Oskar the Viking

CHIRG
Hi Jessica,

I ended up reading the whole book and really enjoyed it.

The only questions I really had were over what kind of book your were trying to write. It's somewhere between fiction and education and whilst I enjoyed this concept I'm not sure if publishers and young readers will be so open to it. The obvious step to take would be to flesh out the fiction side of it whilst still including the same level of detail (which really is fantastic). I felt at times too removed from the action and the characters and that some things were presented in a rather cold manner. For example, people do bad things and are not punished - this is almost unheard of children's fiction and I think children would have a hard time not seeing the evil man on the first island or the rival earl on Orkney get their comeuppance.

You also have a habit of telling us what is happening instead of showing it. A lot of speech is narrated rather than laid out for us to read and this felt unnecessary to me. A lot of the plot I really got into and the characters are well drawn and believable but we would grow to like them even more if we had more words from their mouths rather than the narrator's.

Still, I honestly did enjoy the book. It's very nicely written. You have an easy style and manage to keep things flowing well and never over describe things or spend too long on one topic.
I also really enjoyed the historical elements and was pleased I knew a little about certain elements (my mum is a history teacher and has taken me to countless viking sites - we went to Sutton Hoo in July in fact).

If you ever go for the desk I'd be happy to support you. This really is a very good piece of Children's writing. Well done.

Benedict,
p.s. I've sent an email with all my small notes and corrections.

Oskar the Viking

This is a YARG review, a CHIRG review and a return review.

I’ve read the first three chapters. You’ve got the right balance of character, description and story - especially once the family’s voyage begins. Oskar is curious and likeable and you’d probably even get the educational parts past a child without them noticing. I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve added some more detailed notes below but it’s a perfectly good read as it is.

Chapter One

“exciting adventures” Possibly cut “exciting” because it’s implied in “adventures”
I’m a little confused about how old Oskar is. He seems to be little, because he jumps down from the table and runs outside with the dog, then later “skipped down the street.” But then he seems to be thirteen, possibly and ready to sail in two years. Thirteen year old boys don’t skip. I’ve seen them.
I think the word “Oskar” appears to many times. Some of them could be “he”.
I love that the trolls wear knits. What a lovely surprise. In fact, the whole paragraph about what trolls are and what to do about them is rather fabulous.
If you can cut the exclamation marks, then do. Unless they are in dialogue, I think. I know it’s a children’s story but the meaning should be in the words not the punctuation.
“a tough hairy little pony.” Cut “little” because ponies are always small and you’ve got a great description.
Yggdrasil is something I’d never heard of before and now I’ve read two books on here with it. Nothing wrong with that.
“In the distance, they could hear thunder.” If you swap this around it’d be clearer “They could hear thunder in the distance.”
“he had been heating up over the fire.” Here you could show how pleased Oskar or possibly Oskar’s mum are to have him back. They could heat the water up for him. Or maybe Oskar does, I’m not quite sure.

Chapter Two

“a drink of ale.” Or just ale, because there is only one thing he’d do with it.
The gift exchange paragraph is good. Makes perfect sense.
“did nothing to calm him down, quite the opposite.” I’d cut the last part. It’s implied by the first.
Oskar’s relationship with the dog is very sweet but I’d like his appearance to be described.
Got a bit caught up in the story with the curses, the hay and the fire so didn’t make notes until…

Chapter Three

In the paragraph starting “The next few days” the words “enjoyable” and “enjoyed” are too close together. You could substitute one for something else.
“had a big breakfast to cheer themselves up.” Lovely. So they should, what a nice detail.
“his foundations are sitting on the ashes of our old house” Also really nice. This review isn’t turning out to be very helpful, is it?
Oskar’s hand being stuck to the horse is an interesting part of the story. Good and bizarre.

I’m glad to have started reading this. Good stuff, and I’ll return for YALF.

Lucy

Jessica, Yours sounds like a fascinating book. I wonder if you'd like to do a swap?
Syrl Ann Kazlo
Only Winners Bunk Here

I liked the mix of fact and fiction in this book and the detail that goes into it.
It felt to me like something both kids and adults could appreciate.

I felt perhaps there were times when more drama could have been exploited from certain situations but I still read it through in one sitting.

Highly reccomendable.

CHIRG review:

Potential boy-appeal.
I have read the first 2 chapters.
I don't know much about Vikings but this seems well-informed and educational.
I like the ideas of mixing education and fiction - one way to get boys to learn.
I think this could go far but a couple of things which struck me:
- the chapters are very long - perhaps they could be shorted to keep the reader engaged.
- perhaps a bit more action and emotion to keep the reader engaged. There are some quite adult themes in this and it would be good to know more of Oskar's understanding of events and feelings towards them - so that the reader (an older child/ young person) can 'get into his shoes'.
Have you thought about devising a 'glossary of terms' to go at the end of the book to explain all of those Viking terms like 'hustomte', 'julablot celebrations', the 'Ting' etc?
Easy to read and flows.
Well done.

Lisa Abraham
Great Big Safari Park Stories

I know Lucy once said in a YALF review that young readers may get confused on what’s history and what’s fantasy, like the Vikings, which did exist, living alongside trolls which did not. I don’t think children believe trolls exist or would get confused. I don’t actually think they’ll be trying to sort out what’s actual history, they’ll just enjoy the story. Although, this book as it’s written I think appeals to a somewhat older audience than your imagined range of 9-14, particularly because of the rivalry between the chiefs. I also don’t think the trolls are necessary to the story, especially seeing as they don’t actually appear. Actually – what was that creature in a yellow cloak that Oskar saw by the spring? His dad said it was no troll.

Oskar the Viking – YALF/YARG Review Chapters 5 & 6

Having read to the end of chapter six I definitely think that there is too much plot detail in Oskar for this to be a children’s book. However, for a YA novel it needs more flesh, small and adventure. This could be a really grand adventure from the point of view of Oskar – flesh out the villages, the voyage, the boat and the mythology and this has the potential to be the Harry Potter of the Viking world. That means a lot more work, but hey, nothing like a good challenge and at least you have the story and the characters already plotted out. Finally, the only thing really lack with Oskar is detail... it comes through occasionally and just lights up the story. This is probably because of your cross focus between children’s and YA. Extra detail – very good, 4 horns worth on the Odin scale!

Chapter 5:
“...into their new house came...” – perhaps ARRIVED
I like the build and the sowing of the fields and the offering. Again with more flesh these excellent details could build the backbone of a great setting on Orkney.
Food collection is good (could be fascinating if spread through the scene instead of being a block added to fill detail) Whale scene is also like this – great detail that brings Oskar’s world to life.
The laundry line was funny
Did red hair not come from the Vikings??? (Eric the Red???)
More detail would allow more chat with Aoife and develop the friendship into something special
Roman memory was cool (see – detail is good!)
And a genuine page turner for an ending! Make sit feel more YA

Chapter 6:
A change of POV here and we leave Oskar. You could have had the Earl ask for Oskar to attend, this would have added drama and mystery and led into the rune carving.
More detail in the actual carving of runes would have been fascinating.
“...and examined at the designs.” - I don’t think AT belongs here.
A clean chapter with adventure and the boat, hmmm, has potential. Same criticism as before. More detail leads to great story. It would mean chopping the scenes into chapters instead of *** but hey, Thor like, Odin like... more women, more drinking, more adventure... Oskar good, Vikings good.

Here’s an idea. Flesh out Oskar as a fully fledged YA novel, and you can also do a series of children’s books by tackling one scene at a time and having the adventures of Oskar as mini children’s stories.

Best of luck I have enjoyed delving into this and I look forward to you developing this.

PS feel free to ignore any of this – a crusty old unpublished gargoyle is all I am...

:DJ

As Bjorn, Helga, and Oskar sail towards the Orkney Islands, Oskar learns about sailing and fishing – which is a perfect set-up for him wanting a boat of his own later on. They meet a man named Erik who tells them that many have left their homelands out of difficulties in dealing with their chieftains. That suggests some large-scale turmoil is spreading.

I like Sokar and Aoife’s story; how they meet, become friends, and explore together. It’s sweet that Oskar soon has a new puppy to play with, though at times Bo reminds him of Fafnir and he gets a little sad.

Malcolm’s a real troublemaker, but it’s interesting that he accuses Leif of being a weak earl because he’s led no raiding parties. I think there was a part early on in the story when the Vikings of Birka talked about their raiding parties. Vikings were, by most definitions, pirates, and I did think there’d be more talk in the villages of their exploits and conquests.

I’ve just finished reading the last chapter, about the archaeological background of this story. It’s so cool that you link Oskar’s tale to history and real events, like the abandonment of Birka, the silver trading, and the cultural stories of the Vikings. I wish our people played games and told stories around the fire more. This was an awesome story, and its end with the ships leaving Orkney only left me wanting more.

Chapter three on

Enjoyed the sea voyage – full of interesting snippets and so on, and like the story telling, partly because it was something they liked to do. These ‘stories-within-the-story really add something to knowing the people and their background, and are enjoyable and interesting in themselves.

I still thinking the writing is aimed at the lower age – it’s perfect, and I can picture the exact kids in our school who would love it (up to about 13/14?) though I think any age could actually enjoy it, come to think of it.

Oh wow – a kelpie! I loved that bit – but it did raise the question suddenly – is this ‘historical writing’ or fantasy? Now – I love folklore and there well may be kelpies about, but it was still a question. Personally I love how you’re interweaving the two, and how we aren’t quite sure… one way or the other.

I was thinking about the language again, too – ‘wow’ and ‘yuck’ are so very modern they jerked me out of the story for a bit. Just a comment.

They arrive in Orkney – pace and change really well done, you haven’t lost me once yet. The question at the end tells me their troubles are definitely NOT finally over!

I like the way you weave the facts of their lives – like the whale and the feast into a natural story here. I thought at the start, as I mentioned I think, that sometimes I felt you were telling things he’d already know, but that’s not the case any more, it comes over as natural, and part of all that happens to them.

There’s news from ‘home’ about what’s happened, but we stay with them in their new home. I did think that there’d be some reckoning, or return to tie up the ends of what happened at the start, but I’m not sure at this point. I’m enjoying the story of their new life, but think I’d like some kind of resolution.

I think I remember you saying the book started for younger readers and then became ‘older’. I did wonder what your younger readers would think about Oskar growing up and getting married (yuck!) whether that would make them lose interest, but I’m not sure if it would or not, just bringing it up really, for consideration.

Is that the end of the book? Or have you only uploaded part of it? If it was the end, I found it very abrupt, turning over to read more, but there was none. I suppose, though I enjoyed the story, I felt it lacked a tying-up. The events in their original home which meant they had to move, I expected to have some come-back or resolution. Maybe Oskar would return when older, to settle scores etc. something like that.It was a nice recounting of events, but it seemed to lack some kind of arc, where you end up with a feeling of settling, closing the circle, whatever. I felt the story could have gone on to Greenland, recounting their lives, but without a particularly clear purpose, if you see what I mean. So, on the whole, very well written, perfect for audience, with that question about him growing up and marrying, but a little dissatisfaction at the end.

Title is ok with me, did I say?

This is a YALF Review

Oskar the Viking

Chapter Five

The beached whale story is nice - but the part where the woman describes to Oskar how they use every part of it probably isn’t necessary. You go on to describe some of the ways the use it - they store it for winter, smoke it etc. Her dialogue sounds a bit history-bookish and unnatural, and since everyone is in hurry to get to the beach, it stands out as being too slow. I’d rather read about them actually using the whale than be told about its potential uses.

The feast is also nice. I thought this chapter might lack direction because it doesn’t have to same peril as some of the ones before it, but Oskar meets Aoife and there’s a definite feeling of them moving on. If Aoife doesn’t marry Oskar, I’d be surprised.

I’m pleased to see Oskar has a new furry friend. This sort of makes up for Fafnir. It’s sweet that he buys the “poorly dog.” Oskar might not be a full, flawed character, but he’s a very nice little boy.

This is the first chapter to end on a cliff hanger, and we’re left wondering what’s happened in Birka. Whatever it is, it doesn’t sound good.

My impression from reading this chapter isn’t very different from reading those before it. It’s meticulously written and (for all I know) researched, and lots of the details about the family and their lives together are engrossing. There are places where the history and customs are included in a less subtle way - which might or might not put off a younger reader, but it’s a lovely story.

Lucy

YARG/YALF Review cont...

Chapter Three:

Back to Oskar’s POV and that is a good thing.
Dad teaching him about sailing is good.
The detail of the money changing is good – I could do with more of this, but then that depends where you want to sit your book for age…
Died in battle in England – what is your date? Be careful as I’m not sure it was called England here – land of the Britons perhaps or Britannia or Angleland, but England? You should check this.
There are a lot of animals and things on the boat – and while that is OK as we have had no real detailed description of the boat (which has a below deck) it is difficult to imagine. A short brief intro to the boat would ix this in Chapter two or beginning of this chapter and make us feel at home with it as it is now their home.
The Aegir myth is good. The adding of it as part of a conversation is perfect. Something for consideration earlier.
“Bjorn was shouting form the other side…” - Form should be FROM
Kelpie story was cool – could have had more!

Chapter 4:
Stone circle is good – mystical.
“…which hurt as it bounced…” – STUNG would be better than HURT here
I like the idea of graffiti by Vikings!
Place between story and THEY SOON ARRIVED BACK… is a bit too short. We do not see them start back…
Note on the flow here. These two chapters are shorter and more concentrated which flows better. I think I have suggested you chop up your opening two. Compare them to these and you might find the right length and you’ll be on your way, but again, this depends on the audience you eventually decide to aim at. Perhaps you can be super clever and write a children’s version and a YA version of the same book!

YALF
Chapters Three and Four
I haven't very much to say about these two chapters - I enjoyed them very much. You have obviously been busy editing because I really couldn't find any editorial errors. My only comment is perhaps the reader could do with a bit of description of the houses they come across in ch 3 and 4; I'm finding it difficult to imagine what they look like. I don't think you need to put much in but a few little choice snippets would go down a treat.

I found the part with the kelpie a bit strange, if I'm honest. I think it was the sudden change to a fantasy that I found distracting. I didn't feel this earlier with the troll as I assumed it didn't exist. I would see what others think about this aspect, as I may be the only one who thought this.

Jx

CHIRG/YARG and YALF
So far I have read the first two chapters.
Jessica, I think this has great potential. I like the subject matter very much and I really like the way you write. You have a simple, direct style which is perfect for the age group you are aiming at. I like the subject matter as well. I have a couple of suggestions which I think will make a strong story even better, but please ignore if you don't agree, as it's just my inexpert opinion.
Your chapters appear long to me - it might be that it is just because I'm reading on a screen, but I have the feeling you could cut them down and still retain your unique voice. Children have short concentration spans and if you split chapters one and two into two parts, you will keep them entertained and keep the story rolling. I do think the pace is slow at the start, although I love the way you write - there is quite a lot of detail here and it perhaps might be a bit much for the 9+ year old. Perhaps you could intersperse it with more direct dialogue and thoughts/feelings from Oskar, so we engage with him more.
Based purely on the first two chapters, I think you should write the whole story from Oskar's point of view. This story would be great with him as the main character. Children would really identify with him if they could see things through his eyes. I notice some scenes involve his dad and I feel that Oskar needs to be involved in these in some way. Perhaps there are more cases of eavesdropping and maybe his dad can take him with him on trips to see the king or something like that. I think you need to find ways to include him in the action and make sure the action revolves around him. You could also make more of the scene where he's looking for his dog - that's a really sad moment and you can milk it a bit more. Any child would feel for Oskar at this point.
I'm enjoying the read very much.
Back soon.
Julia

Oskar the Viking – YALF/YARG Review
This is a good start to a tale and I am enjoying the potential… but who is your audience? You seem to be floating between two – for the younger this is too detailed and for the older not detailed enough. I would go older and flesh out your tale. You have a lot happening and a lot of potential in this tale. Use your knowledge and be brave!

