Book Jacket

 

rank 5853
word count 10609
date submitted 11.05.2012
date updated 11.05.2012
genres: Historical Fiction, Children's
classification: universal
incomplete

The Eagle Stone

Bobby

Effie sets of on a perilous journey to prove her mother's innocence. After all - the penalty for witchcraft is burning

 

Effie and her mother, Isobel, live in a stiflingly small community where conflicts easily escalate and gossip and rumour thrive. The Laird dominates the villagers and they live in fear of offending him. Effie is only 13 years old when her mother, Isobel, is accused by the Laird of kidnapping his sixteen year old daughter, Beatrice, and killing her in a satanic rite. Isobel is arrested for witchcraft. The penalty for this crime is to be burned.

 
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Chapter Two

Early next morning Effie and Isobel walked back to Dorothy’s house. Effie hadn’t wanted to; she was scared of the reception they would receive, but Isobel was adamant.

“Dorothy’s labour has weakened her; we must take her a tonic to build up her strength.”

The cottage door was answered by Dorothy’s husband.

“We’ve come with a tonic for Dorothy,” Isobel said.

Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage in this house,” the man replied.

“I did all I could to save the child and now I need to make sure Dorothy does not die too. Please take this tonic to her,” she held out a bottle to the man.

He took the bottle and threw it to the ground. It smashed on the stone path and the tonic oozed out in a red stain. Another man appeared from the dark interior of the cottage and looked down at them.

“Get away from this house!” the man bellowed and Effie recognized the angry red face as that of the Laird. She turned to leave, but Isobel was not so easily scared.

“I have been delivering bairns and caring for the sick of this village for nearly twenty years with no complaints before now, except from you.  The women will not thank you for your interference.”

The Laird stepped out of the doorway and leaned over to Isobel, his face close to hers.

“The women will do as I say and so will you. Now get away,” he spat.

Isobel stared up at him, then turned her head haughtily and stalked off down the path.  Effie scuttled behind her.

“No doubt we won’t get paid for our work now.” Isobel said as they made their way back to the cottage.

     A few moments later, they heard a child’s voice calling:

“Isobel, Isobel”

They turned and saw Dorothy’s eldest daughter running down the road behind them.

“Hello child, what can I do for you?”

“You saved my Mothers’ life last night. My father won’t pay you, the Laird has told him not too, he told him you were to blame for the bairn dying, but I know it’s not true. I came to give you this. She held out her hand to Isobel, a penny lay in her palm.”

“Thank you child,” Isobel took the penny. “How does your Mother fare this morning?

“She is sorely grieved about the death of the child and she is worried also, she fears she might die without your care.”
 
If I make another tonic would you be able to get it to her?

“Yes mistress.”

“Then come to my cottage after noon and I will have it ready.”

Thank you kindly.”

Once home Effie and Isobel busied themselves with the feeding of their cow and the few chickens. The storm the night before had damaged the chicken coop so they set about making repairs. They sat down to their midday meal but were disturbed by a knock on the door. Isobel went to answer it. Their neighbour Mrs Gregg stood on the step.

“Your cow is in my pasture again, eating my grass.” She said angrily. “I’ll not put up with it ruining my livelihood. I’ve told you before and you’ve still not paid me for the last lot of my crops it ate.”

“As I said before Mrs Gregg, if you fixed your fence properly my cow would not be able to get in your field and in any case the amount you asked for was ten times the value of the crops it had eaten,” Isobel replied hotly.

Effie went to get her cloak and set off to recapture the cow, leaving the two women arguing on the doorstep.

When she returned with the cow safely in tow Mrs Gregg was gone. Effie tied the cow to the garden fence so it would not escape again. Her Mother was busy in the cottage preparing the tonic for Dorothy. Soon Dorothy’s daughter appeared to collect it.

“How does your Mother fare?”

“She is very weak.”

“The tonic will help, come back tomorrow to tell me how she does.”

“Yes mistress, thank you.”

Isobel went back to making the ointments and powders that were necessary for a healer and midwife’s work.

“We will need to go out for some more herbs tonight Effie, for it is a full moon and as you know they are often most powerful when picked by the light of a full moon.”

