Of Scotland, England, and Ireland

Hi RachelSarah,

Sorry it has taken me so long to comment (I read Ten New Martyrs weeks ago).

I first set foot in Ireland in 1981, as a member of a small delegation of British trade unionists supporting the hunger strikers, hosted by republican families in the Creggan. It was a powerful experience and no doubt had a lot to do with me moving to Ireland in 1983 and living here since. It is hard for me to comment objectively on your story, but I'll try.

I would leave out the factual prologue. Not because it isn't important, but because it detracts from the story as a piece of fiction. Readers who know the history don't need it and those who don't might be stirred to research it if the story catches their interest. They are less likely to do so if it reads like a manifesto. On the other hand, the device of heading and dating each section with the death of a hunger striker works really well. It honours and humanises those who died and shows the impact of those deaths on the community.

Working-class people struggle to live their lives, and make a living, and manage their relationships, and rear their children, at the best of times and this time, in the occupied six counties, was not by any means the best of times. Your story captures this, the mix of the mundane and the extraordinary, so well. It also shows the ambiguity, the fear and the pride, of parents whose children joined the republican movement, better than anything else I have read. It reminds us too, that far too many children and young people, from all sides and none, died during the Troubles, and in that it was no different to any other war.

I would omit the verses from 'The Men Behind the Wire' at the end. Although I'm often tempted to quote lyrics, or poetry, or even other writers' prose, I think it's almost never a good idea. It betrays a lack of confidence in your own skills as a writer. I would finish on - 'No-one was mentioning Paul and Ciaran's abesnce.' You don't need the song and you don't even need to say 'it was too painful'.

Regards
Dave F

I had seen 'Ten Martyrs' on a forum thread so had a chance to read it, and some of your poems; I liked 'Belfast' very much.
The 'Ten Martyrs' is a very strong piece and interesting piece of writing that really catches the tension and working class life and dialogue in Belfast. As someone has already said, there is room to expand this story into a novel or to write other stories about the individual characters.

I loved your poems, very sad and evocative. I can't do a crit. I just think poems either move you or they don't and these did! They are economical, not a word out of place and beautiful.
I still think Ten Martyrs could be the basis for a whole set of short stories. They are strong stories and it would be great to see them developed more. The dialogue and situations are realistic and it could really work well for you, I think.

Hello, sorry it's taken me longer to comment than I said, it's been a mad few days with the jubilee! No offence, but I just couldn't get into The Couple. Many people will find this enjoyable but it's just not my genre, I'm afraid. Ten New Martryrs, on the other hand... Wow! I bloody loved this and was gutted when I reached the end! I think you've really got something with this story and could see it being a novel. I honestly believe that if you expanded this, you would have a cracking book. I absolutely love your writing style. Your narrative voice, rich descriptions, believable characters and fantastic dialogue had me gripped from the start. I particularly liked the way you announced the deaths of the prisoners individually at the beginning of the scenes. It could do with a good edit but still, you've done a fantastic job on this. Please think about what I've said and try to make this into a book, because I'd buy it! Six stars and highly recommended. Well done.

Hi Rachel,
I’ve taken a look at ‘Ten New Martyrs’ and I really enjoyed it, you’ve tackled what I’m sure is a sensitive subject extremely well. The only thing I wasn’t so sure about was the opening few paragraphs, before the introduction of Sinead; I almost felt as though it was an academic piece on the Hunger Strikes rather than a story. However, once Sinead and Louise are introduced, things certainly picked up, and you have a created a character that we can really empathise with.
The dialogue and use of dialect is brilliant, totally believable, I’m sure if I attempted it, the results would be nowhere near as good!
The first thing I did notice was a small repetition error on the first line (introduced into the the occupied six county state) – certainly nothing major at all! There are a few more tiny errors throughout, but these are really easy to fix – for example, where you have written ‘unseasonable cold out’ I would change this to ‘unseasonably cold out’ – like I said, these are only minute details.
Overall, I think ‘Ten New Martyrs’ is an excellent story, the ending is just as it should be for a short story – ambiguous and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions, and I don’t feel that you have tried to pack in too much. Well done, Rachel, you really have something here! Highly starred, and I shall keep on my WL to have a look at some of the others soon.
Effie.

I enjoyed both of your poems. I read Ten New Martyrs and The Couple. I enoyed the contrast between everyday life and the deaths in Ten New Martyrs. I got a real feel for Belfast life in the Eighties. The Couple was such a sweet story, I enjoyed reading it alot. Gramatically they are all sound. I am going to back this book.

I'll admit, I don't know athing about poetry so I won't be able to help you out with a critique here. Even so, what I read was enjoyable. It's all good stuff! Didn't find anything to fault, grammar or punctuation-wise, which is the sort of crit I focus on. I'm rating this six stars, simply because I can't think of anything bad to say about it, and I sincerely hope it gets more readers. Poetry is under-appreciated these days.

I couldn't write decent poetry to save my life but one little ditty occurred to me one day and I had to use it in my novel (appears in chapter 23.) Its theme is Life - death and reincarnation, which is ultimately what the story is about. Read it and tell me what you think!

James

***

Over the Sea eastwards all souls pass,
There to rejoin the Cycle.
Spring will dawn and Winter groan,
Blossom bloom, fade and fall:
Tree shall wither, mourn and wane,
Youth will weary, children age,
Mountains tumble, lands shall cease:
Time goes on.
But all souls pass, all souls pass,
Over the Sea to the great Soul Tree,
And so repeats the Cycle:
For Life itself is eternal.

Your poetry is powerful and mature, a joy to read. 6 stars ******

Adam De-Thurstman

Poetry is a beautiful art and a gift. It is a gift which I personally do not own (much as I tried during school) my lovely old English teacher Ruth Lewis was best friends with Seamus Heaney (a brilliant poet)

You Rachel have a gift. I can tell a story BUT your usage of words are way beyond my limited abilites.

You should be proud of your work 6 stars

Dean

LADIES NIGHT

ROUGH JUSTICE

Poetry is a beautiful art and a gift. It is a gift which I personally do not own (much as I tried during school) my lovely old English teacher Ruth Lewis was best friends with Seamus Heaney (a brilliant poet)

You Rachel have a gift. I can tell a story BUT your usage of words are way beyond my limited abilites.

You should be proud of your work 6 stars

Dean

LADIES NIGHT

ROUGH JUSTICE

Poetry is one of literature that i love very much. I am happy to see you here doing this. I love the three chapter title 'SILVER SMILE' What a wonderful written. See i have rated you six stars, i mean six outstanding.

Iosje David

Animals in Paradise

Wow, prayers, monologue and prayers. about Irealnd and belfast. Weldone, keep poetry going. Good.

I'll be reading this book tonite

Hi Rachel
I love chapter 6 the most. Its strong, rebellious and practical. Bastards! The British government.
Watchlisted and 6 stars.
Josphine.

I enjoyed your poems. It reminds me of the time I spent in Ireland doing missionary work.