I like your title and I think you should use it and make Oskar the star. I've mentioned a few areas in chapter two where you can easily draw him into the action as our semi-narrator to fix your POV problems, because I do agree with others that it is not settled, but then I have only just begun...

Having said that, the language is nicely simple, so I’m feeling that this is for a younger audience. If so shorter chapters would be better. The younger your pitch, the more likely I would split chapter one in two… just before Bjorn comes home. Use the first as a draw with mythology build interspersed in your village life. The rest with Bjorn adds the trading and troll action which is a good chapter on its own.

Chapter One:
“…he was woken up by a…” – don’t need UP here
“… the rest of Sweden…” – ‘all over Sweden’ – or ‘all across Sweden’
Is this a fable – if so good, I like it, but should you tell the reader this… I’m not sure, but it does add some magic to the story and Vikings loved their fables… OK so reading on, more fables, but it sounds like belief… hmmm. Could you drop in a line about fables here? Just to cement it in the minds of the readers, especially if this is YA with no obvious background to the link.
Just a suggestion, but I really liked the tale from Oskar’s mother. If you opened with this, it would create that land of myths that is the Viking world. Then Oskar wakes up with all that in his head, sees and ordinary world, but comes across the troll and the well, linking the tales into his everyday psyche.
“…reluctantly slowed down a little…” – I don’t think you need the A LITTLE at the end here
The explanation of the coins was good
“What Troll…” – I don’t think you need the explanation tag here. We all know his dad was away
Speeches should be wrapped in “…”, not ‘…’
I thought you could have ended the chapter at – “and he had a bad feeling about it.”
Great page turner and the rest can be used later.

Chapter Two:
Here’s your POV thing… Bjorn goes to see Disa… if you want wonder, take Oskar along… it depends on your intention, but for a younger audience the witch through Oskar’s eyes could be really good. He is 12, so Bjorn should be taking him. In Viking times he should be being trained to be a man. Also, keeping from Oskar’s POV grounds the simpler language you have so nicely used.
The witch thing is good, but then you beak and say ONE MORNING. This sounds like some time later. I’m not sure of your time line here, but I think you could make it feel like the same day, as Oskar and Bjorn leave the witch they head to the craftsman quarter. Just tightens it up and adds flow, otherwise there is a leap, which would almost signify a new chapter.
“When it got close enough…” – when it drew close enough
You could draw us into the long house here with a nice description, as they are quite different and you are assuming we all know what one looks like… I would have loved a feast here too, with a large central hearth, the cooking of a whole animal, beer and tales… the tales could link back to your opening and the trolls and the black magic – this could be really juicy and vivid.
The Ting should happen quicker, you have a few things happening here that all link to this council. Also if you want it from Oskar’s point of view, as a cheeky 12 year old he could easily sneak in under the table or watch the proceedings through a gap in the wattle and daub wall!!!
Also, describe our Vikings from a boys view, bigger hairier armour… take us inside the world and give us flesh we can roast in our long houses…
The feast – was there a rock band, was Bruce the boss Ungersteen backing Bjorn and Benny… give me more… I want to smell the hay and sneeze, and the sweat and feel the sticky beer on the base of my leather shoes…
And now we’re in the POV of Oskar again, I now think as it should be…
Ooo, action, good stuff, a thief and a fight… and blood... and a fire… cool, but if we knew what the house was made of it would feel more dangerous.
‘… stayed at the grave…” – stayed by the grave
‘…then we’ll head towards to the Orkneys…” – remove the TO
OK, lots of action here and that is good, but I could have used a neat and short description of their boat, because boats are important to Vikings, and the reader should feel a part of this. Again the chapter could easily be split in two. You only have 10 chapters. Why not have 20. There is nothing in the action of this chapter preventing this.

I'll be back...

:DJ

YALF review part one.

Firstly, I want to say what an engaging read it is. I felt pulled in and involved very quickly. It’s an easy style to read and enjoy. The way its written is I feel, if asked, aimed at a younger end of reader, and you have tagged it ‘childrens/YA’ I felt it would be great for readers without a massive vocabulary who want to enjoy a good story.

I think Oskar’s age is about right at the start – 12. Although at first I thought he was a bit younger because of what he says and how he relates to people, and because of how tired he was after the story. I’d have put him at 9 or 10 at the most.

I wasn’t sure about the word ‘dad’ – it seemed a bit modern. ‘Father’ maybe? Or is that not familiar enough. I’m not widely versed in Viking culture. Should the word ‘god’ should have a capital? Thor, the God of thunder?

I liked all the folk beliefs that you introduced and think readers will like them. They induce a strong sense of place and custom too. I did feel, however, that mum was explaining a bit much – Oskar would have heard this before and it felt a little bit like ‘explaining for the viewer/reader’ - eg: Thor’s weapon … ‘always returns to his hand…’ Thor’s carriage, which is drawn by two rams…’ Not sure how you’d get round this, except, perhaps by her telling it more obviously – eg: ‘Thor’s chariot, drawn by the two rams…’ or ‘Thor’s hammer making lightning, swinging back to his hand before each strike…’ or something, I don’t know. I just became aware of you telling me things. Weaving it in more seamlessly would be smoother. Assume your readers already know all you are telling them and then you should manage to slip it in more naturally. Might just be me.

I liked the mix of reality and fantasy with the sighting of the troll. Of course, it’s (probably) not a troll (not sure where you’re going with it yet) but it shows perfectly Oskar’s mind and thinking.

The pace is good for your target readership – lots has happened by chapter two, we know a lot, and you’ve set up some action and mystery.
As to the viewpoint query you mentioned. It isn’t in first person, so I don’t see why Oskar should be there all the time at all. Even by chapter two, we’ve gone with Bjorn to see Disa, so it’s clearly an omniscient narrator, so I shouldn’t worry about that.

I though the switch from the first part of chapter two to ‘One morning when Oskar and Bjorn…’ I wanted to feel a little of Bjorn’s reaction to the news of the curse, having just been told such disturbing news, and maybe time the morning to shortly after, so rather than ‘one morning….’ Give an indication of how long after the preceding section it is.

Another small thing – but his dad has his bath as soon as he’s finished hugging everyone ‘with the hot water he’d been heating up over the fire.’ – when would he do that? Best just to say water heated over the fire maybe.

Chapter two was exciting, with the curse falling and the business with the hay. Enjoyed the description of the feast – btw, isn’t Longhouse’ one word?

Thinking about the title – I quite like it at this point. I haven’t read enough to know how far away from Oskar the story might go, but so far, it centres around him and his family, so the title is ok. Again depends on the age group as the current title could sound quite young, but that’s good if that is what you are after.

‘Right, have to stop for now. Really enjoying this so far.

This is a YALF Review of Chapter Four

This doesn’t need much close crit, I don’t think so I’ve looked at some other things instead.

In Chapter Four, we move between Helga’s pov, “she wanted to get on dry land” to Oskar’s and his father’s, “they assumed to be burial mounds…” To get the reader to feel closer to Oskar, it might help to keep very tightly within just his pov. Mostly, this wouldn’t be too difficult to change - but obviously it wouldn’t be possible in the scenes he’s absent from.

The dialogue is quite formal (although not stilted necessarily) and the historical/landscape aspect of the story already make it a different kind of read from some of the others we’ve been looking at recently. To really bring us into this world, we need more Oskar. Sometimes I feel like it’s more book than story.

