African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Maretha:

I really enjoyed this. It seems like you are nearing completion and overall the story and the language run smoothly. I would like to point out some of the aspects of the book I liked the most, as well as a few things you might want to consider changing.

You do a great job developing Flame's character. I was a little worried at first that Flame would turn out to be a 'Lassie'-like canine saint. But you show his flaws. I liked the confrontation with Plump Grump the goat very much. Flame learns from this experience and becomes a better leader as a result. Mars the martial eagle and several other characters also gain some wisdom and mature as the story progresses. It shows the care and depth of your writing that you have poignant backgrounds for all the animals.

I loved your use of 'faunalang' and 'humanlang' and the poems/songs the animals compose and chant. I think one of the best ways to build a foundation for a fictional world is to portray the cultural touchstones that anchor the characters and their world.

I also liked the different levels/layers of society. The realm of the animals, then the children (who are closest to the animals and can understand them), and then the adults. The book as a whole has some good lessons for children. The animals, even Hope, are all very childlike, and the constructive ways they join together and participate in discussions are wonderful examples for kids.

Aside from a few minor language fixes, my main critique is that in some places I think you went a bit too far anthropomorphizing the animals. Here are some specific examples of parts I liked and some I think you might want to work on:

Chapters 1– 4:

"roared angrily and then his boot connected me on my side."

I know 'connected' can mean punch but I had to look it up to find that out. I live in the US, so it might just be a cultural difference. Anyway, why not just use 'hit'?

"Flame yelping with tears in his eyes"

I have never seen tears in a dog's eyes. It's not necessary to add 'tears' anyway. I think we totally get it with just the yelping. Yelps are a dog's tears, no?

Chapter 6:

"We would chit-chat about serious matters or nature, and at other times about the best ways to care for Fauna Park and its many inhabitants."

I would cut out this paragraph. It's not necessary, you go right into the conversation the animals are having in the next one. You are also 'telling' us what the animals do instead of 'showing' their actions here.

"Jock always chases them, but once the vegetable patch is ruined, he doesn’t smile.”
A little confusing. Was he smiling while chasing them?

“Flame, that bull-terrier is Royal’tree and has a Pedi’tree which you, coming from the Kalughari, don’t have. You’re a desert dog. If Spike-BullT put a crown on his head and call himself, “Rex”, he’ll be “Very Important Animal” and “Protector of Molodi” – just like that!”

Great dialogue here! The voice, the rhythm of your writing, really good in this section. I very much enjoyed the rivalry between Flame and Spike-BullT a lot. Might be nice to put in more of it. :)

Chapter 7:

"For the first time he kleeoued boldly, “I’m Mars, the ‘God of War’. Who do you think you are? Why must I answer to you? What can you do to me? You’re only a dog. You don’t scare me!”"

Again, great dialogue, and a great scene overall. I thought this was a very strong chapter throughout. The chant the animals sing, the action, all very well done!

Chapter 8:

"I noticed that he was far away in dreamland and had a ‘smile’ on his face."

Dogs don't smile. Why not have his tail wag or thump or something that would be a doggie equivalent of 'smiling'?

"Flame’s head sank lower and lower on his chest."

Same thing. I saw a person when I read this, not a dog.

Chapters 9 – 20:

"in-their-net"

Love it!

The fire and the scene with Flame and the zebra foal were the strongest parts of the story. Very good action descriptions. I really liked how you brought Mars the martial eagle back in. That fat 'King Handsome' rat must have been a tasty meal. ;)

Hope hears "a pin drop" in Chapter 20. How would Hope know what a 'pin' was? Maybe change it to something Hope would think of as a quite sound – an eaglet feather falling?

Well, I hope you don't mind my pointing out these very minor issues. Overall, I think it's a really well-written, caring and entertaining story.

Good luck with it. I'm looking forward to the finish.

Best.

m. b. whitlock

What a delightful story. Love the characters, Hope is my favorite. I wish her story of being hit by a train was
more detailed. Enjoyed faunalong immensely, "new moaning" HA! Your writing is wonderfully descriptive. I wish I had a youngster to read this with. My son would have loved it as a child.

Maretha, I just read the first four chapters of your book and I find it enchanting. I am an animal lover and I believe many adults, particularly animal lovers, would enjoy it. I think it is perfect for tweeners. I have a 10 year old daughter and I plan to share it with her. I am rating it 6 stars and I am sure we will see it on the editor's desk soon.
Best wishes,
Sara Alley
Ghost Town

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read. If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this book.

Wow! What a great read. We are only on chapter 2 and my kids are hooked on the adventures of Flame!! Would love to read this in bound copy with a few illustrations. I know that I can't get enough of this little "underdog" (excuse the pun) and my kids can't either Thanks for all your efforts to bring us his adventures Nicole

This is a really amazing read. I can't think of anything else to say.

