Book Jacket

 

rank 230
word count 26873
date submitted 27.04.2012
date updated 24.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

Touched

simon cairnes

The glue that binds us together is coming apart...

 

In the aftermath of the Great Relocation the world has changed and people must live their lives in almost total isolation. A Network connector provides the only means of interacting with one another. At first it seemed a wondrous device, creating virtual worlds at the touch of a button, but then they discovered it had a defect. It made people sick. While they were on it, any form of physical contact made them nauseous and the more they used it, the worse it got until, one by one, they began to disappear.

It became known as Network Allodynia. Initially, just a few of them suffered its worst effects, but more soon followed. Amongst them was Luke. His need for company meant he could not give up the Network, despite knowing each trip hastened his slide into oblivion.

Now in the final throes of the 'disease', his only hope lies in finding a cure. It forces him to leave the security of his home and enter the darkest recesses of a strange and fragmented society, where he will become a target for those who stand in its shadows.

 
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tags

1984, dystopia, near future, parable, political, psychological, thriller, time machine

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85 comments

 

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Neville wrote 12 days ago

Touched.
By Simon Cairns.


I must say that this is a fantastic Sci-Fi thriller; it has all the hallmarks of ‘Big Brother’ watching you.
I love the way the book opens up, the intrigue, uncertainty and unexpected.
It’s a mind boggler and something out of the ordinary when we think of Sci-Fi.
It could well make a good film I thought.
It’s no good me explaining what I’ve read because it’s a damn good book all the way as others admit before me...they’re right of course and I endorse their opinion.
A very well written story that has one way to go...Up!
Well starred and will shelve when I can.

Neville.

One Off, Sir!
The secrets of the Forest (Series) - Cosmos 501.
The Secrets of the Forest (Series) - The Time Zone.


David 2012 wrote 107 days ago

Hi Simon,

I have been on Authonomy for about 5 months now and this is absolutely one of the more engaging stories I have found here. It is one of very few where I am actually curious about what happens to its characters. Interestingly enough, I think it is the information that is withheld that actually captures the reader's attention. I really only have one question and it is about the virtual world. The pub in which Nick meets his friends is characterized as having deteriorated in the 15 years in which they have been meeting there. At the same time, Nick and his friends have also deteriorated. I am curious whether or not it ever occurred to you to make the virtual world in which a given group of people habitually meet reflect the condition of those people; as they deteriorate, their 'world' also deteriorates.

You have a captivating story here, one that engages my imagination as few others have done on this site. From where I am sitting (judging) this one deserves to make it to the editor's desk.

David
Toccata and Fugue

Seven Everson wrote 45 days ago

Hi Simon,

You'll be on the editor's desk soon enough, I'm sure. Fabulous writing. Usually I find something to make comment about, but not in this case.

Okay, just one point. Chap 1, or the prologue or whatever it is: I'm not sure that you even need it. I couldn't work out if its set in the future and we then flash back to the present in chap one, or its set at the time of Relocation. To behonest, I igorned it once I got to chap 2 and just threw myself into the story because the story is so good.

I think your voice as the storyteller is much stronger and more compelling than the voice in the prologue (and the opening line in chapt 2 is extremely good), so unless this opening paragraph is absolutely CRUCIAL to the ENTIRE book, I'm not sure that you need it.

Great pitch - made me want to read it. Glad I did. I will back this book and shelf it in the future!

xxxSeven Everson
Ashes of Eden

Seringapatam wrote 118 days ago

Simply brilliant. I loved this and just know its going to do so well. You really do have a good narrative voice thats flows so well throughout the story. I read 4 chapters but found myself hooked into it at an early stage. I wish you luck with this but for me love it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Sean

NA Randall wrote 266 days ago

Simon,

I've just read the opening two chapters posted here. First off, I really liked your pitches, short and long. If I picked your book up in a bookshop and read the blurb, I'd definitely buy it.

You write wonderfully well here, with shades of Kafka and Orwell, you have created a nightmarish, claustrophobic atmosphere and backdrop to your dystopian-type tale that is both compelling and engaging. I like the italicized prologue section in chapter 1 - intriguing and effective. Luke is a great MC for the story, he is, at this early stage, sympathetic (his strange circumstances are such, the reader cares what happens to him), his voice resonates, the opening scene with him being sick setting up your story well. Moreover, you have the gift of being able to describe the surroundings in a few concise sentneces - outside, the robin, the greenhouses - and have left a nice hook at the end of chapter 2.

Minor points: In chapter 1, I think you're missing a word in 'some kind (of) perspective' or maybe 'some perspective' may work better. Not sure. In chatper 2 wasn't sure if you needed to qualify with 'with the clean up' as this could be cut. And home-made should have a hyphen.

But overall, one of the most original and well written pieces I've read on the site. Happy to give you a big star raiting and a long run on my shelf.

Best of luck with your writing

NA 'The Holy Drinker'

Liz Keane wrote 3 days ago

Hi Simon,

Liking this. A lot. But immediately I spot ways you could make the first paragraph really jump. (God I hate that one can't cut and paste within the comments page to make our lives easier). Usually I write out what the author has written then write my suggestions but in this case, I'll just write the praragraph with my recommendations:

The trip ended and Luke's body went into arching spasms, three, four five or them in quick succession. On the fifth one he opened his eyes, grabbed at the metal headset and ripped it off. He lunged forward and vomited a jet of acrid juices across the floor.
He groaned and sank back into the giant network chair.
"No, No . . .NO!" His words bounced around the empty room.

Sorry for taking such liberties, not sure if you can see why I thought they worked better or not so I'll explain a bit:

arching spasms - takes out the extra wording about the neck and back which slowed the pace, but "arching" describes the same thing.

I cut the sentence from opening eyes to vomiting to speed the pace. Also, the word "jet" inplies the "several feet: and is much more succinct. I would personally then turn the line over before he sinks into the chair, which visually (on the page) implies a period of time has past.

General, when people shout or exclaim, an excaimation mark looks good to support this. (I actually left in "he shouted", the realised you could trim this out too - its obvious he shouted)

Also, in the next para, you could full point after the word allodynia. A sentence should be broken or ended on each subject change (and short sharp sentences work better anyway - unless you're writing hisotrical drama!). There are a lot of sentences that need either more approriate punctuation to divide them up i.e. - ; : , or to be shortened into peices.

Okay, DEEP BREATH. That may have seem a little nit-picky, but I can't help myself. This is a GREAT novel and deserves your full editorial attention. One comment I seem to make a lot to people on this site is that when is reaches the editor's desk (which Touched WILL because its so good), they'll pass on it if they find too many grammatical oversights. Unless a novel is sheer unadulterated blinkingly bonkingly genius, they won't spend their time (read: MONEY) trying to fix it. They'll just say no and maybe, if you're lucky, tell you to fix it.

People are clearly loving this but I find that, rather than talking about how great your story is and how I think it might unfold and blah blah, I'd rather address the boring nuts and bolts. This story will take care of itself and you know where you are going with it. It took me ten years of reading Writer's Digest magazine to learn most of the things I needed to know (DON'T spend ten years doing this - buy one book instead). Even now someone has made corrections in another of my novels that I just didn't see, a kind of grammatical oversight that I have always made and no-one has ever pulled me up on.