The part about the gods contrasts with the part about trolls at the beginning. Bjorn is describing here what they believe (and is understandably describing it as though it’s fact). The problem with the trolls is that it’s more like they exist within the reality of the story - is it real or fantasy? I still love the trolls in their knits though.

Their living arrangements, and in particular their conversation with Erik about Bjorn’s skills are possibly too close to being told about Viking history. Apart from being a Viking family, what else are these characters? Oskar loved his dog and he’s a good boy, and his parents are kind but a bit flat. If you wanted to make this more of a story, they could do with having flaws and stuff. This is an interesting way to learn about Vikings, and I think children would enjoy it more than a dry lesson - but in places I think it could have more elements of storyline.

I’ll read on.

Lucy

YALF/YARG review
Jessica,
I've read through chapter four of Oskar and wanted to go ahead and comment. I'll preface by saying that this is just my own opinion. You asked on the YALF forum about point of view, and the intended age group is 9-14. For me, as I was reading, I had a bit of trouble feeling a connection with Oskar, and I think it had to do with POV. Though most of the story is told from his POV, it is distant and we don't get very deep into his thoughts and feelings on things. The portions that showed other points of view might be a bit 'adult' for your audience. Again, these are just my own feelings.

One thing that stuck out to me is the lack of other kids for Oskar to interact with, and not just when he is with his family on the boat. The only other adolescent in the first three chapters is Anund's son, and Oskar only interacts with him once. I like that Oskar is close with his parents, but it might not hurt for him to have more interaction with others his age, maybe even a friend he has to leave behind.

I have to wonder, along with Lucy, if the stories of the gods, Thor and the sea god and such, have never been told to Oskar before–with the Thor story at least, it seems that this is new information, and it seems that there would have been plenty of opportunities for him to hear this story before now.

I wondered as I read if the lands where the story takes place were already called by their modern names back then. You are the history expert though, but it did make me stop and wonder, so I thought I'd mention it.

This is well-written and enjoyable, and I liked the historical elements, but I'm just not hooked yet in terms of feeling a connection to the characters and wanting to know what happens next. However, I'm only one reader, and not your target audience. Hopefully something here is helpful, though. Best wishes.
Kate

This is a YALF Review

Oskar The Viking

This isn’t close crit, I’ve tried to answer your YALF questions instead this time. I’ve re-read the first three chapters so far. I didn’t notice any mistakes, a few places I might have cut a word or something but nothing more than that.

The title is nice, and although it suggests Oskar is the main character (which he is, obviously) I don’t think that has any bearing on whether he should be in every scene. If it’s his story and his journey, it makes sense that the book is named after him. It’s simple and memorable. I’ve always known Oskar The Viking is Jessica’s book.

If you want a children’s book about Vikings, there won’t be so many to chose from. That’s a real strength, I think, especially if you want it in this age group and this well-written. I’ll never forgive you for what happens to Fafnir, though, especially that part about him chasing sticks in the afterlife. I’d have cried myself to sleep if this had been my bedtime story.

I was one of your reviewers who wasn’t sure how old Oskar is. In Chapter One, we find out he’s twelve. It’s clear that he’s not the small boy I thought when I read this before. There are other ways you could build on this and show him being an older boy - his age as a number leaves no doubt though, and if this has been a difficult characteristic to work out then it’s a firm solution.

For example, Oskar is saving up for something he really, really wants. The little Oskar I imagined reading this before, would want a toy ship or something, perhaps. But if he wanted something more mature (a knife? - that would lead into his father‘s gift later) my mind could be changed about his age early on - without needing a number.

“combs for your beard” could be followed with some remark that would give another clue. Okay, no beard yet but he’d be somewhat closer at twelve or thirteen than say seven or eight. Perhaps Egil could tease him about that? Young teenagers, even Viking ones, would be embarrassed.

“and he could hardly sit still” This has the opposite effect and would make me think Oskar is younger again. But, you’ve said he’s twelve and nothing would make me think that wasn’t the case. It’s not contradictory.

Also, has his mother, in all their twelve years together, never told him about trolls and thunder and things?

If I were a child reading this, I might at times be confused about what’s fantasy and what’s history. Did Vikings exist? Yes. At the same time as there were trolls? Er well, no… It’s educational and that’s great and it’s entertaining too but sometimes it risks being muddied a bit. Having said that, if young readers believe there used to be trolls, I’m all for it.

At the point I’ve left it, Oskar and his family are just about to arrive in Orkney. In terms of the plot, despite this being relatively heavy on the history stuff, quite a lot has happened. I’ll read on.

Lucy

Yarg reviewer

history down the line we are sweedish and i enjoy viking tales. you can tell in the story that you know your material, i loved the charecters the story was great one of the stories where you go i read this chapter so soon? keep it up ! if i tried to write a viking story i couldn't pull it off half this well i like creative charecter names as well bjorn is my favorite by far

CHIRG
Jessica this is absolutely lovely. the last chapter is also very useful and gives a lot of information that is both interesting and exciting.
i like the story a lot lots of descriptions and local colour weaving through make it very enjoyable. i think maybe the reader would like to see pictures of the runes that would give the story a bit of extra depth.
good luck with this hope it does really well. am stuck for a spot on the shelf at the moment but bear with me it will go up!
:)
diane

YARG Review Oskar the Viking by Jessica Wilkinson

I've read the first two chapters of Oskar the Viking and wanted to share my thoughts with you.

The story is well-written and you've obviously put a lot of effort into the historical research. I like the character of Oskar. I'm guessing that he's around twelve. He's a believeable twelve-year old boy.

There are some areas where you could improve the story.
First I would decide what age group to target with the story. Any potential agent of editor will ask you this question. If the answer is under-fourteen, then there are areas of the story I find disturbing. It seems as if you are condoning drunkeness, religious persecution, and robbery. If you are targeting children, I would remove these references. If you are targeting young adults, you should find some way of assuring the reader that these acts are not appropriate. For example, Oskar, if his character has any sense of morality, shouldn't find the raiding story exciting and fun. He should have a niggling doubt in his mind about the wrongness of attacking unarmed monks, killing five of them and stealing their valuables, including their bibles. Likewise, he should have a sense of unease about Sten Sveinsson's drunken brawl and how all of the adults got drunk at the feast.

The story is told from Oskar's point of view. Since that's the case, he must a witness to all the scenes. If he didn't accompany his dad to meet with Disa, or to the Ting, then you should convey those scenes as dialogue, i.e., Bjorn's telling of the action to Helga after the fact, while Oskar eavesdrops.

Lastly, it's important to entice the reader with a hook at the beginning of the story. Perhaps his dream could be much more action-filled or scary. Maybe he sees a troll, or Thor in his dream. Or you could start with the hay accusation and tell the introductory stuff as flashbacks.

I wish you the best of luck with this project!

Laura Emmons
Seeing Magic
Healing Hands

typos list:
Chapter 1
para. starts "'He dressed up as": missing word - maybe "went to marry"?
Chapter 2
para. starts "Erik cradled the little" who's Erik?

great setting. you tell it with skill, too using a very readable narrative style...
backed...
SEASONS...

Jessica, I think you write beautifully. I thoroughly enjoyed the opening chapter, and though it's true that this is in part educational, I don't think it detracted from the story - especially the mystery of the person by the spring. I think that boys' in particular will enjoy this book, with your method of explaining how things were made back then, and of Oskar carving his own toy boat with his own knife. The only whinge - and it's a very small one - is that I think this would work better being split into shorter chapters. Highly-starred.
M.J

Oskar the Viking

I enjoyed reading the story of Oskar. Your narrative skills are good and you describe events very well. You throw in lots of Viking mythology, I’d heard of Thor before but not his father Odin. The characters are good but would be better with more dialogue. In general, I think you should replace some of the narration with dialogue - “Don’t Tell, Show. Use Dialogue and Incident, Not Long Narrative.”

