A Skate Across Time

D.B., you've piqued my curiosity to get out there one of these days and watch a hockey game. You've got great descriptions throughtout, gems in fact. You also seem to have a natural talent for writing dialogue. Good pace. Good start, immediately grabbing a reader's attention with the intensity of your describing the play. I read the first couple of chapters and will read on soon. I agree with aurorawatcher's comments as to spelling and tightening the manuscript by eliminating pace bumps. You've got an interesting storyline, too, and I'm curious how you've developed it.
Donna
No Kiss Good-bye

I've read five chapters of Slide Across Time and enjoyed them. Being from Alaska, I'm pretty familiar with hockey and it's clear that you are too. The Christian elements of the story also ring true for me.

You're a good writer. There are some unnecessary words that slow the pace and you really need to put commas between personal pronouns and the rest of the sentence -- it so helps readability. A good read for editing by a second pair of eyes would definitely improve the work. For example "the team didn't 'fair' so well" should be "fare". It's easy as a writer not to notice the small stuff and your spell checker won't catch it, but a second person reading it probably would.

Your action and dialogue are believeable and interesting and I like the interaction between and among your characters. That said, there is a lot of explaining (or telling) rather than action (showing). It's something that a lot of the male writers on Authonomy seem to struggle with ... delving into what is going on inside their characters' heads. It so helps readers to connect with characters and feel what they are feeling when you develop that aspect of their personality. The long narratives explaining Jacob's rise to fame got a little draggy for me. A lot of times such information can be given in a few sentences here and there rather than in long, detail-oriented sections.

Overall, though, this story has potential.

Lela Markham (The Willow Branch)

Well written with just a few spelling errors, very minor. Jacob is an average young man with a great talent. For someone that has never seen a hocky game you describe it to a point where I can see it. Hope to read more of your book soon.
Good luck,
Christine
"Five Short Stories with a twist"

What a good book. You've captured the game and the emotion. I'm giving it six stars and putting it on my watch list. I hope you'll come over and read some of Stopped Cold. I hope you'll feel you can support it with a comment, stars, watch list or backing.

Dear DB: I'm not a great hockey fan, but I enjoyed reading your sweet, uplifting book. I especially liked the way you stood up for values and morals in the telling of your story. I can certainly see that you love hockey! and I can also see that you enjoy writing. You style of writing flows, entertains, and inspires. The only suggestion that I'd like to make at this point is that you do a bit of editing of your manuscript and watch out for unnecessary words and phrases which can slow the plot. Here's some examples from just the first chapter:
omit "too" from the sentence: "as he too was standing in..."
should be: "game's" in the sentence, "like the games..."
omit "fell out of my chair" in the sentence, "...live when I fell out of my chair" (it's a bit too exaggerated)
should be: "fast-paced, hard-hitting game."
D.B., no sense in my going on about the need for grammatical changes in your script as I'm sure you'll catch them yourself, but I just wanted to urge you to do the re-editing while you're still fresh on the site. Your plot is excellent: Jacob's introduction to the leagues, meeting and marrying Jennifer and having a son, Christian; Jack's heart attack and Jacob putting his dreams on hold, being cut from the team and going back, and then the beautiful, surprising letter from his grandmother. You are very talented at writing dialogue and this makes your book quite readable. If you don't mind spending the time to do so, a little more depth in the personalities of your characters would hold your readers' interest even more. Still, the book is a good story and it shows a lot of promise. I'm giving it stars and hoping it will do well in the ratings.

Hi D.B.

I'm so glad to be the first to comment on your wonderful book. :-) I read it this afternoon and made notes while I was reading but then I inadvertently lost my word document. So now I have to start over. But I think I can remember most of what I wrote.

First of all, this Michigander can not help but love your book. Red Wings Hockey, Traverse City cherries, icy cold winters, and Michigan apples. Oh yeah - the most beautiful place in the world. And how fun to see my Alma Mater, WMU, in your book. And I might add, Western has an excellent hockey team! But the thing that makes your book even sweeter is the message.

I love the sport, but more than anything, I love how you portray the Christian Life with it’s ups and downs and trying to find a place in the world without letting it take your soul. You have done such an excellent job with this. As I read I got the same feeling I get when I watch those movies like “Facing the Giants, Courageous, or Fireproof. They are stories that entertain and inspire all at the same time.

Your story starts out with a very exciting commentary and then you introduce the Riley Family - Salt of the Earth… and they have been blessed with a very gifted son. The story takes off from there as the reader experiences Jacobs success, his failures with an important relationship, and then the tragic attack on the ice that seems to end Jacob's career. The plot is really good. It’s one that will appeal to the guy or the girl.

If your target audience is mainly a male one, you might get away with all the telling that goes on in your book, but if you want to reach the heart of your reader, you’re going to have to do a lot more “showing.” Let your reader get inside Jacob and Jen’s head and maybe even Jack’s head. Write in each of their perspectives but make sure you separate their viewpoints with some white space or stars.

Your writing is really very wonderful, but it would be even better with a thorough edit. It’s something we all need. I still continue to find mistakes after having my book combed through on the site for seven months.

A couple glaring things I noticed was “Dad” needs to be capitalized when Jacob is speaking to Jack and then a comma needs to separate Dad from the rest of the sentence. Here’s a couple examples. “Thanks a lot, Dad.” “You’re welcome, Jacob.” “Keep quiet, Mr. Smarty Pants.”

I made notes of some missing words and such, but I lost them all. Other readers will eventually point them out to you, I’m sure.

Well anyway, I think you have a great thing going here and I will be happy to back your book when I get an open shelf space in about two weeks. For now I’ll watch list and star very highly.


Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood