Lola's House

I really enjoyed reading the first chapter of this story. You MC is entertaining and relatable, and the flow and voice of your novel moves very well. High stars!

para starting with "on the drive back to the shop" you said "life has been a bit shit lately" did you mean shitty? A "bit shit" sounds weird to me, but maybe that's just me.

Sue

I knew from the first paragraph that this was going to be a book I'd enjoy...and I was right!
Well done!
I admire your voice and style of writing.
Good luck!
Cheryl :)

I'm writing in the first person myself so looking at other writing in the first person, and I like this. I like the stream of consciousness into the protagonist's thoughts. BACKED
Karen Stevens
The Anna Atlantis Detective Agency

Sue...you set the stage perfectly, allowing us to see Lola's circumstances in the opening lines. The conversations flow well and I can visualize everyone. I look forward to seeing what unfolds with James...and trust evvvverything will work out. (Smiles)
Leaving with high stars and a warm smile...
Linda

Sue , I found myself lost in your opening chapter and totally drawn in to Lola's world. I felt sorry for her business but pleased she is keeping her gran's house. I'm not sure what to make of James yet but I can already tell this sounds like lots of fun. Great opening and will keep on my wl for further reading.
Michelle - 43 Primrose Avenue

This is light and breezy and cute. Not sure about the present tense; but admire you for doing it successfully!
Andrea
he De Amerley Affair

You have a fun relaxed style which is easy to read and flows. Although lit-chic isn’t my thing (being a man so it fits) but comedy yes (how I found it) and for that you have a good score.
If I was to offer any advice it’s that there is a lot going on in the opening - being first person offers a blessing but comes with a curse - a curse that any thought your character has can go on paper but although funny is drowning out what I need to find out to be hooked. A story opening needs to not only introduce the character and set the world but also get across the stakes and some form of ticking clock that suddenly puts a world at odds. She has a house which is costing a fortune - then sell it. What is it that locks her in and has her investing her very soul into the outcome - and of course, means she can’t go back only forward. As an example, she can’t sell because the market has crashed and she’s already mortgaged everything. I don’t know genre but I’ve spend enough of my life writing stories to know that the basic components are really all the same. In my teens I got a really good piece of writing advice which was that “you need to know the rules before you can break them”. Same with you - you have passion, talent, flair and wit galore - give your talent what it deserves and learn the craft of story structure. Best of luck. Any questions by all means let me know.

Your ear is nearly perfect. You remind me of Tana French if she wrote comedic adventure or chick lit. I am always advised on this site not to write in present tense, but a skilled writer makes it sing, and you do. I really like being in the mind of this character, and I want to know what's going to happen next, sort of like real life, where you're waiting for the other "shoe" to fall. I like crime novels, horror, travel memoir, and literary fiction, but I found myself really immersed in this. Six stars. Good writing is good writing.

Lisa (Memphis Girl -- Joli Blon Gone)

I liked this. I'm not a great fan of chick lit, but this was easy and enjoyable reading. I didn't notice any terrible typos or horrid grammatical glitches. Best of luck with it; this is a popular genre.

Hello,

My RCG review :)

Pitch.
I liked the pitch. It gave a good outline to what has happened in the story, and what's going to happen. I think it really encourages people to read on.

Plot.
The plot is one that alot of people could relate too, or some element of it. Generally the plot has enough ups and downs in it to make it entertaining, and also has a lighthearted feel about it.

Dialogue.
The dialogue, has a nice natural flows to it, and is very easy to read.

Voice/Style.
Really same as the dialogue, easy to follow, easy to follow. Fits the story well. It has a nice lightheart tone.

Characterization.
I'm only at chapter 3, but I think the main characters are well rounded, and you really get a feel of what kind of person Lola is. It'll be interesting to see how the people around her develope more as the story goes on.

Overall, I think it's a nice story... something like an easy beach read. Something to relax with.

This is great Sue, just the sort of thing I like to read. Really good chick lit feel good stuff.

I don't know why, but I read this with a permanent smirk on my face - chick-lit, when done right, has that effect on me. Yes, some of your sentences/paras could do with breaking up a bit (chap 1, para 2, might read better as "I really need to put that someone else, I think.(PARA BREAK) For the third time this week, Chrissie bounces into the shop.") but part of the charm of this book is the motormouth monologue that drives it along so entertainingly, so I wouldn't change too much! Five stars for the giggles, really enjoyed it.