The final chapter is great, providing an easy to read historical background.

With dialogue,
“‘Now?’, asked Oskar’s mum.” shouldn’t have a comma.
“‘If I do it now, I don’t have to worry about it’, said Björn.” should be “‘If I do it now, I don’t have to worry about it,’ said Björn.”
You have placed a comma after a quotation mark throughout your book and it should be inside (if needed).

In chapter 1 you have a word “worriy” which I assume should be “worry”.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Jess,

A YARG review. I started at Chapter 7 and read forward. Here goes:

Chapter 7:
-In the first paragraph, I would suggest reordering the second sentence to remove the word “soon”. It seems out of place. Maybe try: “Before they knew it, Oskar and his family had lived in Orkney for two years.”
-In paragraph 4, let’s try to get rid of the “had had” with “…found Knut after [his] bath, and not before”
-Midway down, there is a quotation mark out of place in: “…greedy and ruthless man,[“] replied Bjorn(‘)”
-This chapter seemed like a short story all to itself. The entire story of the brooch is introduced, stolen, returned, etc…. I liked it. It’s a nice, compact writing style.

Chapter 8:
-When talking about taking Oskar’s ship out, I mentally jumped ahead and thought he meant to sail to Greenland rather than to the Oracle.
-Eighth paragraph – the description “right area of the island” is a little weak. Right as in direction? Area could use a little more too.
-Nine paragraphs down, you repeat “the man the man” in a line.
-I enjoyed the way that Oskar was disappointed when he thought that Aoife meant their wedding wouldn’t be a good thing. That was funny, and really believable.
-A paragraph right before the feast when Bjorn returns to tell of the Oracle, there is a little example of some wordiness that can be eliminated. I would drop “go and” from the line: “…Bjorn left to (go and) see the earl…” You might check through the rest at some point to see if other extraneous words can be deleted.
-At the dance, you talk about Oskar and the earl’s son. In the next line, you say “he was quick to ask”, which could be easily thought to be the earl’s son.
-The wedding idea seemed to come on pretty quickly. Earlier in the chapter, they are not ready. Then, after Malcom’s new tax and the son’s interest, and the sudden question about betrothal, they are ready to share the oracle. I understand that. But maybe just spending a little longer on Oskar and/or Aoife’s thoughts would be helpful.

Chapter 9:
-This was just a skim. I was surprised to see the wedding go off smoothly. I had a feeling that the earl’s son might try something to stir up trouble. I see that you worked in some excellent emotions of anxiety and nervousness.

I like your story. I honestly don’t know enough about children’s literature to be able to comment well enough on the tone and age appropriateness of the story. It certainly felt appropriate, and I remember liking the earlier chapters too. I just hope you get something useful from my comments.

All the best,
-Chris
Game Changer

Oskar the Viking by Jessica Wilkinson

The troll was an unexpected plot twist. Then, you weave information about the gods in through storytelling. Effective.

You've included a lot of details about the daily life of Vikings. Young people will learn a great deal as they read.

Oskar and Fafnir are a likable pair. They have the potential for so many adventures together, beginning with the troll. You could actually write an entire chapter on that experience, allowing Oskar to investigate rather than head home.

Good cliff hanger at the end of the first chapter. It adds enough mystery that the reader will continue to learn more.

Things to consider changing before seeking a publisher:

Consider putting a little more action into your pitch. Really hook the reader with startling information. The sentence about the curse might be a better hook.

Eliminate all unnecessary words - example: Change the words ' woken up' in the first sentence of your novel to awakened.


Go lighter on the exclamation points and use stronger nouns and verbs instead.

A friend offered a great piece of advice when she recommended Noah Lukeman's, The First Five Pages. He's a literary agent with years of experience in the business and he offers advice on what agents look for to toss a manuscript.

'to' should be 'too' in Fafnir and I look for amber almost every day to among. . .

Would a thirteen year old boy really just say that he saw a troll and let it go? Aren't there boys and girls his age that he could share the story with first? Perhaps let them go looking for the troll, as thirteen year olds would do.

Consider making Oskar more actively involved. Right now, he's rather passive and his parents play the active role. Oskar, could for instance, tell the story about Odin to children in the community.

CHRG
Jessica! What a wonderful tale you've created. You teach so much without 'lessons'--a perfect experience for children to learn with. I know I'll never look at a whale again, without remembering all the uses one contains. (smiles) Your cast of characters are 'real' and the conversations and actions flow beautifully. Six stars and I'm leaving with a smile over your way of sharing your imagination.
Linda
Daniel Simmons Journey
and
Children Walking with Jesus

YARG!

Hi Jessica!

So first off - well done! Your subject matter expertise has shown through brilliantly, and I found myself learning a lot as I read through the first two chapters of OSKAR THE VIKING!

In Chapter One, I found myself not being quite clear as to the difference between a king and a chieftan. As I read further, I deduced that a chieftan manages a small community while a king rules over a larger land, but it had me confused for a bit. If nobody else has had this problem, though, I wouldn't worry too much about it. :)

The plot is really fun and interesting, and you start off with really great inciting incidents that propel you into the story, so good job on that front!

In Chapter Two, I was a bit befuddled by the Ting. I have to admit, I kept thinking it was a spelling error. I thought you meant "king," since you were obviously speaking of some sort of body of authority. Do you think it might make it a little clearer if you put the description of the Ting after the first time it's mentioned? It might alleviate some confusion.

The only other thing I noticed was Bjorn saying "Too make me look guilty, of course!" when it should be "to."

Other than that, I was very much drawn into the story of Oskar and his family. (Poor Fafnir!!)

I'm so glad I finally got around to this - I can totally see this book being used as part of a school curriculum, with all the knowledge it has to offer!

Best,

Artie
CAPTAIN

CHIRG
Hi Jessica,

I ended up reading the whole book and really enjoyed it.

The only questions I really had were over what kind of book your were trying to write. It's somewhere between fiction and education and whilst I enjoyed this concept I'm not sure if publishers and young readers will be so open to it. The obvious step to take would be to flesh out the fiction side of it whilst still including the same level of detail (which really is fantastic). I felt at times too removed from the action and the characters and that some things were presented in a rather cold manner. For example, people do bad things and are not punished - this is almost unheard of children's fiction and I think children would have a hard time not seeing the evil man on the first island or the rival earl on Orkney get their comeuppance.

You also have a habit of telling us what is happening instead of showing it. A lot of speech is narrated rather than laid out for us to read and this felt unnecessary to me. A lot of the plot I really got into and the characters are well drawn and believable but we would grow to like them even more if we had more words from their mouths rather than the narrator's.

Still, I honestly did enjoy the book. It's very nicely written. You have an easy style and manage to keep things flowing well and never over describe things or spend too long on one topic.
I also really enjoyed the historical elements and was pleased I knew a little about certain elements (my mum is a history teacher and has taken me to countless viking sites - we went to Sutton Hoo in July in fact).

If you ever go for the desk I'd be happy to support you. This really is a very good piece of Children's writing. Well done.

Benedict,
p.s. I've sent an email with all my small notes and corrections.

YARG review and return read. Sorry this took so long.

Hi Jessica,

I like this first chapter. It gives me a lot of info without feeling like an info-dump and it introduces me nicely to the setting and the beginning of the story. Very good set up.

Some suggestions on this chapter...

