Friendship offer and rejection

Dear Fatema,
What a story? It's so real life when it comes to men and women. You've painted the contradictions between genders so realistically that I recommended your book to a friend of mine who will be happy to read it.

Your dialogue creation is superb and I enjoyed reading every single detail you mentioned in between the lines. Thank you for sharing your observations, which I think, is the core concept behind Friendship Offer and Rejection.

Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Another brilliant work fatema, you set up a good background and you really have a knack for writing. This book will do well.
Nicely done!!
S.C.

Fatema,
The strength of this book is not in the plot itself but in the ability of Fara the protagonist to convey her innermost feelings to the reader. Clearly the victim of injustice and deception, she reacts with aversion against those who have in the past acted against her. She is soft and vulnerable, easily swayed by sweet-talking men, and therefore putting up a resistance to insidious temptations is her best defense against harm and danger. You write directly from the heart in no uncertain terms, your simply worded sentences easy to follow. This is a diamond in the rough that can be polished for universal appeal. Thank you for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This has a lot of emotion. Almost like a rollercoaster ride. This is a fast pace chapter. and her likes and dislikes are expressed very clearly. I wish you the best of luck on this. I see this has a lot of potential. I would love to get a visual of her in chapter one. I really could not see her. OTher than that. I really like it. You have a great start.

I just read up to the end of Chapter three and Fara’s clever arguments for being allowed to make the journey to Mecca without a husband, or mehram. Very strong characterization, dialogue and supreme story-telling. The situation with Mr Spat and Mrs Coombe is truly Austenesque in its complexity, and Dickensian in its sinister undertones. It’s an absolutely compelling situation, and when the tormented Fara writhes on the floor (because of Dol’s phone call), I really shared her desperation. This has the lot - dynamic, friction, progressive plot. I love it. It's on my WL for a future backing.

I like the phrase about Barack Obama.

hi there,

I have read the prologue and it needs a little bit of work still but i am intrigued by the idea.
Personally, i found the the start a bit confusing as i read on, but really enjoyed the story once i hit "Fara had lived an oppressive..." - i think that's where this story should start, and the friendship offer should be woven throughout.

the ending "Let's be friends" - cute.... good start, looking forward to reading more

cheers for now
Jaclyn
It Never Happened

Hi Fatema,
This is a compelling and emotional story and the tension you build in from the very beginning ensures the reader will want to continue reading.
There is a lot of good descriptive detail which anchors the story in its setting and you have a fine talent for portraying your protagonist's thoughts and feeling.
Well done!
Connie King
Streets Apart

Your writing is very poetic but I was totally confused at the start. If you could take each separate sentiment and enlarge on it, it would read better. You have great potential because the emotions are deep and what you have written is intriguing. But unless the first page 'hooks' the reader, they wont get further. This is worth working on because you have things to say which are important. Good luck.
Andrea
The De Amerley Affair

Dear Fatema,
What a story? It's so real life when it comes to men and women. You've painted the contradictions between genders so realistically that I recommended your book to a friend of mine who will be happy to read it.

Your dialogue creation is superb and I enjoyed reading every single detail you mentioned in between the lines. Thank you for sharing your observations, which I think, is the core concept behind Friendship Offer and Rejection.

Best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Fatema,

The story is written better than the pitch. Improve the latter and you might get more reads.

There are still errors in the story, such as over-long sentences and gramatical errors, but it has been written with feeling and a genuine heart.

Best wishes
Warrick

The book itself is much better than the synopsis! I've heard synopses are hard to write, but I think it should be rewritten to match the quality of the story.

The story is good, although I'd like to see more illustrations, particularly in chapter 1– tell us the things he did, spell them out.

