African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Maretha, I just read the first four chapters of your book and I find it enchanting. I am an animal lover and I believe many adults, particularly animal lovers, would enjoy it. I think it is perfect for tweeners. I have a 10 year old daughter and I plan to share it with her. I am rating it 6 stars and I am sure we will see it on the editor's desk soon.
Best wishes,
Sara Alley
Ghost Town

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read. If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this book.

Wow! What a great read. We are only on chapter 2 and my kids are hooked on the adventures of Flame!! Would love to read this in bound copy with a few illustrations. I know that I can't get enough of this little "underdog" (excuse the pun) and my kids can't either Thanks for all your efforts to bring us his adventures Nicole

I'm finding the characterization arc you referred to in the changes you made far more compelling from the point of view of the plot. Other than the great adventures undertaken by Flame.. Flame is the plot. Now I have an understanding of his origins. In the previous incantation Flame was introduced after a lenghy discourse between the other characters. For me personally, it somewhat reduced his importance in the story. Flame is the story and for me, the final incantation works better. Originally the story seemed to run in a sort of cause and effect type way. Only when Flame was needed did he appear. Thats how it first appeared to me 'only when Flame was needed did he appear to help his friends' At the time it seemed like a rolling story without anything substantial in it. To make matters worse, cause was sometimes overshadowing the effect. A rolling story where sooner or later, all the outcomes become a bit predictable. Now I think you've got the balance right. Flame is both cause and effect as the story seems more centred now. Possibly even plot induced. Will Flame get justice one day?

Hi Maretha,

When I first read your pitch, the idea of the adventures of a group of animals with a strong connection to place made me think of 'Watership Down', and this association only became stronger for me when I started reading. So far I've read four chapters.

Your descriptions of the exotic sights and smells of Africa weave together to create a rich tapestry, and at moments I could almost feel the temperature of the sun and the earth. I think children will love this. I am also currently quite attached to the character of the narrator, Hope - her voice seems bright but at times uncertain, and I would suggest taking away the brackets that section off some of the asides that hint to an overreaching story arc. The bird has an engaging voice and you should let it envelope and colour the story!

This point leads me to my main suggestion for improvement, which is to do with structure. Clarity is key in a children's story and I think various things blur together a little at the moment. Try to section off chapters more strictly and introduce some clearer signposts to indicate movement from Hope's narration into a story from Flame or one of the other creatures. However, this is a very workable issue as far as I can see, and with a little tweaking it looks like you'll have something potentially very special and exactly the sort of thing that would have engrossed me as a child!

What a delightful story. Love the characters, Hope is my favorite. I wish her story of being hit by a train was
more detailed. Enjoyed faunalong immensely, "new moaning" HA! Your writing is wonderfully descriptive. I wish I had a youngster to read this with. My son would have loved it as a child.

Dear Maretha,

I have finished the first 4 chapters and I must say you have done a very good job with Fray's story. It feels a little more grim than the rest of the story, however, all things good and pure of heart must have their reasons. For we do not learn to love by being loved, but by feeling the un-want as well.

Here is what I found. Surprising, as I usual find no flaws in your work :) But none the less... take what you want, leave the rest behind for I am but one person in many. And thusly... my words are only that :)


I don't quite like how chapter 2 is started. It feels as if it should be paired right with chapter 1. Like there should be no separation of chapter. (Entirely up to you, I am more of a cliff hanger.)

"I'm sure everyone is prepared to stay and list to your story…" Right before flame speaks add in something like… (Flame gave his head a quick nod, closing his eyes to draw forth what had effected him so.)

(") My first mistress…."

"I loved my walks with her first thing in the morning…" "I loved our morning walks before the desert sun…"

Chapter 2

I know you said Flame felt scared but maybe add in what he specifically was scared about. Being alone? Being with the strange new owner? Maybe he felt scared and safe at the same time?

"Everyone, that's my cue, I've got to go…" for some reason this doesn't seem like something Flame would say. I don't recall him ever leaving in such a hurry, he usually has things timed out pretty well. Perhaps have him say, "I must go to wait for Jock's beckoning. He and Chestnut Mare are waiting…" And as he goes off he hears the whistle and runs off barking.

