Welcome to Weatheroaks

This first chapter is filled with emotion and I'm loving every word of it. From the nervous girl finally realizing what her decisions really meant, to the firm lady standing up for what she believes she needs to do, to the excited woman stepping out on her own for the first real time.
Your descriptions of these emotions are spot on, and told well within the narrative. I'm excited to see what adventures are in store for your main character. I'm adding you to my watchlist and will be back to read more as time permits. For now, high stars.

First paragraph, I believe I found a typo. It says the seatbelt felt much tighter than it hard (or something like that) I believe you meant to state than it "had".

Welcome to Weatheroaks by Terry Camm
Smooth writing style.
The story and main character have a lot of feeling to them. Neeve, creative name by the way, comes to life to the reader through her personal struggled to make a life for herself away from everything she has ever known. She has courage but doubts all at the time that the reader can relate to in the situation. The reader is pulled to Neeve as you make them hope she will make it all work.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

I like your book so far. I will continue to read, but for now, I am rating very high and backing. Comments may come later.

Love your book. Hope to read more and more of it soon.

Dear Terry,

Your first chapter was very well written and engaging! I enjoyed reading this very much and felt myself getting caught up right away in your story. Neeve is very well-drawn, and the dialogue with mom in the opening is so true to life. You have also created many little pictures through imagery that bring the story to life (ie:bus jerking to a stop, and hands gripping the steering wheel). Your writing shows and doesn't just tell. I really like that. The end of chapter one and the inscription from Grandpa is touching and moving. This story has all the little things that make it a great big read! Well done.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

A very well written, enjoyable book good not only for the youth but for anyone older, who wants to recollect the happy days when we were young and everything was ahead and possible.
The book is full of vivid portraits ( Dominic, Julia Heart, Lauren) - it seems to me, I 'd easily recognize them if I met them somewhere in the street - and bright descriptions: The Bogart & Becall's restaurant (My special thanks for mentioning these names!), the graveyard of Julia Heart's bookstore with an asthmatic fan, etc.
All in all, your protagonist is sympathetic, all the characters are live and the life depicted is very recognizable..
Nevertheless, I've come across some items of slight misunderstanding.
E.g.:
Ch.2.
"Is Mrs. Heart here, I'm her new tenant?" I'd write: "Is Mrs. Heart here? I'm her new tenant."
Ch.3.
"Inside the couple of people..." Inside of whom, may I ask? Wouldn't it be better to have it this way::" The couple of people were sitting inside..."
"He snapped his fingers. " Oh hey, girl... coke?' I said sitting down at the table." I supposed, Dominic said this...
Ch.4.
"Good morning...I'm Neeve Adams?" I'd have it: " Good morning... I'm Neeve Adams."

Six stars, my WL till I can back it, and my special thanks for memories about the corresponded period of my own youth.

Valentine But
Escape

I quite enjoyed your story and the idea is quite excellent. :)
The typos... were somewhat annoying but hey I'm a grammar nazi dont' take that to heart.
I really liked the dialogue between Neeve and her mother - it explains a lot about their relationship and her personality.
I enjoyed the way that she managed to run away but still find work - still manage to take control of her life.
In addition I like the relationship between Neeve and Dominic? Is something going to form there - you leave it kind of open. I'm not sure if it gets resolved in a later chapter as I only read up to 4 (I'm going to try to make some time later this week to read more)
But from what I see I really like it - kudos
6 stars :D

- Bree

If you have time I'd love if you would rate/comment on my book
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45811/the-shadow-s-touch/

An enjoyable story with an interesting, 3 dimensional MC (well drawn). I came across a few typos but I see you have had advice from other authonomites on that score and I feel that the story still owns the page. I think your idea is excellent and that is the most important element in any story. With a little editing I think you might be on to a winner here. High stars and on my book shelf.
Good luck
Bea

Hi, there – this is your review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Your first paragraph seems blah, but the second one really sings. Leave off the navel-gazing and stick with facts. Later paragraphs of Neeve’s thoughts are also quite blah. But the dialog with her mother is excellent!!

I’m a little surprised that her mother is driving her. If she’s running away, it seems like she’d use public transportation of some kind. On the other hand, I do like the conversation she has with her mother during this drive. It provides much needed context and characterization.

