Derilium

wow, you have something powerful here.

high stars

John,
You have something very special here, a truly superb graphic adult horror. Not a YA Horror, but an Adult horror.
I loved the way the story weaved the into the horrific climax.
Well done, I am going to buy this from Amazon today and it will stay on my shelf until it reaches the editors desk.
Bloody brilliant... xxx Clara

Derilium
John Stearn

I read the first five chapters you posted and I'm very impressed. The prologue is excellent, secret ingredients indeed! Chapter 2/1 is very good as well as being very gruesome. And so it continued. You give us a rollover coaster ride, fast paced and full of intrigue.

One thing I was a bit unsure about was your many one sentence paragraphs. They were good to keep the action going fast but I think a few could be joined to make some slightly longer paragraphs (I don't like long paragraphs).

Highly starred.

The editing was very good, just a few nitpicks.

Chapter 1/prologue

- “Look behind you,” Billy replied, staring past Malcolm and he raised his left eyebrow.
Do you mean as rather than and.

- The crowed became silent once the chained ...
Crowd

Chapter 3/2

- Josephs mum gasped and covered mouth with her hand ...
should be
- Joseph's mum gasped and covered her mouth with her hand ...

... his heart rate also returned to normal,” The doctor put ...
Full stop not comma after normal.

- The hanging tree will feed on the blood soaked ground, of this fucking town.
No comma needed.

Chapter 4/3

- He shut the off engine and removed his seatbelt.
Shut off?

- The soldier had stopped eating completely by the end of the second week”.
Transpose the full stop and quotation mark.

- “Even though the incident ... (49 words) ... we require,” Brooks explained.
Personally I think long speech such as this shouldn't have who said it at the end. I would prefer the beginning or somewhere near the start! IMO.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Derilium.

I'm not a lover of prologues and I usually cringe when I see them, even in published books. More often than not, the prologue is never relevant to the story. Anyway, I did read your prologue because I did say I would read some of your chapters and the prologue is obviously important to you too.
I must admit, I quite liked the prologue. As I read some paragraphs I realised it would be relevant to the story. Your prologue was filling us in on the backstory of the happenings in the Bishop family.

Secret ingredient will never sound the same to me again. Actually, I never want to hear those words again after reading the prologue.
Bryan and Jane had a very lucky escape considering how they could have ended up.

Bryan spat when he shouted, his face screwed up in anger. The crowed became silent........crowed is crowd.

Some sentences tend to be long and some words unnessary....such as in chapter two.....Stephen took a smaller bite out of his.....is out of his really necessary.? Obviously it is his if he is eating it and we know it is a burger.

Lying on the grass he wiped away the tears in his eyes.....again is in his eyes required? Also it would be nice to imagine the tears falling down his face with the laughter.

Sometimes it is okay not to describe something. Sometimes it is even better not to. At the beginning of chapter two you have.....small store, hot sun, blue sky, huge back garden....small store is fine but hot sun.......is there such a thing as a cold sun? What other colour would the sky be? And, huge garden? We assume it is plenty big if there is going to be a BBQ held there........I hope you can see what I am getting at. I am not picking at your book.

A couple of paragraphs further down you have hot sun again and blue summer sky. A reader will not necessarily like all this information. We get it that the sun will be hot and the sky will be blue if it's summertime and they are all outside having a BBQ.

Stephen saw a blurred movement and the he felt an excruciating pain when the stone hit him point first.......the first the should be then.

You have painted a vivid picture of Joseph...well done.

Conrad shook his head, turned and walked out of the room, slamming the door hard and a picture fell of the wall.....should of be off?

Really keen to read on. You have good writing ability and a way of sucking the reader in to the story.

Top stars,
Alice.

I have read the first seven chapters and although I noticed a couple of misused words my main thought was that you use your characters names a lot, especially in the prologue. I wonder if that is necessary. I like the idea of the story, the military aspect and hope that as I read on, we will learn a little more about the period between being diagnosed and Jo being in his fifties. Not a story to read at lunchtime so I will stop now and come back to it later. For now though, it certainly in an interesting story.

Chilling. A horror story on the level of Rob Wright or Clive Barker. Frightening without being overly gory. I loved the family secret ingredient and dynasty with the promise of revenge and retribution. Also the military aspect is brilliant. Entertaining and well written, this genre is a natural fit. One small typo error at the beginning of Chapter 2, Joseph was sat.

High Stars

Kathy
The Final Beginning

Derilium is such a brutal read, i feel exhausted after the intense set pieces and i am off to check if all my limbs are still attached.
Bloody superb, at last a proper gory adult horror.

I hadn't expected to enjoy this as much as I did, not being a huge fan of the zombie apocalypse, but I was drawn in from the first few words and couldn't put it down. It's very creepy, quite nauseating in places and deserving of the Ultra Violent tag - which isn't gratuitous but well presented.

I'm a big fan of horror books that actually push the envelope. Not so much the Twilight kind of light-horror-teen-angst that we get so much of today.

Derilium is aptly named, as the level of violence and gore could induce that feeling in unprepared readers. I thought I was ready, but have to admit that author John Stearn caught me off-guard.

I think what is most disturbing and thus wonderful about Derilium is the fact that the violence isn't mindless. It's quite sophisticated actually, with a rich backstory and enough plot twists so you don’t know exactly where the tale is going to take you. In fact, as zombie books go, this one does a masterful job of showing the hows and whys of what happened, more so than World War Z actually, and that is saying a lot.

There is for sure a market for Derilium. I think what might happen once it gets published is that sales would likely be small at first because it would be difficult to market it as a smart piece of horror-fiction. Many would be scared away. But then word-of-mouth would carry the day, and I would expect it to see brisk sales and good reviews after that. In short, I think a publisher should snap up Derilium as there is nothing quite like it out there today, and I believe it's destined for success.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

You have a sick mind. The opening story alone caught me by surprise. The human pies, the frantic slaughters both by and of the Bishop family . . . I like traumatic stories, but I have to say I was caught off guard here.

So the curse is cast and generations later, experiments on creating the living dead are beginning. Yeah, I can see how this can turn into a zombie apocalypse.

I sympathize with Joseph’s killings. I loved his revenge against Jerry for his family. His following slayings of rapists and junkies is wild, though sweet revenge for the victims, and sparing more victims trauma worse than death.

His song as a child when he hurt his brother, however, was creepy. “ Roses are red, violets are blue, you eat my food, and I eat you!” I laughed. Dark laughing. I’m up to chapter thirteen now and still reading. I’ll review more soon.

Derilium by John Stearn

Hi John, Whew! I feel like I just ran through a war zone and had to check to make sure I still had all my body parts. What a fast paced & gory book you've written! Your prologue was gripping. At first, I wondered if we'd lost all of the butchering Bishop family right off the bat but then Billy's son trumped the town's angry mob by invoking the curse. A curse will definitely keep me reading!

Your book's description describes it as graphic and written in a cinematic style and I, certainly, agree. I do think it could use another edit to smooth out some rough spots and fix a few missing or sometimes extra words. I jotted down a few, but not all. I hope that I'm able to say something in the review that you'll find useful but please feel free to ignore anything that you don't agree with.

A few notes on writing:
Your descriptions are vivid and so detailed it was easy to visualize the story... the people, the gore, the surroundings, I could see it all.
Some sentences were incomplete and, instead, of a period should have been a comma and continued on to the following sentence.
A few times, the dialogue was separated into a para of it's own but should be included with the para before it.
Also, the dialogue needs a little more work in areas to make it sound more natural.
Last, I believe you might reach a wider range of readers if you limit the profanity, in particular, the "F" word. I, also, thought some of the sexual references, could have been a little tamer, but that's personal preference and I understand, in no way, is this story intended to be tame.

From start to finish:
Prologue: Shocking and riveting. A few punctuation & small words issues (span = spun) but, for the most part, you nailed it. For the sentence beginning with Until, that should be a continuation of the sentence ahead of it. If you put "until" in italics, it will add emphasis to the word.
Chapt 1; stood "at" attention and saluted ("at" instead of "to")
para starting, Townsend was a little taken back ... etc. (go to next to last sentence in that para) ..But he surmised .. etc ..five million a year funding, (<--comma instead of period) he would be obliged
there's a lot of info this chapter for the reader to process. I didn't remember much about the weapon but came back later & it helped me to understand more when Joseph took out the block where his apartment was. Maybe refreshing the reader with a small bit of this info in Chapt 18 when Brooks was talking on the phone to Townsend would benefit the reader ... just a thought
Chapt 2; 2nd sentence .. should be comma after .. Ambleton, but it was doing little etc..
later ... They were all returning to England to help run the family business ..etc (no comma after England)
Looks like Joseph may have some issues .. nice job making the reader feel this kid's evil nature
Chapt 4; para, Josephs mum gasped and covered "her" mouth .. ("Joseph's" & missing word "her")
9th para from bottom .. Joseph scowled and tried to say ... Whatever is ("it's") called.

Chapt 6; After closing up the store on the night of the accident ... then he "and" helped in the search. (extra word)
His gorgeous wife, his soul mate was gently put in to = into (another in to = into earlier chapter but sorry, didn't write it down)
para During the trial it had emerged ... he was caught by and = an officer
Isn't Jerry hanging upside down? If so the blood should be running down instead of up? It would be running down if he were standing on his feet so still down since he's upside down. (gravity says down) regardless---some pretty gruesome stuff
Chapt 7; twenty storey =story building
2rd para from bottom ... Her shopping bags were on the floor "on" either side (missing word)
If he impaled the body, could it swing?
Chapt 9; Wouldn't the police yell, "Police" or something when they smashed in the door? Pretty sure they do on TV
para, The back door crashed onto ... last sentence, overflowed long "the" ago (extra word)
Joseph's intent on killing the bad guys but the killing doesn't feel like it's about the curse .. are these bad guys connected to the curse?

Chapt 10; It felt too out of the blue when David yelled at the reporter, Joshua, for taking the pictures of Joseph's dead wife & children. It might seem more natural if you make the reader aware (through a thought or the narrative) of David's reason for his contempt of the reporter when he first sees him.
Chapt 13, I didn't see that coming with David & his dad. David was the only good guy to root for, quite a loss here.
Chapt 15; Lots of paras starting with Jane
sentence, The cut on the side of her face (Unless I missed it, a cut has not been established) Maybe .. A cut on the side of her face
POV change so break marks needed (maybe ///// or *****) between para, Before he left the basment.. etc ... & next one, Captain Townsend ...
hard to believe Joseph would wait 4 hours to try to rescue Jane & would Townsend stay in his car when he saw Joseph picking Monk's door lock
Where did he go? (you can use italics for thoughts)
I think Townsend would have called out "Hello" or Dr. Monk's name when he went into the house
several sentences starting with Townsend's name
Chapt 18; para; Stephen you need to get out of Ambleton ... Brooks paused and a male screamed and growl could be (?)

Chapt 19; para, The zombie moved towards the girls and Bethany ... and they both fell in a heap on the "floor" (ground)
para, Its eyes locked onto the direction .. etc .. It "titled" its head (tilted) missing word later same para (round hit wall)
Chapt 20; For me, the two 9 year old girls profanity doesn't fit; maybe when they first killed the zombie; (I think later in the book it makes it harder to like them)
that pitter patter is creepy .. nice!
Chapt 21; total surprise to see Joseph die this way
Chapt 24; some of the dialogue sounds stiff .. She is different, Beth. Carla moves and acts with a sort of intelligence, that we have not seen before. (doesn't sound natural to me, for 9 year olds (maybe changing some words to possessive forms would help the flow) .. She's different ... we've never seen that before ..
I like the POV from the zombie perspective .. some unusual & entertaining zombies!

Chapt 25; Darn .. I was rooting for that little bird to get away but it gave quite a visual when Henry ate it
Chapt 27; next to last para ...Joshua smiles because "he" missing word
Chapt 28; As Mark's shattered and bloody corpse fell to the floor (ground)
Chapt 34; the girls mention everything they've seen over the past two weeks but in an earlier chapter Joshua mentions it's been a month
Chapt 36; last para .. side of the bad (bed)

I got a little confused on the last two chapters. Maybe it's just me but I had to go back to Chapter 36 to understand that Beth was dreaming. The first time I saw rocking bed, I thought it was the bed of a truck. Once I got the rocking bed right, then the rest fit. I'm not sure if that needs to be clearer, or like I said, maybe it was just me.

Definitely, not for the squeamish! As you said in your book's description, this isn't a book you soon forget.

Posted on the Week of Horror thread
https://authonomy.com/forums/threads/109234/week-of-horror/?pagenumber=7#AnchorComment

Jane

Hi John,

I have read the prologue, and like think that you have a lot of potential here. The ideas and characters worked well, as did the dialogue.

There was a few puncuation and grammatical mistakes, although this can be fixed with a quick edit. The structure also threw me a little bit. There are places where you mention the speaker, then move to a new line for them to say something. You do not have to change, unless there is a new speaker, and i generally try to keep the speakers actions, with their dialogue.

Otherwise a very good idea, and a lot of potential.

All the best,

Dexter
(Nuclear Children)

Hi, John;

I've read the prologue and the first two chapters and can say this is the most horrorific story I have read here so far! The story is compelling, making you want to read more. The imagery you use is very effective, making it easy to visualise each setting and characters. There are some grammatical and punctuation errors, but they're nothing a good edit can't fix. Well done. High stars.

David

Fantastic opening two chapters. I like the dialogue, very believable. This is going on my shelf immediately. Just one thing...if they were standing under the spinning blades of a helicopter, it was a bloody long conversation. what i mean is, if they had to shout over the spinning blades, wouldn't is have been more realistic if they'd had the conversation before the blades were switched on. Only a minor crit, but in my head I just kept saying, 'move away from the blades if your having a conversation'. Ha Ha.
Your voice is very strong and this has the air of a movie about it. I genuinely felt like I was watching the opening scene in a Bruce Willis/ Stallone type action movie.
Very enjoyable. High Stars.
Fancy giving mine a read?
mark01684/ Randall Crane and the Vampire of Whitechapel.

Hello John,
This is the firs book i have read on this site and it is awsome.
The way you write absorbs the reader into the intense and graphic story.
I have backed and given it full stars.
Good luck with this
Jackie Shaw

This is an excellent portrait of the macabre. The story is compelling and keeps the reader interested. There are a few little things like the word 'span' instead of 'spun'. I was interested to learn from Andrew's comments that this is a self published book. Is there a kindle version. I would like to download it and read it completely. Once again well done - I have put you on my watchlist.

Regards

Leon

Hi Andrew,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on Derilium, admittedly the prologue jumps a little from one period to another in a paragraph, the comment 'little fuck' i have left in just becasue the person swearing was angry and the fact Jane Collins has a different surname is deliberate to suggest Bryan Hanford had an affair with Mrs Collins. The fact Malcolm smiles is becauce he is welcoming death after watching his family die.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read and comment, i am very grateful for any feedback.
Cheers,
John

Derilium is a gruesome tale reminiscent of the dark secrets of Solent Green and Sweeney Todd. A Clockwork Orange is immediately invoked with the use of 'Ultra Violent' in the Long Pitch. The plot is eerie from the start with the mention of 'secret ingredients' in the pies. I'm not sure where the Bishops got all the cadavers that fed a small town for more than ten years. The use of the word 'fuck' in the mid 1800s is acceptable, but I'm not sure on the late 20th century usage of the of term 'you little fuck'. The omnipresent narrator stating that Billy is a 'fucking liability' also doesn't seem right. For me, within the Prologue, the time setting is confusing. The story commences in flash back, over 170 years prior in England and then moves forward to the family emigration to North America. The Bishop brothers and Collins run a joint business from 1849, the store location becomes Bluff Cove in 1900, then the 21st century is mentioned? And then in 1858, the little girl witnesses the crime. The lynching and 'execution' of the women and children does feel like mid 19th century justice. The story at the top level is compelling, with echoes of slasher movies (Texas Chainsaw Massacre perhaps?) and good description of gross violence. There are some technical inconsistencies such as blood splattering an apron after a leg is clevered from a cadaver. This doesn't affect the story. Also, Bryan Hanford was looking for his daughter - Jane Collins? Apologies if the authonomy version is an unedited version of the published version. I think it is unlikely Malcolm would have smiled from the warmth of the sun on his face as he was hurtled off a cliff with a hangman's noose around his neck . John, I'm sure there will be many fans of your dramatic self published novel and I wish you much success. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

Derilium is a gruesome tale reminiscent of the dark secrets of Solent Green and Sweeney Todd. A Clockwork Orange is immediately invoked with the use of 'Ultra Violent' in the Long Pitch. The plot is eerie from the start with the mention of 'secret ingredients' in the pies. I'm not sure where the Bishops got all the cadavers that fed a small town for more than ten years. The use of the word 'fuck' in the mid 1800s is acceptable, but I'm not sure on the late 20th century usage of the of term 'you little fuck'. The omnipresent narrator stating that Billy is a 'fucking liability' also doesn't seem right. For me, within the Prologue, the time setting is confusing. The story commences in flash back, over 170 years prior in England and then moves forward to the family emigration to North America. The Bishop brothers and Collins run a joint business from 1849, the store location becomes Bluff Cove in 1900, then the 21st century is mentioned? And then in 1858, the little girl witnesses the crime. The lynching and 'execution' of the women and children does feel like mid 19th century justice. The story at the top level is compelling, with echoes of slasher movies (Texas Chainsaw Massacre perhaps?) and good description of gross violence. There are some technical inconsistencies such as blood splattering an apron after a leg is clevered from a cadaver. This doesn't affect the story. Also, Bryan Hanford was looking for his daughter - Jane Collins? Apologies if the authonomy version is an unedited version of the published version. I think it is unlikely Malcolm would have smiled from the warmth of the sun on his face as he was hurtled off a cliff with a hangman's noose around his neck . John, I'm sure there will be many fans of your dramatic self published novel and I wish you much success. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

I enjoyed this book very much and have backed it.
Good luck!!
From
Nancy

I agree with the other comments. This is exciting stuff. I thought it was a TV series that yo had nicked and turned into a book. Obviously not. what a knack of holding the reader you have. The horror is mentally good. Its not every day you read something like this. well done for this book and you need to push it to the top now. Good luck for the future.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R). Please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Gruesome, like the classic horror tales of old. This is even worse then my horror book. It will be published. High stars and good lick. Let us know when it is published.