The best thing an author can do (but admittedly I hardly ever do it), is to read the novel aloud as though you are story-telling to a very interested audience. You will instantly see where you naturally pause for dramatic effect or to take a breath, and this is where you will need to punctuate differently or end the sentence. You'll see also where there are simply too many words to describe something when less would do.

Sorry, very long-winded comment which I'm sure you will let rest in comment death at the very bottom of the pile, but I hope it's still of use to you. If you'd like me to point out some other things, I'm happy to do so, but I have a feeling that once you start going through with the aim to tighten & shorten, you'll spot for yourself what needs to be done. I will, however, read on just for the plot, which is EXCELLENT!

regards,

Liz Keane
To End All Faiths

Neville wrote 12 days ago

Touched.
By Simon Cairns.


I must say that this is a fantastic Sci-Fi thriller; it has all the hallmarks of ‘Big Brother’ watching you.
I love the way the book opens up, the intrigue, uncertainty and unexpected.
It’s a mind boggler and something out of the ordinary when we think of Sci-Fi.
It could well make a good film I thought.
It’s no good me explaining what I’ve read because it’s a damn good book all the way as others admit before me...they’re right of course and I endorse their opinion.
A very well written story that has one way to go...Up!
Well starred and will shelve when I can.

Neville.

One Off, Sir!
The secrets of the Forest (Series) - Cosmos 501.
The Secrets of the Forest (Series) - The Time Zone.


elmo2 wrote 25 days ago

I like this. Read the firs six chapters. Language is direct and active. It moves the reader along as does the interesting story line. It appears a twist on the 1984 theme, one that the author makes the reader aware of by referencing it. The story too offers a unique take on computer networking, the form of it in the story seems to lead to keeping people apart, opposing the general acceptance that it brings people together. I think too with the networking themes of reality and illusion are introduced, and it recalls the Matrix series. By the time I finished chapter six I realized the author had cleverly left several avenues open for he reader, can there people on the network who don't get the sickness, could there be secret agents of the overlords on the network, is it another human being that is tripping the alarms on Luke's perimeter, and who or what is controlling the whole system here. Those kind of questions keep people reading. The science here is never explicit or detailed and I think that is best, I think the story would suffer if it tried to be too exact. It would be interesting to see where this thing goes.

Warrick Mayes wrote 41 days ago

Simon,

I read the first two chapters.

This is Earth, but not as we know it. The future has seen significant change, but not in terms of what we eat.

I like that fact that you already have two stories going on. There is the long story - the Network, the disappearance of his friends and teh sickness it causes. The short story involves the disappearance of food from his traps, the intruder that removed the rabbit's head, and what is happening in the woods around his property.

Could it be, that the two stories are connected? Does the disappearance of his friends have something to do with the food being removed from his traps?

It's always good when a story has more than one thread, as yours does. This is also well written, easy to read and flows really well. I found only a couple of little things to concern you:

"...he was more used to sculpting wood than building with it an he had to admit, even at night it, was an odd contrast to the slick, prefabricated lines of the house." 'an' should be 'and'. There is also some confusing punctuation. It probably should be "...he was more used to sculpting wood than building with it AND he had to admit, even at night, it was an odd contrast to the slick, prefabricated lines of the house."

Then
Because you began this sentence with 'As...' it felt like there should be more to come: "As the blood dripped into a small pot and Luke wandered off to the living area to heat up the remains of yesterday’s vegetable stew." Maybe it should be "As the blood dripped into a small pot, Luke wandered off to the living area to heat up the remains of yesterday’s vegetable stew." Or, lose the 'as'.

This is fantasy, but you described it as thriller. So far, the thriller element is very understated, but I can see how it could build, with the intruder and the Network sickness. I also like thatfact that this is different to other fantasy stories. The feet of this story are very firmly planted on the ground. So far, we have one bloke battling for his own existence. The Network is his connection with the rest of the worlld, but connecting is killing him - or so it seems. Stop connecting and life is not worth living. The most interesting part is what happens in the Network, and we have not yet had any details about this. Also what happens beyond the borders of his land?

Most intriguing and well written.

Best wishes
Warrick
"Sleeping With God"

Seven Everson wrote 45 days ago

Hi Simon,

You'll be on the editor's desk soon enough, I'm sure. Fabulous writing. Usually I find something to make comment about, but not in this case.

Okay, just one point. Chap 1, or the prologue or whatever it is: I'm not sure that you even need it. I couldn't work out if its set in the future and we then flash back to the present in chap one, or its set at the time of Relocation. To behonest, I igorned it once I got to chap 2 and just threw myself into the story because the story is so good.

I think your voice as the storyteller is much stronger and more compelling than the voice in the prologue (and the opening line in chapt 2 is extremely good), so unless this opening paragraph is absolutely CRUCIAL to the ENTIRE book, I'm not sure that you need it.

Great pitch - made me want to read it. Glad I did. I will back this book and shelf it in the future!

xxxSeven Everson
Ashes of Eden

Seven Everson wrote 45 days ago

Hi Simon,

You'll be on the editor's desk soon enough, I'm sure. Fabulous writing. Usually I find something to make comment about, but not in this case.

Okay, just one point. Chap 1, or the prologue or whatever it is: I'm not sure that you even need it. I couldn't work out if its set in the future and we then flash back to the present in chap one, or its set at the time of Relocation. To behonest, I igorned it once I got to chap 2 and just threw myself into the story because the story is so good.

I think your voice as the storyteller is much stronger and more compelling than the voice in the prologue (and the opening line in chapt 2 is extremely good), so unless this opening paragraph is absolutely CRUCIAL to the ENTIRE book, I'm not sure that you need it.

Great pitch - made me want to read it. Glad I did. I will back this book and shelf it in the future!

xxxSeven Everson
Ashes of Eden

MissPlumPudding wrote 55 days ago

Hey Simon,

Only had time for the second chapter, but oh will I be back for more. The writing is freaking beautiful here. Really, it's gorgeous. The sentence with the robin and its breast being a splash of color--it was stunning. You can really spin words, man. I'm already hooked.

I've definitely not come across a book so well-written on this site so far. I've definitely not seen one with such a fresh voice and so well-deserving of a good ranking. I hope this goes far (and I don't mean just the editor's desk on this site)!

MJStar wrote 56 days ago

BHCG review:

Hi Simon,

If you cut out the first or words in the beginning it will flow a lot better.

In the second sentence cut out the word, "there".

Third sentence, I would such as cutting the word out. "As" and then ending the sentence at "again".

Begin a new sentence with just the phrase, he shuddered.

Maybe rephrase, "took " with a more active verb like stumble, lurch. Then when it hit him, was it a sense of rippling or maybe purling, that claimed him?

In the fifth sentence when you say, "he traced their lines with this fingertips and smiled." Are the lines alive otherwise I would change their to the. :)

In the next sentence, could you clarify what the speed "of it is"?

