The Girl Who Ran with Wolves

Hi Kirstie, what a wonderful book! I found it on YARG and am gripped. i have just finished chapter 5 and wanted to leave you a comment - I'll try and make it short though, I want to get back to Chapter 6!
The imagery is fantastic, I could picture the scenes very easily, and i got into the book very quickly. I engaged immediately with Tala and wanted to know what was going on from page 1.
A couple of points I wanted to raise - the tense changes in the last section in Chapter 4 from past to present. I'm not sure if its deliberate, but it doesn't work for me. I was also confused about JJ, he is described as 'new', yet his gossip and rumour mongering is being listened toin the village, which doesn't really ring true to me. Is he a long-term resident of the village and just new at the wildlife centre? although given his love for animals/deer, why wouldn't he have been working there for some time if he lived in the village. As the wolves are new arrivals to the area, maybe he could be a long term & respected employee at the centre, that would explain why people are paying so much attention to his comments.
I also wasn't sure about the invisibility cloak, I think it's a great idea and her ability obviously stems from her affinity, I just think she's too accepting of it initially, especially when she doesn't really understand her affinity herself yet.
i hope these are helpful, and don't forget, just my opinions. Overall, I am thoroughly enjoying 'The Girl Who Ran With Wolves' it is pacy, interesting and gripping, with interesting characters - i especially like the family dynamics between Tala's mum and nan. I also like the way you have incorporated the dreams - long enough to evoke wonderful imagery & pique interest, yet short enough that they enhance and don't distract from the waking story. Also a good idea to put them in italics. I will bear this in mind for my own work!
Again - wonderful book, and I'm going straight back to it. Well done!

Karen Perkins
'An Ill Wind'
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/

Just stumbled across your book. It's brilliant - I really love it. Very well written. Tightly edited. Believable 'real' dialogue and well developed characters. And what a storyline. This totally has me hooked. I've only had time to read 3 chapters tonight, but I shall be back very, very soon to read the rest. I think this book has so much potential. Wishing you much success with TGWRWW.
Eva H
I knew I couldn't keep away - just been back to read another 3 chapters - my Sunday afternoon treat! The quality of your writing is high and consistent, and the story rollicks along. Very gripping. Only query - at the end of chapter four Tala hides the front door key in the bat box. But I didn't notice any reference to that afterwards (but I may have missed it). If not, and as she then went on to shapeshift anyway, would it be worth having her wonder why it didn't prevent her from getting out of the house? Just a thought. This so totally deserves to be on the editors desk. Good luck, Kirstie.

CHIRG review:
This is an excellent story. I haven't read much but have put it on my watchlist and starred it. It is beautifully written and has a feeling of mystery running alongside a veneer of normality. The dialogue is very good and realistic. One small editing point in Ch 1: I think there should be an apostrophe after wolves in the phrase 'wolves eyes'.
CJ Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

YARG review
Hi Kirstie, this has been a really interesting read so far (and I really love the cover too!) I haven't read much paranormal fiction centred on wolves but I'm enjoying this and your description of the wolves, especially the young cub is very appealing - that interesting mix of beauty and savagery

I like the setting and the way you describe the village - I can feel those hot summer days through your writing! And the idea of pastoral bliss vs mysterious wolves is a great contrast. The end of chapter 1 is a great hook and made me want to read on.

In chapter 2 I really enjoyed the line 'adrenaline pumping through my veins like a double espresso' - very original!

Small editing point in Chapter 3 'I notice(d) the look she threw'
Also I was slightly confused when you talked about JJ saying Tala's nan was mad - has that been brought up before because I was under the impression that JJ and Tala had only just met.

Tala's nan is a great character though, I don't like her mum as much, but I enjoyed the idea of her nan talking to the plants even before I knew why she did it.

This is really great and I'm going to be reading on, watch list and high stars for now. Unfortunately there are already a couple of books I really need to finish but I will get back to this as soon as I can.

Isabel Mac

I've read a bit further than I did originally, but I enjoyed it then and thought it showed a lot of promise. Sorry about the delay in backing this. Rosalind
A RELATIVE INVASION

CHIRG review

This is not my normal genre of reading but I think your writing is very good. I probably would have scanned read it all if it was up! :-) It grabs the reader and makes them want to find out more etc. I guessed Tala would turn into a wolf but wasn't sure and had to find out! It's sad too with her mum leaving but there is almost a special mission feel to it; like having to sacrifice for the greater good. Hope that makes sense.

Good job!
Beverly
Jennis Amazing Adventures

Kirstie, This is a very interesting concept. I love your voice in it as it makes the story big time. You MC is cool and I like what she is all about. There is a somber but real feel about this and I think it will do well. The reason I say that is because as far away from my genre it may be, I found myself so deep in this I couldnt believe it. I will be scoring this high, so well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

CHIRG

Kirstie,

I really like this story - it's so original and fresh, and though I've only read the first three chapters so far I've enjoyed them so much I'll definitely be coming back to read the rest. I love the Grandmother - I can see her in my mind's eye as I read - and I really love the way dialogue is used.

I wasn't sure if I liked the 'dream' bits at the beginning of the chapters but they've grown on me, actually, and I can now appreciate them for the lovely bits of writing that they are. Overall the whole thing is tightly written, well-structured, perfectly paced and compelling. I really like it and I'm delighted to have the opportunity to read it.

Very well done and I wish you all the best with it.

Best wishes

SJ
'Eldritch'

CHIRG,
Read the first two chapters. This is such an engaging read. From the opening dream sequence to the meeting in the village hall, everything flowed beautifully. I think Tala's going to have her work cut out to protect the wolves from the farmers' guns. High stars.
Jane

CHIRG review
Hi Kirstie

I read this many months ago so thought I'd come back and have another look.
First of all, the new cover is really eye-catching.
The opening dream sequence pulled me right into the book - dramatic, vivid and shocking with the cub being shot. I like the fact that is short and sharp in delivery - very effective.
There is the overlap of dream and reality in this opening chapter which quickly made me question how real Tala's dreams were.
The fact that she manages to communicate with the injured cub suggests she has an affinity with these creatures.
Her nan's reaction to Tala's dream and the wolf tooth necklace added another dimension of how much the old lady actually knows about the wolves and her granddaughter's dreams.
Chapter two starts with another powerful dream. You write this with a clarity that suggests it is not a dream at all. Like the idea of mum being a bit OCD on the cleaning and not particularly liking animals.

This is very engagingly written and the snappy pace works well. I particulalry like the way the chapters open with one of Tala's dreams. Having spent the large part of my childhood living very close to Bodmin Moor I find the possibility of these creatures roaming the moors highly believable. We've yet to find hard evidence of the Beast of Bodmin!

Top stars.
Debbie

Very well written and an interesting and unusual story. Tala is a good MC and we can empathise with her straight away. High stars and WL.
Andrea

YargIII review
I really ike the structure you have adopted. The nightmare section right the way through works very well. The prosaic nature of much of the domestic scene provides such a contrast but as tension builds, the incidents increase and your MC's affinity becomes evident, you are landed with an excellent conflict on which to hang the novel as a whole. I did think you could work on your very first nightmare to make it even more mysterious and frightening. It is not the most dramatic of the 10 preludes I read. I also think you could delve more into the internal conflict Tala struggles with. Otherwise she is a believable character. The overall tone and plotline will appeal to your target group. Lastly, I think a better title might be A Running with Wolves. Well done for a striking novel. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

YALF review

Hi Kirstie,

I've read through chapter 4. I know I've read a couple of chapters of this before and thought it was disjointed. I'm not sure if you've made changes since them, but I don't feel the same way anymore. The whole thing flows so much more smoothly.

The premiss of "The Girl Who Ran With Wolves" is good. It's much different than what I thought it would be. I was expecting a book along the lines of "Shiver" with werewolves and such. So far, this has been refreshingly different.

I love Nan. I love her earthy quirkiness.

For the most part, your dialogue is really good. Everything feels natural.

If there is one thing I think might help, it would be more emotion. There seems to be a bit of a lack of it. There are so many weird things going on in Tala's life right now and she seems to just take it all in her stride. I'm curious to know how she reacts physically, vocally and mentally to what is going on around her through descriptions. I want to feel what she feels. Is she exasperated that she can't share her dreams with Ben and that he thinks she's jumping to conclusions? Is she angry that her mom is obviously keeping things from her?