Why has this not been snapped up by a publisher already, it is absolutely fantastic.
This is so dark and descriptive, seen from the victims and killers perspective.
John Stearn also takes you into the mind of the zombies.
The use of swear words and the conversations from the two girls made me giggle and you could feel the stickyness of the blood, brilliant.
I am off to Amazon to purchase his self produced version, full stars and backed!!!!!

Lovely, gruesome tale. I will be putting this on my watch list. Highest of stars!!

John,
This is so dark and wonderful.

Oh my God!!!
This is bloody fnatastic, a dark and grusome piece of work.
This will remain on my shelf for a long time.
I am off to amazon to download a copy onto my Kindle.

From
Derek

Hello John,
The only way to describe this amazing story is AWSOME!!!!!
Full stars and it will stay on my book shelf forever!!

From,
Anna

I've read the prologue and the first chapter and..well..wow...The bishops were sick f*cks and the whole experimentation thing is awesome. I love the way you are writing this. I agree simple typo/grammar type errors but great story.

Chasity
Fading Reality

Wow, John, I wasn't expecting this! Brilliantly brutal. The graphic descriptions are a little stomach churning, but this goes to prove you can write well. You have a knack for this genre. You've managed to inject some great descriptions in the darkness of this book. Very well thought up and vividly portrayed.

The believable dialogue and good characters (while they lasted!) is done well and the pacing is just right. I think this could benefit from a good edit. I noticed quite a lot of grammar/punctuation errors, but nothing major; a clean up would just make it flow that little bit better.

No other critisisms whatsoever. I really enjoyed this and am definitely going to read more. Highly starred for now and I wish you all the best with this. Well done.

Wonderfully creepy.

Miles A. Robinson
Song for My Father

Hi
Glad you liked what you have read so far.
Thank you for pointing out the d missed from bounced and the word in.
I have added them both.
Hope you enjoy the rest when you get the chance to read more.
Thanks again,
John

I bloody love this! To be fair though, you had me at -gratuitous violence and explicit language.
I've only read the proilogue so far, but wanted to leave a comment straight away- i am going to read some more tonight though.
I read the first part which was gross btw, i loved or should i say hated your characters- evil springs to mind- always the sign of a good writer when you can entice such strong emotions. I read it twice, the first time, i noticed the odd word here and there that needed editing but nothing major, then when i went back through it more finely i noticed quite a few bits. Obviously none of them take away from your story or your writing as i would have noticed them first time round, but i thought it would be helpful to point them out to you all the same.

You have a lot of 'have not' 'is not' etc's but they dont really fit in with the dirty slang language of your characters, so i would suggest abreviating more.

There were quite a few full stops/apostrophies missing at the end of speech and before names.

we are (in) enough trouble - missing word

knocked unconscious (i would add on the end- again- as he has only just woken up from the previous knock out)

The back of his skull bounce(d)

The knot was pushed against his neck(,) and his throat tihgtened(remove apostrophie) as the rope squeezed

cattle bugaring(,) morons (that made me snicker! i know mature right)

And broke apart (not break)

A great start so far, im off to read more now!
high stars and if it carries on like this, a place on my shelf.

Claire C Riley
Limerence

I bloody love this! To be fair though, you had me at -gratuitous violence and explicit language.
I've only read the proilogue so far, but wanted to leave a comment straight away- i am going to read some more tonight though.
I read the first part which was gross btw, i loved or should i say hated your characters- evil springs to mind- always the sign of a good writer when you can entice such strong emotions. I read it twice, the first time, i noticed the odd word here and there that needed editing but nothing major, then when i went back through it more finely i noticed quite a few bits. Obviously none of them take away from your story or your writing as i would have noticed them first time round, but i thought it would be helpful to point them out to you all the same.

You have a lot of 'have not' 'is not' etc's but they dont really fit in with the dirty slang language of your characters, so i would suggest abreviating more.

There were quite a few full stops/apostrophies missing at the end of speech and before names.

we are (in) enough trouble - missing word

knocked unconscious (i would add on the end- again- as he has only just woken up from the previous knock out)

The back of his skull bounce(d)

The knot was pushed against his neck(,) and his throat tihgtened(remove apostrophie) as the rope squeezed

cattle bugaring(,) morons (that made me snicker! i know mature right)

And broke apart (not break)

A great start so far, im off to read more now!
high stars and if it carries on like this, a place on my shelf.

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Hi,
Thank you for you positive coments.
I am pleased you like have liked the chapters you have read so far.
Thanks
John

Hi John,
I just finished reading Chapter 5 and 6. It's awesome, you rock! I get this 'I'm watching a movie' feeling with your visual descriptions and crisp dialogue.