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

Just going into your book, Sue, but before I do, could I suggest a tiny tweak of your (otherwise excellent) pitch. There seems to be one too many "ands" in the first para of your long pitch. Might be better to cut one (after "eyes") so that it reads "...a brother with pound signs in his eyes, an estate agent on speed-dial and a mother..."

JK

Lola’s House – 5-8

These are just my thoughts as I read through your other chapters...Please use, enjoy, or disregard as you wish, mine is just another opinion as you know...

Chapter 5 – The beginning of this is too long – you are using too many sentances to say the same thing. For instance – “I get myself settled on the sofa, chick flick on the dvd player and chilled bottle of wine to my left. I press play on the remote and pick up my first slice of pizza ready to sink my teeth into its hot cheesy goodness when I hear a thunderous noise coming from the driveway.”

You are over simplifying the sentances...a suggestion for improvement would be below, and it has less words but the same impact.

I settle myself on the sofa, wine already chilling, press play on the dvd remote and as the chick flick begins I reach for my first slice of pizza, slavering to taste its hot cheesy goodness when a thunderous roar outside disturbs me.

The introduction to her mystery man Robert is too long, and you don’t tell us that he removes his helmet, so as ur saying u look up and see his eyes, i’m wondering how? Is his visor up?

The entrance to the coffee pot is also a bit long and could be tightened up. You tell us twice in a short space of time that Chrissie has a magazine, by rewording and re ordering the sentances, you could cut one out and you get to the point quicker

One of the good things about this chapter is the dialogue, its fresh, real and moves your story along really well.

Chapter 6 – Again the narrative at the start of the chapter is a bit too long, its like ur setting the scene, when you could be diving straight into the action and weaving the rest in throughout the chapter.

For example – you tell us that she desperately wants him to see what hes missing, and take a while to tell us this, but if you wait until he picks her up, then compliments her, you could add in... something along the lines of, my plan to show him what he’s missing is obviously working.

Your narrative paras are again a little long and could be broken up for better effect, but since you do this a lot, ur either undecided on this or its ur style.

The actual date comes across very well but again watch the para lengths or people will skim read them.

Chapter 7 – the guy who doesn’t understand the word vintage is funny, typical guy - shows the lighter side of the book well. As does the introduction of Harley ... so many surprises for her with the addition of her lodger that she wasn’t prepared for.

In this chapter you integrate Roberts back story well, and it works!

Chapter 8 – Again in this chapter as Lola is moving about the kitchen, you use too many sentences to make the point and we get an I overload, which is unnecessary. Your writing is much better than that and you should take a look at the narrative bits and strip some of them out.

James’s reaction to her lodger, I presume, Is how he used to be, against how he is now, but she forgives him a little quick.

Then you have chrissie dropping in again, might it be too soon... I mean, she dropped in after their first date and now the second... or is this their thing?

I appreciate it looks like a lot is not working but really all these suggestions are things to consider polishing your work to make it stand out. You have a good voice in the chapters, the characters are getting better and with the addition of Robert, the hunk, there is plenty there for Lola to get distracted by and James to worry about lol

It still remains a good book that I would read more of once you load it. Keep at it x

Hello, Sue Rogers – Lola’s House
You have a knack of portraying characters very quickly and making them separate entities also. I could see this writing appealing to those who are fitting in some reading around their commitments, a book they can dip in and out of. That said, I felt bogged down by too much detail at times. That is why it is good to get another person to read your work and make cuts - not easy for people close to you, I know! I have found that often books on Authonomy have little dialogue which I find hard-going at times. You have plenty of dialogue which is great but there is one other tenet I would like to pass on. People in books and plays do not speak as we do in real life. In life we have a lot more filler text but that does not translate to well into hard copy. Dialogue really must be crisp and trimmed back. (This actually occurs in the case of plays through dramaturging.) Fresh eyes/ears also point out parts that do not make sense and the like. What I do is make a copy of what I have written then slash one copy until I think the work can take no more filleting (!). Is handy if you can get people to read/act out scenes as that helps too to 'hear' what needs changing. It is much harder when we are writing one para after another. It is hard for new writers to keep a sense of the whole work in their heads; we tend to focus on the page immediately in front of us. Anyway, look forward to seeing future drafts.
Jane Mauret (formerly Shannahan)

Great job setting up your main character and making her sympathetic. I like the opening scene -- I never felt overwhelmed with too much exposition. The dialog rings true, and the characters have distinct voices. I think this is coming along nicely! I caught a couple tiny errata if you want to fix'em:
I'm not going (insert: to) get out of this
unexpected jobs that (cut: keep)(insert: kept) cropping up.
Other than that, no problems jumped out at me. Good luck with this!
And if you have any interest in children's literature you are invited to check out the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Lola’s House

These are just my thoughts as I read through your work...Please use, enjoy, or disregard as you wish, mine is just another opinion in a sea of plenty...

