Book Jacket

 

rank 4051
word count 34295
date submitted 26.05.2012
date updated 03.06.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Comedy, Crime
classification: moderate
incomplete

ARTerial Spray

Charlie James

Lycra-clad perverts try to help incompetent, violent and panicking police prevent "The Artist" serial killer from terrorising a school. Dildos, sharks and explosions feature.

 

Since failing to graduate from superhero school, Victor and Paul have failed to make it as superheroes, but that isn't stopping them from attempting to assist Darchester's finest in the pursuit of The Artist - a serial killer who displays his victims' bodies as Damien Hirst style installations.



The neurotic and unwilling Acting Superintendent Scrubes is in charge of the case, assisted by his borderline psychotic DS Watts, and under the watch of a cream cake obsessed Chief Constable and an Assistant Chief who calls himself "Fruity". Surprisingly, it's not going well.



All the clues point to the local high school, but has Doug Thomas, the headmaster, really become a serial killer due to the pressure of an OFSTED inspection? Or maybe it's his deputy, Berkley...after all, he is a bit of a bastard.



The local press are having a field day as the suspects, explosions and Dildo fights stack up, as do the bodies of the victims of The Artist. And as if that wasn't enough, Scrubes is falling in love.



PDF of whole book available on request.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

comedy crime thriller serial killer superheroes

on 8 watchlists

13 comments

 

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Tod Schneider wrote 636 days ago

Good God what a romp! Equally outrageous and erudite! Damned good writing, rich and witty. Destined to be banned somewhere soon!
Best of luck with this.

Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

ewils22 wrote 686 days ago

I've read up to the end of Chapter 4 and I have honestly lost count of the amount of times I've laughed out loud.
Thank you for cheering me up!
At first glance, I wasn't sure that a superhero story would be my kind of thing, however, the way you have written is funny and to the point. I like the way the story is unfolding, and whilst some may find the 'coach scene' too much, I'm not one of them! Retardo and Pornoman's names alone made me chuckle; add in a few wotsits and a carton of Ribena and I have to say I was crying with laughter.
The only thing I would suggest - this was recommended to me - is that you split your pitch up into a few paragraphs to make it more readable.
Six stars, and the best of luck with this, will keep on my WL and read on.
Effie.

Seringapatam wrote 461 days ago

Fantastic and brilliant. So funny. I would buy this right now. Such a good pitch and sold to the reader so well. It is obvious that you dont need to do much here to engage us as its done. I will be watching this to see how well this does and it just takes you to push it on here. I am scoring this top marks as it made me laugh so much. Good Luck. Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)... Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

Lendon Bereau wrote 462 days ago

Having had some minor experience riding a coach and teaching in an English school, I thought you captured both brilliantly. I was entertained without the least inclination to re-experience either one being stirred within me. Good luck with this project.

Lendon Bereau wrote 462 days ago

Having had some minor experience riding a coach and teaching in an English school, I thought you captured both brilliantly. I was entertained without the least inclination to re-experience either one being stirred within me. Good luck with this project.

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 635 days ago

Cover - I could not make out what it was meant to be. It might be ok full size though. The pitch looks good. I'll read
more and comment accordingly.
Chap 1 wouldn't load, so I've started with 2. I like the handwritten letter, ad larger size of print you use for the main text.
The Durex gallery of Modern Art made me smile. ;@ I can imagine there being 'balloon sculptures'. The MC artwork left me cold.
Reading about Marrianne de Laney was funny!
Chapter 3 - The cops had me in stitches, so did the Darchester Times.
Chapter 4 - More about the police, who remind me of the thin blue line. I think this book would make a good adult cartoon, rather like South Park.
Comlit review by Gillian Bergh

Tod Schneider wrote 636 days ago

Good God what a romp! Equally outrageous and erudite! Damned good writing, rich and witty. Destined to be banned somewhere soon!
Best of luck with this.

Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Directed here by the authors. That said, despite my obvious bias, and the fact that this is very very wrong, this is very very funny. Perhaps the funniest book I've read.

KaliedaRik wrote 680 days ago

The book description makes me think that this read is going to be like a Tom Sharpe story: mad, irrelevant and very funny. I love Sharpe's books.

I'm not convinced by the prologue. The writing in chapter 1 is far more convincing, engaging and enjoyable. Your artist is a perfect maelstrom of Mad.

Small nit: the shower para didn't quite work for me - he did this, he did that.

Loved the chapter 2 panic attack. Ginger Scrubes is a treasure. The characters in the police hierarchy are nicely drawn, and the set scene for introducing Henderson is enjoyably executed. There's some small grammar/punctuation nits in this chapter - easily fixed.

Overall, I think this is a good start and would be happy to read more. Best wishes with taking this one forward.

whoster wrote 686 days ago

Can't fault the pitch - crammed with information and sounds promising.

First chapter was well put together and contained plenty of information. You've got a nice turn of phrase too which is handy for comedy. The only slight gripe I've got is that I feel the humour is at times a little too 'in your face' - but that's subjective, as your criticism of mine was. There's an intriguing set of unusual characters here, and it promises to be a good read with some decent capers going on.

Anyway, from the small part I've read, this is a cut above most of the comedy writing on this site, and I award it 5 stars.

ewils22 wrote 686 days ago

I've read up to the end of Chapter 4 and I have honestly lost count of the amount of times I've laughed out loud.
Thank you for cheering me up!
At first glance, I wasn't sure that a superhero story would be my kind of thing, however, the way you have written is funny and to the point. I like the way the story is unfolding, and whilst some may find the 'coach scene' too much, I'm not one of them! Retardo and Pornoman's names alone made me chuckle; add in a few wotsits and a carton of Ribena and I have to say I was crying with laughter.
The only thing I would suggest - this was recommended to me - is that you split your pitch up into a few paragraphs to make it more readable.
Six stars, and the best of luck with this, will keep on my WL and read on.
Effie.

1x80 wrote 686 days ago

This is the kind of book I wish I could write!

Mark5 wrote 690 days ago

A very enjoyable start. Tom Sharpe meets Terry Pratchett. Although the language is a little blue in places it works for me and to be fair, with names like Retardo and Pornoman, I don't suppose you were going for a mainstream audience anyway ;)

There were a few sentences which perhaps could have done with shortening and a few unecessary adjectives in places but nothing major; and certainly nothing that wouldn't be corrected by a decent editor.

You are def on my watchlist and, once a spot frees up, you'll be up on my shelf.

As an aside, if you want decent editorial advice I suggest visting Critique Circle. It's free and has helped me a lot with my own book.

Keep going and good luck
Kind regards
Mark

lisa85 wrote 692 days ago

Here for the crit swap :)

I read the first chapter, and here are some observations:

- The end of the first paragraph. I'd say "It had gotten worse from that point on."

- "The motorway rumbled between the coach’s wheels..." There are 3 "its" in this paragraph close by. Try to revise :)

- It feels like a smoother transition is needed before the flashback on Victor's conversation with Eck. It comes a little bit out of the blue.

- I suggest you to shorten the scene with the overexcited old ones a little. While hilarious, it doesn't need to be so detailed, in my opinion.

- The chapter seemed a little long to me. Maybe you could shorten or break it in two.

- Overall, I like the utter idiocy of the two characters, but careful not to overdo. Same applies to the porno details: may be a little too many of those. I like your prose quite a lot so far. You manage to sound complex and fluid at the same time.

Coming back for the next chapter soon!

murfj wrote 692 days ago

My brother recommended this to me and it is seriously good and seriously funny.

I'm not a writer so I don't know what else to say. Great idea behind the main story [Pornoman and Retardo ride again ... like a grown up version of the Invincibles - brilliant!], clever writing, snappy phrasing and lots of laughs.

I loved 'infectiously stupid' and the novel use of Wotsits, which are a favourite of mine.

Big thumbs up!

John.

1