Z-Positive

I love all those zombie films, even the not supposed to be funny ones crack me up. This should be a film, it's quirky and cool and its like zombieland from the side of the two girls Woody Harrelson and the other geezer pick up.
Your writing is good and I chuckled in places, kids with big guns are funny.
You get full stars for been funny, good writing, writing like a Yank when you ain't, and having that link to the website with people dressed up like computer game characters which was something else what made me laugh.

This is for the big screen. its entertaining explosive

This is a good read Sammi. Not as comical as Sean of the Dead, but not as serious as 28 Days Later, it sort of fits in the Zombieland bracket of Zombie fiction. In fact I'm surprised the girls aren't quoting "the rules".
And it's this tone that gives your as yet untitled work it's charm. It reads as though you had fun writing it and that translates to the reader, well, to me at least, and after some of the serious stuff I've read recently it's quite a breath of fresh air. There's probably some grammatical and tense errors that I've totally missed, others will be more help on that score, but content wise you are on the right path.
Only one slip up, you describe the zombie hanging onto the pickup as having his arm decapitated. Decapitation is the removal of the head so it doesn't work with other limbs. Maybe amputated?
Hope you post up more, this is a good antidote to the more weighty stuff on here. And yet again I wish I had a bigger bloody shelf!

James

PS If you are studying A levels that puts you here in the UK but you are doing a good job of writing as an American. The question then is are you from the States? And if not how will American readers find your American voice?

I haven't really got any criticism to make. Your pacing is brilliant. You get in a lot of information but it's done in a way that just sweeps the reader along. The situation and characters are believable and the death of Dad is touching. The scene at the clinic is very vivid. It's also fun. If the Europeans aren't giving America Mad Cow Disease it's Tridoxynol. Poor Mrs Frisby - well she was annoying anyway. You've got humour in there but the plot is serious. I don't really 'do' zombies (except for Shaun) but I think this is very good indeed of the genre.
5 stars and on my watchlist.
Can't think of a non cliche title. Something like When the Games turned Real maybe. I think someone should be able to think of a better one than that though.

Sammi

Well, the title had me sold, and glad to see that it's not one of those titles that never comes up during the book, but something really important that drives the plot.

You've some really interesting main characters here, and there's enough little gestures and acknowledgements between the family that they really feel like a family.

Few small things. First, the prologue: I don't think it works in the present tense, not when you shift to the past tense for the main chapters. It's a bit of personal preference and I'm sure you have your reasons for doing it, but I think moving it into the past tense will help create a better sense of pacing for the events.

My second point was just that, actually: pacing: there's a lot in chapter one, and while it's a great read, I think you could introduce some conversations or flashbacks to break up the length of time they're waiting in the clinic (and also make it seem even longer to the reader too.) In terms of my own style and pacing, I'd drop the prologue and fit that scene in as a flashback during chapter 1, have things start really dramatically and affecting these characters, rather than watching something on TV.

I can't comment on your voice: as an Irishman, I also try to write in a vaguely American style, never sure if it's paying off (or if it overshadows something else within my writing) but something that I find helps is if you don't make it explicit. I always know where my writing takes place (it's usually east coast US) but never state it outright: as such, I've had different people tell me different things about their takes of location, stretching from the US to small-town Ireland. That said, when writing a genre piece such as this, I don't think location and voice are as important as they need to be.

Hope all of that makes some sense to you: a really enjoyable read and I'll hopefully have some space for it on my bookshelf soon.
Ken

We don’t use a plaster, we use either a bandaid or a bandage.
It could cheer you up a bit, a little bit or not at all, it can’t cheer you up a treat.
A car has a hood, not a bonnet.

These are all of the Americanization errors I found in your text. I love the story, love the characters, love your pace. I'm dying to know what's next!
Thank you,
xxxooo

Ahh thank you so much for pointing those out! A slap on the wrists for my misuse of 'plaster' as I know that was meant to be band-aid >.< I'll make sure to go back and change them all. I'm actually pretty pleased those were the only errors you found. Thank you so so much! xxx

We don’t use a plaster, we use either a bandaid or a bandage.
It could cheer you up a bit, a little bit or not at all, it can’t cheer you up a treat.
A car has a hood, not a bonnet.

These are all of the Americanization errors I found in your text. I love the story, love the characters, love your pace. I'm dying to know what's next!
Thank you,
xxxooo

From the title alone, I had to read it.

Hi Sammi,

I've read more but I'll confine my comments to your opening chapter. I suppose that's the good bit - I've read more. That suggests that your story holds the interest, and in this genre that generally means characters you quickly come to care about and some scary shit going on that puts them in peril. Thumbs up on both counts.

Zombies, whether of the dead variety or the infected, aren't real. That means that, within reason, you can have them do whatever you like. It's your story. Some zombie geeks apparently got upset when the director of the re-make of Dawn of the Dead had his zombies able to run rather than shamble as in the original. Same with 28 Days Later - again they didn't like the running and they didn't like that they weren't actually dead. I think this is bullshit. Because they're not real, there are no rules. If you want to have zombies that can run, jump, fly, talk, or even solve complex mathematical puzzles, you can have them. There are no rules.