Also, there are times when it feels characters just know some things that you wouldn't think they'd know. For example, Ben knows that the cub has been unresponsive to Sally even though she only texted him to say a cub was brought in off the moor.

Beyond that, there I only have a few nitpicks:

Chapter 2:
- "...trust you!' Ben said(comma) his eyes widening..."
- "...escaping,' Sally replied, pushing open the staff..."

Chapter 3:
Tala mentions that JJ said Nan was mad, but I don't remember him doing that. There was a customer who said there is something strange about the grandma, but she was female and I was under the impression JJ was male.

Overall, "The Girl Who Ran with Wolves" is a great story with a lot of potential. Highly starred.

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

This is a YALF review.  not sure if I made it in time for you to get this wiht the others - with the thread site moving, so I put it everywhere. :-)

Hi Kirstie! I read the last few comments posted about your characters and their relationships and they were really right on. I hope you are able to add to that aspect of your book, but when I read, my attention was focused on the wolf aspect. You have really grabbed an incredibly difficult idea and molded it into a beautiful work! I came across a few odds and ends that you might want to edit that I will list for you in a minute, but really, your book is fascinating and very well done! I love the way the dreams interact with her real life. You have played it very carefully, and added more information with each dream so that her questions and the readers mind grows closer to the truth with each chapter. Fascinating. .

Here are a few simple edits I ran across that you might just want to take a second look at:
“I looked up and saw Ben’s tall, wiry figure silhouetted through the glass door.” I understand what you are meaning to say here, with “silhouetted” as an adjective, but it might still read easier as a noun. “. . . saw Ben’s wiry silhouette through the glass door.”
Repetition: “ . . . lapped for ages . . .’ then the next sentence, “then Sally spent ages tring to get her to eat.” Just thinking it might flow better if you used a different word than “ages” for the first phrase.

“Sally gave me a motherly smile and began to stride along the corridor.” “began to stride” is just very awkward. “began to” anything is usually something we stay away from, but the word “stride” is just odd. Try something like “headed down the corridor” or something more familiar. (but then Im not English, so maybe that is familiar there. Sorry)

“what to do about the problem of the wolves on the moor.” Don’t think you even need the words “the problem.” We understand that the people think they are a problem and it just makes the sentence harder to read.
“I huddled my arms around myself” odd. You might want to try something like “I wrapped my arms around myself,” or even “I huddled, wrapping my arms around myself.”

“ . . . Wearing nothing but my pajamas and with my feet bleeding . . “ just kind of awkward. Would it work better to say something like, “wearing nothing buy my pajamas and my bleeding feet.” ???
Then the next sentence brings up the bleeding feet again in a way that sounds like it wasn’t brought up before, “she looked at my feet, which were scratched, bleeding and filthy . . “ you could simplify by saying “she looked at my filthy bleeding feet.”

Anyways, that’s it. IT looks like a lot, but I usually come up with a LOT more than this. You are really a great writer! I totally enjoyed reading your book. The more I got into it the more fascinated I became with your style and the way you weaved her wolf affinity into her reality. Really amazing. I also loved how you made the story to attach the reader to the heart and plight of the wolves, but I never felt like I was being preached at. It is a story, and a good one, and it drew me in to love and feel for the wolves in a way that I never would have without your story. I also appreciated how even our “bad guy” has a side to him that we don’t understand yet. I didn’t get to that answer yet, but I liked that there were questions there. I feel like we all have sides to us that people around us don’t understand. And usually, when someone causes pain, it is because they are hurting.
Fascinating.! And Good luck to you
JEannette Singleton

YALF Review
The Girl Who Ran with Wolves
Hi Kristie
This is a great story that I found easy to read and would, I believe, be enjoyed by its target audience. It has a nice narrative arc and the plot in general develops at a good pace and your use of vocabulary is not overly complicated. Your characters of Tala, Ben and Nan are all strong and have their individual voices. Tala’s mother felt a little detached and I couldn’t quite relate to her, perhaps this is because she is hiding something from her daughter at the beginning, but I liked her cleanliness streak.
So now for my comments on the first five chapters with some ideas etc which obviously you can take on board or ignore as you want
Chapter 1
In the dream sequence you introduce the wolf, they immediately talk about it as a she. Initially this threw me, as for me wolf = it. So when I read I wondered, how do we know it is female? Obviously as the story goes on we discover it is the mother, but I perhaps would have said ‘Following a she-wolf with rough grey fur.’
“Mum was bustling around the kitchen (ready for work) in her nurse’s uniform...” dressed in her nurse’s uniform made it feel as if she just happened to be wearing one.
Buster is nice and the dog flap idea gives us a great sense of how big he is.
‘Sally texted me this morning, a (female) wolf cub was brought in to the wildlife center. She’s got a gunshot wound in her back leg.” Here I would perhaps add in female. It just seems odd to me to talk about a wild animal and immediately start saying he or she.
The caretaker began mowing the sun-yellowed green…, then in the next para you say ..Ben said as the green double decker appeared… I would perhaps change the first green to lawn to avoid repetition of green.
I felt a jolt of recognition. The amber eyes were so similar to the eyes that had peered through the darkness in my dream. I told myself not to be silly, all wolves eyes probably looked the same, and leant closer to the bars. I pursed my lips and made a squeaking noise, like you would to a cat. The she-cub looked at me curiously. I heard a high-pitched whimper, and it was only when Ben gave me a funny look, that I realized the sound came from me. Embarrassed, I turned away from his gaze. The cub looked at me intently so I whimpered again.
7 I’s in one para feels a little too much. When I try writing in the first person like this it is hard not to do this. Here is an idea.
I felt a jolt of recognition. The amber eyes were so similar to the eyes that had peered through the darkness in my dream; but perhaps all wolves’ eyes looked the same. I leant closer to the bars, pursed my lips and made a squeaking noise, like you would to a cat. The cub looked at me curiously. There was a high-pitched whimper. Only when Ben gave me a funny look did I realized the sound had come from me. Embarrassed, I turned away from his gaze back to the cub’s. It continued to watch me intently, making me whimper again.
I liked the scene in Nan’s house, very homely and grounded. The wolf tooth necklace is a great idea.
Chapter 2
The dream sequence
“Two dogs burst, crashing and tearing, from the trees.” I would perhaps twist this around. It read as though the dogs exploded. Also ‘crashing and tearing’, tearing, I think you mean in the sense of movement tearing? So perhaps “Two dogs burst out of the trees, crashing and tearing into the clearing. I shrank back. Two men followed.
“…adrenaline pumping through my veins, like the effect of a double espresso…” I would add effects as coffee filled veins seems odd.
I love Buster’s reactions, they hint at that animal fear engendered by other animals, great.
I’d go for placed a kiss on my forehead, not dropped.
“I wished I were going for a swim in the sea instead of the hot, smelly wildlife center…” This felt out of context. It made it sound like Tala doesn’t like the wildlife center. Given her excitement and secret planning, not telling her mum etc. I would perhaps consider changing this or taking it out.
I liked the council meeting it had a good rhythm and showed Tala as read to stand up for her beliefs.
Chapter 3
I like the fact that after each dream Tala has a memento, like the hair on the pyjamas, it all leads up to this dream sequence and Tala finding herself outdoors.
I would have liked to have had the relationship between Tala’s mum and Nan described a little before now. She calls her Nell and I had assumed Nan was her mother, not until chp 4 did I realize it was Tala’s paternal grandmother. Perhaps I missed this detail being explained.
Chapter 4
This comment is about the scene in the shop when you talk about the gossip. She is talking about Nell and her being like a witch and then in the next sentence the gossip says that the daughter is the worst, given that they are talking about Nell and given I thought she was the maternal grandmother, by daughter I thought that she meant Hannah not Tala. Again explaining the relationships earlier might help.
‘Start by taking a few deep breaths to relax (yourself) not you.’
The invisibility thing, I think you need to make Tala more shocked or amazed or something. Also calling it a cloak I didn’t like and it is described as a trick. It all felt too mundane. Perhaps have Nan explain that as Tala is special because of her affinity, and that with this comes other powers. Nan could be wary, should she tell her or not given the mothers previous reactions. Perhaps have Tala coax her to tell something to spice it up a bit.
Chapter 5
This is a good chapter and has Tala starting to use her ‘gifts’ to help the Brother Wolf. Nicely written and filled with the danger of being caught.
The only thing that got me was when Tala goes into the shop. The bell chimed, so I assume the door had opened and closed, Maggie looks up but doesn’t think it odd that there is an opening and closing door with nobody there. Couldn’t she have sneak in alongside the woman and two girls who would then have gone to read the magazines?
I hope my comments are useful and not too nit-picky.
Good luck
David

YALF – Part two
Carrying on from my earlier comment...