Chapter 3

Just reading through about how Flame doesn't like fires. I can't remember if this is brought into the chapter where he saves the foal or not.

"Being quite tall, he stoops slightly at the doorway…" this can be added after (Jock Tall)

Anyway, that is what I have found. You're almost there :) Again, great job and good luck.

-Jack

Maretha, thanks for inviting me to view your book. I wish there were illustrations to go with the descriptive writing style. I really enjoy your use of words and how they flow together, in dialogue, which can be quite difficult for authors. I am a fan of your imagination and how you bring the characters to life.

Some thoughts. It's very, very, very, difficult to write any book with several characters. On top of that, I'm trying to learn an African language/dialect. I'm not sure if you need to present so many characters (main & periphery) to effectively tell your story. I would reduce the # of characters that the reader needs to remember and keep it tight to the family, Flame, and Hope. Be very protective of how you introduce characters and what purpose they serve. When you have so many, it's sometimes hard to tell who's speaking.

The transitions are very important too. I was wanting to read more in some places and the story changed (maybe that's just the formatting). You may have several stories within the context of your chapters that could stand on their own in multiple volumes (many children's books do this).

With that said, the idea and style are unique and colorful. You painted landscapes for me and I connected with the characters. With your style and use of words, let me stay emotionally connected for a while before transitioning. I just felt like things were happening too fast for me.

Cheers and kind regards. You have a way with words.

Maretha,
Normally, I do not find children's stories easy to comment on, but this was delightful. I have read the first four chapters, and will definitely come back to read more.
Best wishes
Morven - Short Story Writer
The Buck Stops Here

Maretha, this was an interesting read. I know that I would have enjoyed it as a child, and it's a great read for adults as well. I think that this story and the writing are a bit more complex than your average childrens book, but I think that an older elementary school child would appreciate it. I also think that this would be a great read for a child at an above average reading level. My brother was reading things like war and peace in the 7th grade, so he probably would have enjoyed this book as well since it is a bit more of a challenge.
Good luck!
Stacy

Interesting story though using "slightly sad" for the insuing narrative seems to be inappropriate. You state in your pitch that Hope is the narrator but Flame is telling the story. You use first person for Hope now but I see no purpose for this (at this point). Usually, the different voices are used to add insight or perspective on the events, your use of it seems a bit arbitrary. All that said, I am emotionally drawn in, at this point, to what is happening with Flame and want to read more. That's good!

2 things on the intro. 1) Doesn't really grab me and 2) I'm not sure of the purpose of using 1st person with Flame. Rewording this to put the dialogue between Hope and Flame before more of the descriptive parts may help. Also, consider using third person to intro these two characters and then allow Hope to take over.

Cute opening.

Maretha, your story is completely unique. Told in the style of the Kalahari Bushmen. The language is rich, and the characters richer (esp. the narrator). I also think you create an amazing tapestry with the story progression. We see not only how Flame grows and becomes the hero he is, but also the relationships that develop between the characters. The reader comes to feel the same sense of community that they feel. The story arc also takes on wider circles of danger (and help from Flame), culminating in the drought and the birds' plea for help. All in all masterful storytelling. 5 Stars!

Maretha, I just read the first four chapters of your book and I find it enchanting. I am an animal lover and I believe many adults, particularly animal lovers, would enjoy it. I think it is perfect for tweeners. I have a 10 year old daughter and I plan to share it with her. I am rating it 6 stars and I am sure we will see it on the editor's desk soon.
Best wishes,
Sara Alley
Ghost Town

I would love to read the book wrapped in a blanket in a warm bed, i have read a few chapters on the internet, but its not the same, as i do not have the time and my eyes hurt (i work on the computer all day). But what i read was beautiful, riveting and humorous so looking forward to seeing it in print

I got a chance to start reading your book. It is quite detailed, and as some have expressed, I am not sure how children would react to some of the information. However, when illustrations are added, I am sure this wil be resolved. My only suggestion would be to have someone edit it for grammar/punctuation,

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read. If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this book.

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read.

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who adore animals). Of course, there would be a certain kids' age factor in ability to read and clearly interpret. Nonetheless, I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - to keep reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate a talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if selected for school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what the author does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for some line-editing and copy-editing (as w/many authors' work), it still doesn't diminish the story. Yes, some of the sentence structure could have be more simplified. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a great read. Even if you have, it is still one to read.
If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this story.

I've read the first two chapters, as sadly this was all i have time to read, but i must say this is an excellent read. One reccuring thought i had as i was reading this was that although it is directed towards children, this would also make an interesting subversive, ironic adults book, in much the same way as the stage play, Blue Remembered Hills, does.

However moving away from the placement of the genre or the demographic i have very few, if any, criticisms about the flow and the rhythm of the writing. Rhythm is probably the most important thing a book can have, escpecially work for children, as it will most probably be read out.

Keep up the good work, i shall be reading more when i have the time.

I've read the first two chapters, as sadly this was all i have time to read, but i must say this is an excellent read. One reccuring thought i had as i was reading this was that although it is directed towards children, this would also make an interesting subversive, ironic adults book, in much the same way as the stage play, Blue Remembered Hills, does.

However moving away from the placement of the genre or the demographic i have very few, if any, criticisms about the flow and the rhythm of the writing. Rhythm is probably the most important thing a book can have, escpecially work for children, as it will most probably be read out.

Keep up the good work, i shall be reading more when i have the time.

Hi Maretha,
This is a lovely tale and your descriptions are very vivid. However I wonder how well a child would follow it. I imagine reading it to a class of children and struggling to hold their attention. As an adult I've seen pictures/films of Africa and the wildlife and can visualise what you're describing but I wonder what a child would see. I love the story - for me it is a great book but I'm not sure that it's a children's book. Children today want more pace. Perhaps if it was a book with lots of pictures and the text was simplified. A child would find the beautiful descriptions difficult to follow. If I was reading it to my grandchildren they would be wanting lots of explanations. For example, if they gave up hunting near the farm and went further afield would they not still be hurting the animals? Is that not what is natural?
I wonder if it's actually a rather lovely adult book. However I know there are many children's books out there with long passages of description so I could be wrong.

Wow! What a great read. We are only on chapter 2 and my kids are hooked on the adventures of Flame!! Would love to read this in bound copy with a few illustrations. I know that I can't get enough of this little "underdog" (excuse the pun) and my kids can't either Thanks for all your efforts to bring us his adventures Nicole

Hi Maretha,

I really enjoyed reading your story. I loved the fact it is narrated by Hope, giving her opinion and her perspective. As well as an insight into her life.
The way you introduced the characters made it easy to read. As well as explaining Flame's origins. I was a little sad when Lera died and Kgabo's hatred of Flame after his mothers death.
It's really good, and high starrs from me!

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Maretha,

Nice intro! Your story is creatively detailed as each character and scene was introduced. At this point, it was rather easy to visualize their interactions. You did a lot of "show then tell." And that's a good thing - 'cause its what we readers look for. I'm liking Flame already in his character, and found the arrangement of dialogue to be another pleasurable read (and there was plenty of it). Can't wait to see the illustrations for this; as it would have to off-set the scenes. In this case, that would take your work to another height.
Now, I might add some language maybe a bit complex for younger readers; particularly, in it's pronunciation. The footnotes was a good idea. Overall, I can see this being a marvelous tale for our children. I still have more chapters before finishing but looking forward to the read.

I'm finding the characterization arc you referred to in the changes you made far more compelling from the point of view of the plot. Other than the great adventures undertaken by Flame.. Flame is the plot. Now I have an understanding of his origins. In the previous incantation Flame was introduced after a lenghy discourse between the other characters. For me personally, it somewhat reduced his importance in the story. Flame is the story and for me, the final incantation works better. Originally the story seemed to run in a sort of cause and effect type way. Only when Flame was needed did he appear. Thats how it first appeared to me 'only when Flame was needed did he appear to help his friends' At the time it seemed like a rolling story without anything substantial in it. To make matters worse, cause was sometimes overshadowing the effect. A rolling story where sooner or later, all the outcomes become a bit predictable. Now I think you've got the balance right. Flame is both cause and effect as the story seems more centred now. Possibly even plot induced. Will Flame get justice one day?

I like your story and how you're placing the characters, however from a more grammatical perspective: watch your punctuation (especially your comma usage). You have a lot of dangling modifiers and open clauses that aren't quite formatted correctly. Your story over all is very cute and entertaining, I like how the animals speak with each other and where they're generally going. I'm not quite sure you need the pronunciation guide, but it's always helpful. Best wishes!

Hi Maretha,

When I first read your pitch, the idea of the adventures of a group of animals with a strong connection to place made me think of 'Watership Down', and this association only became stronger for me when I started reading. So far I've read four chapters.

Your descriptions of the exotic sights and smells of Africa weave together to create a rich tapestry, and at moments I could almost feel the temperature of the sun and the earth. I think children will love this. I am also currently quite attached to the character of the narrator, Hope - her voice seems bright but at times uncertain, and I would suggest taking away the brackets that section off some of the asides that hint to an overreaching story arc. The bird has an engaging voice and you should let it envelope and colour the story!

This point leads me to my main suggestion for improvement, which is to do with structure. Clarity is key in a children's story and I think various things blur together a little at the moment. Try to section off chapters more strictly and introduce some clearer signposts to indicate movement from Hope's narration into a story from Flame or one of the other creatures. However, this is a very workable issue as far as I can see, and with a little tweaking it looks like you'll have something potentially very special and exactly the sort of thing that would have engrossed me as a child!

Hi Maretha,

I have read the first few chapters of your story and I must say that I love the style and setting. The description of the African farm is very vivid and easily imagined and the animal characters are all very memorable. I love the use of traditional dialect though feel that some of the bracketed descriptions after the words are unnecessary in the second chapter as you do explain these terms within your footnotes.

My only query is who is the intended audience for this this book? I see that you have both children and YA listed as your genre. As a children's book I think it seems fantastic - I can imagine this as a picture book, although some of your language may be a little difficult for very young readers. As a YA book however it seems a little simplistic and perhaps could use a little fleshing to make it seem a little more complex.

Anyhow, on the whole I really enjoyed this and will certainly read further when I have a little more town. Rated and backed.

Wonderful concept of how the animals develop so strongly.

Hi Maretha,
I've had a look at this wonderful tale and I hope it comes to fruition. I think when illustrations are added you will have a colourful wonderland.

Overall
What is the age group of the intended readers? I love the imagery and would really love to see the illustrations. I also think that kids imaginations can really be captured by animal stories such as this and this one has such an exotic theme that they should love it

Introduction
So I look forward to tell you our stories – that reads a bit strangely to me – I wonder if it might be better if it was
So I look forward to telling you our….

Chapter one
Some lovely imagery, the animals lazing in the sun, the hen rooted to the spot in terror etc. It will be fabulous when it’s illustrated!
Also tension and excitement mounting to capture children’s imaginations.
But, I do wonder again at the age group of the children you’re aiming at – some of the language may be a little difficult.

Chapter two
Personally I found the dialogue at the start of this chapter a little longwinded and dull. Especially if you want to keep children’s attention. And I felt that not much happened here.

Chapter three
I found this chapter sweet and touching. And any child’s heart will melt at the image of the scruffy little puppy.

Chapter four.
I love the grumpy goat and the silly little niggles of life on the farm.
Again though I found some of the dialogue a bit long winded bearing in mind your audience. I’m thinking in terms of would my children read it, while they’d love the animal imagery I’m afraid you might lose their interest on the dialogue. I just feel you might need to age it down a bit, to talk a little more like children talk. Having said that, its just an opinion and I’ve no experience in children’s books at all.

Chapter five
I love the rescue of the rat. I think it’s definitely something that’ll speak to children.
The dialogue between Maisie and the children over the rat though strikes me as a little stiff.

Chapter six
I really like the scene with the king rat, this is a wonderful chapter and poor Flame is misunderstood at the end. Excellent, kids will really relate to that.



I see from your footnotes you do indeed intend illustrating the book and that will really capture the children’s attention but then you need to keep it.

Regardless of my reservations on the dialogue, I’m still backing it because I think it’s lovely, truly magical and has wonderful potential

Hi Maretha, apologies for the delay in posting my comment – I'm disabled and a flare up has slowed me down. Great to finally be catching up though :)

I thought this a wonderful children's story about friendship, family and loyalty, with some lovely characterisations of the animals and plenty of action, adventure and suspense, and I only have a couple of suggestions, which I hope you find helpful.

I thought that sometimes simpler words could have been used, although I realise this very much depends on the age range you are aiming for. Eg: 'Flame immediately saw his intent' could be simplified to 'Flame immediately saw what he wanted to do/was going to do'

Also I thought some of the sentences a little convoluted for a children's book. Eg in Chapter 2,
'You are very wise and I think you'd be the best one for the job, because you speak our animal language, Faunalang, and the many bird dialects fluently and have some Humanlang knowledge as well'
This sentence gives a lot of information with new words and is difficult to follow. I think it could be broken down into 2 or 3 sentences. Eg;
'You are very wise and I think you'd be the best one for the job. You can speak to all the animals in Faunalang, and to most of the birds in their languages. You even know some Humanlang too!'

I've read the first 4 chapters so far and really enjoyed them. You brought me in, tugging on my heartstrings all the way and I'm sure kids will love Flame and his friends. You very cleverly hook each chapter with a little intro of the next adventure. Flame is staying in my WL and I will be back for more.

Karen
Thores-Cross

Hi Maretha, I have read the edited version of African Adventures. I can only say it is truly an inspiring read. The conversations between the animals, the quest Flame has and the support he's earned make it very educational, which from the beginning I mentioned should make it a good classroom book. I have read it to my grandchildren and they love the stories. As they play, they enact and name animals and birds they see according to your story and that tells me its a book we can read to younger children and they will enjoy it. I appreciate the thoughts and time spent on the edit and in my opinion, its made it a much better read. Hope to find it in the the bookstore soon. Regard, LB.

Hi Maretha, I have read the edited version of African Adventures. I can only say it is truly an inspiring read. The conversations between the animals, the quest Flame has and the support he's earned make it very educational, which from the beginning I mentioned should make it a good classroom book. I have read it to my grandchildren and they love the stories. As they play, they enact and name animals and birds they see according to your story and that tells me its a book we can read to younger children and they will enjoy it. I appreciate the thoughts and time spent on the edit and in my opinion, its made it a much better read. Hope to find it in the the bookstore soon. Regard, LB.

Maretha,
You have created a lovely children’s animal tale with some very colorful creatures. I read through your first five chapters. Right away, the scene with the eagle was fast paced as the hens skittered away just in time under the bush and Flame attacked the great bird in defense of his feathered friend.

Detailed descriptions paint lively pictures of the African farm setting. I like how you told Flame’s story of when he was young. His own tale and how he cared for the orphans felt warm and gave me a good feeling about Flame.

The added background on Jock and Maisie helped to add dimension to the two human characters, not so prevalent in the story, but friends to the animals.

I liked the line by Hope, ‘It sent shivers down my feathers.”

Flame meets the goat and learns a lesson. I like the protection theme in this story and the close-knit feeling of the animal friends. This book will surely catch the interest of children as I can see it is full of adventure and fun. I like the protection theme and the closeness of the animals. They feel like a family caring for each other. This is well written, energetic and lively and truly is a special story. I hope to see you do well with this.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Hello Maretha,

I finally got around to your book this weekend, read the first few chapters. A very original and interesting tale. The characters are quite engaging. Children's books are not my cup of tea these days, but if the future holds grandchildren I am sure I’ll get back into them and I hope by then that your book is available for purchase.