As soon as darkness came, they set off carrying a basket each to gather the last of the summers’ herbs and berries before the harsh Scottish winter came. Isobel led the way into the woods that surrounded the village until they reached a clearing where many wildflowers and herbs grew. By the light of the full moon, they set to work to gather them. Effie knew the herbs to collect and the prayers to say over them as she picked them; she had been gathering herbs with her Mother since she could walk. But tonight she felt scared. The harvest moon shone large and red, casting long shadows that made the trees seem like gnarled old men.

Suddenly Effie heard a rustling in the trees behind them. She jumped and clutched her Mother’s arm, almost knocking Isobel’s basket on the floor. She stared at the bushes and a face appeared.  Effie breathed a sigh of relief and Isobel laughed.

“You gave us both a start Janet,” she said to her old friend. “Are you gathering herbs?”

“Aye, with winter coming it’s as well to have a few remedies made up for colds and chills.”

“It is Janet.”

The three women carried on with their gathering. They had nearly filled the baskets when Effie noticed lights dancing through the trees. She clutched her Mothers’ arm again.

“Mother, what’s that?” she said.

Isobel looked. “It’s lanterns Effie. Someone other than us is in these woods tonight. Never mind we’ve nearly finished and the weather is taking a turn for the worse, I’ll just gather some of these Rosehips and then we’ll be off home.”

Effie didn’t take her eyes off the lights.

“Hurry Mother they are getting nearer.”

“Hush child, these things can’t be rushed.”

A gust of wind blew through the trees making them clatter together like dry bones. Effie looked up.  Dark clouds were skimming across the moon. She looked towards the lights. They were very near now; in fact snatches of voices could be caught on the wind.

“Please Mother, let’s go home now”

“Come on then,” Isobel agreed.

As they turned towards home, a sudden gust of wind whipped furiously through the trees, swirling around the clearing, like a tornado. It tore the last of the autumn leaves from the branches and swirled them around. The women could barely see where they were going as they slipped from the clearing and began to make their way back to the cottage. Effie felt nervous and jittery; she glanced over her shoulder to see if she could still see the lanterns. She could. They seemed to be following them, their streaming stars of light getting neither closer nor farther away. She shivered.

“Mother the lights are following us. Maybe they are fairies or sprites.”

“Hush child, you’re letting your imagination get the better of you.”

Nevertheless she quickened her pace.  They said goodbye to Janet at the edge of the village and were soon home, glad to reach the warmth and light of their little cottage.

Effie lay awake for a long while that night wondering about the lights in the woods. Could it have been fairies, or maybe devil worshippers? Talk of witches and devil worshippers abounded in Fife at present. Witch trials were happening all across the region. Only last week a woman was imprisoned in St Andrews accused of witchcraft and worshipping the devil. The Minister had been full of it at Kirk on Sunday. How the evil was spreading across the land. But could it be possible in their peaceful little village? Effie felt goose bumps rise on her arms and pulled her blankets close around her.

 

Chapters

2

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Sabina Frost wrote 212 days ago

I've read two chapters, and the plot is unfolding nicely. The pace is great and the writing is neat, though you have quite a few misplaced commas which I've pointed out below. I like what the plot is developing into; I always love mentions of magic. I have a few pointers that I hope will be helpful, so take what you need and ignore the rest. :)

- ‘bedside(,) her head bowed’
- ‘right(,) let’s get to work’
- I’d say she ‘could (feel) no movement’
- ‘Mother’ should only be used with capital letter if it’s used as a name substitute, but you say ‘her mother’ and so it shouldn’t have capitals.
- ‘passed it to her mother(,) her hands shaking’
- ‘push(,) Dorothy’
- Loved ‘bruises on the horizon’!
- ‘a fire to life’, cut ‘in’

Chapter 2

- I’m finding it difficult to identify who the protagonist is. It’s Effie, isn’t it, according to the pitch? I don’t feel as if I know her at all. The viewpoint feels as if it jumps between her and Isobel. I think more of Effie’s thoughts, already in the first chapter during the birth, would improve this.
- ‘damage in this house(?)’
- ‘Isobel, Isobel(!)’
- ‘Thank you(,) child’
- ‘Yes(,) mistress’
- ‘before(,) Mrs Gregg’
- I think it should be ‘crops it (ate)’, instead of ‘had eaten’
- I’d like more description – of the village, of the house, of the people, of the forest. I don’t know what anything looks like.
- ‘start(,) Janet’
- ‘it is(,) Janet’
- ‘lanterns(,) Effie’
- ‘hurry(,) mother(,) they are getting nearer’
- ‘hush(,) child’
- ‘trees(,) making them clatter’
- ‘please(,) mother’
- ‘mother(,) the lights’
- ‘fairies or sprites(?)’

