Cured

Hi, I've read your first 3 chapters and will definitely be back for more! This book is fantastic!

Your pitch is great - I would not be putting it back on the shelf in the shop after reading it.
Prologue - Sets the scene extremely well (and I liked the part about Hewitt using the PMs first name lol)
I also like the way you drop in hints about what's going on without giving too much away - a great hook & I'm taking notes.
Dramatic & hard hitting ending - I like.

At this point I actually forgot I was reviewing and just read, I'm sorry I have no suggestions for you, I like this book just the way it is. I will be making some space on my bookshelf at the beginning of the month - this book will be filling one of those spaces.
Well done and good luck,
Karen
An Ill Wind

Phew! Right then, as promised. After you said you were to read Nathan's book, I have read all of your 21 chapters.
First of all, this is a really well written piece of work. The characters are well thought out, multi dimentional and believable. The story has a natural progression, with a great begining an intriguing middle and is leading up to a satisfying conclusion. I have never read anything from this genre before, though I enjoy such movies, and I believe this would make an excellent movie.

At first I wasn't sure about the tense, but I got used to it and in fact believe it added to the pace and helped me immerse into the story better. I also liked the way you split up the POV and didn't lose track of timing etc. Everything was relevant and there were no wasted words or sentences.

I enjoyed all that I read and now want to know the ending:) I think this should do well on here and you ought to do a bit more promotion in the forums or by reading and commenting on others. I hope this gets to the desk and I believe you definitely have something publishable here. Well done. Julie xx

Great, clean writing, plus a very interesting and unique storyline. Setting things after the zombie outbreak appears to be over--when society is cleaning up the mess, and they've managed to find the cure--seems like a really fresh take on the genre to me. Having read the first three chapters so far, I think you've got a keen ear for dialogue, and have managed to sustain a high level of realism here, which was quite impressive, considering the subject matter.

The manuscript was very well polished, and I didn't really spot any punctuation issues. I did have a little trouble picturing some of the characters in the first two chapters, and when we did get some descriptions in chapter three, I found myself wanting a little more from descriptions like “long, slender fingers” and “long slim legs”. That may simply be personal preference, of course. The only other slight thing I noticed was in “hoarse croaking sound” in Chapter 3 - a croak is a hoarse sound, so this seemed a bit redundant to me.

Overall, though, I thought this was very well done, and the first three chapters definitely left me interested in reading more.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

I think I actually intended to read your short stories but ended up reading Cured instead.
I'm pleased I did. This is a really good idea - a scientific, medical approach to a zombie outbreak, which brings in all kinds of echoes from real life emergencies and the handling of survivors afterwards.

The writing is very clean and unfussy and the characterisation is excellent. You set up a really good tension between the people like Hancock who lack compassion and the doctors who put themselves at risk trying to do the right thing. I am interested to see that George is going to be a main character as so far, ch.6 he comes over as rather sinister and possibly a threat to Sara. Not sure I believed in her fancying him at that stage.

A great read though. I've really enjoyed it so far. Very professional writing. High stars from me.

Hi Dave,
Here's your return read for your comment on Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams.

A lovely, intriguing premise as described in your pitch. The story sounds dark, interesting and original. Perfect!

Chp1
First line could pack a bit more punch. What about later on, where you have "In the first few months of the Infection..." that would make a punchier first line.

I love Hancock's dialogue. It leaps off the page. Boy, I know some men like that!

Nice description of Wrexham. Succinct, but really paints a picture. In fact all your descriptions are excellent.

I like "or I'll have the bitch shot". Very shocking and really serves to reveal Hancock's character and to show the extremity of the situation.

Great hook at the end of Chp1.

Chp2
A good sense of atmosphere and tension is built from hearing George's thoughts and from the dispute about when the straps will be removed. George is intriguing, but likeable. I like the bit about being chosen by pretty women, that makes us like and identify with him immediately. Wonderful.

This is dramatic and gritty writing, well crafted too. There is a good balance between description, dialogue, internal dialogue and exposition. You are very good at all pieces of the jigsaw and it really helps to carry the reader along and to make us want to read on.

I can see this doing very well here indeed. Well done.

6 stars from me. Will keep you WLed and bear you in mind for future shelving, but things are a little tight at the moment.
Sharda.

BHCG Review from Simon Cairnes

Title

Neutral

Short pitch

Not bad, but see below.

Long pitch

I think you are trying to put too much information into it. With pitches, the simpler, the better. Just concentrate on George and his personal experiences.


Pacing

Pacing is fine. It ticks along quite nicely and I didn’t find my attention wandering at any point, which is a good measure of how it’s all working.

Characters

The characters are developing nicely, without being overly strong. There is a fine balance between a caricature that is quickly and easily understood, but lacks depth and a more complex character that unfolds gradually. One small point, George’s motivation for hanging back with his story doesn’t feel quite right. If he wants to get the story right in his head first, that is not a game. If he is afraid he will be thrown back into the pond if he isn’t interesting enough, that is a different story and would need to be articulated more clearly.

One small point. Margaret talks about her dead son in the past tense. It is quite common for someone to continue using the present tense for some time after the death of a loved one and occasionally realising and correcting themselves. Margaret has only just been revived, so this is quite a likely scenario.

POV

POV is consistent and works well, without being intrusive

Style

You write well and coherently. Your descriptions are nicely balanced and I can see you have the ability to get yourself to a publishable level. However, you need to tighten things up a bit. Like all good writers, you have a tendency to add unnecessary detail. For example:

“Like all the cured, and of course the infected, her eyes…” (chapter 4). You don’t need the infected part. It just slows down the story and the reader already understands exactly what you are saying. If you are saying “of course,” then it must already be obvious!

There are also the odd bits of clumsy phraseology that just need a ruthless edit. Ask yourself, what am I trying to say exactly? Then say it exactly. Don’t get me wrong, this is just a minor issue and for a good writer like you, will not be hard to correct, but it will make a big difference to the flow of your manuscript. For example,

“Poor lovely face.” (chapter 4). It’s an odd turn of phrase and would read so much better to say something like, “Lovely little face.”

You have use the word ‘that’ quite frequently. It is mostly an unnecessary word and slows your reading down. The best rule of thumb is nine times out of ten it is redundant, so if it sounds ok without it, delete it.

Finally for this section, I am a great believer in reading things aloud. It would be perfect for you, as you will spot any awkward phraseology and excessive wordiness immediately.


Sentences

Mostly good, but occasionally over long and in need of some additional punctuation.

Dialogue

Good, but occasionally you need to add in some descriptions in between the dialogue. When Margaret is told her son isn’t there, she only seems to react to it a bit later. My guess is that she wasn’t sure of her facts at first and was confused. If that is the case, use a description of her reaction to make that point clear (chapter 4).

Originality

Zombies are not original, but your approach to the subject is. Just make sure that readers are aware of that at an early stage.

Publishability

With a really good edit, your writing is at a sufficiently good level to make it a possibility, but you need to handle your subject matter carefully, as it is a well travelled subject.

Summary

Unfortunately I have a lot of work on at the moment, or I would have read a lot more of this, as it is good. There is a mixed bunch of stuff on authonomy and you are definitely in the more skilled end of it. I didn’t once find it hard going and for an MS that still needs editing, that is a real compliment, so keep going.

This is different to the run of the mill Zombie Apocalypse tales. Intriguing and written very well. High stars!!!!

BHCG Review of “Cured”

A zombie apocalypse book that deals with far more than its characters merely surviving, but trying to reclaim their lives after being torn apart in so many ways. The book begins with two scientists attempting to find a cure for the zombie plague, and then when one is found after so many failures and massive deaths, the next struggle is reintegrate the ‘Cured’ into their families and society.

I came to really like following George’s family. Their chapters were the best in my opinion, and it was a good storytelling strategy to not reveal what George leaving them was like until the end. You just follow their struggles to survive and it’s so sweet how Amy, Gwilym, and Megan defend Jake even after he’s turned, which only happened when the boy tried to save his uncle.

I also found the response to the 'cured's' reintegration, mostly led by the Survivors' League, to be very convincing. I really thought that the 'cured' were being gathered in camps to all be shot down, and at the end I'm still not sure whether the family will come together again or not. I actually was expecting George to reappear and attack his family while still zombified after he had been infected and failed in his suicide.

Kestrelraptorial (Dragonraptor)

Excellent! An intriguing pitch, a first class beginning, clever and realistic dialogue (necessary to make us feel the reality before the un-reality) and a stunning end, leaving us gasping for more. This will surely be published.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Hi Dave, here as promised ;)

so why have I backed your book? First I read it because I loved the idea. Not another zombie apocalypse but a fresh look at what happens after, how we forgive, over come and just generally put ourselves back together. Why has this not been done before?

Great pitch too.
Clear smooth prose.
The emphasis on the personal cost.
The strong narrative drive

What else did I like about it? Well there's all those carefully placed hints cleverly woven through, nice and subtle and intriguing. I'm still reading, but at chapter seven I have a whole heap of questions about George, about the specifics of the infection as we start to build a picture of how it happened, and, my favourite part, about the why. I love the hints, with bureaucratic interference and feet dragging, of conspiracy, and with a doctor that pretty romance must rear its head ;) I like unravelling a mystery.

But I'm afraid I don't just give praise. I believe good books are best served by honest crits that make them the best they can be.

You only really have one fault- and please don't hate me- but you do too much telling.. *She ducks for cover!*

i'm not idly throwing rules about. I'm giving you an honest sense of how the reader in me responded. I wanted to be dragged into this story, I wanted to smell it, taste it, pull back in revulsion from it, but I kept getting this barrier stopping me from really digging in.

The prologue is perfect. Wouldn't touch it. It sets up that sense of intrigue and conspiracy and does so by setting a scene and pulling us inside.

chpt one we move back and we're getting a heap of back story. its necessary as we are coming to this story at the 'after' stage, but there are simple ways to still pull us in. I would couch it in dialogue and present, specific action (by that I mean stay in past tense but give us details such as 'Sara stopped outside the door and took a moment to smooth down her blouse. She always needed a few extra breaths before facing Hancock'. Then the telling becomes her thoughts and we are still inside the scene as it were.

sometimes you give us unnecessary information- for instance the start of chpt 5 is unnecessary up until the statement about wanting to find Timmy. Daily interaction is something that should be seen rather than skimmed over. When they are discussing George later you could describe where they eat lunch. I have no idea what the facility looks like and yet I am curious as I imagine things are pretty much down to the bone for the few survivors, so its unlikely to be state of the art but like the camp, makeshift and probably very Spartan, if not incongruous.

Other times you put us in the scene but don't quite make the most of it. For me the telling v showing issue comes down a lot of time to the detail you give- those tiny specific little details and actions alongside the bigger picture image. you are good at skimming over and giving us a great birds eye view but I don't feel you pull us in often enough. The scene at the camp for instance, wasn't quite as effective as I would have liked. A small incident- one of them drawn by a shiny button on her coat and brushing up against her- the reaction of the guard or perhaps her own reaction at the overwhelming stench, or one of them peeling at their own skin revealing the muscle and bone beneath- might be one way to ground us there.

I feel like I am starting to get to know George but interestingly when we get to Sara's sections I feel like I am on the outside looking in. What does she see when she looks at George? What's her personal reaction to Margaret? again I am looking for specifics- is he handsome, does she feel at times like he is flirting with her, does she judge Margaret for not taking her own life knowing she was a danger to others? Does she see guilt in the woman's eyes, hear a defensive tone in her voice?

You do show, for instance in the interactions between Hancock and Sara, that you have a good ear for dialogue and using it to reveal character when you choose to use it. You also show an interest in the very human and personal impact of this disease rather than dwelling in blood and gory action, but to do that we need to really feel everything with your characters.

Anyway, I have a feeling this comment might be ridiculously long, so I shall stop, but if any of this is helpful and you would like to discuss it or ask for clarification, please feel free. Remember its just my opinion, you have a highly original and intriguing mystery on your hands. Hope this helps and many more come take a look at your great book.

Dave,
This story didn't take long to be engaging and in reading the first three authonomy chapters I've become comfortable with George and the 'cure' he is being administered. I'll re-open this comment and add to it when I read your chapter three. Well done overall so far. I've noted a few chapter two places that I think are worthy of you giving another look. - Steven 'Fly at the Horizon'

Chapter Two/Authonomy Three
'That's just the effect of being in bed for so long.' (I was under the impression that these cure candidates were chosen from a group that spent their days out in a yard and were marched through a room. somewhat contradictory, I think you could re-word, we would guess that the infection made him weak)
...any of them to cause major long-term impairment. (I suggest you remove 'major')
We'll talk again in a day or two, when your voice has improved. (I like this better than 'is more fully recovered')
...before you feel much better in yourself. (I suggest you drop 'in yourself')
what this infection was, that she claimed to have cured. (I suggest you end sentence and drop 'him of')

Cured by Dave Farrington

A BHCG review

Pitch – Promising pitch, although I am not a fan of zombie stories. It may well cloud my perspective and objectivity. Please bear that in mind.

Cover Art -- The cover art appears to be professionally created and intriguing.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum -- While the book started off slow, it takes off when Hewitt appears on the scene. The dialogue between Hewitt and the Prime Minister bristles. We get an immediate urgency, on the Prime Minister’s part, that the world is no longer a good place to be. The prologue moves the story forward.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little – The background information is doled out through the dialogue and tells us enough to know there are big headaches ahead. The fast is swift, but not too fast. The story progresses in logical order.

Characters/Characterization – We get a strong emotional tone for all of the characters, but I don’t ‘see’ any of them. They are two dimensional. Using the strength of the emotional tone, develop the characters physically, as well. The diseased are vividly described down to bite marks and decayed flesh. The descriptions of Dr. Thompson and Dr. Ferguson are quite clear, but late in the story when an impression already formed. My vision was unlike the character descriptions.

Point of View/Voice – The shift between ch. 1 and ch. 2 was, initially, confusing. Again, consider linking Sara and Arthur to ch. 1. Sara and Arthur seem relevant, yet there isn’t a mention of their job titles, only a subtle illusion to their significance. Are they also underground?

After reading the first four chapters, it’s obvious the character descriptions improve. We finally see the doctors and learn more about their mission. The former zombies are returning to the land of the living, along with their memories, which will promise some interesting plot shifts and twists.

The story Margaret tells is grizzly, but it reminds me of the Walking Dead. How does the infection differ from other zombie tales?

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader -- This isn’t working for me. The anger of Hancock’s seem too unnatural. Why is he angry with Sara? What’s wrong with selecting 10 people even though they can’t fit the criteria? Consider slowing down and developing the scene and the characters to a greater degree.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc – The sentence and paragraph structure works. There are indent problems on several chapters, although I'm seeing that format in print.

Dialogue – Very natural with the exception of Hancock’s explosion which came out of nowhere.

Originality – There are a lot of zombie stories on the market. By the end of chapter two, there wasn’t enough to distinguish this from other offerings. Something suggests we need to read more than two chapters to fully see the level of originality.

Publishability – There’s a lot of competition within this market. In my opinion, to make it publishable, each of the criteria area must be nailed. There have to be plot twists that distinguish this from the masses.

Hi Dave,

Thank you for inviting me to read "Cured"- I am glad that you did because it is very good. I have not read all of it but rather jumped from chapter to chapter, six in all, I think. You are a talented writer and should be published.

The concept of a man-made virus doing terrible damage is especially frightening because it could really happen. I like the way you approach the telling- Sara and her team working toward a medical solution and dealing with the bureaucracy is a nice approach and makes Cured distinct from something less deep, like Resident Evil. And the idea of having the family isolated on the island, hiding in the cave- oh, jeez, the girl feeding her infected brother? It is disturbing stuff but it brings the horror home.

I also like the tone of mistrust you take toward the government. In this day and age, I think many readers will find it easy to relate to the idea of government being the real monster. The concept of a cured "zombie" being one of the primary characters is innovative. I like what I have read. Good job!

After returning to read two more chapters (12 and 13, which are Autho 13 & 14), I still think this is a fascinating concept, with great writing, strong, believable female characters, and a fleshed-out world that has enough shades of gray to keep things feeling realistic and engaging for me. All of the positive things I said in my previous comment still stand.

As this is the second time commenting, though, I'll get straight to the critiques, which are quite minor, and are very likely subjective.
CHAPTER 12 -
I might take out the first “to” in the line: “face it at all and to try to come to terms with it.” as it might help the sentence flow a bit better for me.
The lines “Are you completely stupid?” and “Has this country gone completely crazy?” are close to one another, and I might change the first one to something like “Are you an idiot?” to avoid using “completely” twice
“They also take children whose parents may not have the capacity to care for their children.” - I would suggest changing “their children” to “them” to avoid the repetition
- great line about not wanting to drive a car whose drivers had been eaten within it
CHAPTER 13 -
- I wasn't quite sure about there not being much news other than the infection. Just the efforts to rebuild the infrastructure and feed the populace would likely take up quite a bit of airtime. And I would assume there would be news from other parts of the globe, as well. I could be mistaken, though, as it's been a while since I last read this.
- “As George went to pass (by), Jeff stopped him,” - it's incredibly minor, but “pass him” and “stopped him” were back to back
- “opportunity to hear from two very interesting people” - this didn't work for me, though it could just be how the guy talks. I would have said something along the lines of “opportunity to hear from two of the leading experts in the field of (insert their expertise here).”
- I might have had Morgan--instead of warning people and disrupting the show--motion subtly to the security goons and have the disruptive people escorted out.

Despite a few minor quibbles, though, I'm still really enjoying this, and it feels quite different from the other zombie fiction I've seen or read.
Still high stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

I really liked this book. Great tension and dialogue. It reminded me of 'Outbreak', about the outbreak of a deadly disease. That had a strong science backed theme. Really well done.

Great, clean writing, plus a very interesting and unique storyline. Setting things after the zombie outbreak appears to be over--when society is cleaning up the mess, and they've managed to find the cure--seems like a really fresh take on the genre to me. Having read the first three chapters so far, I think you've got a keen ear for dialogue, and have managed to sustain a high level of realism here, which was quite impressive, considering the subject matter.

The manuscript was very well polished, and I didn't really spot any punctuation issues. I did have a little trouble picturing some of the characters in the first two chapters, and when we did get some descriptions in chapter three, I found myself wanting a little more from descriptions like “long, slender fingers” and “long slim legs”. That may simply be personal preference, of course. The only other slight thing I noticed was in “hoarse croaking sound” in Chapter 3 - a croak is a hoarse sound, so this seemed a bit redundant to me.

Overall, though, I thought this was very well done, and the first three chapters definitely left me interested in reading more.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Hi, I've read your first 3 chapters and will definitely be back for more! This book is fantastic!

Your pitch is great - I would not be putting it back on the shelf in the shop after reading it.
Prologue - Sets the scene extremely well (and I liked the part about Hewitt using the PMs first name lol)
I also like the way you drop in hints about what's going on without giving too much away - a great hook & I'm taking notes.
Dramatic & hard hitting ending - I like.

At this point I actually forgot I was reviewing and just read, I'm sorry I have no suggestions for you, I like this book just the way it is. I will be making some space on my bookshelf at the beginning of the month - this book will be filling one of those spaces.
Well done and good luck,
Karen
An Ill Wind

Hi Dave,

loving this! I'm a huge fan of zombie outbreak books and love to read anything that has a new or unusual twist. You didnt let me down ;)
I didnt notice anything in the first couple of chapters that had me pause for thought or noticec anything grammatically, which was a lovely surprise as i was literally able to sit back (way back) on the sofa and read.
I'll be coming back for more.

High stars

keep it up

Claire C Riley
Limerence

I had to read this one just from seeing in your pitch that this is not a zombie outbreak story. Very few stories actually look at the aftermath of the outbreak and I fear that's due more to a lack of imagination than it is a lack of interest in the possibilities of the subject matter. Heck, best I can think of is the book version of I AM LEGEND where it ends at the point where things are changing.
And here you prove me right. This is imaginative and does a great job of furthering the zombie mythos by giving a possible end to the survival story and putting it back to civilization.

And you do it justice as well. Although I feel like I still haven't gotten to the actual story yet by the end of chapter 1, I think I see it coming soon. All in all, I think you've got a very unique concept here and I'll be back to read more when time allows.

For now, high marks and a spot on my watchlist.

chap1 (prologue) edits
"she seemed to (be) losing it"
"so it's all over(,) bar the shouting."
"That's what the army (is) saying."
"percent" is not two words... this line though, "95% of them are 100% fucking dead" - brilliant
"No one" does not need a hyphen in the middle

ok then i totally got sucked in after all these figures and your cool descriptions of the deaths and what happened with the mass-murders etc
holy hell, man, that's one opening to a book!

I'm going to post this as a comment now and come back to comment some more on the next chapters etc... i just don't want to lose my notes as this has happened to me before.

i have no major crits for you... this is a great start to what i imagine will be a great book.
i look forward to reading more

cheers for now,
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Hi Dave,
I came across your thread in shameless plugs and I'm so glad I found it! I've just sat here, reading chapter after chapter (I've managed to tear myself away at chapter eight...because dinner won't cook itself) and I've really enjoyed your writing. I was a little apprehensive about the whole zombie theme but I'm pleasantly surprised - okay, blown away - by how well written and thought out this story is. Love the concept - a refreshingly mature take on 'zombies' - I particularly liked the prologue and the political dimensions you touch on. I think the use of different perspectives works really well in conveying the scale of the situation - also it makes it harder to stop reading, anticipating the perspective of a particular character. The pacing is perfect, flashbacks fit seamlessly and I can feel the story building up beautifully, layer by layer with each chapter. High stars and a pleasure to back. All the best!!
Burgundy_Ink

Hi Dave.
Cured.
I found this story easy to read and in a language I understand and truly appreciate.
I did leave it at chapter 11 because I was getting so involved with the story and realised that I'd be properly pissed off to get to the end of the upload and be cut short of the ending. No disrespect to your writing.
I like the way that you leave us with little mysteries in your writing to make us read on. It's very clever. I mean like: Sara tells George that she has three more patients to see. Oh I thought she had five patients. Has the author made an error or has one of them died. I must read on.
And: How did George get bitten on the thigh and on the shoulder. I'm stumped trying to imagine the scenario. How could this be; is it bad writing or is he lying. I must read on.
Sara cottons on to this too later and it all comes out and makes sense. It is a very clever tactic that I've not seen before and it works a treat.
My favourite part quote. Several critical breakthroughs came to her when she was half pissed. So not PC, but so very true.
I see what you mean about your tenses being different in various chapters. I thought chapter 10 worked well with the author telling the story. It might pull it all together. I did like the chapters that were told by George or those in the present tense, but that's going to be difficult to do. There are too many people that don't know the whole story to have it as their story.
POV (as a thing we should consider) stinks if you ask me. If there are lots of characters with their own interest in the story, then who cares if we go from one to another. I liked the way we here Sara and Arthur's side and then Georges and even Margerates.
As for the story, I loved it. It's sci-fi but could be real within weeks.
Highly starred and on the next shelf shuffle, in fact I have a better idea.
I'll get back to you soon.
Take care, Jes.

I found this a most excellent read! Not a story line I've come across before, and you certainly got me hooked. I thought the pacing was good, and kept me interested at all times, the switching between past and present was well done and kept the pace going well.

I thought the characters were well drawn - I'm still finding George a little mysterious and ambivilent and I'm wondering what is going to happen with him in the rest of the story. Sara's infatuation with him came on rather suddenly - her daydreaming - and then appeared to stop. Not sure it fits so well with her.

Interested to see where all the threads lead - George and the other cureds, George and wife and family, Jake, intergration, Sara etc etc.

High rating, and I'll keep in mind for a spot on the shelf when I get some room.

Tara
Wife to Brett, Dark Matter

HCG Review..... Cured
As someone that does not really find any interest in the zombie ideal this is a great twist on a what now to me is an overplayed genre. Slow start to the first chapter but as it continues it gains in interest. Very good insight into the differences in attitudes of the various characters especially Sara and Hancock. Both I can imagine to be a true representaion of reality. The feelings- for and against- I can truly understand. By the end of the chapter I was very impressed. Georges predicament is sad and his total lack of knowledge of his sickness presents future problems for him. Very well written, thought out and clearly explained. Highly Starred.

Hi Dave,

I just finished reading your book a few hours ago. I actually was expecting George to reappear and attack his family while still zombified after he had been infected and failed in his suicide. It's interesting that the massive hordes of zombies played a background role, with the main characters getting attacked mostly by only one or a small group at a time. I came to really like following your characters, especially the family. I also found the response to the 'cured's' reintegration, mostly led by the Survivors' League, to be very convincing. I really thought that the 'cured' were being gathered in camps to all be shot down, and at the end I'm still not sure whether the family will come together again or not. It's all very compelling.

Kestrelraptorial (Dragonraptor)

HCG Review – Cured

Good start to the story. This is my kind of story. Reminds me of a continuation of “I Am Legend.” You have great dialogue. Your descriptions of Wrexham and the camp are very clear and well worded.

Like that you’ve got the perspective of the infected. Good development of plot with the false amnesiac, horn-dog patient.

I don’t like to say too much about grammar, as I’m no editor and there’re always issues. After having said that, one small critique so far is that so many sentences start with “But” that don’t need to.

I’ve read up to chapter 5 so far. Love it.

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

HCG Review of Cured

Hi Dave. I read chapters 1-3 and then 10-11.

First off I think it's a great idea plot wise. The re-integration of the infected is a nice twist on the mass outbreak theme and really gets the reader thinking about such issues as how far could such people be cured, how could they be reintegrated after their killing and cannibalism of their fellow humans, and how would the cured cope themselves with the trauma of what they had done. Now if I remember rightly one of Something of The Dead films touched on teaching zombies to think and speak but this goes both further and deeper.

Secondly, the style of writing, and here I'm torn. In places the simple description of what happens works really well. In other places it makes the story seem a little sparse, like someone describing the book rather than a book itself (the whole "she did this and then she did that" element). Now I don't know enough about style and grammar and tense to make an informed comment but as a reader that's how it felt. Then again, chapters 10 and 11 seemed to read better. Could this be that you got into your stride by the time they were written? If that is the chapters are in thr order you wrote them. Or could it be that I myself got used to your way of writing and thus found it easier to read?

So, to conclude, great idea with some clever pieces and in places the way you have written this works really well. In other sections the writing doesn't work quite as well for me as a reader and I get the sense that the tenses are a bit out of sync in places. However, in my opinion the good more than outweighs the bad. Editing can fix the bits that don't flow quite as well, if indeed there is anything wrong and it isn't just me, whereas a poorly thought out story will still be a poorly thought out story however well it is written technically. This isn't the case here as I think this plot idea has a lot of potential.

James

HCG Review – Cured
Hi Dave, I will be honest I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this approach to a zombie apocalypse, but as I read to chapter 6. I was impressed with the strength and conviction to your writing. The characters are strong and well defined, the plot drawing you into a doomed world with a slight possibility of hope. The writing is concise and uncomplicated, but the tense does feel off, especially at the beginning of chapter one.
Other problems arise when you think can a zombie be cured? Are we dealing with a virus that kills and reanimates the body or a particularly nasty cross strain of ebola and rabies? I think this should be defined early on in the story.
On a whole I enjoyed what I read and I don’t mean to be negative. Aidan

Horror Critique Review Group - Cured by Dave Farrington

Hi Dave, Great 1st para in your long pitch! Describes your book well! And love the last line! "And the killing is far from over."

Chapt 1' para starting 'There is. I don't know why ...etc .. the Deputy PM like they should have. (missing like?)

para "He is indeed. And just ...etc .. need to be reminded that that (you only need one "that")

You switch sometimes from 1st to 3rd person. "she can understand why the Army "had" to be in charge ... ("had" past tense) ("has")

I would have a very difficult time writing in present tense. They do say First person is the way to go. ) If you do, I think you need to maintain it throughout the story. If I tried it, I'd be mixing it for sure! Bravo for you! just be careful!

Watch using "that" "had" sometimes they're necessary but not always. "At first it seems "that" the soldier expects .. leave out "that"
para "After Hancock storms off, Arthur explains to Sara "that" he "had" promised the girl ... "Arthur explains to Sara he promised ..etc ..

Just as he was about to slide the needle .. etc .. her teeth slicing easily through the thin fabric ..etc .. (I knew it was coming but you still freaked me out with that .. I clearly pictured it!)

I'm enjoying this story more than I thought I would. (I'm more into ghosts, haunted houses) I read to Chapt 6 & skipped through several other chapters to get a feel for where the story was headed. I did see "that" & "had" used in several places where they weren't needed but overall I thought it was well written...well paced. They say Science Fiction is about 20 years ahead of time. Oh, I do hope we don't end up with Zombies. If we do though, you've got the Cure! Lots of Stars! Hmm, I went back to Chapt 6 & read the ending .. I might have to read a little more .. now I'm not so sure it's going where I thought it was!

Jane Lawry
The Genealogists: On Holy Ground
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44825/the-genealogists-on-holy-ground/

HCG Review

I have read up to chapter six and I have to say I like the idea of the story. I’m not a big fan of the tense, but I can work around that. The major issue for me is that most of the time I don’t feel like I am in the story. I feel like you are reporting it to me. I know there is a lot of debate about telling vs. showing with showing being the champion. And there are several writers who make an honest living, telling. However, I don’t feel it helps the story.

I don’t ever feel like I have connected with any of the characters. It’s almost like a newsreel and I am just watching. The story is strong, and I absolutely love the idea of a zombie having been cured and then trying to integrate back into society after all the horrible things he has likely done. That fascinates me. And it is one that I don’t think has been explored before.

Overall the story is really good. But I think if you took some time to show the world through the characters eyes instead of just saying ‘George sees Sara come in…’ That it could be really great. I want to know what George thinks when he Sara come into the room. How does he feel about what’s happened to him? The bit about him being infected was great, but it seemed dispassionate. I want to experience it, not have it recounted to me.

At any rate, brilliant story idea and I enjoyed reading it.

HCG Review: Cured

Dramatic and gritty, the author sets a very dark atmosphere. The tension is not alleviated through-out the three chapters I have read. I found the pace a little slow and George a little sinister. This posed an intriguing question as to whether he was better off "CURED" as succinct from some other more troubling illness. Hancock seems to meld well with most views of military types being ass-holes. Sara has a pure almost serene quality while not being naive, she appears to retain that spark of care for finding humanity however dormant in her patients, in short an idealistic doctor. The premise is very interesting and I believe should go down very well with lovers of dystopian fiction.

Best wishes Colleen

OK. My gut reaction. I stumbled with the tenses in that opening paragraph and had to read it a few times to get the meaning. Though the pitch promises a fascinating story, the first chapter didn’t grab me. It reads like a set up (info dump). I would be inclined to start it with Chapter two, which is much more intriguing. George is the MC, so starting with him fulfils the expectation from the pitch. Good luck. Juliet

I think I actually intended to read your short stories but ended up reading Cured instead.
I'm pleased I did. This is a really good idea - a scientific, medical approach to a zombie outbreak, which brings in all kinds of echoes from real life emergencies and the handling of survivors afterwards.

The writing is very clean and unfussy and the characterisation is excellent. You set up a really good tension between the people like Hancock who lack compassion and the doctors who put themselves at risk trying to do the right thing. I am interested to see that George is going to be a main character as so far, ch.6 he comes over as rather sinister and possibly a threat to Sara. Not sure I believed in her fancying him at that stage.

A great read though. I've really enjoyed it so far. Very professional writing. High stars from me.

Phew! Right then, as promised. After you said you were to read Nathan's book, I have read all of your 21 chapters.
First of all, this is a really well written piece of work. The characters are well thought out, multi dimentional and believable. The story has a natural progression, with a great begining an intriguing middle and is leading up to a satisfying conclusion. I have never read anything from this genre before, though I enjoy such movies, and I believe this would make an excellent movie.

At first I wasn't sure about the tense, but I got used to it and in fact believe it added to the pace and helped me immerse into the story better. I also liked the way you split up the POV and didn't lose track of timing etc. Everything was relevant and there were no wasted words or sentences.

I enjoyed all that I read and now want to know the ending:) I think this should do well on here and you ought to do a bit more promotion in the forums or by reading and commenting on others. I hope this gets to the desk and I believe you definitely have something publishable here. Well done. Julie xx

Dave,
What a premise, zombie's getting cured by innovative medical treatment and used as prototypes for the treratment and rehabilitation of those still infected and eating humans. George is a believable character who proves sympathetic and deserves cheering on through his travails as an ex-zombie seeking a place in the sun. Your narrative is straightforward and easy to follow, your dialogue well aligned with the situation. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kennerth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Colin
Thanks for your very generous comments on Cured. If it really is 'new' and 'intelligent' then I've achieved a lot of what I set out to do. I think your criticisms are probably valid, too, although I'm reluctant at this stage to get back into editing - I need something to happen to convince me it's worth the investment. Same applies to the proposed sequel.
Dave F

This is a new and intelligent slant on the mass infection ('zombie') genre, with a detailed and credible explanation of its origins, spread and effects, and with a focus on one of the infected, George. The story is different too, in not forgetting that the infected were ordinary people, not monsters, and in the efforts of the doctors to find a cure to the mass illness.

The attraction of this book for me was in the plain, clear and unpretentious way it is told. The author gets on with it - tells the story, but is also good at developing character through dialogue. I liked too, how the story of the infection is gradually given to the reader over a number of chapters, and through the eyes of the infected.

Negatives? Not many, but I thought that Hancock was a little OTT in his words. For all his unbridled militarism, unleashed, no doubt, by the break down of law n'order, I still couldn't imagine him using the word 'darling' to the doctor. But maybe I should get out more.

I thought ch. 4 needed more dialogue in George's tale. As it is, it comes over as rather flat because of the largely exposition nature of it.

'Pops his head round the door' in ch. 1 is a cliche.

These though, are needles in the haystack of an interesting story told in a clear and intelligent way.

I have read up to chapter three and I am suprised by how much I am enjoying it. I have to admit that when I first read the pitch I wasn't keen by what I thought was another 'zombie' book. A genre I am not usually keen on. But I was wrong, it was a refreshing take on the subject. Having only read this much I can already see where your theme of oppresion is going to come in, with the cured facing persecuton from the general public. I think you should put more emphasis on this aspect of the story line in your pitch and less of the flesh eating aspect. I think you will hook more people with the pitch this way.

Hi Dave, I read chapter 8. I did find the story more interesting than I expected I would, after watching several Zombie films, its hard to imagine a new twist on the story. You have achieved that and I do think people will be interested and will buy in to the idea. I did struggle a bit with the current tense; 'sarah asks','George says' but my writing is set in the past as a story told not a story happening. I also noted some missed inverted commas that have been mentioned by others, but as you said to me we all make those errors at thsi stage. In summary I think this is an excellent piece, and when you have ironed out the bumps you can expect this to do very well.
I was facinated and will be adding it to my watchlist and rating it highly.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks
Tide and Time: At The Rock

Hi Dave
I have looked at the next few chapters and have a few comments. At first I felt that the pace had slowed - but then I suppose that once Amy had been resettled and her initial attempts at finding Jake had failed the 'pace' would have felt slow to her also. I did feel that it picked jup in the final chapter uploaded when you described George's experiences in the Lake District. The idea of a new and more sinister way of dealing with the ongoing issue of the survivors introduces more urgency to the situation. I wonder if this could have been done earlier however. When Sara is sacked I think this would have been done far more efficiently - I think most places would expect you gone within the hour and escorted off the premises. I think she would have realised this and would have found a way to talk to George before - this would speed the action up out of necessity.
Just some thoughts, I am not an expert and this isn't my normal read. I am still very interested to know what happens to your characters though, which means it still has me hooked!

Hello Dave

I'll start with the negatives, I'm not a fan of present tense although that it my preference and nothing against your book. There are speech marks missing in chapter one where Hancock is talking about the Prime Minister being dead. Not sure if this was intentional. There are one or two areas where it would be better if you showed rather than told, in particular where Hancock leers at her and where she loathes him. That might have been better saved for when they actually met.

Now the good stuff. The story, you have probably guessed I like this genre and this is a good fast moving story. And I like the cured zombie idea, I don't think its been done before so you have something new. Dialogue is also believable.

Overall a good read. Starred and all the best.

Maria

Hi Dave,
Here's your return read for your comment on Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams.

A lovely, intriguing premise as described in your pitch. The story sounds dark, interesting and original. Perfect!

Chp1
First line could pack a bit more punch. What about later on, where you have "In the first few months of the Infection..." that would make a punchier first line.

I love Hancock's dialogue. It leaps off the page. Boy, I know some men like that!

Nice description of Wrexham. Succinct, but really paints a picture. In fact all your descriptions are excellent.

I like "or I'll have the bitch shot". Very shocking and really serves to reveal Hancock's character and to show the extremity of the situation.

Great hook at the end of Chp1.

Chp2
A good sense of atmosphere and tension is built from hearing George's thoughts and from the dispute about when the straps will be removed. George is intriguing, but likeable. I like the bit about being chosen by pretty women, that makes us like and identify with him immediately. Wonderful.

This is dramatic and gritty writing, well crafted too. There is a good balance between description, dialogue, internal dialogue and exposition. You are very good at all pieces of the jigsaw and it really helps to carry the reader along and to make us want to read on.

I can see this doing very well here indeed. Well done.

6 stars from me. Will keep you WLed and bear you in mind for future shelving, but things are a little tight at the moment.
Sharda.

Chapter Three

Good ending! There's a hook in the possibility that he's faking his amnesia. We're curious why he would hide his past.

If Sara is anorexic looking, show this in George's pov when he's leering at her in chapter two. He might think she's pretty and has nice breasts, but is a bit too thin to be attractive, like one of those films of kids in Ethiopia.

Chapter Two

George is a great character. I'm pleased you haven't tried to avoid mention of sex and made him a very realistic person. That he was a young man when infected but now feels old and has wounds will help endear the reader to him.

You should attempt to begin less sentences with 'He' in the beginning of this chapter. It makes the narrative a bit boring, lacking variety.

If you finished the chapter on '...she claims to have cured him of.' and delete the final paragraph, then there will be more of a hook because the reader doesn't know what's going to happen.

Still all very good stuff.

Chris :D

After reading the first 2 chapters, I decided that your work was worthy of shelving. Hope to read more later. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!

Great stuff!

I read your opening chapter and premise and thought it was very well paced and interesting. There are plenty of hooks in your opening, such as the Major's obvious dislike of the victims (presumably he will emerge as the leader of the Survivors) and the question of whether the cure will work or not (though if it didn't, this would be a pretty short book, lol).

I think you need to do a little more to show the collapse of society at this point. Your book begins as if it's all just routine paperwork and codes of behaviour down at the office rather than the end of civilization as we know it, lol. If the PMs death hasn't made the News at Ten, then this indicates a wider breakdown in communications and maybe sinister Secret Police type censorship, but this needs to be shown, I think.

It seems unlikely that Sara and Arthur would choose the 'gender balance' unintentionally. They're clearly highly professional scientists and with limited resources or knowledge to select a representative sample, ensuring that the ten they selected presented an optimum range of age, sex and race would be the best they could do. I'm sure they would have discussed strategy on the way to the camp, and Arthur should have informed Sara about the surgery issue (wanting a test subject for Tom) before beginning.

Anyway, I enjoyed what I read so far!!

Best wishes,

Chris :D

Bother - stayed up far later than I intended reading this! Hope to read the rest at some point. Really liked it and want to know what happens next.

Thanks,
Great that my first comment is so positive. I hope you keep reading and keep enjoying.
Dave

Dave, I just intended to read the pitch,was drawn into the first chapter and ended up engrossed. This is very good writing, fast-paced and effective with the right balance of the banal and the horrific. I already like Sara and dislike Hancock. I intend to read more but for the moment Cured is on my watchlist. I've given it high stars on the basis of the opening chapter alone.
Jane