Dearest Martha,

I gave you the six star rating as I do believe you have a great story here that is worthy of telling. The ms itself needs some polishing in terms of flow. Ease the flow a little as at some point I got a little confused as to who the humans were and who the animals were. One way to improve on that is to elaborate a little more on the description of each character. Because you have many characters interacting in your story, which of course makes a good bush story, you need them to have their own little memorable place in the readers heart.

Don´t get fixated about getting to the desk, once you have been on and beyond the desk there are no guarantees.

I've only gotten to chapter 3 so far but I'm already enjoying this story. Flame is obviously going to be a likable character that the reader can feel for and overall this seems like a book that could easily to appeal to a wide audience of all ages. Wonderful writing and I look forward to reading on and seeing what happens next.

Hi Maretha!

Just read the first few chapters. Love the premise and the animals point of view. Enjoy the descriptions too. A few questions popped up in my head as I read thought. Thought I'd share with you the parts that make me stop to think rather than reading fluidly.

Chapter 1:

-"..shared many adventures and found true worth despite being from different places in southern Africa."
(The part about being from different places is not necessary here. What does worth have to do with being from different places? Or is 'worth' more related to their adventures?)

-Why are their friends coming to chat? Do they regularly meet in the morning?

-"Would you like to relate our adventures?"
(Awkward use of 'relate' - not conversational)

-Why must they discuss their adventures? What is prompting it?

-"Some stories told by eyewitnesses..."
(That can be explained later. It distracts the reader and cuts into the momentum.)

-Why must the story wait?

-"Sidetracked" by what?

Chapter 2:

-Perhaps set up what kind of proposal it is. Is it about protecting their way of life? Or standing up for something they all believe in? You have an opportunity to tease the reader and keep us hooked here.

-Part about speaking Faunalang with Lera can be set up more by adding line about their discussions. No mention of it before character asks how they understood one another. Question came out of no where.

-"Where are you taking them" "Don't speak again. We are driving them accross the border"
(Odd conversation. Why tell him to stop speaking and then answer the very question that was asked?)

-"Then his boot connected with my side."
(Awkward use of "connected". It's not an emotionally charged word and takes the impact out of the description.



Will read more later. So far, I'm enjoying the story. You have created characters readers will care about. Just a few questions that need answering.

AFRICAN ADVENTURES.

Animal adventures in the bush is always one of my favorite reads. I do enjoy the way the animals interact with each other and their ability to communicate. You have taken the communication of the animals to the human level and that is what children relate to, so I do think it is spot on for your target market.

The set up is well executed as I found myself relating to the bush story on many levels. The calm of the bush and the endless landscapes with beautiful sunrises and the setting sun that is reminiscent of a ball of fire as it sets in the Kalahari. Even in that calm there is always that constant danger lurking in the shadows from predators be they human or on four legs.

The story is well written and your knowledge of the culture and the native tongue stands out , this has a positive impact on the story itself. If there is one thing I do remember about the bush it´s that smell, the smell of wood burning. In the bush when the locals make their fire, it´s with a certain wood and those are my fond memories of the bush. Many people don´t understand the bush or have never experienced the bush the way you describe it, so hopefully when they read your story they will have a feel of the bush as most of us know it.

When I read stories about animals conversing with each other on a human level I always see it in animation. This type of story always works magic in animation. The diverse number of animals interacting with one another gives the adventure a special kind of quality, i.e. animals having friendships with others they would not normally tolerate.

There is something I would like to point out and that is Flames character is similar to that of Jock of the Bushveld. That fact that Flame´s master is called Jock could give the wrong impression. But it is you story and you write it as you would like it to be.

Good luck with African Adventures….

Summary-

Interesting, filled with just enough information so that the reader is never overwhelmed but is still left with a strong curiosity and a sense of wonder.


Chapter One-

First, the chapter names have me curious! You’ve got a sense for titles to be sure. *Smiles*
As for the actual chapter, I noticed the first three paragraphs are written in present tense while the following are in past. It almost went unnoticed until I reached the end of paragraph four which brings me to my next thought: Transition?

It seems as if the first three paragraphs aren’t firmly connected to the others so I wonder if there’s another way to angle it. Maybe have Hope begin as if these are his/her thoughts or musings (which would require italics, and a smidge of adjusting)?
Anyway, I liked everything included in the chapter and would be sad to see any of it go.

The writing flows well and has a strong feeling of personality emanating from it, both in terms of the narrator’s and the writer’s voices. The descriptions were interesting and the dialogue was both cute and respectful which I appreciated greatly. *Smiles*


Chapter Two-

I read through the entire chapter without pause and found my nose near pressed against the screen when I was finished. Absolutely riveted which is quite the feat as I am normally less inclined to be absorbed into a story within a story. High marks for that.

There was only one spot where I was a little thrown at the beginning when Dolly Cat first responded to Flame and he instantly started in on his story. Perhaps consider adding a little something to acknowledge the dialogue between the two or else it seems as if Flame is intent on talking over her (which I highly doubt is the case). *Smiles*

Content-wise, this form of narration keeps the story focused and on track with the listeners allowing for interjections which can clear questions for the readers and also quick, natural transitions. It can sometimes seem too “telling” or “preachy” but I found this to be personable and light which makes it accessible and enjoyable to most, if not all, ages of readers.


Chapter Three-

There’s always this sense of sadness when I reach the end of a chapter here! It’s as if there isn’t enough, but in a good way. *Smiles* It’s good to leave your readers hungry for more, no? Anyway, that little tidbit aside, I thought this was an illuminating chapter. Flame went through quite a bit while still young and it seems, with the end where he runs off to the stables, that he’s found his place. I got a warm feeling at that point, but also one of “No! Continue with the story!” *Laughs*


Overall-

Strong characterization, interesting dialogue and narrative, and delightful content had me reading on without pause or distraction with rarely a bump to throw me off. There’s nothing I can really offer in terms of constructive criticism but multitudes I can sing in praise.
I’ll be continuing to watch and adding this to my bookshelf for further reading!


Have a wonderful day,
-Soa

Maretha -

I've read the first couple chapters of this so far - what fun! Love your use of different languages, as well as "humanlang" and "fuanalang". I can imagine young readers hanging on every bit of this story!

My only editing suggestion so far is for the first chapter...I would move the paragraph beginning "My name is Hope" to the very beginning of the story, just before the paragraph beginning "His name is Flame". That way, readers can begin with a really clear picture of who the narrator is. In its current state, Hope is actually telling the story, but we don't know right away that it's Hope...so it wasn't clear to me initially who was telling the story until I got to that third paragraph, which felt a bit jarring. I think it could help clarify things for your readers and start them on on the right foot for the rest of the story if you foreground Hope's voice in the very beginning.

I also am wondering just a bit about some of the human dialogue in chapter 2, as it's being recounted by Flame. It strikes me as just a tiny bit stilted, being made up mostly of short exclamatory sentences. Is this deliberate, since Flame is essentially translating here from humanlang? Or maybe there's a cultural difference here that I'm not picking up on? I wasn't really sure, so am just curious to know why you chose to interpret some of the human speech this way.

All in all, a really fun story. I'm looking forward to reading more of Flame's adventures!

Maretha:

I really enjoyed this. It seems like you are nearing completion and overall the story and the language run smoothly. I would like to point out some of the aspects of the book I liked the most, as well as a few things you might want to consider changing.

You do a great job developing Flame's character. I was a little worried at first that Flame would turn out to be a 'Lassie'-like canine saint. But you show his flaws. I liked the confrontation with Plump Grump the goat very much. Flame learns from this experience and becomes a better leader as a result. Mars the martial eagle and several other characters also gain some wisdom and mature as the story progresses. It shows the care and depth of your writing that you have poignant backgrounds for all the animals.

I loved your use of 'faunalang' and 'humanlang' and the poems/songs the animals compose and chant. I think one of the best ways to build a foundation for a fictional world is to portray the cultural touchstones that anchor the characters and their world.

I also liked the different levels/layers of society. The realm of the animals, then the children (who are closest to the animals and can understand them), and then the adults. The book as a whole has some good lessons for children. The animals, even Hope, are all very childlike, and the constructive ways they join together and participate in discussions are wonderful examples for kids.

Aside from a few minor language fixes, my main critique is that in some places I think you went a bit too far anthropomorphizing the animals. Here are some specific examples of parts I liked and some I think you might want to work on:

Chapters 1– 4:

"roared angrily and then his boot connected me on my side."

I know 'connected' can mean punch but I had to look it up to find that out. I live in the US, so it might just be a cultural difference. Anyway, why not just use 'hit'?

"Flame yelping with tears in his eyes"

I have never seen tears in a dog's eyes. It's not necessary to add 'tears' anyway. I think we totally get it with just the yelping. Yelps are a dog's tears, no?

Chapter 6:

"We would chit-chat about serious matters or nature, and at other times about the best ways to care for Fauna Park and its many inhabitants."

I would cut out this paragraph. It's not necessary, you go right into the conversation the animals are having in the next one. You are also 'telling' us what the animals do instead of 'showing' their actions here.

"Jock always chases them, but once the vegetable patch is ruined, he doesn’t smile.”
A little confusing. Was he smiling while chasing them?

“Flame, that bull-terrier is Royal’tree and has a Pedi’tree which you, coming from the Kalughari, don’t have. You’re a desert dog. If Spike-BullT put a crown on his head and call himself, “Rex”, he’ll be “Very Important Animal” and “Protector of Molodi” – just like that!”

Great dialogue here! The voice, the rhythm of your writing, really good in this section. I very much enjoyed the rivalry between Flame and Spike-BullT a lot. Might be nice to put in more of it. :)

Chapter 7:

"For the first time he kleeoued boldly, “I’m Mars, the ‘God of War’. Who do you think you are? Why must I answer to you? What can you do to me? You’re only a dog. You don’t scare me!”"

Again, great dialogue, and a great scene overall. I thought this was a very strong chapter throughout. The chant the animals sing, the action, all very well done!

Chapter 8:

"I noticed that he was far away in dreamland and had a ‘smile’ on his face."

Dogs don't smile. Why not have his tail wag or thump or something that would be a doggie equivalent of 'smiling'?

"Flame’s head sank lower and lower on his chest."

Same thing. I saw a person when I read this, not a dog.

Chapters 9 – 20:

"in-their-net"

Love it!

The fire and the scene with Flame and the zebra foal were the strongest parts of the story. Very good action descriptions. I really liked how you brought Mars the martial eagle back in. That fat 'King Handsome' rat must have been a tasty meal. ;)

Hope hears "a pin drop" in Chapter 20. How would Hope know what a 'pin' was? Maybe change it to something Hope would think of as a quite sound – an eaglet feather falling?

Well, I hope you don't mind my pointing out these very minor issues. Overall, I think it's a really well-written, caring and entertaining story.

Good luck with it. I'm looking forward to the finish.

Best.

m. b. whitlock

Maretha, I've spend a wonderful rainy afternoon snuggled up with your book. I couldn't put it down. I jotted down a few things that I thought might be of help.
Ch1- I love the flow of your words. I can easily see this story read aloud to a child. The imagery is fantastic. But if Hope is asleep how does she know that Flame stormed through the doggie door?
ch2- I thought the husband wasn't there, but you mention him soon after the wife was put upon by the poachers. I got the impression that he and the son weren't there.
ch 4- Who is Vanity? What is forth sleep?
ch6- What was SpikeBullT's accident?
ch7- I see you explain the accident here, but maybe it should be done earlier.
ch 15- SInce the story is told from the POV of Hope and Flame how would they know what is happening in the house?
Your book is such an adventure. I got a vivid image of the animals and their life in southern Africa

Hi Maretha. I intended to read only the first couple of chapters but found myself reading on, so that's a pretty good indicator. There's an old quality to the writing that resonates with growing up in the seventies which I personally enjoyed but I think the target reader would appreciate the style just as much. I did stumble over the language at times, in particular there's the part where Flame is describing his dislike of fires and the final sentence left me wondering if the wording was intentional when read through. Small point in what was a very engaging read. I have given four stars because I only read a few chapters but I am happy to revise if I read it through. Cheers, Annie

What a delightful story. Love the characters, Hope is my favorite. I wish her story of being hit by a train was
more detailed. Enjoyed faunalong immensely, "new moaning" HA! Your writing is wonderfully descriptive. I wish I had a youngster to read this with. My son would have loved it as a child.

Dear Maretha,

I have finished the first 4 chapters and I must say you have done a very good job with Fray's story. It feels a little more grim than the rest of the story, however, all things good and pure of heart must have their reasons. For we do not learn to love by being loved, but by feeling the un-want as well.

Here is what I found. Surprising, as I usual find no flaws in your work :) But none the less... take what you want, leave the rest behind for I am but one person in many. And thusly... my words are only that :)


I don't quite like how chapter 2 is started. It feels as if it should be paired right with chapter 1. Like there should be no separation of chapter. (Entirely up to you, I am more of a cliff hanger.)

"I'm sure everyone is prepared to stay and list to your story…" Right before flame speaks add in something like… (Flame gave his head a quick nod, closing his eyes to draw forth what had effected him so.)

(") My first mistress…."

"I loved my walks with her first thing in the morning…" "I loved our morning walks before the desert sun…"

Chapter 2

I know you said Flame felt scared but maybe add in what he specifically was scared about. Being alone? Being with the strange new owner? Maybe he felt scared and safe at the same time?

"Everyone, that's my cue, I've got to go…" for some reason this doesn't seem like something Flame would say. I don't recall him ever leaving in such a hurry, he usually has things timed out pretty well. Perhaps have him say, "I must go to wait for Jock's beckoning. He and Chestnut Mare are waiting…" And as he goes off he hears the whistle and runs off barking.

Chapter 3

Just reading through about how Flame doesn't like fires. I can't remember if this is brought into the chapter where he saves the foal or not.

"Being quite tall, he stoops slightly at the doorway…" this can be added after (Jock Tall)

Anyway, that is what I have found. You're almost there :) Again, great job and good luck.

-Jack

Maretha, thanks for inviting me to view your book. I wish there were illustrations to go with the descriptive writing style. I really enjoy your use of words and how they flow together, in dialogue, which can be quite difficult for authors. I am a fan of your imagination and how you bring the characters to life.

Some thoughts. It's very, very, very, difficult to write any book with several characters. On top of that, I'm trying to learn an African language/dialect. I'm not sure if you need to present so many characters (main & periphery) to effectively tell your story. I would reduce the # of characters that the reader needs to remember and keep it tight to the family, Flame, and Hope. Be very protective of how you introduce characters and what purpose they serve. When you have so many, it's sometimes hard to tell who's speaking.

The transitions are very important too. I was wanting to read more in some places and the story changed (maybe that's just the formatting). You may have several stories within the context of your chapters that could stand on their own in multiple volumes (many children's books do this).

With that said, the idea and style are unique and colorful. You painted landscapes for me and I connected with the characters. With your style and use of words, let me stay emotionally connected for a while before transitioning. I just felt like things were happening too fast for me.

Cheers and kind regards. You have a way with words.

Maretha,
Normally, I do not find children's stories easy to comment on, but this was delightful. I have read the first four chapters, and will definitely come back to read more.
Best wishes
Morven - Short Story Writer
The Buck Stops Here

Maretha, this was an interesting read. I know that I would have enjoyed it as a child, and it's a great read for adults as well. I think that this story and the writing are a bit more complex than your average childrens book, but I think that an older elementary school child would appreciate it. I also think that this would be a great read for a child at an above average reading level. My brother was reading things like war and peace in the 7th grade, so he probably would have enjoyed this book as well since it is a bit more of a challenge.
Good luck!
Stacy

Interesting story though using "slightly sad" for the insuing narrative seems to be inappropriate. You state in your pitch that Hope is the narrator but Flame is telling the story. You use first person for Hope now but I see no purpose for this (at this point). Usually, the different voices are used to add insight or perspective on the events, your use of it seems a bit arbitrary. All that said, I am emotionally drawn in, at this point, to what is happening with Flame and want to read more. That's good!

2 things on the intro. 1) Doesn't really grab me and 2) I'm not sure of the purpose of using 1st person with Flame. Rewording this to put the dialogue between Hope and Flame before more of the descriptive parts may help. Also, consider using third person to intro these two characters and then allow Hope to take over.

Cute opening.

Maretha, your story is completely unique. Told in the style of the Kalahari Bushmen. The language is rich, and the characters richer (esp. the narrator). I also think you create an amazing tapestry with the story progression. We see not only how Flame grows and becomes the hero he is, but also the relationships that develop between the characters. The reader comes to feel the same sense of community that they feel. The story arc also takes on wider circles of danger (and help from Flame), culminating in the drought and the birds' plea for help. All in all masterful storytelling. 5 Stars!

Maretha, I just read the first four chapters of your book and I find it enchanting. I am an animal lover and I believe many adults, particularly animal lovers, would enjoy it. I think it is perfect for tweeners. I have a 10 year old daughter and I plan to share it with her. I am rating it 6 stars and I am sure we will see it on the editor's desk soon.
Best wishes,
Sara Alley
Ghost Town

I would love to read the book wrapped in a blanket in a warm bed, i have read a few chapters on the internet, but its not the same, as i do not have the time and my eyes hurt (i work on the computer all day). But what i read was beautiful, riveting and humorous so looking forward to seeing it in print

I got a chance to start reading your book. It is quite detailed, and as some have expressed, I am not sure how children would react to some of the information. However, when illustrations are added, I am sure this wil be resolved. My only suggestion would be to have someone edit it for grammar/punctuation,

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read. If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this book.

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who love animals). I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - in keeping the reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate her talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if found in school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what she does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for line-editing (as w/any author's work), it still doesn't diminish the story. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a must read. Even if you have, it's still one to read.

The work of this author was very strong. She does a refined job in creating characterization, plot, and scene. This is a great story for children and adults alike (particularly those who adore animals). Of course, there would be a certain kids' age factor in ability to read and clearly interpret. Nonetheless, I was extremely impressed with the different language elements created. There was even a flash of humor (particularly with the French version) which showed her creative side.
In most cases, writing a story of this magnitude is not an easy task - to keep reader's interest. However, the author does demonstrate a talent for such a skill. The way the humans meshed with the animals was another fine factor - and deserving of recommendation. With illustrations and production completed, I can see it as a children's' favorite. And it wouldn't be a surprise if selected for school libraries. Another exciting factor to see is what the author does with the book trailer.
Although there may be a need for some line-editing and copy-editing (as w/many authors' work), it still doesn't diminish the story. Yes, some of the sentence structure could have be more simplified. If you haven't read any animal stories lately, this is a great read. Even if you have, it is still one to read.
If you've not been to Africa, take a journey through the pages of this story.

I've read the first two chapters, as sadly this was all i have time to read, but i must say this is an excellent read. One reccuring thought i had as i was reading this was that although it is directed towards children, this would also make an interesting subversive, ironic adults book, in much the same way as the stage play, Blue Remembered Hills, does.

However moving away from the placement of the genre or the demographic i have very few, if any, criticisms about the flow and the rhythm of the writing. Rhythm is probably the most important thing a book can have, escpecially work for children, as it will most probably be read out.

Keep up the good work, i shall be reading more when i have the time.

I've read the first two chapters, as sadly this was all i have time to read, but i must say this is an excellent read. One reccuring thought i had as i was reading this was that although it is directed towards children, this would also make an interesting subversive, ironic adults book, in much the same way as the stage play, Blue Remembered Hills, does.

However moving away from the placement of the genre or the demographic i have very few, if any, criticisms about the flow and the rhythm of the writing. Rhythm is probably the most important thing a book can have, escpecially work for children, as it will most probably be read out.

Keep up the good work, i shall be reading more when i have the time.