Thanks for your kind comment and honest suggestion dear Jane]

Friendship Offer. Ch. 1 seems to be a series of notes, outlining the story of the book. When you re-edit, this part might well be omitted, so the reader can get to the story itself straight away.
Ch.2. Do you mean Fara's eyes glazed? Your description of a grimace is well done.
But your dialogue is a bit stilted. You do not need to annotate every line of speech, especially when only two people are talking. And I have a feeling you could have conveyed what they were saying in fewer words.
But you give a good idea of what Fara is feeling, her bewilderment and emotions, and sense of vulnerability and helplessness. This is your strength, so perhaps you could build more on describing what she is feeling. However, try to use fewer words, and increase the pace of the story.
Ch.3. Again, you have dialogue which does not advance the story: what the reader already knows. And who is Dol - I wonder? Perhaps you should introduce him to the reader at this stage.
I hope this helps, but I dont pretend to be an expert.
Jane.

Friendship Offer. Ch. 1 seems to be a series of notes, outlining the story of the book. When you re-edit, this part might well be omitted, so the reader can get to the story itself straight away.
Ch.2. Do you mean Fara's eyes glazed? Your description of a grimace is well done.
But your dialogue is a bit stilted. You do not need to annotate every line of speech, especially when only two people are talking. And I have a feeling you could have conveyed what they were saying in fewer words.
But you give a good idea of what Fara is feeling, her bewilderment and emotions, and sense of vulnerability and helplessness. This is your strength, so perhaps you could build more on describing what she is feeling. However, try to use fewer words, and increase the pace of the story.
Ch.3. Again, you have dialogue which does not advance the story: what the reader already knows. And who is Dol - I wonder? Perhaps you should introduce him to the reader at this stage.
I hope this helps, but I dont pretend to be an expert.
Jane.

[Thanks for encouragement.]


Another brilliant work fatema, you set up a good background and you really have a knack for writing. This book will do well.
Nicely done!!
S.C.

Another brilliant work fatema, you set up a good background and you really have a knack for writing. This book will do well.
Nicely done!!
S.C.

I like the plot concept behind this noveland you seem to have a strong protagonist. However, i couldn't get to grips with your writing style (a matter of personal taste more than anything), although i can appreciate why your book has received such positive feedback.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this book.
Amy :)

Hi

This is an interesting piece and your style allows you to get inside Fara's mindset and share her story. It shows how people can be easily swayed and controlled by their emotions. The only cricitism I have is sometimes the structure of the sentences was a bit confusing. But otherwise keep up the good work !

Steph

Fatema,
The strength of this book is not in the plot itself but in the ability of Fara the protagonist to convey her innermost feelings to the reader. Clearly the victim of injustice and deception, she reacts with aversion against those who have in the past acted against her. She is soft and vulnerable, easily swayed by sweet-talking men, and therefore putting up a resistance to insidious temptations is her best defense against harm and danger. You write directly from the heart in no uncertain terms, your simply worded sentences easy to follow. This is a diamond in the rough that can be polished for universal appeal. Thank you for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is a deep read.
It flows and forms well, drawing the readers in. You have written this very skillfully. I didn't see any mistakes in it.
I like the title.
There is a lot of heart in this book.
I like the name Fara. She is a real person that comes a live on the page though it is sad.
Good work with this.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Too much arguements going on here, Whos is Mr Spat?
Fara, is a very emotional woman, stressed and sad.

Hi Fatema...
I am reading 3rd chapter now. The first chapter goes on a style different from those coming after, which I think is deliberate. Am not in a good position to comment it grammatically, but perhaps when read more will be able to comment on the core of the story.

I enjoyed the dialogue and passion of this. Honestly, from reading the description of the situation in the first section, I can tell that this is an important story that really needs to be told, and will be valuable to readers. I just wish the beginning sections gave readers more to latch onto. It seems like there is a lot of unnecessary mystery and vagueness to everything that happens here. Why is Fara so upset? Why doesn't she want to talk to Mr. Spat? What exactly is going on here? It all sounds very interesting, but unless the reader is given at least some specifics early on, I fear that he or she won't stay around to find out what it's all about. I'm not asking for a ton of backstory, just enough so that when Fara talks to her friend later and they both angrily complain about what's going on, the reader isn't constantly wondering what they're talking about and if it will ever be revealed.

Daniel Rider
"Indian Summer"

Good! a long story, will continue reading.

I'd say prologue needs clarity of sentence order. Chapter 1 is good.

Very interesting story, I was curious right from the start so kept on reading. Great piece of work, I look forward to reading more.