You've managed to add depth to Joseph and his family (Anna and Marie), and at the same time you introduced his inner thoughts to us.

Carl and Simon are two gross creatures and you've painted them well. (Actually there are plenty of nice guys out there who share the same kind of mind-set when they see a naked blonde) so it's natural and easy to get turned on, looking at pornographic magazines. The last scene was dynamic and action is all over the place.

Six stars remain and look forward to reading more,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

I must say, you have a great novel here. I really admire the way you write. It literally feels like I'm actually watching a movie in my head. I also sort of feel like I can connect with the characters. I really love it! Hope it gets published soon!

Cheers!

Hi John,
I just finished reading Chapter 5 and 6. It's awesome, you rock! I get this 'I'm watching a movie' feeling with your visual descriptions and crisp dialogue.

You've managed to add depth to Joseph and his family (Anna and Marie), and at the same time you introduced his inner thoughts to us.

Carl and Simon are two gross creatures and you've painted them well. (Actually there are plenty of nice guys out there who share the same kind of mind-set when they see a naked blonde) so it's natural and easy to get turned on, looking at pornographic magazines. The last scene was dynamic and action is all over the place.

Six stars remain and look forward to reading more,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

This book is everything promised in its pitch: powerfully, graphically violent. The prologue effectively sets the tone for what is to come. The early chapters continue the jolting violence.

This is not a book for everyone, but for fans of the macabre and horrific, Derilium delivers.

Hi John,
I read the 3rd and the 4th of Chapter of Derilium, and I was impressed with the difference of content. You made me feel like watching a feature-length film. A scene with kids, then the next with adults. It was visual....

I enjoyed reading your descriptions as always, and you certainly have literary freedom and authenticity when it comes to explaining a situation.

In chapter 3,
Energy flowed through his little body, like a sugar rush (in my opinion, either stop the sentence here, or add something else than sugary sweet to refrain from repeating the same word).

In Chapter 4, my jaw dropped. Gemma's inclusion to the story was timely and definitely added a +18 adult stuff. Adam's reaction to Gemma's femininity (along with the intercourse scene) was a good one, and thanks for sharing such a dynamic plot. You got me.

6 stars remain and look forward to reading more,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Wow. I went to read this and it is so full on!
Way too much for me but for those who love this genre I think you are on a winner.
Can't read any more. Paying my mortgage is scarey enough for me. lol
Love the book cover too. Soooooo stands out from the rest it's fantastic!
Violet x

Hi John,
I'm continuing my read from where I was, from the 2nd chapter.

I think you're great at writing dialogue for your characters, as I like the conversation between Major Brooks and Captain Townsend...it sets the tone of the chapter.

My only advice would be to be more careful with commas and periods, which can be fixed very easily when you take care of your final edit.

"I suppose it does makes sense," Brooks nodded. "But he can not take longer than another seven days. The general is riding my ass, demanding results."

"Yes, he does understand, sir."

Besides that, I love your descriptions and the story is easy to follow.

I look forward to reading more,
Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Hi John,
I just read the first chapter of DELIRIUM today, and all I can say is you have an authentic style of your own...remote from pretentiousness.

I liked the way you provided some back-story at the beginning and I got hooked in immediately after you injected the Collins and Bishop family intro.

The balance of dialogue and description is obviously structured on a logarithmic scale...I admired your sense of literary manifesto.

(1st chapter) "Fucking Hell" -maybe you need a comma or an exclamation mark here, please check.

It's seems like a great story is about to unfold, and your writing certainly delivers.

6/6 stars from me and I look forward to reading more.

Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins - Ten Deep Footprints

Hi Elizabeth
Thank you for the great comments.
I agree with you about the commas, i have spent the last two days getting rid of the ones not required.
Chapter one has been split in two and it ends with Townsend dialing Dr Monks number.
Chapter three is now chapter four and chapter three is Monk in his lab.
Thank you Again
John Stearn

This review is for: John Stearn's Derilium
Date: 09.25.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1 (Chapter 28)
Short & Long Pitch – I love the short pitch, kind of humorous with an intriguing punch. I adored the long pitch just as much. "Warning!! This book contains acts of gratuitous violence and explicit language" This is just a sign telling those who love gore to come get this book. Love it.

Notes for Short and Long Pitch – None to note.

Chapter 28: This chapter was well done and packed with plenty of violence and gore for any avid horror reader. The girls gave a slight bit of humor to it as well. You have a very good story on your hands. Well done.

Notes for Chapter 28:
One issue I found was that these girls are only nine years old and cussing like they are sixteen.
There's a few commas I think that do not belong, but that's not too big of a problem.

6/6 stars. Watch listed.

~ Elizabeth.
Like Father, Like Daughter
Alice

Hi Elizabeth
Thank you for the great comments.
I agree with you about the commas, i have spent the last two days getting rid of the ones not required.
Chapter one has been split in two and it ends with Townsend dialing Dr Monks number.
Chapter three is now chapter four and chapter three is Monk in his lab.
Thank you Again
John Stearn

This review is for: John Stearn's Derilium
Date: 09.25.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1 (Chapter 28)
Short & Long Pitch – I love the short pitch, kind of humorous with an intriguing punch. I adored the long pitch just as much. "Warning!! This book contains acts of gratuitous violence and explicit language" This is just a sign telling those who love gore to come get this book. Love it.

Notes for Short and Long Pitch – None to note.

Chapter 28: This chapter was well done and packed with plenty of violence and gore for any avid horror reader. The girls gave a slight bit of humor to it as well. You have a very good story on your hands. Well done.

Notes for Chapter 28:
One issue I found was that these girls are only nine years old and cussing like they are sixteen.
There's a few commas I think that do not belong, but that's not too big of a problem.

6/6 stars. Watch listed.

~ Elizabeth.
Like Father, Like Daughter
Alice

Hi Elizabeth
Thank you for the great comments.
I agree with you about the commas, i have spent the last two days getting rid of the ones not required.
Chapter one has been split in two and it ends with Townsend dialing Dr Monks number.
Chapter three is now chapter four and chapter three is Monk in his lab.
Thank you Again
John Stearn

This review is for: John Stearn's Derilium
Date: 09.25.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1 (Chapter 28)
Short & Long Pitch – I love the short pitch, kind of humorous with an intriguing punch. I adored the long pitch just as much. "Warning!! This book contains acts of gratuitous violence and explicit language" This is just a sign telling those who love gore to come get this book. Love it.

Notes for Short and Long Pitch – None to note.

Chapter 28: This chapter was well done and packed with plenty of violence and gore for any avid horror reader. The girls gave a slight bit of humor to it as well. You have a very good story on your hands. Well done.

Notes for Chapter 28:
One issue I found was that these girls are only nine years old and cussing like they are sixteen.
There's a few commas I think that do not belong, but that's not too big of a problem.

6/6 stars. Watch listed.

~ Elizabeth.
Like Father, Like Daughter
Alice

This review is for: John Stearn's Derilium
Date: 09.25.2012
Review By: Elizabeth Raine
Chapters: 1 (Chapter 28)
Short & Long Pitch – I love the short pitch, kind of humorous with an intriguing punch. I adored the long pitch just as much. "Warning!! This book contains acts of gratuitous violence and explicit language" This is just a sign telling those who love gore to come get this book. Love it.

Notes for Short and Long Pitch – None to note.

Chapter 28: This chapter was well done and packed with plenty of violence and gore for any avid horror reader. The girls gave a slight bit of humor to it as well. You have a very good story on your hands. Well done.

Notes for Chapter 28:
One issue I found was that these girls are only nine years old and cussing like they are sixteen.
There's a few commas I think that do not belong, but that's not too big of a problem.

6/6 stars. Watch listed.

~ Elizabeth.
Like Father, Like Daughter
Alice

This story does start out with excitement. Cannibals right in the little town turning everyone else into cannibals. All very interesting. The writing is good, I didn't see errors. But the story does have some plausibility problems. First, why is there a three year old walking around aimlessly at night, by herself? How would a parent let her get away. And, when Bryan her father arrives he isn't calling out her name as he is looking for her. I would be desparately looking for my three year old. Then they come out of the back of the butcher shop where they know they have dead people and no one closes the door. C'mon, they have been doing this for centuries they should be more circumspect. And butcher shops don't sell pies or food, usually, and especially in that day and age, the bakery would have done that. Then the families are naked and shaved, crying and trembling, I guess because they fear what will happen to them and then all of a sudden, they jump off a cliff. What happened to them being afraid. There is a transition problem when you skip from his head being used to open doors to being thrown in the back of a wagon. The beginning paragraphs is kind of confusing with all the moving, maybe you can read that out loud and it will help. Such as you have a "university" town that you say is filled with farms.

"Taught" s/b/ "taut" and it should be "lynch mob's rope" you forgot the apostrophe.

Good start.

Abby

A perfect pitch. This will have the target audience more than curious.

An exciting opening chapter. It feels like a very early draft. You almost sense the 'Derilum' in your writing.

I do feel that you now need to go back and give it a good, hard edit. Right off, using 'obviously' is odd. Why was it obvious?

I guessed we were talking human flesh as soon as butchers and bakers were mentioned. I would have liked a little more mystery early on. Was slightly disappointed that the setting was America - the UK setting I was expecting would have been an unusual twist.