Overall, this is a well-written story with an interesting plot, and I think it'll do well!

Sabina Frost
A Ghost Tale

Lenny Banks wrote 306 days ago

Hi Bobby, I read chapter 3. I was captivated by the story, it fet as if I was there watching the events unfold. I believe it too closely describes events that are likely to have really happened, that is what makes this kind of story so believable. I had a couple of nip picks:
baker's wife, blacksmith's wife - is the apostrophy in the right place?
"What ever is the matter Janet?" she said (asked) - Is a question mark missing? and suggest a questioning remark unless it was intended as a statment.
Hold your horses... - does it need an apostrophy?
Overal it was an enjoyable read and I feel it will do well.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks: Tide and Time: At The Rock.
I would appreciate a return read if you are able to find the time.

Mindy Haig wrote 334 days ago

Hi Bobby,
I read your uploaded chapters today! I think you have a wonderful start here, the pace is quick, the reader is engaged the whole way. I am very curious about the Eagle Stone and it's power to protect children. I sort of got the impression that the wolf threw the dog off Effie's scent because it was protecting her. I was wondering if the wind in the woods was for the same reason, but there was not a mention of the stone or the medical bag being with them in the woods so I am not sure. I thought even with this being a children's/ YA fiction, that the hardships that Rob has been though, and the two characters losses could have been developed a bit deeper, giving more meaning to their willingness to help each other and stay together.

The only things that I saw that I thought were out of place was that you mentioned that Rob went away for a few minutes - mentioning Rob by name before he'd actually introduced himself, and in ch 6 there is one place where it says Rob told her his story as he rowed across the Forth - I think it is supposed to be Firth.
I hope you will upload more!
Best of luck!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Cara Gold wrote 335 days ago

{The Eagle Stone} – Bobby

Though I began reading this with my ‘editing cap’ on, I could hardly find fault!

The opening chapter is nice and short, with the vivid scene of the birth, described with excellent attention to detail. I like the mention of the ‘Eagle Stone’ too, linking back to the title. In short, engaging, and made me want to read on.

Chapter two and I like the hint at the supernatural toward the end, with the sudden gust of wind and the lanterns that seemed to be following them… nice and eerie, then the final paragraph with Effie’s thoughts on faeries and devil worshippers! In terms of constructive suggestions… I’d perhaps build up Effie’s feelings a little more in this chapter – concern for her mother, and then fear later in the chapter.

Nice tension in chapter three, and as a reader I feel like I’m developing more of a connection to Effie – especially by the last paragraph, when she is left alone. You also create a nice and atmospheric scene, great job.

In terms of nitpicks, I think ‘mother’ should be lower case; only capitalize if ‘mother’ is being used in place of a name, as in, addressing the mother:
e.g. ‘Hello Mother,’ Effie called. But ‘Effie watched her mother.’ See the difference? Unless of course this is deliberately done… I notice you capitalize ‘mother’ but not ‘father’, so if deliberate, just ignore this!

Overall a great read so far, hope to read more soon. High stars and watchlisted! Thanks so much for your ongoing support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’, it means a lot to me that you like my writing :)
Sincerely,
Cara

ELAdams wrote 341 days ago

This has a great premise, and I really like the story so far (I've read all seven chapters). The villagers' attitudes towards Isobel are vividly conveyed through dialogue, and the narrative is smooth and easy to read. Effie and Rob are both likable and young readers will be able to identify with them.