I would love you to take a look at more of my book too if you get a chance, Christian and Arabella:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/43613/christian-and-arabella/

You have a talent for descriptive writing and conveying emotion, Fatema. This work shows promise, but it does need a strong edit to correct errors of sentence structure as these cloud the meaning. Also, heed Tarzan's advice to edit your pitch.
Without reading the entire work, I can't be certain that the Prologue is inappropriate or unnecessary, but I can say that if it is to remain, you need to consider carefully just what purpose it is intended to serve and how best to fill that purpose. At present, it reads like a huge information dump, and it's off-putting to the reader. Readers want to be shown scenes that gradually unfold to expose knowledge of characters and situations. There should be questions in their mind as they read that make them want to turn the page to find out the answers. Your prologue seems to summarize the story and reveal information that might be better held back until well into the story.
My editor defined a Prologue as a scene or series of scenes that take place before the beginning of the story, and therefore can't logically be related in the story, but contribute to the story with vital information that sets the scene or exposes important background facts. It still needs to be written in action or dialog scenes, rather than in a report-like or summary-style manner. Studying the technique of showing, not telling, might assist you to improve it.
When I got into Chapter 1, I started to enjoy the story and I saw evidence of your ability as a writer, and the more I read, the more the story drew me in.
I sense that perhaps English isn't your first language? If so, you need to get some help to correct mistakes of language, but you have done extraordinarily well. I wish you all the best with this story and in your writing career.

Story is compelling with Fara's journey to Mecca. The strength of this is your intense passion for the material.

Edit your pitch and re-edit the minor grammar errors when you get a chance. Some grammar and phrasing need a little work especially the pitch. For starters characters should be listed in the pitch even if it's an autobiography. "Deatailed" should be detailed. For "presure" should be pressure.

This again is a great story and with a little work it will be fantastic.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

You have some great ideas here and have very passionate descriptions of thoughts and actions.
I feel your language needs tidying up and editing to make the reading experience easier - I know where you're coming from and what you intend, but it has been written clumsily in a way that doesn't flow so well.
I think you need to clear up the initial pitch to give readers a better insight into what they're reading too.
Good luck with this!

Your creative instincts direct you to tell a story and that alone is an achievement. Despite the need for a great deal of editing, your are clearly a story teller and even early in the book Fara captures the imagination.This story holds promise so well done so far. Keep working on this, we all have to hone and perfect. Margaret.

There is a lot I like here, and the cultural insights are fascinating. The highly emotional expression brings out an element of character and sensitivity which is both intriguing and effective. The plot gradually becomes engaging too - and there is a lot to enjoy here. However, the difficulties with the language, grammar and tense are considerable, and they need to be dealt with before any serious effort could be made to present this to a publisher. A patient editor would be required - but if the writing remains simply as a passionate hobby - then this is certainly worth while. The beginning is definitely clever and although the style is rather wayward, and many words are repeated over and over - it is principally the language difficulty which holds this back. Good luck.

I am reluctant to give criticism, but here it is necessary. I read the first chapter and was lost. could be me, but it didn't explain anything to me about the story. Seems the explanations came later and that is ok, but you do not want to lose the reader so quickly. I would re-work the first chapter and do more to tell me what this book is about. That said, I do like the voice, but at times it gets lost with all the quotes. The good part is that it gets stronger as it moves along, so bring some of that strength out in the beginning. Let me know when you have re-written and I will take another look.

This has a lot of emotion. Almost like a rollercoaster ride. This is a fast pace chapter. and her likes and dislikes are expressed very clearly. I wish you the best of luck on this. I see this has a lot of potential. I would love to get a visual of her in chapter one. I really could not see her. OTher than that. I really like it. You have a great start.

Read through chapters 1 and 2, then skipped to chapter 4. Enjoyed the exploration of friendship issues, juxtaposed over the power struggle between men and women. I wish the best for Fara and her boys...googled "Umrah" and Wikipedia explained it right before you did!
Lovely story. Good luck on this!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Frienship offer and Rejection

You have an interesting book. You have great ideas, strong characters and good dialogue but need a little help with editting.
It has great promise and I look forward to reading it when it is finished.
Junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Hello Fatema

I sense a lot of emotion in your story. Fara came across as an interesting character, who wears her heart on her sleeve.

