Book Jacket

 

rank 4827
word count 53642
date submitted 26.04.2012
date updated 31.01.2013
genres: Romance, Historical Fiction, Scienc...
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Slave Owner

M.G. Durant

Journeying to 18th Century Barbados was an experiment in time travel, but for Katherine, after meeting Joseph, it became more much than that.

 

Katherine is one of four scientists who build a time travel machine (or a Sender, as they call it), and she is to be the first to travel. The Slave Owner is about her amazing journey to 18th Century Barbados; in the days when Barbados was a British colony, with a thriving sugar industry, successful in no small part because of slavery. Aside from her disgust at the treatment of the slaves, Katherine is enthralled with this adventure in her ancestral home; that is, until she discovers that due to a flaw in the Sender, she cannot return to the future. Although she is a brilliant scientist, her life has been spent buried in her work, making her socially immature and unprepared for the relationship that develops between her and Joseph Newton, the plantation owner on whom she must rely. Her encounters with the slaves range from heart-warming to terrifying and when she herself becomes a slave owner, her views of history change. While finding a way to return to her modern day home is her main goal, when she finally achieves this, she finds it difficult to leave the people she has grown to love.

 
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tags

barbados, love, slavery, time travel

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Chapters

13

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Church went pretty much the same as it had the week before except that this week the eyes glaring at me the most were the Maxwell’s. I should have realised that they would be there but I hadn’t thought about it. Joseph told me not to worry as they were not likely to tell anyone what happened. Apparently it would have been embarrassing to them as well as me. At least I had my camera and that was my purpose for being there.

The Maxwell’s didn’t speak to us after Church and I was glad. If I never spoke with them again it would be too soon. As we were getting into the buggy Joseph mentioned that we wouldn’t be going to Oistin’s Sunday market because he had something important to do. So he took us back to the Great House and left us there. So much for getting pictures on my last day!

I took Sarah from Nana and went outside with Thomas to play in the garden. The kittens we had found were really tame now and came to us hoping for scraps of food. I sat on the lawn with Sarah and a kitten on my lap as I watched Thomas trying unsuccessfully to climb a tree.

The day passed slowly, Cookie had called us in for Sunday lunch and still Joseph had not returned. I was beginning to get anxious as I was leaving tonight and wanted to spend more time with him before going.

Seeing that both children went to rest after lunch I decided to go back to my cottage and write the farewell note to Joseph so I borrowed the writing implements from his desk and left.

Writing the note was difficult, not only coming up with a plausible lie but also expressing my feelings for him. I did want him to know how wonderful I thought he was, but at the same time I couldn’t go overboard with sentiment or else my leaving would have seemed foolish.

Eventually I finished what I thought was an acceptable note and left the parchment open on the dining table so the ink could dry. I then went to call the office to sort out the final arrangements for my departure.

Only Melinda was there and she looked very happy to see me.

“How’s it going Kat?” she asked “I hope you’re still enjoying it there because guess what?”

“What?”

“John doesn’t want you to come back yet. He called us this morning and asked that you stay there and take photos of as many locations in Barbados as possible. On your return, he wants to present a large report to the White House, including the photos.”

My heart leapt. I could stay longer and I didn’t even have to make an excuse to do it. My face must have expressed my true feelings because Melinda’s mouth dropped open.

“Wow girl, you’ve got it bad,” She said.

“What are you talking about?” I replied.

“You should see the expression on your face. You’re really falling for this guy aren’t you?”

“Don’t be silly Melinda.”

“It’s written all over your face Kat. If you don’t want the guys to figure it out you’d better find a way to wipe that smile off your face”

“I hope you’re just imagining things because I really don’t want them to find out.”

“So I’m right then?”

“Kind of, you’re right in that I wouldn’t mind spending a bit longer here.”

“Did he kiss you yet?”

I could feel my cheeks going red, “He did… but I only let it happen because I was leaving today.”

“Well if I were you, I’d try to cool things down because I don’t know how long John’s going to make you stay.”

“That shouldn’t be hard. I don’t think he’s forgiven me for attacking Mrs. Maxwell yet. After church this morning he took off on his own and I haven’t seen him since.”

“Good, I have ordered some new dresses for you. Can you think of anything else you need?”

“I’d love a candy bar and a cold coke. God I miss ice in my drinks.”

Melinda laughed, “Oh the things we take for granted. Hang on, I think I have a Kit Kat in the fridge, I’ll send it through now.”

“Thanks, I’ve got to stop chatting now though, I’ve got a farewell note to destroy.”

“I love you honey, be careful and remember to call tomorrow.”

“I will,” I replied and hung up looking forward to my cold coke.

After finishing my Coke and half of the large chocolate bar, I decided to head back to the Great House. I was so relieved that I had more time here I just wanted to kiss the children.

Joseph arrived shortly after I reached his house. “Come,” he said. “I have a surprise for you.” And he led me outside to the buggy.

I couldn’t believe my eyes… sitting in the buggy was the young slave girl from Maxwell’s plantation. “What’s she doing here?” I asked.

“After church I met with Mr. Maxwell and he agreed to sell me her.” He said. “She’s yours now.”

My mouth fell open. He bought me a slave. I was a slave owner. On the one hand I was mortified at that fact, but on the other hand this was one lucky girl. She had escaped the clutches of Mrs. Maxwell.

“Joseph, I don’t want a slave. I can’t have a slave. Where would I keep a slave? What happens when I leave?... Thank you for saving her.” I was rambling now.

“She can live with my slaves. In fact I thought that Chubba’s sister might take her in since her son died, but it’s your decision, she’s all yours my soft hearted beauty.”

Had we not been standing in the open I would have reached up and kissed him but instead I went up to the buggy and spoke to the young girl who was cowering nervously in the back of the buggy.

“What is your name?” I asked her.

“Nana.” She replied.

“Nana… really? We have a Nana here already. Do not be scared no one here will ever hurt you. Come and let’s get you cleaned up.” I said.

I turned to Joseph. “So she’s really mine? I can do what I want with her?”

He nodded.

“Do you have clothes for her?”

“No but I can get some. What are you going to do with her?”

“Well if you can find her some clothes I’m going rid her of that filthy dress, bathe her and give her a meal. Then I’ll return her to you so you can get her settled in with Chubba’s sister for the night.” I replied.

I wasn’t ready to tell Joseph what I was going to do with her tomorrow as I knew he wouldn’t approve. I was going to teach her to read and spoil her rotten. I would let her apprentice with Cookie as well. She seemed to have worked in the kitchen at Maxwell’s so I figured I had better let her continue to learn that line of work. Hopefully that would guarantee her employment as a domestic slave when I left and she would not have to cut canes or do the dangerous job of working in the grinding mills.

I thought back to the Nana’s journal in the Barbados Museum. Up until now I had assumed Thomas’s nanny had written it, but maybe I was wrong and this was the Nana. However, if it was, then I wasn’t supposed to teach her to read, according to her writings, a woman named Malaika would do that. Would I be changing history if I taught her? Could history be changed? Oooh a new experiment… I was feeling like a scientist again. I would teach her to read… sorry Malaika… you were in the history books when I left home, but what would happen now?

Joseph did manage to find a dress that, though a bit big, would do for New Nana, and with his permission I took her back to my cottage and filled my tub. I decided that I would totally spoil her so I also took out my soap, breaking off a small bit so it no longer had a brand name written across it and proceeded to bathe her.

As she bathed, I spoke with her gently telling her that her life would never be as bad as it was at the Maxwell’s again. I told her that she could tell me anything she wanted and I would not punish her. Eventually Nana began to relax. I was extremely happy thinking about how I intended to change this girl’s life, that is, for as long as I was still here. I hoped that I had at least four weeks with her; I could do a lot in four weeks. After her bath, I attempted to brush her wild hair and braid it. Not an easy feat. Then I did the craziest thing, I gave her the rest of my Kit Kat to eat. I guess I thought of her as too ignorant to realise that this was not a normal treat for 1793.

When I returned to the Great House, on my orders, Nana took New Nana to the kitchen and gave her a plate of food, after which Joseph took her down to the slave quarters.

When he returned, we ate dinner together on the veranda and I thanked him again for saving little Nana. He seemed really pleased with himself for his decision.

“So maybe you won’t leave on Tuesday? Will you stay even if only for a short time longer?”

I nodded and he reached over the table and hugged me. “Thank you, you won’t regret staying.”

I hoped he was right.

That night, as usual, Joseph and I walked back to the cottage holding hands like a young dating couple, and when he kissed me goodnight I felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach like the innocent woman that I was.

As I lay in bed I imagined making love to Joseph and as wonderful as my fantasies were I was aware that this was never going to happen. It couldn’t happen but not for moral reasons, I was a twenty year old woman and making love should be a natural occurrence. I was not one of those stodgy old people who believed you had to be married first, my reasons for not wanting to sleep with Joseph were a lot more complex than that.

My first problem was that I had not travelled with any 18th Century underwear. So if I were to decide to sleep with Joseph I would either have to find a way to explain my very brief panties or wear none at all and I wasn’t sure which way would be worse.

The second and bigger problem was that I was a virgin. Had I introduced myself to Joseph as a single woman this would have been okay, but I was supposed to be the widow of the brilliant and wondrous Dr. Smith. How could I explain that one? I don’t know much about the state of my virginity as I was a 21st century virgin. Maybe it wouldn’t be as noticeable as if I were an 18th Century one. After all, I didn’t sit side-saddle on a horse; I rode bicycles and even used tampons. Surely, therefore, I could pass for an experienced woman. Maybe one day I would find that out but I couldn’t risk finding the answer here.

I guess I could ask Melinda to send me some funky old-style panties but then she’d know why I wanted them, and that was more personal than I wanted to be with her.

Other problems included the fact that, as an eighteenth birthday present, Melinda had paid for me to have laser hair removal done. Really she had given me this gift because she wanted to do it herself and didn’t want to do it alone. So every eight weeks she and I would go for the treatment and as a result, I have no hair on my lower legs and very little hair in my bikini area. To think I had been so thrilled with the results. I no longer had to shave my legs and I could throw on a bikini anytime and head to the beach without a second thought. Tonight however, I would have given my eye teeth to be a hairy cave girl with eighteenth century granny panties and the ironic part is that I wanted this, all to have sex with a man.

 

Chapters

13

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Andrew Esposito wrote 409 days ago

I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of your book. You have a nice clear voice throughout the writing and the hook to Newton's Plantation is enticing, Interesting plot, the rich romanticism of 18C Barbados is juxaposed well against 21C high tech, despite my initial reservations. The slave trade angle provides a multitude of emotions and socilal conundrums and certainly will hold many readers interest (the target market age being quite broad, I would think) . I've watchlisted your book and intend to read more, plus I've given it multiple stars. Good luck, you deserve to have your work read by many people! best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

katemb wrote 411 days ago

I have read to the end of chapter 3 so far. I'm really enjoying Katherine's exploration of 18th century America. I think the idea of a modern person experiencing the slave trade is a great premise and its certainly the kind of story I'd be attracted to buying.

I like your characters and the way Katherine is getting to know Joseph Newton. The love interest back in the present is a good hook too. I like the way she is immediately emotionally involved with the Newton family and too busy to connect with her team. The writing is very strong. I don't have many crits at all. I did find the tense wandered slightly from past to present. That makes me slightly unsure about whether there is a 'present' for the story, a place where she is telling the story from (I hope that makes sense!).

In the first chapter I'd suggest dramatising her presentation to the group rather than reporting as back story how she became interested in Barbados history. Also the physical descriptions of the team might work better there. They seemed out of place in chapter 2 - odd things to think about when you've just travelled back in time.

Apart from that I just had a couple of worries about the kitten - didn't it meet itself? And would the internet work? I like that it does.... but would it?

My shelf is full at the mo, but I'll keep this on my watch list and star highly. If anything I wrote up there isn't clear, do get in touch!
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

blizz2be wrote 154 days ago

A good read. I could see the internet squeezing thru a pin hole size worm hole. Maybe a 1MB bandwidth. For a human being to be transported a much larger hole with a lot more bandwidth would be required.

I would like her to be a little more scientist/detective. What change in history occurred by saving the child Thomas?.She could have checked the internet. Maybe had to make a hard decision not to save the boy.

Maybe 2 travelers one white and one black. Address how easy it was for the white woman to adjust to the 18th century. That would certainly add to the drama.

Daniel6394 wrote 202 days ago

M.G.
Well done. I read three chapters. I'll be back for more. Well written and interesting plot and story. Very good approach to time travel, but why not call it, in your text, what it is: A time machine? Congratulations! No question but, in my humble opinion, your work well deserves to reach the ED, hardly a waste of their time. Six stars and a place on my WL.
I'd appreciate a return read with comment(s) and stars. If you think it worthy, a place on your WL. Even better a place on your shelf.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

Mademoiselle Nobel wrote 357 days ago

~The Slave Owner by M. G. Durant~

THE SLAVE OWNER is an exciting, fast-paced and easy read that left me wanting more!

I love the characters and the lab sounds so cool! I love their little hunts, too: the scene with the two elderly tramps cooking the chicken is hilarious! Poor chicken, lol!

Six stars and highly recommended! A huge well done, Michelle! I really can’t wait to read the rest!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Here are just a few suggestions:

Chapter One:

NOTE: Before ‘I said,’ ‘I replied,’ etc, make sure there’s a comma after the last word in the character’s speech.

● I was the reason this was all going to work and[,] therefore[,] I was prepared...
● You’re up very early,” I said[, which made her jump]
● “...you scared the crap out of me[,] [s]he said...
● There were many times during that period [where] we felt we could actually...
●...and I haven’t been able to sleeps since[,]
● The morning of the fourth day[,] we were all up early.
● Just before seven[,] Jack headed outside impatiently
● “...Have you seen it [by any chance]?” (Perhaps a slight change of syntax here?)
● It had been a success [all the same].
● Looking slightly worried[,] they all raised their hands.
● “Are you sure you want to do this[,] Kat?”

Steppe Warrior wrote 380 days ago

Example-- "crystal clear waters." Choose one strong modifier, something unique (stronger) because about 1,000,000 writers have already used the phrase. Tighten.

"...so excited that we began to run in that direction...." I hate the word "that," especially when used twice in linking seven words. Re-phrase.

I'm putting this on my Watchlist. Good idea for a novel. Perhaps I'll find a scrid of humanity within, so I'll be back. Revise, make it better, revise again. Find ways to change things like, "I retrieved my hand from his grip and pushed up into a sitting position but he grabbed my hand." Overly "handy."

Bea Sinclair wrote 383 days ago

One of the most original and thought provoking stories on the site. High stars and backed. Yours Bea

L_MC wrote 386 days ago

Hi MG. I've read four chapters and I like the premise to this story. It's a different blend of genre than anything else I've read here. A nice modern twist to historical romance.

The idea that Kat will have to confront slavery and how she deals with that is intriguing.

I do read some science fiction, but am no expert in it, so I'm not sure how sci-fi fans will react to some of the travelling concepts - the idea that the internet still works and the experiment with the kitten. The consequences of time travel always put my head in a spin. However, I can see where you were/are going with these concepts and I like the idea of them.

From the romance angle, showing her kiss and relationship with Jack in her own time is a good contrast to the relationship the pitch promises will develop with Mr Newton. Kat does seem a bit naive (almost giving the story a YA feel), which I can appreciate if she has lead a sheltered life, wrapped in her studies and work.

A few crit notes I made as I read:
There are instances where it feels like there is some mixing of tense, e.g 'I was the reason this is all...'

There's a fair bit of backstory being introduced in the opening chapter. The opening would have more impact, for me, if it jumped straight into the conversation about the dream, or even the meeting. The backstory could be introduced later.

There are a few occasions where you've used capitalisation that didn't seem necessary

Few typos, like, 'There was also and a large basin...' but they can easily be worked out on an edit.

So, overall, something different that has lots of potential to be an interesting blend.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 392 days ago

The Slave Owner

I’ve returned to read more. I hope I can be helpful, I really do like the originality of the plot and Kat is the sort of character I’m drawn to.

Ch 4

“Crap!” Quite. I like how you deal with every part of Kat’s experience. These are totally the sorts of things you’d actually worry about.

“…worrying that I would definitely run out of medication.” This is very fussy, but I would expect to see someone worrying about the possibility of something, rather than something which was definite.

I like that Kat isn’t very confident with baby Sarah. She’s so capable in lots of ways, and I love to see her struggle with something supposedly innately female.

Ch 5
I don’t know if it adds much to call the highchair “old-fashioned.” It’s all pretty old. Unless it’s even older than everything else there, of course.

The man with the milk is no more a stranger to Kat than any other, and he’s doing a kind, gentle thing for a baby. I don’t understand why she’d find him particularly frightening.

Ch 6

I think you explained in a satisfactory enough way that the Sender is able to send the internet connection into the past, in the same manner as it did Kat and her posessions. I don’t think she needs to be surprised by it now, or suggest that time travel is a state of mind. You’ve invented the Sender - make it work however you want!

I would have liked some sort of internal reaction from Kat to Mr Newton’s assertion that slaves can never be trusted.

That’s as far as I can go for now, but I’m enjoying this a great deal.

Lucy

Cara Gold wrote 392 days ago

{The Slave Owner} – M.G. Durant

What a lovely premise – nice original blend of ideas and genres! I was very excited to begin reading. Great opening, catchy and engaging. I also like the hook at the end where ‘it was time for bed before excitement turned to fear.’… you had my interest and I wanted to see where things would lead.

I loved the time travel, and the way we jump straight into it. Chapter 2 begins well to draw the reader into the scene – great to begin with a description of the feelings, as opposed to events! Chapter 3 and the story is beginning to unravel. Interesting characters and I’m particularly looking forward to how Katherine is going to deal with the confronting issue of slavery – I liked the bit that she had to remember the times she was in.

