CATACOMBS

I enjoyed reading the chapters you have posted. CATACOMBS has a lot of promise. The writing reminds me of some of the quirky elements of Rushdie, especially his comical characters. I agreee with previous posters that this needs a couple of edits to make this what it can--and should--be. I have a couple of suggestions. A minor suggestion is when you write that someone "nodded his head." That occurred twice. It may seem trivial, but it doesn't work for "nod" like "shake." With "shake," you should indicate what part of the body was shaken. You can shake your head, shake your hands or fingers. Disco queens have been known to shake their booties. But what else can one nod besides his/her head? "He nodded" would suffice. More major is in, I believe, Chapter Four. You write that "somehow" Madhu discovered that no one in his family line had died from natural causes for the past 100 years. How? This should be in the story for us, the readers, to discover along with Madhu. I would have hated it if Harper Lee in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD had written, "somehow Boo saved Scout's life." Please add how Madhu discovered what he discovered. I'm curious, and that's a good thing!

Speaking of which, you have made me curious about why the uncle doesn't want Madhu to hear what happened to Naanu Nair after Kathreena's death, and what they will find at the temple the next morning. Excellent stopping point here!

I would love to read this novel when I have the opportunity!

Sathya your novel "Catacombs" has a unique concept that is fresh for the poltergeist gendre. There is a lot of areas you can dive into here that when fine tuned will put your novel in the M.R. Joyce or Peter Straub category.

The storyline and narrative are strong and just give this an honest edit about three times and this will explode like a rocket. There are a lot of great people on Authonomy giving great edits that will polish up your diamond in the rough. Keep writing you have a great imagination for it!--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi! I enjoyed the story line very much so. And like may others some of it for me was a little hard to follow. You have amazing plot and great characters mapped out though. Ill continue to read. Take care and if I can I will try and back it when I have room on my shelf.
Patricia

Hi and thank you for asking me to check out your book. Unfortunately it is obvious that English is not your first language and so many of your word choices are wrong and there are also errors in grammar and syntax littering the text. My advice in such cases is that it would be best to try to get published in your native language and hope that your publisher will pay for it to be professionally translated into English for the foreign market. All the best with the writing

CATACOMBS
This is a good story. The first chapter is amusing in the way no one knows the man who died, but everyone pretends they do. Exactly the way things happen. The scene with the cigarettes and the police officer in the next chapter carries that same, what a fun book to read, tone. I checked back and read your bio and how your wife doesn’t support your writing. Join the club. And keep on writing. Your style is clear and inviting. Your characters interesting. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hello Sathya.

Your novel shows a lot of promise, you can really flesh out a lot of interesting scenarios from your genre. The characters are very well constructed but the characterization has room for improvement. Perhaps if you could spend time on editing, your story will see a lot of improvement. I am rooting for this book to succeed!

Hi Sathya,
I've read first chapter of your book. You definitely have a strong plot and effective characterization. However, I think there need to me some minor editing (Same is the problem with mine too!!! and I am in the process of correcting those). All in all you have talent to continue in the profession. Keep it up. Will try to read the rest soon.

Regards
Liinsa Hines
Behind the Revolutions- Walk with a Soul

Hi,
Finally got here for the swap we agreed.
The fact that you are not writing this from the usual perspective of a Brit or American has both a positive and negative impact on this for me as a reader. On the positive side there's an element of interest generated by the fact that this is about a different culture. On the negative side it makes it difficult for me to relate to your main character as the degree to which he is politicised while at school is just so different to anything I ever encountered even at University. The thought of having a Communist supporting student group calling a strike at an English school just wouldn't happen.
Writing wise it's a good effort if English isn't your first language, and I commend you for that, although it does need a bit of editing to make it read spot on.
If I'm totally honest the impression I get from the opening is that this would work better in your domestic market and then be best served by a more anglicised version for the UK / US market. For me the politics of the start didn't provide what I'd hoped for from the pitch, a ghost story, and although this will come later you do run the risk of losing readers if you leave it too long before that element kicks in.
Hopefully you will see where I'm coming from. I suppose it's a case of nothing wrong with what I read, it just didn't tally with what I expected.
James

I love ghost stories! And this one was very enjoyable. I like how the ghost "sauntered" around and then vanished into then air. This is well written and flows easily. Good job.

