The Alienating Ambassador

Still enjoying reading this book
Ch33 yet thought. though?
Ch34 what's a 'blisres ' ? And 'bliseres' ?
Ch35 had been able to bottle it... needs 'un'...
Sounds a wonderful place.
Best wishes
Cas

Hi Lorraine,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. I’m playing catch up on reads. My comments below are just humble opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth. You know your story best, after all.
Prologue
I think “in a different plane” should be “on a different plane” as one generally does not go into a plane.
In that second sentence, I’d cut down on the “that’s” used. Maybe rewrite like this: “They made it clear our worlds were similar in physicality, but not much else.” I also rewrote it so the “very” was omitted, as it’s a weak word. Just something to chew on.
If “quishing” has been explained, maybe explain it to the reader. Otherwise, it’s irrelevant.
They tried to explain or they did explain? You said both, which is confusing.
“appalled by life here” is confusing. Do you mean appalled by what life is like, or appalled by the living beings there?
“More preparation wouldn’t have mattered.” Why not? How can the MC say this? The qualifying sentence just after does not address this assessment.
The two questions the MC presents herself with needs to be brought up sooner. This seems to be the essential question of the prologue and it’s glossed over.
Why was it a no-brainer?
All the elements are here in this prologue, but it’s very difficult to follow the MC’s line of thinking. First, he/she complains about how shocking it was to move to Ayanna. Then, he/she goes into how significant the decision was, as it determined what kind of life he/she wanted to live…yet we still don’t know why he/she is faced with this decision. Then, we finally get an idea of the significance of what this decision is really about, and then, despite all this back and forth, we find out it wasn’t a difficult decision at all. I’m struggling to decipher your point. Where, then, is the conflict in this prologue? Essentially, you’ve only told the reader that the MC moved to a new planet; it was shocking, but not a tough decision at all. I suppose we also know that the Ayannans need his/her help in some way, though that’s not clear either.
Like I said, the elements are here, but I fear this prologue is all tell and no show. It reads more like notes, to a story rather than a story. Give us a scene to show this, while at the same time revealing who this character really is.
Chapter 1
Ah, here’s what I was looking for in the prologue. This is what will entice the reader. I would suggest amping up the imagery and interspersing it better with the dialogue, but the story and writing is all here. Great stuff.
That said, I think you could and perhaps ought to do away with the prologue. Might just be me, but it seems forced, like you’re trying to cram back information in when it could easily be sprinkled in to the first chapter or two.
Just one man’s opinion. Chapter one is very good. Your greatest strength is your dialogue, which I’m usually most picky about. Great intrigue with solid hooks. I’d just revisit that prologue and question whether you really need it. I’m not one who thinks they’re always bad, but if misused or unnecessary, they can hurt more than they can help.
Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Chapter One seems like she has a very ahppy homelife see no reason to go to an alien planet. Although from pitch and Prologue I know she does. I'll have to find out what the problem is, but right now the story seems to have nothing to do with the arc of the story. I'll come back for more.

Your writing is good. The flow is easy. I didn't see any errors. Good job.

Chapter One seems like she has a very ahppy homelife see no reason to go to an alien planet. Although from pitch and Prologue I know she does. I'll have to find out what the problem is, but right now the story seems to have nothing to do with the arc of the story. I'll come back for more.

Your writing is good. The flow is easy. I didn't see any errors. Good job.

Ch25 lovely writing... Though I've not read T A.A. for a while I was drawn in.
It must your... 'be'
Why it was OK parents... 'for'
'In the running' is repeated
live I envisioned...' life'
Ch27 pretending I was not to notice me... Del 'I was' ?
Ch28 loved the description of the school.
attempts and self-expression... Change 'and' to 'at'
Ch 30 that I would be.. wouldn't
Ch 31 for some reason I can't get to load...
I still want to read on...
Cas
The Wind Maker

Would've emailed this to you, but for some reason Hotmail isn't working at the moment. What is going on with the Internet today???

Looking forward to your edits on my next chapter.

James
"Tamria"

CHAPTER 9

“whether to be amused or horrified” – I’d insert “or not” (“whether or not to be amused”) to make this sentence flow better.

“When I had woken” –> “When I woke from my Trya-induced nap, I had been thrilled that my vision was fully restored.” Now you don’t have two “had”s in the same sentence.

“coveiring” – typo. “covering”

“Before I dress though” – “But before I could dress, a chime rang indicating that Trya was here.”

“on a healing fields” – should be “on healing fields”

“another of the abilities” – I’d just have “another ability”. –> “Trya launched into a lecture on healing fields, another ability the Ayanna hoped I’d develop.”

“However they could also use it” – “However” feels jarring with this sentence, unless you insert a comma after. –> “However, they could also use it to control body pigments”. I try to avoid using “however”, though, where “but” is possible.

“thus the ability to control pigmentation” – don’t think you need most of these words. Just “thus pigmentation.” See if this runs better –> “But they could also use it to control body pigments, thus colouration.”

“They usually become up as healers” – “up” is a typo. –> “They usually become healers or beauticians”

“that had appeared when Trya had entered the room.” – keep an eye out for unnecessary “had”s. –> “like the one that had appeared when Trya entered the room.”

“gesturing at the armchair” – “to” instead of “at” ?

Love “which felt like they were wearing little fur socks.” Nice humorous touch.

Could you find another name or words than “Ayannans” to refer to this alien race? It’s just that “Ayanna” and “Ayannans” appear often, and you want to keep repeating the same word. You could even use “the aliens”, since that’s how this girl sees them.

“and waved it over their teeth” – another “had” in this sentence. Also, instead of “about the size of a pencil” (which is wordy) how about: –> “Ayannas had pulled a pencil-sized tube from the wall and waved it over their teeth.”

Her inner thoughts here – “Maybe it’s voice activated” – should really be in italics, not in speech marks.

“fur teeth socks disappeared” – I really liked this bit of humour earlier, but I don’t think you need to repeat it. Just: –> “So I waved the tube around my touch and the fur disappeared.” It’s not many pages since the “fur teeth socks” were mentioned so the reader knows what you’re referring to.

“Then I said ‘Open’ loudly to the door” – don’t need “loudly”, imo. Especially since the level of her voice is made clear by Trya a few sentences later.

“you’d like answerdt” – typo. “answered”

Trya’s dialogue about the food dispenser is split into two paragraphs, but the first is ended by a speech mark, which it shouldn’t be. Whenever you have continuous dialogue over two+ paragraphs, it’s left out to make clear that the same person is still talking.

“voice activated” – needs hyphen. “voice-activated”

“Trya said, pointing at” – we know it’s Trya speaking, so “she added, pointing” instead.

“burrito” – since it’s a word in a foreign language, albeit a foodstuff, maybe this should be italicised.

“Trya advised me.” – probably don’t need “me”. –> “Trya advised.”

“Still nothing. T.” – that’s another typo, the one-letter sentence. Quite a few typos I notice in this chapter.

The bit about the “specificness” of the food dispenser makes me think of a similar scenario in The Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Have you read it, was that an inspiration?

Peanut butter and banana – ugh!

“I successfully ordered… from the dispenser” – don’t need “from the dispenser”, we know what she’s ordering it from and you’re repeating words.

“returned my plates to the dispenser” – you’re repeating this word a lot. Different word for dispenser?

“The three steps to and from the shelf left me exhausted.” – This is pithier: –> “The movement left me exhausted.”

“I’ll be the only Ayannan you can talk with.” – seems odd to me that Trya refers to herself in this way. Are there any people on this planet that are not Ayannan? Why doesn’t she say “I’ll be the only person you can talk with.”

You have two commas next to each other in Trya’s next bit of dialogue.

“your new identity has to be as someone who has lived an isolated existence.” – don’t need “as”. –> “your new identity has to be someone who has lived…”

“home schooled” – hyphen needed. –> “home-schooled”

“so that your existence exists.” – does this make sense? I’m not sure. Maybe –> “but we can manipulate Earth systems so that you appear to exist.”

“accepted to any university” –> “at any university” ?

“no win situation” –> “no-win situation”

“I had to leave everything behind I knew to avoid” –> “I had to leave everything I knew behind to avoid”

Is there a reason Trya speaks a long portion of a sentence in italics? “However, you can access…”

“though she did show me how to access information on the holo projector before she left” – this is shorter and snappier. –> “though she did show me how to work the holo projector before she left.”

“Before she left, I remembered…” – repetition. The previous sentence ended “before she left.” I’d changed to: “Suddenly I remembered”

“Up until this point” –> “Up till this point”, or “Until now”

YARG Review:
Chapter three:
You do a good job of portraying Rachel’s panic and confusion when she wakes up unable to see and unsure what is going on.
Her “dream” of the “elves” is very intriguing.
Chapter four:
You show very clearly how tough things are for Rachel after she loses her family, and how much she misses them. I think the most heartbreaking moment is when she considers what it means to have “lost everyone at once” and how there was no one left but her to remember the things they had scared as a family.
Just my opinion, but there does tend to be a slight overabundance of telling instead of showing in this chapter—for example her friendship with Jen and her graduation from school and college acceptance are pretty much told in summary. Just something to think about.
Chapter five:
This confused me quite a bit. When I got to the paragraph that starts “When I woke up from the coma” I thought she was talking about the present moment, not talking about the past, so I assumed the last chapter had been a dream of hers while she was in the coma right after the car crash. It wasn’t until the paragraph “At the time” that I started to figure it out. This might just be me, but it might help to do something like: “I hadn’t heard the voice since the car crash had taken place over a year ago. Back then my neurologist had dismissed it……But now it was back and I was petrified.” Again, this might just be me not figuring it out sooner like I should have.
Oh, so the past chapter was all a dream, though not for the reason I thought. But still, Rachel doesn’t know that, and the reader doesn’t know that until Trya explains.
And wow, does Rachel ever have an interesting choice ahead of her.
You’ve made me very curious to find out what happens next; great job.

Hi
This story is very well written and full of wonderful descriptions.
Ch 1 lovely teenaged feel to this.
Ch 3 what a fun family; intelligent and full of interesting traits.
The traffic lights and hospital scenes; what can I say? I needed a tissue.

Ch 8 loved the word 'quishing'
Not much action or food though.
You need to drip feed information... Not enough 'doing'
Ch 9 seems to be a bit missing...
Ch 8 was slow and ch 9 starts with a new power, but no precursor . Oh it comes in the 5th paragraph
'Teeth wearing fur socks' made me grin.
Ch 10 this works better but the info on the jobs needs to be cut down a bit; I didn't need to know the hours... This feels like an info dump. Do we need it here? Would work better Rachel leant about professions later by meeting people.
Ch 11 this starts well. I liked the suds over flowing.
what's this obsession with work? There was enough information on this topic in ch 10 for me to get the picture.
I read sci-fi to visit new worlds: I already know about work...
Yet you don't write about what being an ambassador entails, or where she'll be ...
There's a typo 'I closed my and' insert 'eyes'
'Three years' I thought it was eighteen months... Could have missed something?
Ch 12 magical science officer... Sounds fun...
Ch 13 'children on Ayanna by age' I think you need 'play' in this.
Being feed by smell. Very alien...
Ch 14 'like to a television' del 'to'.
Ch 15 this is fun- at last meeting more aliens. Nice cliff hanger ending.
Ch 16 another good chapter and ending.
Ch 17 'momentarily' this feels wrong ... Try 'in a moment'
I could see the stadium...
Ch 18 could you have introduced journeyers in ch 10 ? So you don't have to do a paragraph on it here?
'Not in a one' del the 'a'.
Ch 19 good
Ch 20 ' iteresting' is missing the 'n'
You repeat the question 'you're the boy wonder'
The last paragraph pull at my heart strings.
Ch 21
'bring her by' del 'by' . 'requested to invitations' del 'to'
Ch 22 'many of the beautiful area' areas
Ch 23 - 24 very good but where's the rest?

Hope these notes help
Cas
The Wind Maker

Another chapter review, Melissa. I'm missing your edits on "Tamria". Come on, you're really helping me clean up my manuscript. Although I have to say, the punctuation and editing was all over the place in this one! Think i've got most of the errors, at least the obvious ones. If you want me to email you another chapter of mine, please let me know. I'm really making a go at improving my manuscript. Every person's help is appreciated.

James
'Tamria"

http://www.authonomy.com/books/42617/tamria-book-one

***

CHAPTER 8

“holo projecter” – typo. “projector” with an “o”, not an “e”.

“Three steps away to left” –> “Three steps to my left” ?

“as if I had just finished running miles.” –> how about “as if I had just finished a marathon” ?

“my knees gave out.” – I think you mean “my knees gave”. I’ve never heard of knees giving *out* before.

“including an perfectly-broken in pair of jeans”
1, “an” should be “a”, since the next word starts with a consonant not a vowel (and it doesn’t have a vowel sound)
2, “perfectly-broken in” – hyphen’s in the wrong place: “perfectly broken-in pair of jeans”

“these weren’t the items I’d have picked to impress aliens.” – how about “chose” instead of “picked” ? –> “these weren’t the items I would have chose to impress aliens”.

“I didn’t know what to do about, it so I…” – comma’s in the wrong place. Probably don’t need a comma here, actually. –> “I didn’t know what to do about it so I just waited to see what would happen.”

“5’10” – there’s your numerical again! Even heights aren’t (as far as I know) presented in this format in fiction. –> “five foot ten”.

“like many Ayanna I’d seen in my dream” – is “Ayanna” the plural of their species’ name? I thought it was “Ayannans”.

“as though it had been dusted with shimmer powder” – “as if” instead of “as though” ?

“Her hair was a silvery-blond” – should be “Her hair was a silver-blond”. If you take away the “a”, ”Her hair was silvery-blond” is okay.

“jade green fabric” – “jade green” is a composite colour so needs a hyphen. “jade-green”

“She was wearing a dress” – why are you using this tense? There’s nothing wrong with having “She wore a dress that looked like…” instead.

“she was beautiful in an exotic way” – maybe “exotic sort of way” ?

Isn’t it a bit clichéd now, having an exotic, beautiful alien with an unusual skin-tone? I mean c’mon, Captain Kirk was banging green chicks twenty years before I was born!
I wouldn’t mention that Trya could make a living on Earth “as a supermodel”. For me, it takes away some of the interest of her character.

“remembered my knees giving out after three steps.” – a car’s engine can “give out”. A human’s legs or knees can “give”. Lose the word “out” here.

“‘What do you want to know?’ Trya asked.” – you had “she asked” two lines before. Don’t even need a dialogue tag here – just have the dialogue.

“There are a couple of abilities emerge during Ayannan adolescence” – need to check your grammar here. Need a word before “emerge”. –> “There a couple of abilities that emerge during Ayannan adolescence”

“nothing’s a done deal” – I find it slightly disconcerting, the way Trya skips between Star Trek-esque science-speak and everyday expressions, like this. But maybe this is the point of her character – she’s trying to emulate how ordinary humans talk but not doing a good job of it!

I like the phrase “brushing off the prospect of failure.”

The speech mark you have after “lifesense”, at the end of that paragraph – get rid of it, because the next paragraph continues with the same person talking.

“Trya said” after “Ayannan cultural” – lose it. We know she’s still talking. This section of dialogue should be unbroken.

“I finally just asked.” – lose either “finally” or “asked”. Don’t need both of them.

“Trya countered” – is this a counter? Sounds like an explanation to me. So “explained”.

“I asked” (next line) – there’s a lot of use of “asked” in this chapter. Repeating the word “said” is fine – any other dialogue verb and it stands out.

“fibbing” – such a mundane word in such an otherwise intelligent-sounding stretch of dialogue! I would have “dissembling” instead. –> “For example, if someone lied, I wouldn’t know they were dissembling.”

“Trya said, ‘However” – comma there needs to be a full-stop.

“’For example, if it weren’t for lifesense” – you had the word “lifesense” just a few words ago. Don’t think you need to repeat it. –> “‘For example, without it, the lifebond between Ayannan couples…”

“25 cases… last 100 years” – more numericals.

“I asked, gaping in disbelief.” – I’d lose “asked”. –> “I gaped in disbelief.”

I notice you have rather a lot of double-spaces interspersed throughout your document. Best way to deal with this is to go on Find and Replace on Word. Enter two spaces in the “Find” box, one in the “Replace”, and click Replace All.

“picking her words carefully” – you mean “choosing her words carefully” ?

Need a space between “Trya said” and “’If you walk…”

“Trya said, the embarrassment clear in her voice.”
1, I think “plain” instead of “clear” would work better.
2, It’s the same person taking, so “she went on” instead.
> “’And there is one other factor,’ she went on, the embarrassment plain in her voice.”

Recommendation – do NOT allow Trya to use “umm” in dialogue. It really takes away the mystique of her character, makes her seem TOO human. Generally, it’s advisable not to use “umm”s and “uh”s and so on in dialogue. I think I only have a couple instances in my entire book.

“it’s not reversible” – “it’s irreversible” ?

Full-stop needed after “Tray conceded”. Oh, and “Tray” should be “Trya”. Who is “Tray” ?!?

“It’s a very sad.” – rogue word here: “a”. Delete it.

You have a rogue space after “planetary hobby”, before the speech mark.

Again, another “I asked”. You have 19 instances of “asked” in this chapter!!!

“Ayannas experience” – misspelling here? “Ayannans”, with three “n”s.

Full-stop after “That’s just weird” – should be comma.

“I lost control of my laughter. My body heaved with laughter.” – repeating a word here. Don’t.

“15 minutes” – I don’t need to say it.

“wiped the last of the tears away my eyes.” – word missing here. –> “away from my eyes”. But think you could lose “away”. –> “wiped the last of the tears from my eyes”.

“…’wait for another time,’ Trya asked.”
1, the word ASKED again!
2, Trya isn’t “asking” here – she’s making a suggestion. So “Trya suggested”. Or even just “Trya said”.

“I think you’ll be surprised at how easy it is.” – lose “at”. –> “’I think you’ll be surprised how easy it is.’”

“Damn her” is a thought bubble so it should be in italics, not speech marks.

I like “surrendering to a nap.”

Thanks for your latest chapter edit on Tamria. I'll email you the next chapter shortly.

James
"Tamria"

***

CHAPTER 7

“When I woke up again” – maybe lose “up” ? –> “When I woke again”

“I opened my eyes and could see shapes in the gloom.” – “saw” instead of “could see” ? –> “I opened my eyes and saw shapes in the gloom.”

“18 months” – why the numerical? –> “eighteen months”

“Ayanna food” – do you mean “Ayannan food” ?

“It was the perfect temperature.” – what was the perfect temperature? The bowl or the spoon that were mentioned at the end of the last sentence, or the oatmeal itself? “She handed me a bowl and spoon. The food was the perfect temperature.”

“It was the perfect consistency between gummy and soupy.” – you used the word “perfect” to describe the temperature of the oatmeal two sentences before. –> “The consistency was between gummy and soupy and I relished each mouthful.” Also, I don’t think “bite” is the word you want. You don’t “bite” porridge, you chew and swallow it!

“‘Then I suspect you have questions’” – “expect” instead of “suspect” ?

“‘Fire away,’ she said.” – to avoid having two “said”s in close succession, how about just: –> “‘Fire away, then.’” No dialogue tag afterwards.

You have a few cases of double spacing in this chapter (i.e. two spaces instead of one. An easy way to resolve this problem is to use Find and Replace in Word. Enter two spaces in Find, one in Replace, and click Replace All.)

“20 years” – numerical again! “twenty years”

“We people who were intelligent” – is there a word missing here? –> “We wanted people who were intelligent”

“politically stable”, “emotionally stable” – similar phrases here. Also: they wanted somebody who was *emotionally* stable from a *politically* stable country, so they chose a TEENAGE GIRL from THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Ok, without sounding misogynistic, teen girls are the most emotionally unstable people on the planet and the U.S., while not exactly Saudi Arabia, has a lot of political instability. Depends on how you define “stable”, I suppose, but if this is present day, I don’t imagine the US fits the profile, with all its economic problems, rampant gun-crime, political disunity, extremist groups etc. Yes, America is a cosmopolitan and more “tolerant” society now than probably any other in history – except where Arabs and the French are concerned! Sorry, I ramble.  But if I was looking for the perfect Earth ambassador, I’d choose a eunuch from Switzerland. Switzerland = politically stable country and eunuchs don’t have to deal with raging hormones or sexual desires.

“who wouldn’t be missed if they leave.” – “left” not “leave”, to keep with the tense of this sentence.

You have an unwanted paragraph indent here.

“candidate pool .” – space between the word and the comma.

“We’ve started contacting candidates like you four years ago.” –> “We started contacting” not “We’ve”.

“About 3,693” – numerical!!! “three thousand six hundred and ninety three.” Also, this is an exact number, so why “about” ? “About three thousand six hundred” is ok.

“then amended her statement.” – lose “her amendment”, you don’t need it. “‘None,’ Trya said, then amended: ‘None yet. We still have about three hundred candidates…”

“300” – again, numerical!

“300 candidates to approach.” – why keep using the verb “approach” ? Vary it, try “consider”. “‘We still have three hundred candidates to consider.’”

After “denied it” you have another unwanted paragraph indent.

“No. You were…” – should this be an exclamation mark after “No.” ? You say she sounds horrified.

“We weren’t allowed to interfere in anyone’s life.” – so this is Ayanna’s equivalent of the Prime Directive? Only it forbids interfering in people’s personal lives, not in civilizations or societies.

“eliminate someone because of drug use, abuse or illness.” – the word “eliminate” leads me to think that they actually *kill* these people because they’re disqualified. There’s no other way to read it. But I know that’s not what you actually mean. It makes the Ayannas look rather nasty. I think “disqualify” is the verb you want to use here. –> “‘We were sad whenever we had to disqualify someone…’”

“even we have our limitations.” – I’d lose “our”. And maybe “limits” instead of “limitations” ? It would fit better with the alien’s normally-conversational tone. –> “even we have limits.”

“They didn’t cause the accident.” – this should be past tense. –> “They hadn’t caused the accident” or “They weren’t responsible for the accident.”

“her mouth drawing into a moue of distaste.” – no idea what a “moue” is. Strangely, Word isn’t highlighting it as a misspelling, but Thesaurus isn’t bringing up any synonyms or word definitions either. –> how about “her lips drawing into a line of distaste.”

“Some of them were convinced” – lose “of them”. And maybe “told themselves” to avoid repeating the word “convinced”. –> “Some told themselves that we were imaginary”

“‘Oh,’ I said, suppressing a shiver.” – feel you could lose “I said”. “‘Oh.’ I suppressed a shiver.”

“’That’s it?’ I asked skeptically.” – because you have so many of these dialogue tags, I’d put something different here. –> “’That’s it?’ I was skeptical.”

“I wondered aloud.” – “inquired” instead? Seems more suitable.

“You will need a two weeks” – typo here: “a”. Maybe you meant to put “a few weeks”.

Have you ever read Arthur C. Clarke’s 3001 (part of the Space Odyssey series)? If not, I must recommend you do. This puts me very much in mind of that. Similar premise, slight difference. An astronaut from the year 2000 who was killed in vacuum is revived by humans a thousand years later. Of course, they have recordings of Earth entertainment, and even TV shows from our time like Star Trek are venerated, in the same light as Shakespeare. Check it out!

“Before she left, showed me.” – missing a word here. “she”

“brought tears to my eyes.” – ooooh… cliché. Something different. “Seeing the familiar normal titles, I felt tears prick my eyes.”

“I was going to be leaving behind.” – except she’s already left it behind, and it looks like she won’t be going back. –> “The letters floating in the air in front of me highlighted just how different the world I’d stumbled into was from the one I’d just left behind.”

“but it was mine.” – the sentence you have after this… I just don’t think it works. Sorry. I know you’ve cut quite a few of mine, though, so no hard feelings, eh? –> “but it was mine. And it was gone forever.” Or something better than that.

“Thought of returning to Earth” – think you need a “The” instead of “Thought”. –> “The thought of returning to Earth…”

“loving me for who I was without reservation.” – this is kind of a tautology. “loving me without reservation” or “loving me for who I was” – have one or the other.

“by letting the Ayannans erase my memories” –> “I couldn’t betray that by allowing the Ayannans to erase my memories”. Better?

“18 months” – numerical again!!!! Why?

Last sentence of this chapter – quite long without any punctuation. Find a way to break it up and make it more readable.

ALIENATING EMBASSADOR
This is a clever idea for a story. The recruiters made me think of Marine recruiters whose description of Afghanistan as “a beautiful windswept country” is also far from reality. Although well written, I think the second and third chapters are a little slow with all the talk about school and what clothes to wear and how to open junior high lockers. The story picks up dramatically with the car accident (altho statistically it’s the person who’s thrown out of the car who dies, not the other way around). You have a great character in Rachel; she’s likable in the way she interacts with her family; she’s sympathetic because of the accident. She makes the story of another planet plausible and overall a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Another chapter critique - looking forward to your next review of "Tamria"!

James
"Tamria"

***

CHAPTER 6

“The morning after my acceptance letter from Princeton arrived” – this is fine as it is, but how about –> “The morning after I received my acceptance letter from Princeton.”

“cloud nine” – I know it fits perfectly with the narrator's tone, but this *is* a cliché, and one of the worst ones. I think an agent or publisher might be accommodating, though, considering the style of the novel.

“I groggily rolled over” – can you “groggily” roll over? –> “Groggy, I rolled over to see what had happened.”

“Panic bloomed in my chest as I realized that I couldn’t see anything at all.” – lose “that”. –> “Panic bloomed in my chest as I realized I couldn’t see anything at all.”

“My heat felt like it skipped a beat.” – lose “felt like it.” –> “My heart skipped a beat.” That’s simpler and better. Although is a well-worn phrase.

“until I woke up five days later” – I’d lose “up”. –> “until I woke five days later”

Do you need to keep using “funny accent” ? For one thing, it’s not really a showing phrase. To an English-speaking person, a German accent might sound funny. “unusual accent” is slightly more revealing – it implies that it’s an accent she’s never heard before (and hints therefore that it must be alien.)

“by-product of my coma” –> “of the coma”

“I’d been an observer” – “I had been an observer”

“in the coma visions” – don’t need to repeat “coma”. Just “visions”.

You need a line break in the next interchange of dialogue.

“‘Are you feeling better now Rachel?’” – she is addressing Rachel so this dialogue needsa comma. “‘Are you feeling better now, Rachel?’”

“‘I’ve temporarily blocked light from the room we’re in.’” – don’t need “we’re in”. Just “from the room.”

I love the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy feel to the story at this point. “‘Also, you are not going crazy,’ the voice added.”

Colon following “need to know something”. Don’t think you need it. Just a full-stop.

“the voice asked.” (after “‘Can you do that?’”) – don’t need it. Lose it.

“It wasn’t what I was expecting to hear” –> “It wasn’t what I had expected to hear.”

“sometimes more real than the world I was living in.” –> how about “sometimes more real than the world I inhabited.” ?

“Trya said.” (in the middle of dialogue – “as it was happening”.) You don’t need this. I’d just have the unbroken passage of dialogue.

“‘In a split second’” – I can’t imagine a doctor, a nurse or an extraterrestrial saying “split second.” Just “In a second”.

“we calculated you’d die” – this conversational style of speech is hard to reconcile with the more sophisticated “You sustained major injuries…” –> “we calculated that you would die”

“past 18 months” – why numericals? –> “past eighteen months”

“we fed your mind ‘a virtual life’” – I feel the quotations should go around “virtual life”, and not include the “a”. –> “we fed your mind a ‘virtual life’”. Also, very Matrix. 

“My brain felt like scrambled eggs.” – in what way? Warm? Mushy? Tasty? Rich in protein, good with wholemeal toast? I just don’t think this simile works. –> “My brain felt scrambled” is probably better. Mind you, this is a story narrated from a teenager’s perspective, and I suppose it is the kind of phrase a young person would come up with.

Colon after “Try sounded pleased” – as before, should be a full-stop.

“potential ambassador candidate” – there might be a tautology of sorts here. I’d have either “potential ambassador” or “ambassador candidate”.

“‘However they don’t fit our profile.’” – needs a comma. –> “‘However, they don’t fit our profile.’”

“14 and 20 years of age” – again, why numericals?

“I asked, my voice shaky.” – I’d lose “I asked.” Just a break in the dialogue: “My voice was shaky.”

“cuckoo” – lol

“15 years” – numbers again

“We’ll modify… we’d erase…” – either “we’ll erase” to fit with “We’ll modify” or “we would erase”

“Trya said in a tone of voice” – don’t need “of voice.” Just “tone”.

“‘Andyou’re an elf?’” – need a space between words there.

“There was no way I was ready more information.” –> “for more information.” Missing a word there.

“The odds were vanishingly small” – most of the time your narrator sounds like the character in the story, i.e. a teenager. But this stands out. Would your character say “vanishingly small”? –> “The odds were pretty small” is more believable.

“I had been too angry at God for the past few years to think about its nature.” – God is a person, so “His” nature. And since you’re referring to a single deity, “His” with a capital “H”.

“succumbed to sleep” – see the comment above. “succumbed” doesn’t fit with the rest of your story.

This is a crazy but fun story. It is so different that it catches the eye.
Things flow well as you develop your story plot and your character.
Nice job with creativity here. it need a little polish in editing.
The story really pulls the reader in because it has a unique idea, which is fun.
Good job!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Last sentence in the prologue has an extra "happen".

Your original beginning was good, but this beginning is even better.
The last line of your prologue is great. It’s suspenseful and made me want to read on to find out the answer.
The interaction between Rachel and her family is realistic and does a lot to show her relationship to them: they can annoy her a bit at times but she enjoys being around them. This is a very close-knit family.
Through most of this chapter Rachel refers to her mother as “her mother” or “Mom”, but then halfway through the chapter she refers to her as “Mommy.” It doesn’t seem to quite fit the rest of the tone.
In the first chapter: “Fortunately my closest friends” should probably be: “Fortunately, my closest friends”
This line is clever: “a baby beauty pageant refugee.” Throughout these opening chapters Rachel’s personality really shines through, giving the writing a strong voice.
The car crash at the end of the second chapter is vividly written and shocking when juxtaposed against their jovial wrangling over what game they should play and what they should have for dinner.
Really well done.

My continuing review... good stuff as always! Looking forward to your next chapter critique of "Tamria"!

James

***

CHAPTER 5

“My memories of the few weeks were hazy.” –> “My memory of the next few weeks was hazy.” Reads better.

“I remember… I can recall…” – I think the second should read “I recall”, to fit with the sound of the first sentence. –> “I remember getting dressed for the funeral at the hospital, but not the funeral itself. I recall being discharged from the hospital…”

“The house echoed with just Grandma and I living there.” – “Grandma and me”. “and I” is incorrect.

“when Grandma went to bed by 8.30 p.m.” –> “went to bed at 8.30 p.m.” But do we need the “p.m.”? It’s not likely to be a.m., is it? Just give the hour, then.

“chocolate and vanilla bundt cake” –> “chocolate-and-vanilla bundt cake”

“Losing my everyone at once” – surely you mean “Losing everyone at once” ?

This sentence reads a little weird: here’s how I’d reword it: “Having lost everyone at once, I was the only who remembered us as a family.”

“gob smacked” – should be one word, not two. –> “gobsmacked”

“gasping like a fish out of water” – it is a good choice of simile, but an acknowledged cliché. You can probably get away with it, though.

“Mom glared murderously at all of us” –> “Mum glared murderously at us all” ?

“Why had I lived while my family had died?” –> “While had I lived when my family had died?”

“hearing Stacey yammer on about boys” – do you need the “on” ? –> “hearing Stacey yammer about boys”

“Putting my family’s things into storage was wrenching.” – how about “Putting my family’s things into storage was a wrenching experience,” ?

“They were an elderly couple that lived below us.” – when referring to people, “who” not “that”. –> “They were an elderly couple who lived below us.”

“I had never ridden before but Jen taught me the basics quickly, and soon were spending our days at the stables together.” – you need a “we” between “soon” and “were”.

“coming back only when we were so drenched with sweat that we couldn’t stand being outside anymore.” –> how about “coming back only when we were so drenched that we could no longer stand being outside.”

“When Jen returned to California, her grandparents asked me care for Nicky.” – need a “to” after “asked.”

“By the one year anniversary” –> “one-year anniversary”

“I created anew normal for myself” – don’t you mean “new norm” ?

“the dreams of the world I first saw while in the coma.” –> “the dreams of the world I had first seen while in the coma.”

“I had another every few weeks.” –> “I had another one every few weeks.”

“Even though there were a lot of people living together” – since you used “lived together” in the previous sentence, maybe different words. –> “Even though there were a lot of people huddle close”.

“Perhaps the strangest thing I saw” –> “noticed” instead of “saw” ?

“was that the adults regularly disappeared into thin air and reappeared other places or not reappear at all.” – doesn’t make sense. –> “Perhaps the strangest thing I noticed was that the adults regularly disappeared into thin air, and reappeared in order places or never reappeared at all.”

“They were beautiful, strange and unsettling.” – what were? The people you described in the previous sentence or the dreams? Need to make this clear, to avoid ambiguity. “The dreams were beautiful, strange and unsettling.”

“The thing that bothered me the most” – lose “the”, it isn’t needed. –> “The thing that bothered me most…”

“the lingering feeling they left behind when I woke up” – “lingering feeling” and “left behind” are a kind of tautology. To “linger” is to “leave behind”! Maybe –> “The thing that bothered me most was the lingering feeling that remained when I woke up.”

“I simply couldn’t shake the feeling that the dream world was real.” – ooh, very Matrix!

“If they were a result of something wrong with my head, I’d rather live with it than have the doctor fix it and have them dreams stop.” – grammatically, a bit of a mash of a sentence! “they” is plural, “it” is singular. They both refer to the same thing – the dreams. I’d change the first “it” to “the problem”, to make it clear your protagonist sees this as a (potential) problem. My rewording: –> “If they were a result of something wrong with my head, I’d rather live with the problem than have the doctor fix it and lose the dreams forever.”

“approaching my senior high of high school.” – is “of high school” needed? We know she’s at high school. Just –> “approaching my senior year” is tighter.

“My fondness for the strange world of my dreams convinced me that I’d like to travel the world.” – you have three instances of “self-reference” (well, that’s what I’m going to call it) in this sentence: “my”, “my” and “me”. How I’d reword: –> “My fondness for the dream-world convinced me I’d like to travel the world.” That’s a few words less.

“To prepare, I took all of the world history and sociology classes I could” – “all”, not “all of”. –> “To prepare, I took all the classes…”

“set my sights on an Ivy League school?” – Don’t you mean university? How about just: –> “set my sights on the Ivy League”. Everyone will know what you mean by that.

“over and over for a half hour” –> “over and over for half an hour”.

“For the first time in over a year, I felt like I was on the way to having the life I dreamed…” – lose “like”, just “felt I was…” –> “For the first time in over a year, I felt I was on the way to having the life I dreamed…”

“I finally felt in control.” – fine as it is, but because it’s the last line of a chapter (and an important chapter at that), I would if you could increase the impact, just by reordering two of the words. –> “Finally, I felt in control.”

Thank you so much for your continuing review of "Tamria." Here's my attempt to repay the debt:

James
("Tamria")


CHAPTER 3

“They let Sara and I out” –> “They let Sara and met out”

“twenty five dresses” –> “twenty-five dresses”

“We were late already five minutes late to meet our parents.” – take out the first “late”. –> “We were already five minutes late”

“prevented Mom from verbally assaulting us, ‘Allison” – comma needs to be full-stop.

“Mom forgot our tardiness in the lobbying that ensued.” –> “Mom forgot our tardiness in the ensuing lobby.”

“We knew better though.” –> “We knew better, though.”

CHAPTER 4

“When I woke, my head and left leg throbbed dully and I couldn’t see.” – think you should break this sentence up. –> “When I woke, my head and left leg throbbed dully. I couldn’t see.”

“I heard voices murmuring, but didn’t understand them” –> “I heard murmuring voices, but didn’t understand them.”

“I realized I was in a hospital.” –> “I realized that I was in a hospital.”

“for a moment I thought I’d vomit.” –> “for a moment I thought I would vomit.”

“the accented voice continued” – it’s clear who’s talking here (i.e. not the main character), so this isn’t needed.

“I was pretty sure” –> “pretty certain”

“desperately trying to deny that something seriously weird and horrible was going on” –> “desperately trying to deny that something seriously weird and horrible was going on here”.

“Fatigue took hold” –> “Fatigue took hold of me”

“After a while I woke up, but not all the way.” –> “After a while I regained my senses, but not fully.”

“I remained in the hazy state between sleep and waking when you’re relaxed and your dreams are accessible” –> “I remained in the hazy state between sleep and waking, where you’re relaxed and your dreams are accessible”

“anymore” – two words. “any more”

“It was like someone had” –> “It was as if someone had”

“the delight ended.” –> “the delight vanished.”

“My lingering delight was replaced by deep sadness.” –> “My lingering delight turned to deep sadness.”

“Neither gained the advantage” –> “Neither one gained the advantage”

“soon the birds changed into new shapes.” –> “soon the birds assumed new forms” ?

“and always one was white and one was black.” –> “and each time one was white and one was black.”

“They were locked together in a figure eight on its side” –> “They were coiled and locked in a figure eight, the symbol for Infinity.”

“The remainder of the energy force” –> “Then the last of the energy force”

“the force that had been neutral surged between them” –> different word than “surged.” You used it a few sentences before.

“The newly created obstruction” –> “The newly-created obstruction”

“as the snake-balls continued changing.” –> “as the snake-balls continued to change.”

“One was more white than black, and the other was more black than white, but otherwise they were the same.” –> “One was more white than black, the other more black than white, but otherwise they were the same.”

“Instinctively, I realized that I had come” –> how about “With a sudden flash of insight, I realized that I had come”

“At first it tickled the back of my brain” –> “At first the realization tickled the back of my brain”

“the longing surged” – third use of the word “surged”. Different word. –> “the longing grew.”

“squeezed the worlds between my palms” –> how about “crushed the worlds between my palms”

“I had experienced at the beginning of the dream.” –> “I had experienced earlier.”

“they were the colors” –> “they were the wrong color”

“Their features and bone structure were more delicate than their Earth counterparts” –> “Their features and bone-structure were more delicate than those of their Earth counterparts”

“but my eyes continued absorbing the world below.” –> how about “but my eyes were engrossed in the world below.”

“giant translucent bubbles” – you used “translucent” in the last paragraph. Different word.

“her voice quivering and I whimpered involuntarily at the memory.” – break the sentence. “her voice quivering. I whimpered involuntarily at the memory.”

“into the water below.” – “below” feels unnecessary. “‘sending your car through the guardrail and into the water.’”

“connecting me to beeping machines” – you used “beeping” earlier. How about “winking machines” ? (In the sense of winking – flashing – flights.)

“Caitlin slowly and softly told me that my family had died” –> “Caitlin told me slowly and softly that my family had died”

“I wanted my heart to stop.” – how about “I wanted it to stop.” Saves you repeating the word “heart”, and draws emphasis to “wanted.” (“I *wanted* it to stop.”)

“But the machines kept beeping” – ok, you have three uses of “beeping” in this chapter. You need to use a different motion. Try “humming” instead.

“A detached part of myself” – “A detached part of me”

Insert a comma into this sentence, to break it up: “A detached part of me was amazed that I could make such raw, piteous sounds, before my ability to think was swallowed by grief.”

“sobbed in concert with us” – “with us” is redundant. “in concert” is what that means. “My grandmother sobbed in concert from her chair in the corner.”

“I had never wanted my mother so badly in my entire life.” – lose the last four words, it’ll make a better ending to this chapter. ”I had never wanted my mother so badly.”

The opening chapters feel realistic, in terms of how a teenage girl would speak and feel. The description of Ayanna is fantastic. You do a great job of describing Rachel's misery - I felt genuinely sad when her family dies. I really like this one.
Six stars.

Hi Melissa
Couple of typo's In your prologue you've left out a word. Sorry can't copy and paste for you. And in chapter 2 when the dad lays across the girls feet and speaks, word missing there too.

I love your dialogue and your style is effortless, I am looking forward to reading more of this. I have rated highly with stars and added you to my watchlist. Please checkout my book too. Thanks.
Sam Rivers - The Balance of Your Life

I’m back to re-read, in response to your message on the YARG forum.

If some of my comments are the same as last time, I must have really meant them!

I think the Prologue is new? It’s just what was needed - and delivers as the pitches promise. I think readers of fantasy want it straight away.

Ch 1

The opening dialogue is good. Funny, too. She sounds like a real teenage girl, and that continues when she is talking about her sister.

I like that the sisters sleep together in the guest bedroom. I think that detail is new, and it builds up a picture of their close relationship far better than simply saying “My sister and I get on okay.” or whatever.

Ch 2

“baby beauty pageant refugee” is good. Teenage girls are so dramatic about everything.

Ch 3
I remember now that when Rachel wakes up for the first time (in the “healing field”) I thought she’d been rescued by the aliens. Then I was surprised to find that she was having a pain-killer induced trip and that she was actually still on Earth. Later, when this is cleared up, I wonder what the purpose of the in-between bit is. Is it necessary for the story for her to spend that time in the virtual life?

Ch 5
“however I had a clear memory of…” The reader knows this from reading the previous chapter.

Now I’ve read this far, I see Rachel has been having a virtual life, ever since her accident. Since it was faked, wasn’t it cruel for the aliens to include the deaths of her family? I mean, I know they are really dead but they could have created them for her in her virtual existence. It makes me wonder if it’s just a trick. I guess I’ll have to read on to find out.

The name Rachel Hunter seems to me to be already ‘taken’, by the world famous model Rachel Hunter.

I think the changes you have made have certainly been for the better, and they’ve encouraged me to read further. I’ll look forward to finding out what Rachel’s new role will be with the Ayannans.

Lucy

Chapter 6:

"certainly better than "You have a brain tumor"" - I laughed a lot about this.

Oh. Never mind. I get why chapter 5 feels so "narrative" now. Whoops.
I'm getting a sense of dry wit from Rachel throughout this chapter, and I love it. Well done.

"Elves had saved me from certain death to join a one-sided inter-planetary exchange student program?" - pretty hilarious, but I think it should be "inter-planetary student exchange program." (just word order switch)

Really enjoyed this chapter, and I'm liking Rachel more and more.

Chapter 7:
Can't find anything I don't like about it. Smooth, well-presented, and convincing.

Chapter 8:
"There are a couple of abilities emerge during Ayannan adolescence that we think humans might be able to develop as well." - I think it needs to be "abilities THAT emerge."
"Humans have the same region in their brains but you don't appear to be using them." - I WISH I was using it. I'd never have to commute again. (by the way, should be it, not them, I think)
Hmm... I'd like to know about these unbonded cases.

Okay, that's all I have time for (unfortunately). It's really enjoyable, and you have a gift for dialogue. The pace is picking up (which is seriously impressive, as she's spent them all in bed), and your explanations have been fantastic. I'd like to live on Ayanna.

YARG part two:
Great changes to the earlier chapters. I've only skimmed through them, but they feel cleaner, a bit pacier, without losing the elements I (personally) found important.

Chapter 5:
You capture Rachel's sense if grief and isolation perfectly, without melodramatics or excessive adjectives. By focussing on the things she lost, I can better appreciate how she feels, without weepy wording. This is so well done, and very impressive.
The Thanksgiving story: the only thing I'm unclear about is what happened to the turkey - did the pan stay in the oven, or fall to the floor?
"Fortunately, the building super introduced us to the Barretts right away." - I can't decide how I feel about the word fortunately. In her state if mind, would she find it fortunate to have an eager new acquaintance?
The transition for Rachel, including her moves, her friendships, and her dedication to building a life for herself is well-considered, but overall, the chapter feels a little bit "filler." It might be nice to see some dialogue here (you're very good at dialogue!)

Hi Melissa,
Sorry this took so long, I had a really tough week last week and I couldn't find the time to take an good look at your book!
I read the first 6 chapters you have upoladed and I think the story is good, and has a lot of potential, but I think a lot of the ealry chapters, the shopping, the gossiping with Sara, the clothes and cosmetics could be done in memories or in the coma. I understand that the backstory is important - the love is the reason she's important, but there is a lot of stuff that makes her just seem like a typical teenager in those early chapters that as a memory would be poignant memories of the family bond.
I like how descriptive you are with the colors and the imagery of Ayanna.
There were a few small typos that I noticed in CH2: In the sentence that starts:Sara and I had started... I don't think you need had there, and at the end of that sentence 'was' is missing.
In the sentence that starts: Both of you have do... do should be done.
This is simply my opinion, please don't think I am being overly critical. Good luck with this, I think you have a good story here!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

YARG

Hi Melissa,

I’m really sorry this has taken so long. We’ve had friends staying and a few other things that have tied up my time, so I’ve had little time for Authonomy recently. But I hadn’t forgotten I owed you a read, so here it is. As usual, these are just my opinions. Feel free to use what works for you and toss the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘which planet live on’
should be ‘which planet to live on’

2) ‘When I arrived on here’
I’d remove ‘on’

Ch 2

1) ‘wake up’
hyphen

2) ‘and shouted “Good morning sweetheart!’
commas after ‘shouted’ and ‘morning’

3) ‘that Mommy was right’
If she’s just about to start at senior high-school, would she say ‘Mommy’? I’m not sure what age this is, but ‘senior’ sounds reasonably old.

4) ‘to go her office’
should be ‘to go to her office’

5) ‘That will give you plenty of time…’
To me this is a little odd. The mother seems to just make the assumption that her daughter would be going with her, yet I picked the daughter as about fifteen years old. With children of that age, most mothers are past expecting their children to go where they go and even if they think their daughter would like to accompany them, they usually ask – or end up in a ten-minute argument.
Maybe say, ‘…to go to her office. Would you like to come along? That will give you…’

6) ‘You can go when we’re done’
I’m not quite sure what Caitlin means here. She can go home? Is Allison indignant because it will take a while and she’ll have to wait around? I took her to mean she was indignant because she wasn’t being offered some clothes. So does Caitlin mean she can have a go trying on clothes? If so, maybe she should say, “You can try on clothes when we’re done’ or ‘You can have a go when we’re done’

7) ‘she introduced us’
But she’s only introduced Lily to Rachel, not the other way around.

8) ‘that sheltered homeless clothing’
I love this. Very clever.

9) ‘The clothes had been here long enough that…’
But earlier Caitlin says, ‘We’ve just finished a ‘real women, real fashion’ feature’. I’d be inclined to remove this part of the sentence. It makes perfect sense without it and removes the contradiction. Or maybe say, ‘After all, if I didn’t take them…’

10) ‘dress up’
hyphen

11) ‘nights when I eight’
should be ‘nights when I was eight’

12) ‘queen size’
hyphen

13) ‘New school’
hyphen, otherwise it sounds as though he’s asking if they have new jitters about school.

14) ‘Dad said undeterred’
comma after ‘said’

15) ‘you have do beautifully’
remove ‘have’

16) ‘Good night girls’
comma after ‘night’

17) ‘college roommate Debbie’
comma after ‘roommate’

18) ‘The blue slip dress… will be perfect’
But a moment before she’s asking what ‘cocktail attire’ means, and her sister doesn’t tell her. She just says she needs a new dress. (Actually, that’s another anomaly. Hasn’t Rachel just got a huge number of new dresses that day? Several bagsful? Surely there’s something there that would work?)

19) ‘special occasion’
hyphen

20) ‘for a dress,” I replied.” ’
Remove the last quotation marks.

Ch 3

1) ‘things at the mall too’
comma after ‘mall’

2) ‘spot for her too’
comma after ‘her’

3) ‘wearing the dress too someday’
should be ‘wearing the dress, too, someday’

4) ‘twenty five’
hyphen

5) ‘would like it too’
comma after ‘it’

6) ‘We were late already five minutes’
remove ‘late’

7) ‘from verbally assaulting us’
Full-stop after ‘us’

8) ‘We knew better though’
comma after ‘better’

9) What is it with guys and monopoly? I can just see this happening. It’s so real – including their dad creaming them!

10) ‘big time’
hyphen

11) ‘volunteer with me to the animal shelter’
This could be a kiwi vs American thing, but this sounds wrong to me. I would say, ‘volunteer with me at the animal shelter’

12) ‘ “They don’t!” ’
Remove the close quotation marks, as Dad is still talking in the next paragraph.

13) ‘he continued grousing’
comma after ‘grousing’

14) ‘station wagon, screamed’
comma after ‘screamed’

15) ‘Oh my God’
comma after ‘Oh’

16) ‘We’re going to go through it…’
Just a thought, but I’m not sure if these sentences in italics are necessary. For me, there’s more impact without them, and the sentence before makes it obvious that they’re going to go off the bridge.

17) I never saw this coming! It’s very shocking and you handle it really well.

Ch 4

1) ‘like this woman’s accent’
This isn’t a big thing, but I thought it was a man talking to her until this point. Perhaps, where you say, ‘ “Rachel,” one of the voices said’, you could say something like, ‘ “Rachel,” a woman’s voice said’ instead.

2) ‘living energy and after’
comma after ‘and’

3) ‘purest happiest’
comma after ‘purest’

4) ‘happiest moment’
I love the moments that you depict. They’re lovely. I can almost feel them.

5) ‘great white elephant’
comma after ‘great’

6) ‘Then elephants morphed’
Should be ‘Then the elephants morphed’
Or ‘The elephants morphed’

7) ‘They were gorillas, and amoebas, and rats and butterflies’
There are a lot of ‘and’s here, especially when combined with the next sentence. Maybe you could say something like, ‘They were gorillas; amoebas; rats; butterflies’

8) ‘figure eight on its side’
this is a little disjointed. Maybe say ‘horizontal figure eight’
(I would say ‘figure of eight’ but I’m almost certain that’s kiwi vs American – just thought I’d mention it in case it isn’t)

9) ‘been neutral surged between them’
you’ve already used ‘surged between them’ two sentences before. Maybe say, ‘surged again’. You could also remove ‘that had been neutral’, as it is the only force mentioned and therefore the reader knows that this is the one you are referring to.

10) ‘pure shining happiness’
comma after ‘pure’

11) ‘I thought my heart was going to stop when I heard the news.’
You could remove ‘when I heard the news’

12) ‘as she wept too’
comma after ‘wept’

I can see why she might want to leave Earth. A tragedy like that would make anyone want to start their life over again. This is a great start to your story, and I love the little hint of the other world that comes through in Chapter 4 (Authonomy chapters) with the accents, mention of the healing field, and the dreams. Your characterisation is excellent and you handle first-person very well. And I love the way you handled the lead-up to the accident and the accident itself. That came as a real shock; right out of the blue. Well done.

I hope this has been of some help. Thanks for your comments on Alien Light. I’ve incorporated just about all of your suggestions.

Sue

Featured 'The Alienating Ambassador' on my webbie today, Melissa, in the Sci-Fi section. Blogged about it from there as well, so tweet that post if yer a Twitter member. (You can find a hot link to the site on my Authonomy profile page.)

Best of luck --
E.R.

I like where you are headed with the plot and your writing style is good. The prologue works because it gives the reader a big change to look forward to, without saying how she gets there. I think you should shift more of the focus in the opening of chapter one until the accident to building up the relationship between Rachael and her family, as opposed to her friends. Because her parents and sister are about to die, forming a connection with them before the reader would make their losses hurt worse. You do a good job showing her relationship with her mother, but you could do more with her father and sister. Just make sure you do it in a way keeps the plot moving forward.

The sequence where the alternative world is revealed is well done.

I'll back it. Nice work.

Brian Bandell
Mute

YARG review.
Hi Melissa. Just got through the first four chapters, and will definitely read on. I'm enjoying this.
To be honest, at first, I thought chapter 2 was a little slow/didn't have anything to d with the story, but having finished chapter 4, I have to say I find it totally necessary. No, the first chapter doesn't have much to do with Rachel's journey directly, but 1) it is well-written and entertaining enough to keep me reading (the dialogue between Rachel and her mother, particularly, is awesome. Her mother is very witty! In retrospect, my favorite line - my job is to ensure you have adequate material for future psychotherapy - is actually a bit foreshadowing too). And 2) I think the opening chapter really makes you feel Rachel's pain. Having met her wonderful family, you feel her loss after the accident - much more strongly than in the typical opening chapters of books where the protagonist loses someone with less background. Having said that, I'm not 100% sure yet that the clothing shopping scene is necessary. But I'll hold off until I'm done, and it's fun to read. Anyway, other thoughts:

-We were all excited for the fun girls' night out the last weekend in November. - get rid of fun. It's implied that it will be fun, because you're all excited for it. 
- I'd have time to raid the beauty cache when I finished choosing shoes and accessories with Lily - this is a silly question, but what's the beauty cache? Is that make-up? (not really a crit, I just have no idea)
- I laughed a lot about the parents parking at a different entrance to their kids at the mall. Do you have teenagers by any chance? ;-)
- I was in great demand as a sitter because unlike a lot of girls my age, I enjoyed playing with my charges -I'd probably get rid of "unlike a lot of girls my age." I think my problem with this is that when it's stated in first-person, it comes off almost snobby. Rather than you separating Rachel from her fellow high-schoolers, she's separating herself from them, and not in a very humble way. I think the following examples of how she plays with the kids is very sweet, and itself allows the reader to decide that she's unlike other girls. 
- you might want to mention if Rachel got a ride to the mall with Stacey, or if they met at a store at the mall (more likely). The way she's brought in to chapter 3 feels a bit like she apparated beside them.
-  "No problem," Stacey said - I laughed at this line.
- Since Daddy was allergic to cats and dogs - I'd probably stick to Dad rather than Daddy here.
- I thought the description of her dreams was intriguing. Obviously, there's a lot of symbolism going on here that I'm not going to fully get until I read more, but it was well done.
- the description of the twin earth itself was really beautifully written. It sounds lovely. Elves!
- I'm not sure what's going on yet, but I look forward to reading more!
E

{The Alienating Ambassador} – Melissa Gitter Schilowitz

From the pitch and the prologue, it really struck me that you had a great idea going – I also especially like the chick lit/sci-fi infusion, as it makes your work a little more unique! The prologue is perfect to set the scene – short, sharp, sweet, and grabs the attention just as it should do.

Some fabulous original descriptions - I loved ‘she made Fidel Castro look like a softie when she wanted something’ in chapter 1 in particular

I’d perhaps reconsider the opening chapters however, just to avoid the more cliché beginning of the protagonist waking up… and then descriptions of everyday actions. For me the real excitement begins at the end of chapter 2 with the crash – and then in chapter 3 when Rachel wakes. I’d be inclined to jump forwards into this action sooner, but then again, your choice of course! In any case, I’d vary how you open chapters to avoid any remote repetitive feel (chapter 5 beings with Rachel waking up… ‘When my alarm went off…’ and chapter 6 also has her waking again…) → by varying the chapter beginnings more, I think this could increase the pace, at least create more rhythm.

Sometimes, careful of overusing the passive voice, and ‘was’. In some places the amount of ‘was’ is quite dense – easy to fix though with simple rewording and you can use the ‘find’ tool in word to highlight this out to you.

Anyway best of luck with this and I hope I’ve been helpful! Thanks so much for your feedback on ‘Dawn of Destruction’ – already applied some edits! Your thoughts were greatly appreciated.
Cara

Thanks for reading and commenting on "Tamria," so sorry it's taken me two weeks to get around to it! Hope you'll continue to read and leave comments. Here's my return review:

Read first two chapters, I'm enjoying the story so far. I noticed a few typos and other minor grammatical issues, as well as occasional over-use of adverbs (a crime I myself am guilty of sometimes!), but on the whole this is good stuff. Slightly bemused that "Mom" hasn't been given a name yet and I don't know what your main character looks like, other than the fact that she's 5'4". You might want to consider giving some description to your protagonists. In a first-person novel, that's difficult to do with your main character, but you could have Rachel brushing her hair or something in front of a mirror and use that as an opportunity for "self-description." These are just some suggestions.

Lively and enjoyable read and some really funny word choices (like "smidgen" - that made me laugh!), I've rated this 5 stars. Hope you'll continue to read and enjoy "Tamria."

James

***

“past time” – should this be “past-time” or “pastime” ? It’s usually presented as one word or hyphenated.

CH1

Great opening sentence – immediately engages the reader.

Two uses of “really” in first paragraph – not something other readers would pick up on, but I’ve an eye for word repetition. Maybe lose one of them? Probably the first: “When I agreed to leave Earth for Ayanna, I didn’t know what I was choosing… They really did.”

“Arrival on Ayanna was a still a shock” – typo there: lose the first “a”

Three occurrences of the word “choosing” and two of the word “chose” in this short first chapter. You might consider changing one or two of these to different verbs, to avoid word repetition. For example: “I was deciding what kind of life I wanted.” “When I resolved to come to Ayanna.”

CH2

“I was jolted awake when my mother simultaneously flicked my beside lamp on, ripped my covers from my body and shouted, ‘Good morning sweetheart!’ in my ear at the top of her lungs.”
1, “simultaneously” seems unnecessary to me.
2,”beside” is a typo – you mean “bedside.”
3, “flicked my bedside lamp on ,ripped my covers from my body… in my ear” – that’s FOUR occurrences of “my” in one sentence! Consider replacing some of them with “the,” repeating that word is more acceptable.
4, “A was jolted awake when my mother flicked the bedside lamp on, ripped the covers from my body and shouted, ‘Good morning, sweetheart!’ in my ear at the top of her lungs.”
5, A very long opening sentence. Might consider breaking it down.

“10 more minutes, 12-year-old sister, age of 10” – “ten more minutes, twelve-year-old sister, age of ten”; don’t use numerical format when writing fiction

“mom agreed” – when It’s “my mom”, “mom” should be lower-case. When “mom” is being used as a name, it has to be “Mom.”

“befuddled our carnivorous dad” – lol, funny!

“600 students” – again, don’t use numbers when writing fiction. “six hundred students.”

“closest best friends” – is this a tautology? Either “closest friends” or “best friends”. I’d plump for the former.

“had each other’s backs” – since this is plural, “had each others’ backs”

“cheering myself a smidgen” – that’s a word I don’t see every day! Funny word-choice.

“‘Guess what?’ she ordered me.” – is “ordered me” really the right dialogue tag? How about “‘Guess what?’ she quizzed” or “‘Guess what?’ she riddled”

“dispelling my funk” – you have a real knack for quirky language. Have to hand that to you.

“sic here on me” – another typo. “stick her on me”

“before hugging me with a smile on her face that put my mother’s earlier grin to shame.” – “on her face” seems redundant. “before hugging me with a smile that put my mother’s earlier grin to shame.”

5’4” – Natalie Portman’s a model and a movie star and she’s that height! I believe Scarlett Johannson’s 5’6. While female models do tend to be around 5’10”, there’s no universal law saying a girl has to be tall to be model-material.

You’re using quite a lot of adverbs with dialogue – “replied nonchalantly”, “interjected indignantly,” “replied lamely”. “replied with a nonchalant air” and “interjected, indignant” are possible alternatives.

“Caitlin said by way of introduction” – since you had “Caitlin said to my mom” in the last sentence, you don’t need the “Caitlin” again. “‘This is Lily, one of our fashion interns,’ she said by way of introduction.”

“color coding” – does this need a hyphen, since it’s a compound verb? “color-coding”

Does “mom” have a name? You should at least drop her name in somewhere.

“At the end of the first week of school” – nothing wrong with this but would “At the end of the first school week” be better?

Welcome to Authonomy. I've read the first half. I think the story is interesting, but chapter 1 felt like backstory to get us through the next few chapters. You might want to consider dumping chapter 1 and compressing chapters 2 and 3, so that we get to the car wreck as quickly as possible. That's where the pace and drama really launch, and I think it would serve you well to get us there right away. I think the core concept is good though, and I have high hopes you can polish this up.
Oh, and here's a typo: in chapter one you wrote "was a still a shock". You just want to delete the first "a".
Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

YARG review:

Wow- I've read all the uploaded chapters, and I was completely drawn into the story. I really like the pitch, and the idea is a unique one. I like how you begin with the real world and gradually introduce the other world in a way that feels entirely natural. Your narrative voice is convincing and it's easy to identify with Rachel's feelings. Your writing is clear, free from errors, and the reader doesn't feel overloaded with information at any point. This is very readable, polished prose, and it's incredibly difficult to find anything to criticise.

I'm fascinated to read more about Ayanna, and will keep this watchlisted. I think you have the makings of a successful novel here, and I wish you the best of luck with this!
Emma

The Alienating Ambassador
YARG Review

You have a really good pitch, and I was very interested in reading your book after I'd read it. I have to admit, though, that the title was not one I'd pick off the shelves to read.

Prologue: I wonder if this is necessary. After reading through your entire upload, I felt the book would do just as well without this.

Chapter One: there is a lot introduced here, and I got a bit confused trying to keep all the characters straight in my head. Rachel, her friends, her sister and her friend, Caitlin and her assistant...it just seems like a lot to keep track of for one chapter. Maybe split this chapter in two and expand on each event to give the reader some time to acclimate to Rachel's world.

Chapter Two:
I wonder about the first sentence. What was so traumatizing about the first month of school?
I'm still having a hard time separating Rachel's friends in my mind. Since they play a fairly minor part (at least in the part I read) I wonder if it wouldn't be possible to cut the number of friends to two? I'd like to see more focus on her family, since her memories of them are so important to her later.

Chapter Three
This chapter is very good. I like your descriptions of her visions of elephants, snakes, and the strange world where everything is similar to Earth yet very different. This must be Ayanna.
I thought you did a great job of describing her grief when she heard what happened.

Chapter Four
I thought it was odd that you breezed through a year and a half of her life, in a sort of episodic and dreamlike fashion, but the explanation in the following chapter made me realize what was going on and that you'd written this perfectly for the purpose.

Chapter Five
Here I learned what was really going on with Rachel, and you introduce Trya and her new life, as well as the opportunity to become an ambassador to Ayanna. Given the circumstances, the time that's passed and the fact that she'd lose her memories of her family if she chose to go back to Earth, I think it would be an easy (but emotional) decision for her.

Chapter Six
I like the crystals, and how they show the balance between order and chaos.
It's interesting to learn that they've looked at almost 1300 candidates but none ended up becoming an ambassador. I wonder if Rachel should be a little angry about the whole thing at this point, though, because it almost seems a little like blackmail: either do what we ask or you'll lose your memories and your identity.

Chapter Seven
It was very interesting to learn about how the world of Ayanna was dominated by pheromones. It would be interesting to see how Rachel does in this world, and if she can adapt.

Overall, this book is very engaging, enough that I read the whole upload in one sitting. There are a few things you can do to tighten and focus the narrative (cut out some characters, concentrate more on her relationship with others, for example) but this is really enjoyable and I think it will do well with the target audience.

Oh, and about your main character's name. Rachel Hunter is a well-known supermodel, so you might want to consider changing her last name. Just a thought.

Best of luck!
Emily

I read your prologue and first two chapters.

General comments: An addictive read with an intriguing premise. Rachel is a fascinating, forthright, principled main character. You use deep point of view well to flesh her out. You have a great eye for important details and you've used it to create a strong sense of place. Not a lot of tension until the end of chapter two. Crisp pacing.

Specific comment on the prologue:
1) No nits.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'It knew was 10 a.m. because that's when ... ' I don't understand 'it knew was.' I think a word or two may be missing. Or, should 'knew' be 'now'?
2) "Hello Miss Oooh Laa Laa," Abby yelled ... Comma after 'hello.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
3) 'My 12-year old sister was a firm believer in animal rights ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There is another case in this chapter where you should spell out a number. Also, put a hyphen between 'year' and 'old.' When 'twelve year old' is used as an adjective it becomes a compound word and is hyphenated.
4) 'Wariness turned into cautious optimism' is telling. Consider showing this important emotional transformation. You've aleady shown Rachel's wariness. Now show the onset of her 'cautious optimism.' Once you've shown both emotions, consider deleting the 'telling' sentence because it will be redundant.
5) ' ... my play rehearsals and mom's work deadlines.' Capitalize 'mom's'. When a kinship term is used as a name it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized.
6) ' ... so it was going to be a girls night.' Girls (plural) should be girls' (plural possessive).

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'An hour and a half and 23 dresses later ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases in this chapter where you should spell out numbers.
2) 'When I babysat for the Kuffler's five year old twins, ... Hyphenate 'five year old.' When 'five year old' is used as an adjective it becomes a compound word and is hyphenated.
3) 'My mom forgot ouer tardiness in the lobbying that ensued.' 'Ouer' should be 'our.'
4) "Come on Sara," my dad wheedled on the drive home. Comma after 'on.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that paragraph?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Melissa.

Al

This is a YARG review

The Alienating Abassador

This is really, really long. I’ve only read three chapters but any more might try your patience with me.

I do love your title.

Short pitch - I really like the idea that nothing about her screamed “trail-blazing interplanetary diplomat.” That’s very good.

Long pitch - Lots and lots of long pitches start with the idea that a teenage girl either is normal until something weird happens or is normal except she has some weird ability.
I like the idea that she does what anyone in her position does, and leaves Earth. I’d just take out the “normal girl” stuff and stick with the surprises.

Ch 1

Rachel is right, any time before 10.30am is the morning. In fact, she still has an hour and a half left of it. I don’t know why she “regards” it as such, when it’s an objective fact.

“..agreed upon.” I’d use the simpler “agreed on.”

I would have thought the clothes don’t fit because your MC is young, rather than because the clothes are in model sizes (with the implication that she is too fat).

“the invite hadn’t included”. Invite is a verb, it isn’t short for invitation.

There has been no fantasy whatsoever, yet. I think this is because you want to emphasise the normality of her life first. I think this is book which would benefit from a fantasy-led short prologue which hints at the kind of world she ends up in later.

Ch2

Do fifteen year old years use “vetoing”?

You explain your MC’s strategy for coping with the mall twice. I like the way she explains it to Sara so the first time isn’t really necessary.

You have two uses of the word “volunteer” very close together but with slightly different meanings. I was expecting the part about Stacey, therefore, to be connected to the animal shelter.

I don’t know what “ACK” means. For all I know, it might stand for something.

I’m very pleased something happens at the end of this chapter, even if it doesn’t appear to be overtly fantasy-related.

Ch3

What does “murmuring clearly” sound like? It seems like a contradiction.

I like the paragraph starting “It was like someone had captured…” The imagery is really nice.

In this chapter, there are two layers of fantasy. Rachel wakes in a fantasy world and then has a fantasy-dream-vision about a fantasy world. I’m not keen on dream sequences generally and I don’t understand what this one is for, since she is in a fantasy world now anyway. And then it turns out not to be a fantasy world, after all. Probably just the painkillers. So I’m still not sure anything fantasy-related has actually happened. But - I do like the way it’s described.

I really love the detail about the poorly hamster.

I’ve read Benedict’s review below, and I agree, in part, about the audience. Additionally, I don’t think it would appeal to all girl readers, either. Your MC is an odd mix of not interested in boys but she still likes fashion and make-up. Your first two chapters are entirely about that. I think younger girls would love it though - on account of it letting them into a world that they are not quite ready for. But are they the same young girls who are prepared for aliens and the death of a whole family?

I’ve read this back and it doesn’t seem to be very encouraging, which wasn’t my intention at all. There’s lots beyond the title to enjoy here, and in the main, Rachel’s voice is good and I appreciate that her teenage concerns would not be the same as mine.

Lucy

Yarg Review

Hi Melissa,

I really love your title and your pitch, though by the end of the second chapter we still haven't got to the main part of the plot. Your writing is economic and very effective and you have very few minor errors.

You establish your characters very well and the twist at the end of chapter two was entirely unexpected.

In terms of general advice I have two major comments to make. From your pitch this could be a book for anyone but the way you have established the first two chapters means that you are aiming this book squarely at girls. You have a character who is ostensibly independent and headstrong and supposedly not interested in silly things like boys which would make her an interesting protagonist for any kind of fiction, yet her obsession with clothes and make up would - we can only assume - would turn boys off the book from the start. If you were looking to write exclusively for one gender this wouldn't be a problem but your pitch doesn't suggest that this was your intention.

The other thing is that, for me at least, the plot doesn't start fast enough. Your book starts with two chapters of middle-class comfortable normalness. That's fine in a drama or romance but you've listed your genre as science fiction. Anyone publishing your book will be looking for something to grip them from the start. You could have a much shorter scene of the family's everyday life and then dive straight into the accident.

That's just my idea of course. Feel free to disagree :-)

Here are my close comments,

door closing. I KNEW it was 10 a.m. because that's when Sara

had the strongest moral code of anyone
- rather formal

focus on TWO things I didn't care about: popularity and boys.

Marcia was our queen bee,
-this paragraph felt unnecessary to me. Better to show all this information when we meet the characters. This is too much telling.

I wrote about using our status AS hot young Hollywood

"Guess what?" she asked.
-isn't guess an imperative rather than a question?

I regarded any time before 10:30 a.m. as morning.
- so does everyone, no?

We were ushered into Caitlin's office a few minutes before her lunch with my mom. Caitlin hugged me and asked her assistant to send someone named Lily to join us.
-you use good dialogue, so why describe what happened rather than showing us?

"This is Lily, one of our SUMMER, fashion interns,"
-adj order

closet. I felt fat and frumpy compared to the women that worked THERE.
-also, do you really want to promote the idea of young girls thinking themselves fat? There are so many problems with eating disorders and healthy diet in this age group and by including a, presumably quite thin, character with such a view you're kind of perpetrating this idea.

Lily put together outfits and all I HAD to do was try them on.


there was no way we were going leave AT the time we had planned.

Sara's soccer practice, my play REHEARSALS

know you're coming, but my mom WANTS the response cards

No surprise there. Mine was ready to mail, so I GOT IT FROM MY ROOM AND handed it to Jodi.
-snappier

"At the rate she's going, SHE'LL be lucky if Ron still wants to marry her,"
- ??

out. I WAS really happy to have something concrete to look forward to.

Jodi was worried about making the soccer team with so MANY players vying for SO FEW spots,

I was mature enough to admit that I needed them
- missing the I

Jodi's mother's wedding WAS three weeks AWAY and I STILL didn't have

My mom's preference for all things pink and frilly WAS a sore spot

Since Daddy was allergic to cats and dogs, and smiled at the thought of Thai for dinner.
-revise sentence - makes no sense

The impact forced our car into the middle of THE intersection.

You write very well and have a great idea - and title! - They're the most difficult things to get right so you're doing well!

Best of luck,

Benedict

Hello, Melissa, sorry it's taken longer than I said to return the read. I really like this. The first chapter starts and continues with an easy pace and is quite comical in some parts. You have a good way of describing without going over the top and your dialogue is believable. I particularly liked the part about the games that she played with the children that she babysat for; it made me smile.

The hook at the end of the chapter was a good way to end and makes the reader want to continue to see what's become of them all after the crash.

As we are all here to help one another, I'll point out a few typos that I noticed; take them as you will:

...I wanted them to drop me and pick me up later... Maybe 'drop me off' would sound better.

...had high hopes that this guy's was boyfriend material. Should be 'this guy' not 'guy's'.

...prevented her from verbal assaulting me... This should be 'verbally' not 'verbal'.

All in all, you've done a good job with this, Melissa, and I wish you all the best with it. Highly starred, well done.

YARG review

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for your patience in waiting for your review.

You are a wonderful writer and have developed the beginning of a story y that I sense is something special. I think you have hit on some great subjects that young adults will be able to identify with. Most kids will eventually experience the loss of a loved-one. I felt like you handled Rachel’s grief very authentically. Both my parents died when I was young and I could identify with what Rachel was going through. Healing takes time…

I was also impressed with Rachel’s dream. You have an amazing imagination. In the paragraph beginning, “It was like someone had captured my earliest, purest, happiest moment…” You have some great expressions of joy in there.

Also there was a lot of depth and underlying meaning in the animal sparing and when the twin earths are formed. I got the same sense that Rachel had, that perfection would only be reached when they would be joined again. Creative descriptions of the new world.

Rachel also made some unique observations of her life. This was my favorite:

…”there was no way I was going to where something that made me look like an overgrown toddler.“ Too funny!

I wondered if Jodi’s wedding and Rachel’s friends, Beth and Stacey would ever show up again. But I guess when tragedy strikes, what once was important, suddenly becomes insignificant - and you do say that as much.

I caught one little blooper in chapter two I believe. Rachel wonders about the healing field in her thoughts, but no one had said anything about it before then.

I really like what you have begun and I wish you all the best as you continue to develop your story. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood


Here’s some other notes I took as I read. I hope you don’t mind me pointing out the easy fixes.

“Ensorcelled” is this a real word?

“She was pretty shy and had high hopes that this guy(’s) was boyfriend material.”

“The(y) butted heads over and over again”

“The(n) remaining energy force…”

Chapter three

“…and thinking that I was lucky I had a lot of black clothes, but not (for) the funeral itself.”

“That changed through (though) when the super…”

YARG
Hi Melissa, here for my half of our swap. This is a very interesting concept. Rachel's grief is very real and touching. I like how she develops a relationship with the horse that helps her deal with her grief. Did not see it coming that those two years after the accident were not quite what they seemed.

Just a few things that bothered me while reading. There are a few characters who you introduce without giving their relationship with Rachel, especially in chapter one. Jodi is mentioned because it is her mom's wedding that Rachel needs a dress for, but we don't get a clear sense of who she is to Rachel. Stacey is at the mall with Rachel, but again there is no sense of how deep their friendship is. Beth is mentioned too, just a name on a page. I understand these characters are just passing through and will not play much of a role (if any) later. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get from these characters. Why are they there? What is their purpose? Could they be combined into one character to simplify things so that the reader is not introduced to so many people who don't matter much to the story as a whole and instead concentrate on the characters who do matter (Rachel's family)?

When Sara is introduced in chapter one, it is abrupt and I found myself wondering why she wasn't part of the trip to the mall. Where was she? How much younger is she than Rachel? What kind of relationship do they have?

How old is Rachel? Based on your pitch, I thought she was thirteen, but obviously she is older than that at the beginning of the story since she is graduating high school by two years post accident. I'd like to have a clearer picture of how old she is right from the beginning.

A few things during her recovery phase that threw me off. The friends mentioned were different from those in chapter one. There were names that I didn't recognize. Also there was a line about continuing her riding while her leg recovered, and something about Nestor acting strange or getting upset. It wasn't clear to me what this meant. I suppose I felt that when she initially started riding her leg must have been back to normal. Maybe I missed some reference to her leg injury and riding.

Overall, I felt that there was a lot of telling going on, rather than showing. While Rachel's grief is very real, I still found it hard to connect because I hadn't been shown the depth of her relationships with her parents or her sister or even her friends. If her family is dead by the end of chapter one, then use chapter one to really show the depth of love between the family members. Is it possible for Sara to accompany Rachel on her scouting trip, where you can show their relationship through how they interact with each other? Show us what they mean to each other, beyond cornering Dad into playing Rummikub for family game night and getting Thai food. The more the reader sees the deep familial bonds, the easier it will be to feel Rachel's loss.

I hope that I haven't been too harsh. This is just my opinion, and I hope you can find something helpful. Thanks for swapping.
Kate

YARG
Hi Melissa,
This is wonderfully funny and touching. Rachel's voice is so authentic, I was quite surprised when I saw you weren't a Young Adult yourself! Now, that's really great writing. Rachel is incredibly likeable from the outset. She plays with kids, she’s funny and she’s loyal to her friends.

Chp1: I love Rachel and Stacey mapping out the route in the mall so that they can persuade Rachel’s Mum to buy the right dress. I loved the line about the pizza guy and the girl at the cell phone stand. Love the line, “I can’t believe he has something going with cell phone stand girl, perfume sprayer and the coffee barista” I laughed out loud.
Some very well observed family dynamics in “Mom brokered a deal where Sara agreed to Rummikub if we’d vote for her choice of take-out cuisine.” Sounds just like the sort of deal I'd broker with my sons.
The description of the accident was very believable and I didn’t see it coming at all which made it very powerful.

Chp2 is incredibly inventive, but the great pace you had in Chp1 went. Perhaps there’s too much description and not enough to move the story along? A little bit more editing maybe?

Chp3. Very touching, especially the bit about the cake recipe, it is these details which make the bereavement feel authentic and well observed. You avoid sentimentality though. Rachel’s thoughts about leaving her family house are incredibly moving partly because they are complex, we feel her being torn between wanting to move on and not wanting to forget. Very well done.

6 stars from me for now.
Sharda.

'The Alienating Ambassador' is a GREAT title, Melissa. Excellent pitch you've penned, too. That, plus a wholly competent writing style, makes the novel a potential winner for the YA market, IMHO. I'm reading on and would love to see the cover for this so I can promote the work on my website soon.

Backed. Very best of luck with it--
E.R.

Hi Melissa, I have W/L your book would you like a swap? Karen Bates, Faking it in France.

Thanks so much for the feedback. It's exactly what I'm looking for. I'll let you know when I've got a rewrite!

Melissa

QUOTE] YARG review.
I read the prologue and the first three chapters.
Your writing style is very clear and easy to follow. Rachel’s voice is authentic and it is easy to have sympathy for her. You definitely make me want to find out what is going to happen to her.
On the downside, the prologue and the first chapter (while very well written) feel like nothing but set up—explaining to the reader what is going to happen and explaining how ordinary Rachel is. To catch and keep a YA reader’s attention I think you need to start where the action does. I think, and this is just my opinion, that you could jump in at chapter two with Rachel’s trip to the mall and the subsequent accident. I loved the details you gave in the first chapter about Rachel and her family and friends, but reading about it in a chunk of text with no dialogue or character action was a little-slow paced. Maybe you could find a way to weave that info into the story through dialogue and Rachel’s interaction with other people. Just a thought—and feel free to ignore.
Once the story got moving, though, I was hooked.
A few minor points:
“and I hating waiting” should that be “and I hated waiting”?
“I looked great in it and I my mom would actually like it too.” Seems like a word is missing in this sentence. Maybe: “I thought my mom would actually like it too.”?
Rachel wonders what a “healing field” is before the woman mentions it. Was that intentional?
Also, in the last paragraph of the chapter where Rachel wakes up in the hospital, you switch into present tense and it's a little jarring.
Anyway, great story, very original. I definitely need to find out what happens to Rachel!

YARG review.
I read the prologue and the first three chapters.
Your writing style is very clear and easy to follow. Rachel’s voice is authentic and it is easy to have sympathy for her. You definitely make me want to find out what is going to happen to her.
On the downside, the prologue and the first chapter (while very well written) feel like nothing but set up—explaining to the reader what is going to happen and explaining how ordinary Rachel is. To catch and keep a YA reader’s attention I think you need to start where the action does. I think, and this is just my opinion, that you could jump in at chapter two with Rachel’s trip to the mall and the subsequent accident. I loved the details you gave in the first chapter about Rachel and her family and friends, but reading about it in a chunk of text with no dialogue or character action was a little-slow paced. Maybe you could find a way to weave that info into the story through dialogue and Rachel’s interaction with other people. Just a thought—and feel free to ignore.
Once the story got moving, though, I was hooked.
A few minor points:
“and I hating waiting” should that be “and I hated waiting”?
“I looked great in it and I my mom would actually like it too.” Seems like a word is missing in this sentence. Maybe: “I thought my mom would actually like it too.”?
Rachel wonders what a “healing field” is before the woman mentions it. Was that intentional?
Also, in the last paragraph of the chapter where Rachel wakes up in the hospital, you switch into present tense and it's a little jarring.
Anyway, great story, very original. I definitely need to find out what happens to Rachel!

The Alienating Ambassador is simple magnificent. The narrative is crisp and descriptive with plenty of punches to keep you hook. Indeed, I was hooked from the start to end of chapter three.

Highlights....

Chapter one: "I wasn't popular at school but I wasn't bullied either". Often people say they weren't popular but not to be bullied is more important

Chapter two: one and a half hour later and 23 dresses" Typical girl voice. I hate going shopping with my lady. She spend far too long trying on clothes

Chapter three: They turned into snakes and got so close they had tails in each other mouth". That's vivid. It appeared that way when a bunch of snakes to together

Overall, a brilliant book.

recommended

The Alienating Ambassador is simple magnificent. The narrative is crisp and descriptive with plenty of punches to keep you hook. Indeed, I was hooked from the start to end of chapter three.

Highlights....

Chapter one: "I wasn't popular at school but I wasn't bullied either". Often people say they weren't popular but not to be bullied is more important

Chapter two: one and a half hour later and 23 dresses" Typical girl voice. I hate going shopping with my lady. She spend far too long trying on clothes

Chapter three: They turned into snakes and got so close they had tails in each other mouth". That's vivid. It appeared that way when a bunch of snakes to together

Overall, a brilliant book.

recommended