A few small suggestions for you that I hope will be useful! All humble suggestions of course, feel free to take/leave/agree/disagree with anything :)

At times, careful of overusing the word ‘was’ → can eliminate the passive voice to make scene a little more active/ ‘show’ feelings etc more.
e.g. in chapter 1:
1) ‘He was determined’ → this could be reworded to show Jack’s determination. Describe the line of his jaw, firmly set, the glint in his eyes with almost a vicious edge to them, etc
2) ‘This was strange’ → simply describe the scenario and make the readers come to the conclusion that is strange, themselves
3) ‘I was as certain as ever’ → could be something like ‘Never before had there been such an assured fire glowing inside me’ just an example of rewording to create more feeling, so the reader experiences this assurance for themselves
4) On another note ‘Barbados is a beautiful place’ → I’d cut this and just launch into describing the crystal clear waters, and sun-baked pure sands… again, making the reader come to a conclusion themselves is more powerful
5) ‘It was an emotional affair’ → describe the mood at the dinner table, give us more of a picture.
6) ‘it was incredibly good’ (for the kiss), would be great to have some more sensual description here especially!
Several other points:
Chapter 2:
1) The description of the feeling at the beginning – I’d reword a little; ‘An incredible sensation washed over me, sweeping me into whirlwind.’ → or something as opposed to ‘was weird and incredible’, so the chapter has a more active intro
2) ‘Melinda… perfect body. She also enhances her body’ → repetition here; perhaps ‘She also flaunts her figure by wearing clothes that show off..’
Chapter 3:
1) ‘sweating profusely’ perhaps a little cliché? How about ‘… by the time I reached it, sweat was dripping down…’ and have some more imagery or something, just a thought
2) ‘this story was all being fabricated as it came out of my mouth’ → not sure if this sentence works because there are two subjects 1 with ‘I replied nervously’ and 2 the story with ‘was all being fabricated’ → perhaps ‘I replied nervously, fabricating the story right in that moment.’ That way, Katherine is the subject throughout the entire sentence – and she is nervous because of fabricating the story/it is linked, make sense?
3) ‘Nevertheless it made me uncomfortable’ → I’d expand upon this a little more. Her reflection on ‘I had to remember the times I was in and how slaves were viewed…’ feels a little detached, given what slavery is. I think a little more emotional jarring here would be good for the reader. Perhaps she is overwhelmed at first, but then swallows, suppressing those emotions ‘struggling to remember the times and how slaves were treated’
4) ‘Most of the Drip stones…’ in the previous sentence you use the word ‘filtered’ and in this one you use the word ‘filter’. As you already have three adjectives describing the water in previous one (cool, filtered and clean), I’d eliminated and just say (cool and clean into a clay jug) → removes repetition.
5) Perhaps; ‘I lay on it without a second thought, falling asleep immediately’ → more active falling asleep?

Anyway overall this is great so far and I’m looking forward to continuing after clearing a few more reading debts! I hope my feedback will be useful for you, not only to polish these important opening chapters, but to keep things in mind for the rest of the story… I’ve starred you highly anyway, all the best! Thanks so much for your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’ , and the very encouraging comment :)
Have a terrific day
Cara

upforgrabs wrote 393 days ago

I've read most of chapter one, I'm enjoying it and rating 5 stars so far because it's an excellent and engaging story. However, I do have issues with some aspects of your grammar, punctuation and word-choice. In dialogue, you frequently use full-stops where you should have commas; there are some words capitalized which shouldn't be (like "Government" and "Vet"); there are occasional over-long sentences and jarring changes of tense in paragraphs; and despite the fact that this book is aimed at young readers, you use a lot of "jargon" words, like "conceptualized" and "formulated". (Suggest changing to "conceived" and "devised.") Sometimes the tone is witty and informal, sometimes it is rather more serious. You'll notice from my past reads that I always give this kind of detailed critique (I'm not one to comment on the merits of a narrative - leave that to someone else) and you shouldn't feel downhearted by this review. Rather, use the suggestions made here to strengthen your manuscript. I'm giving 5 stars because I see potential in the story, I just think you need to work on a few technical aspects.

The idea of teenage researchers being allowed to develop time travel with U.S. government money OUTSIDE of a heavily armed institution is amusingly ludicrous, as you no doubt intended. Think about it - the technology to travel back in time (and alter past events?) has got to be the most dangerous thing ever conceived - it's worse than handing the plans to nuclear weapons to hormonal kids to experiment with! But then, plenty of stories have ridiculous concepts and mine's no exception.

Wish you well with this. Great premise, I'm interested to see where it goes.

James

“I was the reason this is all going to work and therefore I was prepared to fight for my rights” – slightly clumsy sentence, there’s a change of tense part-way through (“this is all going to work”) and I feel the word “therefore” isn’t needed. Does this sound smoother? “I was the reason this was all going to work and I was prepared to fight for my rights.”


“‘God, you scared the crap out of me.’ She said” – typo there, the full-stop should be a comma and the “She” should be lower-case.