Chapter 1:
- “kitchen area” I’d cut “area” it sounds weird
- No comma after “spices for his mum”
- “you could travel across” I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t travel anywhere. Don’t address the reader like this unless it’s something the reader could do. And even then I caution against it. I’d say “one could travel” here
- “His thoughts of travel and foreign…” I’d put this sentence in the next paragraph right before the dialogue. So it’ll say, “…by his mum. ‘Oskar!...”
- No comma after “chair was very old”
- “chieftan had died” “had” is unnecessary here. It would sound better without it.
- Okay this is starting to annoy me, so I’ll mention it now. It feels like about 90% of your sentences start with the noun. It’s a little repetitive – and not in a good, artistic way. I think you need a little more variation. So many sentences start with subject-verb. It reads like a log of actions. Also, try not to use Oskar’s name so much. Go for the pronoun whenever you can.
- No comma after “with one hand’
- Comma after “bowl over to Fafnir”
- “took the bowl off them” I’d say “took the bowl from them”
- “Oskar and Fafnir went to the craftsmen’s…” this sentence should start the next paragraph. It doesn’t fit here.
- Don’t start two sentences with “Sometimes” in the same paragraph.
- “You never knew what might happen.” That’s right, I never would know… Don’t address the reader here. Say “He never knew” so that it’s specific to the story and not vague. Make it specific to Oskar.
- No comma after “into his pouch”
- “men who were busy repairing” you can shorten this and cut out the “to be” verb by saying “the men busy repairing”
- “in the west” this is a specific location so west should be capitalized
- “and were hoping” the “to be” verb is super passive. It’s best to cut it out when possible, I think. I’d say “and hoped to return”
- You keep saying things like “could tell” “noticed” and other things that describe what Oskar is noticing and doing. It would be better (or should I say, stronger) to instead plant yourself so thoroughly in Oskar’s head that instead of saying “Oskar could tell that it was getting close to lunchtime” you can just say “it was getting close to lunchtime” and we’ll understand that the realization comes from Oskar. Telling us that he “can tell” or understands something is overtelling. Show us his thoughts; don’t explain to us that they’re happening.
- You use version of the “to be” verb a ton. I’d say, cut back on those. They are super passive and slow down the pace of your writing. They make it bland instead of exciting. Try to weed those out. Always go for the stronger verb.
- “when they were all sitting by” here’s an example of what I said above. It’s stronger to say “when they all sat by the hearth” and cut out the “were”
- “was why you had” don’t use second person. In a book that is relatable to people, it’s ok, but you’re book is not relatable. I’m not a Viking, so I cannot do these things. This feels like you’re trying to pull me into a story that I’m not part of. I’ll stop commenting on the second person usage now, but if I were you, I’d cut it out entirely.
- Italicizing “hustomte” and “julablot”: my thought is don’t. I noticed you studied archaeology (awesome I worked at an anthro and archaeology museum and took some courses) and so I understand why you’re doing this. In an anthro paper I would italicize these words. I’d say, maybe put it in italics the first time for emphasis, but not afterward. Let it become part of the world of the story. When it’s in italics, it stands out a lot and feels separate and strange.
- “as they were approaching it” I’d make this “as they approached it” – I’ll stop commenting on phrases like this. You have a lot of them and it’s very easy to take the “to be” verb out and convert the “ing” verb into the main verb
- Comma after “mum was sewing”
- No comma after “war against the giants”
- No comma after “trolls will be scared too”
- No comma after “opened his bag”
- No comma after “made on the island”
- I think it would be best to have a comma after “had a few more things”
- Typo: “seeing were they were going” should be “where”
- Comma after “It was dressed in a yellow cloak”
- No comma after “bit as quietly as possible”
- At the end of the chapter you switch to Oskar’s dad’s POV and it’s very jarring. I think you should stay in Oskar’s perspective. Especially since the book is called “Oskar the Viking”. Keep it in how Oskar sees things and interprets his dad’s expressions.

I hope these are helpful as you continue working!

All the best,
Anna-Lara

CHIRG review

I love the Picts and Vikings.
It is obvious you have a background in this era and your use of language creates a flavour and feel that matches the culture.

It has been mentioned to you in previous comments I note that you use characters names too often.

I feel that sometimes there is a use of description it seems to try and educate the reader about the tools/food/clothes/ housing that perhaps could be a added in later more smoothly so it doesn't appear to be an information dump.

I would definitely read this, high stars.

Hi, Jessica. I’m giving some feedback on chapter one of “Oskar the Viking”. I like the title well enough. The short and long pitch are fine.

Okay, the first thing I notice is you tend to repeat names a bit, which is okay because I do it myself. Example: “Oskar was in the middle of a vivid dream… Oskar turned over and tried to get back to sleep… Oskar loved everything to do with ships.” When editing my books I try not to repeat a name more than once in a paragraph, so you might want to change it to, “Oskar was in the middle of a vivid dream… HE turned over and tried to get back to sleep… HE loved everything to do with ships.”

“the craftsmen’s quarter was already filled with hustle and bustle.” That seems like more of a modern expression, hustle & bustle. It’s a very small point, but it sort of takes me out of the Viking Era and reminds me this is the 21st century. Does that make sense? … Having what seems to me to be a modern expression in the Viking Era doesn’t really fit. But I may be wrong.

“Oskar promised.” You say Oskar six times in that paragraph, so you might want to try re-writing it to make it more concise.

“Oskar was carving a boat.” You might want to say “toy boat”.

I like all the talk about Thor and the Viking mythology, makes me think of Thor/The Avengers. So when you say stuff I think, “Hey, I’ve heard of that!”

I like the end of chapter one. The creature ads some mystery to what’s going on and encourages the reader to read more. If you’d like to return the read, I have two books – “Waiting for the Rain”, which is young adult/romance, and “German Derelict”, which is action adventure. If you don’t have a preference between the two, I’d appreciate feedback on “German Derelict” the most since it needs the most work. Also I'm sorry I don't read three plus chapters like a lot of people on here, I'm a slow reader and I try to be thorough in giving feedback.

-- Shaun Holt --
Waiting for the Rain / German Derelict

Hi Jessica, this is a return YARG read

I love Viking books and this has not disappointed. You give good description - I could picture the house and island easily in chapter 1. You also paint a great picture of Viking life and beliefs and I like the way you've described this - you have obviously done a great deal of research to get this right. I also liked the description of Lindisfarne from the Viking point of view.
I did feel though that there was too much detail in chapter 1 and the story doesn't really get going till chapter 2. Personally, I would think about starting with Chapter 2 and add the detail and information about viking life in later chapters once the reader is already hooked into the story. And it is a great story, with suspense, intrigue and plenty of adventure. I'm picturing my nieces and am sure they would love it!
I'm looking forward to reading more of it and wish you luck
Karen
An Ill Wind

YARG Review

Hi Jessica, I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your book, though, depending on your target audience this chapter may be too long. Your writing flowed nicely and was good. I did not find any grammaticacl errors to point out, but I felt like something was laking. I suspect it may be sensory detail that I was missing. There were parts where you could inject little tidbits without having to do much work--like with the porridge, was it hot? how did it taste? was it sweet or did it smell good etc. The air and the forest--how did they smell? was the air cool? etc.
In the very beginning, I like that Oscar tries to pick up where he left off in his dream... now I know I'm not the only one who does that :)

I did find a typo toward the end in the paragraph beginning with... The family's secret hiding place... you have were instead of where

Instead of saying they could hear an owl in the distance try... an owl hooted (or screeched )nearby...(again... sensory details.)

Overall I think you have a really great start. I wish you well and hope that I can come back for more soon :)

Geneva ~Escaping Shady Lane~

YARG review

Hi Jessica,
I started this book because of a recent trip I'd taken to Sweden. What a surprise. This is an excellent children's book! It's extremely well written for kids. I usually find some grammar mistakes or something in the first chapter of a book, something to mention. There's none of that here. Very well written and a highly entertaining story to boot. In the first chapter I've learnt more about Norse methology than I've ever picked up any where else. I'm so glad that I took the time to read this.

One thing you should consider doing, because I think this is more a childrens book (although I could see it appealing to young adults too, and maybe older kids such as myself), is maybe make the chapters a bit shorter. I see this as a story I would have read to my kids before they went to sleep. But the chapters are a bit long for that.