There were quite a few typos throughout. I don't usually mention them (I always comment on the feel of a book) but I read on and it is a continuing problem throughout. Your punctuation needs a tough talking to. The syntax takes you out of the story far too often.

The ideas flow thick and fast and it is clear that you have a fertile and vivid imagination. Chapters are of a good length and the book is concise and pacy. Tidy up the writing and this one should be a winner.

DELIRIUM
This is a story with a shocking first chapter: two brothers adding human flesh to their baking business. Makes it a relief to shift to the second chapter and what at first seem like nicer people – only to learn they are using a vaccine to bring dead people to life. Makes this a good twist on the usual zombie story. In addition to your clever plot, your writing style adds a lot to the story. Makes you able to describe your characters and settings with enough detail your reader can tell what is happening, not so much you bog down your story. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Mark/Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

The pitch got me at "Ultra-Violent Killing machines". I will be reading this tonight with a nice glass of Stella. Let's see what you've got.

Hi, thank you for the praise and comments.
I have left the location as Ambleton. A little further on it does mention the gold rush and Pacific coast. But thank you for the link to the website, it might come in handy for the next few books i have started to write. I shall take a look at your work in the next couple of days.
Thank you once again for your comments,
Cheers,
John Stearn

High points for gruesomeness, for those in search of such things! (which I'm not, but I can still see it certainly delivers). It immediately made me think of Sweeney Todd, which I expect you might be familiar with, but if you're not I'd highly recommend reading it.
I don't think you need the introductory backstory, at least not right there. Give us little bits and pieces as the story progresses, but (and this is just my opinion) I'd jump right into the shocking visit from Jane to really grab the reader, starting with "For ten years..." In any case, wherever you do deliver the backstory, I strongly recommend being more specific than "Ambleton, a North American University Town". North America is a very big place, and people who live here would find that to be an absurdly broad definition. One thought would be to put it near a town now famous for its meat processing.
(Here's a link to a list: http://top-topics.thefullwiki.org/Meat_processing_in_the_United_States
that being said, you do a great job of dishing up (sorry) just what you promise in your pitch!
Best of luck with this!
My writing isn't nearly as gory, but if you have a non-gory side, do drop by and check out my middle grade novel, the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi, thank you for the praise and comments.
I have left the location as Ambleton. A little further on it does mention the gold rush and Pacific coast. But thank you for the link to the website, it might come in handy for the next few books i have started to write. I shall take a look at your work in the next couple of days.
Thank you once again for your comments,
Cheers,
John Stearn

High points for gruesomeness, for those in search of such things! (which I'm not, but I can still see it certainly delivers). It immediately made me think of Sweeney Todd, which I expect you might be familiar with, but if you're not I'd highly recommend reading it.
I don't think you need the introductory backstory, at least not right there. Give us little bits and pieces as the story progresses, but (and this is just my opinion) I'd jump right into the shocking visit from Jane to really grab the reader, starting with "For ten years..." In any case, wherever you do deliver the backstory, I strongly recommend being more specific than "Ambleton, a North American University Town". North America is a very big place, and people who live here would find that to be an absurdly broad definition. One thought would be to put it near a town now famous for its meat processing.
(Here's a link to a list: http://top-topics.thefullwiki.org/Meat_processing_in_the_United_States
that being said, you do a great job of dishing up (sorry) just what you promise in your pitch!
Best of luck with this!
My writing isn't nearly as gory, but if you have a non-gory side, do drop by and check out my middle grade novel, the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

High points for gruesomeness, for those in search of such things! (which I'm not, but I can still see it certainly delivers). It immediately made me think of Sweeney Todd, which I expect you might be familiar with, but if you're not I'd highly recommend reading it.
I don't think you need the introductory backstory, at least not right there. Give us little bits and pieces as the story progresses, but (and this is just my opinion) I'd jump right into the shocking visit from Jane to really grab the reader, starting with "For ten years..." In any case, wherever you do deliver the backstory, I strongly recommend being more specific than "Ambleton, a North American University Town". North America is a very big place, and people who live here would find that to be an absurdly broad definition. One thought would be to put it near a town now famous for its meat processing.
(Here's a link to a list: http://top-topics.thefullwiki.org/Meat_processing_in_the_United_States
that being said, you do a great job of dishing up (sorry) just what you promise in your pitch!
Best of luck with this!
My writing isn't nearly as gory, but if you have a non-gory side, do drop by and check out my middle grade novel, the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

John,
This is a new twist to the zombie genre, so to speak, a pioneer heading off in a new direction, just as vampires have turned into day people feeding off rats rather than humans. Your beginning was a grabber setting the tone for cannibalism and unabashed rending of flesh. Your simple- straightforward narrative style coupled with to-the-point dialogue gives your tale immediacy and realism. Thank you so much for the intriguing read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean