Dance of the Tavyn

Hi Sonya,

Very good short and long pitches. They lure me into reading your book.

The concept is smart, your book is something I'll read over and over again. Your descriptions are vivid, especially in chapter one. Alynah is a wonderful character I absolutely enjoyed. She's strong-willed and she knows what she wants. She's stubborn at times but I like that about her. It's an intrigue to me how love will find its way to her if she refuses to entertain it.

I give you 5 stars!

If you have some free time, may I invite you to read and rate my book,
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURES

Thank you and I wish you all the best,
D

Very good storytelling, well done :)

Wow!! This is some of the best writing I've seen so far on this site. You've managed to combine memorable, engaging characters, action filled plot and great dialogue into a very intriguing story. I really like how you've developed Princess Alynah and the tension between her and Kirian is quite evident but not overtly so! Would love to know what happens next. Backed very enthusiastically!!! Good luck with this!!!

I have been lucky enough to read a version of this in its entirety, and I have got to say - it should get publlished! I agree with revteappot that the relationship between Alynah and Kirian does seem a bit predictable to start, but once this story gets going, it *really* gets going - and suddenly you're up too late, yet again.
As we learn more about Alynah and her predicament we really come to want what's best for her, even if it's hard to know for sure what that is at any given moment - she doesn't know, herself and we're in her head. There is ONE moment (but I don't want to spoil it) in there though that afterwards, no matter how much questioning she did, *I* knew what she should be doing and going after. And I really liked that. I actually got frustrated with her for not seeing it ... But that's good - I like being involved in a story like that.
This will be a story to keep an eye out for on bookshelves. I'd like a copy.

This is very strong writing, that pitches you atraight into the action (not something that always works for me i have to say, but it does here). The tags of 'dark fantasy' are more accurate than the listed genres of romance and fantasy. I think would have a lot of success if pitched more towrds the YA reading market. The type of action and violence in your story would appeal greatly to teens in particular i think.
I didnt see any obvious grammer or punctuation errors in the chapters i read.
high stars.

MUCH better pitches, they really catch the imagination. (Very flattering of you to say they're based on mine :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Hi Sonya,
After your lengthy comments on A Priest's Tale, I reckoned I had justification for jumping you up the list to read :) I was glad I did - I really enjoyed this and read all you've posted (unusual for me).
There is a certain predictability about the relationship between Alynah and Kirian, but that doesn't particularly detract from your excellent story-telling. Well done with this.

Notes:
Pitch
Short pitch is good, but your long pitch is not a pitch, it is a synopsis. (Wheel on the bandwagon.) You do not need to tell me what will happen in your book, you only need to tell me why I should read it, what sets it apart. I've mostly stopped reading people's long pitch until after I've read the work (if at all), because I'm fed up with already knowing every twist the author has cunningly wrought and then frustratingly explained in the pitch!
Sorry. Rant over.
Chpt 1
The fight is well drawn, but I am left wondering how your MC is moving so well in a fight if she is wearing the skirts I'm imagining with all this talk of bodices. 
"first stirrings of fear" - I confess I doubted your continuity here. True when I checked back you did have no reference to her being afraid, but perhaps for this line to work better to might want to emphasise a little more that the consequence of all the 'kill or be killed' training is that she is calm and unafraid. Perhaps you feel you've made your point sufficiently, of course, and fair enough :)
Chpt 2 
"Regrettably, I was feeling antagonistic." - that made me laugh
"Someone had tied a rough bandage around his thigh" - that was quick!
Chpt 3
"They wouldn’t hurt me" - only five minutes ago they were dragging her out of her coach, violently subduing her, and considering raping her. I think they've established that they'll hurt her...
Nice hook into the next chapter (worked for me...)
Chpt 4
Failed escape nicely done.
Likewise the timing of giving us some detail of the two competing lords.
Chpt 5
"surprising me with its insurrection." - liked this.
"Such a useless thing, crying. Never solved anything." - ditto
"Not because ... to fight and flee." oooh - the mystery unfolds...
I'm sorry, every time you say 'braken', I think forest undergrowth. I keep thinking its a swashbuckling version of day of the triffids!
Chpt 6
"They were too fast to outrun, too wily to out-trick, too powerful to out-fight…" - perhaps also hyphenate out-run also, for symmetry's sake?
I think the section when she becomes drunk needs to be better. She seems surprised by being drunk and, if she's trained in poisons, I'd expect her to be ready for it - if not having a carefully prepared tolerance.
Chpt 8
I loved the dance, what with it being the title of the tale's giving it extra significance this passage really resonated.

Here's a rare statement: let me know if you post more.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Dance of the Tavyn. Good short and long pitch.
Chapter one was excellent- well paced and instantly grabs the readers attention with a great hook at the end to keep the reader wanting more. A great start to the story.
Chapter 3- great hook at end of chapter.
Chapter 6- a better description of the braken might be helpful- I had a hard time imagining it. (a bear like creature maybe?)

I really enjoyed this and would love to read more if you continue to post. The story is very polished with none of the editorial issues that I often run across. It was really hard for me to come up with constructive criticism- if I have any suggestions it is that there could be more character development in the main character- but I think her clarity of voice makes up for this. 5 stars, backed and hoping you will post more. Desi.

Hi Sonya; My friend JCS recommended your book to me and I'm really pleased that she did. I have read your first two chapters. The first chapter had about as much action in it as any opening I have read on the site and I enjoyed it greatly. The knife to the bum made me cringe a bit though, (OUCH!) I thought the chapters led nicely into each other and made you want to read on. I thought you had Alynah fairly bristling in the second chapter with rage and frustration, and you had the whole thing running at a really good pace throughout. So far, the writing has been of a highly competent quality.
I would like to add that both your pitches were very good, too., especially the short one.
I hope you post more as I am sure this book could acquire quite a following.
High stars and WL
RMA
The Snow Lily

Love it. Cant wait to read the rest of it. Great writing!

Sonya, your story is suspenseful and gripping. Your chapter endings kept me reading :) It flows very well with a distinct voice, and I like the first person POV. Quite a development, falling for your enemy. I'd have read on if you posted more. Clean edited, really quite perfected! Excellent!
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

this is well written and hooks the reader. good pace. enjoyable read...
j
what every woman should know

Nice story, well written. Happy to give this a backing in future :)
Jack

{Dance of the Tavyn} – Sonya Lano

Sonya, I have read the first two chapters and love your story and writing! In some ways Alynah reminds me of my Arian, and that makes me smile :) Tense opening, active and engaging. You also develop Alynah well, show her strength and spirit, but also her soft-hearted and caring nature. The writing is polished, the story flows along smoothly.

Though I write fantasy, there are many fantasy books I dislike – because of the info dumping, the cramming of the genre down the reader’s throat… You don’t do that. You just give us a character, a situation, and you engage the readers from the beginning. Fantasy elements are subtly infused. I’m keen to read more and have rated you 6 stars in the meantime. I’ll also recommend you to some people I think will enjoy :)
Take care and best wishes!

Cara
p.s. I’ve also given you some detailed editorial notes on the first two chapters, in thanks for your ongoing support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’. These are all really picky points, and feel free to take or leave anything!! :)

Chapter 1

‘were expecting/counting/watching’ I’d eliminate one of the ‘were’s in this section to make smoother. Perhaps; ‘Even though we were expecting it, counting on it, watching for it… there was still no warning. And no chance to retaliate.’

‘the grunts of men struck’ I think you need ‘men who had been struck’ for clarity

I’d say ‘Bodies thudded, hitting the forest floor.’ To vary the structuring from ‘the hiss…’ and ‘the wild’

I’d eliminate the ellipses: ‘no more drawn weapons. Only the ominous pounding of approaching feet.’ OK I love ellipses too… :) but in this instance I don’t think you need them exactly, and perhaps more impact without them? It’s very stylistic. I’ve just been working on eliminating my ‘unnecessary’ ellipses so that when they do appear, there is more impact

I’d sentence merge: ‘I slid my hand to my hip, garnering small comfort in the dagger sheathed there, as the carriage door crashed open. A filthy, bearded brigand climbed inside and Marilyn’s eyes flew wide open, a high-pitched scream escaping her and unwittingly drawing attention. (new para) ‘His head jerked’ → just a though, first time through the transitions here felt a little disjointed

I’d split; ‘I ordered myself. He fumbled to unsheathe his sword, and I shut off al thoughts as Ulrain…’ not sure, just it’s quite a long sentence I think could benefit from being reworded

Perhaps ‘two more lurching back when they ::lunged :: simultaneously’ just so you don’t have ‘attacker’ and ‘attacked’ in same sentence

Ellipses: ‘my one hope in this hopeless situation. But just as I stretched out a hand’ again don’t think you entirely need them here, just a thought?

Chapter 2

‘He wasn’t quite as tall…’ this is a long sentence, perhaps split?

‘which meant the Deminian overlord meant’ double ‘meant’, perhaps use a synonym, like ‘intended’

‘Princess Alynah’ just thought I’d say I love it how we both have ‘A’ princesses :D

‘Kirian didn’t pause’ I’d have in a new para, as there is a slight focus shift

I’d just say ‘their hands sliding across my body.’ End it there… don’t think ‘as he did’ fits exactly well, but then you don’t need to say anything because it’s implicit, right?

‘I slumped’ then ‘I stiffened’ I think second time you can say, ‘then stiffened’, eliminating the ‘I’ because we know who you’re talking about, and avoid repetition

Comma and ‘hoped; ‘I had to stay alive as long as possible, and hoped the spirits would have pity on me…

I'm grinning from ear to ear as I read. This has definitely got me hooked. I've backed it, and rated it 6 out of 6 stars.

It's moving and the story is fast paced. Your play on action from said princess is fluid and drives the reader to continue.

I love what you've done, and I wish you the best.

JCS
Anguished Immortals Trilogy

Outstanding! Some of the best writing I've seen on the site this year! What a pleasure. You do a magnificent job of establishing your main character, thrusting her immediately into danger and vividly taking us through the action. Keep this up and you'll be at the top of the charts in no time!
Tod
And you are most definitely invited to check out my novel, The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Sonya

I like your style of wriing, it is quick moving, well thought and easy to read.

I look forward to reading on

Dean

LADIES NIGHT

ROUGH JUSTICE