Hi Maretha,
This is a lovely tale and your descriptions are very vivid. However I wonder how well a child would follow it. I imagine reading it to a class of children and struggling to hold their attention. As an adult I've seen pictures/films of Africa and the wildlife and can visualise what you're describing but I wonder what a child would see. I love the story - for me it is a great book but I'm not sure that it's a children's book. Children today want more pace. Perhaps if it was a book with lots of pictures and the text was simplified. A child would find the beautiful descriptions difficult to follow. If I was reading it to my grandchildren they would be wanting lots of explanations. For example, if they gave up hunting near the farm and went further afield would they not still be hurting the animals? Is that not what is natural?
I wonder if it's actually a rather lovely adult book. However I know there are many children's books out there with long passages of description so I could be wrong.

Wow! What a great read. We are only on chapter 2 and my kids are hooked on the adventures of Flame!! Would love to read this in bound copy with a few illustrations. I know that I can't get enough of this little "underdog" (excuse the pun) and my kids can't either Thanks for all your efforts to bring us his adventures Nicole

Hi Maretha,

I really enjoyed reading your story. I loved the fact it is narrated by Hope, giving her opinion and her perspective. As well as an insight into her life.
The way you introduced the characters made it easy to read. As well as explaining Flame's origins. I was a little sad when Lera died and Kgabo's hatred of Flame after his mothers death.
It's really good, and high starrs from me!

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Maretha,

Nice intro! Your story is creatively detailed as each character and scene was introduced. At this point, it was rather easy to visualize their interactions. You did a lot of "show then tell." And that's a good thing - 'cause its what we readers look for. I'm liking Flame already in his character, and found the arrangement of dialogue to be another pleasurable read (and there was plenty of it). Can't wait to see the illustrations for this; as it would have to off-set the scenes. In this case, that would take your work to another height.
Now, I might add some language maybe a bit complex for younger readers; particularly, in it's pronunciation. The footnotes was a good idea. Overall, I can see this being a marvelous tale for our children. I still have more chapters before finishing but looking forward to the read.

I'm finding the characterization arc you referred to in the changes you made far more compelling from the point of view of the plot. Other than the great adventures undertaken by Flame.. Flame is the plot. Now I have an understanding of his origins. In the previous incantation Flame was introduced after a lenghy discourse between the other characters. For me personally, it somewhat reduced his importance in the story. Flame is the story and for me, the final incantation works better. Originally the story seemed to run in a sort of cause and effect type way. Only when Flame was needed did he appear. Thats how it first appeared to me 'only when Flame was needed did he appear to help his friends' At the time it seemed like a rolling story without anything substantial in it. To make matters worse, cause was sometimes overshadowing the effect. A rolling story where sooner or later, all the outcomes become a bit predictable. Now I think you've got the balance right. Flame is both cause and effect as the story seems more centred now. Possibly even plot induced. Will Flame get justice one day?

I like your story and how you're placing the characters, however from a more grammatical perspective: watch your punctuation (especially your comma usage). You have a lot of dangling modifiers and open clauses that aren't quite formatted correctly. Your story over all is very cute and entertaining, I like how the animals speak with each other and where they're generally going. I'm not quite sure you need the pronunciation guide, but it's always helpful. Best wishes!

Hi Maretha,

When I first read your pitch, the idea of the adventures of a group of animals with a strong connection to place made me think of 'Watership Down', and this association only became stronger for me when I started reading. So far I've read four chapters.

Your descriptions of the exotic sights and smells of Africa weave together to create a rich tapestry, and at moments I could almost feel the temperature of the sun and the earth. I think children will love this. I am also currently quite attached to the character of the narrator, Hope - her voice seems bright but at times uncertain, and I would suggest taking away the brackets that section off some of the asides that hint to an overreaching story arc. The bird has an engaging voice and you should let it envelope and colour the story!

This point leads me to my main suggestion for improvement, which is to do with structure. Clarity is key in a children's story and I think various things blur together a little at the moment. Try to section off chapters more strictly and introduce some clearer signposts to indicate movement from Hope's narration into a story from Flame or one of the other creatures. However, this is a very workable issue as far as I can see, and with a little tweaking it looks like you'll have something potentially very special and exactly the sort of thing that would have engrossed me as a child!

Hi Maretha,

I have read the first few chapters of your story and I must say that I love the style and setting. The description of the African farm is very vivid and easily imagined and the animal characters are all very memorable. I love the use of traditional dialect though feel that some of the bracketed descriptions after the words are unnecessary in the second chapter as you do explain these terms within your footnotes.

My only query is who is the intended audience for this this book? I see that you have both children and YA listed as your genre. As a children's book I think it seems fantastic - I can imagine this as a picture book, although some of your language may be a little difficult for very young readers. As a YA book however it seems a little simplistic and perhaps could use a little fleshing to make it seem a little more complex.

Anyhow, on the whole I really enjoyed this and will certainly read further when I have a little more town. Rated and backed.

Wonderful concept of how the animals develop so strongly.

