Book Jacket

 

rank 5911
word count 10026
date submitted 28.05.2012
date updated 05.03.2013
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: moderate
incomplete

Chase

Vanora Marie

A bounty hunter searches for a serial killer while navigating the complex world of the supernatural clans in her city.

 

Adrianna is one of the top bounty hunters in her city. On the way to a promotion her ex shows up and they get partnered together. Now she has to find out who is killing off the retired members of the local packs all the while ignoring her feelings for someone she thought was gone from her life for good. **This is a very rough first draft; I've been told there is multiple spelling/grammar errors, and that my characters lack depth.**

 
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tags

, bounty, crime, hunter, paranormal, shifters

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3 comments

 

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VanoraMarie wrote 409 days ago

I understand that this is a first draft so I hope that the following feedback will help to develop your work:

The first thing I noticed is that it is missing some commas. The first sentence for instance, could use a comma.
In the third paragraph you use the word "years ago," twice in the same sentance.
You wrote; "when he metaphorically threw my heart in the blender. " You dont need the word 'metaphorically'. That is understood. Also, some might call that a cliqued analogy. I would urge you to develop your own term for broken heart. Make it poetic, emotional, and original.
Not sure why this happend, but halfway through the first page the paragraph spacing changed.
And last, but not least: I did not know that girls could get "hard ons."!

However, I do think that you have an interesting premise and urge you to keep writing and also reading other pubished well respected authors and study how they contstruct their thoughts. Thats how I learn anyway.
Hope that helps and best wishes for you.



Thank you very much for your well thought out and detailed comment. I'll be doing a third fourth and fifth look over double checking my grammar and commas. Thank you for the advice it is well appreciated :)

Trenor wrote 419 days ago

I understand that this is a first draft so I hope that the following feedback will help to develop your work:

The first thing I noticed is that it is missing some commas. The first sentence for instance, could use a comma.
In the third paragraph you use the word "years ago," twice in the same sentance.
You wrote; "when he metaphorically threw my heart in the blender. " You dont need the word 'metaphorically'. That is understood. Also, some might call that a cliqued analogy. I would urge you to develop your own term for broken heart. Make it poetic, emotional, and original.
Not sure why this happend, but halfway through the first page the paragraph spacing changed.
And last, but not least: I did not know that girls could get "hard ons."!

However, I do think that you have an interesting premise and urge you to keep writing and also reading other pubished well respected authors and study how they contstruct their thoughts. Thats how I learn anyway.
Hope that helps and best wishes for you.

Casimir Greenfield wrote 684 days ago

Great concept and a lively opening chapter. This feels like an early draft, so there are the usual stumbling blocks of typos, punctuation and repeats.

With a good hard edit, and an out-loud reading (I mean read the whole thing OUT LOUD - not in your head...) that should get the rhythm of the piece flowing nicely. Some of the dialogue needs to be spoken too, to get that realism in there. Plus, show more, tell less. For example: she's not tall - tell us in a more off-hand way. The subject matter would benefit from this. It needs to be slicker and punchier in this well-trodden genre.

But a promising opening and one I have put on my Watch List. I only back books that are complete, so I'll watch this one with interest and come back when the next draft is there.

All the best, Cas

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