Ch2
This is Buster’s second odd reaction (I think?) so I’m not sure that ‘weird’ covers it. It feels odd that Tala relates it (so knows it is somehow significant) but draws no conclusions about it; doesn’t even seem to speculate about it. I think she should either relate the two incidents and wonder what is making him nervy – is he ill? Is he being picked on by other cats? – or you could have him catch her with his claws as he runs off and make her cleaning the scratches and being cross about it the focus of the scene.
JJ – We have only just had her description of him in the dream so when the description matches I don’t think you need to have her make the connection straight away. I would let the reader think “Maybe that’s...” and have Tala just take what she thinks is an irrational instant dislike to him and then realise that it’s because he looks like the man in the dream.
Ch3
There is a superfluous comma in Para 2 after ‘village’ & another a bit further on: ‘She threw Nana a strange look, before picking up her bag and walking out.’
I found the time jump here odd and unnecessary. First, Mum says she’s late for work and asks if Tala is coming home with her. After a moment’s thought I realised that you meant that Mum needed to go home to finish getting ready for work before going to work but at first reading she seemed to be contradicting herself. I think you need to clarify what’s happening.
So we have Tala saying she’ll stay at Nan’s rather than go home. The next thing that happens is that Tala and Mum are walking from home to Nan’s. Obviously, the reader can work out that at some point Tala left Nan’s to go home and is now returning, but why? What has she been doing all day? Why does the coming conversation have to take place in the evening? What do Mum and Tala talk about on the walk over? What did Nan and Tala talk about that morning? Why not just have the evening scene in the morning? What purpose does the time jump serve? It feels like you have cut a scene.
The other problem with having it in the evening is that Nan’s preparations make no sense. She knows what she is going to want to teach Tala but she has not rehearsed the chant (and as it is supposed to be handed down through the generations it’s rather worrying that she has to strain to remember it), and has not got the plant and stone ready. If this ritual so important to keep Tala safety why didn’t she do that during the day rather than cooking what sounds like far too much food for three people? If you have the scene in the morning then it’s more credible that she wouldn’t have the plant and stone ready (although it’s still pushing it – we know she has been arguing with Mum about telling Tala: wouldn’t she have this stuff ready, just in case? And I really think she should know the chant perfectly).
‘...mad like JJ thought’? I think you must have had some sort of incident between the morning and evening at Nan’s and have cut it without tidying up the loose ends.

Ch4
So she didn’t do the ritual before bed? Why isn’t Nan in more of a hurry to give her the angelica & agate? Why risk another night?
‘...the daughter’s the worst of the lot...’ shouldn’t that be granddaughter?
So JJ is spreading stories – but how does he know about Tala’s affinity? We haven’t heard of her doing anything particularly odd. Is whimpering at a wolf cub really that odd a thing to do? And why are the villagers listening to him when he has only arrived in the last few days? From my experience of growing up in a village the gossip would be about him, not generated by him.
“Poisoned wolf fights for life.” It wasn’t instantly clear that a second, male, cub had been found and brought to the wildlife centre. At first it was possible that you had switched the first cub’s gender. Could Tala read the first few lines of the report to clarify this? “A second wolf cub has been found on the moor. The cub appears to have been poisoned...”
“Yeah, that stuff he said about your Nan was a bit weird.” Ben’s not much of a friend! He seems to have listened to JJ badmouthing Nan and not challenged him or told Tala about it. How about “I didn’t like to tell you, but...”
“You saw him getting meat from the cold store” Did I miss when that happened? Or is it in the missing section of Ch 3?
I think you need to explain how the cloak of invisibility relates to having affinities. It just feels conveniently plonked at the moment. Makes me wonder what else Nan is going to casually mention just at the point where it would be useful.
Ch5
Wouldn’t Maggie think it was odd that the door was opening on its own? I would have tala slip in behind the mad who didn’t notice her.
How long is JJ in the room? All he seems to do is smirk at the wolf but the phrasing makes it seem like he’s in there for longer. Maybe just have him stick his head around the door.
Nan says “You must say the chant” but has she actually handed over the plant and the stone? Did I miss this?

Overall, I would like more local colour. I have no feel for where the village is. I get that it’s near moors and sea but is it Devon? Yorkshire? Scotland? You could tell me it wasn’t even in the UK and there wouldn’t be much to contradict that. Nan certainly should have some sort of accent/dialect, shouldn’t she? With maybe Mum speaking more formally because she is an outsider? How does Tala speak?

I would like to have heard something about Tala’s Dad by now, too. At first I assumed Nan was Mum’s Mum because I would expect a single parent to be near her family, not the in-laws. Why has Mum stayed? You don’t have to reveal all your mysteries at once, but some hints would be helpful.

This is a YALF review

More on Kirstie’s lovely wolfy story.

Chapter Seven

I don’t like “perforated” for moonlight.
I’d cut “easily” because the meaning is all there in “pierced”.
Stench of anger is a nice thing to put on the end of the list of stenches.
“lept” is a typo.
“also with a door.” This is a building and you’ve clarified that is has a door. I don’t think you need to.
I like the transition here between the two Talas.
“I thanked God for the hidden back door key” would be better as “I thanked God I’d hidden the back door key.”
“his Mum” should have a lower case “m”.
“crept silently…” Rather than noisy creeping?
“if he knew the truth about my affinity…” Tala herself doesn’t seem sure she isn’t dreaming and sleepwalking. This, for me, is where I get confused in the book. Tala seems to simultaneously believe and not believe rather than be gradually convinced.

Chapter Eight

There’s something all weird and lovely about the elephant in the night.
Two lots of “eerily” close together is too many.
Again, in this chapter Tala is wondering how she could have got the wolf hairs on her etc. But in the previous one, she was considering telling Ben about her affinity.
“back in the heat and light of the day…” I like this - the link between the dream and Tala’s real life.

Lucy

YALF/YARG review

Kirstie,
It has been while since I visited this book, and the details are foggy, but I remember enjoying the read, so am glad to get back into it. I'm starting over at the beginning, and will just comment as I read.

Chapter 1
You've got some good description of the holidaymakers going down the the sea as Tala and Ben wait for the bus. Then the bus trip itself seems to cut through the moor, but we don't get any description of the landscape, beyond 'soft purple and brown'. There is no sense of movement either, no noise of the bus, or bumping around, or bus smells. Not a lot is needed, but a line or two of description here might help pull the reader into the story, to place us next to Tala and watching the scenery roll by.

I want to know a little bit about what Nan looks like, and maybe a hint or two about Tala's dad. I seem to remember something about him from before, but I don't recall when he gets mentioned. Maybe he doesn't.

Chapter 2
In chapter one Ben offers Tala a drink after she feeds the cub, now in this chapter Sally does the same. Maybe Ben should ask her something else, maybe just what she's doing that day, since getting a drink from the staffroom wouldn't really keep her from visiting her nan.

I feel like the dream on top of the encounter with JJ in the staffroom may make it too obvious that he's the bad guy. Maybe she shouldn't connect him to the dream right away, or recognize him at all. She could just get a bad feeling or something, or even no feeling at all. Maybe he's just new to the wildlife center and looks at her strange when he finds out she's so good with the wolf cub. Maybe he makes a comment about her necklace-surely not many people go around with a wolf tooth necklace. Just throwing out ideas.

It seemed a bit strange for Tala's mom to take her to the village meeting, then reprimand her for saying something in defense of the wolves, something which seemed fairly mature and well-thought. If she truly doesn't want her involved, why take her to the meeting in the first place?