Hi Maretha,
I've had a look at this wonderful tale and I hope it comes to fruition. I think when illustrations are added you will have a colourful wonderland.

Overall
What is the age group of the intended readers? I love the imagery and would really love to see the illustrations. I also think that kids imaginations can really be captured by animal stories such as this and this one has such an exotic theme that they should love it

Introduction
So I look forward to tell you our stories – that reads a bit strangely to me – I wonder if it might be better if it was
So I look forward to telling you our….

Chapter one
Some lovely imagery, the animals lazing in the sun, the hen rooted to the spot in terror etc. It will be fabulous when it’s illustrated!
Also tension and excitement mounting to capture children’s imaginations.
But, I do wonder again at the age group of the children you’re aiming at – some of the language may be a little difficult.

Chapter two
Personally I found the dialogue at the start of this chapter a little longwinded and dull. Especially if you want to keep children’s attention. And I felt that not much happened here.

Chapter three
I found this chapter sweet and touching. And any child’s heart will melt at the image of the scruffy little puppy.

Chapter four.
I love the grumpy goat and the silly little niggles of life on the farm.
Again though I found some of the dialogue a bit long winded bearing in mind your audience. I’m thinking in terms of would my children read it, while they’d love the animal imagery I’m afraid you might lose their interest on the dialogue. I just feel you might need to age it down a bit, to talk a little more like children talk. Having said that, its just an opinion and I’ve no experience in children’s books at all.

Chapter five
I love the rescue of the rat. I think it’s definitely something that’ll speak to children.
The dialogue between Maisie and the children over the rat though strikes me as a little stiff.

Chapter six
I really like the scene with the king rat, this is a wonderful chapter and poor Flame is misunderstood at the end. Excellent, kids will really relate to that.



I see from your footnotes you do indeed intend illustrating the book and that will really capture the children’s attention but then you need to keep it.

Regardless of my reservations on the dialogue, I’m still backing it because I think it’s lovely, truly magical and has wonderful potential

Hi Maretha, apologies for the delay in posting my comment – I'm disabled and a flare up has slowed me down. Great to finally be catching up though :)

I thought this a wonderful children's story about friendship, family and loyalty, with some lovely characterisations of the animals and plenty of action, adventure and suspense, and I only have a couple of suggestions, which I hope you find helpful.

I thought that sometimes simpler words could have been used, although I realise this very much depends on the age range you are aiming for. Eg: 'Flame immediately saw his intent' could be simplified to 'Flame immediately saw what he wanted to do/was going to do'

Also I thought some of the sentences a little convoluted for a children's book. Eg in Chapter 2,
'You are very wise and I think you'd be the best one for the job, because you speak our animal language, Faunalang, and the many bird dialects fluently and have some Humanlang knowledge as well'
This sentence gives a lot of information with new words and is difficult to follow. I think it could be broken down into 2 or 3 sentences. Eg;
'You are very wise and I think you'd be the best one for the job. You can speak to all the animals in Faunalang, and to most of the birds in their languages. You even know some Humanlang too!'

I've read the first 4 chapters so far and really enjoyed them. You brought me in, tugging on my heartstrings all the way and I'm sure kids will love Flame and his friends. You very cleverly hook each chapter with a little intro of the next adventure. Flame is staying in my WL and I will be back for more.

Karen
Thores-Cross

Hi Maretha, I have read the edited version of African Adventures. I can only say it is truly an inspiring read. The conversations between the animals, the quest Flame has and the support he's earned make it very educational, which from the beginning I mentioned should make it a good classroom book. I have read it to my grandchildren and they love the stories. As they play, they enact and name animals and birds they see according to your story and that tells me its a book we can read to younger children and they will enjoy it. I appreciate the thoughts and time spent on the edit and in my opinion, its made it a much better read. Hope to find it in the the bookstore soon. Regard, LB.

Hi Maretha, I have read the edited version of African Adventures. I can only say it is truly an inspiring read. The conversations between the animals, the quest Flame has and the support he's earned make it very educational, which from the beginning I mentioned should make it a good classroom book. I have read it to my grandchildren and they love the stories. As they play, they enact and name animals and birds they see according to your story and that tells me its a book we can read to younger children and they will enjoy it. I appreciate the thoughts and time spent on the edit and in my opinion, its made it a much better read. Hope to find it in the the bookstore soon. Regard, LB.

Maretha,
You have created a lovely children’s animal tale with some very colorful creatures. I read through your first five chapters. Right away, the scene with the eagle was fast paced as the hens skittered away just in time under the bush and Flame attacked the great bird in defense of his feathered friend.

Detailed descriptions paint lively pictures of the African farm setting. I like how you told Flame’s story of when he was young. His own tale and how he cared for the orphans felt warm and gave me a good feeling about Flame.

The added background on Jock and Maisie helped to add dimension to the two human characters, not so prevalent in the story, but friends to the animals.

I liked the line by Hope, ‘It sent shivers down my feathers.”