Hi,
I found your story unique and interesting. Your writing flowed with ease and your characters were introduced in a compelling way. I feel with editing this could be a great book! There are a few places where your translation into the English language may be correct, but it could be said in a better way. One example is: What's it this time? (Do not use the contraction here. Say--What is it this time?) This way flows better.
I will read more soon!
Sara Stinson
FingerBones

Hello, Sathya (Catacombs)
Your writing is certainly very rich - almost too much perhaps! I Perhaps a bit of the everyday now and then to break up the writing as the reader has to visualise so much during the reading; I found I had to stop. Also, a bit more showing rathr than telling. The chapters I read were a bit like reading a police report or a textbook. Yes, all the info is there but, as I say, it is very rich. There were a few editing points which I won't go into now, except for one. The name Nair is the name of a cream for women to get rid of hair on their legs, etc, so you may like to change that. Good luck.
Jane M

There are some grammatical and syntax issues as highlighted by other commenters.

The novel does need some further editing, just to ensure your punctuation is tightened and that you don't overuse terms; for example, often during dialogue you write 'exclaimed', 'asked', 'stated', 'told' and the like; don't be afraid of simply writing 'he said' or 'she said' a lot more as (to paraphrase multi-award winning British author Neil Gaiman) these become invisible. They'll tell the reader everything they need to know without being a word that sticks out on the page. Using alternatives makes them visually obvious and can lessen their impact.

Also be careful when using too many Indian-specific terms - "studying in the tenth standard" isn't a term I've ever heard before in the US, UK or Australia and while I assume it means the equivalent of the tenth grade, I question whether that specific information needs to be there at all. It doesn't really add much to the experience of a reader outside India as we've already been told the character's age.

Although it isn't a genre I typically read, from the blurb, the concept seems really good. However the details and the presentation need to be ironed out. With a few minor adjustments by a good editor, though, I'm sure this has the potential to do well.

C. Aric Hanley / A Piece of String

I enjoyed reading the chapters you have posted. CATACOMBS has a lot of promise. The writing reminds me of some of the quirky elements of Rushdie, especially his comical characters. I agreee with previous posters that this needs a couple of edits to make this what it can--and should--be. I have a couple of suggestions. A minor suggestion is when you write that someone "nodded his head." That occurred twice. It may seem trivial, but it doesn't work for "nod" like "shake." With "shake," you should indicate what part of the body was shaken. You can shake your head, shake your hands or fingers. Disco queens have been known to shake their booties. But what else can one nod besides his/her head? "He nodded" would suffice. More major is in, I believe, Chapter Four. You write that "somehow" Madhu discovered that no one in his family line had died from natural causes for the past 100 years. How? This should be in the story for us, the readers, to discover along with Madhu. I would have hated it if Harper Lee in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD had written, "somehow Boo saved Scout's life." Please add how Madhu discovered what he discovered. I'm curious, and that's a good thing!

Speaking of which, you have made me curious about why the uncle doesn't want Madhu to hear what happened to Naanu Nair after Kathreena's death, and what they will find at the temple the next morning. Excellent stopping point here!

I would love to read this novel when I have the opportunity!

I really liked the premise of this novel. The plot is fairly unique and you seem to have a cast of well defined characters. However, i wasn't immediately drawn in by the opening of your story as a lot of information was 'told' and not 'shown' about your main character which put me off slightly.
This book does have a lot of potential, however there were some grammar issues and occasions where tenses became confused.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck with this.
Amy :)

Hey I really loved the concept of your book.
The storyline was really interesting and to be honest I found myself quite sad when I had read all that you have up.
I found the writing to be easy to read, and the description and narrative to be rather tantalizing.
The characters are really well developed and I found myself quite entertained.
The only thing is some words weren't used correctly and it threw me off a bit
A little bit of editing would just perfect this already really good piece.
Can't wait to hear what you think of mine.
High stars!

- Bree

Hi Sathya, I read chapter 4 and looked through some of the previous comments. I agree that you have a fascinating story, and it is a great idea to write it down and share it. I was gripped to your story, and wanted to know what happened next. It did feel like I was being told what happened, like it was a bed time story being read to me, but I felt this was alright, it would be hard to add bits of dialogue and it would move away from what you are trying to achieve. You do need to edit it but we are all guilty of that when we start out, someone suggested to me that I should read my own out loud, and it really did help to identify where I needed to make changes. The story could be easier for some others to read with a few tweeks: "The hapless man had fell from the coco tree that bent as it grew over the canal."

I wish you a lot of luck with this piece and hope you can read mine sometime soon.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

This is a classic case of telling and not showing. You are telling the reader what is happening like a report, you need to show the story and the characters emotions through their observations, reactions and dialogue.

Thank you for asking me to read your book. It is on my shelf and I'll be reading soon!

