Book Jacket

 

rank 5852
word count 114443
date submitted 01.05.2012
date updated 03.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Chri...
classification: universal
complete

Brone

Anthony Zackery

Eight teenagers are sucked into a the war against the original fallen angels, led by the Emperor Belial.

 

When a mysterious Scroll appears above Stonehenge, it beckons eight teenagers to England where they are suddenly transported to Altopia, an untamed land full of demons and angels. Equipped with awesome, new powers, the young people must battle their way against the forces of the Emperor Belial, the original fallen angel, as he and his army wage war against the Carnecians, a peaceful race of people marked for death by Belial. With only three days until the war is prophecied to end, the Altopian Warriors must unite against the fallen angels to save the Carnecians before the time runs out. But can the eight amateur warriors survive against millenial-old Celestials long enough to save the City of Brone? Or will their inexperience prove too much as they prepare for their final battle against the Emperor himself?

 
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tags

angel, battle, nephilim, powers, seraphim, superhero, superpowers, sword, teen, warrior, weapon

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Chapters

24

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23 - Bird's Eye View

Bramora awoke early for his shift. Having been raised on a ranch, rising before the sun was a custom that he grew up on. Even here, millions of years in the past and one of only eight of his species in existence, still he could not break that habit. An hour before sunrise he sent Clovis to rest and resumed the guard duty.

The night had gone by quickly, as how all of the Rheigns were overcome with exhaustion after their Blesmahj reentered their bodies. Apparently, the wounds and fatigue of their partners carried over to a sense of weariness in the Rheigns own bodies.

After the battle of the previous night, the humans had comforted their partners as best they could before becoming one with them again. The Rheigns spoke very little, and chose to walk the remainder of the way out. Slowly, they drug themselves away from the dead forms of their enemies and farther down the path, putting as much distance between themselves and the defeated Nephilim.

While the scene had been terribly violent to watch for both Joseph and Clovis to witness, the others could not help but listen to the sickly gurgle that had come from the dying Naphal. Then, shortly after, they had heard Orwit take his last ragged breath, then go silent aside his brother. Never would they have thought that the mere sound of something would haunt them the way it did, but after this, they knew it would.

Everyone could see that Joseph was grim, constantly wiping away tears and occasionally breaking down in a full-out sob. Summer held Joseph during these times, letting him cry into her shoulder. A couple of times, the other three would turn to Joseph to speak, but think otherwise and stay silent. They knew he was reliving the last bloody moments over and over again in his head, but none of them could think of the right words to comfort him.

The sun had already set by the time they exited the cavern, and it was agreed upon immediately that sleep was the best course of action right then. They divided the night into seven shifts, and the two groups took rounds standing guard over the other sleepers, while it was agreed that Summer and Elato would take their shift together.

Now, standing here and seeing the light begin to shine over the mountain, he felt a sense of peace that he had not sensed since before his arrival the day before. Small creatures scurried about, including the occasional dinosaur-looking beast, thought they were none that he recognized from any book. Or Jurassic Park.

Perhaps these are their ancestors, Bramora thought.

You know, a voice behind him said, startling Bramora, who turned to see Majecki standing to his feet. If I were any sort of scientist or paleontologist, I would just about wet myself with excitement. This whole scenario is just amazing.

Aye, Bramora agreed. You know, Ive been thinking about something. Have you ever read A Sound of Thunder? Its by Ray Bradbury.

No, Majecki responded. But I know the gist: man travels back in time, kills a butterfly, changes the future.

More or less, Bramora nodded. He changes the past in a small way, but over the course of millions of years, the effects of that one death alter history.

Beside them, Summer began to stir.

 So, what are you saying? Majecki inquired, eyeing the Irishman. Are you afraid that we are going to somehow change things by being here?

Bramora shrugged and looked out at the vast field that stretched out before them.

Its possible isnt it? I mean, I know it was just a book, but the concept behind it seems pretty sound. What if we do manage to kill the bug, that carries the pollen to the tree, that was supposed to grow and feed some animals, that now die without that trees fruit, or leaves?

Whoa now, Summer interjected, sitting up and stretching as she spoke. Really? You think that God brought us millions of years into the past and just hopes that we dont mess things up? I think that He thought it through a little bit more than youre giving Him credit for.

Bramora laughed out loud.

I guess youre right. It was just a thought, anyways.

Within a few minutes, everyone was awake and munching on some fruit that Bramora had found for them during the mornings twilight. Its orange, leathery skin provided some resistance, but the juice inside tasted remarkably sweet. The Blesmahj lay aside, watching them and licking their fur slowly, obviously bored.

Do you guys want some fruit? Majecki asked the cats. Or are you going to hunt or something?

