Book Jacket

 

rank 5847
word count 10609
date submitted 11.05.2012
date updated 11.05.2012
genres: Historical Fiction, Children's
classification: universal
incomplete

The Eagle Stone

Bobby

Effie sets of on a perilous journey to prove her mother's innocence. After all - the penalty for witchcraft is burning

 

Effie and her mother, Isobel, live in a stiflingly small community where conflicts easily escalate and gossip and rumour thrive. The Laird dominates the villagers and they live in fear of offending him. Effie is only 13 years old when her mother, Isobel, is accused by the Laird of kidnapping his sixteen year old daughter, Beatrice, and killing her in a satanic rite. Isobel is arrested for witchcraft. The penalty for this crime is to be burned.

 
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Chapters

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Chapter Three

The next day the weather was bright and breezy, a good day for drying washing, so Effie and her Mother went down to the burn to wash their clothes and blankets. When they arrived, some boys were playing around the storm-swollen burn, clambering over tree trunks that had fallen across the water. When they saw Isobel and Effie, they began to chant and jeer.

“Witch, witch!

“Don’t let her look at you or you’ll be turned to stone,” one boy said.

“Or a slimy toad,” laughed another.

Effie looked at her Mother in horror.

“Away with you, you wee scallywags, or I’ll tell your Mothers of your mischief!” Isobel yelled.

“My Mother knows you are a witch,” one of the boys retorted. “My father was out setting traps with the Laird last night and they saw you dancing in the clearing in the woods with Janet Ross. The Laird said you must have been meeting the Devil. Then you conjured up a whirlwind and disappeared into it when you saw them.”

The boys ran off laughing.

“Silly boys,” Isobel said.

But Effie noticed her mothers’ hands trembling as she finished the washing.

 

“Mother, I think we should leave this village,” Effie said quietly as they sat by the fire that night. 

“Why on earth should we leave?” Isobel looked up in surprise.

“You know what happened to Agnes in St Andrew’s. She is still locked in the Tollbooth awaiting trial for witchcraft.”

“Don’t be scared by what some silly boys say lassie, anyway mothers need our help when they are labouring, who will help them if we don’t? And who will make up remedies for the sick?”

“But I think we draw attention to ourselves, it’s not good to be making remedies and healing the sick with all this talk of witchcraft going on. We’ve been seen in the woods at night and people think we are meeting the Devil.”

“Nonsense, no one seriously thinks we are Devil worshippers.”

“I still wish you would find a less dangerous occupation.”

Isobel laughed. “What on earth else would I do?”

“There are plenty of things you could do and me too. A midwife and healer’s life is not what I will choose. It is too dangerous now.”

Isobel laughed. “Well it’s up to you Effie; the women of our family have always been midwives, as far back as memory goes, but it’s your choice what you do with your life. If you choose another occupation, I’ll not stand in your way.

The following day Effie decided to find out if the villagers really did think her Mother was a witch. She made her way to where the main village street crossed the burn, right in the centre of the village; this was where the women often met to talk. Effie slipped down the banks of the burn so she could hide herself under the bridge and hear the villagers talking. But she needn’t have worried. The villagers were talking about the Laird’s daughter, a girl of sixteen, who had apparently gone missing.

“When did she go missing?” asked one.

“Last night,” the Bakers’ wife replied.

“Maybe she has eloped,the Blacksmiths’ wife suggested.

“But who with? None of the lads are missing,” another woman replied.

Effie crept away, her mind at rest.

A few days passed. The weather was dry but cold and windy. Effie and Isobel spent their time tidying the little cottage garden up, clearing the branches and leaves that the storm had blown into it. They gathered in their remaining summer crops, before the frosts came, storing them carefully for the winter ahead. They saw little of their neighbours, as everyone was busy with the last of the harvest and fixing fences, walls and buildings. No babies were due in the village and no one was taken ill, so Isobel was not called out to heal anyone. 

One evening, as the two were finishing their work in the cottage garden, they saw their friend Janet appear from the woods that surrounded their side of the village. She was breathless and white-faced. They ushered her inside and Effie poured her a cup of spiced ale. Isobel bid her sit down.

“Whatever is the matter Janet,” she said.

“Isobel, I had to come and tell you,” Janet‘s words came tumbling out. “You know that the Laird’s daughter Beatrice has gone missing?”

“Yes, Effie heard it in the village.”