Good job and best of luck,

Pino - Espresso & Sambuca, Insights to Happiness

I've read three chapters and can't help think of Animals of Farthing Wood.
You're a good writer, and the book flows well. I can see this doing very well.
This isn't the type of thing I'm very interested in, but that isn't a reflection on your writing.

Love the intro!! And introducing the narrator! ;) good job! Plan to read whole book! And shelving as soon as I have computer access!

Hope u may take a look at my novel ;)

KMM- Gypsy of Vilda

I'm on chapter 13 right now so I guess for now I'm done, please let me know when more goes up.

For now, keeping in mind that you say this isn't supposed to be a series of stories but a single narrative... it's not a single narrative. You tell the story of Rat X, the story of Rocksy Rabbit, the story of Flame, I assume eventually the story of Hope and off and on tell other stories. This is a book of small stories, but they're set up to parallel a single narrative. I know, it's your story, ultimately you say was it is, but really that seems to be the kind of story you have written. Nothing wrong with it, that's just what I'm reading.

If you mean to have the main narrative emphasized, I think you need to frame the side stories a little better as separate and not part of it. Again, I might recommend reading Tom Sawyer and maybe 1001 Arabian Nights (well not all of them, but just for a little research). Both are stories with a single narrative that connects smaller stories within their pages.

Really I'm not sure what is irking me about the framing here. Mostly it seems that the separate stories aren't framed as though they are in fact meant to be separate material. That's why I assumed this was a book of short stories (well that and the title kinda implies that if you think about it) as the narrative and the stories aren't treated as separate entities. Most single narratives use flash backs or the like, but it's not wrong to have separate stories, just so long as the reader sees that they are separate. I've never written like that, so I don't have a lot of tips off the top of my head. I'll have to think a while if you need some ideas.

I'll hold off on the big review until you have more up. After all, the review is supposed to be of the whole story.

I read chapter 9 as this is a return read where the lovely moral stories continue. I would definitely say this book would best suit a younger children's audience rather than an older age child audience but it has delightful characters and draws a vivid picture through the narration.
Great job
Michelle

Right now I'm on chapter eleven. In this book, for the most part the stories themselves and the characters there in, are very good. However the arrangement of the stories seems kinda haphazard to be honest. It's not in chronological order, or in order of character introduction, really the time line goes back and forth several times. While it can be followed, I might recommend trying to straighten things out into more straight forward series of stories, rather than, for instance, constantly telling character back stories in the middle of a completely different story. I thought for instance that Rat X's story could have been its own small story, rather than pushed into a completely different story focused on her trying to escape the rat king.

This series rather reminds me of another series of short stories about a dog called “Brother Super”. Brother Super was non-fiction, and it's meant very much to be a Christian book, but I think you might find it informative about the short story writing style nonetheless. A more classic series of stories, this one also fiction but not centering on animals, would be Tom Sawyer. Also a lesser known classic would be Treve by Alber Payson. Just recommended reading.

That being said, I like the characters and story so far, but I am sensing that I may get lost because of how it tends to skip around.

I'm here per our agreement to read each other's stories all the way through. Would be great to read the rest rather than just to chapter thirteen I'm sure, as this one is flowing great. I'm on chapter five right now.

This story seems to be for a younger audience than I'm use to looking at. That being said, bravo so far! I noticed a few grammar mistakes, but not too many, and the intro seemed a little long, and a little jumbled, but nothing too terrible.

My biggest concern right now would be that the story of Mars seems rather out of place, like it should have taken place after the introduction to Flame. It seems you were a might too eager to introduce your narrator, who actually comes up during your set up anyway.

Also, depending on how reliant the story will be on images, perhaps you might want to clarify what some of the animals are so children can look them up.

Finally, as a side note, I'm not sure about the usage of the word “harem”. I know what it means in nature, but maybe you should just say “nannies”.

(Do you haven't a deviant art account or something with the images you were intending on using?)

CHIRG review:

Engaging read.
I read the first 3 chapters and really enjoyed them.
Your style and description conjures up imagery with a distinctly African flavour - well done.
First line of chapter 2 is fantastic - "Before I could whistle...."
Good chapter titles.

