Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 30241
date submitted 29.05.2012
date updated 21.02.2014
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
incomplete

The Snow Lily

Richard Ankers

A journey from the depths of despair, to hopes dashed. Bobby and Lily have only winter in their lives.

 

Winter 1892.
A terrible act of violence is about to forever alter the fates of a young boy and his infant sister. An act so vile, the ripples from it will cascade through the rest of their lives.

Six years later.
Bobby and his sister, Lily are held captive by the fiends who perpetrated the unquestionably awful act upon their mother, their dear Mummy.
Living, just barely, the children are treated like animals, abused both mentally and physically. The question is why?
As the tale unfolds, Bobby begins to realise that he and Lily are pawns in a greater game. Their escape from captivity is a happiness short lived as one thing after another proves to be less than they hoped. The freedom once longed for becomes more of a burden with each passing day.
Whilst Bobby grows into a deeper malaise, spawned of pain and the hope of seeing his Mummy alive, his sister's erratic behaviour becomes all the more troubling.
When the end game comes, will the two children, who've only ever had each other, summon the joint strength to survive?
From the harshest of winters, a lily will try to bloom.

 
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tags

, children, cruelty, evil, family, hope, love, winter

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432 comments

 

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Jack Waters wrote 263 days ago

Hi Richard, just finished your novel and like all good writing, I could not put it down. You don't need me to critique this. You have put so much work into shaping your characters into beautiful creations. The emotions I felt were unlike anything I have ever felt when reading a book. I was lost in it, and grateful for the oportunity to be a part (if a little late.) of your Authonomy life, because I am sure they will pick this up and you will evolve and grow into a fine published author.

Regards
Jack Waters
Reuben Falls, Dark Legacy.

Norma Posy wrote 276 days ago

Richard:

I must say that this is a well-conceived, and well-written tale. By the end of the first chapter, I cared. This is to the credit of your writing. Too often, what might otherwise be at least an interesting story flops because the reader finds that he does not really care what happens next. Emphatically not true in this case.

It's all in the writing. (Or sometimes, not.)

I attend a weekly writers group, and so, my manuscript for "Side Pocket" is constantly revised, six pages per week. As a consequence, I've found trouble turning my "editor's eye" off when reading a novel.

But in this case, I lost myself in your story. Well done!

- - Norma

Hulu Mayya wrote 291 days ago

Hi Richard,
Congratulations on your current position. I've just read your first ten chapters and found your text to be absorbing. It's tightly written, feels as though hardly a word is out of place and your plotting is very good. I think what makes the writing so taut is that you describe each moment with great clarity but also manage to give just enough information that the reader wants more. You manage to maintain this tension throughout which is a great skill.
Another thing I find interesting is that the innocence of the childs viewpoint makes the terrible subject matter bearable. Normally I would find it difficult if not impossible to read about such suffering. Perhaps the child's view is less judgemental than an adult or again maybe your giving enough information to describe the suffering without graphic detail. The whole effect is subtle, claustrophobic and the children are helpless, yet heroic.
I really like the descriptions of snow and i think the use of the encyclopaedia which gave them access to fantastic worlds of imagination was an inspired addition. It contrasted their entrapped situation and gave it a different dimension which you couldn't have done by focusing entirely on them.
Incidently i enjoyed the haunted feel to the poem on your website, the sense of something beyond your reach and the forces that affect us - puts me in mind of Lana Del Ray's dark 'Born to Die'. Fortunately we also have beautiful mountains and wide open spaces!
Best of Luck
Hulu Mayya
The Shade of the Warlord

andersensapphire wrote 327 days ago

Wonderful emotion! I was not left wanting for it in the first three chapters I read so, great, great job there. I love the sibling camaraderie. I have developed a similiar relationship to my brother, and I feel it makes for a very powerful storyline. I love the age gap between them because it pushes them almost into a child-parent relationship which enhances and deepens their bond. You did a splendid job of capturing the depth of the situation.

Some of your paragraphs were so well constructed, emotionally accurate, and rich that I had to re-read to enjoy every aspect of the sentiment that was being portrayed. You write with wonderful layering!

I feel for Lily and for Bobby - denied the one thing children really want, their parents. It is a subject that hits home, and your methods of storytelling are genuine. I felt a connection to your story right from the beginning. I sincerely hope that you achieve your goal of publication. This story deserves great recognition.

Best of luck to you,

Caitlin

lauraemmons wrote 435 days ago

I've just read the first four chapters of The Snow Lily. The story is compelling. You convey the horror of the children's circumstances well. The scene where they descend the stairs had me holding my breath. I cringed at their bathing routine. I felt the pain when you said they stood next to the boarded up fireplace to try and catch a whiff of outside air. Technically flawless, I can see why this novel has done so well on the site.

I have no suggestions for improvements. The story idea is fresh and the telling is thrilling. I'll be back to read more.

Best of luck with it's publication.

Laura Emmons
Seeing Magic
Healing Hands

Neville wrote 182 days ago

The Snow Lily.
By R.M.A.

I read your first book 'Sea Spray and Stars' it was wonderful.
Now I come to another spectacular book!

Such a wonderful prologue as you open up this story. It could not fail to keep the reader from wanting to read on.
So I read the twenty five chapters straight through—I couldn’t put the book down!
It’s almost as if this is non- fiction to be honest…It’s so well written that I got a sense of the authors involvement as a M/C.
The pre-face sets the feeling of despair for the reader…’At some point, the winter wind stops howling and the Christmas blizzards abate, someone will feel the children’s pain and save them.—Wont they!’…
Another great hook here!
The story is a harrowing experience; it pulls at the heart strings and never relents in its entirety.
The detail is vivid as Bobby and Lily try to cope with a seemingly hopeless situation that they’ve suffered for six years.
The bond between them is unbreakable, made stronger by their every-day torment of being slaves to a so called ‘mother and father’ who had actually stole them from their real mom, stabbing her in the process.
The scene as Bobby describes the story of Father Christmas and why he can’t visit them…he doesn’t know they’re there, the freezing cold in the attic room with a high, small window, heavily frosted.
To top it all, they have to be quiet at all times getting what nourishment they can from the scraps left over the night before by their unfeeling captors who haven’t an ounce of pity.
Throughout the book, I thought that their mother had been killed but you have once again put a twist to the story—a nice one at that. So I shall have to wait to find out the outcome, but for now they are in safe hands with their Grandfather.
A most thrilling read which deserves full stars and a place on my shelf!
I will buy this book when it’s published…that’s for sure!

Best regards,

Neville.

One Off, Sir!
The Secrets of the Forest (Series)-Cosmos 501.
The Secrets of the Forest (Series)-The Time Zone.

yolie rae wrote 231 days ago

Hello Richard, your story is very touching. The relationship between the siblings is endearing and very heartfelt. The abrupt change in scenery in Chapter 3 confused me a little. I am on to Chapter 5

J West Hardin wrote 253 days ago

I'm not going to displace the genuine like I have for your style with critique. Petulant, imaginative prose, well edited and phrased. I read only the first few chapters and already appreciate the lyrical quality of your sentence structure. Well done...J West Hardin... I uploaded my most recent work 13 Angels overnight. A dystopian thriller I put a literary spin on age old questions.

Julie Stock wrote 260 days ago

Hi Richard,
I'm sorry it has taken me a while to start reading your book but I have now read the first five chapters. What a fantastic story! I was hooked from the start and intrigued by how Bobby and Lily found themselves in this terrible situation and more to the point, how on earth they're going to get out of it. You do build hope that they will get away and I will keep reading to find out. It is heart-breaking and difficult to read at times but I want to know what happens. So congratulations on being accepted for review. I wish you all the best of luck.

Rachael Horsma wrote 260 days ago

Hi Richard,
I am currently reading The Snow Lily, I haven't made it all the way through yet. I was amazed at the difference between your first scene in the first chapter and the second scene. For me the opening was very choppy, but the second scene completely smooth and free flowing. The way your MC talks, really makes me wonder as a reader how old he is? Its fun for the reader to wonder, mental floss so to speak.

I was just curious what number draft was this?

Curious,
Rachael Horsma
Soul Seed

Rachael Horsma wrote 260 days ago

Hi Richard,
I am currently reading The Snow Lily, I haven't made it all the way through yet. I was amazed at the difference between your first scene in the first chapter and the second scene. For me the opening was very choppy, but the second scene completely smooth and free flowing. The way your MC talks, really makes me wonder as a reader how old he is? Its fun for the reader to wonder, mental floss so to speak.

I was just curious what number draft was this?

Curious,
Rachael Horsma
Soul Seed

MSio wrote 261 days ago

Congratulations, I hope you get published. You are an awesome writer.

Angietee wrote 261 days ago

Congratulations.

Daniel Escurel Occeno wrote 261 days ago

Congratulations! I do not know what it really entails but good luck. – Daniel Escurel Occeno

Ketzzy wrote 261 days ago

Hi Richard, I just wanted to tell you I am so excited for your book. Your way of writing is so poetic and it flows so naturally, that the only thing a reader can do is get enveloped by your story until they have finished it completely. I'm sure that when it is chosen, you will be just as successful with them as you were on here. Again I only wish you the best, and I just couldn't help myself to write another comment telling you what an amazing book you have written.

*fingers crossed*
-Ketzzy

mapleyther wrote 262 days ago

Heart-wrenching, haunting and engrossing. I ended up reading more chapters than I intended to as a result...the hallmark of a good book! Easy to see why it currently finds itself on the Editors Desk...!

M.P. Jones - Mason Wilson & The Dead Bird Debacle

Jack Waters wrote 263 days ago

Hi Richard, just finished your novel and like all good writing, I could not put it down. You don't need me to critique this. You have put so much work into shaping your characters into beautiful creations. The emotions I felt were unlike anything I have ever felt when reading a book. I was lost in it, and grateful for the oportunity to be a part (if a little late.) of your Authonomy life, because I am sure they will pick this up and you will evolve and grow into a fine published author.

Regards
Jack Waters
Reuben Falls, Dark Legacy.

Labradors and cappuccino wrote 264 days ago

Hi Richard
Just realised I already read and commented on your book ages ago so I'm backing it now -hope it helps to keep you up there. Well done!
Olivia

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 265 days ago

The Snow Lily

Oh, well, cannot get the story out of my head, so got to finish reading it…

Wow, I have finished this incredible story! So many twists and turns with mystery at every corner. Bobby survives but what happens to the rest? We are hinted that someone left through the backdoor? Was it Lily, Rose? I wish Daniel made it too…I am looking forward to the Ice Lily.

Marvelous job! Keep writing, you really have talent!

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity (Symbolic approach to creation and love)
Matters of the Heart Poetry Book

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 265 days ago

The Snow Lily

Chapter 64: Such poetic and moving chapter: truly captures the broken heart. I believe this chapter illustrates your mastery at its peak. Truly touched me and brought out the understanding of utter brokenness. It resounds with my own heart: masterfully done!

Chapter 65: Profound: “So this is freedom, the ability to remove oneself from one place to another.”

Chapter 67: it is not easy to see who is the villain here; grandfather has done thing for his daughter, loves his daughter and yet his daughter had to live in the cold basement next to his grand mansion: just cannot picture it…Then Daniel, her husband, who is trying to avenge her who is of a bad background but holds so much love for Rose… Even the worst people in the world have a heart and an ability to have remorse or to love someone…

Chapter 68: So, grandfather is a true villain here. Scary revelations!

Chapter 69: Oh, the action…and Lily’s disappearing act again…but will stop now and return tomorrow…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

Voice wrote 266 days ago

Just to clarify, this is set in 1898? They don't talk like people from that era. Ok, I zipped through to chapter 18. What a page turner! Tension galore! I have to read something else so I will be able to fall asleep tonight!

Voice wrote 266 days ago

I love the relationship between these two siblings. Their situation is heart wrenching and you do a great job of making the reader sympathetic toward them. I'm going to have to get back to reading this because I'm so worried about these two kids and I'm really rooting for them!

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 266 days ago

The Snow Lily

Chapter 58-59: Evil son-in-law, Daniel, eluded them…Lily is not found…

Chapter 60: Is it what I think it is? Rose took Lily into the basement where she lives and the evil husband has found both of them? Am I mistaken?

Chapter 61: I was mistaken, the man that held Lily was Mr. Stanley. Now, Lily, mother and Bobby have reunited! What a pleasant surprise!!!

Chapter 62: Bobby is falling apart…

Chapter 63: I feel terrible for Daniel, now that I know the whole story…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

tallott wrote 267 days ago

I understand this novel is very serious and tries to make a point about human degradation and how people can abuse and neglect others. The imagery is intense and meaningful and there is slightly unusual use of language. The style is very individual. I wrote a poem on this kind of theme, office outcast, that Forward ;poetry just took to be published in October. I would be grateful having been advised by Mslexia to send a novel on site for comp soon, altho not sure I will fniish it, if you can review me or read my novel Caribbean Chocolates. Thanks if you will Tracy Allott site user

Lorix wrote 267 days ago

Hi Richard,

Wow, you have a beautifully lyrical prose. The direness of the children's situation comes through but also a hope that things will change and Bobby will be able to help Lily. Immediately I want to know who their captors are, why they have been taken and what happened to their mummy.

I will most definitely be reading more of this, though it may be slow going as it is the summer holidays and I have two children to keep occupied!

Good luck with the editor's desk!

Lori x

maretha wrote 268 days ago

The Snow Lily by Richard Ankers
This is my second visit to Bobby and Lily's story and regrettably I had to get some sleep after chapter 43, which I completed last night at about 2am. I'm amazed at the flow of events and the sinister plot which is unfolding. I cannot wait to complete the rest, BEFORE it is off and onto the desk - quite understandably so.
There are things that need work, for example I still cannot quite grasp why the children's captors were as cruel to them as they were - considering that they meant to make a fortune out of them. Lucky for the children that the couple met up with rather a sticky end! Then too, sometimes, the point about their mom seems a bit OTT, i.e. why does their "grandfather" insist that they refer to her as Mother and not Mummy? - a term which seems a bit much at times. Nevertheless, these are small details to an otherwise amazing plot, which you revealed steadily. I am intrigued to know where it will all end, because seeing the painting of their crying mother, hearing that their grandfather is actually looking for their father, rather than mother - thickens the plot.
Top stars from me for your lovely writing ability as far as description, imagination, character development and dialogue goes, which seems to flow naturally all the time. :-)
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Queen87Lizzy wrote 268 days ago

I really love this book. The brother being his sister's keeper really hits home with me. I believe that siblings should take care of each for forever. These rants of parents they had really upset me because kids are innocent. Why take such frustrations out on those kids? I do plan to continue reading this book and annoying the author. Can't wait for a hardcopy.

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 269 days ago

The Snow Lily

I continue with Chapter 48 and up to Chapter 57. Grandfather is finally close to get his son-in-law but he escapes through the window and unto the roof… Like the description of the mother’s portrait. You paint such a beautiful picture in a very poetic way. I see the love in the Bobby’s father, tears and constant vigil of his son. Even though he is an evil man, I feel for him somehow… or is it someone else? So glad Lily is still alive…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

jacqklin wrote 270 days ago

Richard, A lovely voice you have! Slightly poetic, as I, I see...love that--I have the ear to hear it. So uplifting on the opening note...and my smile wore down when the poor things were punished so much....reminded me of my childhood! But I'll tell you so far it's keeping my attention, and that is hard to do with ADD. :)

jennifer rushton wrote 270 days ago

Hi Richard, you were recommended to me by Jack W, I have read the first 2 chapters and I must say I was enthralled. What the 2 girls have to endure in the opening chapters really affected me, I feel for them both and will read more soon. I can't believe the talent on this web site, thank you.

Rani Lee wrote 271 days ago

Hi Richard,

I have just read the first five chapters of The Snow Lily, and my thoughts are below.

The writing is clear and sophisticated and so are your characterizations.

Chapter 1- I thought this chapter was strong. The releationship between Lily and Bobby is set up well, and the danger they face daily is clearly defined.

Chapter 2- This chapter shows the difficulties Bobby and Lily face on a daily basis, which I think is integral to the plot. However, it was a bit on the slow side. I would have liked to see some tension there. There's a monotony in routines and patterns, which is evident even while reading about said patterns. Halfway through the chapter, I had expected that they might have a close encounter with their stepparents, and I was a bit disappointed when that didn't happen.

Chapter 3- I assume that this chapter is to serve as a window into the overall story - a puzzle piece. Since this is the only one of its type that I have read, I don't really know what to think of it yet. Right now, it just seems out of place, but I'm sure that as the story continues, its significance will increase.

Chapter 4- This is a nice chapter. It is a sad and almost bittersweet moment when Bobby explaining something that's supposed to be cheerful to his sister.

Chapter 5- Finalement, some tension. The disruption of their normal pattern for an unexpected change adds to the intrigue of the story.

Overall, I think you have beautiful writing, and I'll back the story with the hope that it will remain in the top five.

Rani Lee

kkobylar wrote 272 days ago

Hi Richard,

I had a chance to read a few more chapters. I'm up to the point where Bobby almost takes the note.

I have a few suggestions for chapter 4 (or chapter 5 according to authonomy). There are some areas where I think the prose could be tighter, especially in the paragraphs where the man and woman are attacking the family. I think the action calls for shorter, more clipped sentences to reflect how quickly everything is happening.

The two paragraphs I'm referring to are the ones that begin: "Mummy does not move . . ." and "In three paces . . ."

Here are some areas that I recommend tightening:

--I se the colour drain from Mummy's face. . . = The colour drains from Mummy's face . . .

--Then all hell breaks loose . . . = Then the door crashes from it's hinges (All hell breaks loose sounds cliche.)

--For a moment, I am disoriented, dazed, my head spins . . . = For a moment, my head spins . . . (The three descriptors here feel redundant.)

--The last thing I see is Mummy lain in a pool of what I think . . = The last thing I see is Mummy laying[?} in a pool of dark water . . .(Since you're using first-person narrative, phrases like "I see" and "I think" aren't really necessary. The reader knows whose viewpoint and thoughts these are.

I would also recommend cutting almost all of the adverbs in the 2 paragraphs I mentioned. This, too, will tighten the prose.

The paragraph where Mummy cries the tear is perfect. It's a moment in slow motion, which it should be. But the kidnapping and murder are more violent, and call for more clipped prose.

These are just some suggestions based on my own writing experiences over the years. I make no claims of gospel truth. Use what you find helpful and discard the rest.

Best wishes,

Karen
kkobylar
Kingdom of the Serpent

Lara wrote 274 days ago

Another backing and max starring for a book which has been ousted from its proper place on the Desk
ROSALIND MINETT
SPEECHLESS

Norma Posy wrote 276 days ago

Richard:

I must say that this is a well-conceived, and well-written tale. By the end of the first chapter, I cared. This is to the credit of your writing. Too often, what might otherwise be at least an interesting story flops because the reader finds that he does not really care what happens next. Emphatically not true in this case.

It's all in the writing. (Or sometimes, not.)

I attend a weekly writers group, and so, my manuscript for "Side Pocket" is constantly revised, six pages per week. As a consequence, I've found trouble turning my "editor's eye" off when reading a novel.

But in this case, I lost myself in your story. Well done!

- - Norma

Michelle Richardson wrote 277 days ago

The Snow Lily -reading further chapters reminds me of why this book has been on my shelf since I first joined this site. The emotion, and the heart breaking story never fails to draw the reader into Bobby and Lily's despair. A classic example of why we as readers love to read, and evidence that the author is a rare talent. I look forward to this sitting on my bookshelf along side other great books that have covered historical fiction so well.

kkobylar wrote 277 days ago

Hi Richard,

I just read the first to chapters, and will be back to read more. I second what the other reviews have said. This story is compelling. I love the brother-sister relationship and some of the descriptions like "breath ghosts away" and "a child born to a life of attic dust.

Just one small nit (blame the English teacher in me): One sentence at the beginning of chapter 1 read more like two seperate sentences to me: "My damaged leg aches, a dull monotonous thrumming. It often does but I say nothing . . ."

Good luck with this!

Best wishes,

Karen
kkobylar
Kingdom of the Serpent

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 278 days ago

The Snow Lily

Chapter 43: I got nervous again that Lily would throw herself down. I was relieved to see her waiting for Father Christmas. I am glad Bobby is enjoying watching the snow. It is amazing that they can withstand such cold…

Chapter 44: Oh, my goodness, someone gave their attic encyclopedia to them on Christmas! How horrible!

Chapter 45: Now we learn that the man with graveled voice that conspires against children is their father….

Chapter 46: Lily’s behavior is just so erratic! Can’t believe she stole the keys again and ventured out!

Chapter 47: What is Bobby’s father that took Lily and brought Bobby to the doorway? I wonder…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

Timothy_Carlow wrote 279 days ago

Hello,
First off, congratulations on your book's ranking! I've just finished reading the first couple of chapters, and can see how this story has climbed as far as it has. Your prose is fluid and emotionally powerful, and you expertly build up the frailty and innocence of your characters by offering the reader a vivid look at their hardships. This is a story both captivating and tragic, and I look forward to watch its continued success.
All the best,
Timothy

Timothy_Carlow wrote 279 days ago

Hello,
First off, congratulations on your book's ranking! I've just finished reading the first couple of chapters, and can see how this story has climbed as far as it has. Your prose is fluid and emotionally powerful, and you expertly build up the frailty and innocence of your characters by offering the reader a vivid look at their hardships. This is a story both captivating and tragic, and I look forward to watch its continued success.
All the best,
Timothy

Another Rebecca wrote 279 days ago

Thank you for sharing your book Richard. I am only four chapters in, but my favorite part right now is that I don't know what the time period is, where the book setting is, or if the "parents" are even human. It is fun to be in that mystery at this point. And enjoyable to read a book with so many unanswered hints and suggestions. I'll keep reading.

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 280 days ago

The Snow Lily

Chapter 36: First line, add comma before ‘doctor’. Bobby has been sedated on purpose!!! Now everything starts to come together piece by piece.

Chapter 37: In the paragraph: “Lily! Lily!...add opening quotation mark before ‘Lily, where are you?’ My goodness, what is happening? Is Lily dead?

Chapter 38: In the paragraph: “I am terribly worried about…” add comma after ‘boy’. In the paragraph starting with: “I’m not sure…” change ‘by out of here’ to ‘be out of here’.

Chapter 40: In the paragraph: “’Yes’, I reply…” I would indicate a thought with italics. ‘I’ll have to be[,]’ I think to myself. In the paragraph: “Right then[,] both of you…” delete space before ‘are you sure’ and I think it is a question, so I suggest to change period to question at the end of this paragraph.
Will Bobby actually venture outside? I need to continue reading…

Chapter 41: In the paragraph: “Come on [,] the pair of you…” add comma.

Chapter 42: In the paragraph: “Please[,] [d]on’t call me…” make changes as mentioned, ‘and filling out[,] I see’. In the paragraph, staring with “Please[,] Eric…” add comma. In the paragraph: “Do you not sleep…” change period to question mark.
A whole year has passed since Bobby’s and Lily’s captivity but their mother is still not found. Mr. Stanley brings hope: mother will probably look for her children as soon as she gets a chance…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

C.A.Winkler wrote 280 days ago

Chapter 3: I love the dialogue between these two men...and the whole scene. You sense of the archaic is magical!

C.A.Winkler wrote 281 days ago

Nicely rated and added to watch list :)

C.A.Winkler wrote 281 days ago

Nicely rated and added to watch list :)

C.A.Winkler wrote 281 days ago

Nicely rated and added to watch list :)

C.A.Winkler wrote 281 days ago

Chapter 2: I’m really pulled in here and your manner of “speech” brings the preciousness out of the gloom. As in chapter one, the tone is otherworldly within the wretchedness of the children’s situation. In punctuation, when “Lilly ‘mimics’ a stage actor” it is great imagery, but has she ever seen a stage actor? It seems some other word would work better here (in place of mimics).
The phrase “…than it actually is…”at the end of the sentence which starts “Every clink…” I think should use “as” instead of “than” or leave out the whole phrase “than it actually is,” because as it stands, it is redundant.

C.A.Winkler wrote 281 days ago

Chapter 1: I love that within the horrors of their lives, these kids attend to their very souls with their surreal imaginations. This makes the terrible mental pain of their captivity a little more bearable to me, the reader.
I believe you should have a comma after "my mind that will one day save us" (,) not my body. And I think you need a comma in place of the period after…"six years of our lives" (comma here in place of a period)... since “I, with servitude…” is a sentence fragment with out the former...

L.ST12 wrote 282 days ago

Hi Richard - good luck with E.D. this month. I have read the first few chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. Good Luck, L.ST. 6 stars, highly recommended.

Ildrinn wrote 282 days ago

Richard,
I finished reading The Snow Lily last night and just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it. You thoroughly deserve your position on the Editor's desk and I'm looking forward to the sequel. You have a very compelling way of writing. You're already on my bookshelf but I'll recommend you to others. :-)

Rachael
Storm Rising

Iden wrote 283 days ago

Hi Richard,
Just thought I'd take a look at this book on the ED. I definitely believe it deserves to be where it is at the moment and even high up the ladder. I read a few chapters from your heart-rendering story of Bobby and Lilly and I am mesmerized by your writing ability. You are indeed a wonderful writer and I hope you get published soon. Well-done, highest stars, WL'd until I find a place on my shelf...Best wishes, Iden

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 284 days ago

The Snow Lily

Chapter 31: “…hop-tap my way after the blur that is Lily,” such a visual.
This is unbelievable chapter! I wonder if children’s mother is kept in grandfather’s attic room. It is hard to believe, just like children, their mother is a prisoner of the attic! Have to read on to find out more…

Chapter 32: in the fourth paragraph, add comma before ‘good doctor.’

Chapter 33: this chapter is packed with action. Lily somehow manages to get outside. The man that spies is just a few feet away. Bobby runs to the rescue. I wonder what will happen next and will read on…

Chapter 34: I learn now that there is no mother in the attic, it is all Bobby’s hallucinations…or maybe not…

Chapter 35: In the paragraph, starting with “I awake to the sound of an owl…” change ‘was’ to ‘way’.
You weave mystery well: now Lily finds the keys and learns that what is located in the attic is the portrait of their mother…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

Andrew Melvin wrote 284 days ago

This imaginative story is full of suitably dramatic moments and some evocative scenes, from the silent street reminiscent of a fairytale to a strong finale. The characters are well drawn and interesting enough to pull the reader along through some fairly dark incidents, and the chapters flow easily.

The text would benefit from some sharper editing; it was unfortunately prone to mistakes like "fallen on death ears" and "fox danes to honour me". However, it also includes some very creative ideas, such as the description of the sound of a broken heart, and is well worth considering.

Given the right editor, this could be a success.

Andrew Melvin
"The Policeman of Secrets"

Andrew Melvin wrote 284 days ago

This imaginative story is full of suitably dramatic moments and some evocative scenes, from the silent street reminiscent of a fairytale to a strong finale. The characters are well drawn and interesting enough to pull the reader along through some fairly dark incidents, and the chapters flow easily.

The text would benefit from some sharper editing; it was unfortunately prone to mistakes like "fallen on death ears" and "fox danes to honour me". However, it also includes some very creative ideas, such as the description of the sound of a broken heart, and is well worth considering.

Given the right editor, this could be a success.

Andrew Melvin
"The Policeman of Secrets"

Andrew Melvin wrote 284 days ago

This imaginative story is full of suitably dramatic moments and some evocative scenes, from the silent street reminiscent of a fairytale to a strong finale. The characters are well drawn and interesting enough to pull the reader along through some fairly dark incidents, and the chapters flow easily.

The text would benefit from some sharper editing; it was unfortunately prone to mistakes like "fallen on death ears" and "fox danes to honour me". However, it also includes some very creative ideas, such as the description of the sound of a broken heart, and is well worth considering.

Given the right editor, this could be a success.

Andrew Melvin
"The Policeman of Secrets"

Andrew Melvin wrote 284 days ago

This dramatic story is full of suitably dramatic moments and some evocative scenes, from the silent street reminiscent of a fairytale to a strong finale. The characters are well drawn and interesting enough to pull the reader along through some fairly dark incidents, and the chapters flow easily.

The text would benefit from some sharper editing; it was unfortunately prone to mistakes like "fallen on death ears" and "fox danes to honour me". However, it also includes some very creative ideas, such as the description of the sound of a broken heart, and is well worth considering.

Given the right editor, this could be a success.

Andrew Melvin
"The Policeman of Secrets"