Also, in the final sentence remove it was.
I really hope this wasn't too harsh.

Although I know this was more of a line edit, but I did enjoy the writing and thought it could use clarifying.

if you enjoyed my critique and would like to see more. I will continue on and off for more.

MJStar
Lovely Dark Fallen


Karen Eisenbrey wrote 62 days ago

Simon,

I've read the first 3 chapters of Touched. In these opening chapters, you have created an atmosphere of mystery and oppression in a clearly imagined post-apocalyptic world. I applaud the way you dive right into the story without explaining anything. The reader gets too put together Luke's experience as he lives it, bits of the past and the outside world gradually getting filled in. I love the contrast of the highly regimented society and the solitary, self-sufficient individual. Luke is living like a survivalist or pioneer, but he's under the thumb of Power. His only human contact is virtual and it makes him terribly ill, but he can't live without it. Talk about a dysfunctional relationship!

Overall, the writing is excellent and immersive: clear, well described, solidly in Luke's point of view, with the right amount of detail to set the scene without overwhelming. In a couple of places, the POV apparently shifts to a more omniscient narrator for one line. I found this jarring, as it broke the immersion in Luke's experience. (details below).

You've done a good job editing; I found very few typos etc. in these early chapters. Here's what I noted:

Chapter 1
It seemed as if Luke was trying . . .
This opening passage is clearly from Luke's POV, so try a more direct and active approach: Luke tried to absorb etc. Or: Luke stood motionless, arms spread and palms out, his forehead resting against the cold, hard surface, as if he could absorb the glory of the day through his living room window.

Chapter 2
three, four five of them Insert comma after "four"

He didn't seem to notice . . . Again, whose POV is this? Maybe: He didn't notice when he overfilled the bucket until it was too late and he'd flooded the floor.

domed shaped greenhouses: either domed greenhouses or dome-shaped greenhouses

the colour returned to his face. He can't see his own face. Maybe the blood returned? Or show in some other way that he felt better.

Chapter 3
towed the line toed the line (This idiom is not about pulling (towing) a rope, but about standing precisely in line, with your toes at it but not over it).

He took a few of steps Cut "of"

Good luck with this project! I hope you will take a look at one of mine.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Brian Bandell wrote 80 days ago

It takes a little while for me to warm up to Luke's personality. The opening part of the book stands out for the vivid scenery, and the projectile vomiting. Perhaps heaving his lunch isn't the best first impression. As it goes on, I feel bad for Luke because he's so isolated and even his interaction with a friend in the Network is not fulfilling. I'm not quite sure what his goal is. Is he hoping to escape? To fall in love? I don't see the point in survival as a goal if he hates his life.

Your writing is good. I like the pacing and short chapters. And the descriptions are great. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Famous After Death / Mute

mvyugo wrote 91 days ago

Read the opening from Touched, interesting story idea and plot. captivating page turner, good prose and the story moves well. one sentence in Ch 2 he didn't seem to notice when() overfilled the bucket, just a little rewrite there. good story, good luck Mark Stone

James Workman wrote 95 days ago

Simon--Brutal Honesty for BHCG--Commented on chap.1 and 2. This is my first comment for the group.

Good, mysterious opening with lots of questions. You write well. The first two chapters made me want to know more. I guess that’s the trick.

Notes as I read:
--Ch.1--“…to suck the glory of the day through…” seems not quite right. Inhale? Suck suggest a straw at best to me.
--Ch.2—You don’t name Luke until well after the opening. Since you gave his name in Chapt. 1 and he is the sick one in the opening, is there a reason for the ambiguity in the opening?
--“didn’t even like it when the robin flew off.” “Even” is not right; don’t you want to say “He didn’t like it a bit when…”?
--Been watching the News for thirty years. I had him pegged as maybe 20. Could you give some more indication earlier of his age?

I’m going to quit here for now to see if this is what you are looking for. And now that I’ve dished it out, I’m ready to take it.

James Workman
Christopher Hitchens at Heaven--Atheist Meets Jesus
authonomy.com/books/41994/christopher-hitchens-at-heaven-atheist-meets-jesus/

RAS1010 wrote 100 days ago

A BHCG review

I really struggled to find anything I didn’t like in the 4 chapters that I read. So my BHCG review isn’t going to be brutal.

The opening is really catchy, and the overall plot idea is quite unique.

The flow and style is really easy to read, and get lost into. I found myself paragraphs in before I remembered I was supposed to be doing a crit. I found the pacing fine, and didn’t mind the gardening etc (it helped build Luke’s world outside the Network, and questions about why is life like that for him keep the reader’s interest)

Because you don’t let the reader, read about the network until C4... it really entices, and keeps them reading, just to see what it is like.

Back story is fine, there is enough for the reader to understand the concept of the Network connection, but not to much that it takes away from the plot.

I like Luke, and found him easy to read. He is a great mc.

I like the POV, and the fact you add some of Luke’s thoughts in italics, it lets the readers see into his mind.

Your descriptions are great, loved the one about the robin. It really helps grip the reader into Luke’s world.

In C2, it says “damn three O’clock” you might want to add morning or afternoon to that, as I thought he had overslept, but then he looked outside into the darkness.

You have “none-off” on C4, is it supposed to be none-off or one-off... It’s not a phrase I’ve ever heard.

Obviously since the idea is isolation, the first chapter has no dialogue (apart from the news), but I didn’t find myself missing it. But it was noticeable which works for the isolation concept.

It’s very original; I’ve never read anything like it

I think it is definitely publishable, and I hope to see it on shelves one day

I am WLing and coming back for more.

RAS1010
BattleDress
http://authonomy.com/books/47192/battledress/

David 2012 wrote 107 days ago

Hi Simon,

I have been on Authonomy for about 5 months now and this is absolutely one of the more engaging stories I have found here. It is one of very few where I am actually curious about what happens to its characters. Interestingly enough, I think it is the information that is withheld that actually captures the reader's attention. I really only have one question and it is about the virtual world. The pub in which Nick meets his friends is characterized as having deteriorated in the 15 years in which they have been meeting there. At the same time, Nick and his friends have also deteriorated. I am curious whether or not it ever occurred to you to make the virtual world in which a given group of people habitually meet reflect the condition of those people; as they deteriorate, their 'world' also deteriorates.

You have a captivating story here, one that engages my imagination as few others have done on this site. From where I am sitting (judging) this one deserves to make it to the editor's desk.

David
Toccata and Fugue

Seringapatam wrote 118 days ago

Simply brilliant. I loved this and just know its going to do so well. You really do have a good narrative voice thats flows so well throughout the story. I read 4 chapters but found myself hooked into it at an early stage. I wish you luck with this but for me love it.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Sean

RJU74 wrote 120 days ago

Simon,

This RJU from the BHCG. Here is your review for Touched based on my reading of six chapters of your manuscript.

Pitch: Liked the short pitch and the 2nd paragraph of the long pitch. Not sure about the 'Network' premise though when you break it down it suggests a quest narrative which is easy. I think the idea of virtual and alternate digital realities and their effect on the human psyche is common to Science Fiction and Cyberpunk.

