Break Free. Utopia!

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG) review:

I really liked this. It's a very intriguing idea, as it seems almost like a human Noah's arc, as two by two they venture into the new city. I also thought you did a great job with the tension as she gets the phone call, and I really liked the melancholy mood. It was very interesting to see it through a child's eyes, as well. There are still some editing issues, as you mention, and I would possibly cut down a bit on some of the repetition here or there (the brother promises her he'll find her again in both chapter 1 and 2, and I might only have him say that once to give the scene more impact; also, I might consider cutting out one of the times when Sari says she's not leaving), but I thought the writing was very good, and the story really drew me in.

I also wrote down a few notes as I read. Apologies if these have already been corrected in the current draft.
PROLOGUE:
- “or other such as heinous crimes” - I might take out “as” here
- I wasn't sure the comma was needed in “I am, Sarina Louise O'Brian.” or in “You can call me, Sari.” If she was addressing a different character named Sari, I'd keep the commas, but since she was speaking of herself, I might remove them.
CHAPTER 1:
- I might add a question mark to “can you please sit properly while at the table(?)” - I also wasn't quite sure I would say this was an order, since he frames it in the form of a question.
- “every movement was stiff and (rigid)”
- I really liked the part where the older siblings tilt their heads and she then follows suit. That was very cute, and helped them seem like real siblings to me.
- “drive by the Wilson's (to) gather” ?
- The issue with the virus did make me rethink the prologue a bit. She seemed to dislike the idea of Utopia, but going there seems like the reason why she's still alive to tell the tale.
CHAPTER 2:
- I would possibly use another contraction or two in the dialogue at times, (like in the line “You are our future. We are putting all of our hopes”) though this could be a regional thing.
- “do you need (assistance) with anything?”
- I did wonder if “Clive Owens” was a bit similar to Clive Owen, the actor, who I couldn't help picturing here.
- “It's not forever. We will meet again.” - I might reference the fact that he's said this before, by saying something like “I told you, kiddo. We'll meet again. Promise.” This is just a quick example of course, but as it was, it seemed too similar to his earlier statement in chapter 1 for me.
- “when the virus has (passed),”
- I wasn't sure if cancer needed to be capitalized, unless it's dealing with the zodiac sign
- small editing issue: “where (his) lips had been.”
- “two from every family” - I did wonder just how much space would be required to fit two people from every family into Utopia, as this sounds like it would still be millions of people, depending on the size of the area they're drawing from.

Great job overall, as most of my issues are either easily fixed or easily ignored. Very good story so far, and I really felt for Sari and her family here.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Yarg review
the only thing i can say in negative aspect the text is too small other than that i liked the story you have here. you have a way with words, each sentance flowing to the next. i am not good at editing myself so i find it hard to tell others how to do it. i think with a little more rewriting it should do great here
jess

Hello Laura,
YARG review

I have read the prologue and chapter 1 and taken a peek at some other chapters.
I like the premise, that one child of the family has to live in "Utopia" to avoid a deadly virus.
You have brought out well the distress that Sarina feels at having to leave her siblings behind, although you maintain a distance from her inner thoughts.
This separation from family seems to be the main theme of the story from what I have read so far.

The prologue is nicely done, particularly the brief description of Utopia.
It has a few mistakes in punctuation and word usage.

Chapter 1 was also well done.
I just took issue with the sentences from "The clock ceased ticking .." to ".... into shards of colourful rubber". The way it was written, it seemed that everything truly stopped, rather than metaphorically, which is not believable.

The following chapters I think would benefit from some work to increase emotional impact. At the moment they are heavy on dialogue and on actions with low consequence. I would suggest paring down the dialogue, but increasing the intensity at key moments, for instance by addition of vivid descriptions showing what is happening and people's non-verbal reactions to it. You could even jump ahead in time between scenes to get us straight into the important action, instead of sticking with strictly sequential scenes. I suggest treating each chapter as though it were the first chapter of the book and aim for that kind of impact.

More emphasis on the dystopian aspects of "Utopia" would also be good.

I hope these comments are helpful.
Good luck with this.

Fiona Haven
Falling Upwards

This is a YARG Review

Break Free. Utopia!

I’ve read the first couple of chapters. You have an interesting idea for a dystopian story, which we see through the eyes of your very young MC, Sarina. I’m don’t think you’re looking for editing type comments, so I haven’t concentrated on them. There are errors, typos and that sort of thing but I think you already know that. I think the title has too much punctuation, it sounds like a self-help book.

The Prologue is okay, and a good introduction. An adult narrator might not be instantly appealing to a YA audience, but it’s short and it’s apparent that Chapter One is from Sarina’s younger pov.

In Chapter One, why is the window only translucent? I like it as a comparison with their pale mother. I think there are probably too many physical descriptions of the family - the reader doesn’t need to know what everyone looks like, what colour their hair is etc, unless for some reason it’s important later on.
“cock head” is an unfortunate typo.
The way her brother and sister treat Sari makes her seem much younger than ten. They lift her up, put her on their laps and stuff.
“It was the usual sign for silence.” I don’t think this needs explaining. Everyone knows what it means.
I don’t think “painstaking” fits with “lost, longing”. It makes it hard to imagine how he’s looking at her.
“will pick up Sarina and I..” should be “Sarina and me.”
I like the description of the way EJ is with his little sister.
Sarina is chosen because she’s the youngest, but she can’t be much younger than Charm if Charm has only just started puberty. I think there ought to be another reason. Maybe later there is?

In Chapter Two, I wonder how it is that Sarina doesn’t know about this virus already. She must go online, watch television or listen to the radio? The news would be everywhere and everyone would be talking about it. She’s ten - not that easy to shelter. What about school? People would talk, surely?
“your chariot awaits” doesn’t seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation. Sarina and her mother are leaving the others possibly to die.
“It’s ninety four - not nine.” This detail makes me wonder if the phonecall went to the wrong family somehow. If not, it’s distracting.
“Her words sounded stale, as though she was choking on them…” is quite nice.
“Before I could rip the wrapping from the lollipop…” is odd, since she put it in her pocket.

This is an interesting and unusual main idea, and with some editing, has potential. Good luck with it,

Lucy

Hi Laura; I have just read your prologue and first chapter.

This is a great idea. The fact that Utopia might not actually be all that it's cracked up to be is intriguing. At first it even felt a little like the film Logan's Run.

The voice of the future Sari breaks us into the prologue nicely and gets the idea across well.

This comes alive, however, with the utter bemusement Sari shows at being chosen. The reaction from her siblings and the gifts given is also a nice touch. I thought Sari's mother a very good character. She's seems so detached about what is happening. How she picks one child over another to go with her is actually quite chilling.

This offers a lot and reads well. There is the odd bit of editing required for punctuation but nothing that can't easily be sorted. One main spot for you, I don't think you need the 'as' before heinous in the prologue.

All the best and starred for you.
RMA (Richard)
The Snow Lily

Laura:
An amazing story. I love it or rather I love the idea. Very well written. Aside from a few typos, I only noticed one problem. Early on, you describe the plague as having killed hundreds and thousands when it should have killed millions to produce the reaction you are describing. Only a minor issue. No big deal. Easily fixed, if you wish.
I read through chapter 5. I will read more when I have the time. Your story should do very well. Congratulations! Six stars and a place on my WL.
I’d appreciate a return read with stars and comment. If you judge my book worthy, a place on your WL, even better a place on your shelf.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

Yes, I agree, there were times I had to re read some detail, but overall, I loved this and will be scoring it highly.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage (B.A.O.R)

After reading more of you book, I like how you drew us in at first with the present life of your MC, then go back to cover what happened. I would have made the same choice with my children (youngest one and the mother). There are some parts that I had to read a few times to get what you are saying. And it looks like others made those same kind of comments. But overall, still a great read and I have enjoyed it.

Hi,
You have a very interesting premise for your book which draws the reader in immediately, wishing you good luck with your book,

Katy

Very good book. I hope this one continues to do well and you move up in the numbers.

Laura,

I've read the first few chapters of 'Break Free. Utopia!'. I love the premise and I think creatively it's very good. The structure, pace and descriptiveness are certainly just right. I was drawn in and intrigued.

Where I do have some issues is with the language/grammar. Admittedly, much of it could be Australian English vs. English English issues (if you see what I mean...), but there are some basic mistakes as well. Fortunately they'll be easy to solve with a thorough read-through and are really quite minor. I probably haven't found them all but a few things I noticed are pasted below - I hope they're useful!

*giddy, excited, and smile... the 'and smile' doesn't fit grammatically. use 'happy' or 'smiling' instead of smile?
*a trialling job... never come across 'trialling' before, would 'tough' or 'difficult' be better?
*every good story does... again not quite right gramatically correct. I'm not sure what to suggest except to rephrase slightly...
*family friends and freedom was... 'was' should be 'were'
*Both rounded me... not sure what you mean
*cocking the heads, 'the' should be 'their'
*daggy... another new one on me - sounds very Aussie, but that's not a bad thing! Just thought I'd mention it.
*the Wilsons and your best friend... ...is meeting you there... should be 'are meeting you there' as there are several of them...

Just one more point. I have recently discovered that many agents just ignore prologues and start with the first chapter. In response I renumbered my chapters with the prologue as chapter one. (It can always be changed back once an agent is on board!). Yours is quite short so perhaps not an issue, but I thought I'd mention it!

I've given you high stars and will find a slot on my bookshelf for you at some point (long list of commitments just now but you will get a slot, I promise!)

Looking forward to your views on Horizons and if you like it I'd be honoured if you star/back it as you feel appropriate!

Just one last thought, just occured to me and might be usefull, I dunno... Could you use the phrase 'Utopia meets Distopia' in your pitch?

Warm regards,

Robert

Chapter one...I wouldn't want to be the chosen one. I wouldn't want to leave my siblings and father behind. I wouldn't want to go to an unknown city full of strangers. Well, glad Sari isn't going alone but with mom who was forced to make the difficult decision.........etc
This is an intriguing story. I am curious what lies ahead of Sari and her mom. Will bad things happen to them or will life be better? I suspect those left behind will be killed. Anyway, I must read on to see where this story goes...

I really really like the prologue. Utopia is like hell to Sari but heaven to others. Same apply to my place of birth, Jamaica. Many called it Paradise Island but there were no paradise for me
Max stars but still reading...

Hi Greg,

Thank you for your honesty. I've been working on smoothing it out and fixing the errors. I will get on to your book, A Knight for a Queen right away.

Laura

Hi,

The story is relatively well written, but it seems a little forced at times. I like that the action starts immediately, and that the characters are so believable and sympathetic.

A few linguistic issues: "fight off" not "fight of" the virus in chapter 2; her words falling off her tongue sounds peculiar in chapter 3; there's no time to waste not waist in chapter 3; Charm being described as charming sounds like a poor attempt at humour and is especially jarring in such a dramatic scene. There are a few other things of that nature. A careful edit should resolve them.

Overall, I like your book. Your opening chapter draws the reader in right away. Despite the rough patches left to smooth out, I am interested by your tale.

I would appreciate a reciprocal read of A Knight for a Queen (formerly Alter Business).

Greg

Hi,

The story is relatively well written, but it seems a little forced at times. I like that the action starts immediately, and that the characters are so believable and sympathetic.

A few linguistic issues: "fight off" not "fight of" the virus in chapter 2; her words falling off her tongue sounds peculiar in chapter 3; there's no time to waste not waist in chapter 3; Charm being described as charming sounds like a poor attempt at humour and is especially jarring in such a dramatic scene. There are a few other things of that nature. A careful edit should resolve them.

Overall, I like your book. Your opening chapter draws the reader in right away. Despite the rough patches left to smooth out, I am interested by your tale.

I would appreciate a reciprocal read of A Knight for a Queen (formerly Alter Business).

Greg

What a captivating beginning. It really drew me in, and left me wanting more. :)) your writing style impresses me, which says a lot. I hope you continue with this novel. I am interested to see how it pans out.

Hello Laura.

Quite an interesting concept and a good hook from the prologue. In a revisit you miight not want to give quite so much away, let the readers unravel it themselves.

I had a feeling it was going to be a 'Sophie's choice sort of thing and in a way it was.

Writing's crisp and good dialogue.

Backed and starred. Good luck.

Jess.