You have a passion for writing and story telling and I seen a market for the story you are telling.

It has already been pointed out by other reviewers that a lot of work is required to properly polish up the punctuation and grammar. I would never recommend a literary consultant but I would use the advice you get from other authors on this site to iron out the flaws before you seek publishing.

All the best

Maria

Hi Fatema,

Once again, thank you for reading Backward Glances and the kinds words.

I did not read your long pitch. I try no to because I enjoy stories when they unfold for me.

It sounds like you have a story you want to tell. In the opening you are trying to withhold information. I get it, trying to be cryptic to keep the reader reading. But, you're also vague in telling us what's at risk with this offer that we know nothing about. Clarifying this (without telling us of the terms of the offer) will ensnare a reader more. Risk is always a laso.
Prolog is spelled Prologue.
I want to help you in improving the writing.
"an offer was made from an unexpected direction" would sound better from an unexpected source. Direction does not make offers.
This is the set-up but you go into the story telling which the point of view is confusing and mixed. You may not need all this info here. It'll be best to weave it into the story as you go because you are already mixing it with the story line. That or turn this prologue into a 4 or 5 sentences--say only what you need to say.

Listen to the last paragragh: She gets stress, feels dizzy and faints due to weakness. She gets herself back up. This is story telling, not background information relevent to a prologue. When you enter chapter 2 all this telling needs to be coverted into showing. she gets stressed and faints due to weakness....You'll need to show us.
Example: She hadn't eaten all day. Tiny specs of light appeard before her eyes. There wasn't a strong glare of light from where she stood, no, a veil of darkness cloaked her eyes. Several mintues later she awoke feeling fatigued. A brush of vile traveled up her throat. The anxiety attacks returned. The room spun, everything appeared hazy, she remianed on the ground, too weak to stand. Dizzy.
She didn't want to live alone. She had no choice.
Guilt no longer a prelude, "Alright, let's be friends," she said to the man looming above her. ---or something like that.....
Before tackling editing, you need to structure this opening that has potential for a compelling story that is present in chapter 2. I agree with Iandsmith--there is strong characterization and a unique quality in your voice. All it needs is better structure, more showing, less telling, and better editing.
There are some great writers on this site and i know my work has improved because of all the great meticulous feedback. Hope you feel the same.
I did enjoy this. Went back afterwards to read the long pitch and understood the story better.
Nancy Lopez
Backward Glances

[Thanks, greatly appreciated. I noticed and as you said, alter later on to polish, exactly i was thinking of doing that. ]

Hi Fatima, First, let me thank you for reading Picking Up Peas With Chopsticks. It's basically an anthology and tribute to Dora Graham. (But you will get that in the intro.) I'm a very firm believer in "Getting the story down" and to hell with the editing until you've got the last full stop and the sigh of despair or relief at finishing. So don't let those who nitpick your presentation get you down. I suffer the same problems, uploading great chunks and finding dialogue on the same lines, paragraphs that should be spaced and indented etc... but they are polishing and you can't polish a bronze before you have cast it. There are just one or two things though and I hope you will forgive me for pointing them out. "Phone was ringing and Fara picked up the phone and said "hello". Always remember that rule that for most readers it is the first sentence that matters. The repetition of Phone and the absence of 'The' can make a difference. If I had read "The phone was ringing. Fara picked it up and said "hello" it would "feel" better I think. But as i said previously, the aim is to get the story down and think of the editing later. I do hope that this doesn't seem too harsh a criticism. I'm staring (daunted) at a bunch of notebooks with about another 80,000 words of The Girl From Kosovo and know I have to get it typed. I hope you will back it. Thank you for inviting me to read.

