White Matter

Maurice, this is one of the most gripping books I've read on here. Your writing is crisp, self-assured and highly professional. It's very polished; I'm on chapter nine so far and haven't noticed a single typo/error.

There's nothing I can suggest to improve and I'm backing this with pleasure. If I do notice that I think I could be of help with when reading more, I'll comment again. Highly starred and I wish you all the best with this cracking book; well done!

A great read so far. Your descriptions shine out above the crowd.The conversational story voice is quite appealing too. I like the subtle way you make this future world feel like the norm, and the intrigue and clever humor you build into almost every chapter. I must admit to being confused here and there in your story (where are we now? Not Japan but where...Why aren't your guys very concerned about Miranda before or after the rescue- who is she to them?...etc) I feel as if I have to concentrate closely in some places to understand but its definitely worth the extra focus.

SF42 review
Hehehe lolli-goths -- I pictured them clearly and was immediately sucked into the scene -- yes, we're in Japan!

Oh, come oooon! I read the whole thing and now I'm left hanging, Maurice. I want all the pieces of the puzzle. Upload more!

I love the story, and was snapped right into it, couldn't drop it until it ended abruptly in Ch#13 (I feel deprived! :D). Your narrative is right up my alley, familiar topics (I'm a quantum physics geek), and witty dialogues. There were some premises, for instance non-zero sum games, that blew me away. Actually, so many things resonated well with my prior knowledge, interests, and point of view, so I flowed through the story with ease, and everything made sense. It might not be like that for those who are encountering this kind of info for the first time -- but I cannot put myself in their shoes.
Dialogues you created instantly make you feel like you already know the characters, so there is no need to dwell on their development in between. Perfect!
I don't know if this was done intentionally, but I found it very amusing that the main character is a mind reader of a sort -- a combo of intelligence, intuition, and reading people's faces -- while on the other hand you have mind reading technology. I am a fan of interconnectedness.

I was intrigued by who the reporter is -- cold, emotionless, logical -- could be a machine, but not necessarily. Also, I particularly enjoyed jumps in time and place. It really adds something special.

One thing though, brackets -- they kill the prose. I think you would get so much more if you would turn what's in the brackets into sentences. Everything is so well played, and then -- the brackets. I get the feeling of being ripped out of the novel and finding myself on some forum anticipating a smiley :)

Ch11 -- these two sentences confused me:
"No one noticed had wasn't here until today." had=he?
"Seems there are a few people know who you are." that know?

Open questions:
Why did he quit art? What happened? How did he mess up? Will it play a significant role?

A gentle reminder: UPLOAD MORE! :))) (or provide a download link -- I don't care, I have to read it)

Top stars from me and a place on a shelf as soon as possible.

Barbara

Witty, clever, engagingly written. 5 stars at least.

Maurice - the return read and again apologies for the delay. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

I had mixed comments about the supervisory log, finding it too short to mean antything and left me with questions - is this from some computer code to english or another language - then when I saw Japan in the Chapter's main body it made me pause and go back to see if I had missed something I needed to know.

Now into Chapter 1 - I'm not a great lover of sci-fi and the future and for me those that work tend to ease me in with the technology while maintaining some form of recognition to a human way of life. I know Tokyo and you do that well keeping aspects of the pedestrian, and I loved the noodle delivery scooter - some things cant be beaten. The gentle touches of the video camera and DNA gun also work well. Then there's the fast pace that comes with a chase and it's a good start.

Then you go back to some form of log, that again leaves me with too many questions. Is this the same log or another and 'who' did that - machine or supervisor?

Chapter 2 - and an intriguing start if only because I know Ueno, But joking aside it is well written, Im seeing nothing of typos and can focus on the story.

You've started out by setting the scene with this request. I didnt like the details on the back of the note - I appreciate you may be trying to give this and the speech an 'accent', but it didnt feel right. I know you said it may be a google translation, but in reality Japanese are so efficient a fluent English speaker would likely have checked this - if its important to the story later then leave it. But thats a very minor point as the story is running at a good pace.

The storyline is good, with sufficient information to keep us hooked and wanting to know more. You've thrown in the cultural links with Ninja's and the Yakuza that most would understand and then he goes into cartharsis. It would have been easy for you to over write that for a reader such as myself but that also works and we then head into the rescue of Miranda. I read this twice and both times felt its overwritten with a level of detail that cuases the read to lose its previously excellent pace.

But the Chapter ending is an old classic that still works as well as it did the first time.

Chapter 3 - and another drop back further in time. With the meeting to Kohei and then the entry into The Cluster you write extremely well. The descriptive side to your writing is excellent but I'm having a vague sense its impeding on pace. I'm not sure what details are important, and what are not so need to read and absorb it all.

Now to the meeting with Mr Coriolis. I'm guessing this is important so taking this slowly as I read. Overall I understand it, although have doubts I agree trust is the key, but am still with the story. Now though I'm also sure this needs editing down. You write extremly well and I'm enjoying the story. I want to let it run more quickly - read the two paragraphs starting through all this - could we do that with less?

Throughout your dialogue works well and the pace when you let the story run is excellent so onto Chapter 4.

I read the whole Chapter and have the same feeling. Overall the writing works and the dialogue is excellent. You're dropping in bice touches of Japan without overdoing that but I do feel the descriptive side is generally being overdone. Take that opening - I arrived early for my first day through to - to be recorded for posterity. It reads well enough as does all this Chapter but after the speed of Chapter 1 and part of Chapter 2 this is now slow and I'm not sure the reader needs to know all that.

Maurice this is a good read, well written with some good dialogue. In my view the more detailed descriptive side to this has run to the detriment of the story overall and especially the pace. That first Chapter especially was good. I will add that sci-fi isnt my usual genre so dont change anything unless others agree. At the same time however you got me to read sci-fi and stay with it and that says a lot about the overall quality of this read. Best. Steve.

This is a fast-paced, gripping thriller written with a deft grasp of narrative, driving the story forwards while skipping backwards and forwards in time, keeping the reader constantly on their toes. The writing style is perfectly suited to the subject matter, with just the right amount of technical vocabulary and a scattering of Japanese words and phrases to supply an extra frisson of disorientation. In some ways it's reminiscent of William Gibson's Neuromancer - a similar mix of film noir realism and futuristic technological wizardry. That is proving a very successful mix here.

I've cheered myself up by spotting one typo - the only one in 7 chapters.
Chapter 3: "a discretely printed tenant list." Discrete = separate packages. E.g. morse code is a sequence of discrete pulses. You want discreet = careful and circumspect. One of my favourite word confusions - a spell checker will never pick it up.

Maurice, I'm going to back you as soon as I have space on my shelf, and I will definitely keep reading.
Best wishes, Yvonne.

White Matter has a strong and distinctive narrative voice, sparse and matter-of-fact, as befits this superior type of thriller. I have read the prologue and first four chapters. Although I admit I was just a little put off by the non-linear structure, I quickly realised how this has been done to raise a lot of intriguing questions that draw the reader in. Also, I rather enjoy the little hints of partly familiar and partly unfamiliar technologies that locate the novel in a future that probably isn't too far away.

I have one minor negative comment. The build up to the scene where Graeme and Kurt rescue Miranda was fine, but I felt it was slightly let down by the fact when they actually rescue her she doesn't seem to have any presence. I don't believe she even speaks, at least not direct speech. (I had assumed that she has been gagged by her kidnappers, though I don't even remember any mention of a gag. Presumably that would have been removed at the same time that Kurt removed her chains.) We don't need to be told who she is or any back story (that's revealed any way in the next chapter) but I would like some indication of her personality. I would have prefered less about Kurt's struggle to cut the chains and more about Miranda's reaction at being rescued. Does she get overly emotional? (She might, even if she's normally a tough cookie, and then get embarrassed about it and overcompensate.) Or is she sarky with them? Saying something like: "About time you turned up." In the present draft of this scene, I am sorry to say that she doesn't really have any more personality than her luggage. I believe she should have some sort of presence, otherwise her rescue might appear to be something of an anticlimax.

That's my only negative comment. Otherwise "White Matter" is building up to be an excellent techno-thriller. I wish you every success with it.

John

Great writing Maurice - after the first couple of chapters that I've read, I couldn't find any flaws.
The first two chapters have excellent hooks to keep the reader going - even though the bulk of the chapters are intriguing too.
Definitely backing and reading through to the end.

Cheers,
Mitch

Read the first five entries. Liked it. Most the time starting in the middle of the action is a good thing and the first couple of chapters achieves that. It also displays the authors ability to write action scenes that involves the reader and introduces the drama. Also good description of the landscape, I get a good sense of how one sees Japan from the ground up Establishing the action, drama, and mystery I think it is important here because after the initial action the author introduces some of the themes and they are heady ones, science, ethics, evolutionary change, both culturally and individually, political and economic reality, and the relationship of these issues. I think many read fiction because they do not at the time want a dry factual outlineable approach to issues. Some action and wit, inventiveness (like a drug catharsis), gets one thinking with less resistance. Good stuff.

Maurice,
I have just started reading this properly, after my first flick through, and am really enjoying it.
After reading three chapters I am totally hooked.
A great story idea and excellent writing.
I love the way you seamlessly insert all those little observations about modern society and about people.
I think this will stay on my bookshelf for some time, and it definitely deserves a higher ranking.

Maurice
I have only just discovered White Matter and taken a look.
My first impression form chapter 1 is good, I like your writing style very much. Also the main character has an appealingly smart and humorous voice.
Flicking through the rest, I found the 4 timeline structure a bit confusing. I think with this structure you need to be careful to add enough description of place and people that we very quickly pick up on where and when we are and which previous chapter we are following on from.
Also, if I hadn't read the pitch I would have been really uncertain about what the book was all about - if you could make the overall theme clearer in the first 2 or 3 chapters that would help to keep us on track.
I am keeping this on my watchlist as it looks as though it repays a longer and more concentrated read.

