Book Jacket

 

rank 4804
word count 15678
date submitted 25.04.2012
date updated 06.06.2012
genres: Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

In the household

Rachelsarah Glasgow

Set in Scotland against the backdrop of unemployment and teenage angst. In the household is an attempt at realism.

 

Set in the far north of Scotland against the backdrop of unemployment and teenage angst, In the household is an attempt at realism.
The lives of married couple Jacqueline and David become entwined with that of teenage rebels Marie and Clare. Whilst Jacqueline and Davids marriage is hitting the rocks the lives of Marie and Clare are about to change forever.
Here for you now is the first nine chapters.

 
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tags

angsty, realism, rebellion, teenage

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14 comments

 

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Chapters

10

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                                CHAPTER TEN

 

        It was three o’clock in the morning. All the lights were out in the house and the moon shone brightly overhead. Somewhere in the distance an owl hooted. Marie stood at the front gate getting her bearings about her. She staggered slightly as she stood. Gradually she opened the gate and made her way slowly down the path, something was different but in her muddled mind she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Carefully she went. She felt as if her feet were gradually sinking into the path. She assumed that this had something to do with the drugs.

        Carefully she opened the door and crept inside, through the hall and up the stairs. She had put her foot on the top stair when she heard a voice behind her say.

        “Marie!” it was her mum. She turned around and looked down. The lights went on in the hallway and she seen through bleary eyes her mother standin at the bottom of the stairs.

        “I’m not drunk!” she blurted out.

        “Come down here now!”

        She stamped her way down the stairs and planted her feet firmly in front of her mum.

        “I’m not drunk.” She repeated.

       “I don’t believe you.”

        “Look I’ll prove it, I’ll show you how I walked in!” in hr confused state she believed that this would work. She stormed out the house all the way up to the gate and began to walk slowly and steadily towards the house. Halfway down the path something gave way underfoot and she fell sideways into the dirt.

       “Now look what you’ve gone and done!” her mum shouted. She lay stunned as she was pulled roughly up off the grass.

       “You’ve broken the path!” she had no idea what she was talking about; all she knew was that she badly wanted to go to bed. Her mum held onto her arm for several minutes shouting at her, calling her unreasonable and telling her she was a nuisance.

       Eventually after what seemed like hours she let her go. She struggled upstairs. In her bedroom she switched the light on and sat on her bed. Her room was a mess, clothes lying all over the floor, make up strewn across the dresser; she had a feeling that her mum would demand it be tidied up the next day, hangover or no hangover. The thought of it made her toes curl.

         It had been a good night; they had listened to music and taken more of the white power which she now knew to be called cocaine. She had heard of it before but had never been sure of what it was. But now that she had tried it she decided that she liked it, she liked the effect that it had on her. It seemed to lift her mood and free her of any inhibitions that may have been plaguing her.

          She had spent the evening talking openly to Kevin. They had talked about all manner of topics, from their favourite music to more intellectual topics such as literature and politics. She had impressed him with her knowledge on both these topics. Nothing had been mentioned about her previous attempt to kiss him and now she was in a mood for forgiving him for laughing at her.

         She lay on her bed and lit a cigarette, usually she would have gone to the window but at the moment she was too drunk and tired to move. She smoked it down to the butt, inhaling properly and using an empty coke can as an ashtray. When she was finished she closed her eyes, to be taken by sleep almost instantly.

        She awoke the next morning to the voices of her parents outside her bedroom door.

         “She came in at three o’clock last night!” her mum was saying.

        “Bloody hell!”

         “When I called her do you know what she did? She came storming down the stairs telling me she wasn’t drunk!”

         “Hmm.”

         “Well I could smell it off her a mile away. Then she goes into the garden to “Show you how I walked in” and she goes and breaks the bloody path!”

        “What! I only just laid that!”

         “I know.”

         “The girls out of control.”

       “What are we going to do with her?”

       “Well we’ve already grounded her.”

       “And she just sneaks out.”

       “We’ll have to start locking the doors.”

       “Hmm.”

       Marie groaned, rolled over and went back to sleep.

 

Chapters

10

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AudreyB wrote 360 days ago

Hi, Rachelsarah – this is your review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I’m keen to read your book if only because my father was born in Glasgow. I tend to enjoy anything set in Scotland.

