Finders: The Case of Thomas Crain

Broke 800! I am so happy to see people are enjoying this, or that my pestering them is paying off, either way.

I think this needs to be said and I'm not sure what to do with it. This story is NOT and was never really intended to be a straight up children's OR adult novel. It's modeled after the old family shows that I grew up with as a kid. It has a bright cheerful story and setting that kids can enjoy, and has elements that older people can also enjoy. Some elements may to go over kids heads and are there for older members of the audience. This is another reason why I'm seriously considering an audio presentation, since save for parents reading to their children, I'm not sure this works in book format.

YARG/CHIRG review:

This drew my attention because of the intriguing premise - centuries-old pharoahs with the personalities of kids isn't something I've seen before! You start with a good hook; the first-person voice draws the reader into the story as Thomas wonders how he ended up tied to a chair. In the first chapter, meanwhile, you do a good job of introducing information succintly through Kyle's voice; the idea of an advanced race forming an alliance with werewolves on Earth is a great blend of fantasy and science fiction elements that will doubtless appeal to a young audience.

The story is fast-paced and exciting, and there's plenty of action. I did think there was perhaps a little too much background information in the first chapter - some of it is necessary, but some could be introduced later on in the story - I noticed that you repeat some of the information in the second chapter anyway. That said, this is very well-written with a good use of the first person voice.

I really enjoyed the first two chapters and I think this has the potential to be a hit with young readers. Six stars, and I wish you the best of luck with this!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

This one is a page turner! I've read a few vampire/werewolf novels and this one stays in the clean and fun category!
Thanks for letting us read it.

Yarg Review of Finders

I have read the first four chapters.

You say in a comment that the book is not supposed to be a straight up children's or adult novel but to the extent you do intend it for reading by children what age group do you envision reading this story? Is 8-12 years your projected range? Children prefer to read stories about characters who are in their own age range. If you are aiming for children of the 8-12 range you will capture that audience better if the child heroes of the story are a bit older then at present. If you actually do want to have readers in the 5-7 year range, a novel of some 80,000 words is far, far too long. 5-year-olds are listening to Curious George not full length novels. So I really think you need to up the age of your young protagonists to match the ages of your projected young readers.

A big problem I see with the story is the pacing. If you actually are writing this story for children in the 5-8 year range it is far too slow for children of that age bracket. They have a very short attention span. Even if it is for children of 8-12 years the pacing is still too slow. The chapters need to be shorter and more eventful. Younger audiences need to be drawn in with mini cliff hangers at the end of chapters.

At present the pacing of your novel (regardless of content) is the pacing of an adult novel. Younger readers will be bored before they reach chapter 4, much less the rest of the book. Cool swords and cool electrical powers are great but if there hasn't been any needful use of those powers by chapter 4 interest from your young readers is quickly going to wane.

In a comment you mention that you are trying to make this story enjoyable for adults and children but right now that attempt is dragging the story down. The parts of the book written from an adult perspective have a narrative voice that would be boring to a child reader and the parts written for a child's perspective are irritating for an adult reader (at least, for me). By trying to make a story for readers on both ends of the spectrum I think you are making readers at both ends of the spectrum unhappy. Pick one reader group and refine your story toward that demographic

If you stuck to only the narrative perspective of the children that would speed up the pacing of the book for younger readers and remove some of the boredom of following the adult thread of the story.

The idea of the story (Children finding/rescuing children) is engaging for younger readers, but it needs to be condensed and move along at a quicker pace. For better or worse young readers today have a short attention span. For that young mindset by the end of chapter 4 nothing has really happened. Time to go play on the Xbox, or whatever.

Are you familiar with the Animorph series? I imagine the age group you are trying to reach is something close to that so you might consider trying to look at the pacing of those stories. Obviously the content of your story is slightly different but the idea of having exciting things happening to keep young readers interested still holds true.

I hope that helps.

Rundy

I walked into this book not really expecting much, but I received a pleasant surprise. More than that, actually -- this made my day! I love all of the characters' personalities, as well as the way you transition between multiple POVs. My computer won't load the Chapter 4 text for some reason, but I will definitely be back later in a second attempt so I can read some more.

Prologue – first couple of paragraphs


Way too many buts and personally don’t like commas before ands, ors or buts unless there is a good reason for the pause. A little repetitive in use of the same words, arms legs etc. you could change that by saying my arm was and my other one was etc…

Same para. 3 where was I, wherever I was, where I was…too repetitive.

Overall view of prologue.
Disregarding the nitpicking above, I found it atmospheric and tense and therefore urged me on. I want to know what comes next. So if I was in a book shop and I read the prologue and the blurb, there’s a good chance I’d think of buying it.

Chapter one

Again, for me there are punctuation issues but I think that each nationality uses punctuation differently and learn different rules at school. I’m sure you’d find the same if you read mine!

A tense issue, what was she? Who is she? Should that not be who was she?

I’d give planet earth a capital E!

Damn, I don’t do werewolves or vampires but you’ve made me smile or even laugh once or twice! I like your dialogue.

Any chance you could reduce the number of paragraphs starting in I? I’ve written in the first person and I know its tricky but for example you started I took in my surroundings. The living area of the ship wasn’t particularly large.
This could be revised to: Taking in my surroundings I noticed the living area of the ship wasn’t particularly large. From a readers point of view, you want everything to be easy and smooth, not boring or repetitive. You’ve a wonderful story and imagination but you need to trick the reader. If he/she sees I starting most paragraphs he/she gets on guard…its not smooth.


Ok I’m going to stop now as I don’t know if I’m going into too much detail or even if you’ve edited yet. I suspect you have as I haven’t picked up any typos. These are just one persons opinions, not the world at large. If you would like me to continue reading and commenting let me know.
Kind regards
Tara

YARG Review

Hey David,

I finally made my way over here and read the first two chapters.

Prologue
-I really like the intensity you begin with. It makes me want to keep reading.

Ch.1
-You've created a very interesting world. A sci-fi with Vampires and Werewolves that live on earth. Not your typical Vampire novel!

Ch.2
-I like how you bring in the fact that the humans don't believe in these creatures. It adds to the background of the folklore we have today. Nice touch.
-"I put my hand on (delete: Frank's) shoulder, noticing as one of the guards.."
-You keep switching the use of Frank and Frankie which gets a little confusing.
-"Okay seriously," I had to ask, "(n)ot that I'm trying to start.."
-"Tisk, tisk," she said(.) "Typical." (S)he shook her head(.) "You made it didn't you?" (Some of your dialogue punctuation needs work.)
-Jessica is crazy--more like hyper! I like her personality though.

I really enjoyed it and wish you the best of luck!

Sarah
Sapphire

Broke 800! I am so happy to see people are enjoying this, or that my pestering them is paying off, either way.

I liked the creative world setting. Overall, the story was nice, and the mystery was intriguing.

Finders: The Case of Thomas Crain by David Rempel
I found the opening paragraphs highly fascinating. A young lad tied to a chair, unable to move, being called "Joshua" by some unseen person and him insisting that his name is Tom, in fact, "Thomas." Yet, the voice insists that on February 20th 1966 his little boy has finally come home - nice specific scene setting which is important considering that the next chapter takes the reader on a spiralling spaceship ride accompanied by "the monster" Kyle's bodyguard. Again Kyle thinks of the date: February 20th 1966! I thought that you used Kyle's thoughts quite well to give important information about the reason he needed to go to earth: to be protected by the werewolves (a very interesting premise) and he, Kyle, being a mutant Pharoah. They fought against the vampires during the Purge - intriguing. I have to continue reading... The next chapter gives more important information as far as calculating his age is concerned, his feelings about his body guard and his sparring with Joseph, much older and warning him to "keep his head low" when on Earth and the need for him to be more concerned about the rebellion against his father back home than trying to save the people on Earth from vampires. Joseph cautions him to keep running and avoid them at all cost. Your dialogue here flows very smoothly and gives some idea as to what can be expected in the next chapters when Kyle has to meet "Some guy named Allen" when he reaches Oregon. I enjoyed this unusual story thus far and will continue reading and letting you know my thoughts. Kindest regards
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

I just broke 900! Thanks to my supporters, don't stop now!
From 3000 to this in basically a month and a half!

David,

Finders
A YARG review. Welcome to the group! I hope you get all kinds of helpful reviews, and I hope this is one of them. I read your Prologue and first chapter closely and found this interesting. It’s an unusual premise, which is always nice to see. The following are my comments:

Prologue:
-To be honest, I’m not a big fan of the ”My name is…” stuff. I’m sure it’s fine, but it always sets a little funny with me. As nice as it is to know name and gender right away, I’d rather find out about it from the story.
-You say “I moved” then right after “I couldn’t move”. They contradict. The first should be ‘tried to move’
-Otherwise this is a very gripping opening.

Chapter 1:
-Since you repeat the my name is stuff, it makes it a little more palatable.
-The “Well didn’t I wish…” line was a little clunky to me. I had to read it a couple times to get a handle on what you meant.
-I liked the part about the age difference and the senior citizen joke.
-I would a better description a little earlier about the she – the she that is a monster. Sounds intriguing.
-Typo in “And you only five”. You should be you’re?
-There are a few issues with missing commas throughout. For example, I would add one here: “Some philosopher said it[,] I’m sure.”
-Comma in the wrong place here: “…thrust it forward(,) me[,] thinking fast.”

Despite the dark opening, this seems light-hearted and fairly funny. I can see this working well as a children’s book, and appeal to older folks too. There’s not big hook at the end of the chapter which a lot of people look for, but it’s not a big deal if the characters are compelling. You’re close. The punctuation needs a little cleaning up, but the dialogue and pace seem about right.

I wish you the best of luck with this. If you would return a read sometime, I would appreciate it.
Thanks,
-Chris
Game Changer

Hi. I'm new to Authonomy. I like how you get us looking through the perspective of the characters. It was interesting. And about that concept of time and age was witty.

Flinders: The Case of Thomas Crain – Review

Well there is a lot going on here. Three chapters in (on your reckoning and three different experiences with 3 different POV’s. With all that happens, there is a lot of explaining, but not really much plot. I know the main protagonists (although not the link with the prologue) and their differences and I know there enemies and strengths… so a lot of detail, more action would draw me in quicker I think,, but still an interesting read so far. Perhaps not as quirky as your other book. Maybe it could do with some quirkiness in events.

SP – interesting and dramatic
LP – Having read the prologue before I read this they seem to have no relation to one another… hmmm

Prologue:
Snappy with mystery, but the child reads older than his 9 years… must read on

Chapter 1:
OK, so different story, not sure of the link and not sure where this one is going. The banter between the characters was well drawn out, not sure about them being called Pharaohs though, unless you have a link it conjures Egyptian images.
Careful beginning sentences with BUT
earth should be Earth
Is a year a year everywhere? It is one loop around the sun for us, what about these others?
Yea – YEAH

Chapter 2:
Different chapter different POV, but at least you tell. The voice of the POV isn’t that different to the others though. Read a book called Limerence recently which does this, but the voices of the various POV characters are markedly different.
ummm – should be, Ummm
earth day, should be Earth Day
No real page turner at the end here and it probably needed one after all the info you gave. World building is good, but some action would have sped the chapter along a bit.

:DJ (I’ll be back)

This isn't meant to be a straight action/experimental story like Traveler. It's more a family adventure. I've been trying to clean up the info dumps and people have actually been complaining about them less. I'm kinda trapped on explaining the rules of the Pharaohs any deeper than I already have, as again, avoiding information dumps isn't easy. Besides, is it really important how Pharaoh's came to be? What are Pharaoh's in this world historically? Well what are Samurais in the story of Samurai Jack? It's not very important to the story, so I didn't spend much time explaining.

Flinders: The Case of Thomas Crain – Review

Well there is a lot going on here. Three chapters in (on your reckoning and three different experiences with 3 different POV’s. With all that happens, there is a lot of explaining, but not really much plot. I know the main protagonists (although not the link with the prologue) and their differences and I know there enemies and strengths… so a lot of detail, more action would draw me in quicker I think,, but still an interesting read so far. Perhaps not as quirky as your other book. Maybe it could do with some quirkiness in events.

SP – interesting and dramatic
LP – Having read the prologue before I read this they seem to have no relation to one another… hmmm

Prologue:
Snappy with mystery, but the child reads older than his 9 years… must read on

Chapter 1:
OK, so different story, not sure of the link and not sure where this one is going. The banter between the characters was well drawn out, not sure about them being called Pharaohs though, unless you have a link it conjures Egyptian images.
Careful beginning sentences with BUT
earth should be Earth
Is a year a year everywhere? It is one loop around the sun for us, what about these others?
Yea – YEAH

Chapter 2:
Different chapter different POV, but at least you tell. The voice of the POV isn’t that different to the others though. Read a book called Limerence recently which does this, but the voices of the various POV characters are markedly different.
ummm – should be, Ummm
earth day, should be Earth Day
No real page turner at the end here and it probably needed one after all the info you gave. World building is good, but some action would have sped the chapter along a bit.

:DJ (I’ll be back)

I absolutely loved this book! Seems like a mystery, somewhat of a horror, and a teen's novel all at once! Definitely on my watchlist.

I'm into this story. I like the way you introduce the world, with your unique brand of Pharoahs, vampires and werewolves, plus the characters. The introductions in chapter two and entertaining, especially when Jessica shows up, and the way Frank reacts. The goal of the character's isn't spelled out early on, but it's clear they are on an important mission and the vampires will get in the way.

The aliens should be careful to note "Earth years" as opposed to years on their home world. It's likely their planet has a year with a different length of time.

Good writing. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Famous After Death / Mute

That's a good point about the years. However I'm gonna have to say that going into detail about how the actual years on triad differ from the actual years on earth, would be complicated, unnecessary and probably boring, though I have thought about it. The Pharaohs are humans from earth ultimately, so perhaps they just make it a point to keep a similar time scheme. Thus, when they say "years" they probably just means "years". I do make it a point to say "age" when referring to how old the characters are physically.

I'm into this story. I like the way you introduce the world, with your unique brand of Pharoahs, vampires and werewolves, plus the characters. The introductions in chapter two and entertaining, especially when Jessica shows up, and the way Frank reacts. The goal of the character's isn't spelled out early on, but it's clear they are on an important mission and the vampires will get in the way.

The aliens should be careful to note "Earth years" as opposed to years on their home world. It's likely their planet has a year with a different length of time.

Good writing. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Famous After Death / Mute

The plot of this story is very intriguing from what I've read, and though I haven't fininshed it, I have put it in my reading list.^.^

Chapter 3
This planet is breath taking - I think breathtaking is one word
What did you guys regress a little? - it would read better with a comma between what and did I think

It has taken a while to get back but I didn't want to take too long. I like jessica, she's an interesting character. The story remains interesting, as well. I'll be back for more asap

The humanity of the characters keeps the non-sci-fi of us still reading and curious. Well written.

this story is great. it is well thought out, the charecters seem so real, you just wonder whats going to happen to them? i do like the herione, i love how fasinated she is with everything, reminds me of one of my charecters, Gwen... they are not exact my charecter is in a village but she's just high spirited... this story is very well done.. will you be adding more books on here?

Normally I don't read vamp stories. Let's just say I think twilight ruined a decent genre. But hopefully this will turn out to be one I can stomach. At least it isn't some sappy love story.

This is now a YARG review.
Okay I just finished reading the book, so I’ll give you my comments.

First, just some mechanical/grammatical errors, I think the manuscript would be greatly improved if it was given a thorough read-through and edit. Some examples from the first couple of chapters:
Chapter 1
You’ve got some extraneous words in some places that sort of break up the flow of the story.
For example, “Hours later I woke back up.” I feel like it would sound better if you said something like “Hours later, I woke up” or “I woke up hours later, sitting in a small chair…”
Also the sentence “I watched as…clouds of planet [E]arth…slow so we weren’t…really didn’t care so much.” I think you should take out the “so” so it reads “really didn’t care much” as I feel it would flow better.

I really liked this part: “The monster was still asleep. That was how she dealt with long journeys.” The casual mention of the “monster” really hooks the reader in and we’re left on the edge of our seats wanting to know who or possibly what exactly the monster is, so we keep reading, which is always a good thing.

Sometimes the sentences seem really choppy, I don’t know if that’s the style you’re going for, if it is great! But if not, here’s an example.
“I turned to one of our escorts, Joseph, a house servant from my home. I tugged on his shirt.”
The phrase “a house servant from my home” seems rather redundant, you could change it to “my house servant” or “a servant from my home.” Also, I feel like the two sentences could be combined to make it flow better so it would be “I turned to one of our escorts, Joseph, my house servant, and tugged on his shirt.”

Just some more mechanical errors, not all that important but I thought you might like to know about them.
In the description of Joseph, “wielded a massive blue hewed double bladed staff” it should be “blue-hewed double-bladed” the hyphens help with readability, I find.

“He then sent five fingers into my stomach, tickling and forcing me to almost scream out laughing.” The wording here is a little strange, I almost thought that Joseph had impaled Kyle with his fingers or something lol.

In the second chapter is it Frankie or Franky? You alternate between the two a couple times.

Also you use “wonder” a lot when it should be “wander.”

Alright, enough with the mechanics, I’m going to move on to my impressions of the characters and story.
First, Kyle’s a bit of a brat, but he kind of knows it so it makes it acceptable to the reader, he doesn’t come across as unbearably obnoxious and I like the way he matures throughout the story until he becomes essentially the voice of reason about the vampires and Jason.
I really like Jessica, she’s hilariously fun.
I like Allen’s character a lot actually, the way he’s all no-nonsense straight-up take-it-or-leave-it advice. I feel like the father-figure thing worked well for him.

Some inconsistencies I noticed:
In a lot of scenes when they’re inside the building/clock tower you mention Allen looking around making sure other people can’t overhear them, which I found extremely confusing. Isn’t the reason for staying in the clock tower because it is deserted?

In chapters 8 & 9 you have Jessica suddenly become this very religious sort of person and her and Kyle have these deep discussions about God, etc. I just felt like it was all very random and sudden and completely unexpected. I think you should hint at Jessica’s religiousness earlier on in the book, maybe have a few comments passed back and forth in the earlier chapters between skeptical Kyle and faithful Jessica. I did really like that facet of Jessica’s personality, as it made her more three-dimensional and prevented her from becoming just that crazy character.

In the battle between Darius and Xao in Chapter 13, Darius describing his invention and what it did just didn’t ring true to me. I mean, why would he reveal exactly what his invention could do to his enemy? And there wasn’t really a point in him saying it since the reader could see already that his invention allowed him to fly. I think it would suffice for him to simply say, “You’re not the only one with toys” because that’s enough to clue the reader in to what is going on and how Darius can fly.

In Chapter 13 when the vampire shows up, we are reading from Kyle’s POV and he says “his color was reddish, like a Native American.” This struck me as rather odd, because how does Kyle know what a Native American looks like? He was rather clueless in the beginning about human skin color when they were at the police station looking at pictures of missing kids.
In a similar vein, Kyle then goes on to say that the vampire moved “like an English gentlem[a]n.” How does Kyle know anything at all about the English or gentlemen, etc?

Xao tells Kyle and Jessica that they have “years” before Darius is back on his feet after their battle. And yet, Kyle had showed Allen their amazing medical supplies that could apparently heal someone in scant hours even if they were severely injured and the trickster gods are supposed to be even more advanced than the Pharaohs. So it didn’t really make sense to me.

When they find Thomas, Jessica tickles him to wake him up. However, he’s supposed to be all beat up and bruised, so wouldn’t tickling be painful and/or harmful?

Also, why was Thomas all bruised? Jason is supposed to really care about him since he thinks he’s his long-lost son. I feel like a little scene inserted somewhere from Thomas POV while he’s in Jason’s hold would help clarify. Like maybe a scene where Thomas keeps insisting he isn’t Jeremiah and then Jason, being crazy and irrational, gets so irritated that he shakes Thomas or something, bruising him. And then maybe at the end with the big confrontation, Jason could express some regret about hurting Thomas.

My overall impression of the story was largely positive. If it was just edited and polished up a bit, I could definitely see it in bookstores and I could imagine both younger children and young adults being drawn into the story. I liked the deeper themes behind the story as well, the whole there is no black and white, good vs. evil out there and how the main characters come to a gradual realization of this. The story itself was really quite engrossing and managed to hint at deeper things without ever getting too dark and disturbing, it was a very family-friendly story.

I liked the way it ended with that distinctive ring of humor, it was funny and lighthearted and I could definitely see children and teens reading and enjoying the story.
Well, that’s my review of your book, I hope it was helpful :)

I'm really enjoying the action sequences so far, and you do a good job with the mystery elements. The story is well-paced.

As an aside, you mentioned Darius being the Babylonian king who forced people to bow down to an image in his likeness. You may want to check your facts; I'm pretty sure it was Nebuchadnezzar. Darius was the Medo-Persian ruler who took over Babylon from Belshazzar, Nebuchadnezzar's grandson.

Really funny dialogue at the beginning of chapter 6! Kids would love it.

The Case of Thomas Crain: Lost and Found
David Rempel

An engaging story to which I have returned for another read having looked at it a few months ago.

I love the Prologue which sets the scene very well, just like Thomas I want to find out how he ended up being tied up.

Some writers have criticised the use of multiple first person. This wasn't an issue for me, provided, as in chapter 3, you tell us who the person is. It would be helpful to remind us at the start of each chapter, particularly as I tend to read over a few days and sometimes forget who the first person is.

Your story is fast-paced in general. This is not the easiest book to read as sometimes too much happens! I often had to reread bits!

Highly starred.

In chapter 2 the following sentence is clumsy:
In a sense sure he was about the same age as my boy, at the same time as being well over four times the age of his father.
Why not just say something like - four times my age?

I didn’t understand the following two sentences in chapter 7, again, they are a bit clumsy:

She then asked for yogurt and dumped that between the meat the bun when she got it.

I didn't know what I was looking at to begin with with burgers, but one with a giant pile of pink dairy product added I REALLY didn't know what to do with.

There were several minor editing issues, I’ve listed some of these here:

In the sentence:
The vampires were almost wiped out in the Purge, but they’re powers were still incredible.
"they're" should be "their".

In the paragraph:
If one were to wonder … have candy to, … , “Go ahead … hurt you,”
The “to” should be “too” and the last comma should be a full stop (period).

There is an extra quotation mark in: “Hey Ky... where's your bag?” Jessica asked her protectee.”

Kyle started getting up saying, “nope, I'm good here,” He returned …
“nope” should be “Nope” and the comma should be a full stop.

There are a few other places where a lower case letter needs to be replaced by a capital. “when the Pharaoh's first …” in chapter 2. ‘he shook his head, eyes … ‘ in chapter 3. ‘he took the picture …’ in chapter 3. ‘he handed the picture back …’ in chapter 3.

In chapter 4:
“I guess not.” Jessica replied.
Would be better as:
“I guess not,” Jessica replied.

In chapter 7:
It was good, and I enjoyed the “french fries” that I was given as a side dish to.
Either change “to” to “too” or omit it.

“You have one … you and your on a planet where …”
Here “your” should be “you're”.

Allen pointed at me, but probably at more my clothes, …
“more at” rather than “at more”.

In chapter 9:
“This was a passing fancy to. But that didn't mean
“too” rather than “to”.

I stopped making editing notes after this chapter.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Just finishing chapter 4:
Pros: Your plot is moving along nicely, and you're doing a good job of building suspense. Your characters' voices are also well-defined.
Cons:
1) There seem to be sporadic punctuation issues, often around said-tags. The last sentence of chapter 4, for instance, reads: "'...that map and picture.' I said." rather than, "'...that map and picture," I said."

2) POV: This is really just preference, but the POV shifts, being so numerous, might make it hard for people to connect with each character. HOWEVER, I read your comment below about this being an audio presentation, which would work more easily with different voices for each character, etc. So this is a minor point, really.

This story was fun right from the beginning. From werewolves and vampires, aliens and sword fights to mutants with great powers all that's missing is the kitchen sink. The story is entertaining and moves quickly; I was at the last page before I knew it. Well done!

Torkuda,

I'm finally getting around to leaving some reviews. Sorry it's taking me forever.

Pros: You have a strong narrative voice, the subject material is interesting, your dialogue is fast-paced and moves the story along nicely, and the characters have a strong sense of voice . The overall plot is also intriguing and leaves the reader wanting more.

Cons:
1) I agree with the YARG/CHIRG reviewer: You have data-dumps interspersed throughout the first two chapters which bog down the reader. It may turn some readers (but more importantly agents/editors) off to the story. Remember: show, don't tell. Within the first several chapters, it'd set up a sense of mystery and suspense if you left some of the back story to be revealed little by little. In the same vein, it'd be a tantalizing surprise if Kyle's first display of his powers was when Frank confronted him.

2) You have several grammar mistakes related to commas. For instance, in the second chapter, you wrote: "Jaden, hugged my leg, hiding himself from the cold..." You'd want to take out the first comma. You also had "However the clothes caught less attention than their weapons..." You'd want a comma after "However" to indicate the natural pause. A few paragraphs below that, you also had, "Frank however just shook his head." You'd want a comma on either side of however.

That's all I got so far. More to come later.

-cnlumbat

A good premise for a story and it's an enthusiastic and well-paced romp within a genre I rarely read (I'm in my 50's too). This has a nice twist on the tradition and adds some ideas that haven't been put forward before. I'm not sure about mentioning the Frankenstein character's involvement, but having said that I do see where you're coming from.
It's a story that drags you into it and makes you want to read more. There are a couple of things that could be tweaked to polish it a little...hope you don't mind the suggestions? These are a couple of the things I noticed and haven't picked up on other reviews.
This is nit-picking - please don't think I'm being patronising. This is a good story that just needs a little polish in places. I think the word "chair" is used 5 times in the first paragraph and there was an occasion where perhaps it could have been avoided when mentioning the feet secured to it. It's a tricky thing to do but I'm always being castigated for repeating words in a paragraph and it's a good exercise to try and combat it.
Thomas also appears as Tomas a little further in.
It's just these things that interrupt the flow a little and can be sorted out easily with a loud read-through.
Hope this is of help. I enjoyed the read and know my daughter will love it.

First thoughts on the first two chapters,
It started out slow to me. I like fast paced, high energy action. The prologue kind of confused me at first but I think I'm getting it now. It's interesting how you start a new character by letting them introduce themselves. I've never read a story written that way before.
The second chapter was better for me. Jessica really livened things up with her unusual behavior. I'm still getting my barrens on Kyle. If the story is about him, I should be loving or hating him by now and I don't know enough about him to do either.
I like the age thing. It's different. I'm worried that the story reads like a Young adult novel instead of younger. Even if you were going for Junior fiction, Kyle is to young to play as the progonist. This is only my opinion. If it's modeled after a tv show then write it as a screen play instead. It would make more sense to me in that form.

I will read more when I can. I have time limits also.
Tonya

I've always seen Kyle's age as pretty immaterial, considering he's actually one hundred years old, but you're not the first person to wonder on this point.

With those trying to place the story firmly in the children's or young adult's category, I keep reading that Kyle seems like at least an okay character, but he seems too young for the target demographic, which is at the very least nine or ten. But then, no one seems to notice that Jessica is only in her seventh age, meaning she looks seven, also too young. Is it her personality that makes people not care?

First thoughts on the first two chapters,
It started out slow to me. I like fast paced, high energy action. The prologue kind of confused me at first but I think I'm getting it now. It's interesting how you start a new character by letting them introduce themselves. I've never read a story written that way before.
The second chapter was better for me. Jessica really livened things up with her unusual behavior. I'm still getting my barrens on Kyle. If the story is about him, I should be loving or hating him by now and I don't know enough about him to do either.
I like the age thing. It's different. I'm worried that the story reads like a Young adult novel instead of younger. Even if you were going for Junior fiction, Kyle is to young to play as the progonist. This is only my opinion. If it's modeled after a tv show then write it as a screen play instead. It would make more sense to me in that form.

I will read more when I can. I have time limits also.
Tonya

Hi, I'm here to comment on your first four chapters as discussed. You can, of course, ignore some or all of my suggestions. They are only my thought as I read along. There is not much point in my saying how great and wonderful your book is, you know that already, so I will just plough ahead.

The addition of the Pharaohs was a very good idea. It helped to make it unique and helps the book to stand out from the ordinary vampire story.

Prologue. You have four buts in the first paragraph.

I think you could leave out the word also, as in the sentence.........wherever I was it smelled terrible.....gives the sentence more impact.

Chapter 1. During the great war......comma here.

No....comma here....I was being sent here to get as far from home...

There seems to be a lot of questions ending on just the one word....right?. You seem to use this word frequently.

Chapter 2. It started to rain. Great! Only Frank had thought to bring his coat it being an actual black hooded raincoat.......I think this sentence sounds better this way.....also raincoat is all the one word.

They wore blue jeans and red shirts, each of them....you don't need each of them in the sentence. We know both of them are wearing the same attire so, each of them is redundant. Also as you have the word each used again three times in the paragraph it makes more sense to drop it.

If one were to wonder about it, I suppose it's not too much of a surprise that Pharaohs have candy to.....to is too.

chapter 3. First paragraph....body guard is bodyguard.....all the one word. Came across this again later on.

This planet is breath taking sometimes......breathtaking all the one word.

Kyle. ....We had been driving for quite some time, it striking me over and over.......should be, it struck me....leave out over and over.

Chapter 4. That sounds kinda mean.....full stop here. Capital I for Is that why you were upset earlier.......

I enjoyed reading. Top stars.
Alice:)

It's a well-conceived story. I would say that it's original enough to be commendable for that fact alone. I'm not your target-audience, being that I'm mainly into literary fiction. I don't know that I can offer you any constructive criticism because this isn't a genre I know much about, so I'll simply take this space to recommend the book to other readers. Well-done.

It's a well-conceived story. I would say that it's original enough to be commendable for that fact alone. I'm not your target-audience, being that I'm mainly into literary fiction. I don't know that I can offer you any constructive criticism because this isn't a genre I know much about, so I'll simply take this space to recommend the book to other readers. Well-done.

Very original idea, fun and appealing to all I reckon. I would buy it and I'm 54.

First of all, at 51, I'm not the target for this book, so I need to close my eyes and try to remember what I liked when I was 17 (which is hard, because it was a long time ago) and I do think I would have liked it a lot.
It's very peculiar and "energetic" with no dead moments and always something happening. There is also a certain naiveness which makes the book oddly appealing and turns into charming scenes that might otherwise verge on being ridiculous, but it is all written with such joy and conviction that everything becomes funny and acceptable.
It is also very cinematic. I don't think much adaptation would be needed to turn this into a film. It's almost a movie script.
Anyway, as I said, regardless of its qualities, it's definitely not aimed at 51 year olds, so my appreciation is the result of a decision to review it, I wouldn't usually buy it for me to read.

Hi David,
Wow, I'm impressed with what I've read so far...until the end of Chapter 4. Your characters are outstanding, and the plot is unique with a transforming premise.
What impressed me the most are the dialogue parts and your dynamic style. The Case of Thomas Crain already reads like a bestseller to me. Kudos!
High stars and watch-listed for further comments as I read on,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

You're very good at characterisation. The opening is great, really dragged me in by the hair. I don't think a nine year old kid would say 'expired' in reference to the milk. That was literally the only word that didn't ring believably in my ears. I've read three chapters and have enjoyed them. I think you use too much exposition, you give us an awful lot of information about the history of the werewolves and the vampires and the purge and you repeat the age explanation in chapter two when Allen is awaiting them in the field. I think with these kinds of stories you need to take your time with the info. Its more intriguing and gives an opportunity for some slow reveals as the story unfolds. I guess my only real note then is Less is More. It needs some editing. That aside I do like it very much, or I wouldn't be backing you. Its imaginative, creative and you've done something more ambitious and fun with a saturated genre. Jessica's a great character and the writing has a lot of energy. Good luck with it.

The idea of the story is intriguing. I think introducing “pharaohs” and aliens into the vampire/ werewolf world is cool. I also love that it’s family friendly. I think there should be more of that out there. That alone earned you high stars from me. Jessica was probably my favorite character. It’s obvious you’ve already invested a lot of time in your story.
I agree with some of the other comments (like from L.Pope), so ditto to those. My suggestions; The plot moved too slowly for me; I would say work the paranormal aspects of the story even more. Those could be the most exciting elements of the book & I’d like to see them more often. Also, a few of the characters’ voices felt very similar. Defining your characters even more might fix that.
Thanks for sharing!

