Due Process

There’s real skill on show throughout. In the opening, the child’s eye view, as six year old Jenny skips and counts steps and witnesses the abduction of her father, is excellent. It appears to be some kind of game where Jenny dutifully picks up the books, but then it hits her what’s happened. So I was drawn on into Chapter 2, and events leading up to the visit to the park, when lawyer Tony mysteriously says “there is one case”. In 3, the annoying detective is realistic, discounting the evidence of a six year old, but it’s a well-executed diversion to the shock announcement that her house is on fire. I hoped for Amanda to turn to the doubting detective and say, “Now do you believe me?”

Chapter 4 is very nicely done as Amanda’s thoughts turn to Tony. I like the clever twist in 5 that she joins Morgan and Pacey, and there’s always that nagging doubt about Sarah. Why did she leave suddenly? Is detective constable Blake the same frustrating detective that Amanda already ran into in Walsham police station? His name could be established back in chapter 3.

In 5, I got a strange sense that it was too easy for Amanda to be breaking into Sarah’s email, and I expected some sinister hand to pull the plug on the monitor, some internal resistance at Morgan and Pacey.

It’s very good. I especially liked chapter 5 with ‘Cayman’, “We need to talk” and “just in case”. “The kid is next” is brilliant timing. I was just beginning to think that myself. I love Blake. A detective who drops his cup of tea when confronted with facts is always going to be entertaining. The twist in 7 (Miranda Bell) is very good. I didn’t see that coming, although the skill in which she outmaneuvered the speed boat was quite impressive, and mention of the notorious Cayman islands should have set me thinking. Excellent stuff. Good luck. I’m sure it will do well.

Your SP is great. Tells us it’s a thriller up front and it lives up to its promise. The mystery is there from the very start and I was completely hooked. You’ve got so much going to on so quickly in the opening chapters, I really had to concentrate and that pulled me even deeper in. I can see this having many layers. A very cinematic opening. My heart was racing reading it. I like the fire, a great touch. Dramatic but also leaves you a lot to play with later, destroyed evidence etc – very clever. I have so many questions; if I had this book in my hands I wouldn’t be able to put it down. I personally didn't mind the back story but I do admit to skimming it a little because I really wanted to get back to the present mystery.

Delighted to have this on my shelf.

Janny

Due Process.
By Jane Finch.

As a crime thriller, your book has everything going for it, mystery, intrigue and the unexpected twist.
It certainly keeps the reader wanting to read on. I found the seven chapters to be compelling to say the least.
It’s enough when Tony goes missing, but then the fire—things are beginning to hot up, so to speak.
You open up the reader’s thoughts when you bring into it the secretary, Sarah Greenwood who disappears from the scene as all this is going on. It looks pretty obvious that there may be a connection—we are wrong!
Later on we have the threatening letter and the boat chase followed by a missing Jenny. The Co. secretary.
I would have liked to have read more of this, I think Mildred Watt’s, Will, has a lot to do with Tony’s disappearance, but I could be a mile away from the answer…I would like to know the outcome of this mystery.
Very well written, Jane, full marks for this!! On my shelf very soon!

…but froze as Megan said, ”Except the Justin file will be missing. Poor guy drowned in his bath last night…” - Except needs to be lower case, it follows a speech tag and is not a name.
…We are the executors under the will of your Great Aunt Mildred Watts… - Great-Aunt, followed by a comma.
…”So that means…” began one of the officers “that if the secretary’s story holds up…” - Comma required after (officers).

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

What started out as an normal but excited day for Jenny ended in chaos. I heard her scream. The author allowed me to witness the horrible experience of two men kidnapping her dad. Sad but explosive

Chapter one is a chapter and a half. Its a fab start. A great hook.

High stars but still reading

Small criticism...it wasn't clear why Jen was concentrating so hard. I suspect its because of the many kids around and she was't sure who to play with

Hello, Jane

I read some of your novel. I think you have the makings of a good thriller here. The story has a lot of promise and you start out well, although, to be honest, I couldn't quite get into chapter one - I don't think you quite manage the little girl's perspective but I think it would only take a few minor adjustments to change that. Rather than give us a monologue why not go full throttle and write it from Jenny's POV? Just a thought.

