Book Jacket

 

rank 2110
word count 47139
date submitted 23.04.2012
date updated 16.10.2012
genres: Fiction, Romance
classification: universal
complete

Christian and Arabella

Angela De Souza

Love stronger than anything imaginable.

 

A love that was doomed from the start. They were from two different worlds. Christian would do anything to win Arabella's heart but most of his attempts were intercepted by some nasty men and by life itself.
Arabella seemed on a downward spiral and life for her was filled with one heart ache after another. Christian never lost hope and never stopped loving her to the point that it would cost him everything.
If ever there was a tale of true romance and the power of one man's love, this is it.

Cover photo by my lovely daughter, Lorah, www.lorahkelly.co.uk

 
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tags

adventure, drama, drugs, fiction, london, love, prison, rape, romance

on 17 watchlists

46 comments

 

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evermoore wrote 539 days ago

Angela....Your gift is amazing. Christian is the perfect name for Jesus....the opening chapter brought 'footsteps' to mind. His footprints being the only ones as he carried Arabella during her brokenness. All of her life...all of her wrong choices, behaviors, addictions...didn't matter to Him at all. He loved her. He watched over her. He waited for her to simply love Him back. She finally acknowledges His love and tells Him she's unworthy of such love...but He not only begs to differ, He pays for all of her transgressions. He gives her a brand new life and she finally, humbled, gives herself to Him, accepting the love that was always there. A lesson for every single one of us. I loved this...I love your gift. Six stars and a hug...
Linda

Blancherose wrote 643 days ago

This is a great start. Your writing is easy to read and visual, as I can see color and expression well described. The story line is interesting and I can see why you have so many books on your shelf. You are a natural at this type of writing and I look forward to reading more. High stars!

Roslyn

Scribe-Lings, for your child like heart
"I Am" Through the Ages, for your seeking heart

Abby Vandiver wrote 650 days ago

Well, is he shy or a stalker! Christian seems quite smitten. There are a few grammatical mistakes. I think that reading it out loud will help. "An wounded woman" s/b "A wounded woman." And "crossed street" (singular) doesn't match with "traffic lights" (plural) unless the one street had more than one traffic light. Either street should be plural or lights should be singular. You have "Accident and Emergency" twice in one sentence and they are close together. Try changing one. I think that the opening sentence is awkward. "It was just noon." Maybe it could be "It was barely noon" or "just after noon." And writing out 22 would maybe work better or taking off the "nd." There is a continuity problem though with that sentence because later on you say that Christian came to watch her walk home at 5am and she had left early. Is it noon or is it five o'clock in the morning? And then he should have called an ambulance, it took him twenty minutes to get there. And once there, instead of being ignored, why doesn't he yell "help, somebody help me?" He just stands there. Then he doesn't give her name. He should give her name.

Good start.

Abby

Geddy25 wrote 705 days ago

I've just read the first two chapters of this inriguing story and found myself lost in it.
You gained my interest from the very start and I love the way you slowly built up the relationship between Christian and Arabella. You can always tell how involved you are with a story you're reading when you're hoping certain things will happen or not, and I found myself in this position.
You really have done a great job on your text in that you always give enough but not too much detail that detracts from the story you're telling.
I found a few typos but other than that it was a great read.
Top stars and wishing you good luck with this!
Mike.
(Way Back To Devil's Mountain)

Elizabeth Kathleen wrote 710 days ago

Bless your heart, Angela, you have done a wonderful job in representing the kind of love that Jesus exhibited for us. A love that keeps on giving and doesn't ask for anything in return. How many times have we, as Arabella, fallen into mistakes that only the love of God has pulled us out. I appreciate you writing this.
God bless you!!
Elizabeth Kathleen
"If Children are Cheaper by the Dozen, Can I Get a Discount on Six?"

Lenny Banks wrote 728 days ago

Hi Angela, I read chapter 5. This is an amazing window into the life of an unfortunate girl and I think it is an excellent idea. All too often people gamble or make assumptions and you have written about the the consequences very well. It read fine and the characters were believeable and well designed. Not my normal cup of tea, it was interestesting to read what you have written, most young ladies never talk about things like this, well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock
If you are able to find the time, can I be cheeky and ask for a return read as I would be interested on your take on my story, one of my characters is quite similar. Thanks.