Pacing: I found this difficult. There is a lot of gardening, vegetables, traps and general aspects of the agricultural and mundane in the opening chapters. I am sure there is some layered metaphor inherent to this – the nature of natural environment v digital and cyber environs. However, it just felt dull to me. The two elements that are of importance early on are Luke's developing sickness and addiction to the Network process and the tripping of the alarms. I would suggest making this two incidents concise and central; streamlining your opening narrative. Touch them up with the back drop though keep it tight. That is what I would do anyway.

Characters: I found Luke a solid character though perhaps a few more shades to make him distinct. His fundamental driver is what? Addiction? Avoiding isolation? Whatever it is show this in your scenes. Don't tell us what he's thinking and why he's doing what he's doing- reveal it through natural dialogue and scene.

Point of View\Voice: I think a third person narrative is about right.

Style: I think you have a natural way with prose though it is too drawn out for me. The writing isn't clunky or jarring, its smooth, though it is not concise. I think you need to think about what each scene is about; get to the nut and kernel of them. I read somewhere once that great writers could write about ironing a shirt and make it fascinating to read because what makes writing great is not what your writing about but the prose itself. (I'm still working on that.) Another great piece of advice I have always benefited from is this: write write write then cut cut cut. If I write 60k words half of that will be word murder than ends up on my clip board in pieces, cut and discarded for another day. (Why do I do it to myself.)

I have just finished reading The Life of Pi. The central premise of the narrative is that of a boy and a Royal Bengal Tiger surviving in a lifeboat for 227 days. You'd think It 'd get dull after a while. I mean, its essential a teenager and a tiger in a lifeboat. How much could actually happen yet its a book I wont forget. A lesson for us all on the power of great prose.

Sentence Level: I would be careful about using too many adjectives. There is some over use early on. Also, perhaps some colons, semi-colons and dashes to break up and add grammatical colour and voice to your prose.

Dialogue: This was the poorest part for me. It felt contrived and unnatural. Your characters have no interest in disseminating crucial information about your plot. You might have an interest in it but they don't. That information thus needs to come about naturally. I use to have to record speech and then write it out to really get a feel for what dialogue actually sounds and looks like in print and the emotion it carries because when I read my dialogue back to myself I sounded like some hack writer who was treating his audience like idiots. Natural dialogue has so much tone and variance, both directness and passivity as well as abundant subtlety. I don't think your dialogue (from the six chapters I've read) has really captured those flavours for me.

Originality: Not massively original though certainly a niche idea. It will certainly have an audience.

Publishable: From what I have read thus far, no. Most publishers will read your open three chapters IF your dialogue is of a publishable standard. It has potential and you have obvious talent and flow; a hunger to tell a story that matters to you. I'd be excited about really working with your prose. So much potential once you get to the grips with the mechanics.

Jaclyn Aurore wrote 122 days ago

Read swap:

Hi there, I loved the premise of this book and the first chapter (which i thought was a prologue) is awesome...
It immediately makes me think that if we keep on the way we're going, we can all end up with the same deadly fate.

Into the second chapter I lost a bit of the hook... I felt my mind drifting with the greenhouse descriptions waiting for something to happen. I did like the beginning, not knowing the time, and being on some sort of schedule where he's only allowed out when a bell rings type deal... but then i felt myself drifting... until he kills the rabbit, and then i'm back in
his thoughts to himself and his addiction to the Network, is what makes me continue on with this story

oddly enough, the third chapter makes me queezy with the anticipation of killing animals, though i know he does this to eat... i get that... but still, i shudder. and then by the end you're talking of him being all projectile-vomity for an entirely different reason - kudos

chapter four is where it really kicks in... everything i loved about the pitch, is right here... and it's awesome. You could probably start the book here if you wanted, but i understand the need to add the gardening bit in... it makes his isolation as important as his addiction to the Network... the two go hand in hand

lovely read, thank you for inviting me to do so!

Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Kestrelraptorial wrote 123 days ago

This is very interesting, keeps me guessing what's going on.

JHood98 wrote 131 days ago

A BHCG review,


Plot – honestly, didn't care for the short prologue-like chapter 1. I thought it would add on to something I would learn later, but it really didn't. If you could elaborate more on this or even take it out all together, it would be better. This plot is very original and I do get a good sense of the isolation in this world, so much it was disturbing, and that was very good. This is a very interesting dystopian world.

Pacing – backstory amount was perfect, couldn't ask for more or less. However, not much happens in the first few chapters and I found my interest waning at points. I think it would do you well to make those interesting parts more urgent and exciting, like when Luke goes to check the traps. Those parts were identical to the rest of the story and I didn't get a sense of excitement.

Characters/Characterization - I love Luke. His personality is so interesting and I think you have made the perfect MC for your type of story. Other characters were also very good, but Luke is still my favorite. :)

Point of View/Voice - POV is constant throughout, no discrepancies. Personally, I prefer first person POV to third, but I still do enjoy third-person. But I feel that the narrator voice was too existential, and it felt more like a person than Luke. Third-person narrators shouldn't have a personality like this one, and it really distracted me from getting to know your world and characters.

Style – I liked through most of it, though, as I said before, my interest waned at points. I felt more like I was looking down at Luke than being thrown right in the story with him.
Sentence level – very good, nice balance between long and short sentences and no typos or grammatical issues.
Dialogue - there isn't a lot in this tale, so I'll critique what I saw. Mostly realistic and believable, only a few instances of awkward wording/phrasing

Originality - as far as I know, this type of thing has never been done. Kudos on creating a very original concept.

Publishability - Although, publishing today is all wacky, so the good stuff rarely gets published. I think if it does, I would definitely pick it up in the bookstore if your pitches were the blurb. They were really exciting. The book, in contrast, sort of lets the excitement die out and that would most likely make it a labor to get through this book.. This is because of the urgency issue I stated before. There was just no.... goosebump or gasp moments. It all felt laid out and proper. That is good at same places, just not at the exciting points. In the chapters to come, I would strongly suggest that you take this into careful consideration as this was the reason I had trouble with this. I'm not an agent or an editor, so I can't tell you for sure. But if I was one, I would pass from these chapters. This is great stuff - extremely great, actually - but I don't think it sticks out so much that I say "Wow! I cannot stop thinking about TOUCHED, I just loved it so much! I need to tell everyone about this book. Instant bestseller!"

But I'm just getting in the publisher mindset. They're all kind of nutty when picking books nowadays anyway.

I liked this book. A lot. Just take that one urgency note I made, and this book will be absolute gold and I think it would make me say "Wow! I cannot stop thinking about TOUCHED... etc. etc. :P"

I would love if you could review my book Divide in return :)

dave farrington wrote 139 days ago

BHCG Review

My first BCHG review and I'm not sure if it will be brutal enough, but it will be honest. First thing to say is that I read all you have posted and I don't do that too often. My overall impression is that I think it is original compelling and generally well-written.