Flame meets the goat and learns a lesson. I like the protection theme in this story and the close-knit feeling of the animal friends. This book will surely catch the interest of children as I can see it is full of adventure and fun. I like the protection theme and the closeness of the animals. They feel like a family caring for each other. This is well written, energetic and lively and truly is a special story. I hope to see you do well with this.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Hello Maretha,

I finally got around to your book this weekend, read the first few chapters. A very original and interesting tale. The characters are quite engaging. Children's books are not my cup of tea these days, but if the future holds grandchildren I am sure I’ll get back into them and I hope by then that your book is available for purchase.

Good job and best of luck,

Pino - Espresso & Sambuca, Insights to Happiness

I've read three chapters and can't help think of Animals of Farthing Wood.
You're a good writer, and the book flows well. I can see this doing very well.
This isn't the type of thing I'm very interested in, but that isn't a reflection on your writing.

Love the intro!! And introducing the narrator! ;) good job! Plan to read whole book! And shelving as soon as I have computer access!

Hope u may take a look at my novel ;)

KMM- Gypsy of Vilda

I'm on chapter 13 right now so I guess for now I'm done, please let me know when more goes up.

For now, keeping in mind that you say this isn't supposed to be a series of stories but a single narrative... it's not a single narrative. You tell the story of Rat X, the story of Rocksy Rabbit, the story of Flame, I assume eventually the story of Hope and off and on tell other stories. This is a book of small stories, but they're set up to parallel a single narrative. I know, it's your story, ultimately you say was it is, but really that seems to be the kind of story you have written. Nothing wrong with it, that's just what I'm reading.

If you mean to have the main narrative emphasized, I think you need to frame the side stories a little better as separate and not part of it. Again, I might recommend reading Tom Sawyer and maybe 1001 Arabian Nights (well not all of them, but just for a little research). Both are stories with a single narrative that connects smaller stories within their pages.

Really I'm not sure what is irking me about the framing here. Mostly it seems that the separate stories aren't framed as though they are in fact meant to be separate material. That's why I assumed this was a book of short stories (well that and the title kinda implies that if you think about it) as the narrative and the stories aren't treated as separate entities. Most single narratives use flash backs or the like, but it's not wrong to have separate stories, just so long as the reader sees that they are separate. I've never written like that, so I don't have a lot of tips off the top of my head. I'll have to think a while if you need some ideas.

I'll hold off on the big review until you have more up. After all, the review is supposed to be of the whole story.

I read chapter 9 as this is a return read where the lovely moral stories continue. I would definitely say this book would best suit a younger children's audience rather than an older age child audience but it has delightful characters and draws a vivid picture through the narration.
Great job
Michelle

Right now I'm on chapter eleven. In this book, for the most part the stories themselves and the characters there in, are very good. However the arrangement of the stories seems kinda haphazard to be honest. It's not in chronological order, or in order of character introduction, really the time line goes back and forth several times. While it can be followed, I might recommend trying to straighten things out into more straight forward series of stories, rather than, for instance, constantly telling character back stories in the middle of a completely different story. I thought for instance that Rat X's story could have been its own small story, rather than pushed into a completely different story focused on her trying to escape the rat king.

This series rather reminds me of another series of short stories about a dog called “Brother Super”. Brother Super was non-fiction, and it's meant very much to be a Christian book, but I think you might find it informative about the short story writing style nonetheless. A more classic series of stories, this one also fiction but not centering on animals, would be Tom Sawyer. Also a lesser known classic would be Treve by Alber Payson. Just recommended reading.

That being said, I like the characters and story so far, but I am sensing that I may get lost because of how it tends to skip around.

I'm here per our agreement to read each other's stories all the way through. Would be great to read the rest rather than just to chapter thirteen I'm sure, as this one is flowing great. I'm on chapter five right now.

This story seems to be for a younger audience than I'm use to looking at. That being said, bravo so far! I noticed a few grammar mistakes, but not too many, and the intro seemed a little long, and a little jumbled, but nothing too terrible.

My biggest concern right now would be that the story of Mars seems rather out of place, like it should have taken place after the introduction to Flame. It seems you were a might too eager to introduce your narrator, who actually comes up during your set up anyway.

Also, depending on how reliant the story will be on images, perhaps you might want to clarify what some of the animals are so children can look them up.

Finally, as a side note, I'm not sure about the usage of the word “harem”. I know what it means in nature, but maybe you should just say “nannies”.

(Do you haven't a deviant art account or something with the images you were intending on using?)

CHIRG review:

Engaging read.
I read the first 3 chapters and really enjoyed them.
Your style and description conjures up imagery with a distinctly African flavour - well done.
First line of chapter 2 is fantastic - "Before I could whistle...."
Good chapter titles.

Lisa
Great Big Safari Park Stories

It reminds me a bit of Peter Rabbit in Africa. I haven't read much at all though and can't seem to catch the groove of the story. I'm not that familiar with Africa either, so some of the flora, fauna, etc is a bit lost on me. I can get a mental picture of oak trees but I don't seem to do well with the others.