David Olawoyin wrote 763 days ago

Many have written for different reasons and in diverse ways, but what comes through here is your passion for the written word and the desire to impact lives with the same. You tell your story in a simple and original way and let it do the job. To you, it seems to be a ministry more than anything else, and I discern a dedication and persistence. For this reason, I will not assess your work by traditional parameters. Nevertheless, I noticed a little thing. In Paragraph 6 of Chapter 1, you write "...an wounded woman." You mean to say "...a wounded woman." Thanks for this offering. Stay close to Him and you might realize your goal in a way that surpasses your expectations. Blessings always.

Melissa Koehler wrote 768 days ago

So sorry it's taken me so long to do my part of our read swap.

I've read the first chapter and I really did like it. It''s got an intense, mysterious beginning and then a cute flashback. Your descriptions are vivid and easy to imagine. Your pitches are clear and intriguing. You have found the perfect balance to give enough away without giving away too little or too much. The only crit I can really offer you is that I noticed you have some really large paragraphs. I would maybe consider cutting them into two. But other than that, I really enjoyed what I read.

Hoping to hear some feedback from you!
Melissa :)
Gut Instincts
Not So Sweet Sixteen

Debbie R wrote 780 days ago

You asked me to pick a chapter I didn't read before so have gone for chapter 10

First of all a few things I picked up on

First paragraph 'as he ran towards he ..., shout (ed) at him to stop '

'trying to snap out of his gaze, but unable to control it one bit' This sounds clumbsy - perhaps 'struggling to lower his gaze, but unable to do so'

'... and to win your heart, to me' You don't need the 'to me' at the end.

Hope these are helpful.
Overall this is a chapter with lots going on and it reads well. The plot is definitely thickening with Christian in jail.

Good luck with it
Debbie
Speedy McCready





kingsdaughter wrote 781 days ago

I have finished each chapter now, please can you read one of the chapters that you have not already read and give me your feedback - I would be very grateful and will systematically begin to return all reads the week after next.

Maria Constantine wrote 784 days ago

I have read all the chapters posted as I was particularly drawn into Arabella's life. The writer describes Christian and Arabella's initial meeting from both points of views in the first two chapters which I find effective. Their initial romance is described so beautifully and explores such innocence that it is a sharp contrast to the relationship Arabella later has with Judd. The pain, humiliation and confusion Arabella suffers at the loss of her innocence is described vividly and the reader is taken on a journey of forgiveness and healing.
A story of love that overcomes all barriers.
High stars.

Maria (Georgina's Family)

Debbie R wrote 788 days ago

Angela

This is obviously going to be a good old love story. The reader is pulled right into the story with Christian finding Arabella close to death.

The pace is good and Arabella and Christian's characters come across well.

Sometimes I find your writing is a little formal if that makes sense. It does tend to stop the flow in some parts.

A couple of typos is chap 1 'Christian was still in shocked by ...'

Also 'Christian was at a loss for words and though(t) it best ...'

I am sure this will be a popular read for those who like a love story. I wish you all the best with it.

Starring it now.

Debbie (Speedy McCready)

mistybrooke wrote 788 days ago

added to watchlist- I love your profile! thank you for the support for "Christian Single Female"! May God continue to Bless you!

DoninMich wrote 789 days ago

Angela,

I found your story intriquing. At the hospital sceen I thought of having them find out they are ghosts. That's why the people were ignoring them. But, you took another road, which is also fine.

I do think you spent too much time in the past. Jumping back in time and then doing it again in the first two chapters is a bit hard to handle for both the writer and the reader. It's better to stick with one time period. If so much is important for the story, you should have started the story in the past. The reader would forget the present and get mixed up on the past and the past past. I agree with the other's statement that you should of stayed with one tense.

What was your purpose for rushing her to the hospital as your first sceen? Why didn't you just start with the past and bring it up to the present? It would read better. Still I thought you wrote very well. It is a touching love story that needed to start the story.

You please read my stories, "Demon War," "Time of Jacob's Trouble," and "The Unholy Trinity." please critique one or more of them. I find it important to give a Gospel message in all stories since that is the purpose for writing.

God bless you,

Don R. Budd

Cara Gold wrote 795 days ago

{Christian and Arabella} – Angela De Souza

This book begins powerfully! I think it is a hard thing to pull off a death at the beginning of a book well, because we are yet to know the characters, and so it can be hard to sympathise with them and connect. But you do this well, and the sharp depiction of Arabella’s injuries, as well as Christian’s plea ‘Please don’t let her die…’ is heart-wrenching.

Small suggestion here – perhaps split this chapter at ‘It was love at first sight’ and make the first part a prologue? Just to make a clearer distinction that we are going back in time…

You do the transition well, however, and the reader is put on edge as we wonder what events led to that gripping opening.

I like the way you begin to develop the relationship between Christian and Arabella, and the complications they face because of their class differences. The last line of chapter two ‘She was plain angry and she didn’t really know why’ tugged at me.

In chapter three, I cried with Arabella as her virginity was taken – you handled this so powerfully, and especially at the end when she is scrubbing away in the shower, this is so symbolic. No amount of water can ‘cleanse’ her, and I felt her distress.

Chapter four; just quickly need a comma in first sentence (dialogue) and lower case ‘h’ for ‘her mother’
Very powerful when God speaks to her, and she says “I choose to live”. Also, at the end when she thinks ‘This was not cheap…’ my mind leapt to think of Christian…! :)

This is a delightful read and not much for me to criticize! If there is one point of feedback I’d offer, just be careful at times of passive voice – do a search for ‘was’ and see how many times it crops up in places. Simple rewording can change the sentence around and make it more active, bringing the reader more into the scene and making them feel emotions more powerfully. Just a thought!

Anyway high stars and watchlisted for further reading, I look forward to it :) Thanks so much for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction!’
Have a terrific day
Cara
p.s. I also notice you have many books uploaded- congratulations on writing so many and good luck with them all!!

My Boy's Daddy wrote 795 days ago

Happy to put this on my shelf. It comes highly recommended by my wife Faith Rose.

Scott Toney wrote 798 days ago

Wow, such a powerful read! Starred highly!!!

Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

j.l. wood-miller wrote 805 days ago

Christian & Arabella (1st 4 chapters) is a charming and honest evocation of the trials of life experienced by a young woman and consequently touches upon issues like rel'ships, sexuality and making one's way--sort of 'Pilgrim's Progress' for the contemporary woman. The writing is clear. The succession of events in the 1st 4 chapters creates the necessary tension. There are a few vague moments: 'Her heart filled with mixed emotions', 'beautiful flowers', but these are very few. An entertaining and involving read.

-j.l. wood-miller

L_MC wrote 807 days ago

Hi Angela, I noticed the tags you placed on the story and thought it sounded like an interesting mix of romance and difficult issues, especially the mention of rape and drugs. With that in mind, when Judd started bringing her the juice at the party I half-expected it to contain a date-rape drug.

You have some intriguing ideas and opening with the hopeless situation in which Christian finds Arabella sets an emotional and dramatic tone. It's in sharp contrast to the sweetness and innocence of the teenage years, which in themselves are contrasted by the rape that occurs when Arabella rebels.

I made some notes on the first couple of chapters:
Chapter One

Think you could remove the just from the first sentence, for more impact.

Some words look like they should be hyphenated, such as fresh kicked, beat up.

Instances were the speech sounds formal because contractions aren't used, for example there is, instead of there's.

There appears to be a contradiction - he says there is still hope for her, but the next line refers to her lifeless body. Then it goes on to say he found her in a state of near death.

A few errors/typos, like he new, instead of knew.

'Once again, as always...' - you only need the once again or the as always. Once again is repeated in the paragraph.

Like the new line and short paragraph for, 'They made eye contact.' Sets it apart, gives it a touch of drama.

Chapter Two
Arabella is addressing her mother in speech so should have a capital M.

Lot of repetition of strange, strangely in the paragraph beginning 'Arabella walked off...' The sentence, 'She felt a strange feeling inside of her heart, it was beating a little strangely, not something she was accustomed to feeling.' could be shortened for greater impact because each comma separates a description that is essentially the same as the others.

