Book Jacket

 

rank 5844
word count 114443
date submitted 01.05.2012
date updated 03.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Chri...
classification: universal
complete

Brone

Anthony Zackery

Eight teenagers are sucked into a the war against the original fallen angels, led by the Emperor Belial.

 

When a mysterious Scroll appears above Stonehenge, it beckons eight teenagers to England where they are suddenly transported to Altopia, an untamed land full of demons and angels. Equipped with awesome, new powers, the young people must battle their way against the forces of the Emperor Belial, the original fallen angel, as he and his army wage war against the Carnecians, a peaceful race of people marked for death by Belial. With only three days until the war is prophecied to end, the Altopian Warriors must unite against the fallen angels to save the Carnecians before the time runs out. But can the eight amateur warriors survive against millenial-old Celestials long enough to save the City of Brone? Or will their inexperience prove too much as they prepare for their final battle against the Emperor himself?

 
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tags

angel, battle, nephilim, powers, seraphim, superhero, superpowers, sword, teen, warrior, weapon

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Chapters

34

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Straggler

 So, Apollo said casually as they flew from building to building, landing lightly atop one and running to the far edge to survey the next target. Will this plan still work with only three people? Because Im pretty sure this was a four-person plan.

We can make it work, Llandra replied coolly, still slightly irritated by their change of plans.

They had worked out the scheme with all four of them in mind, each with a particular responsibility in order to execute things as efficiently as possible. The Rheigns and Blesmahj were apparently performing things well enough on their end, considering the nonstop commotion taking place on the streets below. They hadnt heard from or even seen them since entering the city, but they had witnessed the effects of their attacks. The streets were teeming with disorganized soldiers, many of whom were barking commands to troops who paid them no mind. Strange looking white and red demons interspersed with Nephilim, and fights had broken out between the multiple species.

There seemed to be one force, however, that was sweeping the streets and restoring order to the chaos. This legion was comprised entirely of armor-clad Nephilim, who were moving from street to street, ending quarrels and restoring order by any means necessary. In their wake were the remains of all those who had resisted them, all of whom had met a quick demise at their ruthless hands. Those who complied were sent to the city center, a location still unseen by the Kehtayahn, but their destination nonetheless.

I say we avoid the hit squad, Angel suggested as he peered over the roofs edge, surveying the carnage below. We couldnt handle four angels, much less six-daggum-thousand of them.

The trio flew quickly to the next building, checked for spotters, then moved on to the next.

Ive got to say, Apollo said as he flew alongside Llandra. It is getting pretty difficult to maintain my usual chipper personality considering the odds that seem to be stacking higher and higher against us. Even I have to admit that I dont see the logical endgame to this whole thing.

I know how you feel, Llandra agreed, taking a moments pleasure as the wind whipped her hair back.

Before them, Angel hit the next roof and rolled, more for the fun of it than anything. When he popped up to his feet, he ran to the far end of the building, springing with all of his strength for the opening in the side of the building across the street. He could have flown, but he enjoyed pushing himself, and jumping seventy feet straight forward was a good way of doing such. Angel shot through the window and hit the ground easily, sliding across the floor before halting himself before the far wall. His companions flew through the window behind him and smiled at him.

And why didnt you just fly? his twin asked, continuing through the building to the far side.

Angel smiled.

Because this was funner!

Im pretty sure funner is not a word, Llandra corrected him.

Angel stopped at the next window and peered out, then turned back to his sister.

It is now.

There, Apollo pointed, aiming over the next building to something in the distance. Its the Edifice of Elders.

Through the dusty air, they could just make out the outline of Brones tallest structure, which towered over everything around it. None of its neighbors were within ten stories of its height, the Edifice clearly intended to be the tallest structure in the city.

Well, Llandra said with a nod. Its still standing. At least we have that going for us.

Angel squinted at the building.

It kind of makes you wonder how anyone could get a building made out of mud to stand that ridiculously tall.

Im sure its more than mud, Llandra said, then shot over to the next building with the rest of her crew.

You know, Angel said, scanning the city streets and seeing nobody. Weve been jumping buildings for hours now. All this stealth is just killing me.

No, his sister replied. All this stealth is keeping you alive. What do you want to do, just go for it?

Just a little, he said with a shrug.

So we can draw the attention of the hit squad?

Well, Angel said slowly. Not really.

Llandra pat him on the back and smiled.

Then slow and steady it is.

The trio flew to the next building and shot through the window a few floors from the top.

Ahh! came a startled cry as they touched down in the room, and the Kehtayahn produced their weapons instantly.

A thick figure rushed from the room, and the Warriors looked at each other, puzzled.

I think that was a Carnecian, Apollo said, then began to run after it.

Wait! he called, overtaking the stubby little person quickly. Were the good guys!

The Carnecian, whose one eye was wide in terror, took a step back as Apollo cut him off.

Please, no! 

Hey, man, Angel said softly, recalling his blade and holding his hands up in a sign of peace. Were not Nephilim. Were humans.

The grey creature seemed to relax at this, looking him over, then the other two.

You are the creatures from the Edifice of Elders, he said slowly. I have heard of you.

Well, Llandra replied. Were not them, but we are with them. My name is Llandra.

I am Guili, the Carnecian said, and put his thick hands in the front pouch of the red robe he was wearing.

Are you alone up here? Angel asked, looking around at the empty halls.

Yes. The rest of us were rounded up by Belials forces yesterday, but I managed to stay hidden while the Nephilim kidnapped the rest of them.

What did they do with everyone? Apollo asked, noticing for the first time the evidence of chaos around him.

Objects that looked as though they should be standing upright were lying in the middle of the hallway, and many walls had holes punched through them. Pieces of strange things the humans were unfamiliar with were scattered across the floor, adding to the impression that something hectic had taken place here.

They have been taken to the City Center, Guili replied sadly.

Thats where the Edifice is, right?

Yes. I heard some of the Nephilim speaking, telling my friends that they were being taken to the City Center, which is the grounds surrounding the Edifice of Elders. It is usually used for celebrations and gatherings.

The wheels in Llandras head started turning as she began piecing together the facts.

Is it big enough to hold the entire population of Brone? the curly-headed girl asked, sounding worried.

Yes, the Carnecian replied. It was designed as such.

Why hasnt Belial conquered Brone by now?

Jehovah has not allowed it.

No, specifically, Llandra pressed, shaking her head. Why hasnt he just marched through the city before recently?

Guili looked at her peculiarly.

The Seraphim have always interceded immediately. Any time the Nephilim have marched on Brone, Jehovah has sent his Seraphim to defend us before they even set foot in the city.

Have they done this since we arrived?

No. The Seraphim departed the city yesterday shortly after the Rheigns and Blesmahj.

Oh, no, Llandra whispered as the reality of things began to dawn on her.

What? her brother demanded.

His twin responded slowly, eyes darting left and right as she spoke.

This whole thing is about a grudge. The renegade angels have been warring against the Carnecians for years now, but Jehovahs forces have been keeping them at bay. But since yesterday the city has been unprotected. So Belial invaded the city and, without us here or Jehovah sending aid, he has sacked it. He is rounding up the Carnecians in one place as fast as possible in order to...

She left it hanging, but Apollo knew where she was going with it.

Genocide.

Guili took a step back as if he had been slapped.

Impossible, he said in shock. Jehovah would never allow that.

You cant blame God for the actions of people, Llandra replied solemnly. Sometimes He lets things happen that we wish He wouldnt.

But why didnt Belial just kill them all, Angel pondered. Instead of rounding them up. Killing them would have been much faster.

I dont know, Llandra said, then turned for the exit and began talking as she walked. Guili, stay here. Guys, we have to get to the City Center now. Hopefully we get there before Belial kills them all.

What if theyre already dead? Apollo asked grimly.

Llandra stopped at the window and checked the street below.

We can only pray that theyre not.

 

Chapters

34

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Tod Schneider wrote 375 days ago

I just read chapter one, and I'd say this is looking good! You move pretty quickly into the action, and that's critical.
If I were to tinker with it at all, I'd consider deleting the word "rather", which weakens rather than strengthens (i.e. rather chilly, rather exhausted). You might also consider dropping the first paragraph, unless there's something there we really need to know. My guess is, it's background info that can be slipped in farther on.
But overall I think you're in great shape. Best of luck with this!
-- Tod
authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

Shelby Z. wrote 385 days ago

Original idea for this story as a Christian book.
As someone else mentioned it does need a little clipping, but it IS well written.
You have a good book and plot coming along here.
I like the title and the pitch is well developing for your story.
Keep up the good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

tennishorts wrote 387 days ago

Hey Anthony,
You could cut some stuff out in this first chapter and I think it would still stand quite well. Interesting premise... I will see if I can get back to read a few more chapters to get a better feel for your writing style :)
Becky

kshaw wrote 387 days ago

Anthony, (sorry this is going to be very long)
The first paragraph of the prologue is beautiful. Usually I would say to start at the second para because its where the action is, but your first para is short, poignant and sets the tone perfectly. So don't change that :)

The second sentence of the second paragraph needs to be reworked. It just reads jumbled because of all the letters and numbers so I would say: A dusty Toyota 4Runner sat on A303 road, the headlights on and the driver taking another sip of his black coffee. You don't have to say exactly that, but its tighter, cleaner and easier to read.

Other than that the prologue is wonderful. I love the tonality in your writing and the hook at the end is just perfect.

In chapter one, that first para needs to be reworked. I would say: A truck bounded into the driveway with a slight squeal. Although he was not speeding, he wasn't going very slow either-it was something to be expected from a sixteen-year old boy with less than six months driving experience.

Actually, all throughout ch 1 I would tighten up those sentences that are not dialogue. Strip them down to their essence and it will be much easier to read. Its not bad, just needs to go through an edit :)

I really like how you captured the teenage voice in here and the interaction of the family. It is very believable and funny. I also love the news story that's going on and it is exactly how people would react.

Ch 2 is a bit confusing, but I'm sure you are going to tie all that up :)

Ch 3 is really interesting. I love the bit about Aliens; that is super funny. I was worried that Apollo wasn't going to get more airtime than he got in Ch 2 and I love the dynamic between him and Summer.

Well that's all I have gotten through at the moment. I really do think its a great start and I'm glad I found your piece. I will be happy to put your book on my shelf so that it can get some recognition. Hope my comments help :)
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
PHILOSOPHIA

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