How does one study Law in one’s first semester?? This, plus the fact that Neeve is 24, has me puzzled. What did she do between 18 and 24?

By the end of the first chapter, I have a lot of Neeve’s internal thoughts but not much concrete information. Although I dislike her parents, I don’t understand what she finds so offensive in her current life. I don’t know what she’s escaping from.

I’m perplexed by your focus on the heat in Weatheroaks. She’s just taken a brief bus trip. Why would the weather be different?

“…homelier than a soccer mom’s kitchen…” I think you wanted homier. Which means comfortable. Homlier means plainer.

The second chapter is considerably better than the first. What information in the first chapter is absolutely essential to your plot? I’d recommending cutting all but the most essential info.

I’m still not sure I get why she felt she had to leave. Why was getting her own apartment in the same city as her parents a bad idea?

I wonder about using ‘Central Perk’ to describe the size of his cup. With the show gone, the references won’t be meaningful to twenty-somethings in a year or two.

I like the conversation in Chapter 3 that clarifies why this wonderful restaurant exists in this tiny town. I was curious about that.

I don’t get the lunch bit. Why would Lauren tell her she can’t have lunch when in reality she needs to go pick up the food for everyone? I get that Lauren is amused by this sort of abuse, but this one doesn’t ring true for me.

I wish I knew more about Neeve and what she’s escaping. Were her parents overly strict? Too wealthy and demanding? I would like to feel more sympathy for her than I feel right now. I’m mainly jealous that she’s 24 and still has her 24-year-old body (=:

I do like Dominic and the sandwich guy, and I appreciate how their reactions to Neeve make me like her more. But Lauren is mighty one-dimensional and it’s hard for me to believe she would have a role at any firm worth hiring. I like Adrian and his band friends.

All your action scenes are wonderful and well-paced. What isn’t working for me is the backstory. If it’s meant to be mysterious, then drop some hints about the mystery. But if she was just fed up at home, we need to know more about what was so annoying there that she’s moved to this tiny town.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Hi Terry-

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read "Welcome to Weatheroaks".

By the end of chapter 2, I can see the story is beginning to pick-up its pace. I think you do a nice job of conveying Neeve's emotional turmoil throughout the difficult decision of branching off from one's family and forging a new life. Chapter 1 was indeed a bit slow for me, but when Neeve finally steps off that bus, I could share in that inner buzz of excitement she feels at her life's new beginning.

So far, at two chapters in, the book feels more like the pilot to a television series--the set up that lends itself to an episodic treatment. I wasn't too aware of any one impending crisis, so wasn't sure what to genuinely look forward to--except the delight of watching through Neeve's eye what she will see around the next corner, as she explores a new hometown and meets new friends.

Some observations:
ch1:
- reads awkwardly: "I focused on her on her face"
- Neeve spends a good deal of time defending her choice to change her life--can you relay to the reader her sudden epiphany to make such a radical change? Might be easier to root for her in these defensive exchanges with her family
- "What else would you do" missing a quotation mark
ch2:
- defiantly = definitely?
- again, genuine excitement when she steps off the bus
- kerbs = curbs ?
- reads awkwardly: "the restaurant was sandwiched between a corner between" with repeat of "between"
- "dim lightening" = "dim lighting"
- "That's a scene" is missing a period
- "I'm Dominic" font changes suddenly?
- "homelier" meant "homier" maybe?
- "I nodded" missing period

Thanks again.

http://authonomy.com/books/41032/the-human-black-box-project-/
http://authonomy.com/books/44421/dirt/

Collin

My promised read, finally.

I really could relate to this story as it reminded me of my own experiences many years ago leaving home. You really do have the knack or making the reader identify with Neeve. I love her character, and how you have grown her personality throughout the five chapters I have managed to read so far.

Although, I did find the conversation between her and Dominic in chapter 3 re the coffee a bit confusing. They are discussing morning, breakfast, the morning coffee crowd, etc., but then he says the 6pm crowd, I think you might mean the 6am crowd? I feel a few areas could do with you reading them out loud to make sure they flow the way they should but all in all, this is a very good story. I dislike Lauren; I have had so many supervisors like her over the years it is scary that people like her actually do exist. You have done well in establishing a most dislikable character early in the story line.