Lisa
Great Big Safari Park Stories

It reminds me a bit of Peter Rabbit in Africa. I haven't read much at all though and can't seem to catch the groove of the story. I'm not that familiar with Africa either, so some of the flora, fauna, etc is a bit lost on me. I can get a mental picture of oak trees but I don't seem to do well with the others.

Maretha,
Some of the phrasing in the introduction is a little awkward. I understand your need and desire to impart information and descriptions. However, using dashes to interject explanations also disrupts the flow of the sentence, so the original point becomes a little muddled.

i.e. “Their farmhouse and outbuildings, riverine woodland stretching as far as the shore of Molapo Lake and a forest of giant baobabs – unusual, African trees with large, fat trunks – have become part of a special place which the bush creatures call Fauna Park.”

Simply saying, “. . . a forest of giant baobabs . . .” tells us that they are trees and for the moment, three seconds into the story, (IMHO) that is sufficient. Perhaps a real description of the baobabs could be worked into the story a little further on. A simple interjection with its limited scrap of information does not do these amazing trees justice.

“Although Flame was born in the Kalughari wilderness – hundreds of miles inland – he dreams of becoming top-dog of Fauna Park, but Spike-BullT – the family’s short-tempered bullterrier – may not let him.”

An easier read would be along these lines: Although Flame was born in the far away Kalughari wilderness, he dreams of becoming top-dog of Fauna Park. But, the family’s short-tempered bullterrier, Spike-BullT may not let him.

If this book is geared toward children, simpler sentence structure would enhance their understanding and increase their appreciation for the story. Even if it is meant to be read by an adult to a child, long and stilted sentences would be problematic as the adult struggles with proper story telling inflections to enhance the listener’s enjoyment.

The first chapter has a great action packed scene between Flame and the eagle. Some of the dialogue was a little windy.
i.e. “. . . The bush creatures will overlook . . . because all of us living here have promised . . .”

The phrase ‘because all of us living here’ could be reduced to ‘because we’.

I like the use of poetry to keep it young and it gives the reader an opportunity to use a lyrical sing-song section to lighten a somewhat scary and dramatic moment. The rhymes are smooth but the cadence is slightly off in a couple of places. You might try having a few others read it aloud to you before they have heard it. See if they can comfortably pick out a rhythm in the first two reads.

I think that the way that you have spelled out and used each of the words in Faunalang is done so well that the translations at the end of each chapter are unnecessary. However, the translations and pronunciation guide for non-English humanlang is very helpful and appreciated.

I’m 7 chapters in and have enjoyed the mini-stories and the characters as they are each introduced and each has a voice of his own. There are still places that could be simplified to better serve your target audience.

Overall a clever story in a wonderful setting that would provide a great opportunity for children to explore animal science in a fun way. High Five!
Good luck and best wishes to you and yours.
NMA
Pretty Penny
Thank you in advance for a QPQ

Hi, Maretha - I really like the animals you portray in your story. Flame seems to be a real hero. I especially like the bit of poetry in the second chapter. I know children will love it. I've always loved animals and I can see that you do too, and it shows in your writing. If you get a chance, maybe you can check on my children in my story Going Home. I will continue to follow Flame and his friends.

Hi Maretha,

This is a nice children's story - very reminiscent of Michael Morpugo's The Butterfly Lion. My son, who is 8, has just finished reading that and I could see him moving on to this (with perhaps a little bit of help from me on some of the more mature words).

Some books written from the perspective of an animal can be a bit soppy but you avoid that trap and present an interesting perspective on the action through them.

Best of luck with it.

Regards
Bruce :)

Hi Maretha
My first comment did not register so you got another thought first.
A highly original book. It would be a great outloud read to children.
I think it should sell in many countries. Good luck.
Jane

Another thought - I don't think you need the 'translations' at the bottom of each section.

Maretha,

I like the fact that the story is told by one of the animals. It immediately conveys the feeling that there is hidden wisdom in the book, which a human narrator could never achieve. That effect is furthered by the dialogues, and the "Promise".