Sorry. Actually, there are rules. They are not rules about what your zombies can or can't do. Other than those that you introduce into your story yourself. So if your zombies spend the first half of your story agilely scaling tall buildings, they can't suddenly revert to shuffling wrecks just to allow your heroes to escape. In other words you need internal consistency. Beyond that, though, in the world before the zombies appear, and to some extent even after they appear, people who are not zombies have to think, talk and act in a way we would recognise as being more or less normal.

If you accept this, I hope you'll also accept the following criticisms in the constructive spirit in which they are intended, even if the tone occasionally lapses into sarcasm as I'm afraid it tends to.

1. The references to zombies in popular culture are fine. The idea that discussion of a forthcoming zombie apocalypse was a frequent topic of conversation, even among children, is less convincing. That 'people had their plans' - escape routes, provisons, hiding places, weapons - just isn't plausible. Unless your characters lived in a town that was already infected - with paranoia.

2. On the spread of the infection. A small point - what did the zombies have against Poland? It's a lot easier to get to from Germany than the UK is. A bigger point - European tourists brought it to the USA, specifically to Florida, more specifically, to Disneyworld? You say it took 'a matter of hours at most' for the infection to take hold. Even if your first thought after being bitten by a zombie was 'I want the kids to see Disneyworld before it's too late (or I eat them)', the chances of getting your travel arrangements made in time would be slim. At best there would have been a lot of in-flight problems somewhere mid-Atlantic. And that's not to mention the notoriously sticky US immigration authorities. In fact, all flights from Europe, and probably everywhere else, would have been grounded long before.

3. How do you get infected? You mention two ways - injection with or ingestion of an experimental drug (Tridoxynol) or being bitten by a zombie. Why would they test people in the US who hadn't been bitten and why would people, like your main characters, who knew they hadn't been bitten, worry about the outcome of the tests? Had they possibly eaten contaminated food? Unlikely, unless those sneaky Germans had said to themselves, 'We're not eating this shit, it turns you into a zombie. Let's export it to America'. And American families had decided that, notwithstanding the risk, they just had to have some bratwurst and sauerkraut for their dinner.

4. 'The army was useless, even the goddamn marines were useless.' I'm not a great fan of the US military. I don't like most of what they do and I recognise that given the resources they have, a lot of the time they don't do it very well. It's quite conceivable that they could be overwhelmed by massed zombie hordes. Max Brooks describes such a scenario in World War Z. But they would put up a fight. And it would warrant more than one dismissive sentence.

After that, I don't have any issues. The scene in the clinic is great (although it should be mundane, not menial). So it's just the set-up. I think it needs to be a bit more consistent, both in itself and in how we would expect people individually, and the authorities, to react. Does it matter? To a lot of readers (judging by previous comments) it probably doesn't. But I suspect that to publishers, it probably does. There's a lot of stories out there in this genre and in my experience, they're not exactly snapping them up. It isn't the main thing (the main thing is scary), but I think they will expect the premise to make sense.

I suppose until I tried to do it, I had no idea how hard it is to achieve consistency in a made-up world or a made-up scenario. As I re-drafted my 'zombie' story, I found loads of things that I thought worked well as writing but that just didn't make sense. As an example, the incubation period for the Infection threw up far more issues for me than whether or not it was long enough to catch a flight to Miami. I must have changed it at least five times. And I still don't know if it works.

If you have the time, and you're not totally pissed off by this comment, I'd really appreciate a read and a comment on Cured. Even if you are totally pissed off, I'd still appreciate it.

Regards
Dave F

I have read all that you have uploaded and I would really like to read more. I must know what happens.

I've only read the first three chapters and i love it i fell like i'm there with them.It's so enticing.

{Z-Positive} – Sammi Palmer
YAL Review and return read

I must admit I don’t read much horror, I’m not really a fan, but I have read all you uploaded with great interest and you succeeded in capturing my attention!

To start with, I like the details you have about the zombie outbreak and takeover. There is added depth to what you reveal to us readers, for instance Disney World becoming more like ‘Zombie World’ and the destruction of youth and magic, dreams and fun – I think this could even be symbolic/taken to a more metaphorical level, or at least provoke some deeper thoughts and make this appealing to a range of readers.

Your MC is strong, likeable and fun – I saw in your pitch that you’re interested on comments on character voice. Well, I think you have a great handle on it! I especially like the detail in chapter one about her mother’s death, and her resolve that she’ll survive doomsday again.

You build the tension well; from the problem introduced in the prologue, to the spreading of the zombies to the USA in chapter one… then the blood testing. I like the way the pace slightly slows in the opening of chapter two to become slightly melancholic with Hayley’s thoughts on being in a state of limbo and what it will be like to become an orphan. This is a perfect lead in to the tragedy of their father’s death.

What I also like about your story is that it is not all doomsday and death – for instance in chapter three with the news coming on ‘teamed with one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve ever seen.’ Images such as these, and even the ‘in the car, all smiles and rainbows again’ gives the story a lighter edge. The developing relationship of trust and companionship between Jason and Hayley is also nicely done and stood out for me.