I did think you could maybe describe the characters' emotions a little more, as some sections such as the part when Isobel and Effie decide to leave the village, and Effie's journey to Edinburgh, feel slightly rushed, perhaps because it is predominantly dialogue-based. Whilst in a children's novel keeping a fast pace is vital, sometimes you could slow it down a little. Other than that, with some editing to fix minor errors, this has the potential to do well. I'm keen to learn about the significance of the Eagle Stone.

As you're a children's writer I definitely recommend joining critique groups like YARG and CHIRG - you'll be able to get more feedback from fellow writers for children, which can only be a good thing. High stars, and best of luck with this!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

rikasworld wrote 348 days ago

Hi, I have read all the chapters you have posted and enjoyed the story. There was another story on here a few months ago which had a first chapter which brilliantly described a medieval midwife at work but I think your first chapter is equally convincing. The character of Effie sympathetic. You evoke the feel and ideas of the period and the brutality of church and authority.
It's well written and fast moving. The only thing I felt was that as the novel is called the Eagle Stone and it obviously has some significance I would have liked to hear more about it in the first seven chapters.
High stars!

Colin Neville wrote 348 days ago

I think this is an excellent story for older children and younger teenagers.

It is simply written, with a fast-moving plot and, above all, captures the moral panic of the times - with prejudice directed at people who live close to nature but who are regarded by some as outside the mainstream of communities. This gives it a timeless feel and will appeal to teenagers, who often have great empathy and natural sympathy for such 'outcasts'. There is a good blend of background narration and dialogue and I read all that was posted here and would certainly be interested in reading the rest in due course.

Some points that I noticed, but feel free to disregard any you feel are not important.

Ch. 1 the term 'labouring woman' has a dual meaning, and I felt that the 'woman in labour' might have more immediately conveyed the action here the first time you use it.

C3: 'Let's find the witches get'. I wasn't sure what a 'get' was. Is this the right word?
You wrote about 'adrenaline' that coursed through her veins. Adrenaline is a modern discovery and I thought it better left out of a story set at a time before the word was coined. Same comment about 'lousy life' ch. 6, as this seems a rather modern term, although I am open to be corrected here.

c4. I find rhetorical questions, such as 'what on earth was she going to do now?' rather intrusive in any narrative and would suggest Effie's confusion is conveyed in other ways, maybe by her speaking aloud the same question.

'You're mother confided something in me' This should be 'your'.

C5: 'Hooves thundering' - a bit of a cliched expression. I also think of drumming rather than thundering in relation to the sound they make. You clearly have a good command of English and could coin a more creative metaphor, I'm sure.

C6 You wrote that 'Rob disappeared for a few minutes' before we are introduced to the character, e.g. you then write 'My name's Rob'.

However, these nitpicks are the needle, and the haystack of all this is that this is a very good story, which I enjoyed reading. I have great admiration for writers like yourself who get on with telling a story in a plain, clear & unpretentious way. Well done.

Emma.L.H. wrote 349 days ago

I absolutely love this, Bobby. There was a book on this site recently but for whatever reason, the author took it down. It was about a midwife in the middle ages and quickly became my favourite book on the site. You've given me a new one! Your descriptions are fantastic and certain lines such as ...clouds appeared like bruises on the horizon.... are beautifully written. Great characters, believable dialogue for the time period and you've done a great job with your research. I only noticed one slight niggle:

The last sentence doesn't sound right and there are some grammar issues. I've re-written it below, take it as you will.

Then the devil's work will be done amongst us and the crops will fail and the animals and bairns will die.'

You've done a great job with this and I for one would buy it! I think your book would benefit if you gave it a new cover to make it stand out. There is a member on here called Bradley Wind that will design a cover for you, for free, but it's only for use on Authonomy. He's done most on this site, including mine, and they are fantastic.

I don't want to reach the end of this now because I'll be gutted when there is no more to read! Highly starred and backed. Well done.

Debbie R wrote 368 days ago

Bobby, well your story certainly begins right in the thick of the action which is a real positive.

The characters of Isobel, Effie and Janet are very likeable. You introduce the eagle stone early on - beginning our intrigue as to what this stone is capable of.

In chap 2 you build the fear of the women and introduce the talk of witches. I do feel this is a little rushed.

Chap 3 lets us see how the village gossip is building endangering the women. The awful image of Isobel being dragged behind the horse is both shocking and powerful.