Well the Laird is blaming you. He says you have used her as a sacrifice, that you’ve killed her as part of your magical rituals.”

Effie and Isobel were speechless with shock.

“Mother we will have to leave, it’s not safe for us here any longer.” Effie cried.

“Aye lassie, I think you’re right. It would be as well for me to go away for a little while ‘til this trouble has died down.”

“Where will you go?” Janet asked.

“Well I can’t go to any of the neighbouring villages the Laird would easily find me. I will have to hide out in the countryside for a while. Janet, will you keep Effie safe with you?”

“No Mother, I am coming with you, I’ll not leave you.” Effie cried.

“You will be safer with Janet.”

“Of course I will take her Isobel.”

“No, Mother, I will be safer out of this village too. With you gone the Laird and the Minister could easily turn on me, you know that they say witchcraft runs in families, they’ll call me a witch’s get, a witch’s child.”

“I hadn’t thought of that; maybe your right.”

“That’s settled then, shall we leave straight away? Effie said.

“Hold your horses’ lassie we will need to get ourselves ready; we cannot go into the countryside unprepared or we will not last a night. It is too late to leave today anyway; we’ll go at first light.

“Oh Mother we must be quick, I’m scared.”

“I’ll get things ready; there is a lot to prepare at such short notice. I haven’t even begun to make my winter cloak, though yours is ready Effie.”

“I have a warm cloak you can take Isobel,” Janet offered, and lots of other things you can have, food and suchlike. Let Effie come with me now and collect them while you pack up your things.”

“Thank you Janet, you are a very good friend.”

“Come on then Effie, let’s go.”

“I’ll be as quick as I can Mother.”

“Good lassie and don’t worry, we’ll be gone from here by dawn.”

Janet and Effie went off leaving Isobel to pack up the essentials for their journey into the Scottish wilderness. The two soon reached Janet’s cottage where Janet sorted out warm clothing, blankets and food and packed them up securely. 

“You take these back to your Mother now and I’ll go and collect a few herbs that might be useful. Bring your Mother back with you later and Ill make you a good meal before your journey.”

Effie hurried back to the cottage with her pack. It was dark and she was frightened to be out alone at night. As she neared the cottage, she could see several lights. That’s strange, she thought. Why on earth does Mother have so many candles burning? She quickened her pace. Suddenly she heard loud voices shouting followed by a terrible scream. It was followed by more noises: horse’s hooves stomping, dogs barking and an awful crashing and banging and tearing. She dropped her pack and rushed through the copse to her cottage. At last she could see the cottage clearly. It was surrounded by people. Women were screaming and men on horses were trampling through the cottage garden. What seemed like all of Effie and Isobel’s possessions lay strewn on the ground outside. Effie saw the Laird tip a box of medicine bottles onto the grass and trample them under his horses’ hooves.

Then the Laird dismounted his horse and went in to the cottage. He came back out a moment later dragging Isobel behind him. Effie watched in horror as The Laird tied Isobel to his horse and then mounted it. He lashed the horse with his whip and the horse lurched into a canter dragging Isobel feet first behind it. Effie was about to rush forward to try to help her Mother when she heard the Laird’s voice spit out.

“Now let’s find the witches get!”

He means me Effie realised and she shrank back into the copse, curling herself tightly by the roots of a tree. There was no point in her being captured; she would be no good to her Mother if she were locked up with her. A man on horseback came galloping towards the copse, Effie shrank back further in fear and then kept as still as she could, trying not to breath. Adrenaline coursed through her veins making her want to run like a frightened rabbit, but she made herself be still. The man passed. The other people had spread out through the woods and the village to seek her out. Effie began to breathe again in big panting gasps. The cottage in front of her lay deserted, all their possessions strewn about and broken, the herbs, flowers and vegetables in the little garden trampled, her Mother gone. Effie began to cry.