Hi Sathya. Intrigue by the first couple of chapters; although a few typos' and punctuations did stand out. It take away from the story. i dislike to much descriptive writing and loads of continuous dialogue...your's is just about right. will read more and have placed on bookshelf for a while. Good luck
Pat

Hi, I read a bit of this. You are a very talented writter. And I love the names of your characters, they are so other worldly. I loved that even though I found some bits a bit hard to understand, your writing easily painted a picture in my head. The flow of it all is flawless, and this really intrigues me. Wonderful job.

Hi, I read a bit of this. You are a very talented writter. And I love the names of your characters, they are so other worldly. I loved that even though I found some bits a bit hard to understand, your writing easily painted a picture in my head. The flow of it all is flawless, and this really intrigues me. Wonderful job.

Sathya your novel "Catacombs" has a unique concept that is fresh for the poltergeist gendre. There is a lot of areas you can dive into here that when fine tuned will put your novel in the M.R. Joyce or Peter Straub category.

The storyline and narrative are strong and just give this an honest edit about three times and this will explode like a rocket. There are a lot of great people on Authonomy giving great edits that will polish up your diamond in the rough. Keep writing you have a great imagination for it!--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi! I enjoyed the story line very much so. And like may others some of it for me was a little hard to follow. You have amazing plot and great characters mapped out though. Ill continue to read. Take care and if I can I will try and back it when I have room on my shelf.
Patricia

Catacombs-
Good long and short pitch- I picked this for my watchlist to read later, long before you asked for a review.
Chapter one- I had a hard time with the setting- I was feeling really confused until the end of the chapter indicated India. Minor spacing issues in Chapter one and throughout the story.
Chapter 2- Some cumbersome sentences such as- "Under these circumstances, without sufficient cause, no one dared or could thank a police officer the application of which piece of reasoning making Madhu's task much easier as he beat a retreat without giving the inspector his due." - There has to be a better way of getting your point across.

I picked this to read cause it is in the genres that I typically like. I believe that you may have a story worth telling here, however, as it is currently written it is very hard to connect to. It seems we are being told what is going on- I would prefer to see the story through the character's eyes. It is my usual practice to read to the end of what is posted, however, in this case I just couldn't get through it- I found myself skimming the story which is a bad sign. Sorry. Best wishes. Desi.

Hello NMott,
Thanks for the DESTRUCTIVE criticism you have offered.
While I acknowledge the fact that there are errors /anomalies in the diction and cohesion ,I am pretty confident that my English is much better than that of many native speakers of the language.

Since English belongs to the Aryan language category,having been originated from Sanskrit/Latin,it is not as much a foreign language to me as it is to some others!
You have in your comment said of 'errors in grammar'- that , let me tell you, shows you still have to go back to your basics,for there cannot be errors in grammar.But there could be ungrammatical usages.(Look up Eric Partridges "Usage and Abusage ' for more details.
So,get your own rudiments correct before launching into such assault.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

Hi and thank you for asking me to check out your book. Unfortunately it is obvious that English is not your first language and so many of your word choices are wrong and there are also errors in grammar and syntax littering the text. My advice in such cases is that it would be best to try to get published in your native language and hope that your publisher will pay for it to be professionally translated into English for the foreign market. All the best with the writing

Hi and thank you for asking me to check out your book. Unfortunately it is obvious that English is not your first language and so many of your word choices are wrong and there are also errors in grammar and syntax littering the text. My advice in such cases is that it would be best to try to get published in your native language and hope that your publisher will pay for it to be professionally translated into English for the foreign market. All the best with the writing

CATACOMBS
This is a good story. The first chapter is amusing in the way no one knows the man who died, but everyone pretends they do. Exactly the way things happen. The scene with the cigarettes and the police officer in the next chapter carries that same, what a fun book to read, tone. I checked back and read your bio and how your wife doesn’t support your writing. Join the club. And keep on writing. Your style is clear and inviting. Your characters interesting. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi, you asked me to take a look at your book. It is not really one for me, but I read acouple of chapters in any case. Looking at what you have and some of the comments below, I find myself in agreement with Mike Lee. For instance, you still have an issue with tense in a paragraph in chapter one. Perhaps you could give it an edit based on comments received and then let me know, and I could take a longer look.

backed!

Hey there, I finally had a chance to read the first part of your story and am very intrigued to read on. I will do my best to read a little more, each day.

Hello Sathya,
I have received your invitation to read your work, and I must say that I am very pleased I read it. However, just a few points to consider though, some sentences are a bit confusing. There was one bit about Madhu recalling his incident with the cop? It was a little confusing. Also, your prose could benefit from a little more color. To be honest, I was driven to read it through because of the plot, had it not been for your very nicely written pitch, I think I wouldn't have gone past the first chapter.
One thing is certain though, you have a very good premise here. I would love to see where the story would go.

