Book Jacket

 

rank 13
word count 69726
date submitted 29.05.2012
date updated 24.05.2013
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

The Snow Lily

Richard Ankers

A journey from the depths of despair, to hopes dashed. Bobby and Lily have only winter in their lives.

 

Winter 1892.
A terrible act of violence is about to forever alter the fates of a young boy and his infant sister. An act so vile, the ripples from it will cascade through the rest of their lives.

Six years later.
Bobby and his sister, Lily are held captive by the fiends who perpetrated the unquestionably awful act upon their mother, their dear Mummy.
Living, just barely, the children are treated like animals, abused both mentally and physically. The question is why?
As the tale unfolds, Bobby begins to realise that he and Lily are pawns in a greater game. Their escape from captivity is a happiness short lived as one thing after another proves to be less than they hoped. The freedom once longed for becomes more of a burden with each passing day.
Whilst Bobby grows into a deeper malaise, spawned of pain and the hope of seeing his Mummy alive, his sister's erratic behaviour becomes all the more troubling.
When the end game comes, will the two children, who've only ever had each other, summon the joint strength to survive?
From the harshest of winters, a lily will try to bloom.

 
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tags

, children, cruelty, evil, family, hope, love, winter

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342 comments

 

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lauraemmons wrote 106 days ago

I've just read the first four chapters of The Snow Lily. The story is compelling. You convey the horror of the children's circumstances well. The scene where they descend the stairs had me holding my breath. I cringed at their bathing routine. I felt the pain when you said they stood next to the boarded up fireplace to try and catch a whiff of outside air. Technically flawless, I can see why this novel has done so well on the site.

I have no suggestions for improvements. The story idea is fresh and the telling is thrilling. I'll be back to read more.

Best of luck with it's publication.

Laura Emmons
Seeing Magic
Healing Hands

Vikko wrote 241 days ago

R.M.A., I am amazed at the literary genius and great emotional intensity you portray in your writing! The figurative speech you use is of great caliber and is filled with deep symbolic and wise interplay of expression like none I have ever seen before. I am utterly taken aback with what I have just read. I see nuances of Dickens and C. S. Lewis in your writing. Oddly enough, your writing is ageless and timeless. I could not really tell (in my spirit) if I was in the days of old England or in the days that I relate to in my own current life of suffering. Indescribably speaking, the similes and descriptions of your wordage are heart rending and are wound into cords of bottomless wisdom and the "feeling" of painful life experience blossoming into the hope of a newness of life. Death and rebirth is what this writing is all about. And it is written in such a way that one is turned to the heart of the Creator who has envisaged the painful dilemma of human suffering.

The only shaky structure I found somewhat disconcerting was the transitions into you "Interlude" chapters.

Overall, reading this work was an experience I will never forget. God bless you!

Vicki Hendrickson Burns
"Purissa and the Ice Angel"

Sara Stinson wrote 290 days ago

The Snow Lily
By R.M.A.

I have spent the last several hours mesmerized! This is a gripping story! A dark and grimly beginning, yet in each chapter a hint of hope evolves. Two innocent children witness and experience unspeakable deeds carried out by evil people. In the most bleak moments, they find 'good'. If it is nothing but a drop of water of a snowflake, they cherish the moment of seeing and exploring new things in life. You are missing out if you have not read!

I have sprinkled you with 6 stars!
Sara Stinson
FingerBones

Neville wrote 337 days ago

The Snow Lily.
By R.M.A.

I read your first book 'Sea Spray and Stars' it was wonderful.
Now I come to another spectacular book!

Such a wonderful prologue as you open up this story. It could not fail to keep the reader from wanting to read on.
So I read the twenty five chapters straight through—I couldn’t put the book down!
It’s almost as if this is non- fiction to be honest…It’s so well written that I got a sense of the authors involvement as a M/C.
The pre-face sets the feeling of despair for the reader…’At some point, the winter wind stops howling and the Christmas blizzards abate, someone will feel the children’s pain and save them.—Wont they!’…
Another great hook here!
The story is a harrowing experience; it pulls at the heart strings and never relents in its entirety.
The detail is vivid as Bobby and Lily try to cope with a seemingly hopeless situation that they’ve suffered for six years.
The bond between them is unbreakable, made stronger by their every-day torment of being slaves to a so called ‘mother and father’ who had actually stole them from their real mom, stabbing her in the process.
The scene as Bobby describes the story of Father Christmas and why he can’t visit them…he doesn’t know they’re there, the freezing cold in the attic room with a high, small window, heavily frosted.
To top it all, they have to be quiet at all times getting what nourishment they can from the scraps left over the night before by their unfeeling captors who haven’t an ounce of pity.
Throughout the book, I thought that their mother had been killed but you have once again put a twist to the story—a nice one at that. So I shall have to wait to find out the outcome, but for now they are in safe hands with their Grandfather.
A most thrilling read which deserves full stars and a place on my shelf!
I will buy this book when it’s published…that’s for sure!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Cara Gold wrote 344 days ago

{The Snow Lily} – R. M. A.

Richard, what a beautiful new book you have up! I started reading it today and first… absolutely love the prologue. You have some terrific descriptions here, rich and luscious, my favourite. ‘misting memories’… terrific! This is the sort of style I like. Also ‘the firelight refracts in the tear like a starburst’… I think our minds must be on the same wavelength, I have a description similar to this :) Yay for using the correct scientific term ‘refraction’ too :D

This is an engaging and tense prologue. I would buy it if I read that in a shop, and it’s already secured your six-star rating! Chapter one doesn’t disappoint. I’m truly enjoying. Congratulations again and I will be reading more when I have a little more time. I’ve made some nitpicks too for ya :D

Thanks so much for all your support of ‘Dawn of Destruction’!
Sincerely,
Cara

Sarah-Jane wrote 18 hours ago

Hi Richard,

The Snow Lily is an excellently structured and compelling read for which you are to be applauded.
The descriptive detail in Chapter one sets the reader up for an outstanding reading experience. The imagery and emotive writing makes it easy to visualize the scenes which are enhanced by your use of analogies.
I was totally captivated by the story and will be reading more over the coming days.
It remains on my WL and has received a highly starred rating.
Congratulations and good luck.