Chapters

3

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Sabina Frost wrote 213 days ago

I've read two chapters, and the plot is unfolding nicely. The pace is great and the writing is neat, though you have quite a few misplaced commas which I've pointed out below. I like what the plot is developing into; I always love mentions of magic. I have a few pointers that I hope will be helpful, so take what you need and ignore the rest. :)

- ‘bedside(,) her head bowed’
- ‘right(,) let’s get to work’
- I’d say she ‘could (feel) no movement’
- ‘Mother’ should only be used with capital letter if it’s used as a name substitute, but you say ‘her mother’ and so it shouldn’t have capitals.
- ‘passed it to her mother(,) her hands shaking’
- ‘push(,) Dorothy’
- Loved ‘bruises on the horizon’!
- ‘a fire to life’, cut ‘in’

Chapter 2

- I’m finding it difficult to identify who the protagonist is. It’s Effie, isn’t it, according to the pitch? I don’t feel as if I know her at all. The viewpoint feels as if it jumps between her and Isobel. I think more of Effie’s thoughts, already in the first chapter during the birth, would improve this.
- ‘damage in this house(?)’
- ‘Isobel, Isobel(!)’
- ‘Thank you(,) child’
- ‘Yes(,) mistress’
- ‘before(,) Mrs Gregg’
- I think it should be ‘crops it (ate)’, instead of ‘had eaten’
- I’d like more description – of the village, of the house, of the people, of the forest. I don’t know what anything looks like.
- ‘start(,) Janet’
- ‘it is(,) Janet’
- ‘lanterns(,) Effie’
- ‘hurry(,) mother(,) they are getting nearer’
- ‘hush(,) child’
- ‘trees(,) making them clatter’
- ‘please(,) mother’
- ‘mother(,) the lights’
- ‘fairies or sprites(?)’

Overall, this is a well-written story with an interesting plot, and I think it'll do well!

Sabina Frost
A Ghost Tale

Lenny Banks wrote 307 days ago

Hi Bobby, I read chapter 3. I was captivated by the story, it fet as if I was there watching the events unfold. I believe it too closely describes events that are likely to have really happened, that is what makes this kind of story so believable. I had a couple of nip picks:
baker's wife, blacksmith's wife - is the apostrophy in the right place?
"What ever is the matter Janet?" she said (asked) - Is a question mark missing? and suggest a questioning remark unless it was intended as a statment.
Hold your horses... - does it need an apostrophy?
Overal it was an enjoyable read and I feel it will do well.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks: Tide and Time: At The Rock.
I would appreciate a return read if you are able to find the time.

Mindy Haig wrote 335 days ago

Hi Bobby,
I read your uploaded chapters today! I think you have a wonderful start here, the pace is quick, the reader is engaged the whole way. I am very curious about the Eagle Stone and it's power to protect children. I sort of got the impression that the wolf threw the dog off Effie's scent because it was protecting her. I was wondering if the wind in the woods was for the same reason, but there was not a mention of the stone or the medical bag being with them in the woods so I am not sure. I thought even with this being a children's/ YA fiction, that the hardships that Rob has been though, and the two characters losses could have been developed a bit deeper, giving more meaning to their willingness to help each other and stay together.

The only things that I saw that I thought were out of place was that you mentioned that Rob went away for a few minutes - mentioning Rob by name before he'd actually introduced himself, and in ch 6 there is one place where it says Rob told her his story as he rowed across the Forth - I think it is supposed to be Firth.
I hope you will upload more!
Best of luck!
Mindy
The Wishing Place

Cara Gold wrote 336 days ago

{The Eagle Stone} – Bobby

Though I began reading this with my ‘editing cap’ on, I could hardly find fault!

The opening chapter is nice and short, with the vivid scene of the birth, described with excellent attention to detail. I like the mention of the ‘Eagle Stone’ too, linking back to the title. In short, engaging, and made me want to read on.

Chapter two and I like the hint at the supernatural toward the end, with the sudden gust of wind and the lanterns that seemed to be following them… nice and eerie, then the final paragraph with Effie’s thoughts on faeries and devil worshippers! In terms of constructive suggestions… I’d perhaps build up Effie’s feelings a little more in this chapter – concern for her mother, and then fear later in the chapter.

Nice tension in chapter three, and as a reader I feel like I’m developing more of a connection to Effie – especially by the last paragraph, when she is left alone. You also create a nice and atmospheric scene, great job.

In terms of nitpicks, I think ‘mother’ should be lower case; only capitalize if ‘mother’ is being used in place of a name, as in, addressing the mother:
e.g. ‘Hello Mother,’ Effie called. But ‘Effie watched her mother.’ See the difference? Unless of course this is deliberately done… I notice you capitalize ‘mother’ but not ‘father’, so if deliberate, just ignore this!

Overall a great read so far, hope to read more soon. High stars and watchlisted! Thanks so much for your ongoing support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’, it means a lot to me that you like my writing :)
Sincerely,
Cara

ELAdams wrote 341 days ago

This has a great premise, and I really like the story so far (I've read all seven chapters). The villagers' attitudes towards Isobel are vividly conveyed through dialogue, and the narrative is smooth and easy to read. Effie and Rob are both likable and young readers will be able to identify with them.