Hi Fatima, First, let me thank you for reading Picking Up Peas With Chopsticks. It's basically an anthology and tribute to Dora Graham. (But you will get that in the intro.) I'm a very firm believer in "Getting the story down" and to hell with the editing until you've got the last full stop and the sigh of despair or relief at finishing. So don't let those who nitpick your presentation get you down. I suffer the same problems, uploading great chunks and finding dialogue on the same lines, paragraphs that should be spaced and indented etc... but they are polishing and you can't polish a bronze before you have cast it. There are just one or two things though and I hope you will forgive me for pointing them out. "Phone was ringing and Fara picked up the phone and said "hello". Always remember that rule that for most readers it is the first sentence that matters. The repetition of Phone and the absence of 'The' can make a difference. If I had read "The phone was ringing. Fara picked it up and said "hello" it would "feel" better I think. But as i said previously, the aim is to get the story down and think of the editing later. I do hope that this doesn't seem too harsh a criticism. I'm staring (daunted) at a bunch of notebooks with about another 80,000 words of The Girl From Kosovo and know I have to get it typed. I hope you will back it. Thank you for inviting me to read.

Friendship offer and rejection....

Fatema,

I had a read through and I think you need to do some editorial work on this. I became confused a few times as to who was speaking with whom. Some of the conversations between two people are in the same paragraph. When a new speaker begins having a thought or an action, that as well as speech must begin on a new line.

Also, there were quite a few 'was' in the story, good advice is to count the number of 'was' and eliminate as many as possible.

This has some good potential though ad it opened my eyes to a different way of life. I will keep it WListed and hope to read more soon!

Hi Fatema, you asked me to look at your book. I have read the prolog and chapter 1, and here are some comments.

I am not sure the prolog is really meant to be part of the book. It appears to be a synopsis rather than part of the narrative. In any case it opens up and mostly remains written in passive voice. You should consider using the active verb, as that would make it more compelling.

Once I got to the second chapter, there was a lovely bit of dialogue that threw us straight into the action. I liked that.

Nevertheless the grammar here needs a good deal of work. Use new paragraphs for each new speaker. Watch the tense to. You have '... He asked. "OK" replies ...' on the first line. Past tense and present/continuous. Punctuation also needs a good edit.

My advice would be to look at how dialogue is done in books you enjoy. You don't always need a 'he said' or whatever after each speaker. Notice the white space on a page with good dialogue - white space is good.

Also try reading the work out loud, as this may show a number of oddities up.

Ultimately this story is not for me, and so I will make no comments about that.

I am sorry I won't back this book. However, don't be discouraged. With a good edit, this could be a whole lot better and certainly of a lot of interest to your intended audience (see my own profile as to what I like to read, which is generally different from this).

Thanks for the message.

[Ian, Thanks for your valuable, encouraging and analytical comment. The Austenesque and Dickensian, both contecxtualisational asppects do consistently run parallel, even in our todays society. ]

I just read up to the end of Chapter three and Fara’s clever arguments for being allowed to make the journey to Mecca without a husband, or mehram. Very strong characterization, dialogue and supreme story-telling. The situation with Mr Spat and Mrs Coombe is truly Austenesque in its complexity, and Dickensian in its sinister undertones. It’s an absolutely compelling situation, and when the tormented Fara writhes on the floor (because of Dol’s phone call), I really shared her desperation. This has the lot - dynamic, friction, progressive plot. I love it. It's on my WL for a future backing.

I just read up to the end of Chapter three and Fara’s clever arguments for being allowed to make the journey to Mecca without a husband, or mehram. Very strong characterization, dialogue and supreme story-telling. The situation with Mr Spat and Mrs Coombe is truly Austenesque in its complexity, and Dickensian in its sinister undertones. It’s an absolutely compelling situation, and when the tormented Fara writhes on the floor (because of Dol’s phone call), I really shared her desperation. This has the lot - dynamic, friction, progressive plot. I love it. It's on my WL for a future backing.

[Thanks for reading and commenting on friendship offer and rejection.]

I liked your book a lot and felt that it is quite well written. I did find that you use the word She a lot.
For Example – Chapter One – Beginning.
She was looking….. She was also…… She negotiated the deep….. Exhausted she was and she sat down on the sofa, lied back to reclining position.
Possibly you could try –
Fara exhausted sat down on the sofa and lied back in the reclining position, looking up at the silver Seiko clock on the deep, burning red coloured wall.
Now I would like to say that I am most certainty not expert in these matters but hope that I may be able to assist – I have added to my bookshelf and rated!
Can’t wait to read more.
Much love
Erikah Jayne x

I liked your book a lot and felt that it is quite well written. I did find that you use the word She a lot.
For Example – Chapter One – Beginning.
She was looking….. She was also…… She negotiated the deep….. Exhausted she was and she sat down on the sofa, lied back to reclining position.
Possibly you could try –
Fara exhausted sat down on the sofa and lied back in the reclining position, looking up at the silver Seiko clock on the deep, burning red coloured wall.
Now I would like to say that I am most certainty not expert in these matters but hope that I may be able to assist – I have added to my bookshelf and rated!
Can’t wait to read more.
Much love
Erikah Jayne x

Hello everybody, please do not give up after reading the prolog, prolog tells you about premise of the book though the journey is inside the book.

Fara picked up the ringing phone
"Hello"
"Hello, its Mr Spat here"

Phone was ringing and Fara picked up the phone and said 'Hello'
"Hello its Mr Spat here

[Well, a grateful thank you for your siggestion and comment. ]

Fatema,
An interesting story, a married woman and a man who pursues her offering frienship. At times it is not always clear what you are trying to say. The parts when you use dialogue are the best, especially chapter two. There is more movement in the story and it is easier to see the relationships being described in your sections with dialogue. I'm not sure you need your proloque. It seems to just be a summary of what you write in the other chapters. It is always better to show something happening and people talking, then to tell about them.
One thing you need to do is to watch your paragraphs. Each character should have his dialogue in a separate paragraph, the other persons response needs to be a new paragraph. I think this would help keep the story line clearer. Stars on your hard work.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
Clarissa's Kitchen
The Milche Bride

Fatema,
An interesting story, a married woman and a man who pursues her offering frienship. At times it is not always clear what you are trying to say. The parts when you use dialogue are the best, especially chapter two. There is more movement in the story and it is easier to see the relationships being described in your sections with dialogue. I'm not sure you need your proloque. It seems to just be a summary of what you write in the other chapters. It is always better to show something happening and people talking, then to tell about them.
One thing you need to do is to watch your paragraphs. Each character should have his dialogue in a separate paragraph, the other persons response needs to be a new paragraph. I think this would help keep the story line clearer. Stars on your hard work.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
Clarissa's Kitchen
The Milche Bride

[Very good statement.]
I read your prologue thus far. The friendship offer remind me some people who work at reception desk. You walk into a building and they pretend to be smiling and happy to welcome you. But you can see that the smile and friendliness is fake

Hi Fatema; After reading the prologue and first two chapters, I can't help but feel like I am gazing into a very real life. This is good as it shows the story to be working. At times it felt quite invasive to read, but again this is good. If I feel uncomfortable, then the story is working. This is a book I think most people would want to finish if started but at the moment lacks just a little of the polish of Ache in My Heart. Well done, keep up the good work.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars.

I read your prologue thus far. The friendship offer remind me some people who work at reception desk. You walk into a building and they pretend to be smiling and happy to welcome you. But you can see that the smile and friendliness is fake

Hi Fatema, you have the premise. here for a good story, but it felt as though it was written by two people, I feel the first chapter needs the dead wood clearing out too much repetition but by the time you get to the 2nd chapter you have an easy relaxed flow, as if you have got into your stride and seem more comfortable this continues in the next chapters although there are a few edits needed. You could do with someone to help you edit (I had to pay a friend!) There is a book on this site THE IMPECCABLE EDITOR I recommend you read this it really helped me. Keep going and I'm sure you will do well, all the best Karen x

[Thanks for having a look at this book and looking forward to your valuable comment.]

Hi Fatima, I see you have made some changes this pitch is a little clearer, I will read the first chapter and leave my comments.

Blessings Clare :)

Hi Fatima, I see you have made some changes this pitch is a little clearer, I will read the first chapter and leave my comments.

Blessings Clare :)