The Star Maker

CHIRG

Hi Ali,

I've read Chapter 1, and I'd like to start by saying that this is a brilliant concept - really imaginative and very clever. Things I particularly liked include:

The whole feel is very atmospheric.

There is an old-fashioned quality to your writing, and I think it lends itself nicely to this kind of tale.

The orb and subsequent star-birth is well described – I found this bit really quite thrilling to read.

The star's launch – again I have to say that the whole concept is brilliant.

‘… it gained speed. It gained courage.’ Gorgeous description.

A couple of nits:

Glass ceiiing description - if it’s glass, we don’t need to be told it’s transparent as well.

'... glowing blue eyes' - glowing doesn't sound quite right for blue eyes.

'tugged down' – not sure, don’t we tug towards us and push down?

These are small things, Ali. Well done with this - what I have read so far is lovely and pretty darn clever!

High stars!

Best wishes

Roo

There is a feeling of magic about this: the very idea of someone making a star and then opening their glass ceiling and releasing it is gorgeous. I like the idea of the star gaining courage too.
There are places where it perhaps needs a bit of editing, for example, you say "to the precarious swordplay" when I think you mean "of".
Overall, a lovely idea.
I hope you will find time to look at mine.
C J Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

The Star Maker - I am always pleased to read a good children's book that is able to capture the imagination and heart of the adult too. This book sounds great and I found the opening chapter well written and will certainly be reading more. High stars and on my WL . Good job Ali it's delightful.
Michelle -43 Primrose Avenue

Hey Ali,
I have added you book to my watch list and will get around to reading it ASAP. It looks very intriguing.

Laura Bryan (Dream-Vision Series & the Waves Saga)

The star maker
chirg
Very exciting battles, at the star maker's cottage, in the mines and in the city.
The detail of the journey and adventures were just right.
Aerona with her evil ways makes wonderful villain .
My only criticism is when you introduce Prince Owen he sounds conceited ... In CH 1 is 'and he knew it' needed after 'swoon'?
Cas

I like the thought of there being a "Star Maker" you have a vivid imagination and a good story.

I will read on.

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE
LADIES NIGHT

I love the interplay between your characters. The sword play in the first chapter and the hide-and-seek game in the second set a good active tone for the book. When this great characterisation is mxed into a story about a man who makes stars you get a very enjoyable read. I see below this is described as a fairy-tale however your characters are so vivid, I would be hesitant to limit it too a mere fairy-tale. This is more like a fantasy novel with moments of pure whimsy (Seren's love of sunsets for example) that set it apart from other fantasy novels.
Highly Starred, great book.

My lad's name is Owen so you get my vote :)

good solid fantasy novel...written with great skill...
...and l will back...
read SEASONS...

CHIRG review

I love the idea of a star maker. You write well and the story moves along at a good pace that keeps the reader interested. It has a real feel of fairy-tale about it which works well with the magical elements.

Like your descriptive passages. They work well.

Overall, this is a really enjoyable read and something I think children will love.

Best of luck with it.

Debbie

Hi Ali; I'm pretty sure that the first story anyone can remember with fondness, is a fairytale. That's exactly where your book succeeds. I'm three chapters in and the whole basis of the book revolves around myth and magic (and there's nothing wrong with that.) I'm certain your book would be more than good enough to hold a child's attention and as I've said before, they are the most demanding audience. If a book is good enough for a child, it's good enough for anyone. I look forward to reading more as your style of writing is incredibly fluent and easy to read. There was no standout faults to find, so very well done.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars.

Um...wow. I read up to chapter 7 and I was totally blown away. Your writing style is spunky, creative, suspensful...I was easily absorbed into it. I honestly had to pull myself away so I can go eat dinner.

I am a very opinionated person, and the stories I really like and want to see succeed--like yours-- I tend to dive very deeply into them, pointing out anything and everything I see. Just please remember that this is only one opinion, and you may not like my suggestions. If you dont...then just ignore them.

"She hummed softly as she skipped up the stairs, her bare feet pattering on the steps."---Perhaps you could re-write as: Humming softly, she skipped up the stairs, her bare feet pattering on the steps.--this way you are not starting your story off with "She."
"The sun had set less than an hour ago and the sky had become incredibly dark"---How about: The sun had set an hour ago and the sky was now a dark inky blue...? Yea...Nay? Just a burst of nosiness on my part.
"...thousands upon thousands of glimmering stars were speckled across the sky." How about: ...thousands upon thousands of glimmereing stars filled the evening sky.---This way you get ride of that pesky word "were."
"She could see the twinkling sight clearly within view though her transparent glass ceiling."--delete "within view." It will flow better without those two words.
"Now it's time to get to business."--I dont see someone actually saying this. It's too formal. How about "Here we go"... or something like that.
"blindingly bright light"--all three words mean light or bright. I would delete blindingly.
"The light pulsed like a live entity..."--I would delete "like a live entity." The rest of your sentence already has a "like." So it would look like this: The light pulsed--like it had a beating heart of it's own.---simple, and to the point.

Be careful of the "was" and "were" words. They take away from the beauty of the writing. Try to structure sentences without them...if possible. Sometimes, however, there are no alternatives. You had many of them in the beginning, but later on I didn't see many at all.

So, I must conclude with...I LOVED IT! Heck yes I did. When I have a free space on my shelf, I'm going to put your story there. Great work with this, and good luck. Six stars for your star maker!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings

Although YA is not my usual genre, I did find this to be the most delightful read. Your style is very flowing and poetic. The pace is perfect not too rushed.

The banter between Winnie and Siren about the laundry was very natural and engaged me completely as a reader. At the end of chapter 2, I love how you vividly describe the beauty of the sunset as the mixture of two polar opposites - very well done.

High stars and placed on my WL for further reading.

Linda
Threads of Time
since you love romance and magic you might want to take a read.

What a fun read. I love it.
I love the phrase 'her smile blossomed' it's so classic.
you have a fun story here that pulls readers in by the creative tone of this.
Love the title a lot.
You write very well at a pace that keeps things moving.
Grand work, keep it up.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

This is a genius idea of a book! Love it! <3

A great future for the work is obvious. A suggestion: "a horse rears-up" might be enough description instead of "rears up on its back legs." On my WL

Beautifully written!!!! The premise is wonderful, original with a touch of the old fairytales. I love the way you describe things, it's most poetic and very evocative. Loved the wit and sarcasm with Owen and Aerona. Even the formatting is exceptionally well done. It's very easy to follow along with and become immersed. I can't wait to see where this goes. Tons of potential. Six stars. Please let me know when you add more chapters!! (:

Sincerely,
Bre
Memoria