Primal Attribute, Book One of the Elementalist's Chronicles

Primal Attribute, Was on my list because it promised adventure and romance- basically what I look for in a good read. However I really struggled with this- I found myself irritated by Din's friends childish interactions- not very comical. I think getting rid of the friends and really focusing on character development of Din and the other main characters would be better. Here are some other thoughts that might be helpful...

Not sure if the Letter of Introduction is necessary. Also more character development- we don't get a feel for Din- and her friends tend to be distracting stereotypes.

Chapter 2/Prologue-
Grabbed and held interest in the story- I think this is a preferable start to the Letter of Introduction.
Editorial issues- "But honestly, did you really believe it (would?) work against me?"

Chapter 3/Chronicle Two-Some of the dialogue is stiff- "We, Destiny, Charity, and I, are so happy for you." Seems as if you are trying to introduce all these characters and it comes off as unnatural.
and "You some new kind of hotness."- something missing and perhaps a bit modern for scene. Mina character annoying- not entertaining.

Chapter 4/Chronicle Two-
"Myotis had made the comment that where you sat in the theater reflect(s?) how you where (were?) if (in?) life-"
The dialogue between characters when the demons attack in the theater seems too slow for what is happening-they seem to be calmly discussing what is happening- very little emotional reaction here.
Also when Din was running from monsters she fell- kinda cliche- at least she was saved by Ivy instead of a male which would have been typical.

Chapter 5/Chronicle Three-
How many times has Talim called Mina an idiot?
Darkness is an interesting character- perhaps one that doesn't seem stereotypical.

Chapter 6/ Chronicle Four-

"You won't be processed (possessed?) by anything."

Hope this was helpful. Best wishes. Desi.

Here is the review I promised, finally. I read all that you had here before commenting to give a good evaluation.
I actually like your first chapter or "Letter of Introduction", very unique and entices the reader to go on.
Your Prologue, Chapter 2, continues that enticement, but it does bring up some issues. It was hard to follow who was who. Is Death the woman, or Siegfried, or someone else, or just a concept? I couldn't figure that out and it threw off the story.
Then you get into your Chronicles. After the first two Authonomy chapters, I was expecting you to start out with what the world was before the Elementals changed all that. But instead you start out in the world that follows. OK, that's fine. It would have been nice to see the transition. Maybe you show that later in your novel.
Next, your pitch didn't seem to fit your story. Din's world didn't seem that perfect from the start. She never gets the man she loves, her friends seem to be annoying and she doesn't wield any new power. I don't know how long this book is going to be, but it seemed like it was taking to long for the main things to happen to Din. They are basically being chased by monsters, which is good, but she is helpless to do anything about it. Now it looks like the next few chapters that you don't have posted, something big will happen to her. But that seems a little bit to far into the story.
Also, how old is Din and her friends? Especially Talim and Mina. They seem to be very immature for 18 to 20+ year olds and would fit the 14 to 16 year old range better. But then Din would be too young to be getting married.

Overall, you have very good potential in your novel. It just needs some tightening up of the story.

Here are some possible grammar issues for you to look at:

Long Pitch: "Her dream is shatter and Din" == Should be "dream was shattered and Din"
Chapter 1:
"from which I hale." == Should be "hail", not "hale".
"it makes me sound – trashy don’t you think" == Maybe a comma after "trashy" to emphasize
"Many of those who had the power of one of the elements were so scared of their new found abilities – and I suppose it didn’t help that those who were normal, and I use the term lightly, feared and persecuted them without any sighs of mercy. " == Sentence too long and hard to follow, please look at breaking it up.
"We had to imply our magic and elements to work things" == Use "apply" rather than "imply".
"honestly it’s in their and probably your nature" == Need a comma after "their".
"Many you enjoy it and may its contents" == Should be "Many of you".
Chapter 2:
Looked ok, grammar wise.
Chapter 3:
"With her sisters joining in, the stood in front of Din" == Should be "they" instead of "the".
"Looking at her reflection on last time," == Should be "for" instead of "on".
"Reaching only the base of his neck with her heels, she had to look up a little." == Do you mean "hand" instead of "heels"? Or do you mean tip-toes? Not sure what you are describing.
"Huh?” she asked her hand flying to her neck" == "she" should be "She".
"What’s it called? A coodle?" == Not sure what a "coodle" is. Do you mean "poodle"?
"look in them as the peered through her rectangular glasses" == Should be "as she peered", not "as the peered".
Chapter 4:
"Myotis had made the comment that where you sat in the theater reflect how you where if life – the higher up, the better off." == Should be "where in life", not "where if life".
"With that and quick tug" == Should be "and a quick" rather than "and quick".
"He said as stood up." == Should be "as he stood" instead of "as stood".
"Then of the monster more poured out from back stage over the first few rows of patrons." == Should be "Then more of the monster poured out".
"Myotis took the lead staring towards the door" == Should be "lead starting towards".
"Jarring the door, Ivy eyes narrowed as looked out it" == Should be "Ivy's eyes narrowed as she looked".
"most of the hall was giant monster" == Should be "was a giant monster".
"she yelled as spun around" == Should be "as she spun".
"The monster’s roars the shook the building" == Should be "roars shook the building".
"How where they going to get out of there?" == Should be "How were they".
"Though an option I don’t think it will be as easy as that" == Should be comma after "option".
"The sight of monster and him was cut off," == Should be "sight of the monster".
"pulling on her arm, so words being yelled, but all she saw" == Should be "words were being yelled".
"Where would the end up?" == Should be "would they end up".
Chapter 5:
"I will no shut up Ivy,” == Should be "will not shut up".
"Off in the distance there was voice" == Should be "there were voices".
"Two more voice followed, two men’s voices" == Should be "Two more voices followed".
"Who would the first to fall?" == Should be "would be the first".
"Would she have actually have to use it?" == Should be "Would she actually have to use it".
"The guy began to run, ducking under ever swipe it would throw at him" == Should be "under every swipe".
"The red lines began to wrap around the it, tightly holding it in place." == Should be "wrap around it, tightly"
Chapter 6:
"How do you such things?" == Should be "How do you do such things".
"Around the tree’s mighty trunk, a crimson ring hand been painted" == Should be "crimson ring had been".


I still highly rated your book and put back on my shelf. I hope you can still check out my friend's book called Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77, and do the same.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy many books on this site.

Primal Attribute. I find your pitches a little confusing. But I enjoyed the intimacy of your first chapter. Unusual, and appealing. You have a great imagination.

Ch.2. An action-packed start, and the story is beginning to unravel with a good hook at the end of the chapter.
Be careful not to swap viewpoints unintentionally.
Love him hearing the smile in her voice.

Ch.3. Do you want nits?
Maybe this is better:
'You look absolutely ...' continued another
'... stunning,' finished the last.

Some unnecessary words are best left out: immediately, almost, quickly, just, actually, seemingly, already.
And ensure you dont repeat yourself. 'She stood looking into her mirror' is enough without 'giving her reflection the final inspection.'
Neither do you need 'looking back at her.'
The word 'time' is repeated rather too often.

Then the inconsequential dialogue goes on a bit. But you leave another tantalising hook at the end of the chapter.

This promises to be a fast-moving imaginative story.

Thankyou for supporting my book, and I apologise for note repaying you sooner.
Best of luck with this.
Jane (Breath ofAfrica)

Just finished reading this; I think you have a great start to an action-packed story here. I like the direct address to the reader in the prologue, and the relaxed, chatty narrative style enabled you to convey important information effectively. Your story is well-paced and the dialogue is good; however, there were a few occasions where I was confused as to whether you were intending the characters to speak in a formal manner or not. You use informal everyday expressions sometimes, but at other times the characters seem to speak quite formally. That being said, the narrative is gripping and intriguing, and I love the interactions between characters; I could really feel Dim's frustration when Mina interrupted her 'special moment' twice in Chronicle 1! The action scenes are visual and fast-paced, great to read, and other than a few minor spelling and grammar errors there's nothing wrong with the writing. I especially like your descriptions of how the different characters use magic, particularly the materialising weapons - a really cool idea! This has great potential and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Highly starred!
Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Hi Dakota,
I read from Chronicle 2, I found the story very compulsive, and I love dthe dialogue between the charaters, I like new ideas and I love the re-appearing weapons, and the healing spells. Thsi is a great story and I wish you all the best with it.
One quirk; in the UK a theatre is a theatre not a theater is that just a Dakotaism?
If it is, might be worth an edit before release to UK market, but apart from that it is a good piece of work.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes

Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At the Rock

Good Luck in your studies

Hey Dakota,

I've just finished reading your chapters.I love the dialogue, so snappy.Also enjoying the sardonic sense of humour that seems to underlie a lot of the action. Looking forward to seeing how the story develops. Shall put on my watchlist.

Suzanne

Just finished chapter 1 (the prologue) and am quite intrigued. You were correct--this does seem like my type of novel. I like how you managed to pace this, revealing information but also keeping the tension high. I also liked how you had Death as a woman, a sorceress of sorts. And Siegfried storing all of his powers into large statues? That's unusual. But unique. The end hook was also well done.

Will be backing this. When I have more time, I will be coming back to read more.

- H

Dakota,

6 stars and you're on my watchlist!!! :) I'm really looking forward to reading on in Din's world!

Have a wonderful day! It's great to see you having another book uploaded to the site for us to enjoy!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man