“‘I did, but I want to read it over one more time.’ I replied.” – again, that full-stop needs to be a comma. Hate to bring you up points out grammar but you did mention the importance of good grammar on your profile page! Also “I replied” feels unnecessary. There are only two characters speaking and we know who’s replying. “ ‘How about you? I thought you had finished everything last night.’ ‘I did, but I want to read it over one more time.’”

“done the amazing feat” – how about “performed the amazing feat” ?

“ten year old nerds” – hyphenate, “ten-year-old nerds”. Again, sorry to be a grammar whore!

“United States Government” – this is probably subjective but does “Government” need a capital?

“on-going experimentation” – would “on-going experiments” run smoother?

“gave up on our dream entirely” – silly nitpick and feel free to ignore, but I think this would sound better without the “on”. “gave up our dream entirely.”

Again, punctuation is an issue – why the full-stops when commas are needed? In dialogue, only use a full-stop at the end of the sentence. When it’s followed by a dialogue tag (“X said,” “Y replied”) you need a comma.

I know these are whiz-kids who are, presumably, very verbose and show-offy about it as well (though so far they speak like ordinary teenagers), but I get the feeling that this is a book aimed at young readers so why so much high-level vocabulary? “whose strongest attribute was his ability to fabricate whatever ideas we conceptualized”. “attribute” and “fabricate” I think you can get away with, but “conceptualized” is pushing it a little. “conceptualized” is very much a jargon word, seen in technical manuals and very rarely in fiction! “conceived” might be more suitable.

“It is circular in shape” – why the shift in tense? The previous sentence was past (“looked very impressive”) but this is present. Make it past, otherwise it’s jarring. “It was circular in shape”

“chosen a chicken” – nothing wrong with this but would “selected a chicken” sound better? Although I do like the alliteration

“our first time travel experiment” – nothing wrong per se here, but we know what this experiment is so why do we need the “time travel”? In fact the words “time travel” appear several times in this chapter. Just “our first experiment.” Or even “our trial run.” “We had selected a chicken for the trial run.”

“it would validate all of our years of hard work” – “of” is unneeded, imo. You don’t want two “of”s so close together. “it would validate all our yours of hard work.”

“which allows whatever” – again, it’s the shift into present tense. Don’t know if this is deliberate but the tense-changing feels disorientating. “The Sender had two travel options: ‘Sent Mode,’ which allowed whatever was placed on the Sender to be sent; or ‘Travel Mode,’ which sent the Sender along with its contents to a new time.” N.B. the semi-colon after “options” has been changed to a colon.

“guinea pig” – should it be “guinea-pig” ?

“From our driveway, our view of the park” – three repetitions of the word “our” in this sentence. Change the first to “the.” “From the driveway, our view of the park”

“our view of the park was hindered by the many tall trees” – is “hindered” the right word? Do you mean “blocked”? Or “obstructed”?

Punctuation again. Comma after “codgers.” Should be a full-stop if “We” is the start of a new sentence. Otherwise, keep the comma and make “We” lower-case.

“so that the search would be more direct” – “that” is dead weight, a word that adds nothing and slows the sentence. “so the search would be more direct” flows more smoothly.

“before continuing on” – as with the above, “on” is an unnecessary word. Just “before continuing”

“standing in front of the car” – since the word “car” appeared in the previous sentence, maybe think about using a different word? “It was John’s red Mercedes and John was standing in front of the vehicle”

I’m beginning to understand the shift into present tense now, with your description of John. It brings an informal tone to the story. I still think it’s the sort of you should avoid, though. I’ve never attended creative writing classes but I have read a lot of books on the subject and that’s one of the big ‘no no’s! Tense should stay consistent within a scene unless it’s handled skillfully and carefully. –> “John, a man in his late fifties with a harsh face and sour disposition, was our boss, he wrote our paychecks, sorted our bills and reported our achievements to his superiors but other than that, much to his disgust, he has no real control over anything we do.” – > Feel this sentence should be broken up. Insert a sentence break after “boss.” “John, a man in his late fifties with a harsh face and sour disposition, was our boss. He wrote our paychecks…”

“I’ve never seen a cat moving so quickly” – don’t you mean “move so quickly?” That sounds more natural dialogue.

“nearest Vet” – why is “vet” given a capital? It isn’t a professional title like “Doctor” or “Judge.” One doesn’t write “I’m going to the Dentist”, any more than one writes “I’m taking the dog down to the Vet.” Needs to be lower-case.

“clean bill of health” – OK, maybe you’ll get away with this given the non-serious style of the story but it *is* a cliché. I’ve been working hard at scrubbing clichés out of my own story but there may still be a few… some are more acceptable than others, though.

“As was planned” – don’t you mean “As we had planned” ?