Plot/Opening narrative

I'm not sure about the prologue. I wasn't sure about it at first and having read further I'm less sure about it. It seems to suggest a happy ending (glory of the day...euphoria...hard to comprehend now how his future could have seemed so bleak) which given the unremitting misery of the next eighteen or so chapters seems unlikely. I'm sure it eventually makes sense but I'd prefer it to make sense a bit sooner. Also I think the opening of the next chapter is very strong and might make a better opening.

Pacing

I think the pace is good. It must be, because I kept reading. The only thing is that not a lot happens for real for quite a while. More happens in virtual reality, but because we know it's not real it doesn't have the same impact. I wonder do virtual reality scenes have something of the often unsatisfying nature of dream sequences?

I think there's a bit of repetition too, in that Luke's experiences on the porn site initially mirror those reported by George very closely. It might be better if George's description as recounted by Christian were a little less specific, while still being enough to tempt Luke.

Characters

Luke is a likeable and interesting main character. His beliefs and actions are credible given his situation. Christian is the only one of the minor characters who stands out and I found him a bit vague. I'd like to know a bit more about how he and Luke came to be close. I think he's somewhat ambiguous - part trusted confidante, part unreliable gossip.

The woman, Alex, is a strong character and obviously has a pivotal role in altering Luke's perception of what's going on. But I think her hostility could be portrayed equally well without having her speak in capitals all the time.

POV

POV is consistent throughout and Luke has a very clear voice. I think it's a good choice in a story about isolation to stick with the single POV.

Style

Most of the story is told in fairly straightforward reportage. I think this works well. Some of the occasional forays into a more 'literary' style don't work quite so well for me. Example - 'like an unwanted guest that refused to leave, the pain was still there the following morning' - does this simile earn its keep? Does this do anything more for the reader than 'the pain was still there in the morning'. This is a personal prejudice. I almost never use similes because generally what a thing is most like is itself.

There is some over-use of particular words, nausea being the most over-done. Obviously nausea is a key element of Luke's experience and there aren't too many synonyms for it, but I'd suggest where you can you should use an alternative. Example - somewhere you say that when he woke up the nausea was still there. You could just say he still felt unwell/sick.

In places you use 'said James', 'said Christian' as dialogue tags. I think 'James said', etc, sounds more natural.

Sentences

Well-constructed, good balance between longer (descriptive) and shorter (impact) sentences.

Dialogue

Monologue (Luke talking/thinking to himself) is good and consistent with his character. Dialogue with Alex is good too although she could be toned down a bit and still sound hostile and menacing.

Originality

Absolutely. I haven't come across anything similar to your plot. I just wonder if some of your references (1984, Genesis) are not a bit heavy-handed and maybe detract rather than add to your story.

Other (continuity)

There's a scene in Chpt 18 where Luke 'watches Alex warily' - problem is he's still in the cupboard with a hood over his head.

Publishability

I haven't a clue. It's an interesting, well-written, intelligent book. Does that get it published? Not necessarily, it seems.

Hope some of this is useful.

Regards
Dave F



bibbybop wrote 140 days ago

so I've read 18 chapters and am now annoyed there is no more :( Just as things were really kicking off I am left hanging. AGGGH!

Seriously happy to back this. You have a great and highly intriguing premise, giving just enough to keep me reading and guessing, sending my over active imagination into overdrive.

I love that you have taken the time to build a piece by piece image of Luke's daily life. It has a sense of time idling by, filling the hours, and making us understand the lack of questions, the almost institutionalised lethargy and acceptance of their fate. By contrast Alex seems wild and it seems believable that she is controlling him so easily.

If I had any criticisms it would be that I would like more detail, specifically about his life on the Network and how it works/looks, which senses are engaged- it felt as though only Eden really gave off anything more than visual and Nauseous feelings- perhaps a few more memories of interactions, lost friends, current friends, his mother. You have held back a lot of the history, which I rather admire as I feel it takes bravery not to overload us straight away, but my curiosity is now at fever pitch. I want to know everything- how did everyone react? Where is his father? Did they go to school? What happened to the normal internet? Did they have no further interaction? Did they never get sick? What happened to his mother?

I hope not telling us too much straight off is a gamble that is appreciated by all your readers, but please reward our patience and give us more!



Lin55 wrote 146 days ago

Hi Simon, I saw this on a friends shelf and decided to have a read. The hook is instant, the pace and your style is easy to read and follow.
Clever use of the robin, guilt for the rabbit and mention of his mum brought Luke to life for me.
I have only read a couple of chapters, but you have made me want to read on to find out what is happening here. This is having a place on my shelf because based on what I have read so far, I would buy this book.
Lin

Alice Barron wrote 152 days ago

Hi Simon,

This is Good. The reader is left in suspense for quite some time which is good. Lots of questions swirl around in the readers mind with very few answers.
When Luke arose in chapter one and went outside I assumed it was the morning time. It must have been the afternoon as the darkness arrived suddenly with the robin flying towards the dark.

It seems like everything in Luke's life is on a timer. I wonder how did he get there and what the outcome for him will be. It appears Luke has been there for quite some time as he arrived there with his mother.

I read up to chapter four but could have happily read on if time had allowed. Chapter 1,2, and 3 are very well written. I only found a few tiny typo's in chapter 4.

When Luke got through to Kristian,

"Yes.......comma here.....fine thanks."

"Well......comma here.....no actually."

"No idea. He turned up like "that" at lunchtime......lunchtime all the one word.

Continued success, Simon. Highly starred.

Alice.

Software wrote 155 days ago

Have read the opening six chapters. Looks like Luke and his pals are having a real hard time of it in the near to dystopia world containing cyberspace like portals and fiendish specters created by the author. Lots of different complimentary themes and directions happening here. Many of them the subject for the psychiatrists couch, a politicians agenda and a philosophers stone. Its all delivered as a well constructed set of scenes and characters that are both engaging and entertaining. When this work eventually is completed and reaches the 80,000 words bench mark for novels, it should be a very good end to end read. Highly starred.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Andrea Taylor wrote 156 days ago

Many questions and as yet no answers, but I'm hooked. It seems a simple enough opening and first chapter, but I want to read on to find out 'why?'
It feels casually written; which is a compliment. Maybe I mean effortless. Easy to read, easy on the eye and attention grabbing. So, yes, I like it very much and will WL it for further reading.
Andrea
the de Amerley Affair

Mysky1 wrote 162 days ago

I've read up to chapter four, and I have enjoyed every moment. I will continue reading. Well done.

NowSpeakTruth wrote 163 days ago

Swap

pitches:
In your last paragraph of your long pitch you switch tenses. Other than that there's nothing grammatical to nitpick and I think it gets your story across quite well without giving away anything. It suggests an original plot and solid writing.

Prologue:
Also intriguing without giving much away. Arouses your readers curiosity nicely.

Chp 1
The heading of this chapter says it's 2 but there's no 1 between your prologue and here so I assume the site did something to your headings.
When you say acrid juices I thought you might mean acid but I suppose either word would work.

