Caitlin Riddler Makes A Wish

Hi, Suzanne!

I don't know how you can manage to make demonic high school girls and harmful aliens into such a cute and engaging narrative, but you've done it. I agree with some of the other comments that this needs a good grammar sweep; that would make the reading much smoother. As for the characters and dialogue, you did a great job there, and it was *very* believable.

I support you with stars, and best of luck!

~Shelley
Sea of Jasmine

High points for voice, dialog and characters. Really well done!
Things I might tinker with: perhaps more setting description in chapter one. The prologue about string theory felt...can I say tangled? It didn't grab me. I'd rather launch right into the dialog that follows.
But the overall story telling and flavor seems right on the mark for a YA audience.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Soul sucking intergalactic demon now there's an oringinal kick ass concept! You had me at soul sucking though. I'm really going to sink my teeth into this and give a good review. Let's hope you knocked it out the park as you did the pitch and first chapter.

Now I'm going back to my glass of rum and writing in the filler chapter. I need to place those chapters between vampire voodoo dolls while listening to "Life By The Drop" by Stevie Ray Vaughn. Those pesky dolls really give my main character Hell.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Caitlin Riddler Makes a Wish
Suzanne Jefferies

Writing style, characterization and story telling is all excellent. I loved the atmosphere of the story. I think this has great potential.
I made some notes while I read, which I hope will be useful for you.

Chapter 1
'...boyfriends who drive red cards with...' (cars)

Chapter 2
Nice transition from high school girls to guy hurtling through space!
'Nothing earth shattering' (Maybe in the context - flying from venus to mars with a leglon - another planet's name substituted for 'earth' would work better?)
In the paragraph starting 'The Leglon's arms hurried...' you use 'Xavier' three times. Feels a bit cluncky and could do with a him/his/he instead.)
'Disbelief gave way to swift anger' (Disbelief swiftly gave way to anger)
'With grim humour he saw him, the yellow dot, moving....' (himself)
You repeat 'Xavier hung onto the edge of his passenger seat, claws super-glued to the plastic. Death was probably imminent. Crashing infinitely more so.' I would reconsider this.

Chapter 3
You are missing some punctuation marks in places, for example: '"You need help child"' (You need a fullstop at the end and also a comma before child)
Also: '"Blah, blah, boring" Joss started to plait...' (You need a fullstop after boring and before the inverted commas. If you had said 'Joss said as she starte....' then it would have had to be a comma.)
'You wish you hope you plead you bargain and what?' (You wish, you hope, you plead, you bargain and, what?)



I think this is perfectly suited for your target audience.

Best of luck!
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Hi Suzanne,

This fits the current YA market like a glove. Really tight narrative too in a great easy to read style. Can see teenagers really attaching to your MC. This is the type of story that would make a great movie, lots of action and Drama.

Best of luck with this,
Janny

This is certainly a convincing representation of the milieu that you are attempting to describe and commercially a very rich area I ahould think, granted that everyone has beeen through it . It has energy , style and hmour . Watchlisted and starrred. Could you look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is et amongst Pirates in thye 17th century,best wishes Strachan Gordon.

Hi ya Suzanne,
I have to say what a delightful story you have here. As I was trolling about the latest books, I happen to stumble across yours and I have to say that I am not disappointed with this find. Normally I don't go for the young adult stories (I hale from where Twilight is like the plague devouring all that is in its wake) but yours is differently. Very quirky and absolutely original, it had me reading nonstop till I reached the end of chapter three. I do hope you continue to upload more chapters for us here at Authonomy. Oh by the way, I really like you Caitlin character.

Best of luck ta ya here,
Dakota

Wonderfully original and quirky. Love the dark humour. Very well written, too.On my watchlist.