Sometimes you use quotation marks where I wouldn't really consider them necessary. 'sun-bathing', for instance.
Exclamation marks: This is probably just personal taste, but I think exclamation marks are for dialogues. You use them outside dialogues, to mark the end of particularly action-loaded sentences. But those sentences are powerful enough as they are.

It is wonderfully descriptive. I could see that bunch of lazy animals dozing around in the African heat. And you really had me hooked during the eagle attack.
No typo as far as I could see.
Starred for you.
Angelika
Thanks for the comments regarding the title. I agree and have already shortened it, but it cannot be done on this site, because the book will be seen as new, which of course, as you can imagine, will kill me - to start from scratch again. I'm thinking of Series: The Africa I Love: Animal Adventures of Flame, Family and Friends :-)

Maretha,
I finally got round to take a look at your book. Here are my thoughts in order of appearance:
The title is a tad too long. Whenever I came across your book on my watchlist, I always read "African Adventures of Flame" and then stopped reading. Also, if you intend to make it a series and call it "The Africa I love", the "African" in the title is somewhat redundant.
I like the fact that the story is told by one of the animals. It immediately conveys the feeling that there is hidden wisdom in the book, which a human narrator could never achieve. That effect is furthered by the dialogues, and the "Promise".
You have a tendency to write long sentences. I may have noticed that only because I have been accused of exactly the same and consequently started to look, no, make that hunt, for them. Maybe you should try to split them a bit, especially those that come with extra hyphens.
Sometimes you use quotation marks where I wouldn't really consider them necessary. 'sun-bathing', for instance.
Exclamation marks: This is probably just personal taste, but I think exclamation marks are for dialogues. You use them outside dialogues, to mark the end of particularly action-loaded sentences. But those sentences are powerful enough as they are.
You labeled your book as universal. Talking animals are, no doubt, something any child will love. But given that you tend to long sentences, plus your range of vocabulary, and taking into account that children do have a shorter attention span, I do not really see it as a children's tale.
It is wonderfully descriptive. I could see that bunch of lazy animals dozing around in the African heat. And you really had me hooked during the eagle attack.
No typo as far as I could see.
Starred for you.
Angelika

Hi Maretha,
I read two more chapters and they are really great! I love that Flame is such a free-spirit and cares so much about the other animals. I like how you added that lesson in about keeping promises--I was wondering how the goats were going to react when he didn't open the get. I will read more soon!

Sarah
Sapphire

Dear Maretha,

I have finished reading all that was :) It always seems that as much as there is, there is always not enough. I do hope you upload more, I am very curious as to what happens to Flame and his friends and what more adventures they go on. Also I am wondering if the story of the poachers is the big adventure or what is. I have also been wondering where you got your inspiration for these stories, I know you've lived in Africa so it makes me curious to wonder if some of Flames stories derive from some of the local stories where you've lived :) Also, I find it very very refreshing in that you are able to take us to what feels like a whole other world. Now I realize Africa is not a planet :p but living where I do it feels like it. It's something i've never experience and most people havent. And even more, of all the books i've read it always seems like the same details where as Africa is a completely different layout. Idk, it's refreshing? And I'm not saying you did this on purpose but it definitely keeps things wonderous.

There was one moment in Chapter 13 that I didn't quite understand. And that was when the mother zebra retreated across the fire and left Flame and the foals. And then Flame drags on "Through" the fire. I realize this may be for dramatics and I am very nonchalant so I don't care too much :p but the way I see it is, even a new born foal is going to be heavy and for a dog to drag it through a fire would take a bit of time so he would be very injured... but if you said, "the adrenaline spike his strength, giving him the power of all the dogs in Malawi..." I'd buy it :p But other that than, great job...still :) Oh... and how old is Flame? I feel like he is young but at other times he could be older?

Me,

Jack

Hi Maretha,
I've read chapters 1 and 2 and will come back for more. The story is very cute and I love how young bring all these animals to life giving them personalities. I found one typo: "as if in stealth mode, he (dove not dived) directly towards Flame." I will come back and read more soon!

Sarah
Sapphire