Anyway, I am very much enjoying this and will keep it on my WL until I have time to finish reading, high stars, well done.

Linda
Threads of Time

Terry,
I've read through chapter four and wanted to go ahead and comment. Neeve is an interesting character, someone who is relatable and who readers will be able to sympathize with and root for. I'll preface the rest of my comments by saying that I'm not very familiar with the chick lit genre, so feel free to take my comments with that in mind.

There was a lot of internal monologue throughout chapter one, and I found it hard to get a sense of place until four paragraphs in, when her mom breaks into her thoughts. As the drive to the bus station, and the bus ride itself, continue, there is still not a lot of description about where Neeve is, or what kind of scenery she is seeing out the window as her mind wanders. There is no sense of movement, though she is traveling.

I like the name of the bookstore and the phone conversation with her grandfather in chapter 2.

I was a little confused about the internal monologue about coffee at the beginning of chapter 3, since when she gets to Bogarts it is obvious that she isn't a coffee drinker. She asks Dominic for whatever she had the last time, but she's only been there once and she had a diet coke. Is there a day missing in there?

There is quite a lot of dialogue in chapter 3 between Neeve and Dominic. You don't tag most of it, which is good, but occasionally you could add some description or internal thoughts on Neeve's part to fill out the scene a little, give some of the atmosphere of the restaurant, and show what kind of relationship might be developing between these two characters. Will Dominic be a friend, a love interest? How does Neeve feel about him?

Watch how often you use certain words or phrases. Neeve's thoughts are 'interrupted' or 'broken' quite often. Find a new way to show that her attention has been grabbed by something new.

What a terrible first day at work in chapter 4. I felt the flow was a little disjointed. Maybe if you show some of the other employees handing some of their work off to Neeve as soon as Lauren goes into her office, let us feel that sense of being overwhelmed with her before we get to the part where Lauren comes back out and acts astonished that Neeve hasn't finished her stack of paperwork yet. If we've witnessed her stressful morning, we will feel the injustice of Lauren's remarks and attitude more acutely.

These are just my thoughts, like I said this isn't my normal genre. Hopefully something here will be helpful.
Kate

Terry,

I committed a bit of time to your chapter one, so that’s why I didn’t read any further, but I will. First I want to commend you on completing a full manuscript. That in itself is a great accomplishment that you can be proud of. As I was reading I got the feeling that a bit of you is in Neeve - determined, possessing stick-with-it resolve. Thus you have a completed book.

Your writing is quite moving. I felt you were really able to capture the conflict in a convincing and almost emotional manner. Perhaps it’s because I have “been there,” but I could definitely feel Neeve’s fear and doubting, and yet her resolve comes through loud and clear too. She is determined to at least try to make her dreams come true. Only 30 percent of people are brave enough to do that. You have given your readers a great role model and someone to cheer for. Where it might take most stories several chapters to do this, you have set your audience to commit to your heroine in the very first chapter. This will keep them reading.

You also use some very effective and original literary devices. Here’s a couple of my favorites:

“Her uncaring voice droned on, echoing around the car like the old washing machine Grandpa kept in his garage to wash his fishing clothes.

“I would be Rapunzel without the hair.”

Again, you playing on the readers feelings so wonderfully at Neeve’s send off. She’s left with the thought that even if she wanted to come home, chances are, she wouldn’t be welcomed. ‘Bye Mom.’ There is a ton of emotion behind those sad words.

“I don’t need Dad’s approval, just his acceptance.” This is a gem. All parents need to read this!

Terry, I have no doubt that the rest of your book will be delivered in the same convincing and insightful manner is which you have written your first chapter. I believe this will be a story that the reader will become a part of and will definitely learn something about themselves in the process.

A couple suggestions: The chapter needs a thorough edit. I did find a few typos and grammar errors. I’ll send them in a message. And although the dialogue between Neeve and her dad was very authentic it may have went on for a little too long. See what other people think before you consider making changes though.