This is not just a story about a zombie apocalypse; it distinguishes itself (I think, although as I said I’m not a huge horror reader so this is just my impression!) because of the youthful flair and the strength we see in your MC. She seems to grow and develop wisdom too. I also think the ending of chapter four is touching; ‘How the comfort of a stranger can make you feel calm, so calm in fact that after all that’s happened you can let yourself fall asleep in his arms, and dream the most peaceful dream you have in weeks.’ Aww! You have something strong here and I wish you all the best. High stars!!

**
Also I started making some edit suggestions in the prologue… hope these will be useful. To be honest as I read on I just became absorbed in the story and your prose was pretty polished so I disengaged from edit mode :)
(Prologue):
Perhaps ‘Video clips start to roll in the background as she starts to speak.’ This would avoid repeating ‘story’ from previous sentence

Coma for dialogue ‘turn it up,’ I say – because ‘I say’ is the dialogue tag

‘clutching at her skull’ next sentence ‘tear her way through her skull’ perhaps in this sentence you could say ‘tear her way through the bone’ to avoid repetition?
**
Small feedback point in chapter 1; just a thought about actually splitting the chapter in half at ‘Today is a scary day for us’?? – to make the day of the blood tests stand out more and have more impact, as it is such a momentums moment?

Hope I’ve been useful! :) Keep writing and again best of luck! Thank you also for supporting 'Dawn of Destruction'!! :)

Cara

Hi Sammi
Just had another read of the first three chapters. I see you have made some changes and I like them. It's much more dramatic now. Hayley and Billie are great characters, so tough and brave. As I've said before, you are definitely a talented writer. Your descriptions of Billie in particular are brilliant.
I did wonder where their Dad went to shoot himself. Was he still in the house? I also thought that maybe you could show the girls grief at their fathers death a bit more. Immediately after his death they talk about their Mum rather than him. But I did think it worked okay the way you've done it - after all they would be in shock and maybe they will grieve for him more later.
This deserves to be higher in the rankings. It's not perfect - but your writing shows incredible promise. I'm sure you'll make it as a writer.
Best wishes
Kirstie

Hi Sammi; I don't think you do yourself enough justice. I have read the prologue and first chapter of your book, and it's really good. I felt the idea of the Americans wanting Zombies to make it to the USA so that they could shoot them was really good and Disneyland becoming Zombieland was even better. I don't think there's much that needs changing in this. Your book is sufficiently different to most Zombie books to hold its own. To be honest I often find this sort of thing a bit tedious but I was truly glad that I started reading this as it wasn't at all like that. I shall WL this and read more when I can as I think I shall continue to enjoy it.
All the best
RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

Sammi,

I like to be scared somethings so thought I'd have a little look at Z-Positive. I like spoof horrors like Sean of the Dead etc. Your book is a really good read, your a talented writer and as has been said this would translate to the small or indeed big screen.

I look forward to continuing with the read.

Well done

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE

LADIES NIGHT

Sammi,

I like to be scared somethings so thought I'd have a little look at Z-Positive. I like spof horror like Sean of the Dead etc. Your book is a really good read, your a talented writer and as has been said this would translate to the small or indeed big screen.

I look forward to continuing with the read.

Well done

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE

LADIES NIGHT

Sammi,

I like to be scared somethings so thought I'd have a little look at Z-Positive. I like spof horror like Sean of the Dead etc. Your book is a really good read, your a talented writer and as has been said this would translate to the small or indeed big screen.

I look forward to continuing with the read.

Well done

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE

LADIES NIGHT

Sammi,

I like to be scared somethings so thought I'd have a little look at Z-Positive. I like spof horror like Sean of the Dead etc. Your book is a really good read, your a talented writer and as has been said this would translate to the small or indeed big screen.

I look forward to continuing with the read.

Well done

Dean

ROUGH JUSTICE

LADIES NIGHT

This is a great zombie story, well paced with plenty of action and emotion. I really like the narrative voice, and I think you do a great job of conveying information (i.e. through the news report). That said, I feel that you could maybe start at a point of action and reveal information gradually throughout (for instance, beginning with the trip to the doctor's). I do think some of your longer paragraphs could be broken down, and there could be more dialogue interspersed throughout to break up the action. Other than some tense confusion and grammatical errors that others have already pointed out, there's not an awful lot to criticise here. It's well written and the narration is strong. There's definitely great potential here and I wish you the best of luck with this. Highly starred!
Emma

I love all those zombie films, even the not supposed to be funny ones crack me up. This should be a film, it's quirky and cool and its like zombieland from the side of the two girls Woody Harrelson and the other geezer pick up.
Your writing is good and I chuckled in places, kids with big guns are funny.
You get full stars for been funny, good writing, writing like a Yank when you ain't, and having that link to the website with people dressed up like computer game characters which was something else what made me laugh.

Good Zombie stuff here! The more specifics the better, so anyplace you say something general, (i.e. to watch football or something) pin yourself down. You can decide! It's also almost always better to show instead of tell. So for this example you might say, Dad hit the remote -- a football game popped up on the screen -- and sent us to bed. (Not a brilliant example but now you don't have to say "he stayed downstairs to watch football or something" because you've already shown us what he's doing). And if you want to get more particular about the brain-dissolving business, the frontal lobe gives us the ability to think beyond an animal level, and the amygdala, a small organ at the temple, when pressed on with tumors, has been known to trigger uncontrollable rage.
But this looks like lots of fun for the obvious zombie crowd. Best of luck with this!
and
If you're so inclined, I'd be pleased as punch if you'd take a look at my kids' literature/novel The Lost Wink!
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Sammi,
I’m here for our read swap. I bumped it up the list because, well, it looked interesting to me. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth, and feel free to disregard what you disagree with.
Prologue
An interesting opening-line. I had to read it a couple times to determine what I thought about it, but I like it. It’s a good lure.
I’m not sure the phrase “has adopted a somber face” really works there, though. Seems like overkill for such a simple thing. Also, I don’t think you need to say “the next story,” since you’ve already established in the prior one-lined paragraph what story you’re referring to.
Herbicide was being tested on volunteers? Who would volunteer for that? I think you might want to say something like “volunteers were testing a new herbicide.”
“He introduces…” I’d say “The reporter introduces” for clarity.
Delete “to us.” Who is “us?”
Some small punctuation things to look out for, especially pertaining to commas. Not a big deal, but I thought I’d note it. For instance, add a comma after “sister” and before “Billie” in paragraph 9.
“me or Dad” should be “Dad and me”
What is a suitable pause? Drop suitable. Perhaps instead of “after a pause,” you might have the reporter issue a warning about the graphical nature of the following video.
The description of the zombie woman’s eyes could be whittled down. You say the same thing in three or four different ways, and it sort of cheapens its impact.
“lightly-tan skin” should either be “lightly-tanned skin” or “light, tan skin”
Watch the excessive wordiness. For instance, “It’s all too easy to imagine…” could easily be “I imagine…”
I’m confused as to what kind of story this is and about one particular detail. Is this a comedy? Or, does the news not realize that there’s an outbreak, thinking instead that this zombie infection is an isolated incident? If they realize how serious it is, which the children seem to realize, then they would not just brush over it and move on to a more light-hearted story…unless it’s a comedy. Just something to think about.
Chapter One
It might just be a personal preference, but I’ve never been a fan of beginning a chapter with nebulous pronouns. When authors do that, they keep the reader at arm’s length and make them work to find context. Who is “we?” Just something to think about.
“Special Forces” should be “Special Forces Unit”
“Oh yeah. And my name’s Hayley. Hi.” Why say this so far into the chapter?
I dropped the line-by-line edits at this point, as I was worried I was missing the feel of the story as a whole. My general thoughts after reading this chapter is that your style is refreshing, as it’s an easy read. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s juvenile or too simplistic. I mean that in a sense of it being a page-turner. You keep the story moving forward and that works very well. The writing is also pretty polished and clean and the story is captivating. I have some suggestions, but I’ll save them until after I’ve read Chapter Two to see if things are different.
Chapter Two
I’d add an “of” after “couple”
The “It’s one thing to be orphaned…” sentence doesn’t make sense to me. Might need to be revised.
“Dad” in this case, should be lowercased. “ ‘Hi, Dad,’ she said.” Is capitalized. “There is my dad,” she said. Is lowercased. Let me know if that doesn’t make sense. The biggest thing is, when you’re substituting Dad for the person’s name, either directly or in reference, it should be capitalized. Also, drop the comma after “Dad.”
The sentence that follows, you might consider breaking it up a bit.
You do a very good job of pacing the MC’s father increasing illness. Good foreshadowing and enough of a sprinkling of details to keep the reader interested, even though he/she has a good idea as to what might happen next.
This is a strong chapter. A lot happens here to really move the story forward.
As I’ve alluded to before, your biggest strength is pacing. The blocks of this story are placed very well. Also, the writing is structurally clean for the most part. This is written almost like a newscast in itself, which isn’t so bad, though you might consider to focus on showing more. You tend to tell a lot, as if the reader is an outsider listening to the story third-hand. Not always bad, but at times, it would be nice to be brought closer to the action. That’s to say, to what the MC is feeling. Instead of showing us her worry, through expressions, the way she reacts, gestures, etc., you tend to just have the MC tell the reader “I’m scared” (in so many words). Adding more show vs. tell could really make this story pop, amplifying the intensity a bit. Finally, I’d consider amping up the imagery. This could help with the whole show vs. tell thing.
Overall and exciting and well-written story. Highly starred from me. I can see this doing well. I love zombie thrillers and this is a good one so far.
Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Dear Sammi
SIX stars for the rest of your book!
I've put your book on my watchlist and will back you soon.
Keep writing. You have a gift.
Kindest regards
Maretha African Adventures of Flame Family Furry and Feathered Friends

Hi, Sammi,

As promised, I'm back to reread. I am seldome impressed when I return to a story and find that my idea of a rewrite and the author's is on different brain waves. This opening was/is pppeeerrrfect.... it screams YA and written by a smart and clever writer. It has dept and emotion and for someone like me whose not into Zombie's, this made all sense to me. Congrats!

i will try to read chapter 2 soon. this week for sure. maybe this weekend. I am, in all sincereity, wanting to read more. You show talent.

A few suggestions:

round--add a infront. around.
seen the tape(.) gut out too.
all to easy to imagine(.) My own
billie climbes into bed with me...
I lie awake all night (.) She

I hope the rest of the chapters measure up to this great opening.
Nancy Lopez

Three chapters in.

Pacing is definitely your greatest strength. The story reads well. Still, there's a lot to be improved - a major example would be the father's death and the way you never mention it later on and even have the sisters joke shortly afterwards. This, and generally the emotional void in the storyline (where is the girls' grief?), is rather jarring.

Another thing that struck me was that you leave New Orleans unexplained - why must the sisters go on such a long and dangerous journey? Why couldn't they do something more practical, or travel to a closer location? It's an obvious plot device, of course, but I'd advise you to dwell on it a bit more to make it more believable for the reader.

Watch out for the changing tenses, that is suddenly and for a single sentence moving to the past. Easily fixed, though.

Lastly, and these questions might be the key things here, what can be done to escape the cliche effect of your story, what with the subject being rather popular nowadays, and do you aim for something more than that, or do you just write the story for the writing's sake - because it gives you pleasure? These two are only for you to answer.

Sammi, keep in mind, I'm the guy who didn't have a problem with the way you started your story before :) so to tell the truth, I liked the previous version a little better. But I'll happily give you feedback on this version, as well.
The technique you have chosen to use in the prologue is a very tricky one. When you choose to give backstory in news reports, the challenge is the balance between making a news story sound "real," in giving the information that would really be on the news as it happens in real time, and giving the information that you need (or want) the reader to have, to prepare for the story itself. You've done a good job picking out the information we need, but the reporters' actual words could use some brushing up. if I could suggest something...? It might be interesting to see how it goes if you were to write JUST the news first, without putting your characters reactions or anything else in at all, until you have all the information revealed in news stories. You might find out that you even need the news stories to come out over a period of days, as things happen... or you might find that it's fun to drop a bombshell in the news story, and then have them go to a commercial break, so your characters flip the to a different channel, and pick up another story in mid-stream. This would allow you to avoid having to smoothly cover transitions in the story to give the information you want to give, because different news stories would be approached from different angles, and different channels would be at a different place in the story. The post mortem informaiton could be one channel interviewing a doctor who did the post mortem, the same way the policeman interview gives us the information on the shooting of the first zombie.
Squeezing it all into the prologue happening in one evening changed the timing of the story. If the news stories break over a few days, you can have that timing back. Or, if you break up the information over different channels, a reporter can say, "Here's an update: On Monday we reported... (give some previous events) Now, it appears that..." (give some recent development)..."
But if you write JUSt the news, and THEN imagine your characters watching it on TV, and write in their reactions, and channel flipping, or mention that the next stories came a few days later, or whatever, you will probably get a better flow of information coming naturally as it would in a news story. You can have as many different reports as it takes to drop the gems of background information, and as many reporters as you like, so each one can give us a fact without writing the transitions into the news story. You could even have Hayley's dad sending the kids out of the room, so as not to scare them, as a reason Hayley only gets the big picture in little hints (I think that might work well, by the way, if you want to build the tension of the breaking story gradually.)
I like being able to see Hayley a little earlier on. You probably only need to say "dirty blond" once (did you notice you have it in two places?)
I think cool-bag might actually be "cooler bag" or "soft-sided cooler" here. I understand what a cool-bag is, but I don't recall ever hearing it before, so it might be a USA difference. It's a minor issue, cool-bag works, as it's obvious what you mean.
Calling the hummer's motor "nearly-antique" made me think that the story is a couple decades into the future. We, here in the USA, became aware of the hummer during the first Gulf War. That was... hmmm... Bush the First, so... about 1990? Just 22 years ago. Nearly-antique feels like 50+ years to me, so the story would be 2020-2050? (I'm a lot older than you, so maybe a 1990 Hummer IS nearly antique to you. I'll try not to let that hurt my feelings ;) ) If the story is closer to now, perhaps it's an "aging motor." The real hummer was ghastly expensive, and when we see one here in Colorado, it's almost always still in vey nice condition, so if you want this one to be a little dilapidated, you might describe it as "an Army Surplus hummer." Army equipment is often sold at auction here, as it is phased out. But the fist hummer (the kind the military used) is actually pretty rare, even here, so Hayley would be kind of proud of it, even if it was a little beat up, like army surplus. The Army version also came with a really weak motor compaired to the commercial version... which works well with your description of Hayley having a hard time getting it moving, later in the story.
So, here's another suggestion: Don't get too hung up on polishing the openeing of the story. Work on that when you feel like it, and write the rest of the story when that's more fun. Polishing is the grind-work of writing a novel, especially if you are making changes before inspiration really takes hold. So write at least as much new material as you re-write of old material (especially because I want to see where Hayley and Billie are going, haha.) You never know when you will need to make a little change or drop a new gem of information in the beginning, because of something you thought of you want to put in somewhere later in the story. So, keep in mind, you can ALWAYS come back and work something out in the story later on, but he most polished of early material isn't really done until the whole story is written. It can be a frustrating loss of time to work on the early stuff until it's perfect, only to come back and change it later, and have to do a lot of the polish work over.
Let me know if you want a little background informaiton on the practical aspects of the weapons you gave your girls (I know you come from one of those places guns aren't really common.) You haven't made any errors with what you have so far, but you picked weapons with real limitations, and you might use that to create sticky situations and raise the tension in the story- so if you feel very familiar with those weapons, cool, write on, but if you could use some basic information, let me know. I would probably drop that in your email, rather than here, since it's not really about writing and technique suggestions.
Nice work :)
Mike Lee

Sammi,
This is loads of fun :)
One thing: You mentioned US spelling; "tyres" = tires in the US.
Your choice of weapons for your girls is fun... really, really impractical, but really fun. Your characters are really fun. And for this kind of story, your writing style is right-on. I hope you put up a couple more chapters soon. :)
I might like a little bit better description of Hayley early on (I didn't read the pitch, and didn't even know she was female until she told us her name.) You do a great job of giving us good images on all the other characters. I didn't have a problem with "too much back story" at the very beginning, but I don't know if you have already made changes or not. Big shots like Orsen Scott Card (Ender's Game) tell us that speculative fiction shouldn't ever have a prologue... so if you feel the back story goes on too long in chapter one, break it up into little bits of information and intersperse it with the early action. You have plenty of room, and plenty of opportunity to give the backstory right up until they all get back from the doctor z-testing them. So, it would be a comment in one place, "It started just X months ago, in Germany..." but nothing on how it "digests" the brain (you might look at that word use, by the way) until Hayley is describing the behavior of one of hte first zombies she sees in the story, and so on, until the backstory is out. That's another alternative to a prologue, if you wanted to avoid using one (your call; I don't particularly agree with Mr. Card that there should never be one... but he has a touch more credability than I do, in any case ;) )
Sammi, put some more up. I am enjoying this one :)

This is brilliant stuff I was pretty much into it straight off. you have a good narrative voice its engaging and fits in perfectly with your plot. I love the pace with which in chapter 2 you describe the slow deterioration of the father.
On my watchlist Highly starred.

Hi, Samm,
Phew! Glad to hear you were rewritting this and adding a prologue. I was just going to suggest that.
I commend you on your sentence structure. The emotions and the images you create are clear. When things get moving the visuals come through. You set a slow, moderate tone to the voice which is not intimidating. Haley, based on this first chapter is likable.
You took your time to explain step by step how the zombies came to be. And there was no confusion.
I do suggest a few suggestions: When the father finds out, maybe his head drops and he shelds his eyes? She knows he's grieving, but quickly he looks up and stands. Dad is strong. I'm falling apart, but what can I do? Those kind of things.
When I started to read this,,... And i do not know if it will help with your rewrite, my brain was rewrittng. These are only suggestions. That first paragragh, though, enteraining, not crusical to the developement of the story. Remember, there is a word limit to every story.
This is what my brain saw, what registered:
There would be few survivors. Nobody expected the slow, mindless chemical poisoned rotted brains to come.The Zombie apocolypses acosted widespread terror---Zombie weapons were high in demand.

Rudolf Klaus, aka, a regualr boy had been poisoned. When he tore his parents apart, the Germans had succedeed with chemical warfare in the name Tridoxynol. Rudolf was only **years old before turning Zombie.
And now they crop dusted our fields. Now the animals that fed from the vegetation have spread the poison.

I'm only mentioning this becuase maybe it'll help pull and paste your new prologue together. Just wanted to give you ideas.
I tihnk the sentence that starts with "Exact;ly 8 week . . .should be on a single line to make it more dramactic because it is a fast foreward.
Lol, Florida was the first place to be hit? Hell, I live in Florida. Can Zombies swim. Hey, maybe, you can say Floridains started investing in house boats, hahahhahaha,
At least NY is next!

There's this long paragragh that starts with " but anyway, its around..." I would find a way to break it into smaller pieces.
There's another paragraph that starts with "But anyway" this new paragraph can simply start with Blessings or not...
Today is a scary day for us... THis is an important turn around point. I would place on a single line.
Very clear image of the dad slinging the shot gun arund his arm.
"headshot" hahahahhaha blood and guts...Her voice is so soft it's hard to imagine her shooting anything. But its them or us type of thing.
I would "She struggle not knowing to give in or not" instead of with whether.
So, dad, is a Zombie in the making---now you've added the emotion..Reader-story connection. Great ending for chapter 1. Perfect ending.

When the author demonstrate a clear picture of events and clarity, you're on the right path. Clarity and consistency is crucial. Now, we need to know what these character look like and an insight into their individual personality to make then leap from the page.
I dont know if I should read on because you will be doing rewrites? Tell me if u want me to wait or read on?
Nancy Lopez
Backward Glances.
P.s. keep writng this piece to perfection and complete it.

!!!PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE STARTING THE BOOK OR COMMENTING!!!
After reading over and taking into account all the comments I've been getting I have made the decision that most of the backstory in the first chapter of the novel will be rewritten into some kind of prologue. This is going to take some time for me to do, so please bear with me. I have an idea of how to work it, and I do agree with everyone who commented telling me it needs to be done. I'll be honest, when inspiration first struck and I started typing out that first chapter I had no idea it would turn into a serious project, or that so many people would have enjoyed it and seen its potential. Hopefully when I finish rewriting the beginning you will all be happy to come back and give it another look. :)
Thank you so much to everyone who's supported the book and given me the drive to keep writing it. Hell, this might be the first of my writing projects to actually get finished!!!
Much love, Sammi xxx

Hi Sammi,

First of all, I'm really impressed with your "American" voice. Your dialogue was dead on! The only question is "Are you writing the whole book with American spelling or just the dialogue?" If so, "realised" should be realized. I've only read the first chapter so I don't know if there's anything else.

You write in a really unique tone. I felt like it went from really serious to funny out of nowhere. I love how the zombies attack Florida first. I live in Florida, only miles away from Disney as well! Again, you're a great writer and your descriptions are both well written and vivid. My only suggestion (and you can totally ignore this) is to maybe summarize the backstory just a little. I felt really anxious to get to the dialogue that I found myself skimming through some of the paragraphs.

However, when the story did get to the action, I was sold! It was exciting and the pace picked up again. With this whole Vampire/Werewolf takeover, I think it's time for zombies to make a comeback!

Highly starred and the best of luck!

Hi Sammi,
Returning your read of Mr Unusually’s Circus of Dreams. Thanks again for that.

You have a great concept for your novel and you write with humour and style. As with many writers though, you take a little time to 'warm up' and you've put a lot of background information in Chp 1 that is interesting and well written but slows the pace of the chapter considerably. You'd have a tighter novel if you cut out most of the backstory and leapt in when the action starts.

For me things really get going from “Billie came downstairs...” because you start describing action as it happens. This makes the reader really feel involved, increases the pace and provides variety – dialogue, description as well as thought. We feel as though we are right there in your character's head. A lot of chapter 1 feels like 'reportage'. There’s nothing wrong in that, but it distances the reader from what’s going on. We feel like we are being fed information and not as though we are experiencing it first hand. Perhaps you could chose one or two of the scenes you mention and actually give us a blow by blow account with dialogue etc. Rather than just skimming over/'reporting them. I'm sure you'd make it really funny. You could do a series of short scenes which build up to give us the big picture, like an episode of "24".

Your title, pitches and concept are wonderful (that's the bit most people find hard!) But your first line lacks something. You need a really good hook here. Something intriguing that sets the tone for the rest of the novel. One line that teases and makes people want to read on.

You write with great panache and humour, but your novel would start quicker and be more pacy if you cut out the backstory and plunged straight into the action. Be ruthless when you edit and take out anything that isn't essential. I know you're only 19, but I have given you the credit of reviewing your work the same way I would review it if you were 29 or 39!! It deserves to be taken seriously and I'm sure you've got a great career ahead of you.
5 stars from me,
all the best,
Sharda.

On the whole, not bad. I don't usually go in for zombies but you have a good style or writing.

Some constructive feedback;
Occasionally you will repeat words in the same sentence or paragraph and this jars.
"The first zombie was a guy called... who had taken part in the first trials... It was about two months after the first."
Repetition of "first".

I did like the German reference to testing, but then you did not make anything of it. Perhaps Haillie's father could make a comment? Perhaps something that his father told him after the war?

Formatting: in a number of places, you use double line breaks and in others single. Is there a time shift? Or a change of scene? I found this a little confusing. If it is a shift in scene, then perhaps use a single centred "*" and then continue on to the next paragraph. If not, you might want to do a formatting check.

Other than, the core question - being that you are using a generic monster template - is what lifts your story above others in the genre? The z-positive angle is nice, but a version has been used in the The Walking Dead. If you are happy you bob about in the mythos that's ok. But as a reader, I'm asking what is new here? There are any number of stories out there about "monster-of-the-moment", be it zombies, or vampires. Why is yours special?

You have a good writing style, and I would be happy to read more of your work, but at the moment, I don't know if you stand out in your genre.

Martin

Hi Sammi
Firstly, I thought your pitch was great - left me itching to read the book. The idea of two sisters facing the zombies alone is a great set up for the story.
I love your descriptions of Billie - I really feel like I know her. All the stuff about the guns is excellent too - sounds like you really know your stuff there.
I like your writing style, the bit about killing the neighbour is very well handled. It really shows what a desperate situation these girls are in.
I loved 'Disney World had always been a place of youth and magic and dreams and fun, and now it had been torn up by zombies' - this is a great contrast and sets the scene of the story.
And the section where we find out Dad is Z Positive is heartbreaking.
One way that, in my opinion, the opening chapter could be made more dramatic is to lose some of the information at the beginning. You could possibly feed in the details of how the zombie's have spread later on - but only what the reader needs to know to make sense of the story. If you did this, I think you would get to the characters and action more quickly, which is definitely a plus point to encourage younger readers, and agents and editors, to read on.
Well Done though. I think you have a definite talent for writing - keep at it
Best wishes
Kirstie

Dear Sammi
Thank you so much for the opportunity to read your book.
It has all the makings of a good thriller. Your style is fast, setting the scene quickly and shocking us sufficiently when Dad tests z-positive.
Here and there you must watch out for minor grammatical errors, but nothing that can' t be fixed. I find it helps to read the text out loud and to use the third person because your character are not stunted by "I" and this is not an auto biography so you have opportunity to give more dialogue or direct speech. Nevertheless Very High Stars for a superb effort especially considering your age.
Keep writing.Am keeping you on my WL. Let me know when you add more.
kindest regards
Maretha African Adventures of Flame Family Furry and Feathered Friends

AWESOME! A zombie book! Haven't read one of these yet! It does seem more like a movie intro than a books though. Everything was very well described but I didn't think we should get such a information overload in the first chapter. You could really turn this into a thriller/epic/action zombie book, if the chapters were shorter, concise.
I actually started my book like this, giving an intro on how everything happened, what kind of world my characters were living in. You know what my first 'critic' said? It was boring! lol, not saying yours is because I did like it. But when it comes to appeal, this may not grab readers attention right away.
You can even start the first chapter at the line, "Today was a scary day for us" that would be a KILLER FIRST LINE!!! And then through out the chapter, slowly explain things. In "gaming" terms it's called a "learning curve" and it makes it easier to understand and know what's going on.
Hope any of that helps!!! I'm giving it 5 stars. I have yet to come across a story about zombies on this site!
-Courtney
The Echoes

Hi Sammi,
I have to say, this book is brilliant. It's smooth, easy to read, and engaging. I laughed a lot in the first chapter- and then I felt really sad. Still, "Boom. Headshot," was a standout.
Youve obviously thought about the pathology of a zombie infection, and I find it unique and believable (and trust me, I'm kind of a hardass about this). You've also done some gun homework, which I found fun and fascinating to read about, particularly as its from the POV of a teenage girl. I found it at once terribly cute and totally funny to imagine ten-year-old Billie with her Uzzi (should I be disturbed that I feel that way?)
I find your writing style really refreshing. The only critique I have is that your use of the word "whilst" feels out-of-place with your colloquial style. It just doesn't fit with the middle-America teenager I've imagined.
There's obviously huge potential, and I'm looking forward to reading more - let me know when the rest is up!
Elspeth
(Paragon)

This is for the big screen. its entertaining explosive

This is a good read Sammi. Not as comical as Sean of the Dead, but not as serious as 28 Days Later, it sort of fits in the Zombieland bracket of Zombie fiction. In fact I'm surprised the girls aren't quoting "the rules".
And it's this tone that gives your as yet untitled work it's charm. It reads as though you had fun writing it and that translates to the reader, well, to me at least, and after some of the serious stuff I've read recently it's quite a breath of fresh air. There's probably some grammatical and tense errors that I've totally missed, others will be more help on that score, but content wise you are on the right path.
Only one slip up, you describe the zombie hanging onto the pickup as having his arm decapitated. Decapitation is the removal of the head so it doesn't work with other limbs. Maybe amputated?
Hope you post up more, this is a good antidote to the more weighty stuff on here. And yet again I wish I had a bigger bloody shelf!

James

PS If you are studying A levels that puts you here in the UK but you are doing a good job of writing as an American. The question then is are you from the States? And if not how will American readers find your American voice?

There's an element of light heartedness that pervades this even though you haven't gone for a humorous approach and I think it comes from the voice you have given your main character. It's an enjoyable read that's for sure. Title suggestion after Chapter 1: Z-Positive or even Z+

James

Really enjoying this. You need to write more of it. Fast-paced, good characters, and you've worked well with a difficult tense. There was one sentence in the first chapter where you've accidentally switched into past tense, so you might want to go over that. Hopefully the next few chapters will be as good as the first two!

I haven't really got any criticism to make. Your pacing is brilliant. You get in a lot of information but it's done in a way that just sweeps the reader along. The situation and characters are believable and the death of Dad is touching. The scene at the clinic is very vivid. It's also fun. If the Europeans aren't giving America Mad Cow Disease it's Tridoxynol. Poor Mrs Frisby - well she was annoying anyway. You've got humour in there but the plot is serious. I don't really 'do' zombies (except for Shaun) but I think this is very good indeed of the genre.
5 stars and on my watchlist.
Can't think of a non cliche title. Something like When the Games turned Real maybe. I think someone should be able to think of a better one than that though.

Book is a work in progress. Currently with another 4k words written and the rest of the story planned out. No editing done as of yet. Constructive criticism welcomed and wanted. Would also like any non-cliche ideas for a title (please nothing with the word 'zombie' in it!)
Please enjoy! -Sammi x