My Life On Facebook: and other truths, half-truths and outright lies

How come nobody's reading this? It's not far off Groaner in terms of style and humour and, though brief, this extract makes me believe the author has a lot to offer.

This was hysterically funny. I read it all. One of my faves: “He made it so that we can only be happy with things we cannot get. Like good service at a French restaurant or smart co-workers…” As a forty-something myself, I could relate to a lot of this. Very entertaining read!

Madison

Heh, heh, heh!
I never figured out what to do with my FB page, mainly because I don't feel the need to spread my private life around, but I'm intrigued by the fenomenal success of this medium. I was therefore looking forward to educating myself by reading all 8 chapters, but there were only 6 of them. That saved me some time, no doubt, but I would not mind to continue this good fun read. Despte the unfulfilled contract (you owe me two more chapters), I'll find a room on my shelf for this book. That's because you made me laugh.

Iva Polansky / Fame and Infamy

Oh Splinks! You have a very distinctive and very funny writing style and it's FUN to read. Good luck wth this one.

Shabbat Shalom! Have you ever noticed that the SS in our weekly greeting are the initials of our dreaded enemy who killed so many our tribal members back in the war? Just thought I would put that out there since I read the first four chapters of this book of your speed-of-thought meanderings, which reminds me of my writing style. Hey, it worked for me. I was laughing my arse off through most of it, either through affinity or because I'm just a year older than you, Jewish and having just watched that NC-17 film last night 'Shame' wondering if my fantasies were projected onscreen, well, except the scene in which I linger a long look at my naked sister in the shower, which is a bit much even for me. Dr Freud on call anyone?

My niggle: in early chapter 2, there is a 'your' when it should be 'you're'; I noticed other grammatical errors but fug it, I was too busy laughing.

For me, this book subject matter works better for your writing style than the zombie novel. I think you have something between a Joan Didion you-are-there style mashed up with the 1980s Less Than Zero/Bright Lights, Big City ethos - what happened to Jamie Gertz's acting career? Since I have not read the rest of this excerpt, I do not know of what the story arch is but if you had the protagonist have some relationship epiphany in which his jaded cynicism is thrown back because he met/meets the woman of his dreams, it goes a long while in teasing out the story. Jus sayin'.

And to think of all the drama I am missing by not having a FB account. Gut Shabbos!

How do I add you as a friend on facebook? I havent got enough people on there who are completely happy and salmonesque. I hope you make lots of money from this book and your other ones because you are worth it (in the words of loreal). And the world is full of annoying people making more money than I do and I'd quite like it if someone talented and funny managed to beat them at it. Its not going to be me so it might as well be you. Good luck to you and thank you for writing funny books.

Ouch,how your opening paras put me right off - I didn't come here to be told how MY life is - less of that addressing your reader bossily in first person plural, or in the generalities of second person, and let's have more of the wry, self deprecating solo 'I' ; I for one would then find your apercus funnier.
Question - do middle aged people have sex because of Facebook? Surely it's in spite of it? FB is all about the virtual friendships you construct with people you never meet in the flesh, where you can also be an imagined personality?

Ch 2 .'.before you're done saying it'. During this chapter I began idly wondering who it was aimed at. Older people who don't know about it? Self-confessed FB loathers? Because surely to goodness, by now everyone who wants to be on it, is on it. And if it is aimed at this group, you need more irony. The way it is now, it is too informational and [for me] not self-deprecating enough. Think Tim Dowling's Saturday column in the Guardian - it's that kind of social comment territory we are in, I think.
Ch 3: 'a spider ran across the floor' unless you really meant to say 'rand' - some kind of wacky currency that would be.
No more comments, though as I got to the end I began to feel your pain. Not sure where you are going with this - I was waiting for a punch line or a rollercoaster story to carry me away, or even a break in the routine of your observations, something to make me sit up and go 'Wow', but it kind of tailed away. There are moments of keen observation here, but I wanted a few strong personalities and a bit of plot to embed them in. I read to the end, so that must mean something. Hope this is in some way helpful, if you are looking for ways to sharpen it up - or was it just an exercise?

You had me with, "Splinker thinks more people look forward to colonoscopies than actually read introductions." YOU have a wicked and wonderful sense of humor! Now this particular book is a bit rough - a good read - but needs a lot of polishing - you know that and don't need to be told. So let me know when it's all finished and I'll give it another read. I can certainly see how you've made the editor's desk before! Blessings, Pat p.s. - thanks for the guide (tee hee hee) through Facebook.

This work shares significant insights in regard to the human condition as it exists and has existed during and after the educational years of college learning--all based on a model of salmon farming. A model of instructive analysis based on introspective double-dipping reverse reasoning is captured to shape the minds of those lacking thoughts involving sex. One question: What is Facebook? I think a good lecture series could be developed from this work. Please remember it's words that count when it comes to Word Count. Please continue to share this font of knowledge. Carry on. I would back it if that helps, but they limited my shelf.

This is very funny, Splinker!
I love your profile page, that is too funny! If you are really from Wayne, NJ, my condolences, I hope you find a way to escape some day as that could be a big part of your problem! I like your political views though!

I am not a big fan of Facebook, I refuse to update my page to the cool timeline format like everyone else, and I delete the emails saying I have Notifications pending. So frankly, I am only interesting in my complete refusal to be interesting (if that makes one at all interesting.) I like how your instructions regarding how to be interesting are exasperated, and hold a good dose of angst.
Anyway I just dropped by to check it out! Thanks for the laugh!
Mindy

Hi Adam,
I think this is a hoot! Meaning, quite funny. Also, if you think the 40s are something, you should try the 50s. Don't rush or anything. Just when you get around to it. I like your style and your sense of humor. By the way, chapters 7 and 8 seem to start over with the introduction. Maybe that's on purpose, but maybe it's an editing, cut and paste error, and nobody's been telling you, like when your fly is open?
cheers,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Just read chapter one, time has run out for today, but I will be back and hope to leave a longer comment soon. This coudl be just my cup of tea - Earl Grey with lots of milk and a macaroon on the side. - Frances K but see my later comment for a less rushed judgement..

This is great stuff

Fast paced, funny and topical. I can't believe it is on this site and not Amazon or whatever book store. It has the makings for being a bible for forty something men in their midlife crisis who need to take stock.

Six starred and backed without a doubt.

Jess

What. a. great. short. pitch. The long pitch is pretty convincing, too! Hahahahaha ... Just keep writing, Splinker! Backed.

Hi Splinker, I just love this. I read it in Mayhem and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's so witty and cleverly observed. Hope you'll continue with it as I'd love to read more

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

My two cents in the intro (which is only a far as I've so far read) is that you should start first with the salmon killing each other while spawning. In fact you should write it in a way as if we're watching it on Animal Planet, or perhaps Marlin Perkins narrating from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdon, (which shows MY age). From there you should compare it to people in their mid-life-crisis forties with the typical symptoms, and then do the springboard into Facebook. I think it will look smoother and more professional. Your comedy adds a spice to the whole thing and that's good.
All the best
Kirk :-)

Hilarious opening.

This is like a diamond mine of quotable quotes - 'people intend to improve with distance' is my current favourite.

As a Canadian of partially Swedish descent, I wonder where I fit between the perpetually happy Canadian and the brooding Norwegian?

Vintage Splinker and I will finish reading whatever else you have posted!

I can relate to much of what you're saying.

Good idea, Adam. Love the attitude, love the humour: It's my world and you're welcome to it.

Following Groaner here, "symptoms [of] an underlying malaise". That first paragraph is an unholy mess.

Hey Splinks, just read a little of it. Just a few things that came to mind.
Did you mean "than actually read introductions."
Did you mean "they're ambushed by their forties"
Did you mean "(Excuss me, I didn't mean to interrupt you!)"
"...whether a nice wine is involved." - I wasn't fond of that being injected into the middle of another sentence. I think it's a funny line and would have rather seen it on it's own.

This is funny...a good idea...bet it gets on the desk.

Very good, Adam. I was once INTERESTING on Facebook for five seconds. Now I just look at other people's interesting statuses, such as 'phew glad to get home for a cuppa!' Why so much child puke on Facebook?

Me again, I forgot to tell you. I have a book Stopped Cold. It's a middle grade sports mystery with a bit of romance. Still hope for those folks to find happiness. I hope you'll stop by to read it, give it stars, watch list or back it.

This type writing is difficult to do, and you do an excellent job of it. You also have a firm grasp on what's happening in people's lives and express it very well. I'm giving your book six stars. There's a place, I think either in the introduction or the first chapter where it reads "their" and it should be "they're."
I've read through chapter two. I hope somewhere before the book ends it will reveal that happines lies inside us.

I didn't realise it was you, the author of I've been Deader. Lol! You're just too talented for me; I am jealous but wonder why you're not published...(in the conventional sense).

Skimmed through this briefly but boy oh boy what you write is TRUE it's uncanny. You're just basically describing my own life & I'm not even in my 40s yet (no hope for me then darn!). I thought it was just me that felt like this' now I know not, I feel a bit better. Thank you.

Backed to read more later.

Is this what I face in, um... twelve or so years time? Awesome. ;)

As ever, very good. Cx

ps. I think I might be in love with you now. *sigh*

"But Facebook is only the river, it is not the destination..."

Sublime. Your walking-dead kind of Zombie stuff was never really my thing, but this is. Though I guess it's just another form of walking-dead Zombie... marginally sexier. Photoshop is the Zombie's friend.

Where are the zombies? I backed this thinking there were zombies.

But it's ok. This made me laugh so hard, and I don't even do facebook. Even the pitch made me laugh. You are like the only sit down comedian I know.

Still, a few zombies wouldn't hurt. Maybe an almost apocalypse. You know like, oh is that a zom...no just a really tired guy walking in the street. Or a picture of a really tired guy walking down the street that someone put on facebook.

I found this after looking for something that would make me 'LOL' - I hate how thanks to Facebook this is now becoming an acceptable word to say... Not that it's even a word!-

Anyway, so as someone who has a mountain of issues with peoples obsession with Facebook, I came across it & just had to read.

I really believe that everyone lies on there Facebook (saying that I have found myself feeling slightly jealous at how fabulous people have potrayed their lives to be, while I'm stuck at home doing the washing) .
I really enjoyed this, with so many seriously themed books on here it's been really refreshing to read. I enjoyed how you so openly took the p**s out of yourself & just didn't take the theme too seriously.

There was a few spelling mistakes, but that didn't distract me from reading at all.

Good luck

R.Swain
'The Catchers'

Adam, I have been laughing non-stop for the last half-hour. I never knew FaceBook had so many possibilities - LOL. I hope there's going to be more of this.
Lilian x