Book Jacket

 

rank 5846
word count 114443
date submitted 01.05.2012
date updated 03.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Chri...
classification: universal
complete

Brone

Anthony Zackery

Eight teenagers are sucked into a the war against the original fallen angels, led by the Emperor Belial.

 

When a mysterious Scroll appears above Stonehenge, it beckons eight teenagers to England where they are suddenly transported to Altopia, an untamed land full of demons and angels. Equipped with awesome, new powers, the young people must battle their way against the forces of the Emperor Belial, the original fallen angel, as he and his army wage war against the Carnecians, a peaceful race of people marked for death by Belial. With only three days until the war is prophecied to end, the Altopian Warriors must unite against the fallen angels to save the Carnecians before the time runs out. But can the eight amateur warriors survive against millenial-old Celestials long enough to save the City of Brone? Or will their inexperience prove too much as they prepare for their final battle against the Emperor himself?

 
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tags

angel, battle, nephilim, powers, seraphim, superhero, superpowers, sword, teen, warrior, weapon

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Chapters

18

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17 - Embarkation

Sitting in the private chambers of the Carnecian Klyn, the Rheigns leaned against the soft bodies of their newfound Blesmahj. All were ecstatic and attempting to understand what these beings were and how they had come to them.

Summer Grandal, though, merely reveled in her new gift of sight as she absorbed the sensory input she received from her cheetah, Elato. That which Elato perceived, Summer observed in her minds eye. Everyone pleasantly tolerated her as she walked up to each one of them and touched their hair or clothes, asking questions about everything.

What color is your hair? she asked Joseph as she reached out to touch his curly mass, missing many times as she tried to compute distance from her partner’s lower elevation.

Brown, he said, smiling.

Beside Summer, Elato looked up at Joseph and focused his eyes on whatever Summer would mentally ask him to.

{Find Majecki, please,} she asked the Blesmahj kindly, who turned and swept the room with his yellow eyes.

{I can merely look at them,} he responded. {It will be up to you to determine which one is Majecki. I do not know these peoples names.}

{Oh,} she said, asking him to stop when she noticed the largest person in the room. {That has to be him.}

Summer, Majecki called gleefully as she approached he and Zeth. I would like you two to meet Zeth.

Nice to meet you, she said sweetly, reaching out to scratch his head but missing.

The white tiger merely bowed his head in respect, then looked up to his human partner.

{She is very pretty,} he said coyly. {For a human.}

Majecki laughed and looked down at his friend.

{For a human, huh?} he mocked. {Shes pretty for any species.}

Zeth purred and laid his head back down on his paws, looking around the room at the other residents.

Joseph, seated next to his lion, sat shaking his hand vigorously. For the past couple of hours, it had begun to tingle, and he was not sure if it was the product of the elevation or something else.

{So,} he said, looking to Clovis. {What do you know of us?} 

The great lion stretched out and got comfortable again.

{Not much, really,} he answered honestly. {We are but a half-a-day old. When I came into existence today, I had very little knowledge of anything. All that I knew was that you were Joseph, my partner, and that I could speak to you. I can speak to others as well, but I choose not to. You are my Rheign, and I will speak only to you.}

{Understood,} said Joseph. {Do you know the other Blesmahj?}

{I do not know them by name. I merely know that they are like me, and that we are a team.}

Klyn, Bramora called across the room to the Elder that stood behind a desk-type object. Why are you hiding over there?

Klyn smiled warily, and looked around the room with his one, large eye.

I know that these beasts mean me no harm, but they are intimidating nonetheless.

Youve never seen anything like them, have you? Joseph asked.

There are no such creatures in Altopia.

Not for another couple million years, Bramora said, nodding. He looked down at his panther, Silas.

{Do you know that in my time, your species, or one that bears a strong resemblance, is somewhat common?}

{I did not,} Silas answered. {I know only that I am Silas and you are Joseph Brian Stacs, my Rheign.}

Well, Klyn said meekly, slowly coming around the desk and closer to the group. Let me once again thank you for saving us. Had you not embraced your destiny, Brone would be under the control of Asmodeus and Belial. The attack was very covert. I suspect that they broke the dimensional barrier very close to the city and slid through unnoticed by Raphael, the present governor of Brone, and his Seraphim.

Where is Raphael? Majecki asked, then stood suddenly when a giant form filled the doorway.

Naphal! he barked, and the Blesmahj leapt up to defend their humans, who likewise stood and threw up their shields.

Fear not, the great angel said calmly. I am no Naphal. I am Raphael-Asaiph-Vega, governor of Brone.

The Archangel stepped into the room and had to crouch to avoid scraping his head on the low ceiling. He resembled Asmodeus in many aspects, being the same species, but was very much different as well.

Whereas Asmodeus hair was brown, Raphaels was closer to blonde, and was slightly longer. His blue eyes gazed at them intently, appearing to bear a deep sorrow. The war had taken much out of him over the years, and he carried himself like one who was exhausted at all times.

I have news for you, Rheigns, he said humbly. I have recently spoken with my brother, Giovanni, who confirms that there are more like you in the Forest of Ocanip.

How are they like us? Summer asked, her heart hammering.

Well, according to Giovanni, there are four of them. They bare weapons, but he assures me that they are bearers of peace. One is a female, and one male has dark-colored skin. He refers to them as the Kehtayahn, and that Jehovah has brought them from another time and place.

Maybe Apollo is with them! Summer said excitedly. He is the one who said he saw his name on the Scroll. He had to have been brought here just like us.

We have to see them, Majecki said, looking the great archangel in the eyes boldly. How can we find them?

There is a road that leads from the west side of the city, Klyn offered. Through the mountains, and to the Forest. It is the best known way to get from the Forest of Ocanip to Brone.

Then were leaving, Joseph said, looking down at Clovis. Ready?

{Always.}

The Rheigns and Blesmahj headed for the door, where the great archangel stepped aside to allow them passage. At the head of the group, Majecki stopped and nodded his head to the angelic governor.

I appreciate everything you have done for the City of Brone, he said formally. I only hope that together, we can somehow manage to succeed where you alone have not been able to. I pledge myself to your cause, as does Zeth.

Thank you, Raphael said humbly.

Majecki stepped out the door and Bramora stepped up to Raphael.

Even if these Kehtayahn are our allies, I am not sure how eight individuals can turn the tides of a war as immense as this.

Raphael smiled.

With Jehovah, all things are possible.

Thats what Ive heard, Bramora replied, then walked alongside his panther out of the room.

After him, the final four warriors, two human and two feline, left without word, making their way down out to the balcony outside of Klyns chamber.

Wait! Klyn called out suddenly, racing past Raphael to the departing eight. Who will protect Brone with you all leaving?

The strong wind blew around the Rheigns and Blesmahj, pushing clouds through the midst of them and threatening to knock them off of the seventy-third story of the Edifice of Elders.

Summer smiled as her hair blew madly around her face, and looked through Elatos sharp eyes at the Carnecian.

This city has a protector, she said solemnly, looking then over to Raphael. He and his forces will keep you safe.

There are two more days until the prophecy claims this war will end, one way or the other, Bramora said fiercely. Well be back by then, and with these other humans, well show you why we were brought here, and what we can do.

The eight turned to the ledge and looked over, down through the clouds and to the ground far below. Carnecians went about their lives on the streets below, milling about, looking like specks from such a high elevation.

But you couldnt handle shorter falls when you arrived, Klyn said fearfully, appearing worried. Wont such a fall kill you?

Joseph laughed.

Things have changed, my friend.

With that, all eight leapt out and away from the building, screams of delight escaping their lips as they fell over a mile to the ground below.

 

Chapters

18

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Tod Schneider wrote 370 days ago

I just read chapter one, and I'd say this is looking good! You move pretty quickly into the action, and that's critical.
If I were to tinker with it at all, I'd consider deleting the word "rather", which weakens rather than strengthens (i.e. rather chilly, rather exhausted). You might also consider dropping the first paragraph, unless there's something there we really need to know. My guess is, it's background info that can be slipped in farther on.
But overall I think you're in great shape. Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

Shelby Z. wrote 380 days ago

Original idea for this story as a Christian book.
As someone else mentioned it does need a little clipping, but it IS well written.
You have a good book and plot coming along here.
I like the title and the pitch is well developing for your story.
Keep up the good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

tennishorts wrote 382 days ago

Hey Anthony,
You could cut some stuff out in this first chapter and I think it would still stand quite well. Interesting premise... I will see if I can get back to read a few more chapters to get a better feel for your writing style :)
Becky

kshaw wrote 382 days ago

Anthony, (sorry this is going to be very long)
The first paragraph of the prologue is beautiful. Usually I would say to start at the second para because its where the action is, but your first para is short, poignant and sets the tone perfectly. So don't change that :)

The second sentence of the second paragraph needs to be reworked. It just reads jumbled because of all the letters and numbers so I would say: A dusty Toyota 4Runner sat on A303 road, the headlights on and the driver taking another sip of his black coffee. You don't have to say exactly that, but its tighter, cleaner and easier to read.

Other than that the prologue is wonderful. I love the tonality in your writing and the hook at the end is just perfect.

In chapter one, that first para needs to be reworked. I would say: A truck bounded into the driveway with a slight squeal. Although he was not speeding, he wasn't going very slow either-it was something to be expected from a sixteen-year old boy with less than six months driving experience.

Actually, all throughout ch 1 I would tighten up those sentences that are not dialogue. Strip them down to their essence and it will be much easier to read. Its not bad, just needs to go through an edit :)

I really like how you captured the teenage voice in here and the interaction of the family. It is very believable and funny. I also love the news story that's going on and it is exactly how people would react.

Ch 2 is a bit confusing, but I'm sure you are going to tie all that up :)

Ch 3 is really interesting. I love the bit about Aliens; that is super funny. I was worried that Apollo wasn't going to get more airtime than he got in Ch 2 and I love the dynamic between him and Summer.

Well that's all I have gotten through at the moment. I really do think its a great start and I'm glad I found your piece. I will be happy to put your book on my shelf so that it can get some recognition. Hope my comments help :)
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PHILOSOPHIA

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