Your pitches need some work. (All our pitches need work.) The short pitch must be an almost irresistible dare to the reader: Do not put this book down!! I’m sure there are some juicy details in your book that you can leverage here. The long pitch should give us a brief glimpse into the central problem of the novel, something that makes us feel compelled to read. I got lots of advice when I went to the forums and begged for help, because truly, this is not my area of expertise.

In the first few paragraphs, I felt the current first paragraph was a bit dull for the opener. On the other hand, “There’s your morning’s work,” has some zest and would make a fine entrance to this scene. Having finished the first chapter, I wonder which of the many details presented are vital to the story? I have a sense of having learned some insignificant things (that he wants her to wear a short skirt) but fewer things that will truly contribute to the plot. What can you cut out? What details can you add to entice me to read further??

The second chapter is much livelier and more compelling than the first, particularly the action between Clare and Kevin. You use the flashback/memory device quite often. I’d suggest less frequent use so that you show us the scenes as they happen. We readers want to be a part of the action, not an observer of a reverie. Along these same lines, you use lots of verbs of being. I take a lot of ribbing for my constant advice to use more active verbs, but in the case of this story, I think it would help keep the reader immersed in the action.

I like how you link the girls to Jacqueline through their common smoking habits and their fantasies. I can see a connection between the couple and the two girls growing. There’s a later connection as Jacqueline frets about her hair in much the same way Clare did.

It can be tricky to present scenes from different points of view. You want to be sure that each person’s story is fresh and of interest to the reader while also covering some of the same ground. Consider carefully which details are vital to the girl’s version of the scene with the ecstasy and also which are vital to Jacqueline’s. I think you are providing too many of the same details in each version right now.

You definitely don’t want to have both chapters 5 and 6 begin with a headache. You can create the linkage—that both suffered for their evening activities—while keeping the narrative fresh.

The scene when the parents confront Marie in her hospital room is hilarious. They squak and flap their wings but express not the slightest concern for her well-being. It also helps me see why she might be willing to do ever-more foolish things.

(Wow! A two-week suspension? The longest we do here in the States is 3 or 5 days.)

You had to know I’d say this: the scene in which Jacqueline fills in teaching RE does a great job of pointing out that all four of these characters—or perhaps the whole society--lack a belief system.

My overwhelming sense at the end of all that’s posted is that it was a bit too long. I think once you’ve done some cutting—pruning out only the most extraneous details—these early chapters will be a much more powerful indictment of the state of things in this story. However, at the end of what’s posted, I am definitely curious about what might happen next, especially with Jacqueline and Kyle.

Best wishes to you here on Authonomy!!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

judoman wrote 367 days ago

I love this Rachel, very much. I lioke your descriptive language and your ability to put te reader right into the room. I like to hit wih places and scene which are familar to me and as a young man spent many many an hour either working or drinking in Rose street.

You have a talent Rachel

well done

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE
LADIES NIGHT

Colin Neville wrote 373 days ago

You enter the edgy world of teenage life well, particularly the self-consciousness, anxiety about appearance and uncertainties about behaviour. The episode in the park between Marie & Kevin was well-observed and described. The dialogue sounds authentic. I've worked with teenagers; it feels real to me, and you capture the Scottish cadence without descending into caricature (or baffling a non-Scottish readership).

In the early chapters though, I did not feel the sense of Jacqueline & David's marriage 'hitting the rocks', as mentioned in the long pitch. On the contrary, it felt very companionable. He is unemployed and she digs him about that, but they seem quite amicable digs. You might want to consider making the early marital scenes a little edgier.

In ch. 2 there is a paragraph starting 'Kevin, Dean and Donna were all older...' There is quite a bit of telling in that paragraph, and maybe you could introduce a snatch of Donna's chat to give it an extra dimension.

I felt too, that you could have made more of the dance chapter, in terms of describing the venue (lghting, lay-out, decor etc) and dress of the teenagers. But I liked the subtle encounter between Kyle and Jacqueline; good writing.

Minor stuff: a fair number of your sentences don't have full stops, and stylistically for publication purposes the quotation marks close after the punctuation ." ," etc.

Overall though, I enjoyed reading this; it endeavours to capture the everyday world; not an easy thing to do.