Mom sounds American.

Some contradiction - 'Is he even who he claims to be?' followed by, 'Christian has never made any claims about who he was.'

Sidewalk is American.

I also think you may be facing the same dilemma I was with one of my books. It tells the story of a lost first love reunited so I also spent chapters concentrating on showing the teenage relationship. Initially, the teenage chapters were told in a straight timeline, after an adult prologue. The general consensus was that created too strong a YA feel and I think the same issue may be occurring here. I ended up restructuring and cutting a lot of the teenage years but I'm not suggesting you do the same, this is your story and should be told your way.

Isoje David wrote 807 days ago

A splendid story, i have back and rated six stars

Isoje David
Animals in Paradise

leelah wrote 808 days ago

Just a short comment to the pitch: i would remove "very" from "some VERY nasty men" - you could find a description that is much more to the point here.
Leelah

kingsdaughter wrote 808 days ago

Thank you to everyone for your helpful comments. Just one comment of my own. This book is not a young adult book although the first couple of chapters flash back to when they were young. Consider it as you would consider Romeo and Juliet - a story with young adults but it appeals to all ages.

I am extremely grateful for all the support I have received for this book, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to point out specific mistakes and made suggestions - it is unbelievably helpful :)

Love
Angela
xxx

AbbieLilly wrote 808 days ago

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you! I actually read several chapters -the first four or five, a few days ago, but did not then have time to comment. Just to reiterate what others have said and what I am sure you are tired of hearing -once you fix a few of the grammatical errors (and probably just accidental typing mistakes,) your writing will improve enormously.
The town around them/their surroundings is a little bit bare and hard to imagine. Perhaps adding small details would make it more real.
Other than that, for a young adult book (as I assume this is,) it is an appealing story, particularly its symbolism. Just take care to fix up the little things and it will be polished!
Best of luck. :)

AbbieLilly wrote 808 days ago

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you! I actually read several chapters -the first four or five, a few days ago, but did not then have time to comment. Just to reiterate what others have said and what I am sure you are tired of hearing -once you fix a few of the grammatical errors (and probably just accidental typing mistakes,) your writing will improve enormously.
The town around them/their surroundings is a little bit bare and hard to imagine. Perhaps adding small details would make it more real.
Other than that, for a young adult book (as I assume this is,) it is an appealing story, particularly its symbolism. Just take care to fix up the little things and it will be polished!
Best of luck. :)

Su Dan wrote 810 days ago

this book flows very well, and your basic skills are clear to see.
backed...
read SEASONS...

RoyEarle93 wrote 811 days ago

This is a touching and compelling story. Your characters are vivid and seem real, you clearly have talent. I only read a few chapters but I like what I read.

Roy Earle "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

hadley wrote 811 days ago

Hi angela,
You engage the reader quickly in the opening chapters of what seems like such a youthful romantic love story and then by the end of chapter three what a twist of circumstances leading to despair. A sure encounter of life's ups and downs and the wrong person in the wrong place!! A good story for young people, girls in particular, to be weary of the wrong crowd and how easily ones life can be altered. Conversations flow well between your chacters and they are relevant to your subject matter. I enjoy your style as you definitely have talent, highlly starred!!! On my watch list!!

Morgan H wrote 812 days ago

Angela,

This story is very touching, and I think you have talent. I am a reader, not an editor, but I would love to see this story published, so I just wanted to make two comments. First, heart wrenching scene about the rape. Well written, but Arabella thinks, "It's no suppose to be this way." I think you mean not. A small thing to correct, but can trip up readers.
In chapter 7, you ask for advice if you should write about prison life. My advice about this, don't ask for advice from others, write what you like to write, then edit it afterward. You ask three different writers their advice, you will get four opinions.
My comments arn't usually this detailed, but I would love to see a romanic story about true unconditional love get published. There is a market for Christian novels, I think this would fit in that category.
I think you are a good story teller, and I give this high stars.
I am going to put this novel on my watchlist.
Morgan H

