THE LAST DAUGHTER

Ch 5 Excellent. To the point, well-devloped tension.

Ch 3 An enigma, well developed in this chapter. Nicely done. Recommended reading.

Ch 2 succinct and very readable, although the writer goes to some length in letting us know this is the daughter of the president. Why not just say it.

Ch 1 Excellent first chapter, although I've been a practicing psychologist for 35 years and I have a few bones to pick with the premise of the psychological foundation of this. However, I do understand it is fiction.

Hi Tom. Just a couple of little things that come to mind. (Aside from the fact that I am really enjoying the story, and for me that is the most important.) I'm putting this on my WL for a few reasons and will certainly back it if some of the small things throughout the story can be tidied away. All this book needs is a bit of tidying up and it has potential. I'll begin at the beginning and visit regularly as I read. I hope my editors mind doesn't annoy you too much. The first para needs tightening and a couple of words and metaphors might be changed. The beginning of a story has to be the hook unless we are writing literary fiction and then we can go for the longer descriptive passages. You wrote: "Of course it's a matter of perspective, but many of the diehard locals still remember it as the most horrific thunderstorm ever to hit Cleveland County." A change from "perspective" to "perception" creates a new sense to the opening. With my editors hat on I would have suggested. "Whilst it's a matter of perception the locals, in the main, considered it the most horrific storm ever to hit Cleveland County."

An opening sentence generally can be quite short and pithy. I can't really agree with Fred's crit in his comment that "I wouldn't have written it that way" because really that is what an editor is paid to do, to make such suggestions.

There is another metaphor that would suit better than "crosshairs" bearing in mind that we are talking about an horrific thunderstorm so a word replacement "Warner High School was caught in the crosshairs." might read "Warner High School was caught in the maelstrom." It's a stronger more accurate description and dispenses with a metaphor. Then "In fact state records show the system slamming..." The reader knows about the storm and reference to state records becomes redundant. "The system slammed into the state's western edge just after eight that morning."

So in a few short word twists the opening para has been tightened up to fit the increasing tension in the story itself. You certainly have a great knack for telling a tale and it's highly enjoyable. The main thing is to "get the story down" and deal with the punctuation and other edits later. I really believe you can turn this into a very commercial read and (with your permission of course) I'd like to go through it at length as I get some time. There are some really excellent Micky Spillane moments in your sentence structure and for this kind of novel they work extremely well. Spillane was a master of the short but effective sentence and you did it well with . "The man lowered the phone. Their eyes locked." Spillane in all his novels said things like. "I parted the curtains. The street was dark. Something moved in the corner of my vision. That's when someone turned out the lights." THIS novel has the potential to do this to great effect. I think the easiest way to very quickly turn this novel into a ripping yarn is to go to the beginning and see how tight you can make each sentence. Take out anything you don't really NEED. Really enjoying this. Thanks for the opportunity to comment.

Hi,
Return read.
Chapter one, 'they had another think coming' not thing.
I like this. It's modern. iPhones, fashion clothing, text and email but best of all, short snappy chapters and tight writing. It's what modern, Kindle-reading people like. You can read a chapter between stops on the subway for example.
The plot unfolds with good pace and the tension is inexorable. The end-of-chapter hooks are page-turning too.
Very well written, though I might be tempted to use less adjectives - but I didn't write this did I? It is always tempting to read other's work and think 'I wouldn't have written it that way' but that isn't critique.
High stars and backed.
Good luck with this one.

Hi Thomas,
Excellent writing, fast paced with characters and storyline that pulls the reader in from the start.
Typo - ch 3: 'high time he make his move'.
Could you tell us the year from chapter two onwards? It can't be 1979, with the iPhones kicking about.
This next point is for interest only. You may already know the score. I'm a psychologist and while The Gretchen Scenario is a wonderful invention (I've come across a few like it in my time) it would never be taken seriously by a professional. The psychologist would know this, (and could get into serious trouble) so the Principal must a) have a seriously dodgy reason for insisting on its use and b) have the psychologist under his yolk.
Perhaps show the psychologist sweating a bit more.
All good until ch,7 when the techno stuff kicks in. Is there any way to say the same thing but shorter?
I enjoyed this a great deal,
Scott.

Hi Thomas,
I read through Authonomy Chapter 4, and this is a tension-filled tale with credible characters and excellent pacing and plot. Well done. Six stars, but I have some suggestions:

Autho Chapter 1: Prologue--
-- Maybe you should say it's a two-way PA system at the school? How do these systems work nowadays--is it an open line where the teacher does not have press a button to talk back? You would of course know better than me.
-- The line "... on which were arranged several college bulletins from" was the only text that I felt was too passive. Revise in a more active way? Everywhere else your writing is powerful!
Autho Chapter 2: You call it Chapter 2 in the text of your ms, but the chapter that follows a prologue should be called Chapter 1.
Autho Chapter 3: Same logic as above--you call it Chapter 3, but it should be Chapter 2.
Autho Chapter 4: Same logic as above--you call it Chapter 4, but it should be Chapter 3.
Autho Chapter 4 was particularly creepy and my favorite as we get to meet the suspicious person behind the earlier texts. However, you initially say that the assassin waited patiently but the text below this statement does not support that. The guy is impatient as he waits for Caitlin to reply.
The line "Maybe she was already wise his scheme" is missing the "to" after "wise."
Wouldn't the woman at the podium announce the first lady first?
This is turning out to be an amazing thriller. I might just read some more at a later time.

Kind regards,
Dean Lombardo, who shares some of your favorite authors and is author of ...
"Space Games," a SF/thriller with a touch of black comedy.

The Last Daughter is a gripping thriller, smartly written with just the right mixture of suspense and action.

Adding flavor to the tale, the main character is Caitlin Prescott, a daughter to the president. Having covered politics and The White House for a bit in the past, I was pleased to find that author Thomas E. Mahon got details about the inner workings of that place, and also of Washington DC in general, factually correct. This helps to add flavor to the story, and it should appeal not just to those who love thrillers, but also those who appreciate political tales.

Caitlin seems like a real person, which helps to make the biological father/master assassin angle seem more realistic. We believe in Caitlin, so we accept the more fantastic elements of the story. Beyond that, she acts appropriate for her age and stature, and readers can’t help but like her. We care what happens to her, and that adds to the suspense in tight moments.

The Last Daughter would be a perfect book for a summer read. I can see it becoming quite popular once published. It also would be a great plot for a movie, if that isn’t getting too far ahead of the ball.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Tom, I have just reviewed the first few chapters of The Last Daughter and found it to be very compelling. The opening chapter grabbed me from the start, there is a real sinister mood throughout. The destructive nature of the thunderstorm fore-shadows the introduction of Alex, after his shared ghoulish interest in the demise of Piggy. I really loved the Gretchen hook. You controlled the tension and intrigue very skillfully - withholding Alex's response for a long period that encouraged me to read on with anticipation. This is an intelligent novel without being over bearing and certainly holds a lot more potential terror than the 'slasher fare' abundant on authonomy. I really liked how Alex's characterisation evolved from the results of his psychanalysis. And of course what he wrote on the back of the paper! The leap into the privileged world of the First Lady and daugher had an immediate ominous presence. Catlin being encouraged to radiate her sexuallity continued the unnerving theme of the novel. Tom, The Last Daughter is a mature and well constructed plot with plenty of intrigue to lure the reader deeper into an uncertain world. It's hard to improve on your professionalism. I guess one thought may be to drop the unnecessary 'muttered', 'mumbled' and 'snapped' from the dialogue structure, but this is only a minor observation. Highly impressive and rated with high stars. I have no doubt that The Last Daughter is destined for my bookshelf when a slot becomes available. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

Hi Tom; I must say that your first chapter was as good as any I have read here. The slouching, shuffling descriptions of Alex making him seem a very ordinary, nervous school newbie. Then comes the test and its result: Chilling, disturbing but infectious to read. Then, we move onto Caitlin and the e-mailing assassin. A lot of intrigue, and all the time I'm thinking about Alex, as I am sure I should be. A top notch read so far and obvious potential for putting in print.
Very well done.

RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

Great stuff! Pleased to BACK your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Watchlisted this--I'll try to take a look if I have time. If so, expect more comments. Thanks again...

Rick Lash

THE LAST DAUGHTER
It looks as if this book is already published so I don’t understand why it’s here on Authonomy because it seems too late for comments, but okay. I’m writing one anyway. Alex is an interesting character; you keep saying he’s different from the other students but I’m wondering why you don’t just show us how rude or out of control the other students are and let us figure that out for ourselves (is that why the teacher doesn’t let students take books home? Seems like such a waste of class time to have students sit there reading when they could be using that time for discussing)? His good manners and the thoughtful way he gives the secretary the book is a good contrast to what his record shows. Caitlin didn’t come across as likable to me. Self centered and absorbed instead. And I’m worried about that because I assume she’s going to be the main character. Either way, your writing is flawless; I think you’ll find a large YA audience for this. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Thomas,

This is well researched and flawless. I liked that you drew me in at the first with the riddle. I love them. The school setting was perfect, and I felt like i was there. Good job. The rest...as much as I hate using cliches, was a roller coaster ride. You held my attention and I read all posted. I am intrigued by your writting, and am going to check out "The Last Daughter" on Amazon.

Thanks for the great read, and best wishes,

Morgan H

Wow! Great thriller. Exciting and pulls the reader in. Builds the suspense as each paragraph unfolds. Definitely a winner.

This is a fun and good read.
I like the opener, it has a drawing effect for the reader to go on.
Your MC develops very well.
It means a little fixing up but not bad.
I also like the title, it is very good.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Marvelous, marvelous book! THIS is going on my bookshelf! Okay, how can I review it when it's perfect? I read every word of it (although I didn't understand a lot of the email address lingo) and it's as good as any novel I've ever read. Believe me, I will be the first to the bookstore to buy this! I've got to find out: if Caitlin is not the daughter of the president and his wife - who is she??? This Alex-Maestro-Assassin figure - he sounds like a dark hero - perhaps a love interest for Caitlin as well as the explanation of who she is? Will they end up together and saving the world? I hope not - I hope you keep the book on a character-driven level in the real world rather than turning it into a supernatural, technology-driven science fiction (there are s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o many of those and of vampires and of aliens out there - really boring). Of course, I'm intrigued by the psychologist and the psychology of the plot and of the characters (abusive Uncle, distant mom, best friend, Wendy, brilliant teacher, Lisa Wong, it'd be nice if you'd bring Karen Reynolds, teacher, back into the picture too). Keep that intrigue going! Well, no need for me to gush on but I want you to know that I think you are a genius! I think you will go on to write some real classics. I think this book will soon be published. And I wish you the very best!
with admiration for a huge talent, Pat

THE LAST DAUGHTER.
By Thomas E. Mahon.


This book is a fascinating read. I was intrigued from the very start.
We have a rather strange character in Alex, doesn’t appear to fit in with the usual classroom pupils.
He’s deep, hard to fathom out, on the quiet side, a loaner, new to the school—but very clever as I see him.
He’s not gone unnoticed though; the school have devised a short test to check the mental stability of its pupils—‘The Gretchen Scenario’…Alex is about to be tested.
I thought about the question given to Alex, it’s a good psychological test as to a person’s make up.
I couldn’t think of an answer to it personally.
I was shocked by the ease of Alex’s answer and in quick time too.
This would be interpreted by any psychologist that Alex has ingrained anti- social and menacing thoughts. He appears to me to be unstable underneath that quiet facade of his.
It’s almost frightening.
You’ve brought a chilling enigma into the story very early in the book, it’s bound to hold the reader to it and it’s very well thought out.
I can see the school is onto him, information has been forwarded to them even as he takes up his placement…Very weird indeed!
You’ve written a very fine thriller here. I will buy and download it on kindle for a read at leisure.
Great stuff. Full stars!!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Thomas,
After five chapters, i know i'm going to come back and read more about uncle Terry and the mysterious emailer. Your writing is crisp and smart, love your sense of humour, and you certainly write well about the mind of a woman.:)
Great work, love it.
Six stars and a place on my shelf as soon as i can
Maria x
The Path to Survival

See THE LAST DAUGHTER on these mobile devices: Kindle, Nook, iPad, iPod, iPhone.

Enjoy and thanks for your feedback!

Hi this is Cyrus,
Just read a couple of chapters of your work and found it pretty impressive. The storyline just reaches out and grabs the reader by the throat. A lot of writers attempt this kind of work but there are few who really GET it. It is self-evident from the start that this is an intelligent and polished work that will surely do very well here. The pace is excellent and I found that my attention was fully focused on each sentence- not something I can say about most works.
Look, I'm putting you on my watch list with a bucket full of stars, and I expect you will jump the queue to my book shelf. I always keep a book on my shelf for one month, therefore there is a back log.
This is one of the rare books that I really will come back and read- well done.

Would you mind having a look at Hellion 2- second part of a series of four but it can be read as a stand alone.
I would be most interested in your take of my American character in chapter 4.
regards

Cyrus