I was truly impressed with what I read. You have a real knack for seeing to it that your readers identify with your main character. I’ll be back to read more. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Very well written and goes along at a gentle pace. Easy on the mind and a perfect nights reading. Good mixture of character interplay...free flowing narrative and convincing dialogue.
Well done writer.
Highly starred / rated
David

{Welcome to Weatheroaks}

Terry,

I really like the title and premise of your book. The title pulls us in right away. It's inventive and I found myself intrigued and wanted to get in to the read to discover what your book was about! I also thought that your pitches were well done and did a good job of letting us know about your work.

One of my favorite things about the first chapter of Welcome to Weatheroaks is how relatable it is! Reading your book reminded me of how I felt when entering in to college and in relation to my family at that time in my life! I think that this will go over great as Chic Lit and, although I am a guy, I am looking forward to returning for more soon as well!

Well written and well recieved! I've starred Welcome to Weatheroaks highly and have added it to my watchlist so that I can easily return soon for more!

Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for supporting and reading The Ark of Humanity as it nears the top 5 on Authonomy!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

I've read the first five chapters so far and finding Neeve to be a sympathetic character. Her parents seem cold and material, more interested in her financial future than emotional well-being, even the grand-father she adores and who brings more warmth to the family believes she'll still follow the legal path.

By the end of chapter five more possibilities seem open to her, she's setting into the town, starting to make friends and has found a spot in the band. However, the perfectly horrible Lauren is the blot on her new life. From the pitch I can see there will be hurdles to overcome and presumably her career will be one of those issues but there is also the potential here already for some romance and perhaps that will also lead to conflict.

I do think some editing is required. I made some notes on points I noticed in the first two chapters:

Chapter One: Life mentioned three times in first two sentences.

401 (k) - this might be something more for the US audience - I don't know what it means.

Quite a lot of ellipses in the first few paragraphs.

Change of tense, 'The man in the seat in front turned and faces me.'

Some typos - 'keep my tone even, It was'
'I focused on her on her face'
'I'm almost here...' - she isn't here yet so should be there
'as if she was about to speech but thought better'

Chapter Two: a change of tense, 'I feel like a new woman!' 'Maybe If I stand here looking thirsty long enough' and 'it has been a long day already'

There's a bit of repetition at times, like the old couple walking up to the old gazebo, 'the restaurant was sandwiched between a corner between a florist'

I do think you have the right age MC (and the right circumstances) for chick lit but Neeve might be older than a YA tag suggests.

Overall, an enjoyable premise with a character that the reader can care about.

Thank you for taking the time to read as much as you did. I appreciate you pointing out the errors that you came across. I agree with the problem areas/bad habits that you mentioned and i am embarrased that i missed those. I did find it difficult to 'fix' them all after rereading the story so many times.

I may remove the YA tag, i added it because I wasn't quite sure that my book completely fell into the Chick Lit category as most books i've read in that genre have been focused on older characters and I was trying to find the right fit.

I hope to use any future collective feedback to improve my book, so again thank you for your comment.

I've read the first five chapters so far and finding Neeve to be a sympathetic character. Her parents seem cold and material, more interested in her financial future than emotional well-being, even the grand-father she adores and who brings more warmth to the family believes she'll still follow the legal path.

By the end of chapter five more possibilities seem open to her, she's setting into the town, starting to make friends and has found a spot in the band. However, the perfectly horrible Lauren is the blot on her new life. From the pitch I can see there will be hurdles to overcome and presumably her career will be one of those issues but there is also the potential here already for some romance and perhaps that will also lead to conflict.

I do think some editing is required. I made some notes on points I noticed in the first two chapters:

Chapter One: Life mentioned three times in first two sentences.

401 (k) - this might be something more for the US audience - I don't know what it means.

Quite a lot of ellipses in the first few paragraphs.

Change of tense, 'The man in the seat in front turned and faces me.'

Some typos - 'keep my tone even, It was'
'I focused on her on her face'
'I'm almost here...' - she isn't here yet so should be there
'as if she was about to speech but thought better'

Chapter Two: a change of tense, 'I feel like a new woman!' 'Maybe If I stand here looking thirsty long enough' and 'it has been a long day already'

There's a bit of repetition at times, like the old couple walking up to the old gazebo, 'the restaurant was sandwiched between a corner between a florist'

I do think you have the right age MC (and the right circumstances) for chick lit but Neeve might be older than a YA tag suggests.

Overall, an enjoyable premise with a character that the reader can care about.