However, I persisted, and enjoyed what I read. I do think there are a few things that seem to fall too easily into place for Amanda:

- Her acceptance by her husband's law company - with no references or knowledge of a legal secretaries job-description...
- The working out of the password for her husband's secretary's computer ...
- The realisation of the name on the client's list, which she'd only glimpsed previously.

These all seemed a bit contrived and made Amanda's life way too easy - more digging and delving, hair-tearing and investigating would, imho, bring more readability into your story.

You don't say if this a WiP ... so I'll assume it is and hope that my thoughts have been helpful.

All the best with it.
Neil

I love the description of her braids tapping her shoulder and looking like candy canes. Very creative. Beautifully written. The child's innocence then the abduction. What a great opening hook!

Jane, I've read the first four chapters today, and although I don't normally read crime fiction, you've managed to draw me in and make me care about the characters and the story. I think this may be to do with the brevity of your style and the clarity of the plot, which had me feeling quite excited with each new development. So well done for that - you have succeeded where others have failed!
I did spot a possible missing word in chapter 4: 'The police seemed to think it was relating Tony's work in some way.' I think you mean '..relating to Tony's work'. There is also a typo in the long pitch. 'Ot maybe..' should be 'Or maybe..'
I will read on when time permits. Meanwhile, high stars and a continuing place on my watchlist.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Due Process

Pitch – “spiral out of control” is a cliché that’s in more than half the pitches on this site. I advise against using it.

The opening scene is dramatic, but I’m not sure about using the POV of the daughter, it feels odd with the rest of the book from Amanda’s perspective. I wonder if this is the best way to start your story. The next scene is okay, we get a real feel for them as a family. But Chapter 3 is where the story really starts, so I wonder about starting the book here, then maybe a flashback to the morning scene. The park scene is essentially repeated, once from Jenny’s POV and again when Amanda tells the cop. You could find a way to weave them into one, like by having Amanda hear Jenny tell the cop her story. When we hear about the fire this really gets rolling along, and it’s enthralling. Better to get us to this point sooner, so we are hooked.

Your writing is eloquent and clean and easy to follow. Some wonderful phrases, i.e.: “Black tendrils of smoke hovered above the onlookers, a giant octopus stalking its prey.” Good rhythm between the short and long sentences. Nice ch 3 ending cliffhanger with her holding the book, makes us want to read on. Clever idea for her to get a job at his office, you have opened the field of suspects and given her a mission.

I read through chapter 4 and the website started to act up so I gave up in despair. This is good writing and a compelling story. I’d like to finish it some day!

High stars and on my WL, will back it soon. ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Your pitch is so true
I'll dive in when my computer stop showing me blank pages

{Due Process} – Jane Finch

I have just finished reading the first four chapters of this gripping crime story. You captured my attention right away in chapter one, with your beautiful prose and the way you create the calm scene in the playground. Only to be punctured by a powerful ending… hooked me!

I like how you shift to different points in time and perspectives. It is great beginning from Jenny’s eyes, because her childhood innocence and vulnerability makes the impact of her father’s abduction all the stronger. We are also on edge throughout the entire second chapter, because you transit from Jenny screaming, to earlier that morning, and the lovely family scene snuggling in bed. I like how you also sow the seeds of further mystery… ‘A few interesting cases’… ‘there is one case.’

I absolutely loved the descriptions of the fire at the end of chapter 3. ‘acrid smoke’, ‘a giant octopus stalking its prey’… Very vivid and puts the reader right into the scene.

Chapter 4 and you build the intrigue. I especially enjoyed reading the part about Amanda’s dream, and how it links back with Jenny screaming in the opening chapter.

This is great stuff and I’m sure will do exceptionally well not only among crime/thriller lovers, but all readers. Your writing is very polished and there’s not much to fault. Great job, six stars and watchlisted for further reading. Thanks a lot for your comment on ‘Dawn of Destruction’ and the support. All the best!

Cara

Hi Jane,

First, my apologies for the delay in getting to your story. I now have three of mine on the site and my reading has suffered as a result.

I like this very much - so much so that in places I was thinking 'John Grisham writes his first novel set in England.' The way you build the drama from abduction to house fire to secretary disappearing to client death is the way top crime writers do it. Your chapter endings and section break hooks are excellent.

I've been an avid reader of Crime novels for years, and have read a lot about what agents and editors are looking for in submissions. So I feel qualified to offer advice.

The opening is so important. With yours I feel there is a bit too much description of the park. (A well known crime author says avoid lengthy descriptions of people and places). In Crime/Thrillers the action has to be fast and the rule is: only give the reader what he/she has to know. In chapter 2 we go into backstory. A common 'fault' just when the story needs forward momentum. I would scrap ch 2. I don't think you need it. The one important clue to Tony's abduction could be done another way: by having Amanda remember it as she is talking to the detective. From chapter 3 onwards the story reads very well. Just a couple of minor niggles. You twice call Megan 'a young girl'. That to me conjures an image of an 8 year old. And after mentioning chasing rainbows you don't then have to explain what it means.

I hope these ideas are of some help. You have the makings of a great story and I look forward to reading more in the future. High stars!

Camac Johnson
Hemingway Quest

Great ending to chapter one, wonderful hook. You do a good job of building reader curiosity. This looks promising!
I found a couple of errata you might want to fix (or not!)
you wrote the city excelled itself, but I think you meant exceeded.
you wrote slid delightfully, but I think you meant delightedly.
That's all my notes. Best of luck with this!
Tod
And if you have any interest in kids' literature, please take a look at my novel at
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

Hi Jane, this is a brilliant start. You chart the disintegration of Amanda's life so well. I can feel her fear, her frustration at the initial disinterest of the detectives and also her suspicions as she starts to slowly piece together things that didn't add up. The pace is perfect and at the end of each chapter I couldn't wait for the next one to load. The only tiny niggle I had was that Tony had been abducted in a busy park but no-one saw anything except Jenny. Apart from that it's a very well-crafter thriller and I hope you'll upload more soon.

A whole constallation of stars for you and I'll back it as soon as I have space.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

There’s real skill on show throughout. In the opening, the child’s eye view, as six year old Jenny skips and counts steps and witnesses the abduction of her father, is excellent. It appears to be some kind of game where Jenny dutifully picks up the books, but then it hits her what’s happened. So I was drawn on into Chapter 2, and events leading up to the visit to the park, when lawyer Tony mysteriously says “there is one case”. In 3, the annoying detective is realistic, discounting the evidence of a six year old, but it’s a well-executed diversion to the shock announcement that her house is on fire. I hoped for Amanda to turn to the doubting detective and say, “Now do you believe me?”

Chapter 4 is very nicely done as Amanda’s thoughts turn to Tony. I like the clever twist in 5 that she joins Morgan and Pacey, and there’s always that nagging doubt about Sarah. Why did she leave suddenly? Is detective constable Blake the same frustrating detective that Amanda already ran into in Walsham police station? His name could be established back in chapter 3.

In 5, I got a strange sense that it was too easy for Amanda to be breaking into Sarah’s email, and I expected some sinister hand to pull the plug on the monitor, some internal resistance at Morgan and Pacey.

It’s very good. I especially liked chapter 5 with ‘Cayman’, “We need to talk” and “just in case”. “The kid is next” is brilliant timing. I was just beginning to think that myself. I love Blake. A detective who drops his cup of tea when confronted with facts is always going to be entertaining. The twist in 7 (Miranda Bell) is very good. I didn’t see that coming, although the skill in which she outmaneuvered the speed boat was quite impressive, and mention of the notorious Cayman islands should have set me thinking. Excellent stuff. Good luck. I’m sure it will do well.

Your SP is great. Tells us it’s a thriller up front and it lives up to its promise. The mystery is there from the very start and I was completely hooked. You’ve got so much going to on so quickly in the opening chapters, I really had to concentrate and that pulled me even deeper in. I can see this having many layers. A very cinematic opening. My heart was racing reading it. I like the fire, a great touch. Dramatic but also leaves you a lot to play with later, destroyed evidence etc – very clever. I have so many questions; if I had this book in my hands I wouldn’t be able to put it down. I personally didn't mind the back story but I do admit to skimming it a little because I really wanted to get back to the present mystery.

