Demon Rising

I haven't had the pleasure or opportunity to comment on many people's books on this site, yet, but I'm glad I took the time to do this for yours. I find your characters intriguing. Malphos is creepy as all get out and I'm desperate to learn more about Raum. I love the way you don't hold back in your descriptions. I can almost smell the violence as well as taste, feel, see, and hear it. Very well done. You will be getting a very good rating from me, Sir, and a backing as well.

HCGR
Demon Rising

Ipos has a great way of dealing with his petition for the custody of the child, “Raum Daemon. Love this first chapter. Raum is a truly tortured soul and this is well represented by his actions. The story roll’s along at a great pace and the characters, description and dialogue are well described. The chapters are crisp and to the point and read well.
I do not know where the “Lord of the Rings” or Harry Potter” analogies came from, utter tripe.
Loved this story and would, if the rest of the book continues with the same competence as the earlier chapters be happy to pay for it from a book-store.
I disagree with earlier criticisms that grammatical errors deter from this work. Typo’s! we all have them and I would sooner read a really good story with the occasional misplaced colon or comma, than a grammatically perfect load of shit. Don’t tell me that SK, DK or even JK Rowling do not have typo’s in their work. This is why there are proof-readers and Editor’s along the way and even they make mistakes. I once had a SK novel where the first chapter was repeated twice. If the only thing a critic can produce is that you never put “its” opposed to “it’s” then I suggest that they crawl back under their proverbial rock.
As for this story it is a well written piece and I thoroughly enjoyed the portion that I read.

HCG Review

I found this to be a solid, well-written piece that engaged my attention from the get-go, despite its rather unpleasant arrayal of a set of intestines. But the fact that such scenes can coexist alongside moments of wonderful poetry is what sets this book, in my opinion, far above the average for fantasy and horror. You move smoothly between otherworldly and “this-worldly” scenes (in quotation marks, because it isn’t quite this world) like an author who has complete control over her fictitious landscape. That’s not easy to achieve, especially when dealing with such disparate elements, but your sociological and mythical machinery never creak. I think your command of language is what gives the reader such a smooth ride. The interior monologues are never boring, and never strain for effect. It all flows so naturally, making the destinies of these anti-heroic characters quite seductive. However, you lost me at Chapter 5. I understand that such surprises may be necessary, but it seemed like too much of a surprise. How did Priest Grey suddenly turn into a witch-hunter? Given that this work is not a neat, chronological one, I may have to wait for the answer to my question. Fortunately, your skill assures me I won’t be disappointed.

This is a very gritty, scary piece and I love it. Your words to me make pictures that fly at me, straight off the page. High stars!!!

This is probably one of the most well written thing I've encountered on this site so far, and I've read some humdingers. I am startlingly impressed. I enjoy the concept of demons existing in our world and also the terrifying power of Malphas.

I'm going to rate this incredibly highly and back it.

-Joseph Sale

P.S. My own novel is called 'Wolf Rising' so we have a weird similarity between us - mine is a werewolf novel, but some of the ideas central to this, such as the "inner monster" struggling to get out, are also part of my story. Care to have a look?

Demon rising. Colleen, where did the idea of this book come from? You tell your story well and I cant even begin to imagine where the characters came from. I can see you have put a lot of effort into planning this book and its story line out and its not something you have just sat down and written. Whatever you do to keep the reader hooked is very clever. I havent got a clue what this not so obvious is but obviously you do. You dont see this too often in books and its a real talent. Keep going and I wish you luck.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? Happy New year. Sean

I loved the scene setting and descriptions of the characters. I am intrigued to find out more about the child. I only got the chance to read the first chapter but i will add to my watch list and return shortly to finish the other chapters. Very well done, a great read.
mark01684, Randall Crane and the Vampire of Whitechapel.
any chance you could give mine a read, I could do with the support.
Ta

Hello Colleen,
I decided on a whim to read the first two chapters of Demon Rising and I must say I'm glad I did. I enjoy being able to place myself into the worlds of each character I read and you paint a very appealing image of each. I will return to see how Raum deals with these inner thoughts. I love the deep emotional draw of Raum.