You write well but your pace could be a little slower. Perhaps just let it race in order to reflect certain parts of the story.

I enjoyed reading this and have starred it accordingly.

Best of luck
Debbie

Oriax wrote 371 days ago


Bobby, I read what you have posted and think you have the bones of a good story. You plunge us straight into the action, a lying in, a dead baby, the suspicion of witchcraft. You introduce us to the protagonists and start to build their characters from the first paragraphs.
One suggestion. I’d invoke the Great Mother to help in childbirth not the Great Father, sounds funny to me.
You provide a mystery with the Eagle Stone, which is obviously something that came be used to do good. Isobel is a great character, risking her life to help the woman who lost her baby. The reaction of the male members of society is horribly predictable – find somebody to blame and make her pay.
I think I’d agree with the previous comments that you can afford to take this a little slower. Take your time to describe the village, let Effie’s feelings of fear grow, especially in chapter three when she and Isobel decide they have to leave.
Sometimes there is needless repetition in the dialogue that slows it down, some of the replies are not always necessary.
Sending Effie to Edinburgh seems a bit of a long shot. It’ll take her ages to get there, and even if Beatrice is being hidden by the Laird’s brother, what can Effie do about it? Who can she tell? Won’t the Laird just have her bumped off on the quiet if she finds out about Beatrice? Questions you could bring up before she sets off, so she has a plan. Again, this part with Janet is a bit rushed.

I do like the idea of bribing Helen to get her to talk. Bribery isn’t something you usually find in YA characters, but it’s very effective.

All of this section in Edinburgh goes very quickly, like a speeded up film. It also goes extremely easily. Perhaps too easily. So far there haven’t been any hitches at all. Janet gets her away, the wolf scares off her pursuers, Rob ferries her across the Forth, Rob knows the house and The Ship inn. Even the weather seems to stay good. Possibly too many happy coincidences.

Rob is a very likeable and capable lad and seems to have stolen the limelight from Effie. Perhaps she could be given some more decision making to do? From when she meets Rob she seems to become more passive.

It seems to me that the subject matter of this story could suit older teens, it has the potential to be dark and disturbing. But even thought the treatment is aimed at much younger readers I think it could take more emotion and more obstacles. The action fairly bowls along, and bowls very smoothly too. I think you could afford to take it much slower and flesh out Effie’s character more. Make it more difficult, she’s had it pretty easy so far. There is a lot of action, but not much insight. More emotion wouldn’t hurt, just make Effie more real.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

Casimir Greenfield wrote 375 days ago

Hello Bobby - the opening to your book throws us right into the heart of the action, with a touching scene. Your evocation of the Scottish elements set the tone and the voice of the book immediately.

I feel, however, that this reads like an early draft. Your ideas are all strong, but you can take your time with the development and pace of each chapter. Show more, tell less.

Your punctuation here and there needs some tidying up. Try reading every single word out loud too - this can help with the rhythm and truth of the writing. If it stumbles or sounds wrong, that's where you can bring in changes.

Writing is about constant tweaking. I know I do it all the time.

I hope my comments are helpful.

All the best with the book. Keep in touch, Cas.

BlueDevil wrote 375 days ago

Hi Bobby,
I've read your first three chapters, and my impression is that you've made an excellent start. My suggestion would be to take a little more time with your scenes. Your pace is very fast, and I know as well as you, that we have to get to the action as quickly as possible in middle grade and YA, but I still think you could take a little more time. Your writing is very well plotted and I find myself not looking for more action, but more depth. I'd like to settle into the scenes a little bit more, get to know the mother and daughter a little bit more. I would say that I could use with 15% more words at this point. That's a very unusual thing for me to say because I'm usually all about trimming, but more detail, more dialog, more IM would fill out your writing in a pleasing way. How long do your chapters average, word count wise? My chapters are pretty short, but I think yours are even shorter. Remember, every time a chapter ends, the reader comes up for air, looks around, and realizes she has chores to do. It's an opportunity to set your book down and walk away. You don't want that.

There are a few (very few) grammar issues, but mostly a nice, clean read. Just slow it down a little bit, give your scenes a little more depth, and I think your story will be quite good.

Kathryn

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