Delighted to have this on my shelf.

Janny

Jane,
A rivetting start, the playful scene of a family outing shattered by two strangers dragging the father away, then arsonists setting the family home aflame. These heart-pounding developments leave Amanda clinging to little Jenny in the shelter of their boat while the police seek her husband and the perpetrators of the crime. The rollercoaster ride picks up steam from there, abetted by clearcut narrative prose and unaffected dialogue. What you might consider is skipping chapter two altogether as unnecessary backstory.slowing the pace. Everything's explained as we go. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Jane, I'm here, at last, with my return read. Thank you for your patience.

Intending to read initially a couple of chapters, I've read everything uploaded. It's a wonderful sample of a detective genre, a very absorbing read! The brilliant starter, hooks in every chapter, a good pace and excellent language skills make the reader love this book (and its author, I daresay).
While reading, I made some notes. Here they are, if you please:
Ch. 1.
Nice beginning. We can feel growing tension. Is anything going to happen to the child? An emphasis on the book.
Ch. 3.
" Laughter and tears had filled this home..." Why, on Earth, do you mention tears? Does that mean they lived unhappily? But every line,written before, proves they were happy...

Emphasis on the book once again. There has to be a real clue in it,then...
"Sarah left last week" - very suspiciously, I'd say...
Nice turning with Sarah's age.
I don't believe Sarah's leaving a clue to her password stuck to the bottom of her computer screen(The same with e-mails), otherwise she"s completely innocent or out of mind... So, above suspicion? We'll wait...
Ch. 6.
"...guy ropes..." Do you mean: "mooring lines"?
Not very wise to send the kid to a relative. You are clearly intended to make those rascals kidnap poor child...
Ch. 7/
Happy to find Sarah above suspicion...
Poor Jenny... You've done it to her , yet...

I'd like to support you, but can't do it now. Nevertheless, it is on my WL, ready to be rotated to the shelf later .

Six stars and my congratulations, dear Jane!

Valentine But
Escape

.

Dear Jane,
What a lovely plot - grabbed me from the first paragraph - 1 st ch, a real shocker! I had to check back and then saw that you used the time line quite cleverly. I read everything you posted and groaned when I had nothing more to read.
If I may point out a couple of mistakes (of course you don't have to change anything as these are mostly my personal preferences). I try to avoid starting sentences with and or but, especially not at the beginning of a new paragraph as these words work better when used as links to tie phrases, clauses and simple sentences together. For example: "But (rather use) Yet, things did not add up."
In one paragraph you use ; in stead of . I would redo as follows: "There was no reason for Tony to disappear. Who were the mysterious men Jenny had seen? Why had the house burned to the ground (no comma) and why had Tony's secretary left work without a warning or notice?" (not left work with no warning). In this section just check out was, were and had to as well "... there were (not was) two people missing..." and "Maybe this was(rather use) had nothing to do with Tony ... and it had to do with her, rather than "was to do with her."
I also have a suggestion for this sentence: "... water clung to his forehead and ran down into his eyes - eyes which were deep blue, dancing with joy; eyes that said, 'I love you.' OR "... and ran down into his eyes; deep-blue eyes dancing with joy saying, 'I love you.'" This whole paragraph however, is beautifully written and well-thought out because the reader is just thinking, but she never reallly went on the boat, when one realizes that Jenny had been dreaming. Good Stuff.
I thoroughly enjoyed your book and give five stars, simply because your book is incomplete.
A very enjoyable read, thank you so much.
Pleasant weekend
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Jane: Read your book in one sitting. Couldn't stop.. It is clear, flows very well and an interesting story to boot. I have actually commented twice because the first comment didn't seem to show up. Believe I also said I want to take the same writing course you did. Six stars. jack hudson

Thanks Jack and good luck with yours.

Nothing to do with the Will, I'm afraid, but thanks for your comments

Due Process.
By Jane Finch.