Very enthralling though. Going out to bury the family riches, seeing the troll, which apparently is something else. It's great.

On my trip to Sweden I was told about an island with an ancient medieval walled city, where there is now a university with an archaelogy school. Did you go there? No matter. You've done an excellent job of this, I can't say enough about it. Well done!

Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

A vivid dream. That needs fixing. We don`t remember our dreams at awoken at times but vividity does not play a part in that. A scary dream or funny dream would work, or something down those lines

YARG - chap1

I don't have a lot to offer on this one either as far as crits go

i liked the creativity in this... trolls, curses, and magic... and a weird, smelly pouch with bones in it.... excellent so far

cheers for now,
Jaclyn
It Never Happened

Hi Jessica,
YARG Review / CHIRG Review

First off, great characterisation! We immediately begin to learn about Oskar's personality, and his desires and hopes. You also manage to put the "information" of where he lives and who he lives with in a very desirable manner, where most writers feel the need to break away from the story to tell these things you manage to incorporate it in the hook. Great accomplishment!
At first I was a little put off by the simplicity of your writing, but then I began again (after remembering this was for a child's eyes) and found it enthralling.
What I further loved was the immediate sense of wonder and fantasy that is embedded in Oskar's world - the appearance and talk of the troll from the beginning creates a marvellous enticement for the reader to keep reading.

However, I did notice this about your opening:
1) The comma in the first sentence "Oskar was in the middle of a vivid dream[,] when he was woken" could be omitted - as there is no need for a pause here. I understand this makes the first sentence a little lengthy then, so I might think about introducing the story with something slightly punchier. But then again, it all depends on what the author wants in these situations! And I claim no higher knowledge at all!

Great work, Jessica! I feel a likeable connection to Oskar's curious and slightly rebellious nature.

Best wishes,

This is a CHIRG review, as well as a YARG (Young Adult Reading Group) review:

I read the first two chapters, and thought it was a very enjoyable read. The opening chapter was especially fun and interesting for me. I've always loved Greek mythology, though I've never read much about the Norse legends. I thought the stories you told and the creatures you included were really fascinating. I loved the concept of the hustomte, and that they would protect the farms in return for leaving some food out for them. It reminded me of leaving cookies out for Santa as a child, except Santa never did anything to stop troll attacks (Slacker). I liked that trolls exist here, and that they're basically old, plump little men who flee at the sound of thunder.
The second chapter wasn't quite as fun for me, though that's to be expected, considering all of the grim stuff that occurs in that chapter.

I did have a couple very minor suggestions to make as I read:
I saw a typo in long pitch: “explaines”
I thought the line “Fafnir ran up to him and sat next to him on the bench, impatiently waiting for him”
could be tightened up a bit, as there were a few too many “to him” or “for him” references. I might say something along the lines of “Fafnir trotted over and sat next to him on the bench, looking up at him expectantly.”
The line “Oskar's mum looked stern, and he could tell that she was very serious” seemed to be overexplaining to me. For me, I would say something more straightforward, like, “Oskar's mum had a serious look in her eyes.”

Overall, I think this is a very entertaining and well-told story, filled with imagination and set in a world I'd definitely like to know more about.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless (YARG)
What, the Elf? (YARG / CHIRG)

I've read the first three chapters and enjoyed the story so far. The details of the characters, their surroundings and lifestyle all fall into place with ease and the story moves along at a good pace. I think the tale of Fafnir as Oskar's close friend and companion and his early demise draw the reader into the story, encourage empathy with Oskar and his family and create that all important point where you want to read more and find out what happens. A very good start and well written. High star rating and on watchlist for further reading. Janet.

Janet/Helen
The Stranger in my Life

Jessica,
YARG review.
You really have us feeling for your characters, and the bits of suspense, action and learning are all solid. I feel interested and sympathetic to your MC and his family, which is great. It’s an engaging read.
The following are some comments as I read through the first two chapters:

Chapter 1:
-C1, P5, The initial descriptions are all great and set the scene nicely. The only thing that I thought might have gone a little too far was saying “the last chieftain had died from old age in his bed the previous year.” The ‘in his bed’ part seemed like just a little too much extraneous information. Saying old age is enough to connote that it was a peaceful death, which is what I assume you were going for.
-C1, P8, similarly, I think you can drop “lots of” from the line “busy sawing out lots of little bits that would be slotted…”
-You really know your Norse mythology. That was very entertaining, as I had forgotten a lot of those details. It was sweet how mum told the story until Oskar fell asleep. You have set the scene around the village very well.
-You have a nice little bit of suspense at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 2:
-I like the way you jump right into the story behind the strange bag of herbs and bones. The lines of dialogue flow nicely. You do a good job of telling the story through dialogue, which is more entertaining than just dumping info in the text.
-The part about Anund offering money instead of a gift was intriguing. You might have gone a little too far overboard describing why gifts were more important/useful than money, but it was a fascinating point about their culture.
-Oh, a set up. Someone put the hay in Bjorn’s barn. That’s a nice bit of suspense. And then the fight. This chapter gets more interesting as it goes along.
-It was sad to see the king and the others turn on the family. You have made the reader feel real sympathy for them all – and hope for revenge on Anund.


I am enjoying the story. I would only suggest that you maybe try to work in a little more dialogue. Your side stories like the mythology are certainly interesting, but the places with dialogue flow at a terrific, fast pace. I think you’re going to do very well with this.

If you would, I would be honored to hear your thoughts on my novel sometime.
Best wishes,
-Chris
Fugitives from Northwoods

Yarg: Oskar 
This is clearly a book for the younger age group of the YA spectrum, but it seems you've hit the tone just right. Viking culture is explained without turning into a history lesson - snippets are brought in at the appropriate times, and i feel like I've learned a lot! The writing is smooth, free of typos and fussy sentences, and I think it's one that kids could follow along without any trouble at all. So very well done there!

Two broad crits:
1), you have a number of fairly long paragraphs, and few breaks for dialogue. The narrative is interesting enough to pull me along, and it involves a lot of unspoken dialogue, but I wonder if some of t can be cut down in order to maintain the interest of the kids. I'm think your best bet is to cut down a bit on the description of village life and household chores at the beginning, just to keep it punchier. You migr want to throw in a goofy situation, which will really up the entertainment factor.

You've also got a lot of "passive" sentences. These don't engage the reader very well, as they explain too much, instead of letting the reader feel. Here's an example from chapter 2:
Oskar felt completely numb, and was unable to process what his dad was saying. 

Anyway, here's a couple more nit-picks:

Chapter 1:
who had no idea who was really hiding behind the bridal veil.  - but what happened after that? How did he get the hammer back? Or are we not supposed to know? 

beautifully decorated wooden handle and leather scabbard - I was a bit confused by this - is the knife leather? Or should it be: leather and wooden-handled scabbard?

Chapter 2:

One morning when Oskar and Björn were walking through the craftsmen’s quarter - this is a silly minor critique, but I'd probably separate this from the line above with a double space or line of asterisks, just because it's a switched POV, so you want to separate the two  - I'd separate again when you change back to Bjorn's POV later in the chapter, as the jumping around gets a bit confusing

Overall, this is a totally enjoyable story for kids, age-appropriate and not too scary! Well done, J

Ellie
Paragon

Jessica, I made some comments but they seem to have disappeared. So I will write this again. Tell me more about your dog when you introduce him/her. I love dogs and I want to know more about it's hair, size... The stones on the beach are they natural there? Do some research and let me know I am interested. Also the gods your mother is telling you about are they folk lore? If you write like your readers are dummies it will help them and be more interesting for them. You know what you are writing about but we are reading to learn more about what you know. I hope this is helpful. I will keep reading and please keep writing. When you have added more about your dog write me and let me know I will come back and read more. Hope you look at my books, I think you will like Scribe-Lings the best, I have two of them. Blessings!

