Book Jacket

 

rank 855
word count 18856
date submitted 18.04.2012
date updated 12.10.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
complete

FREEBORN

John Lucas Hargis

After 200 years of sterilization & cloning, the masses are becoming pregnant again--spontaneously--regardless of gender or age.

 

When the parasite begins squirming in Katia’s gut, the sixteen-year-old clone should submit to the so-called treatment of the militant Doctors. But obedient little clones who enter quarantine never come out. Chasing a rumor about a rebel safehouse, Katia meets a charming infected boy.

Adam reveals the truth: their parasites are actually human babies. Like Katia, nature is fighting against man’s effort to control her. The rebels devise an insane plan to accelerate the process. They intend to infect every man, woman, and child on Earth with the Freeborn babies the Doctors are seeking to destroy.

With Adam by her side and a gun in her hand, Katia slowly learns what it's like for a clone to feel real. But her newfound capacity for fear, love, courage, and hate only complicates her critical role in the mission. What initially felt like the right thing to do, begins to feel like another form of control. With the deadline and her due date imminent, Katia must weigh her own desires against the fate of ten billion strangers.

The key to humanity's freedom has been growing inside her all along.

But it wants out.

 
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tags

action, dystopian, infection, new world order, rebellion, science fiction, scifi, spontaneous pregnancy, teen, urban, virus, ya

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Chapters

5

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Chapter 5

 

Katia drew the third red mark on the back of her door. Four to go. She entered the commons. Adam, already dressed for the Ilythia run, disappeared behind the sliding elevator door. She raced down the stairs, ducked into the playroom, and grabbed the wig and cane from Aeiou’s dress-up box. In the lab, she spied Lorenzo giving Nana another injection. Katia strolled to the reception area, wondering what those injections contained.

On the voyeur side of the one-way glass, Adam watched Katia adjust her scarf. She practiced her old lady impression in the mirror: raising her eyebrows to wrinkle her forehead, drooping her mouth, and making her head tremor like age had filled her with tics. Adam grinned at her goofiness and joined her in the foyer. He pushed open the door, and they plunged into the sunlight. 

Room to breathe.

“Here,” he said, dropping a tiny, wet capsule into her hand. His eyes sparkled. “It’s an earbug. Renzo and I designed ‘em. They’re bio-degradable, bio-technology. They work for about an hour, then dissolve completely. You put it in your ear. Like this.” He slipped his in. “We can talk to each other over a series of dedicated frequencies that oscillate every three seconds. There’s a receiver in the lab, so anything we say broadcasts over the wavelength in there, too. In case there’s trouble.”

Katia rolled the slippery little bead around in her palm. She pinched it, tilted her head like Adam had done, and dropped it in. The pellet slid downward, tickling the fine hairs within her ear. It wriggled like a fat, writhing maggot.

Katia freaked. She smacked her hand against her head trying to dislodge the earbug, but the harder she hit, the deeper the squirming thing burrowed. A ringing rang through her skull as the bio-gadget latched onto her ear drum.

Adam whispered in her head.

“The first time it slides in is always the weirdest.”

Can you hear me? she mentally asked back.

No answer. She looked at Adam. “Mine’s not working.”

“Mine is,” he said aloud. His words surrounded her both inside and out. “I can hear you loud and clear.”

“Oh! We have to actually talk? Like move our lips and make sound?”

Adam stared at her, incredulous. “It’s not telepathy, genius. It works on vibrations.”

She followed him through the maze of buildings and alleys, slipping into humpback character when they stepped within view of the cameras. She tried to keep track of the turns as they went. They snaked their way towards the Fortress in the center of the city. The complex had begun as an urban center with towering skyscrapers. Over time, construction filled in the gaps between the buildings with more walls and windows. Now, it was a single secure monolith of steel, brick, and glass spanning ten square blocks. The center of the Commonwealth. The brain. The hub. The seat of control.

To maintain that control, the first Surgeon Generals had banned rural living. Everyone was ordered to move into the cities for the Common Good. The leaders’ goals included the elimination of commuting and streamlining the dissemination of goods and services. Why should there be multiple grocers, banks, and barbers spread out in different communities? A centralized model made more economical and ecological sense. Dissenters were forced to either comply or be declared enemies of the Common Good. The enemies didn’t live long.

Adam turned down a side street. Katia heard him in her head.

“Cross the intersection. Turn left and head to the end of the block. You’ll see a bench perfect for an old lady like you. Should give you a good sightline to the door.”

“Gotcha,” she mumbled. “Will do, whippersnapper.”

“I’m gonna sit on the stoop one building over. The appointment is set for noon. Keep watch on the door. Look for body language: paranoia, fidgeting, someone hiding a belly.”

“What if I see someone?” she asked. Stop ‘em from getting tagged?”

“No!” His voice rattled her head. “Just watch. Don’t do anything. The only way I want you to get involved is if Doctors show up. Then, only engage if you’re positive you can take them out. Got me?”

“Yeah, I got you.”

Katia leaned her cane against the bench and made a good show of easing down like it hurt her brittle, old bones. She fingered the cold steel of the gun at her polyester waistband. She had never shot a weapon before—never even held one until that morning. Please, don’t test me to see if I can use it. Let it be a smooth run.

A dolled-up woman in a shimmering red dress approached the GeneTag scanner. The parasite—no, the baby—fluttered in Katia’s stomach. Or maybe it was just nerves. The woman looked infected to Katia. The needle extended, and Katia inched forward on the bench, ready to spring. The green light illuminated. Clean. The lady entered the building without a fuss.

They waited thirty more minutes. Twenty past the appointment. Adam’s voice broke the silence in Katia’s head.

“Looks like another bust. Let’s head back. You go ahead. See if you can find the way.”

“Adam, I paid attention, but I’m not sure if I can. The last few turns—”

“I’ll be right behind you. And in your head.”

She looked for landmarks. Right at the lamppost with the e-flyer touting the upcoming Bicentennial. Left at the disheveled storefront on the corner. Broken glass on its north-facing window. She shimmied down an alley. It seemed familiar, but all the rat-infested corridors looked the same. She exited at the next block. Nothing looked right. She’d never been on that street before.

“Adam, I’m lost. Which way?”

Silence.

“Adam?” Why isn’t he answering? “Quit messing around.”

No response. Only her own heartbeat thumping in her head.

A pair of Doctors rounded the next block. Their gold Doe badges reflected the sun. Katia froze. Stuck. Heading this way. What do I do? What do I do?

A hand covered her mouth. A second arm wrapped around her ribs and snatched her back into the shadow of the alley. She thrashed, throwing elbows as the assailant dragged her into an alcove. Nestled in the nook, he gripped her tightly against him.

“Shhh,” Adam whispered in her ear. “Be still.”

The footsteps grew louder as the Doctors stepped closer. The heat of Adam’s body throbbed against her. The bulge of his belly pressed into her back. His hot breath steamed her neck. How can he breathe at a time like this?

The footsteps stopped.

“Do you see her?” one of the Doctor’s asked the other. “Your imaginary granny? The ghost of the old hag you hauled to the Euthanasia Center yesterday?”

“I’m telling you, there was an old lady standing right here! She looked stupid, confused, and lost.”

“Riiight,” the first one teased. “Just like when you saw that Chief of Staff taking a leisurely stroll without a scrap of gold on?”

“That really happened, asshole. Never mind. Let’s keep moving. I’m hankering for a chewbar. Maybe a hit of Ambrosia.”

“Now, you’re making some sense.”

Their footsteps faded. Adam pushed Katia back down the alley and into the door she had missed. Once they were safely inside, she inhaled the moldy air.

“Why didn’t you answer me, Adam?”

“I told you, the earbugs dissolve within an hour. I was right behind you, hoping you’d turn around, figure it out. Then I saw you hold your breath and knew something was up.”

She recognized the décor and set off towards the opposite end of the building.

“At least the costume worked,” she said. “They were looking for a decrepit old lady instead of an infected girl.”

“That’s true,” Adam said. I’ve got runs scheduled for the next three days if you want to try again.”

“Why not?” She hung a left at the last hallway. “Feels good to get out.”

Katia paused at the rear door, cracked it open, and peeked out. The sunlight filtered through her hair, tracing the edge of her profile like a gold-trimmed cloud.

“All clear,” she said.

She stepped out. Adam followed.

In the confines of the courtyard outside the safehouse, Katia removed her prevention mask. “I’ve wanted to ask you,” she began. “Why does Nana test every day? I mean, she’s a Chief. And it’s not like she’s out running the streets where she could get tagged.”

Adam lay in the grass. Katia sat beside him, staring up at the square patch of sky.

“She has to test because she’s a Chief. She’s crucial to what we’re doing here. Without her, it all falls apart. Helene and the SG call her in for random, impromptu meetings. It wouldn’t be good for her to step up to the Fortress scanner and have it be like: Infection Detected! Infection Detected!

What’s the injection Renzo gives her when it’s a red light? You said it’s not Ambrosia. So what is it?”

Adam uprooted a patch of clovers and tossed them into the air. “Something Mom has to deal with, okay?”

His cryptic response wasn’t enough. Katia needed more. Too many questions flitted around unanswered. She pushed.

You know if you just tell me what the hell it is, I’ll leave you alone about it.”

Adam stood, brushing off the dead grass clinging to his trench. If you want to know so much about Mom—ask her yourself.” He mounted the steps and placed his fingers on the sensors. “I put you in the system. Come in when you’re done asking nosy questions. 

***

The next day’s run was another bust. No one showed. The new detection system killed the pick-up rate. The newly infected never had a chance. Doctors were hauling them off before they could track down the fabled Ilythia. Adam’s lips stayed clamped shut all day. His eyes didn’t sparkle once.

***

Katia cut a fifth slash diagonally across the first four. She jumped at a knock on her door.

“Good morning!” Gaston said. I wanted to check on you. See how you’re doing.”

“I’m good,” she answered. “Been doing runs with Adam.”

“He says you’re picking up on things rather quickly. He doesn’t brag on others nearly as often as himself, so that’s a lot.

Gaston smiled a big toothy grin. He wasn’t so scary when he wasn’t wielding a long-ass needle like a sword. Katia didn’t know what else to say, so she waited for him to speak again.

“Everything okay? Any shakes? Itching? Pains? Nightmares?”

“Nope.

His eye twitched. Suspicion brewed beneath his grin.

“It’s strange…You had the worst case of addiction and withdrawal, but have stabilized rather quickly. Faster than I’ve ever seen.

The parasite-baby-thing jerked in her stomach. “It’s probably because Adam’s keeping me busy.”

Gaston’s expression changed.

“Are you feeling internal changes?” he asked. “New sensations or—how can I word it…Odd motivations?”

Katia blinked at him.

Gaston laughed. Maybe that isn’t happening yet. Don’t be surprised when it begins. Strange thoughts and compulsions will bubble up inside you. They’re called feelings. Fear is about the only one the Ambrosia doesn’t kill. If you get overwhelmed, we’re all here to help you through it. Adam is indeed taking very good care of you. I’ve never seen him this attached to a resident before. Not even Nicholas.”

Katia couldn’t decipher any of what he was saying. “Ummm, Adam’s waiting for me in the lab.”

***

While Katia and Adam studied a map of the day’s run, the Surgeon General’s face popped up on the screen: “ALL IS WELL. 50 DAYS TO THE BICENTENNIAL CELEBRATION OF THE INSTITUTION OF THE COMMON GOOD. GET READY.”

Lorenzo looked up from the helixes, computations, and codes scrolling at breakneck speed on his computer screen. “Please keep reminding us of the blasted deadline,” he grumbled.

“Is it not going well?” Adam asked.

“Not at all. Rose has yet to make her breakthrough. The deadline is two days after the Bicentennial. Fifty-two days from now. I’d rather stab my eye with a scalpel than hear another one of the SG’s reminders.”

“You guys’ll figure it out. You always do.”

Katia studied Renzo’s screen. “What exactly has you guys stumped?” she asked.

Renzo blanked out the images. Once the screen reverted to mirror, the reflection of his bloodshot eyes darted towards Adam.

“It’s okay,” Adam said. “Go ahead. Tell her.”

“Everything?” Renzo asked.

“Yes, Renzo. The whole thing.”

The scientist took a sip of water and leaned back in his chair. “We design the chemical codes for the Ambrosia serums. Early on, we had to send the recipe to a production facility in Commonwealth 23. Now, we transmit the code directly to each of the scanners worldwide.” He pointed to a small machine on the worktable. “Each scanner is outfitted with a synthesizer like that one.  It produces the Ambrosia using raw compounds stored within each unit.”

“That was my idea,” Adam beamed.

Renzo chuckled. “The change made the dissemination much easier for the Surgeons. Plus, it presented us with an opportunity. Since we transmit the code directly from here, without a quality assurance check…”

“What do you mean?” Katia asked. “Why does that matter?”

“Because,” Renzo started. He paused.

“Go on,” Adam prodded. “She’s one of us now.”

“It matters because the SG expects the transmission of Ambrosia 9.0 to contain a new additive which will lie dormant in the bloodstream. If an Infection occurs, the additive will be activated. Once triggered, the compound will rupture the virus’s protective sac in the appendix. Its purpose is to eradicate.”

Adam clarified Renzo’s words. “The additive will destroy the baby before it ever forms. The Surgeons want to remove the pregnancies from the equation so they can regain total control over the creation of new life.”

Katia thought through the implications. So, no more Infections. No more Freeborns: no Aeious, or Billabellos, or Adams.

“But,” Renzo continued, “Rose had an inspiration. What if we replaced the preemptive additive with an additive of our own? One that—instead of giving the Surgeons more control—actually rips that power away from them.

Katia scrunched her face. “I don’t understand how an additive to the serum can take away the Surgeons’ power?

Mischievousness erupted on Adam’s face. He leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. “We’re trying to insert the virus into the Ambrosia. Imagine it: every man, woman, and child on the planet stepping up to a GeneTag scanner to enter work, school, or even an Infection Prevention Center. The needles pop out, but instead of destroying any Infections, the scanners actually insert the virus. They cause Infection in everyone regardless of who they are: Surgeon Generals, Chiefs, Doctors, Candystripers included. Ten billion pregnancies erupting worldwidedoubling the populationin a single day.” 

Katia’s mind fought to comprehend the scope of Adam’s statement. Everyone infected at once? All those unsuspecting people suddenly host to parasite-babies? All those lives changed in an instant.

Adam leaned forward.So, what do you think? That’s definitely gonna cause the leaders to perk up, right?

“It’s definitely gonna cause something.”

***

Chapters

5

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scavola wrote 361 days ago

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Alexandra Davidoff wrote 387 days ago

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

TMHickman wrote 388 days ago

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Seringapatam wrote 36 days ago

John, Although not my bag, this is awesome. So so well written its unreal. What an idea for a book and a lot of work gone into it before you actually started writing. Its paying dividends now. Loved the ideas you throw around this book as they are so formal and loved the pace of it. Wow. well impressed. So well done and this will score high for me. You will attract a lot of readers here.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

made wrote 220 days ago

This was a good read and well written well done a good writer you are

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Shnoowie wrote 247 days ago

I LOVE this. It is unusual for a book to take me so quickly, but by the end of the first paragraph I was hooked. I am writing this having read the first chapter, about to start the next. I can't wait to read more; your writing is as enthralling and gripping as ever. 5* and shelved.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 318 days ago

FREEBORN
Wow. This is a creepy, scary story. A reader can’t help but feel sorry for Katia. This parasite is growing and growing inside her. Adam is a good second character (although killing the doctors seemed a little extreme; maybe tasering them would be better?) A small thing: I need you identify better where this parasite grows for credibility. When Katia notices the parasite shift on Adam’s back, it also seems as if it’s in a kidney. Is it in the actual stomach? If so, putting a needle into the stomach wouldn’t be an amnio (amniocentesis means putting a needle through the amnio membrane in the uterus). It would be a gastrostomy if it’s into the stomach. If the needle is going into an empty space in the abdominal cavity, it would be a laparoscopy. Either way, this is a good read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Su Dan wrote 353 days ago

well written and chilling. a horrid idea from the start: you do very well indeed. superb writing.
backed...
read SEASONS...

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 357 days ago

I totally appreciate the insights. Keep reading at your own leisure.

melissa_simonson wrote 357 days ago

Okay John, I've read two chapters just now, and have blown up a few pages of my notebook with thoughts. I tend to do long and rambling reviews, and if you were smart you'd just ignore everything I say, as I'm unqualified to comment on writing, nor anything in general, but I do anyway. Here we go!

I have a soft spot for Russian names. I think this is because I had a Russian nanny when I was little. Anyway, I immediately liked Katia for this reason.

In the beginning paragraphs, I would have rather you 'showed' me Katia's disguise (yes, I'm the asshole who's pulled out the show v. tell card) rather than just flat out tell me what it was. The adjusted her wig part was a big giveaway, maybe you could just leave it at that?

Few sentences read awkwardly to me (may be because I am an idiot) "....with a pop she couldn't get used to...' I get what you're going for with this sentence, but for some reason the 'she couldn't get used to' really pulled me out of the narrative.

I think the Trapped. Cornered. Nowhere to run. was over-kill. I think you could have gotten the same result by just leaving it at Trapped.

I'm not sure how I feel about the sentence '...breathing one another's breath." Again, I totally get what you're aiming for here, but I'm not sure whether I like it. I like the imagery, but the wording sounds a bit off.

You mentioned Adam had 'soft, pleading eyes', which sort of threw me -- his dialogue did not sound at all soft and pleading, so I found myself sitting here, scratching my head and wondering, in my overtaxed little brain, why he'd have soft and pleading eyes, when everything else that I'd seen of him had been anything but.

Another random thing I loved -- Adam's name. One of my own characters names is Adam :)

Another sentence that read strangely: '....watching the curiosity of a girl drop her head and trudge toward him...' Again, I had to stop, think, and re-read. I thought they were running? Maybe I missed something. Either way, it read oddly to me.

I didn't really have an issue with this (if anything I think it spices up the story) but I think less intellectual souls will have a problem keeping up with the frequent head-jumps. They may be jarred by switching between Katia, Adam, Nana (or whatever her name was...). Again, didn't bother me, but just a thought I wanted to throw out there for you.

I loved how the 'parasite' reacts to Katia's emotions/actions/etc in her stomach. It's strange, and different, and then I realized it's not exactly a parasite, is it, as I continued reading...

I thought it was awesome foreshadowing when you said '....60 days remaining...' but then, come chapter 2, I realized it was a ruse.

Come chapter 2, I liked Katia more and more with each line of dialogue. She's snarky and unapologetic, and uses words I always use like "lame". You sold me on her ;)

Don't know why I'm mentioning this (because who cares, really) but I loved the line "....slipped into the comfort of her favorite pants and shirt'. There is nothing in the world like putting on your favorite, perfectly worn and broken-in clothing. I could feel the comfort with her!

So, like I said, I have only gone through two chapters. I tend to leave long and rambling reviews, full of stupid details, and I hesitate to read more because not everyone appreciates the honesty. If you've found me at all helpful, I can of course continue reading for you, just let me know. I really do hope I was of some assistance!

M

scavola wrote 361 days ago

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book!

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 379 days ago

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?



I'm working on it! ;) I can't write it, type it, and upload it fast enough! Going away for a week. Expect at least 10 new chapters by May 18th!

Helianthus wrote 379 days ago

Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?

NerdGirl61023 wrote 379 days ago

I read 5 chapters of this when I only stopped by to read 2. So that is compliment on in its self. I think the future that you describe is probable. I also like the idea of nature finding a way and ultimately correcting what man has done. I do have a few comments.

* I like fast paced stories and this a really fast paced one. There are some elements that seem a little rushed. Like Katia's acceptance of her situation and kissing Adam. I would think if your whole reality was turned on its head you would be a little more confused

* Adam isn't a clone. I would think that Katia would find his appearance strange. That is if there are a finite amount of clones, she remarked that his name wasn't a clone name, wouldn't he look like no one she has ever seen before.

* it isn't clear to me where the lab / hideout stands. It seems the SG knows that the it exists at other times it seems as though they are off the radar. Maybe you can clarify a bit.

Overall, original story, great fast paced plot, and fun to read. Highly starred.

SciFi_guy wrote 381 days ago

Added to watchlist and highly rated. Hope to get to it soon. Hope you can check out my friend's book. It is called Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77.

Textual Ribbons wrote 386 days ago

Okay, I read the first four chapters. This is really good, and definitely different from Aeon. I had a lot of questions but you answer them very nicely as I keep reading on-- I like how you don't info dump but slowly reveal your world and how freeborn pregnancies work and all the scientific gadgets and stuff. The pace is cracking and its easy to get lost in the story. I will read more later, because I have to know what happens. It's pretty awesome.

I made some notes as I read, and I'll just post them for your reference:

“One tiny prick from their portable infection detectors would unravel her disguise.” Why?

From what I’ve read, the gestation period for freeborns is one third the time of a real pregnancy. Knowing that, with Adam at the beginning of his third trimester, how is he able to be leaping over bodies and dashing everywhere? Pregnancies don’t normally allow for such things, and jumping is heavily frowned upon because it actually hurts the fetus.

“Mazing through yet another dark, musty building, Adam finally stopped.” I’m pretty sure there’s some fancy term for this, but I can’t think of what it is. Basically the problem is that Adam can’t stop while he’s mazing through a musty building. You could say, “After mazing through yet another dark, musty building…” but the other way doesn’t actually make sense if you think about it. Common mistake. I do it all the time.

“Heading back across the lab towards the hall, she noticed an open door [leading] into a small room.”

She left the image on the first floor as they bounded [up] the stairs…”

And she punches herself in the gut and doesn’t cause a miscarriage? I’m guessing there’s something else different about these pregnancies?

If Ambrosia is supposed to make people motionless, then why does Katia feel so much fear? Does it only go so far?

The scene at the end of chapter two—I couldn’t really understand what was going on. But maybe you meant for that?

Chapter Four: Why does Katia totally freak out when Aeiou tells her about Freeborns, but takes it just fine when Adam tells her?

I'll be reading the rest of what you've got, and I hope you'll post more soon!

xx Jasmine

Alexandra Davidoff wrote 387 days ago

Freeborn is an intriguing piece. I like your style of writing, there's almost an element of poetry in with the descriptive parts that makes it easy for the reader to understand the thoughts and emotions of your MC. I've never read anything that's similar, and that's a good thing. You're very unique. I loved the concept, it wouldn't appeal to everyone but it's originality made it addictive. I think the chain of events in the first chapter make for an addictive opening, and the interaction between the two characters, Adam and Katia is fantastic. I felt for Katia. Her sadness, her rage, her self doubt came alive with your narration. I loved how the infected bellies were vividly described. The scenes were definitely easy to see in my mind, and the characters were memorable. The dialogue was well balanced with the narration, not overpowering it; I personally like description over dialogue, but your style holds a great balance between the two and I think that would appeal to your readers very well. The plot is adventurous, filled with adrenaline. Things move fast but aren't confusing. It was an easy story to read, and I found myself smiling back on certain scenes as I moved forward.

John Lucas Hargis - I think you have a great sci-fi adventure tale in your hands!

R.J. Blain wrote 388 days ago

Greetings!

I have read through to the end of chapter 3. You have a very interesting writing style and take a very fast-clipped pace with this story. All good things! There are a few things, however, I think could use some polish. First, you head hop. This was disconcerting and threw me out of the reading several times. For the most part, you stick to one character's perspective, but then you hop to the other character with direct thought or things that the perspective character shouldn't know. I think if you resolve this, it will really help this story shine.

I saw a few spelling mistakes throughout, but nothing that serious. A few grammar errors as well. I don't know what writing/editing style you use, but I suspect you'd catch the errors if you read the story outloud to yourself.

I will be backing this book. I hope to get a chance to read more of it in the upcoming days. Nice job.

TMHickman wrote 388 days ago

All of my preconceptions about this story are gone. I didn't think that I could enjoy the story as much as I did. I love the characters, and their interactions with eachother are fluid. The dialogue is sharp, and I can see distinct personalities in almost all of your characters. The introduction of the infected candystriper is genious, and I can't wait to see how it plays out. Your story is extremely dynamic, and there is never a moment where the friction/action/conflict stops. There is always something going on, driving the story, and I could tell that right away when it forced me to stay up until 1:04am, reading to the very last word. And then I wanted to cry when there was no more. =)

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 388 days ago

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer



Munch away! My off-Authonomy betas are digging on it hard! Enjoy.

patio wrote 388 days ago

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 393 days ago



Thanks for the feedback, Kate.
I've had two betas look over the first seven chapters, and a lot of their suggestions matched yours.

The editing has already begun! New versions will be up by Tuesday.

Lady Midnight wrote 393 days ago

Hiya Lucas, took a look at your first chapter. As I expected the narrative is fast paced and the descriptions clear cut and vivid. I immediately emphasized with Katia and Adam. This holds the promise of a good read. That said, I noticed some slightly clumsy syntax, and unfinished descriptions, which in my opinion needs addressing. It comes across as rushed, almost as if you’ve flung the words onto the paper. However, these are relatively minor and just need a little tweaking.

Chapter 1

The infection rate had been steadily increasing. Even though she had taken every precaution, the sickness wormed( it) **its way into her blood. A parasite now squirmed in her gut.
Katia avoided the pair of heavily armed Doctors as she left the sidewalk, and mounted the steps to the ten-story before her. Like all the others, the corporate building had been converted (to) **into housing to accommodate the rising population caused by the Infection.
The woman in Suite 940 was her last hope. (While most slurred the woman as a Witch) *
**Didn’t like this, it seems a bit clunky. Suggest: While most people named her a witch… something along those lines.Il

lythia (possesses) Mixed tenses here, suggest changing to: possessed the ability to help the Infected through the final stages. The visit carried great risk. It could be a trap. But Katia’s Infection was full-blown. Her symptoms increased with every passing day. Soon, she would no longer be able to hide it.

A ripple rolled over the surface of his stretched skin as the parasite inside changed position. Sickness swept over Katia. (Repulsion) **Do you mean Revulsion?

Look, my name is…” he paused, (searching her,) Searching her what? Her face, her eyes? “…Adam. If you’re coming, it’s now or never.”

Adam’s eyes were soft, pleading, as (he whipped his coat) **Whipped his coat? Do you mean whipped his coat closed or around him? and disappeared around the corner of the building.

(He stared at her for a moment. What’s the deal? Who wants to walk up four flights? Whatever. I need to stay fit anyway. A few extras steps won’t hurt. These extra pounds are piling on, but only on the belly. Gotta keep the rest of this gorgeous body in shape. Never know who might be looking.)
**This paragraph doesn’t flow well. It’s hard to discern at first whether it’s dialogue or internal thought. Suggest: He stared at her for a moment, wondering what the big deal was. Who wants to walk up four flights of stairs. Then he shrugged. He needed to stay fit anyway. A few extra steps wouldn’t hurt. The extra pounds were piling on, but only on his belly….

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 396 days ago

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?



My question would be: How far did you read? One chapter. Takes a little more investment than that to get to the Tootise Roll center of any story. ;)

NMott wrote 396 days ago

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 397 days ago

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone



I appreciate it, Ivan. Glad it left you with some questions you want the answers to. ;)

Ivan Amberlake wrote 397 days ago

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone

Master Bowman Lucas wrote 397 days ago

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.



"My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!"
-Fear not! The pacing follows the urgency of Katia's infection. The farther she gets, the more rapid her own pains--and thus the pain of the characters--becomes..

"besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what."
-Ahhhhh, I do not disagree. A clone might. At first...

scavola wrote 398 days ago

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.

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