“pushed the Send button” – you had “pushed the Send button” before. Why not a simpler “pushed Send” ? “As we had planned, on Sunday we had placed the healthy kitten on the Sender, pushed Send and watched her disappear.”

- Also: bit more “showing” here. An animal just disappearing in a time distortion or something… you need to give a visual description. How does the creature disappear? Like in Star Trek, the whooshing noise and blue light effect? Or does she just pop out of existence? Come on, give us an image here!

“We sat in silence for about an hour, both engrossed in our own work and then feeling that I had done all that I could to my presentation, I returned to my room to change out of my nightdress in preparation for our discussion.” – Very long sentence that should be split. There’s a change in perspective from “we” to “I” as well, without even a comma to break them up. Also, look for all the unnecessary “that”s in your work and take them out. “We sat in silence for an hour, engrossed in our work. At last, satisfied with my presentation, I returned to my room to change out of my nightclothes and prepare for our discussion.”

“I jumped up immediately” – “at once” instead of “immediately” ?

“I had kept it from the others for maximum impact.” – I like this sentence but do you think “maximum effect” would sound better?

“Being a child of divorce” – I’ve never heard the phrase “child of divorce” before, but this could just be more. “Being a child from a broken family” might be a better phrasing. If nothing else that gives the reader a more emotional sense of who this character is.

“knew no one of my age” – lose “of.” “knew no one my age”

“or intelligence” – lol! Bit of a big-head, isn’t she? 

“Barbadian history” – is “Barbadian” an actual word? I’ve never heard it before! “the history of Barbados in particular” ?

“formulated a plan” – is “formulated” a word one normally encounters in fiction? “devised a plan” is more standard wording. Besides geek super-geniuses, who uses the word “formulated”?

“I had come upon” – to avoid having two “had”s in this sentence, consider changing this to a simpler “came.” “One summer… I came upon a diary written by Nana Olton, an educated negro woman, who had described life…”

Lucy Middlemass wrote 399 days ago

The Slave Owner

This is a very accomplished story. It’s just the sort of thing I enjoy reading, with a MC I can identify with right from the beginning. The chicken being cooked is a gorgeous surprise.
Would you consider a slightly more attention grabbing title. I thought “The Slave Owner’s Handbook.” Horrible, of course. You are probably quite attached to your title though!
I’m not convinced that any journey back in time would mean an encounter with cruelty. Some journeys, but surely not all?
“Fabricate” makes me think of making something up (a lie, I suppose) before it makes me think build.
The description of the team’s physical appearance at the end of Ch 2 seems a bit out of place. I’m not sure that’s what would be on Kat’s mind.
The boy is her half-brother, not her step-brother, because he is actually her father’s son, rather than belonging to just his new wife.
I’ve read up to the end of your third chapter. I found the description of the rooms a little slow, but Kat’s gentle treatment of the little boy is enjoyable. I would buy this book. I love your feminist MC and that you don’t get bogged down with the scientific detail of the time travel. Off she goes, and we get on with it. Wonderful stuff and a contender for my shelf at some point.

Lucy

Pretzki wrote 401 days ago


Your attempts to write the back story into the first few paragraphs give your work a juddering start, and although I found your dialogue easy to read, your characters lack the individuality to take a life of their own.

Emma.L.H. wrote 408 days ago

Smooth narrative voice, great characters and descriptions and well edited; I didn't spot any typos. Highly starred and will be back to read more soon. Well done.

Andrew Esposito wrote 409 days ago

I enjoyed reading the first few chapters of your book. You have a nice clear voice throughout the writing and the hook to Newton's Plantation is enticing, Interesting plot, the rich romanticism of 18C Barbados is juxaposed well against 21C high tech, despite my initial reservations. The slave trade angle provides a multitude of emotions and socilal conundrums and certainly will hold many readers interest (the target market age being quite broad, I would think) . I've watchlisted your book and intend to read more, plus I've given it multiple stars. Good luck, you deserve to have your work read by many people! best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

katemb wrote 411 days ago

I have read to the end of chapter 3 so far. I'm really enjoying Katherine's exploration of 18th century America. I think the idea of a modern person experiencing the slave trade is a great premise and its certainly the kind of story I'd be attracted to buying.

I like your characters and the way Katherine is getting to know Joseph Newton. The love interest back in the present is a good hook too. I like the way she is immediately emotionally involved with the Newton family and too busy to connect with her team. The writing is very strong. I don't have many crits at all. I did find the tense wandered slightly from past to present. That makes me slightly unsure about whether there is a 'present' for the story, a place where she is telling the story from (I hope that makes sense!).

In the first chapter I'd suggest dramatising her presentation to the group rather than reporting as back story how she became interested in Barbados history. Also the physical descriptions of the team might work better there. They seemed out of place in chapter 2 - odd things to think about when you've just travelled back in time.

Apart from that I just had a couple of worries about the kitten - didn't it meet itself? And would the internet work? I like that it does.... but would it?

My shelf is full at the mo, but I'll keep this on my watch list and star highly. If anything I wrote up there isn't clear, do get in touch!
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

Mgdurant wrote 414 days ago

Thanks I will go back and read the number of I's.
Re: Neither of the other two.... Neither always takes the singular verb was. I don't know if grammatically it is acceptable to pluralise it in American English but not British English. Neither is the subject here and it is singular.
I really hope you get to read some more because you have just managed to read the part of the book I dislike the most. I love here actual journey back to Barbados. Thanks again! Much appreciated!.

The Slave Owner. I think you need to transpose the 'more much' in your short pitch, which is otherwise great. The long pitch entices me on, intrigued at this imaginative way of delving into history.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. If you read through that first paragraph, I dont know how many 'I's you will count! It's easily remedied. But it would be well to watch out for other repetitions too close together: still.

My, that's young even for a group of nerds!

Other words to watch out for are the vague / unnecessary ones which can spoil the flow of a story: actually, really, very. (Ch.2) also.
That's a great name - the Circle Sender.

I think you mean neither of the other two were as keen. But you dont need both that phrase and the guinea-pig metaphor. One is enough.
Love that brilliantly amusing end to the chicken!
If I were the narrator, I wouldnt want to be the guinea-pig - not after those two accidents.... she's one very focussed woman.

This is a brilliant first chapter, and a wonderfully romantic hook for us to come back to.

Ch.2. Check on the number of 'I's again -
A good 'natural' touch, the start-up tune on the computer. And your characters are so human.
The self-description of the narrator is a bit contrived, dont you think? You could maybe have Jack complement her in the previous chapter, or have her look at herself in a mirror, or something...

I must stop now, but have w/listed yours for futher reading - I love your book!
Meanwhile, multi-starred, and thankyou again for your support of mine at this crucial time as I climb to the ED.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

jlbwye wrote 414 days ago

The Slave Owner. I think you need to transpose the 'more much' in your short pitch, which is otherwise great. The long pitch entices me on, intrigued at this imaginative way of delving into history.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. If you read through that first paragraph, I dont know how many 'I's you will count! It's easily remedied. But it would be well to watch out for other repetitions too close together: still.

My, that's young even for a group of nerds!

Other words to watch out for are the vague / unnecessary ones which can spoil the flow of a story: actually, really, very. (Ch.2) also.
That's a great name - the Circle Sender.

I think you mean neither of the other two were as keen. But you dont need both that phrase and the guinea-pig metaphor. One is enough.
Love that brilliantly amusing end to the chicken!
If I were the narrator, I wouldnt want to be the guinea-pig - not after those two accidents.... she's one very focussed woman.

This is a brilliant first chapter, and a wonderfully romantic hook for us to come back to.

Ch.2. Check on the number of 'I's again -
A good 'natural' touch, the start-up tune on the computer. And your characters are so human.
The self-description of the narrator is a bit contrived, dont you think? You could maybe have Jack complement her in the previous chapter, or have her look at herself in a mirror, or something...

I must stop now, but have w/listed yours for futher reading - I love your book!
Meanwhile, multi-starred, and thankyou again for your support of mine at this crucial time as I climb to the ED.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Karamak wrote 415 days ago

Wow, what an imagination you have and how you bring it to life! Very well written and absorbing highly stared. Karen, Faking it in France.

patio wrote 415 days ago

You have chosen a provocative title for a book with provocative content, or offensive if taken out of context. That simple mean that you are not afraid of challenge and you are brave. That was evident throughout your book as you travelled to various places.

There are a lot to this book. It demonstrated drive and determination and passion. It showed that age does not restrict success. Indeed, the main character was a high achiever from ten. I admire her.

You labelled The Slave Owner as fiction but the scenes and experiences played out in history, and in cases, in current days.

Overall, this is a fantastic book. Its crisp and flowed well.

6 STARS

Margaret Anthony wrote 416 days ago

On reading the pitch, I was a little unsure about the combination of genres, but it actually works quite well. For me, who is not that keen on Sci Fi, the opening chapter was not complicated and therefore I wasn't bogged down with intricate detail.
As for the story, the subject matter of slavery is always worth reading, a dark time in history, but an interesting one. I have read the first three chapters and need to read on, but it is holding my attention which is good. Well crafted characters and competent writing all add to the potential of this story which will have a place on my shelf shortly and is starred. Margaret.

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