Cover & Title – Tile and cover are original. Cover does stand put out not yet sure it suits the story

Short Pitch + Long Pitch - Both are good and give us a good flavour of what’s to come

Okay notes as I read

Chapter 1 - Make sure if you are using ellipsis marks (three dots) the two sections of your sentence should start and finish at each end, there should be no gaps. i.e. kiss her and expect...what, exactly? instead of kiss her and expect... what, exactly?

Also make sure the punctuation before or after dialogue is correct. The general rule is if an action proceeds or follows then you use full stops (periods) If it’s a speech tag then you use a comma.

An example would be - She pushes the muffin back into my hand. You have a comma after this followed by speech but pushes the muffin is an action, rather than a speech tag, so it should be a full stop. For it to be a speech tag you would need to say - She pushes the muffin back into my hand and said. Also make sure that all speech starts with a capital letter.

It’s a very good chapter, easy to read, flows well and good introduction to Lola and her problems.

Chapter 2 – You mention a colossal white van in the first line, which she parks behind but then never mention it again. Did it magic itself out? Or was it there when she left? Later in the chapter – it’s an unanswered detail that may or may not be important.

More cases of incorrect punctuation, before and following dialogue, see principles above. Also towards the end where you are back filling Lola’s story with James, the paragraphs are too big, too much in them. Yes the back story is necessary but break it up. Large paragraphs like that only serve for people to skip over and quickly skim. This leads to them missing possible vital details which you are relying on them reading. Where you can make them 2 paragraphs rather than 1 or trim the unnecessary facts. Several large paragraphs are also more like an info dump, where we want the story woven in, realistically in small amounts. Doing it like this will cause readers to stop and possibly not continue reading more of your story.

Chapter 3 - You have some more really big paragraphs in this bit, that can easily be shortened. Take for instance the first one, I would suggest new para’s at the end of “former glory”, then another one at the end of “I might have enough money to do it all.”

Also to break up the feeling that these paras are more than an info dump I would suggest having her reminisce as shes walking through the rooms, make us see her there. Like the staircase, maybe she remembers playing on it or sliding down the banister, or even the wallpaper, instead of telling us that she researching it because she likes it, show her running her hands across it remembering her grand dad ... we need to engage in this part of the book, if not this will put your reader off and 3 large paras like that will stop them dead. Remember readers are fickle, they want to read and are prepared to fill in some gaps as they go along, make their own assumptions, but they don’t want to work too hard, especially not with chick lit.

In the second large paragraph, you miss a trick – You say maybe I should let these two rooms but what would have more effect is to show her walking through the room, thinking, reminiscing and then stopping suddenly as the idea leaps into her head.

These big paras really are trying to narrate the story but there is just far too much telling, which becomes three info dumps instead of showing us what’s going on.

This particular chapter has so much going for it, but with a little work it could be so much better and we would really get into Lola’s head and thinking.

Chapter 4 – it jars a bit that her knees buckle before we know what the card says. Better to have the sentence I read it, after I miss you J.

Again you have some pretty big paragraphs, but these could really use a few commas and slimmed down a touch. With single quote marks it’s difficult to read such a large block and pick out the speech. You need to clearly define each bit, and the getting into the car is played out too slowly.

At the end the homecoming needs a little work, it’s too flat. We should be able to feel her despair at yet another big hole but we don’t.

What you do well is the relationship between mother and frustrated daughter. That def comes over well, with the nitpicking and the constant put downs, and her angelic brother, now this you show u well. Look at the difference between this and the previous chapters with the house, yes you have dialogue with another person, but you show us what’s going on. You can do that through actions, internal thoughts and talking aloud since you are writing in 1st person

I realise that this may read as quite a negative comment but really these are just suggestions for improving your product. The character of Lola is interesting, as is her financial and emotional struggle with the house, her relationship with her ex and her friends. The plot is good, there are enough foreseeable twists and turns and the main character by the end of chapter 4 is well defined. The rest is polish to make this a highly delightful read.
The writing itself is very good, until you bog yourself down with tells and v large paragraphs, so don’t for one minute think this isn’t a good read, because it is a very good read.