Manacor21
Lowly Afternoon Shadows

HCG Review – Demon Rising

I’ve read through chapter 3. Here’re my remarks as I read:

Makes you wonder what type of dad he’ll be… Interesting premise of demons having to vote on taking custody of a human being. The 1st chapter brings up a lot of questions and enough mystique that makes you wonder which way you’re going with the story.

Wow, the start of chapter 2 grabs you right away. Great descriptions. Q – you say “the thing within, writhing inside” (great line), but then say “he could feel them calling”. Was that intentional, going from singular to plural? It’s not understood in that paragraph.

You say he had shaved his head as a disguise, then say he brushed the black bangs away. Need to say whether he shaved his head bald or not.

“dumbfounded grin glued to his face” should have a comma after it before “he lifted the gun…” “His tears flowed like a river” is too clichéd. You have some great descriptions in this story, but watch out for clichés like this.

Chapter 2 leaves you asking, “So did he die?” and compels you to read on. I may even suggest that you start the book with this chapter, then lead into the 1st chapter.

“one that may not last eternity” should read “last for an eternity” or “last eternal.”

I love your description of the Ash Willow. Beautiful language. Great line - “as if a mighty hammer fell from heaven and split the earth.”

This is a complex story that’s beautifully written. I would love to return to read more, whenever I can find the time. Hope you get it into the stores!

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Beautifully evocative language

Wow, what a book!

Its a story deserved of being classed as a 'Terror' on account that it gets you akin to watching the news, and going, "urrgh" but you keep watching it unfold, as is the Human condition to sit still for such shock.

Well done, my friend. Well done!

HCG Review

I found this to be a solid, well-written piece that engaged my attention from the get-go, despite its rather unpleasant arrayal of a set of intestines. But the fact that such scenes can coexist alongside moments of wonderful poetry is what sets this book, in my opinion, far above the average for fantasy and horror. You move smoothly between otherworldly and “this-worldly” scenes (in quotation marks, because it isn’t quite this world) like an author who has complete control over her fictitious landscape. That’s not easy to achieve, especially when dealing with such disparate elements, but your sociological and mythical machinery never creak. I think your command of language is what gives the reader such a smooth ride. The interior monologues are never boring, and never strain for effect. It all flows so naturally, making the destinies of these anti-heroic characters quite seductive. However, you lost me at Chapter 5. I understand that such surprises may be necessary, but it seemed like too much of a surprise. How did Priest Grey suddenly turn into a witch-hunter? Given that this work is not a neat, chronological one, I may have to wait for the answer to my question. Fortunately, your skill assures me I won’t be disappointed.

HCG Review

I found this to be a solid, well-written piece that engaged my attention from the get-go, despite its rather unpleasant arrayal of a set of intestines. But the fact that such scenes can coexist alongside moments of wonderful poetry is what sets this book, in my opinion, far above the average for fantasy and horror. You move smoothly between otherworldly and “this-worldly” scenes (in quotation marks, because it isn’t quite this world) like an author who has complete control over her fictitious landscape. That’s not easy to achieve, especially when dealing with such disparate elements, but your sociological and mythical machinery never creak. I think your command of language is what gives the reader such a smooth ride. The interior monologues are never boring, and never strain for effect. It all flows so naturally, making the destinies of these anti-heroic characters quite seductive. However, you lost me at Chapter 5. I understand that such surprises may be necessary, but it seemed like too much of a surprise. How did Priest Grey suddenly turn into a witch-hunter? Given that this work is not a neat, chronological one, I may have to wait for the answer to my question. Fortunately, your skill assures me I won’t be disappointed.

HCG Review Demon Rising

The first thing that struck me about the tale was how well it is written. A wide vocabulary is used whilst keeping it tight and uncluttered shows the skills in putting it all together. Although sometimes I did have to reread certain sentences to grasp what was being said - although this could be due to my own stupidity.
I love the mythology used, especially the demonic history at the end of Chapter 2.

The gory scene depicted at the start of Chapter reminded me a little of Jack the Ripper and the Whitechapel Murders, espcially with her intestines draped everywhere. Now that's horrific :D

Ultimately I loved the start of the story and will read more as time allows. :)
Great work.
Ken

Hi Colleen,

I've never read story before all about demons, but I'm quite interested in different cultural and literary portrayals of demons. Your story starts out very interesting, with the demon council and Malphas claiming guardianship of Raum Demon. I imagined Raum's soreness and pain depicted in the opening of chapter two to be his body slowly becoming demonic, and the girl's broken and bloody corpse to be the work of a part of him awakening that he had barely begun to be aware of. Very chilling. After that, though, I wasn't sure if it had been his doing, and it was difficult to follow what was going on in the succeeding chapters. I'd be very excited to read a story of demon lords and kingdoms fighting amongst each other for power, and the dominion of Hell and the demon realms, like what the Crown Wars are described as being. I agree with Markal that the story starts to focus too much on backstory. You need action, and sometimes it's a lack of information that makes horror stories all the scarier . . .

I do love the book's cover.


Kestrelraptorial (Dragonraptor)

Hi Colleen, This is not my usual genre read but I thoroughly enjoyed the read. There are plenty of Knights, Demons, Priests, Gods and other things that I've never heard of before. Your action scenes really stood out.
It's very well written,edited and polished. I haven't read it all so I won't comment on the story as I haven't the full-story, if you know what I mean.
I wish you all the best.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'

DEMON RISING REVIEW (HCG pre-req #1)

Finishing chapter one, we find Malphas will be taking sole custody of his son, Raum…well, this should be interesting, he doesn’t really seem like the nurturing type ;)

HERE WE GO!! You certainly know how to write a gruesome scene. The beginning of chapter two is where the ‘horror’ really begins, and it made me a little nauseous… I mean that in a good way.

“Intestines lay draped over the television and dresser like…”-- This vivid image will stick with me for a while, haha.

“He went outside to check on the greenhouse, but it was fine”—I found myself reading this over a few times. Something about using ‘but’, when nothing in the latter part of the statement opposes the former doesn’t seem right to me—it very well may be just me, though. Maybe “He went outside to check if the storm had wrought damage on the greenhouse, but he found it to be fine.” Or just “He went outside to check the greenhouse. It was fine.” (Yeah, I’m really stretching for a criticism, because I try to throw something in…but you’re not making it too easy for me)

I read the suicide scene like I’m watching a movie—what I mean is that I can totally see it. I love how you incorporate the ‘itsy bitsy’ song into the scene, I love clever little image tricks like that…then the ‘echoing of the ring’ part…very clever, again.

I like the gazelle-maiden comparison at the end of chapter 2. Making death graceful.

I’m definitely going to keep reading as time permits, and I’ll be backing once I take a couple others off my shelf.

Hayley

HCG Review:
Demon Rising

Colleen,
Your writing is crisp and clear, no overly-done explanations, no in-depth descriptions of characters or their surroundings, which, all in all, leaves us to see this world for ourselves. I see that as a good thing.
Characters and dialogue are done well, and this helps your story move along, however, that's all it does, move along. I say that because, after reading three chapters, I really felt that nothing memorable, or exciting had happened. And when a story gets this way, it reads like it's nothing but backstory. Like you're just filling us in on what has taken place and leaving out the juicy bits. It feels like there's something missing, like you need to beef-it-up a bit in order to give the reader something to get his/her teeth into. Metaphorically speaking, you need to drop a dead body through the ceiling in order to grab hold of your reader and keep them there.

Mark.

HCG review – Demon Rising

Your writing is beautiful and I found this a compelling read if not slightly confusing in parts, but I must commend you on your research into Demonology and the hierarchy in Hell.

Your descriptions about the Omens, Ash Willow and the Ebon continent are deeply rich and disturbing; I get the feel of a ravaged Africa with luxuriant dark colours and brittle mountain sides destroyed by a celestial war.

I also liked the order you’ve place on Ebon giving it history that is steeped in conflict.

All of these descriptions almost sear themselves into the mind’s eye making you want to read on.

Now I will explain my confusion – After the telephone conversation with Priest Grey in Ch 2 we flash forward to Ch 4 where the priest is escorting Raum to the hospital to visit Sandy and Raum is shocked to discover she is dead. The point I’m making is would the police not have informed him as the first point of inquiry after Sandy told her father she may be going to visit him?

My biggest confusion came in Ch 5 after Raum’s murder by priest Grey and his unquestioning acceptance that he is dead and that he has knowledge of his demon ancestry.

On a whole though I like the dark tale you have woven. I hope I haven’t been too picky, but feel that if these points were ironed out this would be a brilliant read.

Hope this has been helpful to you. Good luck.

Hi Colleen,
thank you.
Kind Regards
Lenny

Hi Colleen, thank you for being honest. I would suggest you check out someones message history to see if they are genuine. As you will see, I have return read everyone that has read mine, I am enjoying reading everyones work.
Kind Regards
Lenny

HCGR
Demon Rising

Ipos has a great way of dealing with his petition for the custody of the child, “Raum Daemon. Love this first chapter. Raum is a truly tortured soul and this is well represented by his actions. The story roll’s along at a great pace and the characters, description and dialogue are well described. The chapters are crisp and to the point and read well.
I do not know where the “Lord of the Rings” or Harry Potter” analogies came from, utter tripe.
Loved this story and would, if the rest of the book continues with the same competence as the earlier chapters be happy to pay for it from a book-store.
I disagree with earlier criticisms that grammatical errors deter from this work. Typo’s! we all have them and I would sooner read a really good story with the occasional misplaced colon or comma, than a grammatically perfect load of shit. Don’t tell me that SK, DK or even JK Rowling do not have typo’s in their work. This is why there are proof-readers and Editor’s along the way and even they make mistakes. I once had a SK novel where the first chapter was repeated twice. If the only thing a critic can produce is that you never put “its” opposed to “it’s” then I suggest that they crawl back under their proverbial rock.
As for this story it is a well written piece and I thoroughly enjoyed the portion that I read.

This is great!!!

Just the story type I wanted to find here on Autonomy!

Six stars for you Elton and on my shelf!

Bimmer

HCG Review

Well this certainly is horrific!

All the demon nomenclature at the beginning was a bit much but it was easy enough to get into the story. The pace is great. A few little language turns that pulled me out of the story, but is is a compelling read.

I haven't had the pleasure or opportunity to comment on many people's books on this site, yet, but I'm glad I took the time to do this for yours. I find your characters intriguing. Malphos is creepy as all get out and I'm desperate to learn more about Raum. I love the way you don't hold back in your descriptions. I can almost smell the violence as well as taste, feel, see, and hear it. Very well done. You will be getting a very good rating from me, Sir, and a backing as well.

Went back through first three chapters again Colleen of "Demon Rising". Raum is a compelling tortured character at angst with his transgressions. I want to get more of a description of him in my mind. I see subtle descriptive details spaced at intervals but a full physical and psychological profile would reallly rocket this into the stratosphere.

Narrative moves well and good build up of tension and foreshadowing. Flesh the characters and world a little bit more and this will take launch well.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Fantastic work. A really engrossing read.
From
John Stearn
Author of DERILIUM

Hi Colleen,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions and should be taken for whatever they’re worth. Feel free to disregard what you disagree with.
Chapter One
What does “demon-dead” mean?
Should be a comma after “Ipos”
“Council” needn’t be capitalized here
Your imagery, while very good at times, seems to rely too heavily on formulaic order and adverbs. This makes the writing delve into telling vs. showing. Just something to consider.
“Fools” We might need a bit more elaboration here, as we don’t have any context as to why they’re fools.
The semicolon after “It wasn’t over” should be a comma. Semicolons are generally reserved for separating distinct, but connected independent clauses. What follows is a subordinate clause that continues the thought, so a semicolon is not appropriate.
This is a great opening. It’s more of a prologue than a chapter and perhaps should be labeled as such, but it’s a strong opening.
Chapter Two
What is a rotten, soreness? Imagery should be clear so that the reader doesn’t have to think on it. Otherwise, rather than serving to enhance the story and scene as it ought to, it slows the pace and distracts.
It’s a small thing, but “motel room’s darkness” is kind of clunky and odd. Is the darkness possessed by the motel room? That could also open the doors to interpretation that the motel room had evil qualities. Might be a smoother read to simply say “the darkness in the motel room.”
“His muscles felt as though they were trying to knit themselves back together.” Excellent imagery! Though, I wonder if “ripped fibre by ripped fibre” isn’t too much. I mean, have his muscles ripped? We don’t yet know the extent of his injury.
I think “pained body and aching fingers” is unnecessary and redundant. We already know he is in pain. Don’t need to keep repeating it.
Did the scent of blood seep into his brain or did the blood itself actually seep in? This isn’t clear and I think it goes back to the word choice of seep. Also, if it’s the scent, you shouldn’t have to describe it hitting his brain. It’s clear once you say that it’s been picked up by the nostrils. The science of how smell works is just overkill and could become confusing.
“He sat up quickly” I’d delete quickly. Again, be careful not to over rely on adverbs for your imagery.
“thrumming in his chest and keeping almost perfect time with the steady flicker from the lamp’s pale light.” This is excellent imagery, because it gives us info on two things that are happening concurrently. One, it shows us how the MC is feeling his heart beat harder. Two, it shows us that he is focusing on the flicker of flame from the candle. Some might argue that one would not make the connection of the similar rhythms amidst such heightened emotion, but I think it works, because it would make sense for him to focus on the light in the darkness. Nicely done.
Would he be able to clearly see the bloody smiling face in the darkness?
This is a harrowing and chilling tale, which is just my kind of story. Your biggest strength is your pacing in the structure of the story. My biggest suggestion for improvement is to reevaluate some of your imagery. While you have some amazing descriptions, a couple examples noted in my comments above, you often rely too heavily on patterned lists of adverbs and adjectives. I think you’re a much better writer than that (seriously, some of your descriptions give me goose bumps).
Just some things to consider. Really, very well done. Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Colleen,
I followed Raum, raised by a demon, being a bane to the humans he resides among. Ironically, he is a sympathetic character trapped in a role not of his choosing, seeking freedom from all the bloodletting required of him. Your narrative prose is straightforward and easy to digest, your dialogue peppy and to the point. Your descriptives conjure up vivid scenes that fill one's imaginings. Thank you so much or the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This really has everything, and it's very impressively written. “One shell fired into his head” in Chapter 2 is shocking and effective. The unveiling of the substantially-eaten body of Sandy in Chapter 4 is masterful, and the way the story progresses in Chapter 3 is very coolly handled - the car hitting the garbage, lots of movement. It works well. The description of the way Allu communicate in Asag’s head in chapter 6 is fascinating, “it wasn’t as simple as merely thinking a sentence”. Intriguing characters and a very strong idea. There’s even a rock band, CrystM! Tremendous imagination. I’m not surprised this is doing well. Good luck and well done.

Sorry this review took so long to get to you, but it's better late than never. I had time to read two chapters this morning and thought this was a good read, easy to follow with an interesting character in Raum. What happens at the beginning of chapter two makes one think twice about him, very gruesome, but since he never remembers what happens maybe it isn't really him. Possibly. One can only hope or it could be a parasitic demon living through him, taking over his body during these blackouts. Raum does see it in his mind. Anyway, I like the premise, and your writing style is clean and without errors. All the best, Marita.

I've had this open in a tab for several days now, flicking to it then back to work. Figured it was time to say something. Brilliant story.
There I said it.

Seriously though, each chapter appears to be a well thought out independent story. Just as it should be.
There are a few minor punctuation issues that look like you've done a quick edit then moved on but left a comma instead of a full stop; things like that. outside of that your paragraphs, just like your chapters, are well constructed neat and tidy.

By chapter 3 I knew I was in for constant refreshments. Then came chapter 4. what happened? it looks like a different writer took over the work. i was expecting it to be different but this was extreme. Still brilliant work, but it starts to become too many conflicting writing styles for me to keep up with. loses a lot of flow.

As for the story line. I fell in love with the internal struggle of a demonic hero figure years ago so this was right up my alley. No complaints about character or direction. 5/6 only cause it's chopping too often from chapter to chapter. otherwise it's a 6.

I saw this book and it intrigued me, as I'm a fan of dark fantasy. Your writing blends fantasy and horror with a fascinating mythology. This is really well-written, especially the imagery, which is vivid and in places quite graphic. Your idea is original and overall, the book has great promise. I'll be rating this highly! Great stuff.

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Straight to the story, different, well written and interesting. Love it and will read more.
best wishes

Chris

This is strong creative writing. I like the originality of your concept too. The dialogue and story flow well. I will continue to read on and review.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

After the first two chapters I was forced to stop. The situation with Raum brought back too many memories of an incident that occcurred while I was in law enforcement. If anything, that indicates the realism the writer imparts to Raum's dark world. Although I dare not finish it because of the reaction it caused, I would highly recommend it to others. - Gao Zuojia
Might I request that you return the read and check out Kailai and the Dragon Prince? Another book that may interest you is Dust in the WInd. A well-written, dark tale.

These chapters read as though they are much shorter than they are and I think that's a testament to your writing, with some books on the site it's a struggle to get through three chapters but here I just glided through half a dozen in a relatively short period of time.

I'm not sure about the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter comment below, I really don't see the similarity. Not that that's a bad thing. Tolkien is pure fantasy and let's face it, Potter is a kids book, whereas this is neither. It's better.

If I'm honest I did prefer the chapters with Raum as although they were all easy to read I did have a suspicion that I wasn't quite grasping all of the demonic politics, chapter one aside, or the set up of their world. At times it felt as though I should already understand things about your mythology when I didn't, but I don't believe that more explanation would help. I would in fact suggest a simplification at times and maybe spread out the information a bit more. This however is just my opinion, the best idea is to get as many reviews as possible and then consider any action you may take based upon the general view.

Favourite scene: the gallows and the crow. This was very atmospheric, as was the incey wincey spider / gun scene.

Overall I really liked this. It was different, it was visceral in places, and it combines horror with fantasy in a way in which is rarely carried off so well (mixing the real world and fantasy worlds helps with this, to me horror is more effective when grounded in reality).

My only nitpick: when the priest rings Raum and Raum swears at him I would have expected some sort of reaction from the priest rather than just carrying on with the conversation.

I'll end by wishing you good luck with it, and I'll be keeping an eye on your progress. If you do want to gather up as many readers as you can you could drop by the Horror Critique Group in the forums, unless you have done already.

Best wishes,

James

This is a very different read for me its not my usual genre But I am enjoying what I have read so far.The story has an eerie feel throughout which fits in perfectly with the plot. you write beautifully " every last bit of his soul ached" Brilliant. Highly starred. Will read more.

Lord of the Ring & Harry Potter related novel. Its dark with mystical theme and characters

Certainly it might appear as such...yet... Thank you for the comment I am flattered.

Lord of the Ring & Harry Potter related novel. Its dark with mystical theme and characters

This is good reading. I like the timeline shift in each chapter (although not quite sure if we are meant to know what the dates are). I assume reading further these will fuse together. Unfortunately I could only read the first 4 chapters due to other return read commitments.
But what I read so far, the writer has a good command of character dialogue. be it contemporary and / or mythical setting. Good structure and pace.
One small thing though that annoyed me. Chapter two paragraph with the wind. Try replacing the word 'stuff' with something a bit more descriptive, it ruined the way the scene was set. Trivial I know, but it can be the littles things that spoil a good read.
Well done writer and good luck with it. Should go down with all the fantasy / horror readers on this site...especially with entrails splattered over a tv set. yuck!! :-)
Overall highly rated / starred. Will W/L this for future reading when I get the time.
David (Madeline & TK)