Regards,
imddonkey

Very good choice of topic. Unique. The shaky political environment and the conversations at the school provide a good start to the novel. You have a good amount of dialogue as well that keeps me reading through the first chapter.

Suggestion: The writing doesn't have a clear flow to it. I think it might just be a matter of tweaking some sentences so that there is more balanced movement between them.

Hi Sathya,

I've read the first two chapters of your story. I find the story in itself interesting but difficult to read. Some of the sentences don't flow as smoothly as I think they could if you removed and rearranged some of the words. For instance in Chapt 1, the sentence beginning, As he approached the play ground in the middle of the school complex, he saw from a distance ...etc... I think this sentence might read smoother if you changed it just a bit. "Approaching the play ground, in the middle of the school complex, he distantly saw a small gathering of grown ups and students; all were looking at him. He recognized them at once; left wing activists and friends.

Another example .. "Although he didn't know who the man in question was and how he was murdered. I think this sentence might be better, Although he didn't know the man in question or how he was murdered, etc ... Simply leaving out the word "who" & "was" I believe, gives it a polished look.

It seems we never finish editing! Good Luck!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground (A supernatural horror novel)

I read the first two chapters and found the voice to be interesting and lively. There are quire a few word choice problems and phrasing issues to do with the language. Some of these are obviously part of the voice, others seem like sloppy editing. The start of the story is a bit slow, maybe you should think about moving some action up into the first chapter.

Sathya, in response to your note, I have had a look at your story.
I note from your profile that you are from, and living in, India. While I have never been to India, my impression is that the English spoken there leans heavily towards the British, rather than American English, so some of the observations I make may be off-target, as I am American. I also not that some of the comments by people with names that sound neither British nor American find no errors in your grammer and word use, so perhaps there is an Indian dialect of English that I am entirely unfamiliar with. However, as an American, there are some problems which make the story a bit more difficult to read.

I found myself confused trying to follow the action, at times. For example, when Mahdu is thinking "it had to do with his being a school leader" I could not tell who the "his" referred to; Mhadu or the person he was watching.
In the third paragraph, Mahdu "recognizes them at once- leftist activists and his friends..." is confusing to me because I can't tell if Mahdu is recognizing his friends, who happen to be leftist activists, or if he sees two groups, leftist activists and his friends, joined in a group. On re-reading, it became clear to me, but if the reader has to re-read often, it is frustrating. You also changed your verb tense in that paragraph (a minor matter we all have to watch our for.)

There are some words that Americans simply would not use as you have used them, and some of them are obvious errors where you used a similar word to the correct one, others are possible uses of the word but are unlikley to be used that way over here. For example, you mentioned "leviathans in Delhi," by which I assume you mean "important people." But to use that term here, you would have to qualify it, saying something like, "leviathans of the criminal mob" or something that shows just what KIND of big shots these people are.

Likewise, you have a character who is speaking "pause and then hasten to say" something more. In the way you have written it, it appears contradictory as first glance. Upon reflection, as a reader I can gather that the speaker pauses, and then percieves he must add something to what he said, but, again, it is a bit awkward to read, and doesn't allow me, as an American reader, to flow throught he narrative and follow the story.
The name of the murdered man is given to Mahdu as "-afdar -ashmi" then Mahdu gives it to the headmaster as " -ffdar -shmi," who then repeats it as, "-fdar -hmi." Finally, the name appears in the newspaper as "Safdar Hasmi." I am not able to guess what this represents. Is this an indication that none of these people, all of whom are trying to present as if they know who this is and care that he is dead, can't get the name right? Is it a common event in India for names to be abbreviated by leaving off the first sounds of the name? You see, if someone here got my name wrong, and spoke about "-ike -ee" being in an accident, people would not pretend to even understand that a name had been mentioned; they would simply call the police and tell them there was a drunk person bothering them. And without a frame of reference to make sense of that passage, I lose track of the story entirely, and wonder what is supposed to be going on with the names.
So, here is my advice: There appear to me to be too many discrepencies with American English for this story to be popular with Americans. I have no idea if English speakers in the UK might make sense of it more easily. But perhaps your target market is English-speaking Indians? To be entirely honest, I don't even know if most Indians read books in English or not, so I am entirely unequipped to guess what the market for the book is. If you want to market it to America, I think you will have to find a native speaker of American English to correct the issues which will confuse American readers. If you want to market to Indian or other English speakers outside of America, then I have no adivce for you; it is outside of my experience. It may read fine, as is, or it may need work.

As to the content of the story, I do find your characters interesting, but they all seem to operate a bit mechanically, or at the least, dispassionatly, their entire experience as it is communicated to us is intellectual, rather than emotional. Mahdu is confused by the leftists approach to him, but there is no sign of apprehension or anxiety, or any other emotional response. This is important because we are left with no idea as to whether any of these events are significant or not. It may simply be that you are introducing characters, and putting them into the environment that the story will take place in- but if that is the case, we need to understand more of the character's expirience. We gain sympathy for characters when they suffer, we admire them when they do the right thing, especially when it is hard, or dangerous, or requires sacrifice, we grow frustrated with them or for them, or laugh at them, when they do stupid things... but I have no idea what Mahdu was doing in chapter one. Was he trying to do the right thing? Was he simply inconvenienced by being obligated? Or were his actions simply convenient? My impression is that none of the characters are actually acting on their own values and decisions, but simply caught up in the theater of trying to look like they are doing the proper thing... but I don't know, and can't really tell.... and again, this might be plain to an Indian reader, but to me, it's very murky.
So, there are some good things in the writing. The characters are workable, but I need a better understanding of what they are trying to do. Your use of language is very nice, notwithstanding the parts I can't understand. The premise, as described in the pitch, appears to be very promising (by the way, "agnostic" does not actually preclude a belief in ghosts. It means, literally, "one who denies having any special knowledge" of spiritual issues. Theoretically, an agnostic is open to the idea of a new expirience, and having that new experience, they would then become gnostic, or "one who has personal, special knowledge." Communists are not agnostic, they are atheistic, or "without god" and would not beleive in ghosts.)

So, in the end, Sathya, I can only say that if you are marketing to Americans, you have some work to do, and if you are marketing to non-Americans, I can't be of any help to you. Good luck with this story, and if you do choose to find a native speaker of American English to work with, drop me a note, and I will happily have another look.

Best regards,
Mike Lee

hi thanks for sharing your book but i couldn't really get into it sorry. Good luck

An intrestic topic indeed....I dont understand how come all the master of craft are still unpublished.

Hi Satya,
Your novel Catacomb seems to be a typical Fairy-tale. Good for children's interest as it's written in simple and easy language. I find it quite ok from the grammar point of view. A good effort and keep it up.
I give 4 stars to your book.
Dr. Rajeev Pundir
New Delhi

Hi Sathya,

Thanks for your invite...I have gone through the first two chapters of your book. Firstly, the plot seems interesting...looks more like a Socio-fantasy story. Although, the first two chapters haven't started off with the main plot, I could get a sense of your writing style, which has been pretty good until now, except for some minor tweaks. I have found a couple of spelling mistakes and tense changes in the first chapter. That's pretty much the only thing can point at the moment. Will read further when I find time and comment back.

Cheers,
Mithun Kalaga

Catacombs

Thankyou for this entertaining read. Its unusual and entertaining. I enjoy a book that is a little different and takes me into a world I am not accustomed to.
You have a unique voice and you write very well. I enjoyed the chapters I read, they were interesting and detailed. You have created a great character with Madhu.
Highly starred.
Ruby Middleton
'Will Ryan'

Sathya,
"Catacombs" is unique in that it delves into Indian student life which is uncommon fare to the world at large. Being an insider you certainly have the knowhow with which to go over your valuable material in meticulous detail. Your character Mahdu is sympathetic, making the reader want to cheer him on as he surmounts obstacles he enounters with hilarious frequency. Thank you so much for the entertaining tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Sathya
I am reading your book. Just as I finished the first chapter, it attracted my attention and I left four stars and backed it. It seems to me to be a good book, and I will leave you more comments, hope it will help.......
wishes...naeim

There were a few mistakes(typos) that can be taken care of when you proof read and do edits. I like the description, it helped me visualize very well. I could see Madhu walking about and the different expressions on his face at different points in the chapter. Only one thing, and this is only my opinion I'm no expert. The first chapter is always so important could you add a little more excitement, some more suspense? Is the death of Safdar Hashmi important? If it is give some foreshadowing that could be answered later on in the story (that 'aha!' moment). Will be back to read this, I am rating it with five stars and it is on my watchlist.

I really enjoyed your story, it easy to understand and readable. I understood that Madhu would be the Hero of this story. The issue of Politician would be also meaningful. I wanted to read the remaining chapter but i have a bad server here. But i have rated it six stars [outstanding].

Isoje David

Animals in Paradise