Hopefully you can see something in these suggestions that will help you polish this work, for now I have given you a good dose of stars and I will come back and read 5+6 at a later date and any others that you upload, because I really did enjoy reading.
Cx

Okay, so I read partway through chap3 and had to stop. I like the story itself so far, but the massive blocks of text gave me a serious headache. I don't know if the formatting died or if your paras really are that long. If they are that long, then you have to break them up into much smaller bites or people stop reading.

On another technical note, you need to embrace the use of commas. A good rule is if you're reading aloud and take a breath, you should use a comma. Also, you used single quotes for dialogue (') instead of doubles (").

Like I said, the story is promising, but I didn't get far enough to offer real criticism.

Good luck!

Hi NM,

Thanks very much for your comments. I have reviewed what you have said and agree that the paragraphs in some places are long.

As for the quote marks I believe that double quotes are preferred in USA however single quotes are more usual and commonly used in the UK.

Sue

Okay, so I read partway through chap3 and had to stop. I like the story itself so far, but the massive blocks of text gave me a serious headache. I don't know if the formatting died or if your paras really are that long. If they are that long, then you have to break them up into much smaller bites or people stop reading.

On another technical note, you need to embrace the use of commas. A good rule is if you're reading aloud and take a breath, you should use a comma. Also, you used single quotes for dialogue (') instead of doubles (").

Like I said, the story is promising, but I didn't get far enough to offer real criticism.

Good luck!

~Lola’s House by Sue Rogers~

This is so incredibly well-written and addictive! Sue is definitely the next big thing in Chick Lit – I’m already a fan! Plus, it’s definitely a very relevant, topical story for today.

Backed, highly rated and recommended! I can’t wait to read the rest and look forward to seeing this on the ED!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Chapter 1:

NOTE: Be careful with tenses (I said/say – make sure it’s all in present tense) and grammar/punctuation.

● She pushes the muffin back into my hand[.] [D]on’t be silly[,] Loda

● 'I groan[.] ‘I’m not going to get out of this, am I?’

● 'Excellent, I knew you’d be up for it[.] You’ll need to give me your deposit...’

● ‘Deposit?’ I spray crumbs across the counter[.]

● ‘I don’t live in a flipping mansion[.] It’s a Victorian house...’

● Yay[,]’ Chrissie shouts...

● ‘Well that’s a relief [,] Ned[.] [A]t least I can start...’

● ‘I can do most of it myself. See Kevin over there...’

● ‘No[,] missus, I made a cup of tea...’

● On the drive back to the shop[,] I stop at a red traffic light...

A nice easy, fun read. Found a few typos here and there but nothing that can't be fixed easily.
Will be back to read more when time permits.
Stared and remains on my WL for now.
Best of luck;
Elke
'Ella In Between'

I thought reading in first person would grate on me, but didn't once I got used to your style and rhythm. Interesting and realistic premise. Keep up the good work, I will read more as you upload. Have you joined the chic lit forum? You will gain more input and readers. Please give my work a boo too. Cheers.
Sam Rivers - The Balance of Your Life

good use of the first person for this book. lt works very well indeed.
BACKED.
READ ''SEASONS''.

nice read. identifiable main character. strong pitch....
j
what every woman should know

I completely disagree with PAM 30. Lola is a harming woman and a likeable person, someone we all could relate to. Why turn her into the bitch of the universe. The prose flows well and the dialogue is not stiff or boring as some of the books on this blog. I am going to come back when I have more time and read the rest. For now, I am giving it four stars. Keep your character real and and likeable.

Sue,
I liked reading this. Just feel sad for Lola that she comes across as someone who can easily be taken advantage of. Maybe weak? Could you showcase some of he strengths... apart from her easy going nature. At the beginning you say lots of things were said which shouldnt have but in the dream ... just two or three lines... are revealed which arent nasty... theyre mean but maybe you could up the tension by more snide remarks.... Ned and team seem to be taking Lola for a ride..... anyways nice read.... will give it five stars and back it in a months time.