MiriamNConde
The Immortality Experiment

Hello, I got around to reading this. I think we might have done a read swap or something O.o

Anyway, you were next up on my wishlist go I gave your story a readthrough.

Firstly, books like this arent really my thing, but I gave it a go anyway. Mainly because the concept sounded very interesting. Your long pitch was a little hard to read though, I suggest reading it outloud to get rid of any awkward pauses. You also may want to break it up into paragraphs seperated by a line. It would make it a little easier to read and attract more readers.

Now for you actual story. The prologue was excellent. It really drew me in. But throughout the first chapter I found my self constantly getting confused and interrupted by grammer mistakes and some awkward language. Again, read it outloud, it really helps me, maybe it will help you.

There was also alot of information I found being repeated alot, the back story and some background information. This may have a better place in either the first chapter, or being scattered throughout the rest of the chapters, but not repeated.

I found myself struggling through the first chapter for the reasons stated above.

But once I got into it, and started ignoring the mistakes I found myself getting into it. You manage to create a good balance between all the different elements of the story.

I agree with you though, that this might be done well as an audio book. Take out a few of the describing details and focusing on the audio might be a good move.

Anyways, this is great, just needs a good editing (who doesnt need that? XD), good job on making me interested in a story that I probably would not normally pick up at my bookstore.

Good Luck!

L.

Very entertaining, with the added 'hook' of a boy tied up, who is not who he thinks he is. Good starts are a must! I think this will go far!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

David, being one of the old school, I'm easily distracted by poor grammar and poorly constructed sentences, so I was about to attack this story with the dreaded red pen when I notice that this criticism has already been voice before. So I cut away from the problem and concentrated on the story itself - and I have to say, what a joy! The whole concept is beautifully imaginative, and though I've only got to chapter 10 so far, I'm addicted. With a bit of help with the construction - some tightening up of the dialogue, maybe re-siting some bits of the story, moving some chapters around - you'll have a great success on your hands. Great work, I love it ...

Sláinte

Brendan
Once on a Cold and Grey September

I think this needs to be said and I'm not sure what to do with it. This story is NOT and was never really intended to be a straight up children's OR adult novel. It's modeled after the old family shows that I grew up with as a kid. It has a bright cheerful story and setting that kids can enjoy, and has elements that older people can also enjoy. Some elements may to go over kids heads and are there for older members of the audience. This is another reason why I'm seriously considering an audio presentation, since save for parents reading to their children, I'm not sure this works in book format.

Chirg
I can see your book is aimed at older children than mine is but you have the right mixture of Pharoahs werewolves and aliens to keep teenagers hooked in this story. There are a few errors (but hey who hasn't here)nothing an edit can't fix. I think you'll do well with this. Good luck. High stars from me.
Brian.

David, so far I have read only the first two chapters. Definitely compelling. I felt a bit uneasy at the beginning, but as the story began to unfold, that went away quickly. I will continue reading for sure! Be careful with some of your sentence structure, a bit awkward in places. That can be fixed however by a good editor. The hard part, actually writing the book, is finished!! Good job!

Bill Harmening
"The Misadventures of Salem Jack & Finnigan Reeves"

The Case of Thomas Crain- What caught me about this story was the thought of interstellar travel, alternate beings, Pharohs, Vampires and definitely questions, despite the build of characters. It is built nicely, where even though you're setting the stage and introducing your characters, you're building the intrigue wiht bits of back story and interest. Well done.
CADreilling The Line- Beginnings

The Case of Thomas Crain

David,
Back after a long hiatus to comment on chapter 3. I really like Jessica's energy. As before, I'm a bit confused about the free reign given to the kids (if they really are considered kids on their planet, then it shouldn't matter what their 'earth year' ages are), but I'll overlook that and just comment on other aspects of the story.

This might just be me, but I found the section titles when switching view points a bit overdone. We should be able to get the setting from context, and I have to question having so many segments of adult POV in a kids book. I'm no expert, but your audience might find it hard to relate to those narrators, and you may lose them.

Jess is by far my favorite character, though she doesn't come across as crazy to me, just a high energy, go-get-em kind of girl.

I really don't have any further suggestions. Best of luck.
Kate

I've read the first few chapters and enjoyed your book. I agree with many of the previous comments, including the ones on grammar and so there is no point me detailing any. Good luck.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

There is no doubt that your story is good.
A lot happening and thats makes the story interesting. A well mixtureof science fiction, fantasy, old fashioned vampire and lots of actions that should attract wider circle of readers to it.

The story involves lots of charrecters, adults, children and phroah, with lots good dialogues.

I enjoyed your character development. Showing not only their personality but in their description....good stuff... helps draw the reader in and hook them, because it makes them people we can relate to...good job....

I've put this on my watchlist because I love the premise. Don't have time to read now, but will get back to you.