The Invisible String

I read some of this a couple of days back after agreeing to swap reads and it's an awkward one for me to comment on. By way of elaboration on that statement my difficulty stems from the fact that I really don't like these kind of stories as child abuse is something that I, as most right thinking people do, find abhorrent. As such I will never enjoy reading something like this, and since I read for pleasure this just doesn't tick those boxes for me.
Having said that there is a market for this type of story and despite my personal preferences I can't deny that you have produced a well written and powerful piece of work.
I will therefore star this on the basis that I can see the quality in your writing, can appreciate that there is a market for this, and can see that a lot of hard work has gone into the writing of it, but also that content wise it just "isn't my cup of tea".
Best wishes,

James

PS Give me a shout if you post up your horror story, that may prove to be more my kind of thing. I had hoped you'd have it up before I got to our swap!

Bec, this is a very well-written and moving story. You manage to achieve your aim, in the first chapter at least - to make the reader care about the fate of Charlotte and Adam, and wish those bloody nuns would go to hell!
My strengths as a reader lie in the editing area, and I hope you won't mind if I mention a few things you may want to look at. In the first paragraph, you say 'Margaret Danes' promising threats'. The word promising usually has a positive connotation, so I think the sentence would be stronger (and clearer) if you cut it. Unless you meant to say 'promise of threats'.
A bit further on, you say 'Mother Superior seeked her out from all the other children'. You need to replace 'seeked' with 'sought'.
There are also a few typos in the first chapter. 'but over time hat decreased to 52' - I think you mean 'had decreased'. 'The two had separated into the own rooms' - I think you mean 'their own rooms'. 'No apologizies are going to save you' - should be spelled 'apologies'.
Overall, this is important subject matter that demands to be read, and I wish you well with it. I will read more when time permits. For now, a place on my watchlist and high stars.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Read through chapter 2. I was surprised when Adam and Charlotte met up again at the school, pleasantly surprised. I like the story so far...the nun's cruelness, the abuse, both voilent and sexual. There was a paragraph in chapter one where you repeat, "the orphanage" over and over again. Did you do that for alliteration purpose? If not, then you should go through and edit, changing over to the pronoun, "it" Just a thought. It would sound smoother if you did that.
Very good story! Had me riveted. I hope yoiu listed spiritual abuse as one of your markers.

Very well done! Highly starred and watchlisted for now..
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Hi Bec; I've just finished your first chapter and felt compelled to write a comment or two. I was astonished by how quickly you enveloped the reader in Charlotte's cruel world. The ease of which you made every Adult appear sinister, to some degree or another, showed you to be a more than competent writer. The main Characters of Charlotte and Adam are both good and easy to relate with, even if the scenario they find themselves part of, isn't. I particularly like the simple touch of Adam addressing Charlotte as Kiddo (it's the little touches that makes a book special.) I shall look forward to reading more and shall put this on my WL. Well done.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars

A CHIRG review

Poor Charlotte! The reader almost instantly empathises with her.

Your characterization is good and your description works well.

Just when we think things can't get any worse poor Charlotte is sent off with Ruthie and Tom.

I like the book title and the reference to 'the invisible string' when Charlotte bumps into Adam on her first day at school.

Your write with a good pace and your dialogue works well.

I wish you lots of luck with your book and shall be starring it.

Take care
Debbie

Charlotte life equivalent to the Asian Tsunami. And the saddest thing her own mother contribute to her life of hell

Hi Bec,

Your story echoes several true life stories that I have read here on Authonomy. Each time I read of abuse dished out by the hand of so called “Sister’s of Mercy,” I am sickened in my heart. I am shocked at the prevalence of such horrible treatment.

Although I’ve never experienced that kind of abuse, I got the sense that you captured the essence of what could happen to a soul who has lived through that kind of horror. There is an outward meekness, but inside there’s a bold resolve to shut out the pain and sadly, even shut out God.

You do a wonderful job conjuring up compassion for Charlotte within your reader. In fact at times I was outraged and wanted to take revenge on the Mother Superior. And Adam is an effective source of strength despite the fact that he has experience abuse as well.

I was happy to see reference to the “invisible string” right away in the first chapter. I love how you applied that to always keep Charlotte and Adam close.

You depicted your scenes and characters well enough for me to envision Charlotte’s environment. Some readers like every detail spelled out for them. Not me, I like to use my imagination. I think you had just the right mix.

I agree with what you said in your profile. Your strong point is dialogue. It comes across very natural. I am not an expert in grammar by any means, so I won’t comment. It’s enough to know you recognize the need for some expert insight, which you will find on this sight. I would suggest you swap reads with HGridley, AudreyB and Wordworker. Between the three of them, they’ll help you out just fine.

The introduction of Tom and Ruthie at the end of chapter one worked really good as a page-turner. I’m afraid poor Charlotte is going from the frying pan right into the fire… I know I’ve only read the tip of the ice berg, so I will cling to hope and trust in your pitch that this has a happy ending. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I hope you don’t mind me pointing out a couple easy fixes I found.


“…and they were certainly not mixed in the dormitories were (where) they slept.”

“…the woman bellowed laying a fist into the child’s (child) as she pulled her to her feed.”

“She hurriedly went to the supply closet, and Mother Superior wondered (wandered) up the hall…”

“Adam had heard (the) Margaret’s order…”

I can't wait to read this. The pitch echo my story