Book Jacket

 

rank 8
word count 69965
date submitted 29.05.2012
date updated 19.06.2013
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

The Snow Lily

Richard Ankers

A journey from the depths of despair, to hopes dashed. Bobby and Lily have only winter in their lives.

 

Winter 1892.
A terrible act of violence is about to forever alter the fates of a young boy and his infant sister. An act so vile, the ripples from it will cascade through the rest of their lives.

Six years later.
Bobby and his sister, Lily are held captive by the fiends who perpetrated the unquestionably awful act upon their mother, their dear Mummy.
Living, just barely, the children are treated like animals, abused both mentally and physically. The question is why?
As the tale unfolds, Bobby begins to realise that he and Lily are pawns in a greater game. Their escape from captivity is a happiness short lived as one thing after another proves to be less than they hoped. The freedom once longed for becomes more of a burden with each passing day.
Whilst Bobby grows into a deeper malaise, spawned of pain and the hope of seeing his Mummy alive, his sister's erratic behaviour becomes all the more troubling.
When the end game comes, will the two children, who've only ever had each other, summon the joint strength to survive?
From the harshest of winters, a lily will try to bloom.

 
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tags

, children, cruelty, evil, family, hope, love, winter

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367 comments

 

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andersensapphire wrote 23 days ago

Wonderful emotion! I was not left wanting for it in the first three chapters I read so, great, great job there. I love the sibling camaraderie. I have developed a similiar relationship to my brother, and I feel it makes for a very powerful storyline. I love the age gap between them because it pushes them almost into a child-parent relationship which enhances and deepens their bond. You did a splendid job of capturing the depth of the situation.

Some of your paragraphs were so well constructed, emotionally accurate, and rich that I had to re-read to enjoy every aspect of the sentiment that was being portrayed. You write with wonderful layering!

I feel for Lily and for Bobby - denied the one thing children really want, their parents. It is a subject that hits home, and your methods of storytelling are genuine. I felt a connection to your story right from the beginning. I sincerely hope that you achieve your goal of publication. This story deserves great recognition.

Best of luck to you,

Caitlin

lauraemmons wrote 131 days ago

I've just read the first four chapters of The Snow Lily. The story is compelling. You convey the horror of the children's circumstances well. The scene where they descend the stairs had me holding my breath. I cringed at their bathing routine. I felt the pain when you said they stood next to the boarded up fireplace to try and catch a whiff of outside air. Technically flawless, I can see why this novel has done so well on the site.

I have no suggestions for improvements. The story idea is fresh and the telling is thrilling. I'll be back to read more.

Best of luck with it's publication.

Laura Emmons
Seeing Magic
Healing Hands

Vikko wrote 267 days ago

R.M.A., I am amazed at the literary genius and great emotional intensity you portray in your writing! The figurative speech you use is of great caliber and is filled with deep symbolic and wise interplay of expression like none I have ever seen before. I am utterly taken aback with what I have just read. I see nuances of Dickens and C. S. Lewis in your writing. Oddly enough, your writing is ageless and timeless. I could not really tell (in my spirit) if I was in the days of old England or in the days that I relate to in my own current life of suffering. Indescribably speaking, the similes and descriptions of your wordage are heart rending and are wound into cords of bottomless wisdom and the "feeling" of painful life experience blossoming into the hope of a newness of life. Death and rebirth is what this writing is all about. And it is written in such a way that one is turned to the heart of the Creator who has envisaged the painful dilemma of human suffering.

The only shaky structure I found somewhat disconcerting was the transitions into you "Interlude" chapters.

Overall, reading this work was an experience I will never forget. God bless you!

Vicki Hendrickson Burns
"Purissa and the Ice Angel"

Sara Stinson wrote 315 days ago

The Snow Lily
By R.M.A.

I have spent the last several hours mesmerized! This is a gripping story! A dark and grimly beginning, yet in each chapter a hint of hope evolves. Two innocent children witness and experience unspeakable deeds carried out by evil people. In the most bleak moments, they find 'good'. If it is nothing but a drop of water of a snowflake, they cherish the moment of seeing and exploring new things in life. You are missing out if you have not read!

I have sprinkled you with 6 stars!
Sara Stinson
FingerBones

Neville wrote 363 days ago

The Snow Lily.
By R.M.A.

I read your first book 'Sea Spray and Stars' it was wonderful.
Now I come to another spectacular book!

Such a wonderful prologue as you open up this story. It could not fail to keep the reader from wanting to read on.
So I read the twenty five chapters straight through—I couldn’t put the book down!
It’s almost as if this is non- fiction to be honest…It’s so well written that I got a sense of the authors involvement as a M/C.
The pre-face sets the feeling of despair for the reader…’At some point, the winter wind stops howling and the Christmas blizzards abate, someone will feel the children’s pain and save them.—Wont they!’…
Another great hook here!
The story is a harrowing experience; it pulls at the heart strings and never relents in its entirety.
The detail is vivid as Bobby and Lily try to cope with a seemingly hopeless situation that they’ve suffered for six years.
The bond between them is unbreakable, made stronger by their every-day torment of being slaves to a so called ‘mother and father’ who had actually stole them from their real mom, stabbing her in the process.
The scene as Bobby describes the story of Father Christmas and why he can’t visit them…he doesn’t know they’re there, the freezing cold in the attic room with a high, small window, heavily frosted.
To top it all, they have to be quiet at all times getting what nourishment they can from the scraps left over the night before by their unfeeling captors who haven’t an ounce of pity.
Throughout the book, I thought that their mother had been killed but you have once again put a twist to the story—a nice one at that. So I shall have to wait to find out the outcome, but for now they are in safe hands with their Grandfather.
A most thrilling read which deserves full stars and a place on my shelf!
I will buy this book when it’s published…that’s for sure!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 2 hours ago

The Snow Lily

I am on Part II, up to Chapter 25. It is sad to see that grandfather is not immune to temper outbursts! Yet there is still kindness and honor in him, I guess loosing leads on the daughter made him such for a moment…

You have some beautiful conversations between Lily and Bobby: the sky is ablaze with fire, maybe mommy is watching the same sky. Bobby still refers to encyclopedia they used in the attic. It seems that Bobby is still confirmed to attic way of life. How long will it take for him to be set loose? It seems that he misses the encyclopedia while there is so much more in the world that surrounds him.

Now Bobby is left alone in the big house with Lily while grandfather is on the search for his daughter…

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 1 day ago

The Snow Lily

I decided to slowly re-read some of your story. I am on chapter 2. After reading the whole book, your descriptions sink even deeper. I go through Bobby’s and Lily’s harsh routine of cleaning. This is where it is described how Bobby got his lame leg. I am amazed at the depth of your descriptive, the story truly comes alive as two little children complete their chores for the day without even waking the cats.

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

Susanne P Capper wrote 3 days ago

Heart wrenching, you are drawn in to theirpittiful lives and the hopelessness they feel. The story protrays the hope they have in each other and how they depends upon each other even though Bobby maybe thinks he has to be the strong one for Lily. You have delivered the scences to my imagination so I can picture every detail of their surroundings as I read the thoughts and feelings of the protagonists.
I will certainly continue to read.

Best of luck with this work

Su

Susanne P Capper wrote 3 days ago

Heart wrenching, you are drawn in to theirpittiful lives and the hopelessness they feel. The story protrays the hope they have in each other and how they depends upon each other even though Bobby maybe thinks he has to be the strong one for Lily. You have delivered the scences to my imagination so I can picture every detail of their surroundings as I read the thoughts and feelings of the protagonists.
I will certainly continue to read.

Best of luck with this work

Su

Billie Storm wrote 4 days ago

Happy to see that The Snow Lily has been taken to the hearts of many on Authonomy; you’re doing splendidly enough to completely ignore my jaundiced views. With absolutely masses of support, what need of crits?
This is my view.
First off, is this a children’s book? The voice is pleading for my sympathy.

Impression: instantly found potentially very beautiful imagery. I say potentially, because metaphors chase one another so quickly, it doesn’t allow this reader to savour each and every one. Less is more.
The structure is good, well organised and the writing facility, tho ornate, is tight and considered in most areas. There is some repetition; Lily, for instance, delicate, crops up too many times and also the ubiquitous ‘gravelly’, or variations thereof. But these are minor snags and ones easily resolved by keying in ‘find’ and substituting the favoured word. Altho there is little sign of sloppiness in the writing, I found the emotion to be less circumspect. That said; it depends who your target audience is.
Personally felt uncomfortable with some passages of these precious children, and could not empathise. You also reiterate the love the boy has for his young sister, too much. We know that, by his action and his protective manner. Have faith in us.

Style: You seem to adopt a loquacious Dickensian/Wilkie Collins sort of voice that doesn’t always gel, and becomes a little tortuous in parts - using five words when one would do. Chap 3:
‘...the man says with a tone full of regret’ = regretfully would be fine.
‘...and brings forth a watch of indisputable high value.
Toward the end, Chap 73: ‘....the words cannot escape the confines of my mouth. In a parody of my mind.....’
The voice that ‘manages to punctuate the silence....’ These and other phrases I found longwinded.

I enjoyed, “I lie watching the room’, toward the end of that first chapter, and reckon this would be a better opener. It’s fresh and direct and obviates the feebleness of the boy; the pretty, brave voice of suffering, which alienated me. There’s nothing wrong with describing the acute privation of the situation but think you over-egg the pudding. Also would get rid of ‘mummy,’ something too pathetic about that, but then again, if people like it.
‘Breath ghosts across the room,’ is lovely, but crammed in with all the others, loses its piquancy.
Sometimes a name is mentioned several times beginning or within one or two paras (eg end chap. 1). During dialogue, addressee could be mentioned once, and then concluded by the speaker at the end, as the reader should be able to fathom, by the tone, who speaks.
Chap 2, Lily used a lot.
Sleep ‘encrusted’ jars and doesn’t fit with the poetic style - sleep sprinkled, or something like.
I moved to chapter 32, and found the exchange between the man in the room and the one beyond, stilted and difficult. ‘....A sharp rap on the exterior woodwork....’ The gravelly voice is mentioned more than its worth, and loses effect for me.
33: ‘the questions flee from Lily’s lips like bees from a hive.’ Lots of these strong poetic phrases are lost amongst myriad descriptions all equally evocative, but drifting to blurs.
53, nothing changes: gravel-voice, ‘slip sliding’, is that slip-slid? ‘Snow starts to fall with greater repetition.’ (?)

For me, the texture and shade of this bitter-sweet tale, is a mix of sweet Victorian pink and mawkish brown: the wicked and cruel captors, the purity of the children to be rescued by faith and love alone, if necessary.
The devotion and love the boy has for Lily is clear yet you lingered long on ailments and metaphor, as tho too close, and for me this indulgence weighed the reading experience down.
Nonetheless, your love of words and involvement in the characters is palpable, imagination launched into an exploratory medium, (writing/poetry itself is natural for you) and the seductive realms of descriptive narrative.
Clearly this is not my cup of tea, but would like you to reach the desk, where a more able person can offer their opinion. Will back you for next month.
Good luck and well done.

Billie

RachelKayBatty wrote 5 days ago

Hi Richard, love the story and the relationship between Bobby and Lilly. U enjoyed reading this and have no doubt that you will go far with the snow Lilly! Many stars and happy to back!

The Imagineer wrote 6 days ago

This book flows so wonderfully, and it is masterfully descriptive in its people, scenery, sound, and thought. This is the first book I have finished on Authonomy and I could not have found another book to take its place.

Now for ranting. What the heck was with that ending? There were so many twists in personality that I got lost and had to reread. I hope you come out with that "The Ice Lily" fast, I want a good happy ending, the one you so cruelly alluded to but delayed.
I'm done. All-in-all, a good book with no plot holes that I saw.

Author of, "The Midnight Hotel"

The Imagineer wrote 7 days ago

My God, what a wonderful book! You manage to translate the children's problems so wonderfully. To the child, they would have an inkling of their plight. To the adult, they can readily understand the problems and the full situation. I read all of part one before I realized what had happened.
Repost 1: Got to "Chapter 51" of your book. More things to possibly edit below.
Repost 2: I finished the book, it's so good. I'm going to do another post for my ranting.
You sir, have been shelved.

PS, what you did to the curse words, and the unparalleled description of the scenery amazes me. So far, I have no doubt that once you get into the top 5, your book will be accepted.
PPS, I believe I found 1 error.
Chapter 13 - "...Where are you boy? Show yourself! It is the sound of a tigress roaring over a kill." I think the end quote mark was meant to be put after "yourself!". Unless she is shouting "It is the sound of a tigress roaring over a kill."
Chapter 20 - "...been any trouble to Mister Johnson? The question is directed to the innocent upturned eyes of my sister." Umm, I think this is a misplaced quote.
Chapter 23 - "...distance between us feels far to short..." perhaps you mean "too" instead of "to."
Chapter 25 - Help! Please Help! I yell at... I think you are missing quotes around "Help! Please Help!"
Chapter 28 - "Lily! Lily! I yell at the top..." I think you are missing quotes at the end of the second "Lily!"
Chapter 37 - ...never raised my voice to and adult in... I believe the "to and" should be "too an".
Interlude. January 6th. Midday. "Chapter 51" - ...though the men all posses drawn... I think you mean "possess" instead of posses
Interlude. January 6th. Late Evening. "Chapter 55" = It is currently so quite, so absolutely... I believe you mean "quiet" instead of "quite".
Interlude. January 8th. Approaching Midnight. "Chapter 64" - I love the description of a broken heart here. Very apptly described.

Author of, "The Midnight Hotel"

Geowonderland wrote 9 days ago

Richard,
What a gripping story written with eloquent language. You’re an excellent writer. Well deserved to be at the top.
Best wishes,
Aneta

James Aristocrat wrote 9 days ago

This is a polished piece of work, very impressive, you deserve to reach the editors. Will back the book.

DesRoundtree wrote 14 days ago

A beautifully moving story about the relationship between a brother and sister through the most trying of times. The language made this story a sensory experience with descriptiveness that made me feel like I was in the coldness of that attic with them.

The weaving of the intricacies of the back story also keep you interested in the outcome for these children, your heartbreaking with every obstacle that presents itself to Bobby and Lilly.

I enjoyed it very very much.

Jo Kinkade wrote 14 days ago

I've just finished the first four chapters and will definitely be reading more! Bobby's narration pulls at my heartstrings and makes me hate their captors. This story flows incredibly well and it feels as though I'm right there with Bobby and Lily. Wonderful writing!

Jo
The Edge

CM Waller wrote 14 days ago

Hi Richard,

I have read until the end of part one of your wonderful novel. There is so much mystery and suspense here and I felt a powerful connection to Bobby and Lily and their plight. The book is really well written and the first person narrative voice from Bobby sounds really authentic, I can really see him as a child that has been forced to grow up too soon. I also quite like the interlude structure that you use.

I will definitely read the rest of the novel in due course and wish you every success. I have backed your book in a bid to help it to the desk in June, I am sure it will receive a glowing review from the Harper Collins editors.

Good luck,
Celine

cm Katarn wrote 14 days ago

Richard,

I do enjoy Bobby and Lily - especially Lily; when she speaks, I hear her, which is truly a feat. I've only completed the first four chapters, and should like to come back for more, but it'll need to be another day. I don't know what to suggest to improve it; you seem to have a fully realized world and plot ready to unfold... The only thing I can think of - and it's only a personal preference - is that the punctuation is odd in some places. I'm not sure if it's intended as part of Bobby and Lily's speech pattern, or if it is simply a stylistic approach, but - to me - the punctuation was distracting.

Like I said, I'll come back off-and-on when I'm able. Thanks again for your help,
C.A.

Nanty wrote 14 days ago

The Snow Lily.

Part One - Captives.

Harrowing opening.

'The wind is a whisper that breathes our attic's cobwebs to life.' - beautiful imagery created by these few words.

'I will never allow our grey lives to wither away...' - perhaps complete this sentence - leaving us vaporous children etc?

Chapter 2 - December 2nd - Morning.

'The golden light that streams through our porthole...' - consider cutting 'and' and replacing with a comma?

'My hopping...' - Me hopping?

'We will later leave said plates...later claim them from.' - is 'from' a typo? If not, I'd cut it as you really don't need it.

'Every clink and call...that it actually is.' - than it actually is?

Interlude - December 3rd - Afternoon.

The interaction between Mr. Robshaw and Mr. Stanley is intriguing. Has Robshaw handed over his watch to act as a lure, or is it an indication he has fallen on hard times and is using it as payment for a service yet to be rendered? Nevertheless, the crux of this passage appears to be Robshaw wants something found and Stanley has been commissioned to find it.

Chapter 3 - December 4th - Afternoon.

'Am I a minion...of our stepparents.' - step-parents.
Bobby relating the chores he and his sister have to do, and the system they've created to carry them out, should be boring. This is anything but, the author has already snared a reader's heart, and deeply engaged them in every aspect of these poor children's lives.

Powerful writing brings to life the drudgery and fear that Bobby and Lily suffer every day. For me, it is made even more horrific as the monsters who impose this dreadful regime on them, never come out of the shadows, and throughout the four chapters read, have no voice, and commit no physical abuse. Their torture of the children, narrated by Bobby, is shown by the bruises covering Lily's malnourished little body, the way the children creep about, frightened to even make a stair creak, eating scraps, and the irreparable damage done to Bobby's leg. The author's talent is such, that he is able to instil emotions in a reader that oscillate from utmost empathy to outrage, and dangles a little hope that may be far out of reach at the moment, but can be seen, perhaps.
The prose never falters. In the passages where the children appear, the voice is plaintive yet never whining, and in the passage with Robshaw and Stanley, there is gruffness and strength.
The awful truth is, the circumstances the children are in, is probably not fiction, but a truthful rendering of what might have been and could still be.

Highly recommended.

Nanty - The Sphalerite of Almandine.

Nameless Pasta wrote 15 days ago

The Snow Lily
by RMA

Simply captivating. The Snow Lily brought me back to my childhood days though I wasn't in the same picture as Bobby and Lily. I have never met characters similar to them. Lily is just so fragile and gentle to be mistreated in such way that she went through but the way she coped up with her surroundings, astounding. I actually felt her. You showed the cruelty of the society, mistreatment of children, and how faint stars still try to glow however far they are. Best of luck with your book! I can almost see this one displayed on every book stands and translated into different languages.
Stay Inspired.

~Princess
The Hunter Chronicles

AlexandraMahanaim wrote 15 days ago

The Snow Lily

It has been a while, so I have decided to read the story again. I like how Lily wants to capture the star light and place it in the bottle and carry it around, such a wonderful image!

Beautiful: “There is one other thing our room holds in abundance, something very special they cannot strip us of: our imaginations…”

I just now recall it was beautiful yet I see that you have been tuning it up to perfection! So proud of you!

Thank you for sharing your story,
Alexandra Mahanaim
Return to Eternity
Symbolic approach to creation and love

Lara wrote 18 days ago

A moving story with some lovely use of language. Backed.
Rosalind Minett
A RELATIVE INVASION
SPEECHLESS

M W Hastings wrote 19 days ago

I really enjoyed reading The Snow Lily, it is a magical, gripping story. I love the powerful and original use of traditional fairy-tale elements. You capture the children's voices and Bobby's pov vividly and convincingly. There is a strong sense of menace in the evil forces oppressing Bobby and Lily.

Can't wait for the sequel!

Miriam

SianJ17 wrote 21 days ago

Hi Richard,

I've just read the first two chapters and my heart ached with the terrible conditions that the children face. The descriptions and language you use made me sympathise with the characters and I instinctively dislike the 'guardians'. In the scene where the children are washing, I could feel the pain of the bruises and the tension you built during the scene with the stairs.

It's not a story that I would normally choose to read, but I find myself wanting to know what happens to the children and whether they'll escape their captivity.

Good luck with your work,

Sian
'Forbidden'

andersensapphire wrote 23 days ago

Wonderful emotion! I was not left wanting for it in the first three chapters I read so, great, great job there. I love the sibling camaraderie. I have developed a similiar relationship to my brother, and I feel it makes for a very powerful storyline. I love the age gap between them because it pushes them almost into a child-parent relationship which enhances and deepens their bond. You did a splendid job of capturing the depth of the situation.

Some of your paragraphs were so well constructed, emotionally accurate, and rich that I had to re-read to enjoy every aspect of the sentiment that was being portrayed. You write with wonderful layering!

I feel for Lily and for Bobby - denied the one thing children really want, their parents. It is a subject that hits home, and your methods of storytelling are genuine. I felt a connection to your story right from the beginning. I sincerely hope that you achieve your goal of publication. This story deserves great recognition.

Best of luck to you,

Caitlin

flygurl wrote 23 days ago

Richard,
Ok so I am in chapter 10 of your masterpiece! Your pitch is VERY strong. Not too long, not too short, and descriptive and succinct enough to draw the readers in with a compelling story.
Bobby is a hopeful protector. We root for and have compassion for both MC's. Lilly is not just the annoying little sister, but you have developed her into a beacon of hope that propels and adds depth to the story, which keeps the reader intrigued throughout the novel. Bobby, although partially lame, and weak, and young, is surprisingly strong, and introspective, and we know he will "find a way out" for he and Lilly. Love the description of the devil step-parents. We hate them and hope for their demise. I like the way you introduce the history of the mother in a dream, it's very appropriate. As I have not finished I am reluctant to give change suggestions. Finally, your writing is indeed flawless. It is clear that you have a book that will be published in the near future!

flygurl wrote 23 days ago

Hi Richard.
Thank you so much for the comments! I can't tell you how immensely appreciative I am for them, I am pleased you enjoyed the book!

K.L. Candela wrote 23 days ago

Dear Richard,
I think you are a born story teller - you know the type who have you riveted around campfires. Wow. I've read two chapters only and intend to read more - will read more out of pure, nosey, curiosity and pleasure.
You've somehow managed to take a subject that is harrowing and cruel and portray a love between siblings that rises above that. It is such a great contrast. The visuals are strong in my mind as I read. Well done.
I really need to know why these children are in this situation so I will read on. You've hooked me - there's the addiction thing.. .that's good right?? It certainly is. :)
OH! And I love the font.

K.L. Asselstine
The Angry Mother

Short Story Writer wrote 25 days ago

Hi Richard,
What a sad, sad story, but I had to keep reading. Just another chapter, just one more... I finished 10, but must come back to find out what happens to Bobby and Lily. Great stuff. Another for my watch list.
Morven[The Buck Stops Here].

Sarah-Jane wrote 26 days ago

Hi Richard,

The Snow Lily is an excellently structured and compelling read for which you are to be applauded.
The descriptive detail in Chapter one sets the reader up for an outstanding reading experience. The imagery and emotive writing makes it easy to visualize the scenes which are enhanced by your use of analogies.
I was totally captivated by the story and will be reading more over the coming days.
It remains on my WL and has received a highly starred rating.
Congratulations and good luck.

Sarah Jane
Glass Half Full

J Greene wrote 26 days ago

You have very strong writing skills. Your word choices are impeccable, making your descriptions strong. They make us feel for the characters. (Just watch out for run-on sentences:))

jol07006 wrote 34 days ago

First off, thank you for reading some of my book. It is always gratifying to hear that someone enjoyed what I've written.

I have just read the first chapter of your book and I found the story to be interesting. I can already tell that your plot will be a thrilling one. I have a few suggestions, however. The main thing I would suggest is simplicity. Stop trying to so hard. Tell a good story. Don't focus on using flowery language and poetic symbolism. It makes the story heavy and boring. No reader wants to have to wallow through all of that to get to the story. For example, your passage about the children's imagination lists about ten different ways that they use it. That's just too much. If I were to rewrite that passage it would sound something like this:

"There is one other thing our rooms hold in abundance, something very special that they cannot strip us of: our imagination.

Lily and I have crossed oceans on the backs of dolphins, traveled to the stars in the grip of eagles, and dined in the courts of kings and queens all within the confines of our little room. Our countless adventures are what keep us alive. Without them, we would be nothing more than shells."

Simplicity is the key.

The second thing I wanted to mention is about Lily. She's six years old. Make her talk and act like a six year old. Discarding the flowery language will help with that, too.

I know I'm very blunt but I promise I'm just trying to help. And your plot does sound very promising.

Hope this helps,
Margaret Lund
The Six Swans

mavis out wrote 37 days ago

Skipped through the first two chapters of this. Really nice effortless flow to the prose and you’ve created an enchanting atmosphere really well. Strong characterisation too. Easy to empathise with the narrator and Lily.

Laura Comfort wrote 39 days ago

Okay it reads as Chapter 27 Dec 15th morning (tab 35) but nothing comes up...I think this is where they get into the attic?

Laura Comfort wrote 39 days ago

Richard,

This book took me by surprise. I had know idea how sucked in I would get. It is a dark and tragic tale, but the characters are compelling and as you read you just have to know if things work out for them. The twists and turns keep you guessing until the very end.
I have given feedback throughout the read for editing purposes; the point of this comment is to say how much I enjoyed the book, it is on my shelf, I rate it with six stars and I'm looking forward to the sequel :-)

Best of luck to you, I hope this gets picked up!

Laura
Journey to Kokoroe

Laura Comfort wrote 39 days ago

Is chapter 35 missing? I get an error when trying to load it.

Laura Comfort wrote 39 days ago

Did you really mean to have a gap of 9 months from waking at their grandfathers and the next chapter? Reading the events and what they have found out it seems only a few weeks; a month at most. Otherwise I can't help but wonder, what has Bobby been doing?

Laura Comfort wrote 40 days ago

Wow. Richard I'm completely taken by your story. I had to keep reading to get past the horrors; I just wanted them to stop! That said, I'm sure there is a reason you couldn't just gloss over the misery. I can't even put my finger on why I keep reading as it was so tragic but there was hope, so I held on! And I'm glad I did...I look forward to learning where the story goes from here.
Oh, and I have no helpful hints or tips...it's very good :-)

Laura Comfort wrote 41 days ago

I do find the thoughts of Bobby easier to believe as the chapters go on. I'm looking forward to where the story goes.

Laura

Laura Comfort wrote 41 days ago

Okay, so far I've read chapter one. It is engaging enough that I will read more but there are a few things I wish to comment on first. Right off the bat you say "Lily and me". Now I always get caught on this so I made sure to verify it. It should be Lily and I and you can check by saying 'Lily lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'Me lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'I lay huddled under our shared bed sheet'. There is another time where you did this as well.
You have lots of positive comments so I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard. I would give you some honest feedback though. I'm having trouble believing your character is sixteen as the voice seems much older. An example would be "But I don't and never shall." Maybe in earlier times kids would speak like this but I doubt they'd ever think like this. I like the imagery but the language sounds like a literary artist and not the thoughts of a young adult. Perhaps once I've read a bit more the reason this abandoned child would think so eloquently will become apparent.

Hope this is helpful.

Laura

Laura Comfort wrote 41 days ago

Okay, so far I've read chapter one. It is engaging enough that I will read more but there are a few things I wish to comment on first. Right off the bat you say "Lily and me". Now I always get caught on this so I made sure to verify it. It should be Lily and I and you can check by saying 'Lily lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'Me lay huddled under our shared bed sheet', 'I lay huddled under our shared bed sheet'. There is another time where you did this as well.
You have lots of positive comments so I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard. I would give you some honest feedback though. I'm having trouble believing your character is sixteen as the voice seems much older. An example would be "But I don't and never shall." Maybe in earlier times kids would speak like this but I doubt they'd ever think like this. I like the imagery but the language sounds like a literary artist and not the thoughts of a young adult. Perhaps once I've read a bit more the reason this abandoned child would think so eloquently will become apparent.

Hope this is helpful.

Laura

rachel_mary wrote 43 days ago

Hi Richard,

I've now read up to the end of Chapter 13 and thought I would stop to let you know how I was getting along.

I was going to start by mentioning some other works this story reminded me of before seeing that both of them have already been noted in a comment from earlier on today! These are the critically acclaimed Japanese anime film 'Grave of the Fireflies' about a teenage boy caring for his little sister during WWII, and the novel 'Flowers in the Attic' by Virgina Andrews (or V.C. Andrews in the U.S.) If you ignore the fact that the teenage narrator in this book develops an incestuous attachment to her older brother as a result of their confinement, then the rest of the story (the narrator and her brother also have younger siblings whom they are forced to become substitute parents for) is very reminiscent of 'The Snow Lily'. I found both works gripping, harrowing and beautiful - all things 'The Snow Lily' is at its best. The reason I mention these titles is because I thought they might make useful reference points for how to improve your own story.

Now for the further chapters I've read. I reiterate all of my positive points from my previous comment tenfold. The current ranking of the story is testament to its overall loveliness. However, this far down the line I have a few suggestions:

It strikes me that everything is pitched at the same level of hyperbole - it's all extremely frightening, or extremely horrific, or extremely beautiful, which leaves no room for the reader's emotions to journey anywhere. Of course Bobby and Lily's condition is awful, but perhaps there should be some indication of relative normality for the children. That way, moments of unusual pain or joy will be more powerful, and Bobby's mounting realisation that they need to escape when things become especially worrying will be more believable.

I have also noticed that Bobby's language seems occasionally to veer from formal to colloquial, or from Victorian to modern, within the space of a few sentences.

That said, these things should be easy to tinker with, and the heart of the story remains as compelling as ever. There's the potential for a very special tale in here and the #12 position is no surprise.

This remains firmly on my shelf and I intend to read the entire thing in the near future!

Rachel
The Diver's Brilliant Bow

RED BLUE GREEN wrote 44 days ago

I read the first five chapters:

It seems to me that the story is taking quite a while to get going ....or maybe it is just the strange layout of the Authonomy set up that makes it feel so?

I would prefer more use of locations and set ups. I don’t know which country we are in or whether we are in a city or a village. That might seem a minor point but it makes the confinement of the children more dangerous if they are in the middle of nowhere or a forest.

The lack of any location info results in your story being very claustrophobic. Whilst that is good considering your main characters it seems to short change the reader.

Occasionally you throw in modern phrases which seem odd considering the timing of your story.

I find the use of ‘sis’ to be out of place and phrases like... ‘not always a given.’

I am five chapters in and I am not too sure who the evil two are?

-----------

You have a powerful opening and use good imagery. You had me hooked.

By chapter three - I was beginning to ask which location are we in?

Robshaw? Stanley? I wonder if these two are the ones holding the children?

Chapter 5

You could start with this dream. It gives you more drama up front. Then you seem to repeat information we already have -- we know they are trapped and cold... I think we need to move on ....

Lily says, ‘That someone is I’ --- for my ears it should be ‘That someone is me.’

------------

II like the suspense and world you are setting up but I would want to open it up a little more.

I find the story has plenty of potential but is a little too static for me and the fact that up to chapter 5 we have no information about location, size of house or neighbourhood makes the story too slow, even though your set up is very strong.

I think you need to move it along quicker. Thackeray’s ‘Vanity Fair’ runs at a fair pace as does ‘Wuthering Heights’.

So, I want to see the ‘wicked two’ - see what they do with their days, how wicked are they towards others or is just the children they want to have power over?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your writing style. I feel it just needs tweaking to get the best out of your material. At times your sentences run for a few words more than they should.

Despite my comments I like where this story is heading.

I think a large publisher would put an editor on to you to help you make a few adjustments without losing anything from your story.

I will come back to read more.

-----------------------------------------

Angela Merlo wrote 44 days ago

So far I've read chapter one and part of chapter two. I'm tired, so I'm stopping here for now.

This reminded me a lot of the anime "Grave of the Fireflies" and the 1987 film "Flowers in the Attic." I know "Flowers in the Attic" was also a book, but I've only seen the movie so I only have that for comparison. I should also note that I did not like "Grave of the Fireflies" though it received rave reviews. I simply found the film too depressing.

In reading the first chapter and a half of "The Snow Lily", I found myself looking for something fresh and unique about it and I can't say that I've found that in the first chapter and a half. Reading this felt more like paragraph after paragraph of gawking at human suffering, like one would gawk at a car crash happening. I also didn't have a clear sense of the characters. I couldn't get a sense of their approximate age from their dialogue. The complexity of their usage of the language seemed inconsistent. The dialogue where their ages were revealed felt artificial. The impression of got of both children was mostly Doe-eyed innocence with a flair of anger on the narrator's behalf. I didn't get a sense of who they were beyond that. I also wasn't feeling a sense of plot direction. It felt more like "a day in the life of child abuse victims."

On a style note, I also didn't care for the use for the san serif typeface. Generally speaking, serif fonts have been preferred for long texts because it has been believed our eyes identify letter differences more quickly. I did search online and there does now seem that debate about it. But personally since I was taught that wisdom, I've observed that I do indeed read faster when the font has serifs. Just a thought.

Personally, I'd like to get a better sense of the characters write a way. Doing that can be a challenge. Reading up on the four temperments can help. Personally I've found that if I take someone I know and impose my impression of them into the writing, eventually they evolve and become someone unique. Then once I know them, I go back and edit if their character seems inconsistent.

That said, it seems you get many positive reviews and that your book is doing well on here, so it may just be my own bias against stories like this.

Anyway, Thanks for your critique of the first chapter of Devil's Lake. Thought I'd return the favor. :) Happy writing!

Babybaulch wrote 45 days ago

I've only read the first four chapters so far but it is really good. I hate the captors as much as Bobby and Lily and I cringed when I found out how they ate. I love the paragraph about thier imagination that even in such rough times they still have that.
There were no faults I could see. Its an amazig story and can't wait to read more

Natalie
The Forgotten Fairytale

Salley wrote 46 days ago

Richard,
After your kind words about my book, I was eager to take a look at yours. You write beautifully, and I have been captivated. My heart is breaking for Lily and Bobby. I can't wait to see where their story takes me. Congratulations on the book's high rank. It is well deserved. I have placed it on my bookshelf.

Sara Alley

Keri Kern wrote 46 days ago

Excellent, you drew me in immediately. Backed with pleasure.
T A Mehrtens

Keri Kern wrote 46 days ago

Excellent. Drew me in immediately. Backed with pleasure.
T A Mehrtens

Newton wrote 46 days ago

There's not much I can add to what's already been said about this wonderful book. I will read to the end but I wanted to say how engaging it is. Top marks from me and a place on my shelf.

Good luck with this, Richard.

Sam :)

ShardsofSkies wrote 48 days ago

First off, congratulation on the success of your novel!

I love the short pitch. Its beautifully written and serves as a great hook. The same can be said about the long pitch. Teach me how to write pitches this successfully please.

I love the interaction between the brother and sister about stars in the bottle. Its a lovely place to start and shows the reader the closeness of the two siblings. Nothing is told but can tell by the way Bobby talks how much he cares for Lily.

Grammatical error "...Lily and I-- must sweep, clean, tidy..."

I know the sentence sounds more complete with the three verbs but I feel like using the verbs clean and tidy is a little redundant. They mean the same thing don't they? Maybe choose a different verb, vacuumed? dusted?

The repetition of the phrase "we will be punished" is a nice touch. It drives the point home. I have one complaint. I would have liked to see a flashback moment where Bobby or Lily is being punished. Maybe one is watching the other. This could be very poignant scene and it would evoke a lot more emotions from your reader as opposed to Bobby reiterating the fact that he would be punished.

"Vaporous children in a vaporous world"- Lovely statement.

You've chosen quite a young age for Lily. Will she be able to truly comprehend what is going on at that age? Wouldn't she just throw a tantrum and cry like other kids do? You could show her learning her lesson the hard way when she cries or throws a tantrum.

I loove the way you write and your descriptions are flawless. They create a beautifully vivid scene that makes the reader feel like they're there will Lily and Bobby. I will continue reading but for now, I have backed this book.

Anoosha
The Keepers

rachel_mary wrote 49 days ago

After reading the first chapter of 'The Snow Lily' last night, I found myself thinking about Bobby and Lily as I went about my day today, which I think is the first sign of an effective story. The central image of two pale, fragile children, wasting away in a dingy attic but sustained by love for one another genuinely haunted me, and I have now read a further four chapters.

The relationship between Bobby and Lily is why this story works. It is deeply moving to see how dependant they are on one another both physically and emotionally. However, the reader is never allowed to forget the fragility of their lives or the decrepit nature of their circumstances, and so her hope, his determination and their bond are like points of light in the darkness you have painted.

This would be a moving set-up even in more minimal prose, but it is made richer by the descriptions you use, which have an archaic beauty. The sudden colour and variety of the writing in the paragraph about how the children escape into their imaginations in the first chapter creates a contrast between this world of wonders and their dank reality.

So far my favourite chapter is number 4, as the conversation about Father Christmas perfectly encapsulates the children's plight and the dynamics of their relationship. I would say Chapter 2 was probably the weakest, seeing as the description of the children's grim routine was unbroken and slightly monotonous - perhaps it could be livened up by some dialogue between the two, or something out of the ordinary happening, like an accident. The 'Interlude' was a nice break from the relentless emotion of Bobby and Lily's scenes and helped deepen the sense of mystery in which the story sits.

Some description that really caught my imagination was that of Bobby being separated from his childhood by a veil which might one day be lifted. This was not only a nice metaphor for the mysterious nature of Bobby's past, but also worked as a way of suggesting his premature loss of innocence. I also really liked the idea of Lily being "a ghost in preparation."

Overall, I am totally engrossed and will be reading the rest for sure!

My2Cents wrote 49 days ago

This is so well written that I cannot do it justice by commenting; I'll simply put it on my bookshelf. Well done!
Ken Spears

MichaelTayloruk wrote 50 days ago

I've started reading the start of The Snow Lily. First of all let me say that your descriptions are incredible. In a very short space of time I feel like I'm in that attic with them. I feel like i'm on the stairs. I can picture what Lily looks like and the type of expression on Bobby's face. This really is good writing. Some of the comments so far have referred to the lack of action during Bobby's descriptive monologue. But I think that's what adds to the intensity. I also agree that there is a likeness to Dickens in your work. Your writing exudes dedication and a yearning to tell a great story. It has quality, every phrase is chosen and not included cheaply to fill space. This is a great start, I will be reading on!

Tottie Limejuice wrote 57 days ago

A very intriguing premise for a story. My initial thought was a sort of Victorian "Flowers in the Attic". Well written, with minimal errors. I've just read the first chapter for now but have it on my watchlist and will come back to dip in further as and when time allows.

Good luck with it.

Tottie Limejuice
Sell the Pig