Chapter 3
An interesting twist right at the beginning of the chapter-Tala wakes up from her wolf dream out on the moor. She learns about her affinity, but clearly there is something big that Nan wants her to know that Mum wants to keep from her. I don't have a lot to say about this chapter, except in the last paragraph–'I wondered if Nan was a little bit mad like JJ thought.' JJ has only said Hello to Tala, so she can't possibly know that he thinks her nan is mad. Have you edited out a conversation?

Chapter 4
Now Ben mentions JJ's comments about Nan. Also, Tala somehow knows that Ben saw JJ taking meat from the cold store, even though he hasn't mentioned it.

Tala's reaction to the cloak of invisibility is maybe a little too accepting. This is a lot to take in. Not only does she have an affinity for wolves which allows her to see them in her dreams (so she thinks), but now she can make herself invisible just by thinking about blending in with her surroundings. Not only that, but she seems to make a good first attempt. It just seems like it should be something that takes a bit more time to get used to, both in believing it is something that she can do, and in doing it. Her reaction is 'it sounded kind of odd'. Well, it sounds like magic or witchcraft to me, and wouldn't she at this point be wondering just what having an 'affinity' really means?

Chapter 5
I don't really have a lot of crits for this chapter. I'm wondering a bit about JJ and the baby deer.

As you said on the YALF forum, this is definitely a bit sparse on description, and maybe that would help pull the reader into the story a bit more. It probably doesn't need to be a lot, but enough to paint a bit of a picture of the setting, and a characteristic or two for each character, something the reader can picture and then fill in the rest. We only have physical descriptions of Tala, Ben, and JJ. I want to know what Nan and Mum look like, and maybe Sally. I also would like a bit more about Nan's house, and her garden.

Hopefully this is helpful. Best wishes.
Kate

YALF
Still very easy to read and some lovely endings to the chapters.
Chapters Seven and Eight
No particular comments on Chapter Seven.
Chapter Eight
Some of the movements in the dream scene with the wolves confused me. One minute she is lying down on her back, then she turned and then she rolled backwards. And after that she hunkered to the ground - did she get up in between all this?
Was she actually bitten? It wasn't clear.
The description of how she left the zoo, jumping from the wall felt a little lacking in feelings from Tala. She would have been scared and a bit shocked, even if she still thought it was a dream.
I'm not sure why she still doesn't believe her nan about the shape shifting. Perhaps she could come to realise herself without her nan, that she is a shapeshifter. Then her nan could confirm it?
My only other comment at this stage is that the relationship between Tala and her mother seems quite cold - this may be deliberate, but I get the feeling that her mum is trying to protect her. Perhaps use other words to describe how her mother speaks to her, rather than 'coldly'. If she is 'cold', ignore this, but perhaps ramp up those feelings a bit.
These comments are really just tweaks to a great story. Keep at it and it will be brilliant.
Please ignore any of my thoughts you don't agree with.
Jx

YARG/YALF review

Hi Kirstie

I’ve read the first 5 chapters of The Girl Who Ran With Wolves and made some notes.

I haven’t a lot of suggestions regarding the writing, it’s all very readable and clear. The dialogue is good. I’m used to YA rather than books for younger teens but I think the writing seems aimed at the right age group. There’s nothing too confusing or difficult but it’s not too simple either.

Usually I don’t like dream sequences but I think these are fine because they are important to the plot and you’ve kept them short and eventful.

There’s a bit of a tense shift at the beginning of chapter 5 (after the dream) which just needs some proof reading.

If I had to criticise something I’d say that the invisibility seems a bit convenient and unlinked to the whole wolf thing, but maybe there’s a good reason for that later on.

I like the idea of an affinity rather than a straight shape-shifting story. It gives it a more unique spin. There’s also potential for sequels since different family members have different affinities.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Em

I love stories of humans embracing their wild side. I believe everyone has an animal totem somewhere inside them. I found mine when I was eight – a winged velociraptor. I love predators. As Tala has an affinity for wolves, I have an affinity for birds of prey.

Whether it affects anything or not, Tala being a shapeshifter was actually very predictable. Perhaps she should already know that at the story’s beginning she does it from the beginning, since it’s not really a surprise. Other revelations that come later are surprising, and those were very well handled.

Everyone at some point feels like they are against the world alone. Young adults can particularly relate to that, since many of them are going through some of the worst of that struggle at the time. Staying true to one’s identity, even when it seems everyone is against you, is an extremely confusing and traumatic battle. I’m still going through it, it’s a very real journey to follow.

The passages of Tala in her wolf form, I feel, are the best parts of the story. Dark, thrilling, immersing herself completely into her wild nature to be with her pack . . . I love it. The haunting setting of the moors is perfect too. These parts, followed by the human Tala’s quest to help her pack works perfectly. The fact that Tala’s ‘dreams’ make up a story in themselves, I think, is what makes them work better than many dream sequences in other stories.

I think one reason some people are saying Tala isn’t that relatable is that she has no story prior to her affinity with wolves, not much else of her personality is explored, and we don’t know how her passion for wolves originated. Perhaps this story needs a chapter or two near the beginning exploring those. Also, the sentences that say Tala ‘held her wolf-tooth pendant’ are a bit too many later on. As she needs it to transform, establish that early on and then mention it maybe once more. That would be enough.

I’m sure quite a few people did frame wolves for killing livestock by laying out butchered corpses back in the days of their persecution. People who believe wolves and other carnivores pose a constant threat to them, their herds, and their children typically don’t understand predators at all. Predators will go after their natural prey even when humans and livestock are readily available because wild prey are a safer and usually more sufficient food source. Also, wild animals don’t attack on sight. It took human so long to learn this, and as a result many beautiful predatory animals have been extirpated from much of the world. The villagers embodied exactly this and I too see them as the real villains of the story.

It’s interesting when enemies becomes friends, and I think this transition between James and Tala was written very well. Becoming allies when they are both in danger, and reaching an understanding of each other while still not the best of friends. I really felt for James in the end, when I learned his reasons for fearing the wolves. Real reasons, unlike the villagers. Tala’s mother was horrible. She’s a well-written character, but . . .wow.

I’m conflicted about zoos. The first zoos that existed were nothing more than cages just big enough to hold the animals they contained. Animals such as wolves, leopards, any active animals really, need many, sometimes hundreds, of square miles for territory. So . . . even though zoos these days, and the wildlife center in the book, try to give animals ‘a good habitat’ and ‘plenty of room’, it’s still not enough for them. It’s still very confining and too human-controlled to give them a real sense of freedom or identity as the creatures they’re supposed to be. I would have liked to see the wolves live free in the wilderness at the end. I also think that in the real world, we should put effort into reintroducing animals and reconstructing lost habitats around the world, and gradually put an end to zoos.

In chapter ten, Tala explains to Ben that she’s a shapeshifter, though not a werewolf. Actually, humans with the ability to shapeshift into wolves was the original definition of a werewolf. Although it’d be interesting for Tala to be called, and consider herself a ‘spiritual wolf’ maybe rather than a werewolf.

I liked when Tala was shot. I like characters going on these dangerous adventures to suffer real injuries, it makes it more realistic and actually hear-pounding. It’s also fun to watch her, even as a human, slowly become more wolf-like. I also like Tala and Ben. They’re actually working together, rather than drooling over each other. They’re strong and motivated, yet it costs them. It almost costs Ben everything, yet he still sticks by Tala. Sweet, and a good lesson. Very intriguing how the book ends. I’d be very interested in a sequel story following Tala and her Nan and Dad.

YALFing in stages - this is part one, on Ch 1 only.

I like the title and the chapter intro - very evocative.

Once we get into the story proper I'm finding the description of people's appearances rather awkward. They seem to be there because you feel we should know what they look like, but they don't really advance my understanding of the characters. The two-adjective structure of the descriptions (thick, dark; blond, curly) feels formulaic and is also reminding me of Mills & Boon for some reason!

I don't actually think you need the descriptions on each character's first appearance, particularly because this is first person narrative - when you look at yourself in the mirror do you really describe your hair to yourself? Or when you see someone you know do you think "Ah, there's X with his blond, curly hair."? If you are keen to describe people when they first appear then maybe you could mix it up a little - so to introduce Tala's body shape you could say something like "I pulled on my pants, shorts, and a T-shirt. Sadly, despite being well past my fifteenth birthday, I still do not need a bra.";

Does Tala's mum's bun tell us something about her character? If it does, then make that the impetus for mentioning it so her hair is 'pulled back into a bun with her customary neatness', or perhaps 'her wild blonde hair tamed into a bun'? Do you see what I mean? EIther of those (or something like them) is more useful to the reader than just knowing that Tala's Mum has blonde hair that she wears in a bun. I want to know whether that's just because it needs to be out of her way for work or whether it's a refection of her personality.

'I said, instead' is a bit clunky.

The newspaper story doesn't read like local newspaper language, IMHO.

Ben invites Tala to go and see the wolf cub with him, saying he has been invited, then as they head to the wildlife centre Tala asks Ben if she thinks they will be able to see the cub. I'm not sure whether that's deliberate, to make Tala come across as a bit needy or unsure, or whether it's an inconsistency that has crept in.

And that's the end of the chapter. I will return!

This is a YALF review

The Girl who Ran with Wolves

Another chapter of Kirstie’s lovely book - an important chapter too, I think.

Chapter Six

“with a paw” How else? You could add the doggy detail that she does it with her back paw.
“In the end…” In the end of what? Not much time seems to have passed. You could start the sentence “I decided…” and not lose anything.
“But I couldn’t risk leaving him…” So, Tala has gone to the wildlife centre and has spotted JJ heading towards Brother Wolf. But this could have easily happened without her there - JJ is often there when Tala isn’t, presumably. Sometimes she kind of does risk leaving him there, in a way. He could “come back in here and kill Brother Wolf at any time” in fact.
“She hugged the side of me that wasn’t covered in egg…” I love that nan. I don’t remember the egg from last time, perhaps it’s new.
Oh, I think Widdenmoor and Widdenford are different places now. I was confused before but it makes sense.
Nan is finally explaining things to Tala but in some of the previous chapters it seems as though it would be impossible for Tala not to guess. She kind of thinks she’s dreaming but also that the dreams are true. And she woke up on the moor that time. It can’t be that much of a shock, more a confirmation, surely? Tala’s idea that she sleepwalks and goes to the wolves probably isn’t quite enough. She says later that she “traveled there in her dreams”.
“That evening…” It’s summer but seems to be dark very early.
“was in my dreams.” doesn’t need the comma in front of it.

Lucy

This is a CHIRG review:

I love the premise of this book. I think the affinity idea with various creatures/things is lovely. I love the idea and as a young girl would have wanted the book, t-shirt, film and posters.

I think your use of first person is well suited to what seems to be a personal journey for the protagonist.

A few things I noticed:

The first paragraph is strong. I notice however that perhaps there is an overuse of "I"
I understand that you are trying to create an effect with it, but perhaps reading it aloud and trimming back what isn't necessary to create the effect would improve it I feel.

The first line where Tala meets her Nan, the phrase "her face jumped into a startled expression" something about this sentence jars. Perhaps rephrasing it might give a slighty stronger finish to the sentence?



One final thought; I may have misunderstood this but the conversation where Tala her mum and nan sit down and discuss their affinities. I felt that Tala accepted her difference somewhat quickly.

"Okay, so I can understand wolves. That makes sense, 'cos I managed to get the wolf cub at the wildlife centre to trust me. That still doesn't explain why I woke up on the moor this morning. Was I sleep walking?

and prior to this in the chapter there is no speculation about her "abilities" at all so it felt like a bit of a bolt out of the blue within the confines of this chapter.

This is a great idea and I think that it is definitely somthing young people will want to read and follow. I can imagine them having intense discussions about what their affinity would be!

This is a YALF Review

The Girl Who Ran with Wolves

The title is very good, and clever. It tells exactly what the book is about. Your writing is smooth, and reads well. I didn't see grammatical errors, The only thing I could critique is that the description of your scenes could be pumped up. In the dream, we know you're in the woods, but we can't see it, or feel it beneath our feet, or see the trees shadows that are darker than the night, running with them, and we couldn't see the bathroom, or the kitchen, etc. etc. Every scene has its basics, but nothing that really put the reader into the scene. Reading is another form of TV---the reader wants to be enveloped in the movie in their head.

Your story is very good, and tightly woven. Add some descriptive adjectives! This isn't to be a negative critique, but a review to help you grow your skill to another level. You will get published one day, just keep on pecking those keyboards, and describing those scenes rolling out of your head. Great job! Let me know when you make changes and I'll read this again. Sincerely, Donna (Jessup and the Teleporter)

This is a YALF review

The Girl who Ran with Wolves

This continues to be a well-plotted and enjoyable read and I want a nan like Tala’s.

Chapter Four

“shrank fearfully” probably doesn’t need “fearfully.”
“on silent paws” is sweet.
“seemed to spin slowly.” Does “slowly” add anything?
“We are a bit weird.” I like this! It’s in the wrong tense though.
Do animals have intensive care? I’ve got no idea, perhaps they do.
“How’s the cub?” Tala means the other cub (the boy) but how would Ben know that?
Wobbly and drunk looking but unconscious too?
The invisibility thing is handy and I like the way Nan describes it. But is it connected to their affinities or not? Is it an extra?
“your Dad.” I don’t think this needs the capital letter because of the “your”. It makes it not his name but his relationship to Tala. Tala has it right just before she sighs.
“I sigh” is in the present tense, as is “I add” and later “I say” (just before “It should be easier to sneak…)


Chapter Five

I like the start of this chapter, especially the part about the alien smells in front of Tala and the comforting natural smells behind.
Tala still thinks these are dreams even though one time she actually woke up on the moor with muddy feet?
Is it called Widdenford or Widdenmoor? In Chapter Two, it’s Widdenford.
Aren’t sleeping things unconscious?
I’m a lot clearer this time round about who JJ is and what he’s doing.

Lucy

YALF/CHIRG
Chapters Three (continued) to Chapter Six
I notice a few inconsistencies. However, it might just be I have missed these so please ignore if they are rubbish.
DId I miss where JJ says Nan was a bit mad?' I don't remember reading that. Apologies if you have.
Chapter Four
Again the mention of JJ having said something about her nan.
'You saw him getting meat form the cold store.' - I don't remember that bit.
You might want to make it clearer that the poisoned cub is a different one to the one Tala has been visiting at the centre.

Other than these points the chapters roll along; your story has a great pace and an intense, intriguing plot.
Jx

YALF Review - The Girl Who Ran With Wolves.

Definitely one of the the top five books I've read on Authonomy. The story is excellent, perfect for children and probably also for the lower end of the YA age range. Pace perfect, descriptions developed where appropriate... I don't think it's lacking that "special something" that you mentioned, it's got all the right ingredients for a brilliant children's book!

I read up to chapter 10 and found a few typos: only small points that in no way detract from the quality of the story. (Mostly just my opinions of what would sound better, so feel free to ignore!)

Chapter 5. "Er no. No dreams" Needs a comma after er.
...
When Sally enters, Tala's dialogue needs a comma or full stop after "I'm sorry."
...
Penultimate paragraph, chapter 5, Nan's dialogue: there needs to be a comma before "I'm sure."


Chapter 6. "'Oh hello,’ I said in a loud voice. ‘Good to see him looking better isn’t it.’" Needs a comma before "isn't it"


Chapter 7. In Ben and Tala's dialogue, he used her name more times than it seemed natural to, and most times "Tala" needed a comma after it. Examples: 'Oh Tala not this again!’ ... 'Tala he can’t be. You’re mad,’ ... 'Oh Tala I don’t know' ... 'Are you sure Tala?' needs a comma before it.
...
"But that her capture wasn’t her fault, it was mine, not that it was possibly to explain that to Ben." Possible, rather than possibly?


Chapter 8 "‘What? Oh er yes,’ I lied." Commas before and after er?
...
T: ‘Oh I thought you had a late shift.’
...
T: ‘Oh nothing much.’
...
JJ: ‘Oh and how exactly d’you think taking photos will help them?’

I think they need commas after 'Oh'


Chapter 9. ‘I don’t want to move Mum. I’m happy here.’ Needs a comma after move, otherwise it sounds like Tala is saying that she doesn't want to physically move her mother!
...
'And did she really think of me as a freak.' Question mark, not full stop.
...
‘What’s up Tala?’
...
‘Oh Tala,’
These both need a comma before Tala.
...
‘What like that rubbish about your Nan?’
Comma before like.
...
‘Oh Tala that’s awful,’
Comma after Tala
...
‘Hello, my love I didn’t expect to see you tonight.’ Comma after love.
...
‘I thought I’d drop by. You don’t mind do you?’ Comma after mind.
...
‘No of course not. Fancy a hot cocoa?’ Comma after no.
...
‘Oh that name’s been put in the wrong place,’ Comma after oh.
...
‘Oh I see,’ I said, picking up my cocoa. ‘Anyway how was Pilates?’ Comma after oh, and after anyway.


Chapter 10. 'I won’t. Oh and Tala.’ Might sound better as 'Oh, and Tala?"
...
‘I had a look in the estate agents window today,’ Apostrophe before the s in agents.


I'll be backing this soon (currently on a mobile device that doesn't allow you to back) and I've six-starred you :)

This is a YALF review

The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

Just more crit stuff. Book is lovely.

Chapter Two

“closest man” should be “closer man” because there are two of them.
“like a double espresso” I sort of like this, but at fifteen espresso is maybe a surprising drink for Tala.
“ruffling the fur on her neck” I don’t know if this would be possible with just one finger poked through the bars.
“She dropped a kiss on my forehead” is nice.
“but I was hardly listening…” Since she is preoccupied with JJ and very interested in him, it’s strange she doesn’t want to hear everything Ben has to say.
“gave away her anxiety.” You probably don’t need this - her hands and eyes tell us she’s anxious in the same way as they do Tala.
I don’t remember the council meeting. I like it, again it makes Tala seem like she’s part of a bigger world.
This book is so cute.

Chapter Three

“on the dawn wind” I like.
“waved in the breeze” shouldn’t have the comma in front of it.
“her face jumped into…” I like this too.
Love that Nan says thank you to the plant.
Mum’s face was creased with anxiety in the last chapter, and it’s creased into a frown in this one. Maybe too much creasing?
“I tried to convince myself.” could do with a comma in front of it.
Nan and Mum are really good together. Their characters are both consistent and full, especially Nan.

I’m enjoying my re-read!

Lucy

Hi there

This is yarg and yalf and even Cwog, if your in that too!!! Arghh confusing

Anyways I will definetely b back to read more, because by the end of the chapter I was intrigued!

However I think you may need to reconsider the opening of chapter one. When I originally wrote Twell I had the same beginning, Twell has dream, wakes up from dream, has shower, dresses, describes her appearance, goes to kitchen and has conversation with her parent.

Then I sent it to a publisher who strongly advised me to start the first chapter any other way than that. She said it had been done so many times it was stale and they were sick of seeing books for ya begin this way. She suggested I start it later on in the day.

You can take that with a grain of salt, but it was actually someone from
Harper Collins Aus who gave me that advice. It's up too you though, and I do understand the dreams significance to the whole beginning.

Apart from that I think it's still a good starting chapter where I quickly wanted to know what the connection is with tala and the wolf.

The only sentence you might consider revising was where Bens arm
brushes hers when he unbolted the cage. It's too long, and a bit clunky.Maybe you could say

Bens arm brushed warm against mine as he reached up to unbolt the cage.

I'll b back for more!

Kata
Twell

This is a YALF review

The Girl who Ran with The Wolves

I’ve read a lot of books on here but this is the one I’m most certain I’d have enjoyed when I was a child. I read the whole MS (I think in an earlier form) and found it smooth, well-pitched and gentle.

The “affinity” part of the short pitch isn’t clear unless you’ve read the book. What’s an affinity?
The long pitch is very good, I think. It stops well short of giving the whole plot but makes the story sound interesting. Tala is a girl on a mission to save animals - if this was on the back of the book I’d have picked it up.

Chapter One

I’ve got no patience for dream sequences in books but this one is an exception. I think sometimes you could do away with the second adjective in your descriptions, “rough, grey fur” and choose just the more important one.
“strange dream” This makes me wonder what a normal dream would be. Although I do know what Tala means. You repeat it too, when Tala is wondering whether to tell her mum. Once is enough.
Do we need to know the cabinets are white? Does it tell us something about Mum? Maybe that she likes it clean? Not sure.
I like the way you include pieces from the paper. I’d forgotten how much. It makes it seem more realistic - Tala and her mum exist in a real world.
“strange coincidence” More “strange.” Let the reader see that it’s strange, maybe? I think we’d know.
“inwardly” doesn’t add anything.
“sick shock” is quite nice.
“He’s a year older than me…” is a slip into the present tense.
“We passed through the main entrance…” I enjoy the pace of the story, but if you want to speed it up, descriptions like this paragraph slow it down. You have Tala and Ben in the scene, which is good (rather than just describing it), but maybe it’s too much about the layout of the building for Chapter One. I’m okay with it - I want to know - but it could come later.
“she-cub” bothers me. Does it matter? Does “he-cub” exist? Are we all bored of me saying this stuff in YALF yet?
The dream is “strange” again.
The opening chapter is much better edited now. I can’t any close crit type stuff and I do love Nan.

Tala and The Wolves
The Wolf Necklace
Tala’s Tale
The Widdenmore Wolves
Wolf Tooth Girl
Wolf Girl
Etc…


Lucy

Hi there

This is yarg and yalf and even Cwog, if your in that too!!! Arghh confusing

Anyways I will definetely b back to read more, because by the end of the chapter I was intrigued!

However I think you may need to reconsider the opening of chapter one. When I originally wrote Twell I had the same beginning, Twell has dream, wakes up from dream, has shower, dresses, describes her appearance, goes to kitchen and has conversation with her parent.

Then I sent it to a publisher who strongly advised me to start the first chapter any other way than that. She said it had been done so many times it was stale and they were sick of seeing books for ya begin this way. She suggested I start it later on in the day.

You can take that with a grain of salt, but it was actually someone from
Harper Collins Aus who gave me that advice. It's up too you though, and I do understand the dreams significance to the whole beginning.

Apart from that I think it's still a good starting chapter where I quickly wanted to know what the connection is with tala and the wolf.

The only sentence you might consider revising was where Bens arm
brushes hers when he unbolted the cage. It's too long, and a bit clunky.Maybe you could say

Bens arm brushed warm against mine as he reached up to unbolt the cage.

I'll b back for more!

Kata
Twell

YALF/YARG
Chapters One to Three
First let me say how much I am enjoying reading this again. I'd forgotten how well you write and I also think the subject matter is great for children. From what I've read so far (which isn't much yet!) I would think the subject matter would suit the younger reader (maybe 10 plus??). Perhaps the mc should be slightly younger in that case? I'm just throwing that comment into the arena for discussion really.
Chapter One
Nothing jumped out at me in this chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Chapter Two - Three
I wondered why she confided in her nan about the wolves and her 'dream' but not her friend, Ben. It would feel more realistic perhaps if she spoke to someone her own age maybe?
At one point you say 'Nan's voice was calm and level, but her darting eyes and trembling hands gave away her anxiety.' Later you say 'I felt quite reassured by Nan's words.' I'm not sure she'd be reassured if she noticed the trembling.
I like the progression from thinking it's a dream to realising she's been running with the wolves. I very much like the endings of the chapters I have read so far.
The main comment I have so far (and it may be that this is dealt with later on) is that the story feels very centred on the mc and her 'dreams'. This makes the pace fast, (which from my point of view is great as I have such a short concentration span) but it doesn't allow her character to develop in any other way. As yet we haven't learn anything about her life outside of the wolves. We also haven't really learnt much about the other characters so far. Even though it's early days, I think there could be a few little snippets in these beginning chapters to let us into her life a bit more and into other characters (Ben?) who are going to play a big part in the story. I personally wouldn't add a huge amount, just enough to make us aware of other things going on in her life.
Anyway, I will come back and read more. I should add at this point that this story is extremely readable and this is down to the quality of your writing (and the pace!).
All the best
Julia x

YALF Kirstie Pursey, "The Girl Who Ran with Wolves"
(Kirstie, I posted this too soon on YALF, my apologies)

Kirstie: I'm going to risk my reputation as both a reviewer and a writer here. I'm going to (what are the labels that some have put on me? fawner and gusher) fawn and gush. I tried to be a hard-boiled reviewer, but I found nothing, and I truly mean *nothin* to criticize. Okay, I could nitpick a few things here and there - but it would be nitpicking so that I don't seem like I'm fawning and gushing. Nitpicking for that reason, however, seems as dishonest to me as anything of which I've been accused.

Fantasies about shapeshifters and wolves are not the genre I usually choose although I do love animals. I was only going to read your first three chapters in order to meet the 10,000 word requirement for doing a YALF review. I read your whole book and was totally mesmerized. You are a wonderful (gush, but true because I admire this ability sooooo much!) writer and I think you will not only be published but will become a very well-known writer. Your main character, Tala, is very well-written; your imagery is vivid, outstanding (I'd even like to paint some of your wolf scenes), and your dialogue is flawless: natural and authentic.

About all I can do here is summarize your book. I will include the "nitpicks" for you, however, and if they're any help to you - fine; if not, please ignore them.

I'm tired of reading books where 'dreams' are used to show the 'supernatural' side of a character....truly. But your dream sequences were brilliant and written so well that I thoroughly enjoyed them as a reader. One reason I liked them was because they were *not* crammed with a hundred names of weird supernatural beings. They were simple. Simple, clear, and lovely imagery - even if they were sad because the wolves were being hunted. Your dream sequences "gently" showed the other side of Tala - her shapeshifting side and her affinity with wolves. There was only one dream sequence/reality event that bothered me a bit....I don't remember which chapter (3?)....but in the dream sequence the Mother Wolf attacked Tala, bit her neck, I think....anyway I wondered why the Mother Wolf would attack her, but even more, I wondered how Tala woke up without any bite or even soreness on her neck? I was also a bit waylaid by the invisibility cloak. It really didn't seem necessary nor 'true' to your story. As a reader, I would have preferred reading about how Tala and Ben managed to get the antidote to the cub wolf without using the simple invisibility tool. It just seemed to make things too easy and to distract a bit from the affinity with wolves plot.

Your characters, especially Tala, are well developed. Nitpick: I had a bit of a problem with Tala's loving, nurse mother disowning Tala's brother, JJ, and then deserting Tala in the end. I also had a bit of a problem with JJ's sudden change of personality, i.e there seemed to be so much *hate* eminating from him toward Tala and the wolves, and then for Tala to convince him to not hurt the wolves seemed just a bit far-fetched. I know it would be cruel, but perhaps it might be more realistic to have JJ killed - either by wolves or by Tala or Ben, in self-defense?...or perhaps have him put in jail for trying to kill Tala and Ben? Ignore that suggestion, though, if you want to because you are the creative writer, not me.

Other minor characters whom I really enjoyed in your book: Buster....smile. That was so clever of you to have Buster rub up against Tala and then run from her as, before revealing that Tala was a shapeshifter, it gave some hint about the reality of her dreams. I, of course, loved Ben because he accepted and loved Tala. I also liked Nan a lot as well as Tala's Dad and his shapeshifting affinity for owls...delightful. Also neat 'clues' written into the events surrounding Tala were the clump of coarse hair, looking in the eyes of the club wolf in captivity and recognizing him, whimpering, and, of course, waking on the moors (beautiful imagery of the early morning as seen on waking there).

I abhored the village people who wanted to kill the wolves as well as JJ for setting up the wolves for killing sheep and poisoning them and encouraging others to shoot them (I didn't want him to turn into a 'nice' brother). They were the real villians of your story as well as those who wanted to permanently cage up the wolves in Ringhall Zoo. As a reader, that for which I was really hoping was that Tala and Ben would somehow raise enough money (perhaps she could find out that her father was wealthy and would finance it?) to build a large, natural zoo just for the wolves and the book could end with Tala and Ben married and appointed permanent keepers of the natural zoo.

For its genre, this is truly the best fantasy that I've read on this site. It's originality and uniqueness make it a book that all ages will enjoy even though you are writing it for young adults. This book deserves a five or six star rating and, when I've a space, it will be put on my bookshelf. I think it's simply outstanding writing even if no changes at all are made in the manuscript. Best wishes for publication and for you success as a writer/author.

Sincerely, Patricia Laster
Free to be Me

CHIRG review:
Hi, I've popped back to read another few chapters (7-9). Well, this just keeps getting better. You've managed to keep upping the tension, and throw in a couple of unexpected happenings as well. This is gripping. I think the parts when Tala shapeshifts into a wolf are very sensitively handled - it could be quite tricky to write but you've got the wolfiness across perfectly. I also think the budding romance between Ben and Tala is well written - it doesn't swamp the novel as some YA romances are prone to do, rather supports the very strong main plot. I also like that Tala doesn't angst endlessly over Ben - a personal pet hate of mine! Good luck with this, Kirstie.
Eva H
Children of the Raven

A very interesting and well written story. I love the quick pace and short sections, it makes the story move on quickly and easy to read. There are 2 levels to this story, it is an emotional tale about cruelty and mistreatment of wild animals, but also there is clearly a underlying mystery which unfolds with Tala's dreams and the anxiety shown by her nan and mum towards the wolves. I feel that this aspect could be shown a little more in your pitch, I think it would draw more people in. I really enjoyed what I read, high stars for now with a backing to follow when I have room on my shelf.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

The low level of threat and tension is there from the outset, which is cleverly done. However it is very hard to empathise with the character from the outset, because although there is lots of beautifully crafted description from the perspective of the female protagonist, there is barely a shred of how she feels about matters in the first chapter – all the emotion has to come from the reader.
This improves through as the book continues, perhaps a deliberate ploy to indicate the emotional growth of the character with the introduction of the small canine to her life.
But, sadly even with a gradually embracing opening few chapters, a certain something drifts away later in the book, perhaps with the introduction of ‘body-swapping’; there is something a bit too alien about the whole experience and a lot more time seems to have been put in to describe those sections rather than the mundane human sections – again perhaps a deliberate move.
Overall, though, pretty good!

Hi Kirstie, what a wonderful book! I found it on YARG and am gripped. i have just finished chapter 5 and wanted to leave you a comment - I'll try and make it short though, I want to get back to Chapter 6!
The imagery is fantastic, I could picture the scenes very easily, and i got into the book very quickly. I engaged immediately with Tala and wanted to know what was going on from page 1.
A couple of points I wanted to raise - the tense changes in the last section in Chapter 4 from past to present. I'm not sure if its deliberate, but it doesn't work for me. I was also confused about JJ, he is described as 'new', yet his gossip and rumour mongering is being listened toin the village, which doesn't really ring true to me. Is he a long-term resident of the village and just new at the wildlife centre? although given his love for animals/deer, why wouldn't he have been working there for some time if he lived in the village. As the wolves are new arrivals to the area, maybe he could be a long term & respected employee at the centre, that would explain why people are paying so much attention to his comments.
I also wasn't sure about the invisibility cloak, I think it's a great idea and her ability obviously stems from her affinity, I just think she's too accepting of it initially, especially when she doesn't really understand her affinity herself yet.
i hope these are helpful, and don't forget, just my opinions. Overall, I am thoroughly enjoying 'The Girl Who Ran With Wolves' it is pacy, interesting and gripping, with interesting characters - i especially like the family dynamics between Tala's mum and nan. I also like the way you have incorporated the dreams - long enough to evoke wonderful imagery & pique interest, yet short enough that they enhance and don't distract from the waking story. Also a good idea to put them in italics. I will bear this in mind for my own work!
Again - wonderful book, and I'm going straight back to it. Well done!

Karen Perkins
'An Ill Wind'
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/

YARG - chap 1

Oooh I like this... you immediately get into the wolf action with nothing but a dream... and end on a magical tooth note that makes me want to continue 'turning pages'

My suggestion as far as crits go, is to make sure you watch the capitalization of Nan... when to do it, and when not to. if I'm talking to Nan, it's a capital, "Good morning, Nan, can i have some tea?"
if i'm talking about my nan, it's not a capital, "My nan says the tooth is powerful."

which i think you understand... now here's where it gets tricky, would Nan call herself nan or Nan? that last line, "Pay no attention to your old nan," - I guess could be either, but I think i'd prefer it capitalized... no? just a thought

cheers for now,
Jaclyn

I really enjoyed this. Have always loved wolves, always loved wolf stories. Wolves of Willoughby Place a childhood favourite and of course The Midnight Folk ('the wolves are running'). I don't really have any great incisive crit for you, I'm afraid - first chapter maybe could be tightened a bit (the waking all damp-haired from a dream maybe a little cliched)? But really I just read and enjoyed My only worry would be that there seem to have been a lot of wolf-centred YA fiction around in the last few years - Wolf Brother series, Hunted etc. So I hope publishers don't feel it's a crowded market. But hey, they never seem to lose the taste for vampires, and I think wolves are equally evergreen. Huge good luck. :) Will try to find space on my shelf at some point... am backing up somewhat.

CHIRG.

I think you have a fluid and emotive authorial voice. This is just the type of novel I would have rejoiced to read as a young person.
You combine classic story elements, magic, danger, adventure, discovery all together in an interesting and well constructed package.
Your protagonist is interesting (I love the name Tala!) and I feel that the characters are ones that can be invested in by the reader.

This is something to be proud of.

This is a CHIRG review, as well as a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG!) review:

I thought this was excellent. I think you have a great, vivid writing style that flowed smoothly and effortlessly for me. I really liked the dream at the start of the book, which gives a flash of what you can expect from the story later on, and I liked the job you did fleshing out the Tala character. All of her reactions seemed very believable and correct for her personality. I thought the necklace and the sleepwalking angle made things quite interesting, as they added a little mystery and possibly some paranormal elements to the equation.

I only saw two small typos, one near the end of chapter 2 (“I want you (to be) happy”) and one near the start of chapter 3 (“the sun had only just begun to (rise and).”

But those are barely worth mentioning, and I couldn't see anything else here I would change. I thought this was great.
High stars, and I'll definitely keep this on my watchlist, as I'm quite interested to see where this goes.

Mike
http://authonomy.com/books/47619/arrival-of-the-ageless/
http://authonomy.com/books/47722/what-the-elf-/

"the long green parts then closes behind her and I speed up" the tense switches between the first two sentences and here. For the flow to match I'd suggest "The long green parts close behind her and I speed up"
There's nothing else grammar or wording wise amiss, very captivating story you've got here.
I love wolves, and I'm excited to see a book diving back into them though I've not seen a published book about them in quite awhile.
Excellent job with this,
God bless

Good concept. I'm jealous. I put a wolf in my story too but didn't think up something this interesting. End of chapter one left me wanting to turn the page. I think you've done well and I will keep going after I get rid of my wolf tooth. High stars

In the news report, You've written
...animals roaming the moor at dusk several nights ago...
It seems right, i just wonder if something was off.
how about
...animals roaming the moor several nights ago at dusk...
both work I just wondered if it sounded more like a news report this way.
I'm probably wrong, don't mind me

Hello, I came to do a read because you where so kind to do one for me. I've only just started but I like the first paragraph. I thought I might like it more if the story continued with present tense throuhout the entire story but that's only an opinion thing. I like what you've done. Good start. I find it easy to read but not childish. Could be for any age really. I'm going to read more. I'll probably make few smaller comments as I go along rather than one big one.

I like wolves, always have. This book is to my liking. Your writing is well paced and easy to follow. I already noticed myself all worried about the meeting and everything that is taking place. I read two chapters to sample it.

Thank you so much for sharing your book,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity, Shoshanna, The Battle: Encountering Supernatural and Captivity

Just stumbled across your book. It's brilliant - I really love it. Very well written. Tightly edited. Believable 'real' dialogue and well developed characters. And what a storyline. This totally has me hooked. I've only had time to read 3 chapters tonight, but I shall be back very, very soon to read the rest. I think this book has so much potential. Wishing you much success with TGWRWW.
Eva H
I knew I couldn't keep away - just been back to read another 3 chapters - my Sunday afternoon treat! The quality of your writing is high and consistent, and the story rollicks along. Very gripping. Only query - at the end of chapter four Tala hides the front door key in the bat box. But I didn't notice any reference to that afterwards (but I may have missed it). If not, and as she then went on to shapeshift anyway, would it be worth having her wonder why it didn't prevent her from getting out of the house? Just a thought. This so totally deserves to be on the editors desk. Good luck, Kirstie.

YARG review

Hello, I read the first six chapters of this captivating fantasy and loved it! It was well written, flowed well, and kept unfolding, like an onion being peeled, chapter by chapter. I particularly loved the way you worked in the dreams about the wolves t the very beginning of each chapter, and how easily Tala bonded with the cub, giving us a clue that her dreams were related to the real wolves in some way.

All your characters were well written. Nan is such a special person, with her herbs and knowing how to treat the cub, and even Tala's Mom shows a caring, yet cautious heart. I particularly didn't like JJ, which means you accomplished making him look like the villain.

The affinity that Tala had to shapeshift was slowly revealed and I liked that. It was one thing to see her in that role from a reader's stance, and it's another to see her own reaction to finding out about it. That was good the way you did that.

Will keep on WL to read the rest later. Gave it a six six stars, and with a little bit of editing, should easily make it to the Ed's desk!

Suggestions:
Only one thought that kept bothering me - what role does Tala play in the life of the wolves? We know there is a mother wolf and two cubs. Is Tala one of the cubs? If so, how do you explain her presence with the mother wolf when the other two cubs are captured? Just a thought.

Best,
Patty
The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Kirstie,
Getting back into your book was refreshing, and I could see how things were flowing better. Tala, your shapeshifting protagonist certainly got the surprise of her life finding out that while she turned wolf, her newly discovered brother JJ could become a deer. The intertwining plot had the feel of a murder mystery on the moor with surprise revelations coming to light. Your prose is straightforward, your dialogue clearcut. Thank you so much for the fascinating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Kirstie,
I liked that. I couldn't see where the first chapter was going to go to, but the implied piece of something other more at the end was very good. It introduces an air of something mystical happening. Is Widdenmoor a real place? Is it set in Britain? I'm wondering where the wolves came from if that's the case. It might be possible to build on that question in this first chapter if you wanted to. Also I was wondering what happened to Sally? I was sort of expecting her to be introduced in the plot the way she was spoken of. Does she play a part later maybe? Maybe I should just read some more and find out!

Regards Scott Butcher

YARG review

Wow, this is great! We start off in the middle of the action with a very vivid dream, come to learn a little more about our MC and her life, and the mysteries with the wolf connections are mounting up, keeping the reader interested. I'd much like to know what connection she's having with them, and what part of all this her grandma has...

Your writing flows smoothly and reads professionally with a lot of details that pull the reader into the story. Characterisation is well done, as is the dialogue - especially between Tara and her granny - and the suspense is building. I don't agree with the other commenters that it's too past-faced; for me, this is just the right pace, not fast at all, really.

I have a few pointers that I hope will be helpful. Take you you need and ignore the rest.

Chapter 1
- I like the opening sentence, pulling us in with action.
- Should she know that the wolf is a female? It would make more sense to just call it ‘it’ for now.
- Is ‘a blood memory’ supposed to be ‘bloody memory’?
- Ooh, great end to the dream. I also really liked the small details of smells and sounds.
- After ‘like a twelve-year old’, I think you missed ‘rather’ before ‘than’.
- ‘what’s right with him?’ made me laugh.
- Wait, how did Buster come into the house before they bought the dog flap? Did they have some sort of cat flap before buying the dog flap? Why would they have that if the mom doesn’t like animals?
- You’ve missed a comma before ‘brushing floppy blond hair’.
- I’m, again, wondering if Ben should really know that the wolf is a female.
- Cut Ben’s second ‘Tala!’ Feels awkward.
- Missed comma before ‘grabbing my phone’
- The paragraph right beneath it would benefit from switching around, so that Mum looks up before she speaks. The same when she frowns.
- Missed comma before ‘glancing at his watch’
- Missed comma between ‘though’ and ‘and this summer’
- Missed comma before ‘hoping he didn’t think me too weird’
- Missed comma before ‘perching’
- ‘Powerful!’ should have a question mark instead of exclamation mark.
- Great end to the chapter!

I only have time for one chapter right now, but I’ll definitely be back for more. I’ll put this on my WL for now. Great writing!

Sabina Frost
A Ghost Tale