{We require no sustenance,} Zeth replied. {As I explained, I gather my strength when I rest in you.}

Okay, he shrugged.

As the Rheigns ate, Joseph looked up at the others and grinned.

So, he started, peering around. Are we even going to talk about how incredibly awesome it is that we can fly?

Oh, yeah, Majecki laughed. Man, with all thats been going on, I just kind of accepted it, you know? I havent really thought about it.

I know what you mean, Summer agreed. Though it was amazing, it also felt, well, natural. Its like whenever God bestowed it on us, He also gave us a sense of comfort that came along with it. Like, so that we wouldnt get really high and freak out.

Probably, Bramora concurred. I know that when I got seventy stories up or whatever, I didnt even think about it, when normally, I would have been terrified.

Did you guys also notice how we know how to control it? Like, going up and down and left and right? Without it even being explained.

Yeah. Its almost the same way you move your eyes or arms: you dont tell them to move, you just will it.

One thing we have to keep in mind, though, Joseph said. Is that we cant try and will ourselves to stop on a dime from a forty or fifty mile-an-hour shot. Itd be like hitting a wall, Id presume. Our brains would probably shoot out of our eyes or something.

Thats gross, Summer laughed. But are you sure? Maybe its another failsafe. Maybe whatever the force field that wraps around our body to keep us safe, also intertwines through our entire body.

Well have to test it at some point, Bramora concluded.

Okay, Majecki agreed, sitting back against a strange-looking tree. But lets focus on what were going to do here.

I agree. So whats the plan? Joseph asked the rest of the group. This is day two, which means we need to locate these guys today and bring them back to Brone by tomorrow. How are we even supposed to find them?

Well, Bramora said. Ive stared out across that field for a while earlier, and I couldnt see any trees at all, not even in the distance. They were in the Forest, right? Thats what Raphael said.

Yeah, Majecki agreed. And I know were headed the right direction, so were not lost. Thats just means that we have a ways to go before we get to the Forest.

What if those people are headed the opposite direction? Summer asked. We might never catch them in time to bring them back by tomorrow.

We can only pray, Bramora replied.

They sat in silence, eating their strange fruit and drinking down the juices, when Majecki suddenly sat up straight.

Ive got it, he said, looking up at the mountain behind them. Now this may sound crazy, but I want to give it a shot.

What? the others demanded.

The singer grinned.

I am going to fly straight up, maybe a mile or so, and see if I can spot them, or just see the forest. Get a birds-eye-view.

Sounds like a good idea, Joseph said.

Sounds dangerous, Bramora countered. What if theres a limit as to how far we can get from our Blesmahj before we lose the shield and the flying ability?

Majecki shrugged dismissively.

Then Ill fall back down until I have the powers again, he answered.

That seemed to satisfy everyone, who nodded and wished Majecki good luck as he started to rise.

Dont die, Summer called out, smiling.

Okay, he called back.

The wind whistled in his ears and whipped his silken clothes around as he booked it skyward. Inside, Majecki secretly imagined himself in a red cape with a large S on his chest. He was almost tempted to raise a fist in the air.

As he rushed up, Majecki noticed that the wind was not bothering his eyes, despite his mediocre speed. Apparently, he figured, the shielding also provided a buffer against the air as well.

It must work on a subconscious level, he thought.

About five minutes later and close to a mile up, Majecki slowed his ascent and looked back to the ground. There, far below, his comrades awaited his return, though now they were mere specks beside the massive mountain.

See anything? a voice suddenly said behind him, making Majecki yelp and turn around immediately.

Joseph floated there, laughing and wiping his eyes.

You really need to pay more attention when you go off on your own like this, he said through fits of laughter.

You scared the tar out of me, Majecki panted, holding his hand to his pounding heart. I thought there was like, a talking pterodactyl or something.

Not hardly, Joseph smiled, coming up beside him.

Anyways, Majecki said, turning away from the mountains and the rising sun, whose light they could see literally moving across the landscape in an amazing line. There, in the distance. Do you see that?

Joseph focused his eyes and stared out into the distance, scrutinizing a dark mass in the distance.

It looks like some sort of structure, Joseph observed. But its gotta be at least ten miles away, considering the daylight hasnt even hit it yet. You think the other people would hole up there for the night?

Its probably our best bet right now, Majecki said, nodding and looking back at his comrade.

Lets get back to the others so we can get going.

Yeah, about that, Majecki said with a mischievous smile. You know how we were comparing this flight thing to our arms and legs earlier?

Yeah, Joseph said slowly.

Well, you know how sometimes you can go limp and lets your arms and legs just hang there? Wonder what happens when we-

That was all Joseph heard because suddenly Majecki was falling to the ground, very fast.

Majecki! Joseph cried, shooting downward.

But his call was lost amidst the whipping wind and Majeckis screams of delight.

Just fall! the singer-turned-hero called back, laughing and whooping. Dont try and force it!

Majecki turned somersaults and flips as he shot blazingly fast back toward the oncoming earth. Above him, Joseph was now doing the same, skydiving without a parachute.

Each of the Rheigns had to answer to their Blesmahj, who were demanding the meaning of their foolish actions as they looked up from the ground to see their partners falling from the sky.

For sport, Joseph penciled his body to lessen the wind resistance and aimed for the other falling body, slowly closing the gap between them. Just as he reached him, Joseph reached out and slapped Majeckis outstretched ankle.

Youre it! he cried, then laughed as Majecki twisted and reached, all the while plummeting at eighty miles an hour toward a very hard surface.

Forty-five seconds after their initial drop, Joseph avoided a tag by Majecki and looked to the ground, which was now less than a quarter-mile away.

I think its time to pull up, he called through the howling wind.

If we can! Majecki laughed maniacally. Im going to try a quick sudden stop, then let go. You know, see if I can handle it.

Just dont hurt yourself, Joseph warned.

Majecki nodded and braced himself mentally and physically. Quickly, he willed himself to come to a sudden stop.

In a matter of a split second, he went from falling near a hundred miles an hour to zero speed. And, to his surprise, he felt fine. His eyes clouded over momentarily, like having them closed tight and opening them to bright light. But other than that, he was fine.

Joseph saw this and went to stop, then changed his mind, deciding to have a little fun.

Keeping his eyes on the ground and his friends below, he fell like a rocket straight toward them, noting the terror in their eyes, even the Blesmahj.

{Youre cutting it close!} Clovis snapped in his mind as he watched with an intense glare.

{Just watch,} Joseph replied, fifty, forty, twenty feet from the ground.

At ten feet he dropped his speed down to almost nothing and covered the remaining distance in less than half-a-second, making it seem like he had never slowed at all before his feet touched the ground. Around him, the Blesmahj and Rheigns gawked at him, some of their jaws even hanging open in shock.

Joseph! Summer screamed, running up to him and getting right in his face. You have got to show me how to do that!

 

Chapters

24

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Tod Schneider wrote 373 days ago

I just read chapter one, and I'd say this is looking good! You move pretty quickly into the action, and that's critical.
If I were to tinker with it at all, I'd consider deleting the word "rather", which weakens rather than strengthens (i.e. rather chilly, rather exhausted). You might also consider dropping the first paragraph, unless there's something there we really need to know. My guess is, it's background info that can be slipped in farther on.
But overall I think you're in great shape. Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

Shelby Z. wrote 382 days ago

Original idea for this story as a Christian book.
As someone else mentioned it does need a little clipping, but it IS well written.
You have a good book and plot coming along here.
I like the title and the pitch is well developing for your story.
Keep up the good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

tennishorts wrote 384 days ago

Hey Anthony,
You could cut some stuff out in this first chapter and I think it would still stand quite well. Interesting premise... I will see if I can get back to read a few more chapters to get a better feel for your writing style :)
Becky

kshaw wrote 385 days ago

Anthony, (sorry this is going to be very long)
The first paragraph of the prologue is beautiful. Usually I would say to start at the second para because its where the action is, but your first para is short, poignant and sets the tone perfectly. So don't change that :)

The second sentence of the second paragraph needs to be reworked. It just reads jumbled because of all the letters and numbers so I would say: A dusty Toyota 4Runner sat on A303 road, the headlights on and the driver taking another sip of his black coffee. You don't have to say exactly that, but its tighter, cleaner and easier to read.

Other than that the prologue is wonderful. I love the tonality in your writing and the hook at the end is just perfect.

In chapter one, that first para needs to be reworked. I would say: A truck bounded into the driveway with a slight squeal. Although he was not speeding, he wasn't going very slow either-it was something to be expected from a sixteen-year old boy with less than six months driving experience.

Actually, all throughout ch 1 I would tighten up those sentences that are not dialogue. Strip them down to their essence and it will be much easier to read. Its not bad, just needs to go through an edit :)

I really like how you captured the teenage voice in here and the interaction of the family. It is very believable and funny. I also love the news story that's going on and it is exactly how people would react.

Ch 2 is a bit confusing, but I'm sure you are going to tie all that up :)

Ch 3 is really interesting. I love the bit about Aliens; that is super funny. I was worried that Apollo wasn't going to get more airtime than he got in Ch 2 and I love the dynamic between him and Summer.

Well that's all I have gotten through at the moment. I really do think its a great start and I'm glad I found your piece. I will be happy to put your book on my shelf so that it can get some recognition. Hope my comments help :)
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PHILOSOPHIA

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