As a crime thriller, your book has everything going for it, mystery, intrigue and the unexpected twist.
It certainly keeps the reader wanting to read on. I found the seven chapters to be compelling to say the least.
It’s enough when Tony goes missing, but then the fire—things are beginning to hot up, so to speak.
You open up the reader’s thoughts when you bring into it the secretary, Sarah Greenwood who disappears from the scene as all this is going on. It looks pretty obvious that there may be a connection—we are wrong!
Later on we have the threatening letter and the boat chase followed by a missing Jenny. The Co. secretary.
I would have liked to have read more of this, I think Mildred Watt’s, Will, has a lot to do with Tony’s disappearance, but I could be a mile away from the answer…I would like to know the outcome of this mystery.
Very well written, Jane, full marks for this!! On my shelf very soon!

…but froze as Megan said, ”Except the Justin file will be missing. Poor guy drowned in his bath last night…” - Except needs to be lower case, it follows a speech tag and is not a name.
…We are the executors under the will of your Great Aunt Mildred Watts… - Great-Aunt, followed by a comma.
…”So that means…” began one of the officers “that if the secretary’s story holds up…” - Comma required after (officers).

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Due Process.
By Jane Finch.

As a crime thriller, your book has everything going for it, mystery, intrigue and the unexpected twist.
It certainly keeps the reader wanting to read on. I found the seven chapters to be compelling to say the least.
It’s enough when Tony goes missing, but then the fire—things are beginning to hot up, so to speak.
You open up the reader’s thoughts when you bring into it the secretary, Sarah Greenwood who disappears from the scene as all this is going on. It looks pretty obvious that there may be a connection—we are wrong!
Later on we have the threatening letter and the boat chase followed by a missing Jenny. The Co. secretary.
I would have liked to have read more of this, I think Mildred Watt’s, Will, has a lot to do with Tony’s disappearance, but I could be a mile away from the answer…I would like to know the outcome of this mystery.
Very well written, Jane, full marks for this!! On my shelf very soon!

…but froze as Megan said, ”Except the Justin file will be missing. Poor guy drowned in his bath last night…” - Except needs to be lower case, it follows a speech tag and is not a name.
…We are the executors under the will of your Great Aunt Mildred Watts… - Great-Aunt, followed by a comma.
…”So that means…” began one of the officers “that if the secretary’s story holds up…” - Comma required after (officers).

Best wishes,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Jane: Read your book in one sitting. Couldn't stop.. It is clear, flows very well and an interesting story to boot. I have actually commented twice because the first comment didn't seem to show up. Believe I also said I want to take the same writing course you did. Six stars. jack hudson

Hi Jane - a really good read and you write very well. Like the contrast in the opening paragraphs of a a happy, summer's day - then the two strangers appearing and taking Tony away.

Your writing is clear and to the point which makes for a good steady pace. The plot thickens when there is the house fire and then Tony;s secretary disappears. You layer the story well - building the mystery bit by bit.

I like your 'voice'. It is easy to read and I hope the book does well.

Starring it highly and wishing you lots of luck.

Debbie
Speedy McCready

Hi Jane; I have just read the first four chapters of your story and enjoyed them a lot. I really got into it with chapter three as this gave the story that bit of edge, with the frustration of the police station and then the fire. You can't help but want to know why things have happened as they have and what will happen next, which is the key to a good mystery story. I can't see any reason why this book will not do well here and I shall put it on my WL for further reading. Well done and good luck.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars

Hello Jane and welcome to Authonomy. I've read your first four chapters and really enjoyed them. Your pitch is good, giving just the right information and the plot is clever. Everyone loves a good thriller. You've got the tension building and dropped in some hints about the backstory which make me want to read on. Really good stuff which should do well here. A whole constellation of stars for you and I look forward to reading more soon.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Hi Jane, I liked this a lot you have an interesting start for you book and a real reason to read on to find out what happens, has he gone of his own free will? Excellently written you have done a great job of setting the mood, but I would really think about ditching the first two chapters and get straight in there with the action. Highly stared, Karen.