Sarah Jane
Glass Half Full

J Greene wrote 1 day ago

You have very strong writing skills. Your word choices are impeccable, making your descriptions strong. They make us feel for the characters. (Just watch out for run-on sentences:))

jol07006 wrote 9 days ago

First off, thank you for reading some of my book. It is always gratifying to hear that someone enjoyed what I've written.

I have just read the first chapter of your book and I found the story to be interesting. I can already tell that your plot will be a thrilling one. I have a few suggestions, however. The main thing I would suggest is simplicity. Stop trying to so hard. Tell a good story. Don't focus on using flowery language and poetic symbolism. It makes the story heavy and boring. No reader wants to have to wallow through all of that to get to the story. For example, your passage about the children's imagination lists about ten different ways that they use it. That's just too much. If I were to rewrite that passage it would sound something like this:

"There is one other thing our rooms hold in abundance, something very special that they cannot strip us of: our imagination.

Lily and I have crossed oceans on the backs of dolphins, traveled to the stars in the grip of eagles, and dined in the courts of kings and queens all within the confines of our little room. Our countless adventures are what keep us alive. Without them, we would be nothing more than shells."

Simplicity is the key.

The second thing I wanted to mention is about Lily. She's six years old. Make her talk and act like a six year old. Discarding the flowery language will help with that, too.

I know I'm very blunt but I promise I'm just trying to help. And your plot does sound very promising.

Hope this helps,
Margaret Lund
The Six Swans

mavis out wrote 11 days ago

Skipped through the first two chapters of this. Really nice effortless flow to the prose and you’ve created an enchanting atmosphere really well. Strong characterisation too. Easy to empathise with the narrator and Lily.

Laura Comfort wrote 13 days ago

Okay it reads as Chapter 27 Dec 15th morning (tab 35) but nothing comes up...I think this is where they get into the attic?

Laura Comfort wrote 13 days ago

WHAT! Nope sorry, I can't believe the book ends this way. I have spent hours pouring over the book and now I have to make up my own happy ending - there has to be some hope! I just want to cry :-(

Laura Comfort wrote 13 days ago

Is chapter 35 missing? I get an error when trying to load it.

Laura Comfort wrote 13 days ago

Did you really mean to have a gap of 9 months from waking at their grandfathers and the next chapter? Reading the events and what they have found out it seems only a few weeks; a month at most. Otherwise I can't help but wonder, what has Bobby been doing?

Laura Comfort wrote 14 days ago

Wow. Richard I'm completely taken by your story. I had to keep reading to get past the horrors; I just wanted them to stop! That said, I'm sure there is a reason you couldn't just gloss over the misery. I can't even put my finger on why I keep reading as it was so tragic but there was hope, so I held on! And I'm glad I did...I look forward to learning where the story goes from here.
Oh, and I have no helpful hints or tips...it's very good :-)

Laura Comfort wrote 16 days ago

I do find the thoughts of Bobby easier to believe as the chapters go on. I'm looking forward to where the story goes.

Laura

Laura Comfort wrote 16 days ago

Okay, so far I've read chapter one. It is engaging enough that I will read more but there are a few things I wish to comment on first. Right off the bat you say "Lily and me". Now I always get caught on this so I made sure to verify it. It should be Lily and I and you can check by saying 'Lily lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'Me lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'I lay huddled under our shared bed sheet'. There is another time where you did this as well.
You have lots of positive comments so I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard. I would give you some honest feedback though. I'm having trouble believing your character is sixteen as the voice seems much older. An example would be "But I don't and never shall." Maybe in earlier times kids would speak like this but I doubt they'd ever think like this. I like the imagery but the language sounds like a literary artist and not the thoughts of a young adult. Perhaps once I've read a bit more the reason this abandoned child would think so eloquently will become apparent.

Hope this is helpful.

Laura

Laura Comfort wrote 16 days ago

Okay, so far I've read chapter one. It is engaging enough that I will read more but there are a few things I wish to comment on first. Right off the bat you say "Lily and me". Now I always get caught on this so I made sure to verify it. It should be Lily and I and you can check by saying 'Lily lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'Me lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'I lay huddled under our shared bed sheet'. There is another time where you did this as well.
You have lots of positive comments so I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard. I would give you some honest feedback though. I'm having trouble believing your character is sixteen as the voice seems much older. An example would be "But I don't and never shall." Maybe in earlier times kids would speak like this but I doubt they'd ever think like this. I like the imagery but the language sounds like a literary artist and not the thoughts of a young adult. Perhaps once I've read a bit more the reason this abandoned child would think so eloquently will become apparent.

Hope this is helpful.

Laura

rachel_mary wrote 18 days ago

Hi Richard,

I've now read up to the end of Chapter 13 and thought I would stop to let you know how I was getting along.

I was going to start by mentioning some other works this story reminded me of before seeing that both of them have already been noted in a comment from earlier on today! These are the critically acclaimed Japanese anime film 'Grave of the Fireflies' about a teenage boy caring for his little sister during WWII, and the novel 'Flowers in the Attic' by Virgina Andrews (or V.C. Andrews in the U.S.) If you ignore the fact that the teenage narrator in this book develops an incestuous attachment to her older brother as a result of their confinement, then the rest of the story (the narrator and her brother also have younger siblings whom they are forced to become substitute parents for) is very reminiscent of 'The Snow Lily'. I found both works gripping, harrowing and beautiful - all things 'The Snow Lily' is at its best. The reason I mention these titles is because I thought they might make useful reference points for how to improve your own story.

Now for the further chapters I've read. I reiterate all of my positive points from my previous comment tenfold. The current ranking of the story is testament to its overall loveliness. However, this far down the line I have a few suggestions:

It strikes me that everything is pitched at the same level of hyperbole - it's all extremely frightening, or extremely horrific, or extremely beautiful, which leaves no room for the reader's emotions to journey anywhere. Of course Bobby and Lily's condition is awful, but perhaps there should be some indication of relative normality for the children. That way, moments of unusual pain or joy will be more powerful, and Bobby's mounting realisation that they need to escape when things become especially worrying will be more believable.

I have also noticed that Bobby's language seems occasionally to veer from formal to colloquial, or from Victorian to modern, within the space of a few sentences.

That said, these things should be easy to tinker with, and the heart of the story remains as compelling as ever. There's the potential for a very special tale in here and the #12 position is no surprise.

This remains firmly on my shelf and I intend to read the entire thing in the near future!

Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

RED BLUE GREEN wrote 18 days ago

I read the first five chapters:

It seems to me that the story is taking quite a while to get going ....or maybe it is just the strange layout of the Authonomy set up that makes it feel so?

I would prefer more use of locations and set ups. I don’t know which country we are in or whether we are in a city or a village. That might seem a minor point but it makes the confinement of the children more dangerous if they are in the middle of nowhere or a forest.

The lack of any location info results in your story being very claustrophobic. Whilst that is good considering your main characters it seems to short change the reader.

Occasionally you throw in modern phrases which seem odd considering the timing of your story.

I find the use of ‘sis’ to be out of place and phrases like... ‘not always a given.’

I am five chapters in and I am not too sure who the evil two are?

-----------

You have a powerful opening and use good imagery. You had me hooked.

By chapter three - I was beginning to ask which location are we in?

Robshaw? Stanley? I wonder if these two are the ones holding the children?

Chapter 5

You could start with this dream. It gives you more drama up front. Then you seem to repeat information we already have -- we know they are trapped and cold... I think we need to move on ....

Lily says, ‘That someone is I’ --- for my ears it should be ‘That someone is me.’

------------

II like the suspense and world you are setting up but I would want to open it up a little more.

I find the story has plenty of potential but is a little too static for me and the fact that up to chapter 5 we have no information about location, size of house or neighbourhood makes the story too slow, even though your set up is very strong.

I think you need to move it along quicker. Thackeray’s ‘Vanity Fair’ runs at a fair pace as does ‘Wuthering Heights’.

So, I want to see the ‘wicked two’ - see what they do with their days, how wicked are they towards others or is just the children they want to have power over?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your writing style. I feel it just needs tweaking to get the best out of your material. At times your sentences run for a few words more than they should.

Despite my comments I like where this story is heading.

I think a large publisher would put an editor on to you to help you make a few adjustments without losing anything from your story.

I will come back to read more.

-----------------------------------------

Angela Merlo wrote 18 days ago

So far I've read chapter one and part of chapter two. I'm tired, so I'm stopping here for now.

This reminded me a lot of the anime "Grave of the Fireflies" and the 1987 film "Flowers in the Attic." I know "Flowers in the Attic" was also a book, but I've only seen the movie so I only have that for comparison. I should also note that I did not like "Grave of the Fireflies" though it received rave reviews. I simply found the film too depressing.

In reading the first chapter and a half of "The Snow Lily", I found myself looking for something fresh and unique about it and I can't say that I've found that in the first chapter and a half. Reading this felt more like paragraph after paragraph of gawking at human suffering, like one would gawk at a car crash happening. I also didn't have a clear sense of the characters. I couldn't get a sense of their approximate age from their dialogue. The complexity of their usage of the language seemed inconsistent. The dialogue where their ages were revealed felt artificial. The impression of got of both children was mostly Doe-eyed innocence with a flair of anger on the narrator's behalf. I didn't get a sense of who they were beyond that. I also wasn't feeling a sense of plot direction. It felt more like "a day in the life of child abuse victims."

On a style note, I also didn't care for the use for the san serif typeface. Generally speaking, serif fonts have been preferred for long texts because it has been believed our eyes identify letter differences more quickly. I did search online and there does now seem that debate about it. But personally since I was taught that wisdom, I've observed that I do indeed read faster when the font has serifs. Just a thought.

Personally, I'd like to get a better sense of the characters write a way. Doing that can be a challenge. Reading up on the four temperments can help. Personally I've found that if I take someone I know and impose my impression of them into the writing, eventually they evolve and become someone unique. Then once I know them, I go back and edit if their character seems inconsistent.

That said, it seems you get many positive reviews and that your book is doing well on here, so it may just be my own bias against stories like this.

Anyway, Thanks for your critique of the first chapter of Devil's Lake. Thought I'd return the favor. :) Happy writing!

Babybaulch wrote 19 days ago

I've only read the first four chapters so far but it is really good. I hate the captors as much as Bobby and Lily and I cringed when I found out how they ate. I love the paragraph about thier imagination that even in such rough times they still have that.
There were no faults I could see. Its an amazig story and can't wait to read more

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Salley wrote 20 days ago

Richard,
After your kind words about my book, I was eager to take a look at yours. You write beautifully, and I have been captivated. My heart is breaking for Lily and Bobby. I can't wait to see where their story takes me. Congratulations on the book's high rank. It is well deserved. I have placed it on my bookshelf.

Sara Alley

Keri Kern wrote 20 days ago

Excellent, you drew me in immediately. Backed with pleasure.
T A Mehrtens

Keri Kern wrote 20 days ago

Excellent. Drew me in immediately. Backed with pleasure.
T A Mehrtens

Newton wrote 20 days ago

There's not much I can add to what's already been said about this wonderful book. I will read to the end but I wanted to say how engaging it is. Top marks from me and a place on my shelf.

Good luck with this, Richard.

Sam :)

ShardsofSkies wrote 22 days ago

First off, congratulation on the success of your novel!

I love the short pitch. Its beautifully written and serves as a great hook. The same can be said about the long pitch. Teach me how to write pitches this successfully please.

I love the interaction between the brother and sister about stars in the bottle. Its a lovely place to start and shows the reader the closeness of the two siblings. Nothing is told but can tell by the way Bobby talks how much he cares for Lily.

Grammatical error "...Lily and I-- must sweep, clean, tidy..."

I know the sentence sounds more complete with the three verbs but I feel like using the verbs clean and tidy is a little redundant. They mean the same thing don't they? Maybe choose a different verb, vacuumed? dusted?

The repetition of the phrase "we will be punished" is a nice touch. It drives the point home. I have one complaint. I would have liked to see a flashback moment where Bobby or Lily is being punished. Maybe one is watching the other. This could be very poignant scene and it would evoke a lot more emotions from your reader as opposed to Bobby reiterating the fact that he would be punished.

"Vaporous children in a vaporous world"- Lovely statement.

You've chosen quite a young age for Lily. Will she be able to truly comprehend what is going on at that age? Wouldn't she just throw a tantrum and cry like other kids do? You could show her learning her lesson the hard way when she cries or throws a tantrum.

I loove the way you write and your descriptions are flawless. They create a beautifully vivid scene that makes the reader feel like they're there will Lily and Bobby. I will continue reading but for now, I have backed this book.

Anoosha
The Keepers

rachel_mary wrote 23 days ago

After reading the first chapter of 'The Snow Lily' last night, I found myself thinking about Bobby and Lily as I went about my day today, which I think is the first sign of an effective story. The central image of two pale, fragile children, wasting away in a dingy attic but sustained by love for one another genuinely haunted me, and I have now read a further four chapters.

The relationship between Bobby and Lily is why this story works. It is deeply moving to see how dependant they are on one another both physically and emotionally. However, the reader is never allowed to forget the fragility of their lives or the decrepit nature of their circumstances, and so her hope, his determination and their bond are like points of light in the darkness you have painted.

This would be a moving set-up even in more minimal prose, but it is made richer by the descriptions you use, which have an archaic beauty. The sudden colour and variety of the writing in the paragraph about how the children escape into their imaginations in the first chapter creates a contrast between this world of wonders and their dank reality.

So far my favourite chapter is number 4, as the conversation about Father Christmas perfectly encapsulates the children's plight and the dynamics of their relationship. I would say Chapter 2 was probably the weakest, seeing as the description of the children's grim routine was unbroken and slightly monotonous - perhaps it could be livened up by some dialogue between the two, or something out of the ordinary happening, like an accident. The 'Interlude' was a nice break from the relentless emotion of Bobby and Lily's scenes and helped deepen the sense of mystery in which the story sits.

Some description that really caught my imagination was that of Bobby being separated from his childhood by a veil which might one day be lifted. This was not only a nice metaphor for the mysterious nature of Bobby's past, but also worked as a way of suggesting his premature loss of innocence. I also really liked the idea of Lily being "a ghost in preparation."

Overall, I am totally engrossed and will be reading the rest for sure!

My2Cents wrote 23 days ago

This is so well written that I cannot do it justice by commenting; I'll simply put it on my bookshelf. Well done!
Ken Spears

MichaelTayloruk wrote 24 days ago

I've started reading the start of The Snow Lily. First of all let me say that your descriptions are incredible. In a very short space of time I feel like I'm in that attic with them. I feel like i'm on the stairs. I can picture what Lily looks like and the type of expression on Bobby's face. This really is good writing. Some of the comments so far have referred to the lack of action during Bobby's descriptive monologue. But I think that's what adds to the intensity. I also agree that there is a likeness to Dickens in your work. Your writing exudes dedication and a yearning to tell a great story. It has quality, every phrase is chosen and not included cheaply to fill space. This is a great start, I will be reading on!

Tottie Limejuice wrote 31 days ago

A very intriguing premise for a story. My initial thought was a sort of Victorian "Flowers in the Attic". Well written, with minimal errors. I've just read the first chapter for now but have it on my watchlist and will come back to dip in further as and when time allows.

Good luck with it.

Tottie Limejuice
Sell the Pig

DMHeadley wrote 32 days ago

Such a sad and moving story. very descriptive making you want to find out more.