Emily Briane R. wrote 812 days ago

Hi Angela,
First off, you did an incredible job telling this story. It's a beautiful example of redemption and forgiveness. Well done!
Just a few comments to help you out- at the beginning of the novel, Christian saves Arabella from whom he finds lying on the side of the road, yet later in the story you say that Judd dropped her at the hospital. Are these different incidents?
I also noticed you called Christian "Edmund" in his prince form, yet later in the novel you address him as Prince Christian. Naturally, the reader understands who he is, but it counters the first introductions of Christian's royal blood.
I definitely agree with many of the over comments- your first two chapters flowed very well, and since you are not finished with editing the others, I trust they will improve in this way soon as well. Just the common mistakes we all make when we're writing in a hurry or simply oblivious.
I sat down and read your story straight through, so take that as proof of its engaging plot.

Emily

irelandsmemories wrote 812 days ago

Hi Angela
I enjoyed reading this story, you have created these authentic characters and thrust them into a contemporary world. You had me captivated at chapter four, the hospital scene.. her physical state, her emotions, the mother speaking that one comfort sentence, how much she loved her and the father announcing that a mystery party was paying for her medical expenses, all these interactions set the tone for the next stage.

You are creatively talented
Good Luck with this journey

Highly starred!
Thanks
FC

Shelby Z. wrote 815 days ago

I like the changes and think this flows a lot smoother.
High ratings!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Margaret0307 wrote 816 days ago

Very compelling start which made me immediately want to know/read more. Very interesting characters and you use 'hooks' very well by only telling us a little about them to start with. Who is Christian and why does he already know the police? You are obviously a very good story teller. I want to read more especially to see how the Christian (not just the man!) theme develops so the book will remain on my watchlist. You are a talented writer.

Just a couple of small points I noticed - the target response time for a London ambulance .....etc but Christian new - should be knew? and also 'it was obvious .....one clearly of breading and class' should be 'breeding'? Hope these small points might help a bit but they don't spoint the story!

Will let you know when I have read more

God Bless
Margaret
How do I know I know God?

Brian G Chambers wrote 818 days ago

Hi Angela
I think you have the makings of a fine romantic story here. Even though it is not my general type of reading I have enjoyed reading what I have, so far. Just a couple of little typos I noticed. sometimes you use Z in realise. there is an S missing from DAYS there is one other, but I can't remember what it is. Nothing to really worry about. Just read it through and you will spot it yourself. I know it is difficult to read your own work, because you know the story and what you have written, but it pays to take your time and read it through to correct any silly little mistakes.
Have given you high stars.
Best wishes Brian.

kingsdaughter wrote 819 days ago

I am so pleased that you pointed out the 'ly' thing, I have had a good look at all the adverbs now and found suitable replacements for most of them. Thanks so much for highlighting that as I was total'ly' (ha ha doing it again) unaware how often I did that!

Hi Angela, as you requested, I had another read of ch 1. Much better, but now you've another thing to tackle. I'm telling you this because you asked me, so don't be too mad at me. If you'll do a find function, there are more than 100 "ly" endings. Some are alright. Others are adverbs that if I were writing, I would delete. I'll point out that you have "carefully" 5 times, two in adjoining paragraphs "Finally" is used 5 times. I would remove unnecessary combinations unless you believe a combination is crucial to your story, like: "totally oblivious," "very quickly," "laughing merrily," "completely unfamiliar," "absolutely no attention."

Most places you don't need the adverb. I hope this helps, as I intended my comments to help tighten it. Editing is the most difficult aspect of writing.

Have a fantastic week!
Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 819 days ago

Dear Angela

Your edited first chapter is much clearer and easier to read now. Well done, indeed! Go for clarity every time, and if in doubt, leave it out. That works well for me, as I am inclined to use ten words, where one would do!

I wish you all the best with your story writing. You have a clear, involving tone, a great eye for detail.

Fran :-))

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 819 days ago


~Christian and Arabella by Angela De Souza~

This is such a gripping, gritty story. I really liked the detailed descriptions and the strong main characters. The gentle, delicate way in which Christian takes care of the injured Arabella – he’s a real knight in shining armour!

A beautiful love story that would be perfect for the YA market. Recommended and WL so I can read more! Well done, Angela!

Iman xxx

http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Here are just a few suggestions:

Perhaps use a larger font (size 12 perhaps?).

Chapt 1:
- ‘Christian was in good personal shape[, ]but carry[ing] her was tiring.’
- ‘...lay her head over his shoulder and her arms around [his] neck.’
- Suggestion: Keep thoughts on a separate line to narration and description.
- ‘I’m Arabella,’ [s]he said shyly.

Chapt 2:
- After ‘Arabella’ link this with ‘Arabella, did you find the box I asked for?’ so that it’s all on the same line.
- ‘I’m Arabella,’ she said shyly. (A repeat from Chapt 1). Also, make sure to use a comma before 'she said,' etc.
- ‘Yes,’ [s]he said in her one word answer again.

TDonna wrote 819 days ago

Hi Angela, as you requested, I had another read of ch 1. Much better, but now you've another thing to tackle. I'm telling you this because you asked me, so don't be too mad at me. If you'll do a find function, there are more than 100 "ly" endings. Some are alright. Others are adverbs that if I were writing, I would delete. I'll point out that you have "carefully" 5 times, two in adjoining paragraphs "Finally" is used 5 times. I would remove unnecessary combinations unless you believe a combination is crucial to your story, like: "totally oblivious," "very quickly," "laughing merrily," "completely unfamiliar," "absolutely no attention."

Most places you don't need the adverb. I hope this helps, as I intended my comments to help tighten it. Editing is the most difficult aspect of writing.

Have a fantastic week!
Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 821 days ago

Dear Angela

This story has a lot going for it. You have a plausible plot, with the great beginning, that fires us up to ask what is happening. Your characters are well depicted. The conversational tone of your story is also appealing and works well in this type of story, which feels targeted to a YA audience. The observed details are realistic too, helping us to get involved with the story. This is all very promising indeed, and I would say that most of the hard creative work has been done!

May I suggest that you give this piece a good clean up? Editing can make your writing shine. You might like to experiment with reading aloud. Consider trimming down elements of repetition, or anything that feels as if it does not belong.

For example, the sentence in the middle of your long paragraph at the start of chapter 1, "Opposite the many beds he noticed many desks...." feels as if it is slowing down an action scene which you have been building nicely. The other sentences around this are filled with movement. Perhaps this sentence could be moved, or taken out, so that the sense of movement in that section is kept up.

For clarity, some of your sentences might be edited down. So for example, the sentence, "Please let me know as soon as you have any information on how she is doing..." could become "Can you let me know what happens?" or "Do you think she's going to be okay?" Just as it would be in real life, the sentence could leave some things unexplained, but give enough info so that we understand what Christian is asking.

Beware of introducing the narrators opinions into the story...the section beginning "Number 67 Bedford Gardens..." right up to, "we will catch up with you" feels kind of like a newspaper article. I was left wondering what it had to do with the story of two people in love? I would consider leaving that section out. Instead, can you convey the same information - assuming it has to be mentioned to make sense of the story - in a way that involves Arabella and Christian directly? Then we can also relate to it more easily...

This is a very promising piece. Your tone is lively and involving, your story is very compelling, and I wish you luck with it.

All the very best

Fran XX :-))

Wanttobeawriter wrote 822 days ago

CHRISTIAN & ARABELLA
This is an interesting story. The beginning is dramatic: a woman beaten and battered and picked up and brought to an emergency room. I like the way you then flashback to explain who is Christian and how did he come to meet this woman. I think your writing style is just right for this story; you infuse enough detail to let your reader be able to picture things that are happening, yet not so much you bog down your story. Gives this a good pace. You also have a good character in Christian. He’s likable because he scooped up Arabella to rescue her; also has an air of mystery about him because why would someone of his status be interested in Arabella’s fate. A small thing: for some reason I can’t really explain (I think because the name Arabella is so old-fashioned, I thought this story was going to take place in the 1800s. Was surprised to see Christian walk into a modern hospital). Not a problem if I’m the only one who mentions that but if more do, you might want to make a point of the date early on. Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

TDonna wrote 822 days ago

Good start, immediately creating the scene and building the intrigue. Good flow to the chapter with well structured sentences. The pace seemed good. I agree with Sharda's recommendations, watch for POV switches and using too many adjectives. The storyline sounds promising, it's one I would want to read :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Sharda D wrote 822 days ago

Hi Angela,
first well done for attempting a novel! And well done for being brave enough to put it up here!! If you are serious about writing, the best thing to do would be to take a writing course or two. There are some wonderful part time courses run by Universities and adult education centres all over the country. I'm sure you'll find one local to you. They are a great way of learning your craft and getting feedback in a friendly atmosphere.

You are very good at writing about emotions. Your writing and story is generally tender and sentive. Here are a few pointers that will improve it further.

1) Be careful about switching point of view too frequently. Perhaps stick with one person's viewpoint for each chapter. While it's acceptable to shift viewpoint within a chapter, try not to do it within a paragraph. So if you are writing from Christian's point of view (POV) then only tell us what he can see/hear/smell using language that he would use. Fully inhabit his character while you write. Don't give him knowledge that he wouldn't have. So, e.g. in the bit about the benefit fraud, unless Christian had memorised the newspaper article, he probably wouldn't be able to quote from it directly which it sounds like he is doing because we are in his POV at that point! I would cut out the benefit fraud bit entirely, it sounds too much like a personal campaign and stands out as being very different in tone to the rest. It doesn't really fit in a romantic novel.

2) Think about who you are writing for. What age are you aiming this book at? You need to make the age of the characters similar to those you are writing for, otherwise publishers are usually reluctant to publish. The first few chapters sound like a Young Adult novel, but you don't have that as one of your genres.

3) Make it believable! Anything that isn't gets distracting for the reader and they find it hard to trust the author. As far as I can tell, Christian is carrying Arabella to hospital, walking the 20min journey without us once hearing how he struggles to hold her or has to put her down or shift her position. I have problems carrying my six year old up the stairs, and I would find my nine year old almost impossible to carry for any length of time! Have him struggle a bit more, it's more believable and also more romantic!

If you think carefully about these three things, I think you'll do very well indeed!
All the best brave lady!
Sharda.
I think we were doing a reading swap, would be curious to find out what you think of mine!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

scargirl wrote 825 days ago

you are on a good start here....tender characters...the love and hate of life...
j
what every woman should know

lizjrnm wrote 825 days ago

So far from what I've read this is going to do very well on Authonomy. Quite compelling and promises to be a page-turner. I will message you my specific comments in a day or so, otherwise - this is on my shelf! Well done. Starred high as well.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Shelby Z. wrote 825 days ago

This is fantastic!!!!
The way that you open this is so perfectly portrayed. It is sad and deep.
Then you open to BEFORE all of this happened.
Christian is a wonderful sweet character that anyone would really be drawn to in a book.
Very well written.
Your pitch pulled me in.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

faith rose wrote 826 days ago

Dear Angela,

Thank you so much for inviting me to look at your new novel. Wow...what an amazing undertaking! :)

I just read your opening chapter, and I immediately loved the tenderness of Christian. You have drawn him so well, and he seems to remain consistently loving, genuine, and caring throughout the first chapter. The backstory is well-presented also, as you share Arabella's work place and how they met each other. I also liked your handling of the dialogue. Your conversations did not dominate or take away from the story; they truly added to the plot. You also did a marvelous job painting a sympathetic picture of Arabella's sadness. As Christian "wondered why," the reader also wondered, and intrigue was heightened.

There seemed to be a slight shift in point of view, which I've heard is a little complicated to keep straight in full length novels. For instance, you seem to be starting with Christian's viewpoint, but then shift to Arabella's when you mention "she felt like she had lost her soul." I have read wonderful novels that do abruptly shift viewpoints, but it may be something to think through before you write whole piece.

One of the strengths of this story is certainly its authentic focus on human relationships. Your love and tenderness brilliantly shine through Christian. I am looking forward to see how the rest of this piece unfolds. Very well done, Angela!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

kingsdaughter wrote 826 days ago

This is my first attempt at a novel so I thought I would upload it at the begining of the journey so I can get feedback and advise from exprienced writers here on Authonomy. Please leave your honest opinion as I do want to learn how to write a novel :)

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