I would suggest reading your work allowed to study the flow of the writing, the major thing that struck me was the amount of musing for a fast paced situation. I think it detracted from the urgency of his situation. His wording is sometimes very clear, using large words, but then he slips into slang phrases. I suggest spending some time on his ‘voice’ is he well educated? Or from the slums? Study how people around you talk, you’ll notice that from city to city, or city to suburb the phrasing and inflection will change.
Love the (computer?) blips that bracket it. Personally I think the whole thing would be better from its perspective ;)

A great tool is prowritingaid.com, it can help smooth over writing like sticky sentences and over used words, it also points out cliché phrases (and much much more)

Autho isn’t letting me read chapter two right now but I will definitely be back to read more! A really great hook in your first chapter!

I would suggest reading your work allowed to study the flow of the writing, the major thing that struck me was the amount of musing for a fast paced situation. I think it detracted from the urgency of his situation. His wording is sometimes very clear, using large words, but then he slips into slang phrases. I suggest spending some time on his ‘voice’ is he well educated? Or from the slums? Study how people around you talk, you’ll notice that from city to city, or city to suburb the phrasing and inflection will change.
Love the (computer?) blips that bracket it. Personally I think the whole thing would be better from its perspective ;)

A great tool is prowritingaid.com, it can help smooth over writing like sticky sentences and over used words, it also points out cliché phrases (and much much more)

Autho isn’t letting me read chapter two right now but I will definitely be back to read more! A really great hook in your first chapter!

Maurice,

Overview: White Matter

I like the story, and I like the characters who play parts therein. Although the presentation is a little hard to follow at first (in terms of the disparate presentation in time), by the end it feels natural and overall is effective. You are able to effectively present some interesting ideas/concepts through the story without being overly pedantic, staying true to the characters and situations. I like the premise and the ideas and your prose generally. Could this be a real book? Definitely.

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A few concerns:

The primary thing that stands out, in terms of your style, is the extremely concise nature of your chapters/scenes, and of course of the story as a whole. This is not really a bad thing, in fact it is not bad in itself at all, yet 53k words translates into just 130 pages (thereabouts), which might be a little to short for a novel of this type.

Ima try to elaborate.

This is character driven sci fi, for the most part, not that the plot isn’t central but in that the plot is developed through the relationships of the characters and not through action. I felt that just when I was really getting to know your characters the story was over, Kurt and Graeme obviously being those whom I am mainly thinking of, although there are others as well. It is really not until very near the end that Graeme becomes a “real” person to me, and Kurt, although authentic and real throughout, lacks a certain amount of depth that we don’t get until the longer ‘Artist chapter (who he was as an artist and why he is the way he is) and which is maybe left a little underdeveloped from that point on in the main body of the story.

Another concern, also springing from conciseness, is that the action you do have is a little undeveloped. While the final action scene (which links back to the opening scene) was very well done and IMO as it should be, the reader doesn’t get this until the final few pages, the penultimate chapter, and the significance of the opening scene, which does work in establishing the form of the story, lacks significance until after the escape chapter at the end. Also, I really think that the recue in Chapter 2 needs some work. It felt a little flat, especially considering that I then didn’t really know these guys. The reader doesn’t, can’t, care about these people yet at that point, and the action needs to more or less stand by itself. It needs to be more visceral, and Kurt’s reactions and thoughts need to let us better understand him. This seems like an easy fix, as it is mechanical and not thematic, and would simply require you to make discrete changes to just this part.

Also, the brevity of Part II stuck with me as needing work. I think expanding Graeme’s story here would not only allow the reader to better know him, before we are simply told his deal near the end, but would also allow you to better define the entire situation in Japan. Shigeru and Junko are nearly devoid of definition, and their roles only become relevant to the reader in the resolution, which IMO is a failing. Resolution should be the tying up of things, not the introduction of new plot points. While I get that you wanted to leave this undefined for the purposes of mystery, mystery itself only works when the reader knows beforehand that something mysterious is going on. Although I did get the strong impression that there were mysterious happenings, the whole Japan situation, in terms of Other-Kurt and these two Japanese characters, is just too “not there”, until it is there on the second-to-last page. I was completely unable to give any significance to the thoughts of Other-Kurt we get at the very beginning and throughout, in the form of the intro computo-speak paragraphs, until the very end when we actually meet Other-Kurt. IMO the reader needs to be able to develop on some level a conception of just exactly what these Other-Kurt parts are at some time during the story; otherwise the effect is lost. Given that these parts are the only hints we get about what is “really” happening (on this level), I felt no developing intrigue, and so the final resolution felt a little brief and flat… I didn’t feel that my questions were being answered but instead that I was getting answers to questions I’d never had. I think if you were to expand the Graeme part (Part II) you could not only set up for the ending better, but we could come to better know him and these other characters, also Kohei, before we are simply told at the end of the story, also that you could more effectively establish Other-Kurt on a passive level. Like, we don’t need to know about Other-Kurt at that point, definitely not, but filling in the infiltration of Tokyo’s systems and the characters of Shigeru and Junko and Kohei and what they’re all about could definitely improve the overall flow and feeling of the story, as would further definition of Graeme. Out of all the characters, it is Graeme who presents the most interesting commentary on the world (actual world) and on the story itself. Now, Kurt does make a lot of good points about things (story and actual world), but as he is (like you say) a “blank slate”, his observations lack a certain humor and character that Graeme embodies. Filling out Part II more would allow you to hint at what is happening without really telling the reader, foreshadow a few things (subtly of course), and develop characters that at present are really not real people to me. Again, this is a more involved but nonetheless simple and easy fix—You wouldn’t have to change anything about the rest of the story. Yet developing/filling in this part would not only give the story better pace but would also make the reader more engaged during the parts that follow. Also, there is there an opportunity to develop the intrigue overall and to perhaps add some sort of mini climax/action… something to further develop the Yakuza situation as well as the general happenings in Japan (we kinda know why Graeme wants the press release, that he wants it to be a way for the tech to be publically demonstrated as lacking, yet we don’t have a feeling for why he wants this at this point in the story… other than that he just got back from Japan, which does suggest a Yakuza connection yet leaves the specifics completely undefined) of which Kurt is unaware yet which would allow the reader to better anticipate and be intrigued in his situation and by this aspect of the story. TBH I wouldn’t be put off by even 10K more words from the Graeme perspective in Japan.

In terms of the concepts: You introduce a lot of cool and interesting ideas without developing a lot of them. This is not bad in itself, yet some that stick out to me in terms of “I wish that he’d gone into that a little more” are the concepts of time, of possible/actual worlds and scenarios, of what it means to “Be”, and of art itself, perhaps the relationship of art and science, of observer and observed, of creator and creation.

One more concern: I get that chapter 7 is Other-Kurt’s gaining awareness. If there were other chapters dealing with Other-Kurt perspective I missed the fact entirely when reading. That this scene was titled with “Running Free” indicates that Chapter 11 was as well about Other-Kurt, yet it wasn’t until I finished that I looked back to see which other chapters had this title and therefore which dealt with Other-Kurt. When I read Ch11 I’d thought it was Kurt after the scene in Chapter 1, after he’s been knocked out. And so the device was lost on me, and I really had no way to build an awareness of Other-Kurt’s existence. I do get that his existence is supposed to be somewhat of a surprise, yet it should rightfully be one that I should have been able to see but didn’t for some reason, not just one that there was no way for me to know at all. The hints of his existence are the computo-speak intros, and chapters 7 and 11, and maybe a few hints in Kurt and Graeme’s interactions, but it is all really really hard to pick up, even semi-consciously, and I was definitely paying close attention, likely more so that the average prospective reader (although maybe the autho format made it more difficult than it otherwise would have been. As you said in a comment about my prologue though: this is also a problem with e-readers.) IMO this is the most difficult thing you have to tackle: how to accomplish setting up Other-Kurt, without spoiling the story while still effectively establishing the concept in the reader’s mind. This seems like it is/will be very difficult.

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Overall I think the story is very promising but, as you say in your profile statement, is still "a work-in-progress.” The parts you have are for the most part effective and well done (aside from the rescue in Ch2, which really does lack); as a reader I just want more, and I think that the effectiveness of the ending suffers from earlier lack of development and that you are missing out on building suspense and intrigue in the reader by not letting us develop a building awareness of what is happening. From what is there now I had really thought that Kurt himself was the construct, as there was no story development that allowed me to suspect anything else may have been going on; the short Other-Kurt intro paragraphs and Ch7 and the ambiguous Ch11 are not enough. Although this works on a “gotcha”/surprise level, the surprise is only effective once it is sprung, and at that point we are done with the story, giving the end a cursory and overly brief feeling.

Again: I do like the story and feel that this could be a great book; IMO we just need more in places to really make it work. It nonetheless will stay on my shelf in perpetuity, as I feel that when complete it will be a wonderful novel.

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A note on the conversation Graeme and Kurt have before being brought to the Yakuza boss:

The feeling in the scene was really well done, and I could almost feel Graeme’s pressing “rewind”, “pause” etc during his discussion of being able to do so. That in fact this wasn’t actually happening at all is moot, as at the time it seemed very real to me. I really thought Kurt was going through exactly what Graeme was describing, right then, and the effect was brilliant and effective, even a little creepy (in a good way). TBH when it turned out this was not what was happening I was a little disappointed, as after the metaphysical implications and feeling of that scene the rest of the story seemed too “normal”. If perhaps Graeme had actually gone through this series of events with Other-Kurt at some point, and was here just testing real Kurt to see if his reactions were similar, then this allows the feeling to regain validity relative to the rest of the story, but there just wasn’t enough development of these concepts for me to see this, if indeed this is the case.

Maurice,

Finished just a few moments ago.

I do plan on penning a full review for you, and likely a more theatrical one without spoilers for a possible cherry-pick. But I do have a few things to say while they are still fresh.

I had totally thought Kurt, the Kurt with Graeme in the room at least, likely the one we knew the entire story, less the ‘Artist scenes, was Graeme’s construct. I guess, by your use of the “what is that sound” in the midst of Graeme’s discussion of Kay and Gee, and by his seeming to be referring to the exact situation then even as he presented the hypothetical scenario, that having me make this mistake was intentional on your part, and so I suppose you got me. lol. TBH I don’t know how I feel about it. I have to think on it, and I will.

One note, I suppose, is that the “wrap up” scene in the last chapter felt a little too concisely wrapped up, like it all happened very quickly.

Do you plan to make sequels, if the book does well? I could totally see a number of ways to expand the story, on a few different levels and from several angles.

Jeff

-----yada yada below-----


Ch23

““‘Putting on a show’ will be the operative word.””
--IMO this could be phrased better

--so this is the first time we meet Coriolis after being given Graeme’s explanation of the guy, and I have to admit he seems different with the new perspective; this part also made me think more back to his behavior earlier, esp the public statement during the bomb threat which I hadn’t thought about when Graeme was talking about him back in Japan.

--again Karen with a suggestion that she knows more about what’s going on than we.

“I stared at her for the length of a breath as her meaning dawned on me, as much through her body language as her words.”
--I think this might work better if you actually provide the body language instead of saying that it helped you understand.
“…it rippled out through every part of my self, like a disinfecting light, anesthetizing and enlightening…”
--would be stronger if you lose the “like” and make it a straight metaphor

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Ch24

“Without a sufficiently crisp image of the circuits of a brain, trying to decode what it is thinking is”
--this phrasing seems clumsy, suggesting that the brain thinks, which imo is an inaccurate characterization. A point I think emphasized by what you have in the next chapter ““People think that minds are attached to bodies, but it’s just not true. Even people who would accept the idea of an electronic brain think of that mind as somehow being tied to the computer it is running on. It’s a misunderstanding they are going to need to overcome, in the not too distant future.””

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--I think we (the readers) all know what they were thinking

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Ch25

“If there had ever had been a signal.”
--double had

““Do you think an electronic mind would be consciously aware? If we were to take that snapshot we made of your brain, say, somehow animate it into dynamic existence. Would we have made a new you, do you think?” The diversion of the noise had erased my memory of whatever it was Graeme had been saying before. This felt like a new topic, though.
“I suppose we could ask it.”
“And if it said ‘yes’?”
“Then we’d be hard pressed to disagree.””
--Again I am creeped out on Kurt’s behalf

““There are two characters in this story. One is a scientist. He’s made a great breakthrough: built the world’s first electronic brain. The other character, of course, is the electronic brain himself. In this story the brain happens to be male. Let’s call him Kay. Do you think you can imagine such a situation?”
“Kay? Yes, I think I can manage that.””
--Oh no... I’m not sure if this will be a good or bad thing for him. Maybe I’m running away with shit, but it seems overtly obvious at this point. ““Easy for Gee to say.”” Lol “He has felt no sense of discontinuity.”
“Did you hear that?” I had interrupted Graeme in mid-flow.
We sat immobile for several seconds. If there had been a noise, it didn’t repeat itself.
“What did it sound like this time?” Graeme asked.”
---Yep. As a note at this point I actually felt MY reality skip slightly… and looked around and was generally creeped out.
“To him nothing unusual has happened”
--missing period

““No. It arises out of the logical relationships that the computer program reproduces. No matter how many times you run the program, whether you run it on the computer or do the sums manually on an abacus, those relationships stay the same. So Kay experiences those minutes only once.”
--Love it

--As a note I agree with what you are saying here on many levels. The mathematical thing, for instance, is an expression of a priori synthetic statements. Statements that are constructed and experienced but were nonetheless true before they existed.

““Is there a reason why you are telling me all this?” I asked.”
--srry this always bugs me, “reason that”

“He swung it toward the ceiling and it made a flat phut sound like a compressed air line being uncoupled.”
--run on

“Stepping out of the elevator car, I supressing an urge to run, satisfying my anxiety by casting jerky glances to either side.”
--I would think the problem here is evident

“He looked young and fit, but also considerably smaller than me.”
--than I

--this action sequence is much more visceral than the one in the beginning. The feeling is quite real.

“His was full of anger and determination and I braced myself for his next countermove”
--run on

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Ch26

“His gaze has dropped to the floor and I can’t quite make out his expression.”
--run on
““What do you think? It’s another good REASON WHY all of this needs to be kept absolutely secret.””

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So, I was actually kinda wrong about a few things, up until the last chapter. I left my reactions above as they had come to me, unedited.

Maurice,

read Ch 17-22

Chapter 21 stood out for me among these. It was well developed and natural feeling, with very tight prose. I think a part of this is that it was a longer chapter than usual for you, which allowed you to get into a consistent flow, or maybe it was the unitary nature of the scene coupled with the fact that you’d built intrigue about this particular past event for such a long time.

Also, the widening of the breadth of the significance of Spurious D’s work, and the partial filling out of Graeme’s role/purpose, help push the story forward and keep it vital. We see the story start to come back together with the introduction of the Yakuza… although the govt intervention thing at the airport kinda came out of left field for me, as this hasn’t yet been addressed, unless I just missed it somewhere…

The shortness of Part II was a little off-putting, and maybe the story could use some filling out there, like, maybe the story of what Graeme was doing before he meets Kurt could be filled in, a chapter or two. This would also allow you to maybe better develop the Shigeru character. I dunno if you have this back-story filled out in your head, or if maybe it’s addressed later—and if it is just ignore this—but maybe you could exploit it to develop the dynamic in Japan on some level. I kinda feel that there is (or rather should be) a sort of intrigue there that Graeme doesn’t mention to Kurt, some sort of interaction with the Yakuza or the resistance or both or a Yakuza-infiltrating-resistance figure or vice versa, anti or pro… I dunno. But Part II was really short, and it seems that you’re missing out on an opportunity to develop Graeme, perhaps provide a little more insight into his plans, however sketchy, and into the Japan or even global situation, while at the same time allowing the reader to get a little distance from Kurt before he comes back into play. This of course may just be a subconscious expression of my desire for more story here. I think there’s something to it though, and it could be added without your having to change your other chapters at all.

But overall good. You have successfully continued what you started and have added new layers without fucking it up, quite the contrary in terms of ch21. The other chapters are consistent with the earlier work. I still feel that I want more definition for/of the two women (Miranda and Karen).

Going great, and the next time I pick it up will see me finishing,

Jeff


Detailed reactions and grammatical stuff below

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Ch17

“A familiar part of town; a place I knew from previous visits. A living fossil of the retail era where one could still browse paper books in its cluster of second hand bookshops.”
--three fragments… not that they necessarily don’t work here. I don’t have a feel for Graeme’s narrative speech yet (obviously), so it’s hard to tell. If indeed he simply “thinks” in different, less grammatically correct English than does Kurt, I have no problem with it, and I can see how this could be a good way to make the narrative of P1 distinct from that of P2.

“Standing outside Ochanomizu Station, an erratic wind was sending a few discarded paper handbills and food wrappers in a random walk around a small brick-paved plaza.”
--This participle error seems less acceptable to me. He can think in fragments from time to time; I can totally see that. But having “an erratic wind” “standing outside” of anything just feels weak.

“This was where Shigeru must have exited, so my arrow told me.”
--srry. I don’t wanna nipick (just want your language to be as tight as possible), but I think this would read much better with a semicolon or period instead of the comma after “exited”… with the comma “so” becomes a conjunction implying entailment, and the sentence is nonsensical.

“he can’t have gotten far”
--couldn’t… and for some reason here you use “gotten”, but don’t in the next paragraph, “my internal compass must have got turned…”

“That the hardest of facts could support radically different explanations, given sufficient flexibility in the mind of the explainer.”
--k. Ima assume from here on out that Graeme’s use of fragments is intentional, as it happens here^ and again with “How I got confused the first time I was here, on a study trip to Japan, many years ago.” It’s still throwing me off, but of course I just started the new perspective.

--woah weird. My cousin is currently working on his startup, SPLAT, which uses little infrared guns and smartphones to basically do what you describe here. …And of course my name is Jeff. And I live in Seattle …quite synchronistic in a disjointed kinda way--

“They are an artefact of the big city”
--artifact

-----------

Ch18

So the revelations abound.

-----------

Ch19

NO. Not Kurt again. Lol. That dude is fucking clueless and doesn’t tell me anything. Ha

I do gotta say though: after how long Part I was, I’d expected much more from Part II, and it’s brevity was jarring.

--again, some interesting clues about Graeme’s plans… now I kinda half think that the weird place in which Kurt awoke earlier is some sort of virtual reality or something. Not really, but the suggestion is there.

And my vague uneasiness about Kurt’s being used for something… not quite cool… seem to be being partly confirmed, something beyond what Graeme revealed in Part II…

--------------

Ch20

“So you represent a whole separate faction One I have never heard of?””
--there is some sort of punctuation missing here, I think.

“I had ordered a long black and we had found ourselves…”
--run on

---------------

Ch21

woah. A much longer Artist as a Young Man section

“Rising, I walked to the window, standing there awhile”
--a while

“As it was, certain expressions of my disdain did made it into the public domain”
--did make

“As I paused for a nature break to blow my nose, his eyes flicked sideways again like a cornered animal.”
--natural?

--I can appreciate how you communicate information and complex ideas through the medium of the story, and TBH you are better at this than I, more natural.

-This chapter so far has simply flown by, not in that it was particularly quick reading, but in that it just has a very natural flow to it. The prose is just running, and is working flawlessly. Perhaps it’s the length of the section relative to the comparative brevity of the earlier sections…

I think this story really works here. I now feel that I know Kurt much better than I previously have, and when thinking back I don’t think this knowledge would have been better earlier on. Yet again, now with only five chapters remaining, I have the overriding wish that this story was longer. Perhaps in the end it will be just right, but having spent this evening with Kurt TBH I just want to know these characters more, and beyond this I would like to know more about your views on the world through this story.

At any rate, this long-awaited Artist as a Young Man section did not disappoint, and stands out to me as one of the stronger scenes in the book thus far.

I imagine this feeling will transfer to the remainder of the story.

-------------------

Ch22

“She said not and offered me a welcome.”
--“not”?

““If you are in such a hurry to find out what Graeme is doing, why don’t you just call him and ask?” said Karen.
“I’m not in any hurry. I only just left him yesterday remember. He’ll be back when he’s ready.”
“It wasn’t you I was talking to,” Karen murmured, but she didn’t pursue the point.”
--interesting… Karen here implies that Miranda can contact Graeme. Does she know this? Is she guessing? Implying? Pointing out to Miranda that she knows more than Miranda thinks she does? Does Miranda know more than we’ve been led to believe?

Maurice,

Read Ch9-16.

So the story is definitely picking up pace, or was. I imagine Part II settles back a little, which IMO is a proper way to build suspense in your reader. Your narrative voice seems familiar and normal to me at this point, which helped me read these chapters fairly quickly, even with the time spent taking notes.

Hmmm… There are a lot of half/barely-developed ideas here that I can’t quite pin down in terms of how they will be developed, especially given that there are only 10 Chapters left. To be honest, I’m already anticipating wanting more, and 53k word seems like not enough time to flesh out what you already have introduced (but then again, maybe part of the aesthetic and point is to leave things a little like that… I suppose I’ll see) which I suppose is a good thing (that already I feel that I want more). I really hope though that you do develop some of the more abstract concepts through the natural progression of the story, and I’m quite curious to see things through another’s eyes. TBH I got so used to thinking of Kurt as “you” (i.e. “I”) that it’s gonna be quite a move to think of him as “him”. I haven’t worked with 1st person a lot, but I can see how it has a certain literary/rhetorical/thematic/conceptual function, and I am interested to see whether you fully exploit it, or rather how you do so, in the move to a different “I”.

The thing with Kohei: I’m not sure if it was intentional, even though I have to assume it was, but that whole part seemed a little forced on his end, even though Kurt seems to think it’s just “the same old Kohei”… kinda like how I feel about some of Jonathan’s interactions/actions/etc in Awakening. He just seems slightly not quite genuine (not in terms of his being a poorly developed character but in terms of “He’s shady”). If this is on purpose I dig it, if not you either need to fix it or exploit it.

At any rate: I dig it so far, and am becoming progressively more interested. The back-and-forth time thing is at this point comfortable. One thing that stands out to me still though is the rescue in the second chapter. So far this has been the only “actiony” action, and I still think it needs to be more visceral, especially in terms of “hooking the reader” early on. Not more action, just “realer” action. Maybe we will get this from Graeme’s perspective, I dunno, but nonetheless I think my point about the Ch2 rescue stands.

So far so good, and looking forward to starting Part II.

Details and grammatical things below,

Jeff

---------------------------------------------

When refreshing myself on where I’d left off, this line popped out at me
Ch8
--“The story wasn’t a true one.”
and seemed a little awkward. Why not just say “The story wasn’t true”?

--------------------------------------------

Ch9

“He had explained to me how the place ran on liquid helium, which they liquefied in here.”
--the repetition seems a little awkward. Maybe “which they condensed” or something?

“Reverse engineering one of those is no trivial task…. Before we can make any progress, we need to see inside it.”
--an interesting thickening of the plot, and if indeed this is gonna be a part of the story, some sort of AI, I definitely didn’t see it coming.
“these had their sides open revealing a mass”
--masses
“He must have wandered off at some point as I soon found myself alone with Miranda.”
--comma after point

--------------------------------------

Ch10

Ah. So the “Artist as a Young Man” is a recurring section.

Titillating undertones to the dialogue here. The last comment, “Oh good,” struck me as being a little odd though, like I didn’t know if he were being sarcastic (to himself) or not…

I assume that eventually the point of these extremely brief flashbacks will become evident.

-------------------------

Ch11
Am getting a better feel for the strange, pre-text computo-speak, although I still have no idea what the deal is.

“He holds out a hand and I shake it.”
--run on

Oh man. lol. This story is getting a little twisty.

----------------------------

Ch12

I’m getting a creepy feeling that “You” are being toyed with and possible used in some not-quite-cool way…. (started feeling this when Graeme is talking about stories). I feel more engaged at this point than I have at any point thus far.

““You realise this is what our brain scanner is designed to do. To look inside us, all the way down. How do you think people will react once they realize.””
--first realize is misspelled; also the repetition here is a little weak

Using respectively twice in two paragraphs (during the bento meal) is a little much

“taking care to keep a least a body length distant at all times”
--at

Ends on an interesting note, with a suggestion of added layers to Graeme… or not. Hard to say.

----------------------

Ch13

Interesting break from the “regular” narrative.

-------------------------

Ch14

“whether I was supposed to be spying on someone, and if so who”
--whom

So I’m a “genial technician,” eh? A faceless, disembodied voice who steals your soul?
--Watch out for Maurice, the likable yet slow-witted policeman and would be hero, newly imagined into Epoch Book II. ;P

I would have given you a fifth of cognac, the better face of grapes.

--“Your” emerging interest in Miranda needs to be developed more, I think. You keep dropping hints, yet even when I first noticed it, I think back in the lunch room, it seemed a little out of place. Perhaps a little more about how he felt when he first met her… all I recall is that she was a kinda stiff office manager, and perhaps a touch of flirtation now that I think about it, but nothing that had the idea developing in my mind. The “naughty boy” thing here… I dunno if it works for me. I imagine “you” to be a little smoother and less corny than that. I get that you want to juxtapose “your” flirtation with her businessness, but….

“This softened my initial reaction and I decided against remonstrating at the preposterousness of what he was implying.”
--run on

“I told him about Graeme going missing.”
--Graeme’s

…So this developing revelation that the hipster-protest people are more than just hipster protest people but actually part some sort of an organized “resistance,” concretized by the old man in the deli, is an interesting development… Also Kohei, whom I’d kinda put out of my mind since we’d seen him at that first hipster party, seems to be more than he presents…

“…from a few seasons’ before last,..”
--this possessive seems misplaced


“…wishing him or her enjoyment while it lasted, whoever they may be. Hoping they didn’t mess things up…”
--pronoun shift

“For a pursuit that is said to spring from man’s desire for immortality, the visual arts can be a surprisingly ephemeral business.”
--this made me think about the line “every moment can be seen as eternal” (paraphrase) and also the bit about stories and how people see what they want to see. If this concept could be or is developed I think it would really add something to the depth of your subtext. There is something to this quote (For a pursuit…business)… hard to pin down, but there is something there.

“I found him reclining in his chair, his hands in his lap and smiling his usual impish smile.”
--needs a comma after “lap” or the parallel is fucked

“I took out the salami and placed it on his desk. “For you. A present.”
-- supposed to be some kinda playfull innuendo between these two?

“”If it was the government””
--I know it’s dialogue, but still seems that you should have the subjunctive “were” here
“”They have been around the business for a while, they can tell when something’s not right””... “”It would interfere with my work and it would make it harder to help in the future.””
--again, dialogue, but I just can’t see run ons here being useful for characterization

So… now I’m quite suspicious of Kohei. He got “you” the job, and now seems to be way too in-the-know about some quite odd things…

-------------------------------------

Ch15-16

n.c.

------------------------------

K ima break here at the beginning of Part II

Maurice,

read Ch4-8

Again: so far so good.

I can really appreciate many of your allusions and the overall understated humor in many of these scenes. Interestingly, I see a number of overlaps with concepts that come up in my story, and even overlaps (to a certain extent) in style and choice of allusion, so I suppose whatever your target demo is for this, I’m in it.

One thing though: I had a hard time keeping track of the order of things, that is, what happened when, and had to actually go back chapters and check the timestamp a couple times.

I have become more intrigued as I have read, which is obviously a good thing, more so by the developing concepts than by the explicit story per se, although this too has me interested.

With that I’ll leave off until next session, but again I’ll reiterate: Well done so far. The only real criticism I have is that, maybe, I’d like the dialogue to “pop” a little more, and maybe see more overt humor from “you”. One difference between our two works is that this one carries an edge of humor that mine generally dispenses with, and I think this is a strength for your story—Drawing this out a little more might be in order.

specifics and grammatical-type things below

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ch4
man-bag thing”
--lololol: man-bear-pig (from Southpark, in case that was unintentional and you’re out of the loop on that one)

“I checked the time and saw that I needed to get to work. Too late now to write these observations into my journal; it looked like they had missed their chance to be recorded for posterity”
--this was confusing for me, as I kinda had been under the impression that this entire section of observations was recorded in the book precisely because you’d written them. That they are in the book yet, apparently, you didnt write them down TBH has thrown me off a little, as the first person narration had suggested to me that this record was, at least in part, the one you’d been hired to scribe, or at least that the past tense sections were parts thereof.

“Taking my cue from the unhurried movement of bodies toward the stairwell, I joined the exodus alongside Karen and we filed down the corridor.”
--run on
“Above us monitor drones were floating in the air and off to one side a well-dressed young lady was standing in front of a camera and speaking into a microphone”
--run on

“‘Hey, rich man, leave our heads alone’, to the tune of an old Pink Floyd song”
--lol. I got that before you clarified. I think maybe though it would be more effective if left a little less defined, maybe just a casual reference to another brick in the wall, more subtle. If anyone is gonna get the reference, you don’t have to mention Pink Floyd for him/her to do so. Just an idea. Also: is the follow up, “Hey you” supposed to be extending this allusion (from the song Hey You on that same album)? If so I think it would work better if you more closely paralleled the meter and/or form of Hey You…that one is even more esoteric than the first and might be lost even on Floyd fans if they aren’t paying close enough attention. Maybe even a subtle "can you hear me?" or something (this does occur in a crowd, after all)... just an idea. Maybe even somehow come back later--at the party/meeting thing-- with a "united we stand divided we fall", which would fit in with that one guy's discussion of "we're winning...", but maybe that's too much. i dunno

“When I turned to speak to Graeme again, he was no longer there and I was alone once more among the protestors.”
—run on
“Once this was all over, Tane and Elovi’i introduced me to some of the protest organizers and I was invited back to the after-match get-together.”
—run on
--------------------------------
Ch5

“In any case, the likelihood of these people telling me any revealing secrets seemed too remote to take seriously.”
—should be “…these people’s telling…”
“I quizzed them about themselves and they told me about…”
—run on
“They had both been customers of an internet service for gene-sequencing one’s intestinal flora. The service came with its own social network where participants with similar gut bacteria profiles could compare notes on diets and symptoms”
—lol
““We call this a microexpression. It is the classic sign of someone who is telling a lie. The same pattern repeats several times in this clip. Observe…””
—a reference to Lie to Me? Not sure how I feel about this one. IMO is more effective on those who have never seen that show. Although, for the record, I’ve always liked Mr. Orange.
---------------
Ch6

As much as I don’t really care for Joyce, I can appreciate the title, even though I was never able to read enough of that book to really understand any significance this might have.

The shortness of this section is a little jarring, and tbh presently I don’t grasp the point of it at all, although I assume there is one that will become clear later. Maybe it has something to do with the Joyce reference…
---------------
Ch7
The title is… oddly out of place… I assume on purpose. Interesting

The shortness of this and the previous chapter have broken my rhythm, or my feeling for the rhythm, which I also assume is purposeful. Is this an attempt to create a similar sense in the reader to that which you are experiencing on some level, that of disorientation?

---------------

Ch8
“It was as if my body was struggling to react to the situation, but didn’t know how.”
—I think you want the subjunctive “were” here
“That quality in the air, the translucence and immediacy that so energized me in the first flush of drug-rush; it had congealed now down to a brittle solid, encasing both me and the world around me”
—this structure seems poor to me, not as refined as the rest of your prose. IMO lose the semicolon and the “it”; just use a comma, so that the subject of “had congealed” is just “That quality in the air”. Unless, of course, you are going for a more broken/halting feeling here.

“Thus disarmed, we were ordered to pack an overnight bag, and into a change of clothes to replace the technician’s uniforms we still had on.”
—Is this supposed to read “ordered to pack” and “ordered into a change”? The parallel doesn’t work, as the former is an infinitive and the latter a preposition. Was hard to read without pausing for an annoying amount of time.

“I imagined the words of a news reader back home: “the scene showed no signs of a struggle”.”
—seems to me the beginning of the quote should be capitalized, as in this context it would represent a quotation of a distinct sentence.
“looped a strand of thin unyielding wire”
—needs a comma between the two adjectives… there are a few of these, earlier and afterward, but the others seemed more acceptable
“…followed by the rattle of suitcase wheels and the sound of the front door opening.”
--needs the possessive “front door’s”

“I had never thought of him in the past as a talkative person”
--I think this would read better if the prepositional phrase “in the past” were placed at the beginning of the sentence.

“When the gangster with the gun had insisted we change clothes, I chose my leather jacket.”
--The “when” here demands that your verbs, “had insisted” and “chose”, be the same tense

I like how you emphasize that the jacket he so casually throws away in the first chapter was actually very important to him. This lends the first scene a greater significance, making the reader think back to the initial chase.

Very interesting commentary relating art to processed food here. I like.

“I was wondering if anyone up there was listening…”
--needs the subjunctive “were”

“Still, it was one of those stories that might become true, if only it could be given the time to do so.”
--because time is unreal and every moment can be eternal (from earlier)? Interesting, and I am interested if you will develop this later in the story.

Chapter one was brilliant! A mixture of familiar and unfamiliar words. Reader wanting to understand the unfamiliar, but too caught up in the story to be distracted. Love the computer talk. Love the taking of the hat, and saying "fair trade" and running off. Awesome! I love your writing style. A couple of times, I smiled. I like it! On to chapter 2......

Just as good as chapter one, minus the unfamiliar words....now the words were clear and concise, and tight, and very tense! Great job! I love your writing style. It actually reminds me of my own style. I don't normally like stories that goes backward, but after reading the opening, I didn't care that we went backward in time, because you created the opening scene briliantly. You are very good at crafting and writing a good story! Giving you high stars!!!

Sincerely,
Donna
Jessup and theTeleporter

Maurice, I enjoyed this read and although so far away from what I would normally get stuck into enjoyed it. Such a fresh idea for me so it was with great interest i read and enjoyed it. You have a great narrative voice and I sat and thought that there would only be you who could tell this story. Because of this voice you have no problem in describing your characters which then leads onto you making a good flow and then a good pace for the book. This knock on effect shows me why this book has worked so well. I love it and score it high. well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Maurice,

I’ve read the first three chapters so far. Off to a great start. I am interested in the story, and I have come to care about “you”.

Chapter 1: It’s been a while since I’ve read something in the first person present. The first line, however, really works to introduce in just a single sentence your character and his entire situation. It is so effective that I am now thinking about how to incorporate something like this into my novel. Great.

The action in Chapter 2 was decent, yet I feel that it could be much more visceral somehow. Like, the narrator was riding the “highest of natural highs”, through which everything was “more real” and “more what it was”, yet I don’t get a sense of that from the sequence that follows. That whole dynamic seemed to fizzle out with a “because of Catharsis I wasn’t worried”. I had hoped for some really acute observations, and perhaps something more in the actual rescue, something that would make my stomach clench, something that would illustrate the finer pints of a guerrilla rescue while as high and focused as one can be. I felt that the rescue was over before it began, almost, and I didn’t feel worried, or anxious, or even excited, really. Don’t get me wrong I really like what I’ve read so far, but I think this particular sequence of events could be so much better.

I like the entire sequence in Chapter 3, especially the way you develop the office dynamics and relationships. These feel like real people, with identities of their own beyond their roles in this or previous chapters.

The general aesthetic works, and your style of writing is comfortable for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


The comments below may be more specific than you’re looking for, but I just jotted down (nearly) everything that crossed my mind.

---------------

Intro data-stream thingy: I lol’d

---------------------

Ch.1

Para3—“A not unwelcome rain, it takes…”
--this seems a little bulky to me, maybe “Not unwelcome, the rain takes…”

Para4—“…my head like a periscope”
--maybe consider eliminating the simile, and just going with a metaphore (lose the “like”). Just a thought.

Para4—“ struggling for the breath to inhale on their cigarettes.”
--this seems very awkward to me, especially the “inhale on”. “struggling for breath enough to inhale their cigarettes” occurred to me.

Para5—“…the remnant…”
--should be “remnants” to agree with “cameras”

Para6—“I turn into another...”
--“onto”?

Para6—“It’s a fanciful… consider it further.”
--run-on

Para7—“Eyes wide, she… can respond further.”
--run on

Also, these two sentences^ both kinda end the exact same way, which I like, as it emphasizes the reciprocity of the trade, and the general back-and-forth of the narrative here. Earlier the noodle boy left before you could consider further; now you are leaving before she can respond further. I approve.

Para12—“They won’t be expecting that!”
--lol. That you will become a ladyboy? I certainly wasn’t. :p

-------------------------------------

Ch.2

Para11
--Google reference, for me, although semi funny in the context of the technologically advanced near future you have painted, seemed a little lame. That’s probably just me though. [add: When you refer to Street View later on, it worked for me, and made the initial Google reference seem less corny for some reason.]

--I really like the “nano drug” you created. Interesting. The effects… “as if the world had been laminated with a transparent film, something that imbued it with a layer of meaning, giving it an inner life, or perhaps allowing through what had been there all along,” seem very much like the better side of something I know fairly well.

Para 37—“…in out of our depth”
--seems like a mix of “in over our heads” and “out of our depth”

Para 41—“…then there’s things…”
--not sure if the subject-verb disagreement is on purpose

Para 44—“This was before we took the Catharsis.”
--really confused me, as there had seemed to be a consistent narrative flow between your having taken the drug and this point.

Para 48—“I might have got..”
--“gotten”

You seem to have used “conspicuous” a lot

Once they are back out on the streets (too many paragraphs to count)—“moving in the opposite direction to…”
--“direction of”

In the hotel room—“ The train ride back from Shinjuku had been crowded, and the walk from the station had us…”
--had had us (past perfect to agree with the “had been crowded”)

After they leave Miranda in the hotel room, I find myself wishing that she’d been more of a real person. I don’t feel like I know her at all.

---------------------------

Ch.3

Para8—“…I hadn’t got the job…”
--“gotten the job” [add: I actually looked this up, because I felt somehow that in some cases you don’t actually want the past participle “gotten”. The answer I got confused me. lol. Maybe you can figure it out: http://tinyurl.com/axll3kx]

Para10—“My bus arrived… to get on.”
--run on

Para13—“ The interior designer appeared to have been one of those who had despaired at how the terrain of beauty has been comprehensively mined out, going instead for the tastefully ugly. It was a creditworthy effort, even if he or she had overdone the orange. I was particularly impressed by the reception kiosk. It made me think of a gun turret: the receptionist rotating on her chair with a headset wired for sound, surrounded by screens and control panels. It seemed a nice touch and I wondered if this was the effect intended.”
--love this whole section. I can really visualize what you were after here. (although the last sentence is a run-on) One suggestion: Afterwards (Para14), I think it would be more effective to say that she “aimed you toward the elevator”, instead of “pointed to the elevator”, to extend the image a little more. Maybe that’s lame… I dunno. Just crossed my mind.

I feel that you are missing a bunch of end-quotes when the guy with the blind-man’s-eyes is telling you about economics etc.

When meeting the research team—“ “Just joking,” said Dr Shaw. “I’m sure you will be able to do your job well enough, without getting in the way of us doing ours.”
--it should really read “…in the way of our doing ours”, but that sounds terrible. Maybe just “without getting in the way of ours.” So far your grammar has been top notch minus some typos, and I remember being impressed when you correctly used the possessive with the gerund earlier. IMO you should keep that up. The trimmed version seems to work while not sounding terrible or displaying bad grammar.

In that same interaction—“ I felt a sense of relief: this could be a fun place to work, after all. I could fit in here.”
--lol sign me up. I too teach Asian kids English (not exclusively but frequently); I too am unpublished; I too am broke. :D

---------------------------------------------------

Like I said, looks good so far. Ima try to read 2-3 of these a night (give or take a night here and there). Question: Do you appreciate the finer comments, or do you really just want overall feedback? While restricting myself to the latter obviously would take less time for me, I really don’t mind extra work and will notice all that shit anyways. The story seems strong enough that the linguistics should be tightened up as much as possible, looking to the future.

Jeff

Hi Maurice,
I hadn't realized that the story was based in Tokyo, the city I've once lived so I was glad to have a chance to read it. The description of this mega city, the special ambiance of Shibuya and Inokashira street, along with the commuters are real, accurate and it evokes dramas hidden behind seemingly expressionless facades. I could immediately see that it's not one of many shallow and badly researched novels based in a ninja-geisha country written by short-term visitors to Japan. This is a novel based in real Tokyo (although in a future setting) written by someone who speaks the language and has seen behind the facade. I am happy to have found this story.

I found the first chapter sharp and interesting, and I think it served the purpose to hook readers. I was, anyway. But, I found the first paragraph - of robotic talks - a bit unfriendly, but I also understand that it's deliberately done this way, and I see that the first chapter is sandwiched by two of these. I am probably not the one to comment on it as I am not a regular sci-fi reader but for the general public, it could be just a tiny bit readable?

On the other hand, I absolutely loved the first line of the second para (or the real start of the chapter one). It's sharp and intriguing.

I also found the description when the main character experienced the Catharsis (or was it Catharcis?) superb, and original.

On the other hand, I wanted to know more about the scene when Miranda was rescued. For example, what did she look like - her expression, her clothes etc. Was her hair messy? Did she look like she'd been beaten or has been crying, or just tired? Did she say anything? (I suppose not, but why?) I thought this scene could be elaborated and increase the tension.

Another suggestion is although this is slightly more on the structure but, have you considered showing Miranda's abduction scene earlier in the chapter?

My last suggestion so far is the cover image. I thought the photo of Zen garden (although I appreciate it a lot as a Japanese) does not evoke the story. Something more futuristic or something to indicate the action (demostraters, yakuzas in plaid hats, that strange bandage style gears etc.) in the story, perhaps?

Thank you for letting me read this story.

R

All right. This is good, and thanks to you, I now know that "fug" is an actual word. I will definately be taking your contructive criticism of my work a little more seriously now. haha.
I actually found myself getting into the story, which is rare for me on this site. You may very well be the next William Gibson - but without all the technerd gobbldygook.

BACKED!

This can go straight into the book shops. It is fast-paced, entertaining, incredibly well written, with an intriguing story-line. It feels professional and sounds even better.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Here's the comments I owe you, Maurice. Sorry it took so long.

Chapter 2:

- "was standing there" it's more active and sounds better to say "stood there"
- Graeme comes out of nowhere and when you start a sentence with his name instead of introducing him in some way first, it's quite confusing. I'd suggest some sort of intro before him, even if it's "standing next to me" or something like that. At first I thought that you'd switched to third person on accident.
- "was claiming" same thing as above, say "claimed"
- "more bracing that a" I think that should be than
- I don't know if you've said the MC's name before, but this - "I’m sorry Kurt" - is the first time I've noticed it. Up until now I was super confused as to whether this was the same guy from the first chapter or maybe the person who wrote the logs at the top and bottom of that chapter. I'm still confused as to whether this is right after he got knocked out by that thing in chapter 1 or beforehand.
- "fence, this one surrounding" this should be a semicolon and it should be surrounded - since you've given a subject after the comma
- "It was like a secluded metal garden, inert machinery betraying no signs of life, a silence so intense it let the faint roar of the surrounding city back into my consciousness" similar this. The first comma should be a semicolon and it should be betrayed. And the second comma would work best as a dash.
- "It is one of those facts that are easy to forget." Are should be is since it modifies it and not facts
- "into my ear: “This" - comma not a colon
- hyphenate "half expected"
- " On one wall held a" I'd cut "on", it sounds awkward
- "that it took me" cut "that" - its awkward and unnecessary
- "holding a gun that was pointed in my direction." I'd simplify his whole thing to "pointing a gun in my direction" - as is, it's awkward

Okay, well I have a tendency not to read pitches until after I read the story. That way I can tell you whether or not your writing gets the plot across. To be honest, I'm very confused. It's fine to leave the reader confused in the first chapter, but after that, things should really start to get at least marginally clearer. So here's a list of things that confuse me:

1. Who are these guys and why are they in Japan? Also, why do they seem to be in the middle of a tech-savvy mob war?
2. I thought Kurt was captured or knocked out or something at the end of chapter 1. So why does that not even get mentioned in chp 2? If this is a time switch, it should be mentioned.
3. What's with the log notes in chapter 1?
4. Who is Miranda and why is she with them?
5. Who are all these Japanese groups they keep mentioning? I feel like I should be privy to this info, but right now I feel very much in the dark.
6. Why did they have to go through customs and take a train? Were they just arriving in Japan? I didn't realise they might have just arrived until Miranda's jet lag was mentioned.
7. What do these guys look like? Other than the blond hair, I got that.
8. If this is futuristic, population declining, tech-savvy Japan, what does it look like? I have no idea...

That's just the main things I'm confused about. Also, you should say Kurt's name more. I keep forgetting it. It detaches me from him as an MC if I can't remember his name.

Okay I just read the pitch. As a side note: pitches should be written in present tense, no matter what the book is written in. After reading this, I'm still confused about what's happening in the first two chapters. It would be nice to get some of this info about his new job and all that up front. I shouldn't need the pitch to help me understand the plot.

Those are my thoughts. This is well written for the most part. Structure and writing are both fine. I'm editing from my iPad, so please excuse typos and weird formatting or whatever.

Best of luck with this!

Anna-Lara
How to Knit Your Way Through Gunfire

Maurice:
Congratulations! Very well written. Keeps the action moving all the time. Intriguing story. It promises to be a winner. Will return to read more as soon as I can. Six stars and a place on my WL.
I'd appreciate a return read, with comments and stars. If you deem it worthy, I'd appreciate a place on your WL, even better a place on your shelf.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

I enjoyed this. I thought the world you created, the characters, the premise all worked very well and interested me. I thought it read very easy and had a good pace and bounce to it.

That said I had some issues with it. The approach you use (in the early chapters at least) of not explaining what’s going on got a bit tiresome. Obviously to create intrigue you don’t want to give away everything, but neither do you, I would suggest, want to give away nothing. Him being chased by unknown/unseen enemies, Graeme explaining what he knew but not letting the reader know, not explaining how he knew where she was being held... having so many unknowns one after the other, with no answers in between, quickly went from intrigue to frustrating.

Not that you need to fully explain stuff, but to leave it so open ended makes it look suspiciously like you don’t have any answers. I’m not saying that’s true, and if I keep reading I may find plenty of good ones, but at the start of a book by an unknown author asking the reader to take it on faith that is all going somewhere is asking a lot—mainly because of all the other writers who spectacularly failed to deliver (especially on this site)

Which is to say it would help if you offered a little proof of your ability to write a pay-off by putting one in the first chapter. Doesn’t even have to be to do with the main plot. But having one confusing unknown for which you provide a satisfying answer can put a reader’s mind at ease.

It can even be a matter of posing the question in a little more detail. “I know something you don’t know,” is sort of interesting. “I know what happened to your father in Moscow in 1982,” is far more interesting. The extra details don’t give away what I know, they reinforce that you need to keep listening.

This is particularly true of your pitch which in an attempt not to give too much away, ends up reading as very vague and doesn’t tell me enough to draw me in. Not understanding what’s going on isn’t enough, if it were I’d be reading a lot of physics textbooks (which I hardly ever do).

That ability to pin down the question is what I felt was lacking in the opening chapters. I think you intentionally went for the ‘what the hell’s going on?” vibe, but too much IMO. Especially when you had Graeme explain what he knows off-screen. There’s no reason to do that in Kurt’s POV other than to be unnecessarily coy. And not telling us he had a gun until after he shot two people was just annoying.

I think the story and writing is strong enough to hold the reader’s interest without resorting to that stuff. In fact, I think it’d work better.

White Matter is highly technical, but at the same time fast paced and full of surprising passages. About an arms race: "I am in a race, but I am not armed." "...artist before the invention of perspective, looking at my work and wondering what it was that was not quite right." " goggles... replacing the pocket protector as the universal badge of nerdiness."
Dialogue is outstanding, especially the immigration interview. An exceptional piece of writing! High stars

Maurice, this is one of the most gripping books I've read on here. Your writing is crisp, self-assured and highly professional. It's very polished; I'm on chapter nine so far and haven't noticed a single typo/error.

There's nothing I can suggest to improve and I'm backing this with pleasure. If I do notice that I think I could be of help with when reading more, I'll comment again. Highly starred and I wish you all the best with this cracking book; well done!

Wow, this is intriguing! Your opening chapter does a fantastic job of roping me in. I'm continually asking what the heck is going on! The writing is fluid, clean and well constructed. I think this is great stuff. Six stars!
Best of luck with this!
And if you'd like, do drop by for a look at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

SF 42
This is an interesting jigsaw template. I always admire writers who drop the standard linear approach in favour of something else. It is always very difficult to pull off, and requires much more skill and attention to detail. I did enjoy reading your individual chapters, they are well written, flow nicely and pull you through, but l did beomc eoncfused about how they relate to each other, especially in the begining. I also feel that you have a tendency to explain things which are self evident through your dialogue. Your dialogue is very very good, so you don't need to state that a character is asking rhetorical questions and answering them himself, we can clearly see it. That may just be a confidence issue, but have faith in your dialogue, for it really works. I was also caught by the way you describe your places by describing the people in them. This is again unusual and very reminiscent of William Gibson's style of scene setting. I like it, but perhaps a little more actual physical background as well, becasue this is near future and l felt a little uncertain as to what had changed and what hadn't. Love the use of the phone for directions, help, etc, as that syncs with modern life. Thught your passage about the drugs trip really stood out, very nicely done.
Overall, very good. I would say just trust your dialogue more.
Looking forward to reading the second half (10 - 20) soon.

yours,

Scott Devon.
When Both Sides Surrender.

Club Nanobots Review

Very different then the other works I have reviewed thus far. I definitely enjoyed how the computer framed this first chapter. I might agree with someone below - that if this is indeed an AI system, you might want to choose more "machine-like" terminology. The if-then statement was a great example of what you did well (I'm a computer programmer so I appreciate that!).

This first chapter was a great hook - the only negative would be the strange diction you use at times when simpler words would do. Well done!

Ryan
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

Club Nanobot review

This seems tighter than when I read it before. I love the computer POV framing the MC's. This really racks the tension up many notches as the thing has eyes all over and it is following him. At first, it doesn't seem hostile, merely curious and analytical, but later it changes to hurt him and wonders why. It seems almost like a child playing with toys and annoyed when a head comes off a doll and it doesn't look good anymore.

The MC knows he is being chased and also watched. He keeps moving and does what he can to alter his appearence. At this point his location in the Far East is revealed, as well as his general appearance. Nicely done.

Nanobot Review

Whoa

This is very good!

There were a few tricky punctuations that caught me up, but the story is gripping and you write very well. I love the beginning stanza about watching - artfully conceived and rendered.

You're good. Whether it's this book or not, you write well enough for people to buy your work!

Rob

nanobot review

confusing from the get-go. no biggie, chapter one is supposed to hook, and you're certainly playing to win there. i enjoy a story that doesn't rely on subtely, and i think your use of imagery agrees. the 'periscope' line was especially good.

other positives include your use of distinctive fonts to distinguish narratives and the references to future technology, such as the bio-suits and (i'm guessing) biologically-discriminant firearms.

as for negative, i might address the diction of your cpu, but it would be tough to say that wholeheartedly without having read more of the content. "from where this compulsion," reads a little rough for what might be an artificially intelligent being.

overall, you're developing something interesting here, and it sounds like you'll be exploring a great many themes during the course.

SF42 Review

A bunch of specific comments, and then my overall impression. Let me preface these by saying I’m not a trained grammarian, these are just things I noticed that are different from how I would have done them. Your way may in fact be correct.

I like the initial omniscient voice. It brings an ominous feel to the introduction.

I think the drama of the first sentence would be improved if you made it two short sentences:

“I have been a pawn in one person’s game. Now I am a fugitive in someone else’s.”

The little extra pause added by changing from a comma to a period increases the tension.

I might have said “The rain is light BUT relentless.” Light AND relentless seems a bit at odds, like saying “light and heavy,” while changing it to “but” recognizes and embraces the contrast.

Personal note - Shibuya! Have you been there? You seem familiar with the environment. I have fond memories.

You can sometimes say slightly more by saying slightly less. If you changed “Not my favorite time of the year, but one I would very much like to live through all the same” to read “Not my favorite time of year, but one I would like to live through all the same,” you’d use a few less words, but it would sound more gritty and noir, sort of Sam Spade.

Again, I think the drama would increase in paragraph five if it were broken into two sentences, like this:

“The chase, though. The chase is real.”

Paragraph six – “In the land of the miniature, these cameras are deliberately large.” The “made” isn’t necessary. “…the remnant of an arms race in which move provoked countermove” reads better than “…the remnant of an arms race in which, as usual, move only provoked countermove.”

Paragraph seven – I’m not sure what the following adds to your world building: “….his cargo swaying behind him on an elaborate mechanism of springs and cantilevers.” I’d consider cutting or shortening it to something less awkward, maybe just “his cargo swaying behind him.” It seems like you’re off to a good start with crisp, short sentences, and I’d try to stick to that as much as possible. And shorten the last sentence to “He disappears around the corner before I can consider it further,” or maybe even “He disappears around the corner before I can act.” The “It’s a fanciful idea” interrupts the flow and breaks the rhythm.

Here’s a suggestion for a rewrite of paragraph 12:

“I feel no fear. No adrenaline floods my system. The events of the last 24 hours have consumed all the fear I possess. I feel only the clamminess of dried sweat and cloths worn too long. And hunger, gnawing at my gut.”

That tightens the prose and helps maintain the tension.

Chapter two

Third paragraph “… he had just come from the horse racing.” This just sounds off somehow. He had just come from a horse race, or he had just come from the track, or something, but “he had just come from the horse racing” is just a bit odd.

Should be “Seemed to me, we were two white boys in too deep,” or “…two white boys out of our depth,” but not “…in out of our depth…” The “in out” is awkward.

“I don’t imagine many rescue missions are launched on public transport,” I love that line! You should use that on the book jacket.

Should be “… I might have gotten angry with him”, not “… I might have got angry with him.”

You said “…a silence sufficiently intense it let the faint roar of the surrounding city…” This should either be “a silence so intense it let the faint roar,” or “a silence sufficiently intense to let the faint roar…”

“My demeanor as we walked back through THE streets of Meguro…” I think you forget the “the”.

Chapter three

“I hadn’t gotten the job yet,” not “I hadn’t got the job yet.”

Your sentence that begins “She was attractive in a formidable way…” as written should say “conveying a stern maturity.” Or break it into two sentences after the word “arc,” and lose the “I decided,” and then the second sentence can say “conveyed.”

You said, “His eyes did not seek contact, but nor did they flicker.” Maybe this is an issue of American vice British usage, but I would have either said “…, but neither did they flicker” or else just left the “but” out and said “His eyes did not seek contact, nor did they flicker.”

You say “The man occupying the window seat, turned to address us.” I’d lose that comma. Taking a pause there doesn’t make sense.

Chapter four

You say “I have no idea what you trying to say, Kurt.” You want that to be “… no idea what you’re trying to say…”

All right, I’ve completed the first eight chapters now, and it’s time for an overall impression. I really liked the way the story began. As I mentioned, it had just the right touch of Blade Runner style noir. But at eight chapters in, I’m starting to get a little put off by the fact that the big picture isn’t gelling. At this point in a story, I’d expect to have more of an idea of where things are going. The point where the two hostages, held captive by what appear to be Yakuza, start discussing art theory is probably where I’d put the book down and move on to something else. I get a strong sense that this book is supposed to involve some sort of mind-reading technology. Eight chapters in, I’m still guessing when, where or how that becomes relevant. I’d recommend that if that’s the key plot point, work something about it into the earlier part of the story to give us some reason to care about what happens to these people.

Hopefully you’ll find something of the above useful. Best wishes for a long and profitable career as a writer. Regards, Robert.

Nanobot review.
I went straight for the first chapter without reading the pitch.
I leaves me wanting to find out what it's about. Why he's running? The meaning of the italic writing of the Supervisory monitoring log? What is it?
So far I know it's set in Tokyo, in the future and someone has escaped and is being chased. The questions I'm left with mean I have to read on.
A really well written and edited chapter.
No nit-picks to report.
Pollyanna.

Nanobot Review:
I know I've already read and commented a couple of times now but I thought I'd use this Nano-opportune time to say - this is superb writing. In the first short chapter the MC's voice is already distinctive, the dribbling of short sentences among the longer ones combined with your creatively sparse style is very effective for pacing, and the well drawn atmosphere and tidbits of futuristic and mysteriously eye-widening objects grabs interest in the first chapter.
I'm so glad you've put up more of this story. Great dialogue in chap 20. The plot is thickening! This definitely deserves space on my shelf.

Club Nanobots review
Hi Maurice,
Everything about this chapter feels pared down to the bare bones - from descriptions of the environment and the people populating it, to the MC himself. It works superbly for the contents, enhancing the sense of tension and urgency. Whoever this guy is, he’s in trouble and needs to get himself out of it.

Despite the lean feel of the text, the descriptions you do use are to great effect - I can see those young Japanese girls and guys vividly, and the bland, anonymous ‘salarymen’. The MC’s head being like ‘a periscope above the crowd’ really jumps out - the tall, blonde westerner towering over the shorter crowd. Great stuff. Anyone who has ever seen a programme about the youth of Japan will relate to this, never mind someone who has more direct experience. Which I’m guessing you perhaps do?

It’s a little hard to give a review based on the club guidelines about character development/plot etc, since this chapter is loaded with unknowns yet to be answered, and the pace races along at the same speed as your fugitive MC. What you have done is set the reader up with enough tension and mystery to be solved that the urge to read on is irresistible.

Now this may be odd, but in terms of characters, I felt the most intrigued by- and somehow connected to - what I am guessing is some kind of artificial intelligence - the one who ‘must watch’ at the beginning of the chapter, and questions its own actions in lowering the boom at the end of the chapter. Something about these two pieces created an ‘emotional’ connection for me - almost more than the man fleeing through the streets.

There is very little I could pick at here, so I can only mention one sentence that caused me to trip up in reading. ‘I hear a sound, the distinctive phut of a biometric shotgun?’ My thought here is that if the sound is actually distinctive, the question mark at the end of the sentence shouldn’t be there. Or, if he is uncertain, and you really want it to remain a question in his mind, leave out ‘distinctive’.

For me, being only an occasional reader of sci-fi rather than a regular, the opening chapter allowed me to feel comfortable in a familiar environment, and not overwhelmed by the ‘futuristic’ elements, and created enough mystery to genuinely catch my interest. It was fun to read something so completely different from how I write, and what I would in general choose to read.

Club Nanobots Review
Wow what a great opening chapter, i like the fell emersion into another culture, way of life and can't read to wait to read anymore. Great writing.
Abbie Wallace
Medically Mystifying

SF42
Club Nanobots Critique

The two chapters seemed vague and while they were easy to follow, I didn't feel a part of the story. The second chapter with characters, introduced rather suddenly, did make me get into the story more.

This is written well and I think a good start.

Abby

Club Nanobots Review

White Matter
By: Maurice B.

Awesome start! I was captivated and was at the end of the chapter before I realized. You descriptions and introductions of the characters are witty and the dialogue to go with them amusing and clever. An action-packed story you have here Maurice! I sprinkle you with 6 stars!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones :)

Club Nanobots

Hi Maurice,

I’m here for my Nanobots review. It looks like you might have another chapter up since I read this last. I’ll have a look once I’ve finished all my Nanobots obligations.

Back to Chapter One:
‘my head like a periscope above the umbrellas’ is lovely. Great imagery. I’m not sure why I don’t remember it from my last reading. Otherwise, this seems very similar to my original reading of it. It’s a great start to your story and always has been. There is so much mystery here, it certainly makes the reader want to read on.

Sue

nanobot review.
Hi Maurice. Your book is excellent. Characters, dialogue, descriptions (of people, the city, the interiors), are crafted intelligently and there is a wholeness about White Matter which all good books have. The topic itself surely captures the imagination of anyone who is able to think.
Possible issues - four minutes is a long time to suffer the pain of hell's fire. Some people can run a mile in that time. The mind/body might survive thirty seconds. I might last ten.
Are his fists paring or parring?
Great work,
Scott.

Club Nanobots Critique

I enjoyed this a lot, even though I have a nitpick or two. Your descriptions were wonderful; I could picture the Japanese street perfectly, with your array of characters making it vivid and vibrant. I also liked the little nugget you've placed to draw readers. Why is he running? Who is chasing him?

My nitpick is the viewpoint change. I know this is to intrigue and to introduce one of the other four viewpoints you mentioned in the pitch, but I felt it hindered more than it helped. Maybe it makes more sense when you read on, but for me it was a little jarring and confusing. There was also some minor issue with grammar at the beginning, but you smoothed it out and created an excellent flow.

Highly starred, you've got something great here!

Ryan

Club Nanobots Critique

White Matter
Maurice R

Good. Great Opener.
I like the fast running pace, gets us into another world another time pretty fast, we have to grab it because he is running fast from or into danger…
This chapter one is a great opening door to your shop, it runs the eye fast to the end of the page with the mind absorbed with the blond guy grabbing a hat and you knowing he needs to grab a stronger disguise than that.
I am in the chase, right anxiously there, as you get us readers snarled in the slipstream of your fast pace prose.
And the ending has a good last line hook to bring on our curiosity.

John Life

Club Nanobot:
For some reason this first chapter was very...haunting. I loved it. Spotless MS. Fluid writing, descriptive, but not overtly so. It was short and sweet and definitely made me want to read on. I have nothing negative to say and no corrections or suggestions. Beautifully written. Six stars and will definitely keep reading. Great work!

Bre
Memoria

Club Nanobots critique, ho!

For nits, I only suppose that six-foot-plus should be hyphenated. Some repetition of 'on' in the "I reckon" sentence.

The mechanical voice at the end sounds strange. Perhaps to passionate to seem really a machine bent on a quest (unless we're talking emotional AI, which is a whole different ballpark from what this appears at first).

"Relentless" sounds more powerful and hard than your description of this rain should. "Unending", "tireless", "ceaseless", maybe? "Relentless" also has a connotation of pursuit, which would suit the story well, but not the description of this rain. Not driving enough.

The piece seems dramatic and noir-ish. I read this in a detective voice of sorts--slow and flat from exhaustion more than a cool disposition (which it also reads like it should have, though less so). Automatically read this in a younger Caucasian voice, though I hadn't initially pictured him blond.

Great atmosphere. Reads researched but less ha-ha-I'm-smarter-than-you and more like been-there-done-that. Good work on the world-building.

WHITE MATTER
This is an intriguing story. I like the way it begins with a chase; alerts your reads this is not goig to be a story that wastes any time getting moving. I wasn’t as clear what all was happening in the second chapter, but at the end because your writing style is so clear it didn’t matter. Miranda’s rescue is good. A good setup for the rest of the story. I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This story hits the ground running. Well written. I wish I had something more to say, but I have no suggestions for improvement.

Hi, Maurice. Me again. For Club Nanobot, I'm reviewing Chapter 2 which is, I think, new since I last looked at your book. Same rules apply to my comments as for the last lot: take what you think might be useful and bin the rest.

First para is in present tense - jarred for me as what follows is all past tense.

Second - and last - this chapter works perfectly for me. Maybe a few words could be edited here and there to tighten the tension of the rescue mission more, perhaps the initial contact at the station could be tweaked to raise the stakes - but as it stands, it works. In fact I'll go as far as to say that this is a more interesting, gripping opening than the first chapter (feel free to ignore that - I know you want the AI introduced early).

In particular, I enjoyed the bang-up-to-date tech: mobile phone app; google streetview; 3d printer for the footholds. The nanodrug talks of near-future, but as a tool for giving the MC short-term 'superpower' abilities - I can buy into this with no problem.

All-in-all, I'm impressed with the way your developing the story. Sorry I couldn't be more critical. Best wishes with taking this one forward to publication.

Club Nanobot Critique
Since Maurice's book is one that I already did an extensive in-depth critique for offline, I'll simply post this to let people know that this book is well written and quite intriguing, certainly well worth your time to read. It deserves to be much higher ranked than it currently is, and I've been reshelving it in my rotation regularly.

SF42 Review

Chapter 1
- The beginning is strong, and I’m immediately given the tone of the rest of the book, which will hopefully continue
- For the chase scene, I would like to see a bit more urgency, and panic. I can’t tell if he’s running through the crowd, going quickly, or just acting normally
- I really like the contrast between the man and the ‘camera’ (that’s my name for it right now)

Chapter 2
- I’m noticing quite a bit of repetition. “It looked like a corset. It looked like bondage. It looked like a straight-jacket.” “They say the first time is the best. They say the first time is the best because of…”
- I’m starting to already become a bit lost. I’m clear of the setting. Not the physical location, but what’s going on in each moment.
- I feel as though both of them are amateurs, but I’m not sure they’re supposed to be. If they were professionals of some sort, I would expect a bit more sophistication in their plan, and not using Google Maps street view. I also have a hard time believing that Kurt would just be following Graeme without even knowing what the plan is. What if something happens?
- Miranda’s rescue was extremely flat. Seriously, that was it? “She was surprised to see us.” Thanks. Usually people are surprised when they’re rescued without warning. And how was that dangerous? A couple of old people in the building with her? Then five minutes later, without any problem, they’re back on the street?

Chapter 3
- This chapter almost sounds as though it’s written by someone completely different. There’s a different voice, and pace. I could perhaps argue that since this is 6 months prior to the first two chapters, that the character has changed and since it’s in his POV, that would change as well. But I have a feeling that’s not the case.
- I wish this chapter had been first. I’m getting a much better sense of who Kurt is, how his mind works, than in the previous two chapters which, had I picked up in a bookstore, I would have put back down.
- I’ll admit that I like the flashback style of this chapter, re-meeting Miranda. But the writing is so much better in this chapter that I really want this to be first.

Chapter 4
- Not much to say about this chapter, but the end of the chapter began to fall apart and revert back to the style of the first two chapters

I think that’s my biggest problem with this book so far: the style. The very beginning gives me one sense of where the book is going, but then the next chapter is completely different and unfortunately, it turned me off from the book. It was absolutely ridiculous. On the other hand, the writing in chapter 3 is absolutely amazing, and even at the beginning of chapter 4. It’s a complete turn-around. I’m still confused, though, because in chapter 1 I’m given a greater sense of sci-fi, thinking that the person watching is important, and as though there are two people in the narrative. Then chapter 2 happens, and I have no idea what the heck is going on. I’m tossed around, and I think I’ve gotten back on the boat with chapter 4.

There are no spelling or grammatical issues that I can see, so you’re fine in that regard. I really, really like the premise of this book, or at least what I think the premise is. I just need a bit more of chapter 3’s style to really get into it.

- Nichole