Hello Jessica,

I have started reading in the selection of history to learn more about everything. I like your work and plan to continue, especially after learning my family may have come from the Vikings out of the area of England called Derbyshire. Two thing is see so far that may help. Have someone edit for you to catch little things that are too easy to miss on your own. I do that too, but there were not a lot of them. If you write like we are all dummies it will also help. Tell me more about finding Fafnir, color, hair... I love dogs and want to know more. On the beach the stones you found, are they natural there? tell me more. The stories of the gods are they yours or are they ancient folklore? You may know but many others may not. I will read more and enjoy your story telling a lot. Keep writing! i will keep reading and wondering more. I hope you will look at my books too. Scribe-Lings I think you will like best. I have two books. Blessings!

Oskar the Viking

This is a YARG review, a CHIRG review and a return review.

I’ve read the first three chapters. You’ve got the right balance of character, description and story - especially once the family’s voyage begins. Oskar is curious and likeable and you’d probably even get the educational parts past a child without them noticing. I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve added some more detailed notes below but it’s a perfectly good read as it is.

Chapter One

“exciting adventures” Possibly cut “exciting” because it’s implied in “adventures”
I’m a little confused about how old Oskar is. He seems to be little, because he jumps down from the table and runs outside with the dog, then later “skipped down the street.” But then he seems to be thirteen, possibly and ready to sail in two years. Thirteen year old boys don’t skip. I’ve seen them.
I think the word “Oskar” appears to many times. Some of them could be “he”.
I love that the trolls wear knits. What a lovely surprise. In fact, the whole paragraph about what trolls are and what to do about them is rather fabulous.
If you can cut the exclamation marks, then do. Unless they are in dialogue, I think. I know it’s a children’s story but the meaning should be in the words not the punctuation.
“a tough hairy little pony.” Cut “little” because ponies are always small and you’ve got a great description.
Yggdrasil is something I’d never heard of before and now I’ve read two books on here with it. Nothing wrong with that.
“In the distance, they could hear thunder.” If you swap this around it’d be clearer “They could hear thunder in the distance.”
“he had been heating up over the fire.” Here you could show how pleased Oskar or possibly Oskar’s mum are to have him back. They could heat the water up for him. Or maybe Oskar does, I’m not quite sure.

Chapter Two

“a drink of ale.” Or just ale, because there is only one thing he’d do with it.
The gift exchange paragraph is good. Makes perfect sense.
“did nothing to calm him down, quite the opposite.” I’d cut the last part. It’s implied by the first.
Oskar’s relationship with the dog is very sweet but I’d like his appearance to be described.
Got a bit caught up in the story with the curses, the hay and the fire so didn’t make notes until…

Chapter Three

In the paragraph starting “The next few days” the words “enjoyable” and “enjoyed” are too close together. You could substitute one for something else.
“had a big breakfast to cheer themselves up.” Lovely. So they should, what a nice detail.
“his foundations are sitting on the ashes of our old house” Also really nice. This review isn’t turning out to be very helpful, is it?
Oskar’s hand being stuck to the horse is an interesting part of the story. Good and bizarre.

I’m glad to have started reading this. Good stuff, and I’ll return for YALF.

Lucy

Hi Jessica; I have just sampled some of your delightful story.
It is always nice to be genuinely surprised by a book and I was by this.
It isn't often that you can say a children's book can be truly classed as educational but this is.
You display an admirable amount of knowledge on the the subject. I liked the way you managed to cram both Norse mythology and very real historical data into this. But, and here's the thing, it is done very much to the child and interspaced in such a way that it is never boring.
Oskar makes for a good MC and there are some lovely touches with his character. I especially enjoyed his little dialogue about Trolls before rounding it off with a never having seen one, that was really nice.
My only suggestion on this would be to possibly shorten the chapter lengths. I am not sure a child would be able to take in quite so much writing in one go, but this is a very minor observation.
Well done and starred for you.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Hi Jessica
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this, but it is a pleasure to return to

Chapter 7
This first section has s lovely atmosphere. The narrow steps leading down to the oracle and the dark and damp make this a spooky adventure and one of my favourite parts of the book.

I think you could possibly increase the drama in this chapter a bit. It was very brave of Leif to sacrifice himself to save the lives of his people, but I would have liked to see some of the emotions of his friends and family. A little more description of the funeral would have been nice too, perhaps something describing how the flames leapt in to the sky or something.

Chapter 8
Aoife and Oskar's relationship is quite pragmatic and not too lovey dovey which I think is just right for the age group.
One possible typo - life stock I think should be livestock.

I really liked the chapter at the end which described the archeological facts behind the story.

Overall I feel that your historical knowledge makes this an absolutely fascinating read. The details of the life and mythological stories etc.. really bring the scene alive. To improve the story my suggestion would be to make more of the events that happen, explaining the emotions of your characters more and how things looked, felt and tasted. This would help the reader to feel they were truly living in the Viking world for a little while.
I thoroughly enjoyed this and would love to know how Fafnir and Aoife fare in their new life in Greenland
Best wishes
Kirstie

The first thing i want to note is about the pitch: it feels like they get kicked out of their home and dont get to come back? Not sure if that happens in the story but id really like to hear about how they tackled that problem, like no one should be driven out of their home with not retaliation! thats my opinion anyway ... The nice descriptions in the forest reminds me a bit of the Wolfbrother books, which also shows this sort of thing is a popular theme. I love the early possible appearance of trolls and talk of Thor – again popular! I dont think so’, said Anund – i think this comma should be before the speech mark? – you’ve done this a few times with other dialogue. I didn’t mean to hurt him – speech mark back to front? Overall, from what I read I got a nice impression. A lot of hard work has gone into this to make it an enjoyable and entertaining read. The Viking themes in your book are really popular now (especially with things like Brave coming out in the movies), and these sort of stories have good longevity so i think you’ve chosen a good setting. I have high starred and will shelve this once I have space!

This has so much going for it! Really clean writing, with no lumps or bumps that I can see, and rich with history. Your descriptions and anecdotes are comprehensive. Critique-wise, I'd look for ways to bring the dialogue and action to the forefront more, with less narrative and backstory, in order to better hold young readers' attention. I'd even start with "Oskar, the porridge is ready!" even if you feel the need to drop back into narrative. It just pumps it up a little.
Excellent writing overall, and the historical data is impressive. Best of luck with this!
And If you have any interest in children's literature, please come visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Jessica,
Sorry I haven't read much of Oskar lately but I am back to offer my thoughts on chapter six.
This chapter sets the scene for another set of adventures which is great. I like how the character Oskar is maturing and his developing relationship with Aoife. Oskar is a talented lad and adventurous too, so I can see boys relating to him well.
I think ordinary people might be better than 'normal'
The only criticism I have of this chapter is that I would like to see more of the story through Oskar's eyes as he is the character I most relate too. In this chapter you tell us how a lot of the characters are feeling, but I would like to see and feel things from Oskar's point of view. I think Oskar could be involved more in everything that goes on - for example, could he not accompany his father to visit the earl as he is now a young man?

The story is continuing at a nice pace and I am enjoying getting to know the new characters. As always there are lovely historical details that make this a fascinating read. I loved the ending and I will definitely be back to find out what the mysterious oracle has to say.
Best wishes
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

OSKAR THE VIKING
This is a good story: Vikings, a magic spring, old folk tales, and a yellow cloaked villain. Bjorn is a sympathetic character because he’s so obviously innocent yet is accused of stealing the hay. Oskar is a good main character; even tho he lived years and years ago, I think young people today will readily identify with him because of his passion for old stories and his sense of adventure. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Jessica, I read chapter 4. I really enjoyed reading this book, it had a nice warm feeling about it, the characters were reader-friendly and believable, the lanscape was well drawn and the dialogue clear. I wondered if thier would be trees on the islands in those days? I was hungry to read some more an hope to return at some point. Well Done

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock