Maybe Tomorrow

You have a wonderful story here

I gave it 6 stars

Well done again in Chapter 3. One of the best descriptions of what's going on moment to moment I've seen in a long long time. You're in a class with 1970's James Dickey's runaway best seller (and it those days it had to be well deserved) 'Deliverance'.
George

Hi Ketzzy; Having read the first four chapters here, there was several things that struck me.
Number one; how very clever an idea this is and the way you present it is quite immaculate.
Number two; the brief initial one chapter snapshots you show of each character is right on the nail. I really liked the actions that accompany a lot of your descriptions, even to arms being folded (these are details that a lot of people miss, or think unimportant, but they aren't.)
Number three; You may have issues with maternal family figures (only joking) but you do make all of them seem very uptight and overbearing.
I am terrible for looking at peoples books and moving on to another if they don't quickly capture my interest. Your first chapter just about did enough to keep me. But, as I read on each chapter thereafter became better and better. This is unusual because so many people put so much into the first thing they write that the rest can be a disappointment. Yours most certainly wasn't.
Well done, and like others who have commented am looking forward to more. (Which can't be bad as people don't say that lightly here.)
Well starred and onto my WL
RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

I found the way you introduced each of your 4 characters in their own chapter, with the same date and time, very impressive. Chapter 1 is a tiny bit jumbled tense and sentence wise, but the other chapters flow very well and have a great pace to them. Your characterization is very effective, each of the four being fully believable characters. As for their mothers - well! - what a terribly, controlling bunch of mothers they are.

This is building into a very good story, I have read 4 chapters and will read more, so very well done on such an engaging piece of writing. It has all the hallmarks of a good read. You are so young too, it really is impressive.

Lots of stars and wishing you lots and lots of luck with it. Keeping this one of my watchlist for further reading.

Debbie





A few things that need correcting - Chap 1 '...close my eyes by instinct' perhaps 'close my eyes instinctively'
I think datsun should have a capital 'Datsun'
'What?' I snap out of my state. Perhaps daydream or trance instead.

Hi Ketzzy,

This is a YARG review.

You have a great premise here and the potential to build excellent suspense with your engaging style. Your grasp of plot and pace is very impressive, even more so for one so young. I suspect you are as avid a reader as you are a writer, and that always shows! I love your device of a countdown - also beloved of so many Hollywood directors to keep the audience on the edge of its seat.

I've read to the end of chapter 3 and here are my notes.

I notice in your profile that you are currently editing down the manuscript. This actually takes care of all my crits! There is nothing wrong with your work that won't be made right by a good edit. Some specifics:

There are some confusing mixtures of tense, for example - in his passage, you start in the present, flip to the past with 'wasn't' and then return to the present.

Ch 1 The impact doesn’t occur on my arm like I thought it would, however the locker in front of me wasn’t so lucky. And without much hesitation, it clicks right into place and willingly closes shut.

And here - it's about clarity. It sounds as though she will be made fun of by terrible scheduling!

Her senior year will now be based upon the terrors of being made fun of by idiots and terrible scheduling.

There are a few such moments peppering what is otherwise such a compelling story. There were a couple of linguistic quirks in chapters 2 and 3 as well, but I didn't know whether these were intentional and part of the different voices of your characters. If they are, I would suggest you make even more of them so that each character is completely distinguishable from the next. If you can achieve recognisability of each character through their quirks, dialogue and how they describe things, you really will be onto a winner.

I am going to keep you on my WL as I really want to see what you do with this.

The very best of luck,

Sally
The Psychic Detective Agency

Dear Ketzzy,

First of all, my deepest apologies for taking so long to return this read. I'm so glad I finally made it to your well-crafted, creative story!

Even though this isn't my typical read, your storytelling captivated me right from the start. You have a marvelous way with words, varying your sentence structure to create a perfect rhythm. I am amazed you have done this when you are (were) so young. You definitely have a gift for language!