Cara Gold wrote 380 days ago

{In the household} – Rachelsarah Glasgow

This is a keen depiction of life, detailed and realistic. Skill lies in the ability to take everyday events, everyday struggles, and turn them into an interesting and meaningful read.

I like the way we get to know the different characters, and it is through multiple perspectives that the story unfolds. I think this will make it appealing to a range of readers, as there is the potential for more readers to be able to relate to the different characters.

An overall suggestion for the plot/structure would be to avoid any retelling/backstory where events from the past are recounted in a character’s mind. As this is a very character based story, I think it is important to always have the action in the present, enabling readers to truly engage with the characters. For example, instead of David thinking about the conversation with his wife the previous evening, begin the story with that conversation, and use the dialogue to simply show more about them. I’d always be wary of beginning with a character waking up, as although you write this well and I enjoyed following David’s activity, agents/publishers may dismiss for lack of originality – I have seen this commented on other books on the site (re. character waking up). Also, given David wakes up again with a headache in chapter 5… you want to make sure that each chapter feels fresh and different. Then Marie wakes with a pounding headache in C6…

Same goes in chapter 2 with Clare thinking about her friends and the park they hang out in… we transit from her sitting on the bed in present, to her thoughts, and back to the bed. I would stick with simply showing the scenes, letting the reader experience the characters and their lives, and I think this would strengthen the ‘realism’ of the book. May also want to vary the beginning because chapter 2 and 4, Marie is sitting (so same remark as with C1 and C5)

Having said this, I do believe there is a lot of potential, and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading. I hope these suggestions will help; in summary….
1) I’d try and always depict action in the present and avoid reminiscing, unless it is a specific present action that provokes a character to think about the past… make specific links, in order to strengthen the way readers connect with characters
2) Vary chapter beginnings so there is no feel of repetition (chapter 7 is actually a good example of this!!)
3) Try and be original in what you depict, so you can’t be critiqued… even if it is a depiction of realism (e.g. with the waking up, etc)

I’ve made some detailed editorial notes for you on the first chapter, in thanks for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’ :) I hope these will be useful, and some of these comments will also be useful to you to keep in mind when writing/editing in future!

1) I’d put ‘It was eight o’clock’… on a new line, to bring more emphasis to the front door clicking shut and Jacqueline leaving
2) ‘His wife worked as a maths teacher…’ → quite a long sentence, perhaps split?
3) Put ‘He wondered how she could bear it’ on a new line/para → the subject here shifts from David’s description of his wife, to his wonderings… slightly different so physically show this
4) Another comma as follows; ‘This, he thought, was a feat…’
5) ‘across two possible jobs’ → job is in the previous sentence. Thus, perhaps replace with ‘options’ instead of ‘jobs’ to eliminate repetition. Is it implicit enough? Given we already know he is talking about jobs?
6) A little wordy the sentence ‘It had stated in the advert…’ → Perhaps ‘The advert had stated that to be a successful applicant for the town hall job, an interest in local history was essential.’
7) Commas/punctuation for all the dialogue; e.g. ‘God help you,” he said. “They must be a bunch of brats.”
8) Comma and I’d reword; ‘He poured himself a coffee (don’t need out), added milk and sugar, and carried it to his seat beside the forms.’
9) First person in ‘Having worked at length in the entertainment industry I feel I am an ideal candidate…’ → perhaps use italics if you want to keep, so that it is visually split from the rest and doesn’t feel out of place

Best wishes and I hope I have been helpful! Thanks so much again for your support, and have a terrific day!
Cara

bubz wrote 383 days ago

Absolute brilliance Rachel! Do you have more???

Kit Masters wrote 385 days ago

Hi Rachel,

Sorry it's taken me so long to comment.

I love your writing for its simple realness... if that's an actual thing.

I write about schools also, because well, you write about what you know.

I also feel that as you mention the Royal Oak, maybe we rubbed shoulders, or at least I did with your character.

I'm feeling very positive about this now, so I'll be back for more of this and for reading your more recent work.

Well done, kind regards

Kit

earthlover wrote 389 days ago

Read through chapter 3. As the reader, I want to know how Jacqueline and David get mixed up with Claire and Marie, which means you've done a good job of getting my interest. Highly starred and watchlisted! Well Done! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

patio wrote 390 days ago

I read two chapters of "IN THE HOUSEHOLD". Here's my feedback. You have painted a true picture of society in general, NOT JUST SCOTLAND. The ups and downs looking for jobs. The ups and downs of teaching roles. The ups and downs in kids lives.

Overall, your book is educational and entertaining.

I'll be back for more...............

rikasworld wrote 392 days ago

This is interestingly realistic. Not a vampire in sight! I've nothing against vampires in moderation but you can get too much of them. I'd say your plot works well and is shaping up to be a really good story. I do agree with the other comments though. There's a word missing in para. 1 (cool?) and lots of apostrophes etc. For example in ch. 3 The band's murdering Lady Ga Ga and singer's. I've had a lot of help with this sort of editing on here. and spent a lot of time editing. It's one of the most helpful things on the site I think.

Kathryn Page wrote 392 days ago

Hi

I've read the first two chapters and I like the style of this a lot. You capture the girls particularly well I think and the dialogue is realistic. Straightaway you get some impression of how these two storylines will come together which I think is a good thing. There are some minor grammatical and spelling issues but I think that they have all been pointed out in the other comments and I think that it is much more important at this stage that you have strong characters and a good sense of story which you do. I will read on as I am curious about how things will develop.

melissa_simonson wrote 393 days ago

Hi there,

I'm here for the swap!

Firstly, I really think you need to upload each chapter separately. Seeing all this text in epicly long chapter is going to be off-putting for some and overwhelming for others. You'll pull in more readers if you change it.

There are a lot of mechanical errors. Missing periods, comas and semi-colons, misplaced semi-colons, etc. I didn't note them all down, because there were quite a few, but you should re-read your text to locate them -- you'll get more readers if the mistakes are corrected. A lot of people registered on this site will disregard something immediately if the mechanics are poor. In dialogue, you need to put a comma when the speech ends, but before the quotation marks. For example, "We're not all maths teachers, either," she added, with equal derision.

There are a lot of run-on sentences that contain several different thoughts. They could do with being broken up into smaller sentences, or if not, at least adding a comma somewhere in them.

I was very confused in this sentence....".....trying to look teenagers..." maybe I missed something, but what is a "trying to look" teenager?

He considered teaching, briefly. You put a semi-colon where there should be a comma.

All brand names should be capitalized; Rice Krispies, Coke.

You have a verrrry long winded paragraph about how David is going to spend his day in the beginning. It could do with some paring down, as it really pulled me out of the narrative.

The sentence, "....and he, stuck at the helm..." was also confusing. You mean David was stuck at the helm of this ship, being tormented by 12 yr olds?

David gave a short laugh; there was a short silence. You should eliminate one of the 'shorts' because they appear too closely together.

You give running commentary about their every which movement, and it really isn't necessary. The reader doesn't need to know about their every minute movement.

I hate to have to mention this, but there is a lot of telling, not showing going on. I know we as writers hate hearing it, but it has to be said. You briefly described the kitchen, and it was pretty bland. Don't tell me the kitchen is small; show me how David bumps into things due to cramped space.

I did like that I was able to learn more about David through the job applicaton questionaire.

typo -- "then CAME the question he always dreaded..." you put case.

There is a very wobbly POV going on; I was confused at times over who's head I was in. It mostly felt like David but then jumped around a lot. For example, how would David know she burnt her tongue unless she told him? etc.

The thing you should focus on first`are the mechanics; they really need to be addressed, then the format, i.e, splitting the chapters up. You'll get a lot more readers that way.

Melissa

Terence Brumpton wrote 393 days ago

This is really realistic and the starts fit in with the problems young people face finding work. the only thing i would say to do ( only because people later on will complain so it saves you having to hear it ) is to up load each chapter at a time, instead of as one file. Apart from that its really good, nothing to fault it by
Terence

Casimir Greenfield wrote 393 days ago

Rachel. I speed read. I have to.

Great opening. You have a compelling, off-hand style that appeals to me. What do I mean? Well, it's realistic. Nothing fanciful. You are telling a story. The characters develop through the showing rather than ponderous explanations. Good taut, lean writing. I like it.

I've watchlisted your book, will back when I clear some space.

That's me hooked.

Cas

Rachelsarah wrote 394 days ago

This is the first draft of the first five chapters of my book, i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it!

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