The Butterfly Dance

I've read to the end now. I think it's a lovely story with a lot of potential. But for me at this stage, there are a couple of general issues. First, it's too short. Each of the vignettes with the stone could be longer. You write well and there are some great descriptions - actually bringing the shaman to life a bit more, and the lizard who never really talks, and the owls, and the other animals of the forest - again there is a lot of telling where there could be more showing.
The same with Joe's story - there could be so much more of it, and particularly the characters around her. Bill is one-dimensional, even in your descriptions, and yet he shows a spark of humanity at the end when he hugs his daughter. I guess there are men who leave and want no more to do with their family, but there are many who at least want some contact with their kids.
At the moment there doesn't seem to be much of a connection between the stone pony's story and Joe's. I'm not saying there absolutely must be, although you'd have a much more literary work if there was. It's not really clear at the end of each vignette about the stone what it is he's learnt, which makes the ending currently unbelievable.
Joe is a major character and her death is hard but realistic - some do go into remission but Joe dies, and I think that is a reasonable ending because it deals with reality. As Joe dies, so the stone 'lives' which is neat, and potentially wonderful, but it happens too quickly. There could be a lot more low-key development of arguments about human nature, souls, afterlife and such - all tricky, certainly - whereas the simple statement from Tarz that she 'has gone to a better place' comes across as shallow words of comfort - why could not Joe and Connor have talked about what happens to her after she dies? They're very close and you've mentioned their arguments in this area before.
The stuff about rezoning also needs to be described more clearly so that the reader understands the significance and is more invested in the outcome - ratcheting up the tension by having the council ignore the petition works well but would be better if the farm and its surrounds were made more real to us.
At only 11,500 words, this almost reads as a long synopsis of a story, with much 'telling'. As an example, the time when Joe is sitting asking for signatures - that could be told from Connor's perspective with more focus on the description of Joe from his rather than the narrator's POV, and including other descriptions that make it more real - what smells are there (is there a food van), how are people dressed? Is it hot, muggy, windy, still? How is that affecting Connor, or Joe's mum? Etc.
And why is the stone pony not afraid of becoming human? I understand why the story ends where it does, but at the same time, to become a child with no background, no parents, no clothes! What does the stone make of the bad things it sees in humans, such as Bill?
Again, I realise that how much you go into such things partly depends on the age of your readers. I also realise that this tale is something of a fable and i don't deny that it stands quite well as it is. But I also think it could be a lot more powerful if it is longer and more involved.

cheers
Chris

Ch3. A tad simplistic, and rather more telling than showing, at least of Joe and Connor. I think I like the narrator's occasional interruptions - not my style, but works in yours. You say the kids talked about death - debated, even. It would have been far more entertaining (and much harder, I know) to present the debate, rather than tell us it happened. The 'death holds no reality when you're a child' paragraph, with the question and the 'this is not the case' comment. I got confused here. I disagree with the first blanket statement. I'm assuming 'this is not the case' refers to thinking death has no claim on you? But I'm not sure. I don't like the construction and again, its telling not showing. I'd be going for some of the actual debate between the kids - doesn't matter if they say some childish stuff - all the better for a decent character arc, as they can grow in maturity and understanding (as can the stone) as the cancer/plot progresses.

I really like the whole premise of the story, but I think you can add depth and character with a bit more telling.

Dear minorkey,

Thank you for your thoughtful, balanced comments. I am taking your comments to heart, and keeping a log of them, if you don't mind. If there was a way of grading people for editorial comments, I would be giving you full marks.

With kindest regards, Lynne

Lynne, based on the first chapter read, you have a very original concept here ( pretty rare on this site), and you've executed really well so far.

I wondered if the penultimate line should read "...the stone pony realised he must have a heart after all..." For some reason I didn't like the word "grown."

Very best of luck with this - I've given you five stars (again rare for me!) and you are on my watchlist for future shelving.


Did you know that if you click on the cherries at the side, you can lead with your best comments.

Hi, there Lynne– this is a return review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I was completely drawn in by your first chapter, which is good news, but the bad news is that your pitches didn’t prepare me for this sweet, intense story. I am no expert on how to write them, but I can tell that you are capable of better writing. Give us a window into your expertly woven fantasy that we absolutely cannot resist.

When Joe is first introduced, I stumbled a bit. Perhaps adding “His human friend, Joe…”

I love the connections the stone makes with all these creatures…Connor, the salmon, and the shaman. It’s obviously a fable yet utterly believable and captivating. And the littlest dragon is my most favorite of all.

You do a really good job of orienting the reader at the start of each chapter. I know when I’m in the present day and when I’m back with the stone before carving.

Top of ch 8 a rare typo. Cental where you want central.

I love how the pony must learn to separate from his many friends in much the same way that Connor must separate from Joe.

I sobbed my way through the final chapter. I expected not to be sad, because of the prologue, but you created a marvelously moving ending to this fable.

I am sorry you haven’t been back in a while. I hope the notification of this review encourages you to return. This book could do well here.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

This is a very different read for me. I love the tone in the parts about the history of the stone pony - there's a fable quality I find very engaging. I also enjoyed the dialogues between Joe and Connor and Joe's mum and grandfather. I found that story very sympathetic and enjoyed the range of points of view you employ.

I think there is a YA reading group somewhere on the forum here. You might find that useful. My one question reading this story is about how it would work with young adult readers - but I'm not one and my kids are younger so I don't have any insight, just that question.

But I enjoyed your writing and think your story is original and highly engaging. High stars from me,

Kate
The Licenser

I've read to the end now. I think it's a lovely story with a lot of potential. But for me at this stage, there are a couple of general issues. First, it's too short. Each of the vignettes with the stone could be longer. You write well and there are some great descriptions - actually bringing the shaman to life a bit more, and the lizard who never really talks, and the owls, and the other animals of the forest - again there is a lot of telling where there could be more showing.
The same with Joe's story - there could be so much more of it, and particularly the characters around her. Bill is one-dimensional, even in your descriptions, and yet he shows a spark of humanity at the end when he hugs his daughter. I guess there are men who leave and want no more to do with their family, but there are many who at least want some contact with their kids.
At the moment there doesn't seem to be much of a connection between the stone pony's story and Joe's. I'm not saying there absolutely must be, although you'd have a much more literary work if there was. It's not really clear at the end of each vignette about the stone what it is he's learnt, which makes the ending currently unbelievable.
Joe is a major character and her death is hard but realistic - some do go into remission but Joe dies, and I think that is a reasonable ending because it deals with reality. As Joe dies, so the stone 'lives' which is neat, and potentially wonderful, but it happens too quickly. There could be a lot more low-key development of arguments about human nature, souls, afterlife and such - all tricky, certainly - whereas the simple statement from Tarz that she 'has gone to a better place' comes across as shallow words of comfort - why could not Joe and Connor have talked about what happens to her after she dies? They're very close and you've mentioned their arguments in this area before.
The stuff about rezoning also needs to be described more clearly so that the reader understands the significance and is more invested in the outcome - ratcheting up the tension by having the council ignore the petition works well but would be better if the farm and its surrounds were made more real to us.
At only 11,500 words, this almost reads as a long synopsis of a story, with much 'telling'. As an example, the time when Joe is sitting asking for signatures - that could be told from Connor's perspective with more focus on the description of Joe from his rather than the narrator's POV, and including other descriptions that make it more real - what smells are there (is there a food van), how are people dressed? Is it hot, muggy, windy, still? How is that affecting Connor, or Joe's mum? Etc.
And why is the stone pony not afraid of becoming human? I understand why the story ends where it does, but at the same time, to become a child with no background, no parents, no clothes! What does the stone make of the bad things it sees in humans, such as Bill?
Again, I realise that how much you go into such things partly depends on the age of your readers. I also realise that this tale is something of a fable and i don't deny that it stands quite well as it is. But I also think it could be a lot more powerful if it is longer and more involved.

cheers
Chris

Ch3. A tad simplistic, and rather more telling than showing, at least of Joe and Connor. I think I like the narrator's occasional interruptions - not my style, but works in yours. You say the kids talked about death - debated, even. It would have been far more entertaining (and much harder, I know) to present the debate, rather than tell us it happened. The 'death holds no reality when you're a child' paragraph, with the question and the 'this is not the case' comment. I got confused here. I disagree with the first blanket statement. I'm assuming 'this is not the case' refers to thinking death has no claim on you? But I'm not sure. I don't like the construction and again, its telling not showing. I'd be going for some of the actual debate between the kids - doesn't matter if they say some childish stuff - all the better for a decent character arc, as they can grow in maturity and understanding (as can the stone) as the cancer/plot progresses.

I really like the whole premise of the story, but I think you can add depth and character with a bit more telling.

Dear minorkey,

Thank you for your thoughtful, balanced comments. I am taking your comments to heart, and keeping a log of them, if you don't mind. If there was a way of grading people for editorial comments, I would be giving you full marks.

With kindest regards, Lynne

Ch3. A tad simplistic, and rather more telling than showing, at least of Joe and Connor. I think I like the narrator's occasional interruptions - not my style, but works in yours. You say the kids talked about death - debated, even. It would have been far more entertaining (and much harder, I know) to present the debate, rather than tell us it happened. The 'death holds no reality when you're a child' paragraph, with the question and the 'this is not the case' comment. I got confused here. I disagree with the first blanket statement. I'm assuming 'this is not the case' refers to thinking death has no claim on you? But I'm not sure. I don't like the construction and again, its telling not showing. I'd be going for some of the actual debate between the kids - doesn't matter if they say some childish stuff - all the better for a decent character arc, as they can grow in maturity and understanding (as can the stone) as the cancer/plot progresses.

I really like the whole premise of the story, but I think you can add depth and character with a bit more telling.

Read ch2, nicely written tale in itself, works for YA or younger, not too deep or difficult and hopefully will hold interest (action and adventure is all very well, but this is a wonderful tale of thought and learning). Some of the writing could be polished.
e.g. - 'no other creature would be so foolish to' should be 'foolish as to'
the use of 'other such data' sounded like a rushed end - I didn't like 'data' in the context of the story, it doesn't really fit the style/tone. I'd look to end this sentence in some other words.
'if you so desired such' lose either the 'so' or the 'such'.
Very readable. I'll move on to the next chapter.

Interesting and novel premise. I'm intrigued but currently only have time for ch1. So I will watchlist. So far, enjoying your writing style. Only quibble I have at this point is that (to me at least) 'Joe' is the boy's spelling of the name, 'Jo' the girl's. I'm sure that's not hard and fast and perhaps I'm the only one, but it's tripping me up.

Anyway, I'll come back to this.

The magical and powerful Stone Pony but lack gender is fascinating.
This is fun packed entertainment.

6 stars on what I read thus far

Thank you! You are very kind to say.

The magical and powerful Stone Pony but lack gender is fascinating.
This is fun packed entertainment.

6 stars on what I read thus far

Lynne, based on the first chapter read, you have a very original concept here ( pretty rare on this site), and you've executed really well so far.

I wondered if the penultimate line should read "...the stone pony realised he must have a heart after all..." For some reason I didn't like the word "grown."

Thank you for your very kind comments. The use of the word 'grown' makes more sense further along.

Very best of luck with this - I've given you five stars (again rare for me!) and you are on my watchlist for future shelving.


Did you know that if you click on the cherries at the side, you can lead with your best comments.

Lynne, based on the first chapter read, you have a very original concept here ( pretty rare on this site), and you've executed really well so far.

I wondered if the penultimate line should read "...the stone pony realised he must have a heart after all..." For some reason I didn't like the word "grown."

Very best of luck with this - I've given you five stars (again rare for me!) and you are on my watchlist for future shelving.


Did you know that if you click on the cherries at the side, you can lead with your best comments.