The characterization is superb! For me, it was the highlight of this piece. You captured personality and unique traits in little, charming, humorous ways ("surpised she even had a cell phone" made me laugh seeing as my kids are homeschooled! :); and I loved the "underpriced and oversized can of iced tea..."). Great stuff! Your creative, authentic details truly bring this piece to life in every way. I love what you have done here. I'm leaving you with lots of shiny stars and looking forward to reading more as I have time.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Just finished Jacob in chapter 5. I was just curious as to whether or not you do rewrites and how many? I still notice a lot of grammatical and punctuation mistakes that usually come from typing errors or not doing rewrites. The story itself, however, is still gripping. I gave it 6 stars.

Ketzzy, this is a good start to your book. I think you have a good talent for writing and I can see good things for this book. It is one of those books that I didnt want to stop reading which is a plus for the writer. I particularly like the itallics and found myself laughing constantly. I think this is important when a book is serious in the main. Well done and High Score from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or Watch List. Happy New Year. Sean

Just finished chapter two. The story is very captivating. One of those, "Man, I hate to stop. I want to see what happens next" types. One thing to watch for though is your punctuation. I noticed a few comma errors which led to capitalization errors. Could just be a lot of overlooked mistakes. I do it too. But that is what rewrites are for right? There is no doubt you have a lot of talent, so PLEASE don't let these crits get you down. With a little editing this will prove to be a very good book. Can't wait to finish it.

I have read to chapter 3 (October 1st) I like the build up to the announcement that the world will end. Giving the back story of the four teenagers before the announcement works well. Your writing is clear and detailed which I also think works well as we know all this normality is soon to change. High stars and on my watch list. I wish you the very best with your work, Olive.

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG) review:

I love the concept (I've always been fascinated by apocalyptic stories), the dry sense of humor, and I think the characters are quite fleshed-out and real. A few sentences could use a bit of tightening up at times (occasionally, I think you might try to include a bit too much information into a sentence, which disrupts the flow for me a bit; for example, the ones starting with: “With every turn, her blonde hair does a casual flip” and “My eyes scan the hallway until I notice a distinct, rather disgusting stare”), but I really liked the writing, and your vivid, descriptive style.

I wrote down a few notes as I read, though the suggestions are all quite minor, and are likely subjective. Please do disregard anything you disagree with.
CHAPTER 1:
- I wasn't sure about some of the punctuation, though his could be personal preference (for example, though: “I whisper(,) feeling a tiny sting” “shake it off(,) grabbing my books” / I would take the period out from “Miss. Sunday” / “stare at my locker(,) pouting.” / “he groans(,) turning to me.”)
- some terrific little details and touches here, like the neon sign being the only thing that lights up the street, and the lack of difference between the can and her frozen fingers.
CHAPTER 2:
- “slams hard on the (brakes)”
- “tired and weary” - I would just say weary, as the two words seemed to be saying the same thing to me
- I didn't notice this issue in chapter 1, but there are a couple of times where I thought “mother” or “mom” should be capitalized here. The rule I usually use is that it's lowercase when it's something like “my mom” or “his mother”, but capitalized when it takes the place of their name, like “Hi, Mom.” or “I spoke to Mother the other day.”
- “I clench my teeth strongly” - I could be wrong, but I'm not sure you need to say “strongly”, as to clench your teeth is to squeeze them together tightly

Overall, though, I've really enjoyed reading this so far, and I think you've got a great story and a really relatable, engaging group of characters.
Great work, and high stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Hi Ketzzy,
I read until the end of Chapter 4 to have a feel of the story and your writing style in general. I think you have a deep concept here which highlights the depths of human nature and soul.

A remarkable style meets a clear first-person voice, that's what I can say to summarize your work. The lines in italics at the end of your narratives added more dimension to the plot.

High stars and best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Nice flow, strong characters and a real contemporary fell. High stars!!

YARG review

Hi Ketzzy,

I was curious to see what your book was about, so I thought I'd have a quick read. Your first chapter about Iris is powerfully written. The friendship - is that what it is - with the Christian girl Elizabeth is interesting. I'm wondering how they've been thrown together. For Elizabeth it does seem like she was introduced to the real world a bit late. The contrast between the two girls is pretty stark and adds to your description of Iris really well. Iris seems hard, but in our own way it seems like she's kind of mothering Elizabeth, or maybe taken her under her wing a bit.

There's not much to comment on for this first chapter. I was looking to see if there would be a hook at the end of the chapter, there isn't one. However, the character portrayal is so powerful that you probably don't need one. A lot of people will continue to read just to see what you've written next. What's going to happen to this strong young girl who you''ve made your audience fall in love with? Very well done. Six stars from me.

Regards Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon)

Hi Ketzzy,

I've read all of Iris's section of chapter one and a little of each of the other four character's section, and I like what I've read. You have a good, strong writing style similar to that of Suzanne Collins. Your opening line is great, hooking the reader immediately with an angry sounding action.

Your characterization is good. I read a little of each character to see how well you did at expressing the differences in each of the characters' personalities. It can be dangerous when writing from so many personalities. Sometimes the characters all sound the same. In the little I read, you did well at distinguishing them - their thought processes and way they speak are all different, especially Elizabeth.

I only really have one crit, and that's that it felt a little wordy at times. There were definitely words and phrases that didn't need to be there and actually weakened your otherwise strong writing.

Other than that, there were just a few typos and awkward sentences. These are all from Iris.

- "... that's my mother(period) I'm really late."
- You say that Elizabeth gets up without warning after her mom called and leaves. However, she just said that she has to go. Isn't that warning?
- "I grab the few notes..." - The first half of this sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps: "I grab a few notes she forgot and place..."
- "... until the BUZZER rings." - You had "buzzard" instead of "buzzer."
- "... given him(period) I come here so often..."
- At first it's a little confusing that Iris calls her mom both "Mom" and "Lisa." It takes a while to realize that they aren't two different people. I would either settle on one name or mention that she sometimes calls her mom Lisa right away.
- When talking about Lisa's boyfriend (I'm assuming boyfriend), Iris says that he's disgusting but that her mom thinks she has bad take in men. This sentence didn't make sense to me. Wouldn't her mom have bad taste in men?

Overall, well-written. I'm giving it high stars and watchlisting it.

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

Hi, Ketzzy;

I really like your writing style. The characters are well introduced and the descriptions really give you a sense of being there; evocative. Highly starred.

David

It is like a diary of a teenager. A very familiar scenario of school environment. Lots of tension and conflict.

I’m so sorry I’m late with your comment. I ended up passed out in bed about two hours earlier than I expected. I hope you find these comments useful to you!

Short Pitch: Interesting pitch. I think it could be a little tenser and have a little more conflict, it feels a bit passive to me, but the concept seems sound to me!

Long Pitch: The short pitch, I admit, appealed to me more than the long one. My main problem here is while you have a concept, there are no characters. You tell us there are four characters, but who are they? What separates them from the rest of the world dealing with the end of the world? There isn’t anything here for me, as a reader, to grasp onto. No character that compels me to want to read further.

Just my opinion, of course, but I think this could be much stronger, especially considering the type of story it looks like you’re building here.

Chapter 1: Prelude to Normality

The title baffled me… if it is normal, how can there be a prelude to it?

Scene One: This is a pretty stereotypical scene in an average school, with average kids, the expected bullies, and a girl who isn’t afraid to speak her mind and stand above the others when needed. I like Iris’s character, but at the same time, I found myself looking for something – a conflict that touched her specifically – to bring me into the story more and engage me a little better. For all I like how she tries to help Elizabeth, there doesn’t seem to be anything that puts Iris at risk, which made it hard for me to really get involved with her as a character.

General characterization skills are quite strong, especially with meek Elizabeth and the football player.

One thing I’m noticing is the strange formatting. I haven’t quite figured out what the point of the italicized right margin’d text is?

Scene Two:

Interesting scene. I’m not sure what its purpose is in the grand scheme of things, but I liked the clerk’s reaction to the tv… (I used to try to scream the answers at the tv and get all mad at the contestants when it looked sooo obvious to me…)

Beyond that, not much commentary on this scene.

You have an interesting writing style, but in a way I’m a little too eager for the world to end already. :/

Scene Three:

This has a lot more tension and conflict, and I think shows a lot about the character and who she is and why she is like she is. Good scene. Your writing style worked quite well with it.

Chapter Two:

I liked chapter two a lot more. Elizabeth has a really interesting background and there is a lot of conflict and tension in this scene. I’m going to stop here, since I need to get to a few other return reads, but I do think that it needs to get to the end of the world stuff that was pitched a little sooner, or at least drop hints on the nature of the world’s end so as a reader, I can start piecing together what is going to happen.

Good luck with this story!

Maybe Tomorrow.
By Ketzzy Vargas.


Elizabeth has her own mind although she does try to comply with her mother’s strict upbringing one way or another.
I rather like the way the story comes across, a God fearing mother keeping her family in check.
I found the scene of her in church, addressing the congregation from the podium, strong and emotional feelings coming out of it—really good descriptive writing here…I could feel the atmosphere within that place.
We switch to the family home where before dinner, things are getting aired, the lying by Eli of the meeting with her teacher, Mrs. Harper…Oh yes, her mom can put two and two together, she’s no fool…she’s already phoned to check up on her daughter.
I like the way Eli shoves the chicken in her mouth so she can’t speak with her mouth full.
Hannah appears to get at least some comfort knowing that she’s not the only one at fault and worthy of a good telling off at times, even in public.
I like the dialogue and the way that the story moves along in a nice flow.
I love the book…love the characters and ample description that you offer to the reader.
Have read half way and will enjoy more later, but for me, many stars and best wishes, Ketzzy.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – Cosmos 501.

Read as per your request :)

chap1 crits
"my mother always said i had a bad taste in men" - this to me reads that Dallas is her disgusting man...
"I'm the only evidence left of her black hair" - i'm not sure i understand this line. What colour is Lisa's hair, why would Iris be evidence of that? is Lisa the mother? does she now have grey hair? this is a bit confusing
same with "black eyes with no color" these two things are redundant, you can say "black eyes" and not add the part of "no color" - but then having black eyes with no color seems their eyes are only pupils... or that they are not human. they need to have a little color even if not immediately visible on first glance
though, i do like that the girl with no irises is called Iris... that's clever
i'd suggest Dallas's lips not be fat, you've described his hands as fat, his lips should be something else... cuz fat lips aren't always unsexy, sometimes they are the thing of beauty. maybe crooked lips, or hairy lips, or maybe just drop that "between his fat lips" altogether
"I've never been able to find that remote." - love it
it seems odd that a park would be forbidden to anyone above 7. especially having a sign read that, because i highly doubt a child would stop to read a sign, a parent would drop their kid at a park and wander off because they themselves are forbidden... or what about the 8 year olds? what if they want to play, they'd be really disappointed

ok i like the start of this novel. Iris's character is well-established and immediately we gather that she's tough, and we know why. unbelievable trailer trash... you don't pity her, you admire her for getting past it.
this book (based on the pitch) makes me think of the Breakfast Club, except instead of 6 different teens entertaining themselves during a saturday detention, we have 4 teens coping with the end of the world
i cannot wait to see this unfold!

cheers for now
Jaclyn x
It Never Happened

Ketzzy: Well, you definitely have the talent to be a good author. You write amazing and vivid imagery and this is simply an outstanding plot. Through their thoughts and their dialogues, you develop good, strong characters. You move your imaginative and well-thought-out plot at a nice, brisk pace while drawing the reader in through your strong word pictures.

The talent is there, Ketzzy, no doubt about that, so please don't let what I'm going to suggest discourage you, but you need an editor. While I was amazed at your skill in writing imagery and developing characters, I was bothered by the many grammatical and punctuation glitches and confusing sentences because, without careful editing, I'm afraid a publisher will not see through the errors to recognize what a gifted writer you are and what an amazing story you have here. I'm suggesting that you get an outside editor, Ketzzy, because I feel like your passion to tell your story may blind you to what confuses a reader. Someone else with professional training could look at your story from the point of view of a reader. Let me give you just a few examples of what needs editing:

You write: "I was hoping to come home a few hours later than I had planned."
As a reader, I didn't understand this sentence at all. Did you mean to say, "I was hoping to delay going home as long as possible." ?

You write: "He doesn't need to count how much money I had given him, I come here...."
Ketzzy, I understand why you changed verb tenses, but verb tenses need to be kept consistent throughout a chapter or at least a paragraph. Never change verb tenses in a single sentence:
More accurate: "He doesn't need to count the money I give him; I come here....."

You write: "I see steam release from the small tan hallway; she has gotten out of the shower...."
Again, confusing and inconsistent verb tense:
More accurate: "I see steam seeping into the small tan hallway as she gets out of the shower...."

You write about the playground: ".....I take my stance in front of the slide. Once there, I crouch forward and swoop down. My feet barely manage to touch the rain outside at the other end before I pull them in."
Nothing wrong grammatically here, but the description is very strange as readers think of "slides" on playgrounds as open and uncovered in which case you would get very wet - all over - by swooping down the slide.

You write: "And at least I mentally allow myself, to leave this place."
The comma is in error. You don't want to separate 'myself' and 'to leave this place.'

Ketzzy, honestly I'm not nit picking here nor trying to discourage you. I really want to help you because I can see a great deal of talent in your writing - far more than the average writer! You really do have a gift, but you've got to polish and edit and work hard at building sentences. Do you have a favorite English teacher who could sit down and go through your manuscript with you? Your writing is so good that I'm afraid just having a friend look at it won't work because they'll be so captivated by your story that they won't be able to see the problems. It would be better to have a professional, such as an English teacher, professor, or editorial service "line-edit" it.

Whatever you choose to do, don't give up your writing - ever! You have been blessed with quite a lot of talent and it would be a real loss not to use it. I loved your story even though the English teacher in me was bothered by the glitches. As I said, you've tremendous ability to write imagery, characters, and plot and those are the important things. Except for publishing purposes, the glitches are minor problems, but I want to see you published! and have a successful career as an author! You certainly have my best wishes and I'll be following the progress of your book on here.

Sincerely, Patricia Laster
Free to be Me

The pitch really draws you in. I think its a good story and some of your descriptions are pretty good.

But there are a lot of grammar errors and awkward sentences here that takes away from the flow of the story. I am not one for semi colons, others swear by them. But once you used one after only two words. You should use a period. There is no period after "Miss" unlike Mr. and Mrs. it is the complete word. Before and after the word "however" you always need a comma unless it is at the beginning of a sentence. Also, the book starts off kind of slow. You want something to catch the reader and make them want to turn the page. Maybe start when they find out the world is ending and then go back to give individual stories.

You wrote that Miss Sunday said she was sorry she had to go and then you wrote that she left "without warning." She said she had to go.

You write "same clouds" from previous days. Clouds are not static.

"i notice a small bleeding cut is beginning to form . . ." probably would be better "I notice a small cut beginning to bleed."

"Can't be closed" s/b "won't close"

It seems like you change tenses in the chapter. I am accused of doing that, so take that from me with a grain of salt.

When Miss Sunday slams into the locker, it is unclear why the locker is open. It is the one next to the one that was just slammed, right? Where is the person who owns that locker.

Why does he have frozen fingers when he goes to get a cold drink. And the sentence after the man "swiftly" looks up at him awkward.

I didn't finish with the editing. I looked at a couple of chapters. I think that if you read it out loud that will help with some of the mistakes.

Good start.

Abby

First off, great pitch. I came into this super interested.

Chapter One: You do first person narration very well. I sometimes get annoyed with the first person trend in YA, mostly because it’s never very polished. I didn’t get bogged down with Iris’ thoughts though—and that’s usually my biggest issue with first person. I liked the little details—stopping to get the sandwich and the Wheel of Fortune game. I will say, it wasn’t immediately clear to me who was narrating. I didn’t realize who Iris actually was until her mother yelled at her. I thought she was a guy from the opening locker abuse and the way Elizabeth clung to her. Maybe drop a line or two near the beginning that orients me? Even something as small as: “Iris, you have to help me, please.” (I just noticed the name at the beginning of the chapter. Okay, so there's that, but I definitely missed it on my first read through. Take that for what it's worth.)

Chapter Two: I really liked it. Some tips for writing religious characters: always capitalize “Lord”/”God”/etc. Also, I couldn’t pick up exactly what kind of denomination this was, but it’s obvious there is a lot of emphasis on the Old Testament God versus the New Testament Jesus. It might be interesting to have Elizabeth respond to her mother with genuine questions—citing Scripture that proves her points. I think it gives Elizabeth a sense of wisdom and a little sympathy...right before her mother beats her down with what’s really up.

This review is getting super long! Okay, so long story short, I’m totally wrapped up in this and it’s only chapter two. This is getting all six stars and cozy spot on my shelf. If you ever need a beta reader or want to switch manuscript reviews, send me an email!

Great characterization. The details add much to bringing her alive for the reader. Dialogue sounds authentic. Good strong writing, especially for someone so young.

I really like this book. It's well written and keeps the reader wanting to read more. I hope you have lots of success with it.
Claire (Evie Alan, Chameleon).

Very intimate point of view. You're doing a great job of going inside the speaker's head. I'm connecting. I want to know what's going to happen next. I will read more tomorrow

So far what I have read is really good. You really jump into your story and start to develop your characters.
You have vivid images and a steady plot idea.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Hi Ketzzy; I have just read the chapters Dean and Jacob. I commented previously on the quality of your writing especially by someone so young. I have now just leant back and taken in properly these last two chapters. Again, well written, keenly observed and good detail of each of the characters involved. The added details of tattoos, teeth etcetera, helping to give an overall picture of the environment your book is set in. But, the thing that I have really noticed this time, as another writer, is not the content but the presentation of your story. It is quite possibly the best presented piece of work I have read here. Each section division, heading, verbal note, have had so much thought put into them that I thought it should be pointed out to those (like Me) who struggle with such things.
Well done, Ketzzy.
RMA
The Snow Lily

Ketzzy,
I have done some editing for you. Hope it makes sense. Before you get to that though, I really enjoyed reading it. Your writing and characters get stronger the further along in the story I get. The scene with Jacob, Iris and Jacob's girlfriend is really good. You get across the awkwardness of the situation.
Also the scene when Iris goes to Elizabeth's house. Good writing and good dialogue. The bit with Hannah climbing out of her bedroom window and her altercation with Iris is also very good. The end of this chapter is a real cliffhanger - great stuff.

Day 3 The Announcement Iris 12.10

paragraph 1 - '... was a sign that the goddess has (had) left or returned to earth'

paragraph 2 - ' ... Mythology or Shakespeare to whoever may hear' (whoever is listening)

paragraph 3 - '... Mrs Harper is short, with curly short hair (replace one of the 'short' with something else)

paragraph 4 - ' ... and turn around while others continued (continue) talking

paragraph 6 - 'A few minutes pass by and she continues doing something out of her character (she continues acting out of character)

Last paragraph before diamonds - 'Everyone hops out of their seats and run (runs) for the door screaming '

'I ... I was just talking,' he stutters terribly (not sure what you mean by terribly here)

'I start taking a few steps back before my lips ease out a few more words' (before a few more words escape my lips)

'I look down and notice statues (of) angels holding onto the lights'

'I walk up to the door and knock. (you don't need to say 'on the door')

'A few footsteps .... you mention 'door' 4 times in this paragraph. Cut a couple out.

'She loses her balance ... (as I speak)

'I lifted (lift) my head'

'I walk down the aisle ... to break the routine I usually do while I'm here' (to break my usual routine)

'The owner turns and sighs greatly (sighs heavily) before muttering again'

Hope this is useful
Debbie

This is fine writing. You have youth on your side and it's quite obvious that you have an enormous talent for fast paced, but lean writing. I don't do line-by-line analysis, I work by feel and your book has a great feel. I was drawn in immediately and it was easy to identify with your cast of characters.

There is a true sense of time and place. You are writing now and the sense of the present has and easy touch. Images, scents, sounds - you write them effortlessly well. Impressive.

High stars and watch listed. Well done!





(Only one point. Your overview of chapters is not helpful I think. Just begin with chapter one on the chapter one page and get rid of the chapter list. It holds things up and you need to get your reader as soon as you can. A small technical thing that has nothing to do with your writing...)

Well written not my genre, but you have a good story and know how to tell it, placed on watch list and 6 stars. Good luck!! Jesse- Son of Cain

Hiya Ketzzy, on recommendation, i came to have a look at your book and i'm really glad i did. I really enjoyed the story and think it has a lot of potential. I bet a lot of people can relate to the characters and parts of their lives. I will put you onto my wl and star your book. All the best, Peeps.

This is a pretty good story, I like the way you describe things. I like your plot for the book as well, it catches the reader's attention. Well done! High stars!
S.C.
P.S. if it's not too much to ask, could you check out either of my three books? "Whitechapel" is probably the best in my opinion.

You have a wonderful story here

I gave it 6 stars

Hi Ketzzy, thought i would try a few chapters of your book, as it has been recommended to me. Before i knew it, i had read through all posted chapters - You have very good characters that take their place nicely with the introductions that you give them and they all work extremely well. The plot and pace of your story is picking up nicely and i am wondering what will happen next? You have great tension flowing through the characters and at times immense suffocation that they endure, especially when Elizabeth and Hayley are eating tea with their mother - i was glad i wasn't with them...but i squirmed away as if i was. You've done a great piece of work and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your book . WELL DONE :-)- you have done a great job and i hope more chapters might be uploaded... High stars so far, and you are on my wl. Best of luck with this - Little Miggy x

Hi Ketzzy - I have gone through these four chapters for you. First of all, the bad language used, fitted in perfectly with the dialogue and situations your characters were in. I would leave it as it is, as it works.

Some suggestions -

Chapter 1 - Elizabeth
'The rain catches me off guard and '(as' would work better) I reach ...'
'I open the door and a breath of air freshener ''' I put my legs into the car' (perhaps, 'I ease into the car)
'Yes, I',m sorry, I was just talking to a teacher,' I saw (do you mean 'say') under my breath'

Chapter 5 - Jacob 2.05 pm
FIrst paragraph - 'There is (are) still ten minutes of this hell left.'
'His face turns pale and the others in the class look at me with obscurity (not certain what you mean but obscurity doesn't sound right).
'It takes (every?) cell in my body to keep going ...'
'There were already (cars?) parked there when I got here.'
'Bye sweetie,' the tiny holes beside me (my?) ear manage to whisper.'

Chapter 6 - Elizabeth 2.50 pm
'But what about Hannah?' I slip out of my mouth. ('I let slip' sounds better)
'It sounds a bit menacingly' shoudl be menacing.
'Something inside me grows and I feel a myself starving curiosity. 'and I feel consumed with curiosity' sounds better.
'My legs march down the small hallway' - perhaps 'I hurry down the small hallway' or 'march' you don't need to say my legs.
'Mom IS the fucking devil' - this is absolutely fine and fits with the situation. It adds power to what she is saying.

I really liked this chapter. You really pick up the pace and the way you let us know more about these 3 characters through dialogue and action is impressive. Plenty of tension and questions raised. Great stuff!

Chapter 7 - Dean 1.55 pm
'I try and seem (sound?) convincing.
'I walk past evertyone as they snicker (do you mean 'snigger')
Ray's bad language fits perfectly with the scene and that is how he would talk to his peers. It's not overdone at all. In fact it makes the dialogue authentic.
'Apparently my conscious (do you mean conscience?)
'I did the right choice' should be 'I made the right choice'.
I particularly like the interaction between Audrey and Dean at the end of this chapter. |Fabulous final sentence to Chapter 7.

Chapter 8 - Iris 3.30 pm
First sentence 'as her eyes danced' (dance)
'while he scavanged (scavenges) for something in his pocket.
'but every chuckle I hear from him are (is) forced'.
Another fantastic chapter. LOved the idea of the phone in a cup of water!
Iris' fight at home is very well written. The language is pitched just right here too.

Hope this is okay. First of all I really thought there were going to be swear words all over the place after your messaged but it is definnitely not the case. When setting a book with characters who would swear in real life you do need to put some of that into your writing to make them believable. You haven't overdone it so I would leave it as it is.

The more I read, the better your writing becomes. There is a real sense of excitement building now with the mystery man leaving Iris the money and the fact that you will be bringing the characters together at some point I assume.

You should be very proud, Ketzzy.

Take care
Debbie

Hi Ketzzy; Having read the first four chapters here, there was several things that struck me.
Number one; how very clever an idea this is and the way you present it is quite immaculate.
Number two; the brief initial one chapter snapshots you show of each character is right on the nail. I really liked the actions that accompany a lot of your descriptions, even to arms being folded (these are details that a lot of people miss, or think unimportant, but they aren't.)
Number three; You may have issues with maternal family figures (only joking) but you do make all of them seem very uptight and overbearing.
I am terrible for looking at peoples books and moving on to another if they don't quickly capture my interest. Your first chapter just about did enough to keep me. But, as I read on each chapter thereafter became better and better. This is unusual because so many people put so much into the first thing they write that the rest can be a disappointment. Yours most certainly wasn't.
Well done, and like others who have commented am looking forward to more. (Which can't be bad as people don't say that lightly here.)
Well starred and onto my WL
RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

I found the way you introduced each of your 4 characters in their own chapter, with the same date and time, very impressive. Chapter 1 is a tiny bit jumbled tense and sentence wise, but the other chapters flow very well and have a great pace to them. Your characterization is very effective, each of the four being fully believable characters. As for their mothers - well! - what a terribly, controlling bunch of mothers they are.

This is building into a very good story, I have read 4 chapters and will read more, so very well done on such an engaging piece of writing. It has all the hallmarks of a good read. You are so young too, it really is impressive.

Lots of stars and wishing you lots and lots of luck with it. Keeping this one of my watchlist for further reading.

Debbie





A few things that need correcting - Chap 1 '...close my eyes by instinct' perhaps 'close my eyes instinctively'
I think datsun should have a capital 'Datsun'
'What?' I snap out of my state. Perhaps daydream or trance instead.

Well done again in Chapter 3. One of the best descriptions of what's going on moment to moment I've seen in a long long time. You're in a class with 1970's James Dickey's runaway best seller (and it those days it had to be well deserved) 'Deliverance'.
George

Great job establishing the main character's world, and strong characterizations. Everybody you introduce is distinct.
If I was to tinker, I'd say consider writing this in past instead of present tense. I'm not even sure why, because it seems like present tense would give it all a sense of immediacy, but I know it sounds better to me for some reason to write it in past tense. (I.e. I slammed my hand instead of I slam my hand). But that could just be me. You're a good story teller. Show them how it's done!
Best of luck with this.
Tod
And if you have any interest in kids' literature, please take a look at my novel at
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink

Ketzzy, In number 2) I'd say in the 2nd paragraph...of school; or of (our) school, as the word (my) is repeated next few words later.
Possibly consider ...through my mind ( - ) mother is going....
...through the mirror above me (that) H. (is) sitting.... Or ....reveals (something)...above me - H. sitting in the backseat....
Maybe, but not necessary...about school today(;) she had somwhere more important to be.
Up (the) stairs or (upstairs.)
Besides that, it's very good and held my interest.
George K.

Pretty good writing, with minor confusing sentences. The time in the second paragraph is one; The locker (in front of me) should be added; (That's) to be expected from society instead of As. Put on my watchlist and give it five stars. Truely look forward to reading more; I like humor sprinkled into drama.
George