I did think you could maybe describe the characters' emotions a little more, as some sections such as the part when Isobel and Effie decide to leave the village, and Effie's journey to Edinburgh, feel slightly rushed, perhaps because it is predominantly dialogue-based. Whilst in a children's novel keeping a fast pace is vital, sometimes you could slow it down a little. Other than that, with some editing to fix minor errors, this has the potential to do well. I'm keen to learn about the significance of the Eagle Stone.

As you're a children's writer I definitely recommend joining critique groups like YARG and CHIRG - you'll be able to get more feedback from fellow writers for children, which can only be a good thing. High stars, and best of luck with this!

Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

rikasworld wrote 349 days ago

Hi, I have read all the chapters you have posted and enjoyed the story. There was another story on here a few months ago which had a first chapter which brilliantly described a medieval midwife at work but I think your first chapter is equally convincing. The character of Effie sympathetic. You evoke the feel and ideas of the period and the brutality of church and authority.
It's well written and fast moving. The only thing I felt was that as the novel is called the Eagle Stone and it obviously has some significance I would have liked to hear more about it in the first seven chapters.
High stars!

Colin Neville wrote 349 days ago

I think this is an excellent story for older children and younger teenagers.

It is simply written, with a fast-moving plot and, above all, captures the moral panic of the times - with prejudice directed at people who live close to nature but who are regarded by some as outside the mainstream of communities. This gives it a timeless feel and will appeal to teenagers, who often have great empathy and natural sympathy for such 'outcasts'. There is a good blend of background narration and dialogue and I read all that was posted here and would certainly be interested in reading the rest in due course.

Some points that I noticed, but feel free to disregard any you feel are not important.

Ch. 1 the term 'labouring woman' has a dual meaning, and I felt that the 'woman in labour' might have more immediately conveyed the action here the first time you use it.

C3: 'Let's find the witches get'. I wasn't sure what a 'get' was. Is this the right word?
You wrote about 'adrenaline' that coursed through her veins. Adrenaline is a modern discovery and I thought it better left out of a story set at a time before the word was coined. Same comment about 'lousy life' ch. 6, as this seems a rather modern term, although I am open to be corrected here.

c4. I find rhetorical questions, such as 'what on earth was she going to do now?' rather intrusive in any narrative and would suggest Effie's confusion is conveyed in other ways, maybe by her speaking aloud the same question.

'You're mother confided something in me' This should be 'your'.

C5: 'Hooves thundering' - a bit of a cliched expression. I also think of drumming rather than thundering in relation to the sound they make. You clearly have a good command of English and could coin a more creative metaphor, I'm sure.

C6 You wrote that 'Rob disappeared for a few minutes' before we are introduced to the character, e.g. you then write 'My name's Rob'.

However, these nitpicks are the needle, and the haystack of all this is that this is a very good story, which I enjoyed reading. I have great admiration for writers like yourself who get on with telling a story in a plain, clear & unpretentious way. Well done.

Emma.L.H. wrote 350 days ago

I absolutely love this, Bobby. There was a book on this site recently but for whatever reason, the author took it down. It was about a midwife in the middle ages and quickly became my favourite book on the site. You've given me a new one! Your descriptions are fantastic and certain lines such as ...clouds appeared like bruises on the horizon.... are beautifully written. Great characters, believable dialogue for the time period and you've done a great job with your research. I only noticed one slight niggle:

The last sentence doesn't sound right and there are some grammar issues. I've re-written it below, take it as you will.

Then the devil's work will be done amongst us and the crops will fail and the animals and bairns will die.'

You've done a great job with this and I for one would buy it! I think your book would benefit if you gave it a new cover to make it stand out. There is a member on here called Bradley Wind that will design a cover for you, for free, but it's only for use on Authonomy. He's done most on this site, including mine, and they are fantastic.

I don't want to reach the end of this now because I'll be gutted when there is no more to read! Highly starred and backed. Well done.

Debbie R wrote 369 days ago

Bobby, well your story certainly begins right in the thick of the action which is a real positive.

The characters of Isobel, Effie and Janet are very likeable. You introduce the eagle stone early on - beginning our intrigue as to what this stone is capable of.

In chap 2 you build the fear of the women and introduce the talk of witches. I do feel this is a little rushed.

Chap 3 lets us see how the village gossip is building endangering the women. The awful image of Isobel being dragged behind the horse is both shocking and powerful.

You write well but your pace could be a little slower. Perhaps just let it race in order to reflect certain parts of the story.

I enjoyed reading this and have starred it accordingly.

Best of luck
Debbie

Oriax wrote 372 days ago


Bobby, I read what you have posted and think you have the bones of a good story. You plunge us straight into the action, a lying in, a dead baby, the suspicion of witchcraft. You introduce us to the protagonists and start to build their characters from the first paragraphs.
One suggestion. I’d invoke the Great Mother to help in childbirth not the Great Father, sounds funny to me.
You provide a mystery with the Eagle Stone, which is obviously something that came be used to do good. Isobel is a great character, risking her life to help the woman who lost her baby. The reaction of the male members of society is horribly predictable – find somebody to blame and make her pay.
I think I’d agree with the previous comments that you can afford to take this a little slower. Take your time to describe the village, let Effie’s feelings of fear grow, especially in chapter three when she and Isobel decide they have to leave.
Sometimes there is needless repetition in the dialogue that slows it down, some of the replies are not always necessary.
Sending Effie to Edinburgh seems a bit of a long shot. It’ll take her ages to get there, and even if Beatrice is being hidden by the Laird’s brother, what can Effie do about it? Who can she tell? Won’t the Laird just have her bumped off on the quiet if she finds out about Beatrice? Questions you could bring up before she sets off, so she has a plan. Again, this part with Janet is a bit rushed.

I do like the idea of bribing Helen to get her to talk. Bribery isn’t something you usually find in YA characters, but it’s very effective.

All of this section in Edinburgh goes very quickly, like a speeded up film. It also goes extremely easily. Perhaps too easily. So far there haven’t been any hitches at all. Janet gets her away, the wolf scares off her pursuers, Rob ferries her across the Forth, Rob knows the house and The Ship inn. Even the weather seems to stay good. Possibly too many happy coincidences.

Rob is a very likeable and capable lad and seems to have stolen the limelight from Effie. Perhaps she could be given some more decision making to do? From when she meets Rob she seems to become more passive.

It seems to me that the subject matter of this story could suit older teens, it has the potential to be dark and disturbing. But even thought the treatment is aimed at much younger readers I think it could take more emotion and more obstacles. The action fairly bowls along, and bowls very smoothly too. I think you could afford to take it much slower and flesh out Effie’s character more. Make it more difficult, she’s had it pretty easy so far. There is a lot of action, but not much insight. More emotion wouldn’t hurt, just make Effie more real.
Jane

Wormholes
The Dark Citadel

Casimir Greenfield wrote 375 days ago

Hello Bobby - the opening to your book throws us right into the heart of the action, with a touching scene. Your evocation of the Scottish elements set the tone and the voice of the book immediately.

I feel, however, that this reads like an early draft. Your ideas are all strong, but you can take your time with the development and pace of each chapter. Show more, tell less.

Your punctuation here and there needs some tidying up. Try reading every single word out loud too - this can help with the rhythm and truth of the writing. If it stumbles or sounds wrong, that's where you can bring in changes.

Writing is about constant tweaking. I know I do it all the time.

I hope my comments are helpful.

All the best with the book. Keep in touch, Cas.

BlueDevil wrote 375 days ago

Hi Bobby,
I've read your first three chapters, and my impression is that you've made an excellent start. My suggestion would be to take a little more time with your scenes. Your pace is very fast, and I know as well as you, that we have to get to the action as quickly as possible in middle grade and YA, but I still think you could take a little more time. Your writing is very well plotted and I find myself not looking for more action, but more depth. I'd like to settle into the scenes a little bit more, get to know the mother and daughter a little bit more. I would say that I could use with 15% more words at this point. That's a very unusual thing for me to say because I'm usually all about trimming, but more detail, more dialog, more IM would fill out your writing in a pleasing way. How long do your chapters average, word count wise? My chapters are pretty short, but I think yours are even shorter. Remember, every time a chapter ends, the reader comes up for air, looks around, and realizes she has chores to do. It's an opportunity to set your book down and walk away. You don't want that.

There are a few (very few) grammar issues, but mostly a nice, clean read. Just slow it down a little bit, give your scenes a little more depth, and I think your story will be quite good.

Kathryn

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