This may set well with some of your readers but I have to admit your beginning did not intrigue me.
It actually made me gag, and then cringe at the repeated profanity, and had this been a book in the store and I was looking at it to buy I would've set it down right then and there. This is just my personal preference however. You still have a wide marketability for this.

Your description of his gardens were nicely done, I could see everything. However I think you could condense it without losing much depth at all. The scene seemed to drag on just a bit longer than necessary. The addition of the bird was a nice touch though.

"To chair's virtual world" This sentence didn't sit right with me.
"To minus nine tonight" Wouldn't they say negative? or just spelled out it would look like -9? It just makes it flow easier.

Okay your plotline is solid and your one character that we've met thus far is believable. I would like to hear more of his emotions instead of just his actions (then he did this, then he did this, then he etc.) You make it apparent that he likes gardening but other than that and that this chair thing makes him nauseous we don't know him as much as we could.

I would suggest adding more immediate action and character development in this first chapter.

Your writing as the pitch suggested is very solid. Just remember that readers need to be drawn into the story. We're not immediately vested in the character as you, as the author, is. We need a reason to care as harsh as that sounds. Make sure to spring a reason to care about your MC on the reader as soon as possible.

Excellent job
God bless

wekabird3 wrote 165 days ago

Touched. By Simon Cairnes. 600 words

Hi Simon,
I select my reads by looking at the author's comments. You give good and useful feedback – so, here goes.
Just scanned through Chap 1. This isn't my kind of read but the quality of your writing drags me in.

SP.
Maybe you could reword this. Delete one of the 'you' words and attempt to reconcile Sanity and Death.
LP.
1). Near total isolation (a little contradictory.).
2). A wondrous thing. (maybe an alternative word for thing?).
3). Maybe attempt to reduce the 'IT' words.
4). Now things..(alternative to things).
5). Do you need 'it means.'

Chapter 1.
1). Cold hard surface. (of the window presumably – glass?).
2). As the euphoria began to build again...(great writing but not sure what is going on. But that could be my ignorance.).
3). 'It could have once (or 'it could once have.).

Chap 2.
1). You may find this a bit 'picky.' I find it strange that he had a ready bucket of water - but stowed away in the cupboard. If this is a regular occurrence (I) would have the bucket handy. Also, from a practical pov, a mop isn't the best way to deal with puke.
2). Was it the Robin, the door or the door handle that moved?
3). Currently he is located in the greenhouse. He had to force his way in etc etc. Then you mention 'when he has a bad day.' The time seems to have changed. Easily fixed.
4). That's a lot of food. For how many days/people?
5). Might be worth working out which plants belong in which greenhouse. So far none seem to need 'tropical conditions. (I have a kiwi fruit which grows outdoors UK).
6). Crude wooden shed on its side. (Difficult to imagine this). Or do you mean that it leant against the side of the house?
7). 'On its wooden racks. (maybe on THE wooden racks.).
8). Around followed closely by around.
9). What kind of snares? The usual wire noose or?
10). 'more and more frequency.' (maybe with more or use frequently.).
11).. Long ago I used to tie the wire to a stake to anchor it to the ground. The animal pokes it head through and, bingo. Good bye Mr Rabbit!
12). 'What he was hoping for.' (Maybe WAS is missing but bear in mind you have just used a WAS word.).
13). A few too many WAS words appearing.
14). Could be a problem with the 24 hour blackout. The greenhouse plants would frost and die. (maybe give that one some thought.).
15). 'It was empty.' (but it wasn't. Maybe use 'it appeared empty.').
16). 'Gave it a cautious flick.' (the rabbit, the club or the belt?).
17). 'Put it back.' Followed by 'went back.' (maybe 'returned.').
18). 'The Thing. (As this is an item of great importance maybe reword and begin sentence with The Chair.).
19). 'Contemplations.' Doesn't fit well. Sounds awkward. (maybe keep it simple, thoughts).
20). Maybe reconsider use of the IT words around AV.
21). Scandinavia! Now you have me guessing as to where we are.
22). 'friends mentioned it yesterday (maybe recently.).
23). You seem to have mixed cider and the movies.

Overall, I like the writing, style and pace. You draw the reader with unexplained references to rope burns, his euphoric 'good time' and the intruding image in his garden.

I'll stop here because you may not agree with the above and I tend to get only about one return read in five.
So, anything you don't understand, give me a buzz.

Chris. Sorting it Out.

nm101307 wrote 177 days ago

Hello Simon,

I am rather intrigued by this. The whole premise is engaging. I spotted a few typos here and there - nothing a thorough proof-read can't fix. Gladly backed, and I definitely hope you'll post more - or else be published :)

Best Wishes,
N.M.

cheesehoven wrote 184 days ago

BHCG Review for touched

Title: Uninspiring.
Short pitch: Good to a point but too general to be really catching
Long pitch: This seems to promise a highly interesting piece of speculative fiction and one that has a very contemporary resonance with our isolation and reliance on computers.

Plot – The opening was different to what the pitch had prepared me for. No doubt a failing of my own, but I imagined the protagonist much less proactive than he is. But the opening is highly intriguing and well written (although I’m not sure about the brief chapter 1 – that seems a bit pretentious).
Chapter 2 is where it really starts and very interesting details are revealed in passing, the warning alarm, the unaging newscaster, the group of friends.
It seems odd that he would be allowed out to garden at night?
The description of the pub, when it came, surprised me. I was imagining a modernist setting so the sudden Victorianism came as a shock. I do also wonder if this is all there is in the virtual reality world? Some passing mention of girls is briefly made but there is nothing that would make this world addictive.
I would have preferred to hear George’s story firsthand- hearing via Kristian blunts its immediacy. The whole George story came across as somewhat wooden and expositional to my reading.
Luke’s talk to his robin at the end of ch 10 seemed to me to be anti-climatic after the earlier revelations.
“Crichton’s disease”. Very nice in-joke.
The whole part with the appearance of Alex I found more underwhelming than it should have been perhaps because of the banality of Luke needing the loo.

Pacing- outstanding. You very skilfully lead the reader into your world and keep their attention by throwing down a bread crumb trail of details.

Characters/Characterization – While Luke is well drawn, I did not get much sense of much individuality from the rest.
Style – A very clear and readable prose style kept me reading.

Dialogue – The initial mention of 1984 intrigued me but the sudden blurting out of the situation they were in seemed a bit gauche. I am surprised that a controlling government would allow such a questioning work to be so available, but perhaps the nature of the government will become clearer as the story progresses.
Dialogue did come across as stilted at times.
Originality – Highly original
Publishability – This is a very timely boo with its themes of virtual reality and isolation. It is also a page turner so I should think publishability is very high,

Any criticisms I have made are small in what I found an exceptionally well written and absorbing tale which I read right through to the end of chapter 18 and hope to read more.. My only real reservation is the self –sufficiency of Luke and why he would be constantly in need of what was an uninteresting virtual reality setting particularly one that was increasingly affecting his health. A comforting banality? Force of habit? A need for friendship? Anyone of these might be plausible, yet I have my doubts.
I'm also not totally convinced by the appearance of Alex yet but time will tell.
Backed with pleasure.

Daniel O’Flaherty
Headless
http://authonomy.com/books/34628/headless/

patio wrote 186 days ago

Part one is short and sweet. Part two is OK. I think you mentioned fuck two times to many

but high stars

Jim Heter wrote 186 days ago

Simon,
I've just read the new chapters you posted.
Too soon to have any idea where you are going with this new twist, but fun so far.
Carry on!
Jim

CATHERINE SHAW wrote 187 days ago

Very original. A fantastic read! x

R.E. Ader wrote 190 days ago

A rather compelling read. Your writing has a nice flow, and the tone you have set is extremely effective. There is just enough mystery and intrigue to keep a reader absorbed. Well done.

hockgtjoa wrote 192 days ago

This is an amazing story--weird and well-written. It is a pleasure to read (as well as torture since knowing what is going on isn't happening quickly enough for me). Good job!

Rick Hume wrote 194 days ago

I can't say I've read anything like this before. I agree with one reviewer below that it's not clear enough at the outset what has happened to their world and what has them so isolated. However that being said, this is an entertaining read and it's hard to stop. "Weird but wonderful" certainly says it all. My one qualm so far is that Kristian really looks/sounds like a female name. I thought Kristian was a female almost the entire time he was in the chapter and once it dawned on me I had to go back and see what I missed. Other than that this is a nicely written story and I'll keep it on my shelf for a while.

Jim Heter wrote 194 days ago

Simon,
I read to the end.
Now you've really got my attention.
You very deftly conjured up Luke's isolation and his desperate need for the virtual existence provided by the net, in spite of its "defect" of slowly killing off its users.
Now, suddenly, all that has changed.
Or has it?
Jim

CARite wrote 199 days ago

Touched- A very interesting concept. You created Luke and his environment well, showing how he's isolated with technology his only outlet at a price... well written...keep going
Cindy
CADreilling - The Line - Beginnings

Aaron Overfield wrote 201 days ago

Excellent read so far, with an ending to each chapter that keeps me wanting to read the next chapter. I'm usually ready to put most things down and come back to them, but you really keep the suspense up at a rate that makes it difficult to walk away. That's impressive.

Few things I noticed or suggestions (and I know some of them come down to style, so I don't put too much weight into them):

I think the line "vomited a jet of acrid juices" would flow better as "vomited an acrid jet of juices." I tend to lean toward prose when writing so I know this is just a style thing.

In the line "worn looking mop and bucket" - I think you can do without the "looking" part. It looking worn is implied by you calling it worn. Seems redundant.

Also, I think rather than "slopping the mop lethargically," you could use "lethargically slopping the mop." Again, a style and prose thing, but did strike me.

This may be a language thing, but you said he pressed his arms tight against his chest. I found this confusing and hard to picture. Did you mean he folded them or pulled them up against himself? When I think of pressing I imagine an outward motion, not inward.

You mention that he had no idea what time it was, but an alarm had just gone off and he knew it was gardening time. I gather you meant he had no idea what the actual numerical time was, meaning they don't keep track of that anymore, but that was something I had to guess. It seemed like he did know what time it was.

The bird "moved unhurriedly" - I think this is one of those "show don't tell" instances. You could say it scooted or shuffled or something like that.

There was a semi-colon out of place, but now I can't find it. All my note says is that it was after "bitter experience."

The sentence "Something had sprung the trap, but whatever it was had long gone" tripped me up. I think because of "was" and "had" being used together. It got me thinking though, the "whatever it was" is covered by the "something" so it might be redundant. So the sentence would pretty much read the same if written "Something had sprung the trap, but it was long gone."

All of these things so far are only style issues. Nothing of substance really. The only thing of substance I found had to do with the "cap." When I got to the second mention of the cap, I had to go back and look for it again because I didn't remember anything about it. Since I knew what your story was about, when I got to the mesh cap, I figured what it was for. However, if you made it a little more pronounced in the beginning (even referring to it being mesh or attached to wires or whatever), it would stand out more and take the central figure in the story that it will eventually have.

I think in chapter 5 you use "Network" but the other times you didn't capitalize the N. There might be a reason for that, though.

Finally, in chapter 5, one of your lines says "for the second in a week." Did you mean "for the second time in a week?" Found that confusing.


Listing them all out I realize that this seems like a lot of points, but like I said, they seem more style than anything and don't really subtract from your story at all. The idea is great, your writing is great, and the way you keep tension and suspense is impressive. I'm not disappointed by this book at all and will keep reading.

Abby Vandiver wrote 209 days ago

Well you write well. The flow is good and I found the writing kept my attention. But I don't know what the story is about and I had got to Chapter Four. Could't be a orion becuse his mother had been there. Couldn't be a quarantine because what disease has an incubation period of thirty years. Figured at this rate it might take too long to figure out.

Your a very good writer. Get to the point though to keep your readers interested.

Abby

lostprincess13 wrote 210 days ago

Hello,
Very interesting story line you have here. That would be a terrible world to live in, no human contact really aside from the network which makes you sick. Government control. Harsh punishments. I've read eight chapters, I just couldn't stop reading. There were just enough details left out to make you want to know more and turn the page, so to speak. I couldn't really find anything to critique aside from what might be typo in the sentence "the government have been" maybe should be "had been"? Anyways, great job. Many stars and best of luck to you.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

gingerknucklehairs wrote 211 days ago

Luke's existence has me wondering what has happened to the world. Is he a criminal prisoner? Is he in quarantine? Has there been some kind of Holocaust? This intrigue makes the book a real page turner while we discover what makes Luke tick.
More mystery arrives in the night and holds the reader to ransom to read on further.
The electricity going off, would not have been so terrifying years ago, but for Luke it means everything; his only connection with others and everything that he relies upon. It's a frightening punishment.
There are many questions that keep the pages turning. Why does Luke get sick when he logs on? Where do his friends disappear too? It's nicely paced and answers one mystery while throwing up a new one.
I got the impression that Luke was already going slightly mad before he visits George's Eden site, but then, who doesn't talk to robins and their plants? I found Luke charming.
As we get further in we find out why Luke and the rest of the population have to live this way. About the government structure that has enforced these measures and why. It gets better and better as it all comes together. I like it this way rather than having all the information at the beginning.
You leave me hanging though, on the last chapter uploaded. Who is the woman in Luke's kitchen? Why is she so angry? What does she mean by, the government are liars? There's much more to all this than meets the eye and I'm sure Luke's life is about to change dramatically after he is introduced to the mystery woman.
I wonder what's really going on out there? I could have continued with this story to the end quite happily.
It is well written and edited. I spotted one thing that you might want to take a look at:
Chapter 8: He told tell me he was too shy to.
I am so glad that I picked this story for a full read swap. Time just flew by. It's a really good story and I'm only sorry that I couldn't continue to the end.
I've highly starred it and it's going on my shelf on the next shuffle.
Well done Simon. I am very impressed with this and hope you get it published. I want a copy.
Take care, Jesamine.

Final Girl wrote 225 days ago

Overall, you have some very polished thoughts.

I read the first two chapters. An agrarian setting for a thriller is appreciated, because as an author, you’ve been forced to rely on subtleties to build suspense instead of the fears of a metropolis. The tone you’ve developed adds an uncanny feeling, as if what the reader is being shown is not complete. It reminds me of reading a Poe mystery; I know something if “off” but, I’m not sure what. For example, the traps being set off are giving me a sense of foreboding.
Then, I started the third chapter. You continued the mystery enough that I wanted to read more. At this point, your setting makes me feel like this could be on one of the newly terra-formed planets from the Firefly series. It’s clearly futuristic and primitive at the same time. (That's a compliment.)
Chapter four is when you let us in on the main metaphor, the virtual reality being an analogue for actual connection. I think it’s very realistic to show the addiction aspect, as these people are ignoring their health to stimulate their emotional needs. It’s reminiscent of those articles you hear about bars in Japan where patrons can pay people to be their friends, ask about their day and take genuine interest.
I appreciate that you let us know the “rules” of your story, such as the government situation, the virtual world, and the lack of immune system, through dialogue instead of lengthy exposition.

SL Dwyer wrote 231 days ago

Ok Simon, I just finished all chapters posted and I liked the story - finally in chapter 14 I find out what had happened to create the society Luke was living in. Not all my questions were answered, but enough to make me want to keep reading.
Great story and vivid visuals of Lukes world. How sad for people to live such a solitary life. It isn't human nature to be alone like that and we can see how he deals with it.

In chapter 11 there were two places that you need to look at for corrections.
As (....) peered into the void. Did you mean to put in "he"?
In the end he decided to do a quick (recce?) of the basement area. what is recce - not familiar with the word.

Watch how often you use "ly". Saw a lot of it in the last couple of chapters.

Not sure if it can go on my bookshelf is not completed but I will try to post there anyway.

Great story.

SL

Chris Bostic wrote 233 days ago

Simon,

A read and comment request. I comment in a conversational style, just jotting down thoughts as I read. I made it through four chapters and was glad that I did. Each chapter provides more insight into this creative world of yours. Here goes:

Chapter One:
C1, P1 – I have no idea what just happened, but it was fascinating. Poetic really. The scene is wonderfully set, and I have nothing but questions waiting to answered. Nicely done.

Chapter Two:
C2, P5 – I would place a period after rags, since the following part is not closely related with the former. Try “but it had long since been reduced to rags. His overalls”. The first is coat and the second is overalls, so they should be kept separate.
C2, P7 – There seems to be a need for commas in a couple different sentences. I would suggest “At the door to the smallest of greenhouses[,] a small robin” and also “He gave the glass door a shove[,] and when it finally”
-Partway down, I would shy away from back to back paragraphs with “once outside” and “once inside”, especially since I was initially unsure if inside was the shed or the house (although it was quickly explained later, so no big deal)
-As Luke checks the traps, we get some glimpse at this dystopian society. It was quite unexpected, but well done and intriguing.
-there is nice suspense at the end of the chapter. I am curious about neighbors, and the government and all that, but I like the way you are rolling it out slowly. I have lots of people telling me to get all the info out early, but I prefer to avoid the info dump and go with a slow, steady release.

Chapter Three:
-Interesting to find out that Luke gets to see friends. It sounded like a bland, quiet existence.
-Couple thoughts on the traps – you seem to over explain a little too much. For example, you don’t have to say that the ground was cold and thus very hard and thus no prints. Just say it was too cold (or hard) and thus no tracks. Similarly, there is a lot of repetition in the third to last paragraph over explaining how the snare could trap a deer or something bigger.

Chapter Four:
-The chair is hard to figure out. At first I had to wonder if itt projects him to another place (like a teleporter), or he just feels like he’s there? It sounded like he was just talking to Kristian initially like a telephone, but then it became clearer when Luke went to get a drink at the bar.
-You continue to give us bits and pieces into the state of the government and the Relocation. I like it.

This is an interesting story. Very imaginative. I have enjoyed it and will keep it on my watchlist.
Please stop by and read my book when you have a chance.

Best wishes,
-Chris
Fugitives from Northwoods

Tod Schneider wrote 234 days ago

This is intriguing! I've read the first couple chapters and am mystified as to where you're heading, but the writing is first rate and held me just fine. Great literary quality and a very curious tale. Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Tod Schneider wrote 234 days ago

This is intriguing! I've read the first couple chapters and am mystified as to where you're heading, but the writing is first rate and held me just fine. Great literary quality and a very curious tale. Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

SL Dwyer wrote 234 days ago

HI Simon,
I finished the first 6 chapters and I really like the story. I have to say I am a little in the dark as to Lukes affliction and that of others. I did get a glimps of the living conditions from a devastating happening in years past and the crazy government and living conditions. I would have liked to know more so I could understand his situation.
That aside, I liked the pacing and visuals. I did find some places that could use tightening and a few different choices of words. There are some punctuation you need to fix and I'm sure you will see them when you read it again - mostly commas.

Here we go -
Chpt 1

(Then) as euphoria began to build (again), he shuddered. You don't need the words in parenth. Since we had never seen it before "again" makes me feel I missed something.

Chpt 2
Fuck, fuck, fuck, (he shouted) the words bouncing around the empty room. We know he is shouting from the words bouncing.

For a while afterwords, Luke.... Need a comma before Luke

Each time he dug out anything that was ready to eat, the (little) bird scratched around (busily) ....... watch how you us "ly"

Moving away from the lights ....he didn't stumble (once).

He had (learnt) learned ? to obey

.....Lukes face flushed in the ( warm embrace) warmth of his house.

...moved swiftly as he could (over) ...

Chp 3 all seemed ok

Chpt 4
....he changed into (some more) comfortable clothing...

They had to (take) make? some very rough ....

You have to admit it, the gov (have) has? been ...

Chpt 5

The ground was (relatively) open. It is or it isn;t open.

Still reading chpt 6. Good story and I will put it on my watch list. My notes are just suggestions to rid the writing of unnecessary words. I notice you use the word whilst. It is a little old fashion unless you are from Europe. I rarely ever see anyone using it.

All in all, I like what you have here and will continue to read.

SL

jonsdawn wrote 235 days ago

Hi Simon, had a read. As for genre, I can see your problem. I read the first few chapters and would say fantasy, fiction.

I would suggest that you might want to do a flashback sequence, ie, where he is now then a flashback to where it all began, then bring them up to present day.

Generally I struggled to get into the story and I think the flashback sequence would help with that as its interesting concept and you want to get the readers as engaged as soon as possible.

Just my thoughts, hope they help. add to my watch list to pop back later to see what you have done with it. or drop me a message if you amend and I will review again. :D

Lenny Banks wrote 238 days ago

Hi Simon, I took a look at chapter 4. This is a thought provoking well written piece of work. I found it easy to follow and the characters were believeable and the story stood up as well. I noted you used '...OK...' after advice I use '...Okay...' and it looks more professional but that's up to you. You seem to be very good at the dialogue, I felt like I was at the bar with the characters, well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

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