best wishes
Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

Carol Repton wrote 33 days ago

Firstly, I have to say I don't normally read this kind of book. I have just read the first three chapters and interlude. It improves as it goes along, but it's all a bit too harrowing for me! I need a break from Bobby's incessantly bleak interior monologue. Could you perhaps break up the interior monologue a bit more with action scenes? Also, I think you are trying to create suspense by not revealing the captors until later, but this may be dragging it out unnecessarily for the reader?
In chapter 1, I was interested to read that the children manage to escape from their grim situation by using their imaginations. But instead of having Bobby state this in his thoughts, perhaps you could illustrate it more dramatically in a scene using dialogue and/or action.
The dialogue is quite Dickensian in chapter 3. But there are a few details from earlier on which don't seem authentically 19th century. eg did children call their mothers "mummy" then, or "mama"?
A few grammar/punctuation points/typos :-
chapter 1 - insert "been" - "As I have been from the start, Lily has now been cast aside."
delete comma after "light" in "... meagre light and malnutrition."
maybe change "aligned to her way of life" to "accustomed to..."?
delete comma after "But" in "But I don't, and I never shall..."
chapter 2 - typo - missing word - "It is as though the vile ones..."
insert question mark "Are you okay, sis?" (Also, did they use the word 'okay' in those days? I thought it was invented in the 20th century?)
"Bottles lie haphazardly" (not "lay")
delete this phrase - "We are children of the stale and musty" - it doesn't fit grammatically into the sentence.
I was puzzled by the interlude, as I didn't know who these two characters, Mr Stanley and Mr Robshaw were. The dialogue was good though.
In chapter 3 - "Lily blurts out" (instead of "blurts in")
Break up this sentence - "It doesn't matter how much there is to do. They always get everything done."
At the end of this chapter, Lily's behaviour seems unrealistic. If she has been beaten, starved, held captive and treated like a slave, you wouldn't expect her to pout and act like a spoilt child just because Father Christmas isn't coming - even though her brother has been protective towards her. You'd expect her to be more humble and cowed. But it is realistic and moving when she starts crying and her brother comforts her.
The line "Nobody knows we're here" said by Bobby is very poignant.






Rana1 wrote 33 days ago

Hey Richard,

I like the sadness that comes off from this. Lily's innocence and Bobby's determination pulls at your heart. But there is a bit of telling in the first chapter. I'd have liked to read an episode of their fake parents' sadism rather than have Bobby think about it or recall the reasons they punish them for. After all, it IS the first chapter and you'd want action. But a good start, nonetheless.

Chapter 2 has an interesting start. We see something tangible here - Lily's bruises and atrophy. Something we can relate to - for whether we've been exposed to abuse or not, we all know of bruises and bluish veins. This gives a good sense of the abuse that is meted out to them. But after that, we get to read a list of their daily routine - and that too in a somewhat clinical voice. We've reached the end of chapter two and have got to read only one horror about the children's captors - the two day lock-up in the little room with all the urine and stuff. We've not been introduced properly to these captors - not even their names or evil characteristics. Of course, Bobby talks about his step-mom while thinking of his mom and you get a vague idea then. But maybe you could show the captors a bit more clearly in this incident? Right now, I feel terribly hateful about the captors but I don't have two characters to direct this hate to.

I kind of skimmed through the interlude because it didn't seem to have much bearing on the children or their captors - which is all the characters we've come to care for till now.

Chapter 3 is heart-breaking. Bobby's realization of just how weak his sister has become and his remark about her always downcast eyes and unhappily slumped posture is peculiarly heart-rending. I'd want to hug such a little girl tightly and assure her that she's gonna be fine. But, still, no action. : /

I've noticed that Bobby's voice is most passionate when he talks about his beloved little sister. That, for me, is the heart of this story.

Please forgive me if I sound rude or just very callous. It is not my intention at all. I wrote only what I feel would genuinely work better for me. Otherwise, I can see why this is doing so well.

Keep writing and best of luck. :)
Rated four stars.

Rana1 wrote 33 days ago

Hey Richard,

I like the sadness that comes off from this. Lily's innocence and Bobby's determination pulls at your heart. But there is a bit of telling in the first chapter. I'd have liked to read an episode of their fake parents' sadism rather than have Bobby think about it or recall the reasons they punish them for. After all, it IS the first chapter and you'd want action. But a good start, nonetheless.

Chapter 2 has an interesting start. We see something tangible here - Lily's bruises and atrophy. Something we can relate to - for whether we've been exposed to abuse or not, we all know of bruises and bluish veins. This gives a good sense of the abuse that is meted out to them. But after that, we get to read a list of their daily routine - and that too in a somewhat clinical voice. We've reached the end of chapter two and have got to read only one horror about the children's captors - the two day lock-up in the little room with all the urine and stuff. We've not been introduced properly to these captors - not even their names or evil characteristics. Of course, Bobby talks about his step-mom while thinking of his mom and you get a vague idea then. But maybe you could show the captors a bit more clearly in this incident? Right now, I feel terribly hateful about the captors but I don't have two characters to direct this hate to.

I kind of skimmed through the interlude because it didn't seem to have much bearing on the children or their captors - which is all the characters we've come to care for till now.

Chapter 3 is heart-breaking. Bobby's realization of just how weak his sister has become and his remark about her always downcast eyes and unhappily slumped posture is peculiarly heart-rending. I'd want to hug such a little girl tightly and assure her that she's gonna be fine. But, still, no action. : /

I've noticed that Bobby's voice is most passionate when he talks about his beloved little sister. That, for me, is the heart of this story.

Please forgive me if I sound rude or just very callous. It is not my intention at all. I wrote only what I feel would genuinely work better for me. Otherwise, I can see why this is doing so well.

Keep writing and best of luck. :)
Rated four stars.

Juliana S. wrote 34 days ago

Just read through chapter 18 and continue to enjoy your book. A real page turner. Way to go. :)

Edward Gardner wrote 36 days ago

Nice first chapter. You do a great job easing us into the horrific life of these children, concentrating on a few provocative details, like the idea of catching starlight, the regularity of punishment, the role of the encyclopedia and imagination, and the short, believable dialogue at the end. Your language flows smoothly and effectively and I found it very easy to read. By now I'm already feeling depressed...

Chapter two is darker yet. Without any relief in the imagination you again draw our attention to a few details - the animal conditions the children are kept in, their bruised and damaged bodies, their daily routine of cleaning. I again found the language accessible, but there was one line I found awkward: "I know that if I do the fiends will know-it would have, consequences!" Maybe the main confusion I have with this line is the use of the comma in the last part. Anyway, this was only a minor hiccup in my reading - the rest flowed just as smoothly and effectively as the first chapter.

Your brief interlude at 3 leaves me curious. I am assuming this has something to do with the children and that they were kidnapped.

Chapter 3 is heartbreaking because the imagination the children use to survive their captivity only serves to highlight their hopeless predicament - even a magical being like Father Christmas doesn't know where they are!

I felt tense and anxious reading Chapter 4, beginning with that heartbreaking scene of their violent theft from their mother - and the horrible sight of their mother's blood. Then there is Bobby's offer to let Lilly sleep a few extra minutes while he washes - a caring act but essentially impotent to substantially help her. With the health of both children failing, there is this uncertain event at the front door that only adds to the anxiety of this chapter. Although the chapter reads as well as the ones before it, I noticed a few typos - like near the start with your use of 'upmost delicacy' in place of 'utmost delicacy'. There is real and a respite of welcomed beauty in your paragraph about the ferns of ice crystals gathering at the window, as well as the later paragraph in which the window shines like golden stained glass in the sun. There is also a typo in that first paragraph, though, where you use "I" rather than "me" as the object of the preposition in "I feel it is slowly, steadily, creeping towards Lily and I." I think I saw another typo in that chapter but I can't spot it now.

This is a well-written story and I mean to return to it soon. Best of luck.
Edward

NLG-86 wrote 37 days ago

I’ve only read a few chapters so far but I think it is a really well written piece and I’ll be back to read more.

The short pitch and the first paragraph of the long pitch particularly drew me in.

I like the emotionally driven aspect of the story and I think the characters have been developed well; Lily, young and innocent and Bobby, more complicated, caring for his sister but hiding what happened to their mother.

Nice balance of dialogue and description. There are some phrases which I really liked: “...the ocean of crystal tears.”

Best of luck.

Aubrey Stonefallow wrote 37 days ago

I read the first six chapters on The Snow Lily, and I really love it so far. It's so sad so far! I have only read to the point where Bobby has found the key and is trying to escape under the nose of his sister and his captors. It is so sad! I am nervous to keep reading because I care for Lily so much. I don't want her to die!
The characters are intriguing, and I really like the idea of the main character having a physical handicap, as it causes a very interesting contrast between the two characters. The choice to make Lily act mature for a sixteen connected with Bobby's limitations is really sad and cute at the same time.
The opening chapters are really good. The voice of your characters are well-portrayed in your writing, and the descriptions are very good. I held my breath every time Bobby had to go down the stairs. The stylistic choice to make the captors more of unnamed threats rather than actual characters is interesting and very child-like (in a good way). I am determined to keep reading. I am crossing my fingers for a happy ending.

carol jefferies wrote 39 days ago

Hi RMA,

I really enjoyed reading the first four chapters of your book 'The Snow Lily.'

I was hooked straight away at wanting know know what had happened to Bobby, and his sister Lily's mother. And why they were being held captive. Also what had happened to Bobby's leg.

I especially liked the attention to detail like the way your described Lily moved.

The dialogue between the siblings comes across as natural.

This promises to be an intriguing read.

High stars.

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)
(From a Prince to a Pauper)

Book Pike wrote 39 days ago

Dear RMA
Just read the 1st 2 chapters of your book. Captivated already by the two children and your opening paragraph is beautiful and kicks you off with a wonderful clear image. I can see this being published at some point, I hope so, if luck goes your way. It's so tough right now in a recession.

I have one or two niggles mainly with the language where you make a few little slips out of Edwardian period into 21st century.
I think it unlikely that children would use 'mummy' much more likely to use 'mother' or 'mama'. I've read a lot of books from that Edwardian period the language is very different from both today but also the Victorian era. It's a tricky period to get right because the language was modernising but still retains Victorian speak.
You may have already read these but I would HIGHLY recommend the following books to get that flavour fine tuned. First, without question A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (girl refers to her Papa, on first page) ; The Good Soldier by Ford Maddox Ford (no children in sight but wonderful narrative voice and fantastic and famous opening line 'this is the saddest story I have ever heard.' ; The Go-Between by L.P.Hartley with probably an even more famous opening line in its prologue 'The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.' Probably the most stunningly beautiful prologue ever written. I know all the 'literary inteligensia' now counsel NO PROLOGUE but you would get away with it.

The last is a beautiful book actually written in 1953 but of course LPHartley was well in touch with relatives etc from Edwardian period. His protagonist is a boy watching very adult goings on and is marked by them.

'mummy' wasn't the only slip. Phrases like 'let's get going' and 'not too bad' feel very now not then.
They are tiny slip ups that pull you out of the Edwardian period. I think it's a beautiful book and I want to read on. I also get a clear sense of the characters of the two children and you do that very elegantly without labouring over it.
Given you a high score and I wish you lots of luck. Hope none of this causes offense.
Best
Book Pike

PS. If that were my opening chapter. I'd go for an evocative elegiac prologue not too long which would enable you to make your first chapter more show than tell. I would go into detail about their chores etc really make people feel the physical strain rather than telling us.

Annabel Watkinson wrote 41 days ago

This is so beautifully written. I have just read five chapters and will definitely read on.

It is a bleak story, and at times, almost difficult to read in its bleakness. The story behind Bobby's lame leg was horrifying, yet told in such stark simple language. And then it was heart wrenching to read about Lily questions about Santa Claus. The use of first person is so effective in taking the reader into that small attic room. And yet, despite the misery, I feel - hope? - that there is some sort of happier future in store for them. Your pitch doesn't give it away - you say a lily will try to bloom - but I hope there's some good coming for Bobby and Lily. (I think you're suggesting things will get better for them in your bio!)

Anyway. Thanks for a great read. Six stars from me,

Annabel.

Katefin wrote 42 days ago

This is so powerful and heart wrenching. The love between the two siblings is beautifully portrayed, and the only glimmer of hope in what is an intolerable and inhuman situation. It is almost impossible to read what is happening to the two children, but your narrator pulls me in so well, so that I am engaged with his emotions and sense of injustice. It could have been sentimental or mawkish, this story, but your beautiful writing avoids these pitfalls I have read the first two chapters, and will return to read more! I do hope it cheers up though!

Alena J. wrote 45 days ago

Richard, you have an amazing, incredibly painful story here. Very hard to put down. Your imagery is chillingly beautiful and, in places, haunting. The MC seems mature beyond his years, but his voice is very compelling, very poetic, and very real.
There were various instances of missing punctuation or misused grammar, but nothing overly noticeable or detracting.
Just a few lines I absolutely loved and had to read a few times. . . "Our worlds are unique, surreal, and unmistakably our own. . . Without them we are just the husks of children long since past. I will never allow these dreams and thoughts to run dry. I will never allow our grey lives to wither away, vaporous children in a vaporous world." Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once.
I've read the first eleven chapters and am hoping to be back for more soon.
Wishing you all the best with this work,
Alena

Darla Ferrara wrote 46 days ago

Hi, I just realized today that I owe you a read, so I’m catching up. Overall, I thought this was very good. Well written, you do a nice job staying within the period of the piece. I read about four chapters.

Grammar, flavor, characters and all that jazz work together nicely. I think the story itself, the plot, is well done too. I have just one problem. I would love to see a more complex introduction such as a flashback of some kind. Something so it’s not immediately this harsh, sad tale of woe – one of the kids as an adult sharing the story with someone maybe. An opening that makes it theatrical, not just dramatic, will carry the story forward more productively.

For example, Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt starts out with a little intro that goes into “When I look back on my childhood I wonder how I survived.”

Sleepers by Lorenzo Carcaterra begins with “I sat across the table from the man who had battered and tortured and brutalized me nearly thirty years ago.”

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks “Who am I? And how, I wonder, will this story end? The sun has come up and I am sitting by a window that is foggy with the breath of a life gone by.”

You get the idea. Something that introduces the story instead of just boom, here is a plate full of tragedy for you. It lacks guiding narration is what I’m saying I suppose. It is hard to put into words. The bits and pieces fit together well though, so congrats on that. I think this is a fine start to what is clearly an expressive story.

Good luck with it.

Darla – Rubber Ball - 49 Cents

Erin Foster wrote 47 days ago

The Snow Lily by R.M.A.
I’ve just read 24 chapters of this harrowing story. You have a wonderfully descriptive style of writing which immediately transports the reader to the cold, bleak garret room where a lot of the story takes place. The narrator is 16-year-old Bobby and I felt his empty despair at the predicament he and his young sister, Lily, have been placed in. You share his love for the little girl, his anguish as he helplessly watches her failing health, his terror of the evil ‘step-parents’ who are holding them captive and admire his resolve that he will find a way out for them.
I will return to finish the book as I must discover the mystery of what happened to their mother.

High stars and high on my list to be backed.

Erin
Dirty Liar

Margaretkaj wrote 48 days ago

Hi Richard. I just told you in a message that I'd review your book soon, but now that I look at it, I see that I've already reviewed it some weeks ago. Good luck!

Juliana S. wrote 50 days ago

Hi, Ray - I've checked back to continue reading your awesome book. I read through chapter 16 and was on the edge of my seat. It's very intense and I struggled along with Bobby as he made his way, so painfully, down the stairs hoping "the devils" woudn't hear him. Very intense. You certainly bring the reader along with you. I liked the comparison of" Mummy's tears that wet our window," and "Mummy's smile that brings light." Very nice. I will continue to read this great story. Juliana

Debra H wrote 51 days ago

Thank you for reading chapters from Turnaround Bay, and for your comments.

I delved into Snow Lily after reading the short and long summary and wished that you'd left the prologue in place at the beginning. It helps establish the circumstances of the children, lets the reader know that the mother Bobby talks about seeing in the future is quite probably dead, and it sets up what comes in chapter one.

I enjoyed your scenes--places where Lily and Bobby are interacting. I'm wondering if you can do more showing, rather than telling e.g. have Bobby and Lily looking through the encyclopedia rather than Bobby telling the reader how important it is to them.

First person narratives are always tricky, but can let the reader into the head of the main character. You do a good job of this. The story is being told from Bobby's point of view and that doesn't waiver. I also like that you manage to write in first person without beginning every second sentence with "I". Nice narration.
In chapter three, Mr. Stanley and Mr. Robshaw are introduced. This scene is intriguing. It introduces two characters who must play a role in the story, but leaves a hook--the reader doesn't know who they are. Great!

The setting is well described. Bobby and Lily are captives in a house they must clean. It feels restrictive--almost claustrophobic. I wondered about the use of the word porthole for the window in Bobby and Lily's room. It made me think of boats?

The two characters, Bobby and Lily, are quite different in age--sixteen and six. Who is the intended audience for the story? I suspect that many teenage boys might squirm at the tenderness Bobby expresses for Lily. The Snow Lily comes across as an adult read to me.

The dialogue is engaging. I love dialogue. Perhaps, with only two characters, you do not need to use attributions as often as you do since it's pretty clear who's talking. Also, both Lily and Bobby use names when talking to each other. This comes across as a little artificial. The pace would pick up without it.

There is quite a lot of internal dialogue, Bobby thinking. This tells readers about the situation Lily and Bobby are in. I've heard publishers prefer to hold off on backstory until the characters and action are well established and dish out on a need to know basis. In chapter one, you have an interaction between Lily and Bobby, then have Bobby doing a lot of thinking while Lily sleeps.You might want to consider saving those thoughts and inserting them later--or not.

The plot is suggested in the short and long summaries. There is a lot of despair here. There are a few moments of pleasure to provide a contrast to the misery that seems so prevalent in the first four chapters? Lily wondering if they could bottle the light from the stars to carry around with them is touching. Wonderful image early on in the text. Also, Bobby telling Lily about Father Christmas.

Climbing down the stairs to do the housework was paced a bit slow for me. I understand that waking the demon and demoness is to be avoided at all costs, but I want to know why would someone beat and starve their slaves/servant, especially two children when it only makes them unproductive? Obviously more is going on here. I want to know why the characters who have kidnapped Bobby and Lily, and kept them for six years, are so totally evil. As villains they're a bit over the top. I guess I need to read on.

This story, historical fiction, is written in the style of the period, e.g. Charles Dickens. Many of today's writers of historical fiction have a slightly different approach when creating historical fiction. Bryce Courtenay writes some fantastic novels about England, Australia and South Africa that are very gripping, filled with action and intriguing characters. The Snow Lily is an interesting work so far..

I will read on.

Debra H
Turnaround Bay

Roo Parkin wrote 53 days ago

Hi there,

I've just read the first two chapters of The Snow Lily. Honey, it was emotional! I'm not the world's biggest fan of things written from the mc's POV, but you bring such a convincing intensity to the work that, in this case, it didn't distract me. In fact, i think you have chosen entirely the right tack - at least for this part of the story (not sure if continues in this vein).

I was almost self-harming by the time I came to: 'Without them the husks of children long since passed' - this is a brilliant and disturbing description. The story flows well, the pace is decent and I don't think you need any advice on how to make readers feel for your characters! I would go so far as to say there is a Hardy-esque flavour to what I have read so far.

Good luck with this, and I'm so sorry it took me ages to write up the review.

Roo


CJBowness wrote 53 days ago

This is almost too painful to read. I do hope it turns out well in the end as I can't bear to think of these two sad, loving children not reaching some pleasanter place.
Your style is well suited to the tone of the book, but there are one or two grammatical errors such as "for Lily and I" which should read "for Lily and me."
I have starred it and put it on my watchlist to look at again.
C J Bowness
The Accidental Adventurers

hockgtjoa wrote 57 days ago

This is about children, evil and cruelty. The hope and love mentioned in the tags seem nowhere to be seen. This writing is spare and powerful; there is some awkwardness with the case of nouns and pronouns--using it instead of she [her?], finding escape for Lily and I [me?] but it is otherwise very strong. I am amazed that such a tone of bleakness can be sustained over all these chapters. All good wishes with this book.

amor87 wrote 57 days ago

THE SNOW LILY

I have read your first two chapters posted on authonomy. We are introduced to Bobby and Lily, two orphaned children under the care of two guardians who make them work basically as slaves doing chore work and “discipling” them when the guardians see fit.

The moments that stuck out to me were how the two clung to their Encyclopedia, using that to fuel their imagination and take them away from their little room with just a window for light. I thought this was creative and also realistic given the situation you have painted for the reader. I could see a lot of fun coming of that Encyclopedia. Your interactions/dialogue between Lily and Bobby reflected the “big brother” trying to protect his little sister. I thought the dialogue(especially Lily’s) sounded child-like, which was great.

A few things that stuck out to me: There were a few times when I found that your description was a perhaps a little too much for me. This could just be personal taste though. The line “Her eccentric leg placement and continual finger to her mouth in hush position...” would be one example. I’m having a hard time seeing exactly what you mean by an “eccentric” leg placement and I think the wording could be a little tighter when talking about the “hush position.” Once again, this could just be me though. Also, I read on from chapter 1 because I wanted to see why a sixteen year old boy hadn’t tried to escape yet.

Have you thought about possibly mentioning a problem with his leg in the first chapter? I teach 16 year-old-boys, and they are very determined young men. I am wondering why he isn’t plotting an escape, even though he has problems with his leg. Perhaps this will be coming later ... and perhaps he is thinking about this already.

All in all, I found this an intriguing read. Good luck with it!

Best,

Ashley
“The Mer Chronicles”

D. Anastasia Paul wrote 58 days ago

This is great. It's a very surreal reality for these two. I love the relationship between the brother and sister, and the descriptions given. I found myself picturing all their cleaning actions in grey, like I was watching a black a white movie. I also liked how the narrator referred to his 'parents' as 'them' and I look forward to meeting mom&dad/ them.

I think it would've helped me picture the scene better if I had known the boy was sixteen earlier in the first chapter, and I think Lilly might say "Bobby" a little too often. Those are my only comments though! Great story, I look forward to reading more.

tim templer wrote 58 days ago

Your narrative is very good. I enjoyed reading the first three chapters and i will come back to read on. Thanks for sharing.

Tim Templer
(The Journey)

Angelika Rust wrote 58 days ago

Richard, I managed yesterday to read all the chapters you've uploaded so far. The story is extremely compelling. I can't help wondering why the children had to go through all that and what will happen next, and I dearly wish you had posted the entire book. The entire day today I found myself envisioning some of the scenes and shuddering.
One thing I found illogical: the two of them are forced to do all the chores, then disappear out of sight. Why then would their so-called stepparents go and take down their plates and chamberpot? The children might as well do that themselves first thing in the morning, making the journey down all the more difficult, if not next to impossible, with their additional burden.
Apart from that minor remark I have nothing to add or criticize. It's brilliant, it flows, it's alive, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
High starred and on the shelf.
Angelika

my, my! I only now realized you've added four more chapters today! thanks a million! I know what I'm doing tonight!