Darkness Visible

Thank you for the read and the comments.

Hi Michael, I read chapter 4. This is an interesting piece to me, I uploaded my first book and wasn't sure what reception I would get, some have said I shouldn't tell people whats happening I should show them. Your style of writing is exactly what they are suggesting, it almost feels like a commentry, where mine feels like a news report. It's hard to get it right and I am not sure what's best, yours works for you but I am not sure I could do it.
You story appears to be well thought out and structured, your characters are strong and I love interactions. I love 'lost time ' in a story as well so it gets me asking questions which I like. You have put a lot of work in here and I am sure you will find an audience, well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

Hi Michael, I read chapter 4. This is an interesting piece to me, I uploaded my first book and wasn't sure what reception I would get, some have said I shouldn't tell people whats happening I should show them. Your style of writing is exactly what they are suggesting, it almost feels like a commentry, where mine feels like a news report. It's hard to get it right and I am not sure what's best, yours works for you but I am not sure I could do it.
You story appears to be well thought out and structured, your characters are strong and I love interactions. I love 'lost time ' in a story as well so it gets me asking questions which I like. You have put a lot of work in here and I am sure you will find an audience, well done.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

1) when Michael and Jeana escape - I don't feel there's enough build up to it. It catches you off-guard - but too much so - and it feels abrupt that they seem to escape so easily, but are then swept away by the current. I'd like a bit more explanation about how kids don't always do that, if that's the case.
2) I've pretended that I haven't read your first draft, and therefore don't know all the backstory to the Facilities and the Auction. That's fine, because I've only read 5 chapters. It's just that I hole you will explain it at some point (I may have missed it?)

Thank you for the reread. I agree that the part where they are taken by the current is too unexpected and needs some foreshadowing. I'll be sure to work in a brief explanation of why other kids don't do that as well.

I am including the history in the next chapter uploaded. I will be curious to know if it's a satisfactory explanation and properly placed. Thank you.

My eyes keep tripping over Jeana's name, wanting to make it Jenna which paints a fuller picture for me personally.

I will also recommend this to a friend and reader of SF on the site.

Thank you. I am considering name changes, and will take your comment into account. Thank you for recommending me.

Hey Michael,
I've re-read the first five chapters. Your writing is great. There's a certain ton that I'm having trouble describing, but it's extremely evocative - without trying to be. It's truly fantastic. You've done a lot of work with snipping and cutting and laying it all out, and there's honestly little I have to tell you to improve it. There's just a couple of things I can think of.
1) when Michael and Jeana escape - I don't feel there's enough build up to it. It catches you off-guard - but too much so - and it feels abrupt that they seem to escape so easily, but are then swept away by the current. I'd like a bit more explanation about how kids don't always do that, if that's the case.
2) I've pretended that I haven't read your first draft, and therefore don't know all the backstory to the Facilities and the Auction. That's fine, because I've only read 5 chapters. It's just that I hole you will explain it at some point (I may have missed it?)
For now, you're going back on my WL.
E

Hi Michael,
I read Chapter 2 tonight--this is good stuff. I almost never follow up in email, too busy, so I'm forced to put some suggestions here:
I already commented on Chapter 1, so in Chapter 2:
put a comma, not a period, after the dialogue "Stand here."
My eyes keep tripping over Jeana's name, wanting to make it Jenna which paints a fuller picture for me personally.
put comma, not period, after dialogue "Thank you."
"that troll the early-year Auctions" would read better if you said "that troll from the early-year auctions."

While I feel this already good enough to be published, I'm giving the novel five stars now, but with one more edit and some further development toward the end of Chapter 1, I believe you could achieve perfect science fiction, as I am already fond of the characters and the world you've placed them in, and do want to read more. I'll keep this on my WL for a while and keep an eye out. I will also recommend this to a friend and reader of SF on the site.
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Only nitpick was I felt you covered the staging of the Auction toward the end of Chapter 1 a little too casually, almost in rushed fashion.

Thank you, I'll take a look at that part again, and consider revisions.

Hi Michael,
I read the first chapter. Not only is the writing solid, but the action moves nicely and I am intrigued by what's going to happen next. I will read more, hopefully tomorrow night, and star accordingly. Only nitpick was I felt you covered the staging of the Auction toward the end of Chapter 1 a little too casually, almost in rushed fashion. The Chumming scene is excellent and terrifying--what was in the water, sharks? Eek--I just had a nightmare last week about getting stalked by a bull shark.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Darkness Visible:
New chapter 1!
Incredible opening. It's really devastating and beautifully written.

raven black hair - tiny nit-pick; probably just raven hair will be fine

Overall, I feel like perhaps you've been almost too vigilant in removing the details. They don't need to be long, but subtle details can be like dropping clues or painting a theme without speaking it, if that makes sense. Tiny things like the pill on his plate will engender intrigue and questioning. A short description of the meal itself would emphasise the controlling, utilitarian nature of the place. In his recollection of the questioning, I'd like to feel a sense of worsening anxiety as professors choose other students, and more specifically, pass over him, until Shield chooses him - this will justify West's deep attachment to Shield. Otherwise, chapter 1 is concise, and the writing is evocative and poignant. It begs questions, which is good - as I want to know more about, well.... Everything! I'm impressed at how well you've cut it down.
Chapter 2:
Whoops - just a typo i’ve stopped blinking (I should be capitalised)

Okay, otherwise, I've gone through the first 3 chapters, and again, your writing is beautiful and emotive. I'm really enjoying it, and the tone itself makes me care for West and want to keep reading. You have a smooth, simplistic and highly effective way of conveying emotions that genuinely makes me feel. Now, if I pretended that I hadn't read before, I might be confused about the auction and the Facility. I'm not completely sure what's going on, and I wonder if there can't be a little more explanation. Mostly, I'm a bit unclear about the outcome of the Auction for Jeana and West - why did they stick around after the auction? What does it mean to have a reserve not met? Also - why are children being auctioned off? These might be points I might have missed, or will be explained later, so I guess we'll see.

Hope this helps! Let me know if I missed anything that I was unclear about. I look forward to reading more of this one.
Ellie

Thank you for the read. Be patient as I return the favor.

This is really grim story. Yet is has a good flow of words and development.
The characters form very well and come to life as they are faced with hardships.
In ways it is hard to read, but only because the story itself is sad and eerie at times.
Otherwise I think you have done a great job. Not much else to say than good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is really grim story. Yet is has a good flow of words and development.
The characters form very well and come to life as they are faced with hardships.
In ways it is hard to read, but only because the story itself is sad and eerie at times.
Otherwise I think you have done a great job. Not much else to say than good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Thank you so much. I am making major revisions now, as my wife helps me identify the many errors in my POV. Thank you. I will return the favor. Please be patient.

SF42/YARG

Hi Michael,

Your story sounded interesting, so I thought I’d read a few chapters. I ended up reading all that you’ve got uploaded and really enjoyed it.

Below are my chapter-by-chapter notes as I went along, as well as a few more general comments. They’re all just my opinion, so use what works for you and ignore the rest.

Ch 1

1) ‘a score from one to three.’
You mention these scores, therefore it has to be assumed they’re important, but then you don’t mention what score he gets that day.

2) ‘of this underwater Facility’
‘this’ makes it sound as though they move from Facility to Facility and they’ve not been her long. Is that what you were trying to convey? Just think of it like a school. Would this work if you were describing a school in our world?

3) ‘I went to far’
‘to’ should be ‘too’

4) ‘He pauses for’
Everything so far has been in the past tense, so this should be ‘He paused for’

5) ‘What he is saying and what I’m hearing are two different things.’
How would he know this? He can only know what he’s hearing. This sort of commentary isn’t something that works with first person POV. It would be better here to use a stream-of-consciousness irrational rationalisation from West to show that he translates Shield’s words differently from what Shield means.

6) ‘Jeanna and I still share’
I thought she was ‘Jeana’

7) ‘the chumming three years ago, I can’t’
You’ve used a capital ‘c’ for ‘chumming’ every other time.

8) ‘for oneself and their family’
this should be ‘for oneself and one’s family’. ‘their’ is plural, so it can’t apply to ‘oneself’

9) ‘Amharets, however’
Are they ‘Amharets’ or ‘Amharats’?

10) ‘Time has passed and the system has stayed, for longer than our history books now tell.’
If the system has been around for longer than the history books now tell, then how would he know what had existed before?

Ch 2

1) ‘i’ve stopped blinking’
capital ‘i’ for ‘I’ve’

2) ‘me and the other candidates’
this should be ‘the other candidates and I’

3) ‘The Auctioneer says’
small ‘t’ for ‘the’

4) ‘I am mumbling something.’
Again, this doesn’t work with first person POV. He’s doing the mumbling, so he must know what he’s mumbling. You could, however, say something like, ‘I mumble under my breath.’ That would work fine, as in this instance he makes no attempt to say what he it is he’s mumbling.

5) ‘though she finished.’
Should be ‘though she’s finished.’

Great finish

Ch 3

Great chapter.

Ch 4

1) ‘low and sombering.’
‘sombre’ isn’t a verb – it’s an adjective – so you can’t have ‘sombering’. Just say, ‘low and sombre.’

2) ‘chill tremors through my body’
again, ‘tremor’ isn’t a verb – it’s a noun – so you can’t have ‘tremors through my body’. Maybe say, ‘chill vibrates through my body’ or ‘chill reverberates through my body’ or something.

3) ‘They stopped to see’
should be ‘They’d stopped to see’ as they’ve already stopped.

4) ‘jacket are are laying’
remove one ‘are’

5) ‘can taste the sour vinegar over the cucumbers’
If the food he’s eaten all his life is processed, how does he know it’s vinegar he can taste?

6) ‘shadow over her and I’
‘I’ is incorrect here. This should be ‘shadow over me and her’ to be grammatically correct, but it might sound better to say, ‘shadow over us’.

7) ‘I feel guilty being served.’
This must all be so strange and different; not something he’s ever experienced before. Would he really feel guilty? Maybe uncomfortable, but why guilty?

8) ‘I begin to feel bad for them’
Do they have cats as pets at the Facility? If they don’t, he’s not likely to feel bad for them when she starts chasing them round.

9) ‘are they amharats’
Doesn’t ‘amharats’ have a capital letter?

10) ‘He walks me through the order of obstacles of then goes through himself.’
Should this be, ‘He walks me through the order of obstacles then goes through himself.’?

11) ‘still breathing heavy’
this should be ‘still breathing heavily’ as you’re describing the verb, so you need to use the adverb rather than the adjective.

12) ‘just a shadow’
capital ‘j’ for ‘just’

13) ‘that I turned toward it’
should be ‘that I’ve turned toward it’ as he’s already turned.

Ch 5

1) ‘I’ve never drank alcohol’
should be ‘I’ve never drunk alcohol’

2) ‘assume you’re not drinking Cadalin’
comma after ‘drinking’ otherwise it sounds like, ‘I assume you’re not drinking lemonade’

3) ‘I take a drink.’
He’s never had alcohol before. Wouldn’t he pause to catalogue the taste? Is it tart? Is it sweet? Is it like anything else he’s ever had before?

4) ‘a lightness in head’
should be ‘a lightness in my head’ or ‘a lightness in the head’

5) ‘Hatch is out at in’
remove either ‘out at’ or ‘in’

6) ‘so there’s more than one of them. Wonderful.’
But he knows this. When they were arguing the night before, Cadalin and Hatch kept talking about ‘they’ and ‘them’ being gone.

7) ‘make us far to human’
‘to’ should be ‘too’

8) ‘Stand still still’
remove one ‘still’

9) ‘seems to take take on’
remove one ‘take’

10) ‘the texture whatever surrounds it’
should be ‘the texture of whatever surrounds it’

11) ‘eighth year at his facility’
shouldn’t ‘facility’ have a capital ‘f’?

12) ‘lays chair cushions and pillows’
remove ‘chair’. It’s not really necessary.

13) ‘Jeana and I lay unable to sleep’
this would be better as, ‘Jeana and I lie there, unable to sleep’

14) ‘She was looking at me’
this should be ‘She is looking at me’ (or he has to say, ‘I caught Jeana’s eye’ in the sentence before)

15) ‘accellerates’
should be ‘accelerates’

16) ‘the only open window’
why is there an open window? It would be much more sensible to shut it.

17) ‘But he’s a long way away’
Then how did Kettle manage to run and get him and Hatch so easily to help with West when he first washed up there?

18) ‘amharats and facilities’
most of the time these start with a capital, but sometimes they don’t. it would pay to go through your manuscript and make them all consistent.

19) ‘The army places most new amharats…’
How does he know this? How would such information get back to him, at a Facility?

20) ‘back down to watchers’
should be ‘back down to the watchers’

21) ‘Kettle plays with the cat’
I thought there were two?

22) ‘she’s moved the’
capital ‘s’ for ‘she’

23) ‘They are are watching’
remove one ‘are’

24) ‘my lashes are pressed against one them’
remove either ‘one’ or ‘them’ – or say ‘one of them’

25) ‘around my waste’
‘waste’ should be ‘waist’


This is a great story. You have a beautifully mysterious plot here, with wonderful hooks at the ends of the chapters. It really makes me want to keep reading – except there’s nothing more to read. If the rest of the story continues as this has then it’s guaranteed to keep kids’ attentions and have them reading right through to the end of the book. Well done.

I think the biggest things you need to be wary of are;

1) Point-of-view. Occasionally, as I’ve pointed out a few times, you relate things that are unrealistic, or plainly impossible, given that you are using first-person present tense. If it’s not something you could, or would, do, here and now, then it’s not something your protagonist could, or would, do.

2) Things what your protagonist would or wouldn’t know. Perhaps I haven’t got a clear enough idea of your world, but if he’s grown up in institutions from three months after his birth then it seems to me there would be a lot of things he wouldn’t have experienced as well as many things he wouldn’t know. The army is a good example. It’s not like our modern world where people can choose to both join the army and leave it – and where we can contact people outside the army, including the media, so the rest of the world has an idea of what happens there. The army kills people, so it is in their best interest, in West’s world, not to let outsiders know what happens there. So I would think they would make sure that the kids in the Facilities (which is where they recruit from) would have no idea what would happen to them if they joined. This is a world without choices, so the need for an understanding of what goes on would seem non-existent. And who could tell them? If everyone is picked by a Bidder for their one particular job, then they would have no understanding of what happens anywhere else – especially as they only mix with others in their area and they have no families to go home and talk to who might work in other areas.

3) He also seems to know a lot about the way the world worked in our time, but I’ve already talked about that.

That’s all, really. This is a great story and I really enjoyed reading it. All the best with it.

Sue

Thank you. The establishment of setting and character in an opening paragraph is so difficult. I know I'm not finished with the opening, but I'm glad to know I'm going forward instead of backsliding.

That's four complete rewrites of the opening this week! so tired.

Your rewrite on the first chapter is a big improvement. Better and more interesting visuals. Keep up the good work. I just spent over an hour talking to someone who has read my book and was giving me a long list of suggestions. He reminded me how much rewriting goes into a book.

Your rewrite on the first chapter is a big improvement. Better and more interesting visuals. Keep up the good work. I just spent over an hour talking to someone who has read my book and was giving me a long list of suggestions. He reminded me how much rewriting goes into a book.

Thank you for the read and critique. I have spent the past three hours rewriting the opening. I highly value any time you can spend revisiting the opening, even if it's only to critique the first sentence. I will be returning the favor of course.

The first chapter is very import. The first paragraph is very important. The first line of tyhe book that opens the reader to your world is the most important part, because if they don't like that they will not read the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book. The plot may be a good idead if you round it out. I would starty from scratch. Pick ou the line that brings the reader into your book and go from there. I won't rate this until you have a chance to go back to revisit it. You have a good idea. Just tell it better. Writing is just telling a good story. Give me a shout if you go over this.

The first chapter is very import. The first paragraph is very important. The first line of tyhe book that opens the reader to your world is the most important part, because if they don't like that they will not read the rest of the chapter, much less the rest of the book. The plot may be a good idead if you round it out. I would starty from scratch. Pick ou the line that brings the reader into your book and go from there. I won't rate this until you have a chance to go back to revisit it. You have a good idea. Just tell it better. Writing is just telling a good story. Give me a shout if you go over this.

Thank you for your critique. It is very useful. I have revised all of Chapter 1 in response. It is the most important and most difficult chapter, because as you say, if it's not well written, the rest of the book will never be read. I will return the favor with a review of your book as well. Please be patient with me. If you feel the desire to look at the revised chapter, please feel free. I really value critique.

SF42 Review:
Michael what a gripping story – I read all you have uploaded. I do confess to having difficulty with Chapter One. I was a bit lost trying to understand the stage that was being set. The change you made to the first paragraph does a lot to help me understand what first have me questioning. The story line seems a bit choppy and transitions do not flow well. If I were picking this book up in a store and reading the first paragraphs of the first chapter I don’t think I would be convinced to give it a go.

That would really be too bad because the next nine chapters are very tightly put together. I do feel that Shields needs a little bit more development to convince me of his level of sacrifice for what is obviously a week West. Both in Chapter One and subsequently I am not quite convinced of Shield even though I know that his name speaks for what his role is. At least that is how I take it.

Time continuity caused me a little bit of confusion because of the way the voice uses phrases like “What we know as” and “which we now call” and then state that it was so long ago even the history books don’t record the beginning of the development of the present society. I think the first person plural is what throws me off. I also am confused about his time at the school between Chapter one and two. Chapter two clears it up well.

The book is easy to read and pulled me along. The narrative is brisk. The descriptive passages paint a good and detailed image for someone that has a24/7 movie in his head as I do. Even a less visually driven reader can see the Pool and Auction Room. That the school in underwater and yet has waves in it ocean pool is inventive. The chumming scene is intense and required a re-read for me to appreciate it. I like dialogue and sort of wish I could know more of West through his dialogue. He has almost no interaction with any of the other boys or Professors except for the reaction of others when he screams out at the Clearance Auction when Shields in on the Block. I am left wondering why he has such strength in the later chapters. Once discovered on the beach, West shows some strong determination not characteristic of “Weak. Pathetic. Worthless”.

I realize the book is not complete and that you have left us desperately hanging at the end of Chapter Ten just as the main bad guy shows up, but just a bit more foreboding might be hinted at while Jeana is being sought and after she is found. I could not help but think of the classic story “The Most Dangerous Game” as I tried to find a place for the family or group in the mansion. Is this a modern day Hansel and Gretel? Is this idealistic environment a too good to be true haven actually a trap of some devils? I want to know more.

SF42 Review:
Michael what a gripping story – I read all you have uploaded. I do confess to having difficulty with Chapter One. I was a bit lost trying to understand the stage that was being set. The change you made to the first paragraph does a lot to help me understand what first have me questioning. The story line seems a bit choppy and transitions do not flow well. If I were picking this book up in a store and reading the first paragraphs of the first chapter I don’t think I would be convinced to give it a go.

That would really be too bad because the next nine chapters are very tightly put together. I do feel that Shields needs a little bit more development to convince me of his level of sacrifice for what is obviously a week West. Both in Chapter One and subsequently I am not quite convinced of Shield even though I know that his name speaks for what his role is. At least that is how I take it.

Time continuity caused me a little bit of confusion because of the way the voice uses phrases like “What we know as” and “which we now call” and then state that it was so long ago even the history books don’t record the beginning of the development of the present society. I think the first person plural is what throws me off. I also am confused about his time at the school between Chapter one and two. Chapter two clears it up well.

The book is easy to read and pulled me along. The narrative is brisk. The descriptive passages paint a good and detailed image for someone that has a24/7 movie in his head as I do. Even a less visually driven reader can see the Pool and Auction Room. That the school in underwater and yet has waves in it ocean pool is inventive. The chumming scene is intense and required a re-read for me to appreciate it. I like dialogue and sort of wish I could know more of West through his dialogue. He has almost no interaction with any of the other boys or Professors except for the reaction of others when he screams out at the Clearance Auction when Shields in on the Block. I am left wondering why he has such strength in the later chapters. Once discovered on the beach, West shows some strong determination not characteristic of “Weak. Pathetic. Worthless”.

I realize the book is not complete and that you have left us desperately hanging at the end of Chapter Ten just as the main bad guy shows up, but just a bit more foreboding might be hinted at while Jeana is being sought and after she is found. I could not help but think of the classic story “The Most Dangerous Game” as I tried to find a place for the family or group in the mansion. Is this a modern day Hansel and Gretel? Is this idealistic environment a too good to be true haven actually a trap of some devils? I want to know more.

Thank you for reading. I have adjusted the opening paragraph since you read it so that its a little more clear that the students are in an unloving environment.

Look for my review within the week. I look forward to more response from you.

{YARG review}

Michael,

I have read the first chapter of your book and I must say it's very intriguing. The students seem like normal students, and yet they end up getting auctioned off and I wonder why. Are they sold as slaves? I like your main character, and I love the connection he has with his mentor. It is so natural for someone so young to want to copy the person they look up to, and you captured that perfectly.

I got shivers when I read the line about the students you didn't get picked by the teachers, and went off the stage to never be seen again.

I will read some more for sure and place this on my WL. Highly starred! :)

Racheal

{YARG review}

Michael,

I have read the first chapter of your book and I must say it's very intriguing. The students seem like normal students, and yet they end up getting auctioned off and I wonder why. Are they sold as slaves? I like your main character, and I love the connection he has with his mentor. It is so natural for someone so young to want to copy the person they look up to, and you captured that perfectly.

I got shivers when I read the line about the students you didn't get picked by the teachers, and went off the stage to never be seen again.

I will read some more for sure and place this on my WL. Highly starred! :)

Racheal

Thank you. I have posted many revisions now, based on responses.

My review of your book is coming, please be patient.

YARG review...

The opening chapter really sets the book up for a frightening and exciting story and, coupled with the excellent pitch that really got me interested, there's no reason why people won't read on from here.

It has a cold, frightening vibe to it in the early stages, which really hooked me. The strenuous regimentation and threat of not eating for the day are dystopian and chilling but also some how believable in a futuristic world, or a close alternative to our own.

I'm trying to decide if there is too much background information in the first chapter that might put people off- it didn't stop me reading in this instance, so maybe I'm wrong, but you bring a lot of information that could possibly be filtered in throughout the first few opening chapters instead of just the first. I think that just comes down to personal preference, as I always like to leave out background info. until as late as possible.

There's a lot that happens in this short opening chapter, describing the ordered and regimented day, and it felt a little blurred at first, but this actually seems like a strength and made it fresh and pulled me along.

There were a lot of names thrown at the reader in quick succession- Guardian, Cradle, Breeders, facility, Amharats- and by the end of the chapter I'm not sure how much stuck with me upon reading it only once. Again, that might be just a thing of personal preference, but I would drip this information in a little bit at a time and give the reader the chance to digest each new thing.

The only other tiny thing was a colloquialism that didn't seem to fit in- 'Well, we sort of know what they do'. The rest of it seemed to have a more formal voice which worked well with the strict lifestyle, and this just kind of stuck out a little bit.

Other than those small things, I think this is excellent and I am certainly going to read on.

All the best with it,

Jordan.

Thank you for the review, I've made many revisions based on feedback.

I would love to do a chapter swap and have placed your book on my WL. Please be patient with me as I return the favor. Expect a review within the next few days.

YARG review:

This had me from the start with the brilliant pitch, which seems to combine horror, fantasy and dystopia. The opening with West's regimented life within the 'facility' constantly threatened by slavery and death in the pool creates a dark, nightmareish dystopian atmosphere. The use of the first person present tense makes your writing more gripping and will doubtless keep readers turning the pages.

I really like the way you portray West's relationship with Jeanna, and the way they trust and support one another. You have a talent for making the reader feel what West does, for instance when we see his horror and revulsion at the shocking treatment of Shield, and his breakdown afterwards. The narrative is well-paced with a good balance of dialogue and description.

This is a fantastic, chilling read, gripping and completely absorbing. I only intended to read the first couple of chapters, but I ended up reading everything you uploaded. I'd be happy to do a chapter-by-chapter swap as I'm keen to read more of this. Six stars, and I'm sure this'll do very well!

Emma

UPDATE:

I have added a new chapter, The Watcher.

REVISIONS:

Chapter 1: Dialogue added, history reduced and moved elsewhere, details cut.

Chapter 2: Rewrite of The Chumming scene to add more impact

Chapter 3: Complete rewrite of the Auction so as to make it less melodramatic

Chapter 4: minor edits to Jeana and West's interactions

Chapter 5: Complete rewrite so as to add more of an emotional hit.

Chapter 6: Deleted the dream sequence and replaced with more concrete imagery.

Chapter 7: No more Rip in the water. Now it's just a current. More concrete, less abstract.

Chapter 8: Shorter, more believable.

YARG review:

This had me from the start with the brilliant pitch, which seems to combine horror, fantasy and dystopia. The opening with West's regimented life within the 'facility' constantly threatened by slavery and death in the pool creates a dark, nightmareish dystopian atmosphere. The use of the first person present tense makes your writing more gripping and will doubtless keep readers turning the pages.

I really like the way you portray West's relationship with Jeanna, and the way they trust and support one another. You have a talent for making the reader feel what West does, for instance when we see his horror and revulsion at the shocking treatment of Shield, and his breakdown afterwards. The narrative is well-paced with a good balance of dialogue and description.

This is a fantastic, chilling read, gripping and completely absorbing. I only intended to read the first couple of chapters, but I ended up reading everything you uploaded. I'd be happy to do a chapter-by-chapter swap as I'm keen to read more of this. Six stars, and I'm sure this'll do very well!

Emma

YARG review...

The opening chapter really sets the book up for a frightening and exciting story and, coupled with the excellent pitch that really got me interested, there's no reason why people won't read on from here.

It has a cold, frightening vibe to it in the early stages, which really hooked me. The strenuous regimentation and threat of not eating for the day are dystopian and chilling but also some how believable in a futuristic world, or a close alternative to our own.

I'm trying to decide if there is too much background information in the first chapter that might put people off- it didn't stop me reading in this instance, so maybe I'm wrong, but you bring a lot of information that could possibly be filtered in throughout the first few opening chapters instead of just the first. I think that just comes down to personal preference, as I always like to leave out background info. until as late as possible.

There's a lot that happens in this short opening chapter, describing the ordered and regimented day, and it felt a little blurred at first, but this actually seems like a strength and made it fresh and pulled me along.

There were a lot of names thrown at the reader in quick succession- Guardian, Cradle, Breeders, facility, Amharats- and by the end of the chapter I'm not sure how much stuck with me upon reading it only once. Again, that might be just a thing of personal preference, but I would drip this information in a little bit at a time and give the reader the chance to digest each new thing.

The only other tiny thing was a colloquialism that didn't seem to fit in- 'Well, we sort of know what they do'. The rest of it seemed to have a more formal voice which worked well with the strict lifestyle, and this just kind of stuck out a little bit.

Other than those small things, I think this is excellent and I am certainly going to read on.

All the best with it,

Jordan.

Thank you for the review. I have taken your suggestions and implemented them. I am interested in a Chapter swap, but please be patient as I'm still finishing this first draft and revisions of Darkness Visible. Thank you for your help.

YARG/SF42:

I've only just begun, but already this has a marvellously dystopian feel to it. From the potentially punishing morning inspection to the bizarre breakfast chant to the cold, controlling new method of raising children in Cradles and then Facilities... And the auctioning them off  - its fascinating how the world has become two classes of citizens.  I think you're setting up a fascinating scenario about the dangers of micromanaging and 'ranking' children, and how far that notion could go. 
Anyway, just a few thoughts for you from the first couple of chapters (there's really not much to say!):
Chapter 1:
"Her hair is her own" - so much is hinted and intriguing about this fabulous, simple sentence. Well done!
This pod/this wide, steel corridor - feels a bit too colloquial, and in the latter, 'this' makes it feel almost as though you're unfamiliar with it. I'd change it to 'the' pod/'a' wide, steel corridor
Then there is lunch - this feels a bit awkward. It might work better as - Then its time for lunch.
Shield is the only man in my life that I respect. - this sentence might feel a bit more mature/powerful as "Shield is the only man I respect"
As a broader thought - you give a LOT of explanation in this first chapter. There's nothing wrong with it, but it might be worthwhile to cut it down a bit and decide "what do they need to know NOW, and what can I save for later info?" - you need to maintain tension by infusing info slowly.
Otherwise, good start! I'm interested. 
Chapter 2:
I am 100% stoked that you have a main character who struggles with depression. Way to go! It's not done often enough.
Your main character is sensitive, self-conscious, and seems to have low self-esteem. This is a bold move, and totally refreshing. I like it! I think the way you've painted West's emotional struggle in chapter 2 is fairly accurate, and quite wrenching. Again, well done.
The Chumming is horrific, and well-written. That said,  I think it could be improved with a little bit more emotive diction (and this is a pretty rare thing for me to say!). 
"she had a yellow bow in her hair." - I think this would be more powerful as a separate sentence.
"I can’t get myself to leave the water" - I think it might work better as "I can't 'bring' myself" 
You explain the fall of the world, and the rising of this dystopia well at the end of chapter 2. You've obviously thought carefully about the story world you've created. 
Highly starred, and  if you're up for it, I'd be happy to chapter swap - it would be fun to read more of this. 
Ellie
Paragon

YARG/SF42:

I've only just begun, but already this has a marvellously dystopian feel to it. From the potentially punishing morning inspection to the bizarre breakfast chant to the cold, controlling new method of raising children in Cradles and then Facilities... And the auctioning them off  - its fascinating how the world has become two classes of citizens.  I think you're setting up a fascinating scenario about the dangers of micromanaging and 'ranking' children, and how far that notion could go. 
Anyway, just a few thoughts for you from the first couple of chapters (there's really not much to say!):
Chapter 1:
"Her hair is her own" - so much is hinted and intriguing about this fabulous, simple sentence. Well done!
This pod/this wide, steel corridor - feels a bit too colloquial, and in the latter, 'this' makes it feel almost as though you're unfamiliar with it. I'd change it to 'the' pod/'a' wide, steel corridor
Then there is lunch - this feels a bit awkward. It might work better as - Then its time for lunch.
Shield is the only man in my life that I respect. - this sentence might feel a bit more mature/powerful as "Shield is the only man I respect"
As a broader thought - you give a LOT of explanation in this first chapter. There's nothing wrong with it, but it might be worthwhile to cut it down a bit and decide "what do they need to know NOW, and what can I save for later info?" - you need to maintain tension by infusing info slowly.
Otherwise, good start! I'm interested. 
Chapter 2:
I am 100% stoked that you have a main character who struggles with depression. Way to go! It's not done often enough.
Your main character is sensitive, self-conscious, and seems to have low self-esteem. This is a bold move, and totally refreshing. I like it! I think the way you've painted West's emotional struggle in chapter 2 is fairly accurate, and quite wrenching. Again, well done.
The Chumming is horrific, and well-written. That said,  I think it could be improved with a little bit more emotive diction (and this is a pretty rare thing for me to say!). 
"she had a yellow bow in her hair." - I think this would be more powerful as a separate sentence.
"I can’t get myself to leave the water" - I think it might work better as "I can't 'bring' myself" 
You explain the fall of the world, and the rising of this dystopia well at the end of chapter 2. You've obviously thought carefully about the story world you've created. 
Highly starred, and  if you're up for it, I'd be happy to chapter swap - it would be fun to read more of this. 
Ellie
Paragon

That means a lot. Thank you.

What a terrifying and entirely believable world you have created. Very well done indeed. To be backed, Marj.

What a terrifying and entirely believable world you have created. Very well done indeed. To be backed, Marj.

Thank you for the review. I noticed it, and have made changes to my draft since, though there are still errors for me to fix. I am looking forward to returning the favor within the week. Thank you.

Hello Michael Gray,


I have read chapters. 1 & 2 of “ Darkness Visible.”

You have successfully created a weird world where the babies are taken , from the ‘breeders’three months after the nursing period , to ‘the Cradle’ and reared there till the age of thirteen when they commence their education at ‘the Facility’ for the next three to eight years before coming under the hammer for the auction.

Although I am yet to find any ‘ sci’ element in the story (i.e; by the end of ch.2) ,you seem to have a very good fantasy in the making for the hungry readers of the genre.
I hope the tale would have more futuristic and innovative concepts as it slowly unfolds .

A couple of things I noticed follow:-
#In ch.1: Jeana and * have the same focus ,so we….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘I’ missing)
#‘amharats’ &’ nefarins’ could have been italicized .
# Oh, no, I went TO far>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘too’?)
#In ch.2 ,Check the spelling of JeaNNa>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(two NN for Jeana)

[I had never been an avid reader of sci-fi(I am still in the world of Jules Verne , H.G.Wells,and ,of course, Mary Shelley ,when it comes to sci-fi,).But from whatever I have , I feel any sc-fi worth its name should postulate/expostulate an idea.It must propound a new theory.

Is sc-fi all about the one-man-army saving the the world from aliens? Is it only about strange high-tech contraptions and VFX? I think it is also about the question of where we ,as human beings, are headed to.]

Your writing style and descriptions are indicative of a fresh mind eager to conjure up a totally different milieu from an entirely strange vantage point.

Your characters remain human to the core, the technologically advanced society they dwell in notwithstanding.
5 stars for this brilliant work .

Keep writing ,keep reinventing yourself.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

Update:

I have edited and updated chapters one through eight in response to the many helpful critiques I have received. I have also added Chapter nine: The First Dinner. Enjoy, and keep reading.

Just read chapter one. Great start! Intriguing and well written. I wouldn't mind getting to some dialog a bit sooner, but once it arrived it was all well done. Best of luck with this!
If you're entertained by Kids' Lit, you are invited to check out my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Here's my promised read. Hope you'll return the favour.


CHAPTER 1

Opening sentence – there’s a lot of elements in this sentence: “morning bell”, “metal halls”, “wing containing the sleeping quarters”. Splitting this sentence up might give you a more dramatic beginning. This is just a start –> “The metal bell blares. Its sound echoes through the metal walls of the wing containing the sleeping quarters.’

“When I’m done squaring the corners…” – similar to the last sentence “By the time it’s done…”. Try not to have sentences close by with similar beginnings. –> “By the time I am finished squaring the corners I climb down from my bunk…”

“dull thud as I land” – take this or leave this, but “thud” is an onomatopoeia and usually italicized.

“All the guy’s uniforms” – “guys” is plural so the apostrophe must follow the “s”. –> “All the guys’ uniforms”

“10 minutes” – why the numerical? –> “I have ten minutes”

“The only choice we have is whether or not to wear socks, most of us go without, just because we can”. – in place of the first comma, put a full-stop. This sentence needs breaking up. –> “The only choice we have is whether or not to wear socks. Most of us go without, just because we can.”

“A score of 1 has severe penalties” –> “carries severe penalties” ?

“A score of three means you can.” – stay consistent. You had numbers for the other scores (1, 2), but I think they should all follow this convention. “A score of one… A score of two… A score of three…”

“A girl’s pod” – you mean a *single* girl or a group of girls? The latter, I assume. If plural, the “s” must follow the apostrophe. –> “A girls’ pod.”

“7000 students” – WHY the numericals? –> “seven thousand students”

“wordlessly sit” – change the order of these words. –> “sit wordlessly”

“I sit at mine. A breakfast tray sits in front of us. Chaz sits at the head of our old metal table.” – see what you have three? Three short sentences each containing the verb “sit”. Vary, be creative. “I sit at mine. A breakfast tray lies in front of us. Chaz plums down at the end of our old metal table.”

No dialogue? You need to balance this scene out with dialogue.

“all shout ‘dismissed!’” – “dismissed” should start with a capital. –> “all shout: ‘Dismissed!’ at the same time.’”

“An eruption of voices bounces around the room” – I like “eruption of voices” but am not too sure about “bounces”. –> how about “A clamour of voices erupts around the room but quickly fades, as all students head to their first class.”

“I am the last one in the room”. – lose “in the room”. You had the word “room’ in the last sentence, this is word repetition. –> “I am the last one sitting” or “I am left alone” or “I stay behind”. Something along those lines.

“30 seconds” –> “thirty seconds”

“My 30 seconds is up” – you’ve had three repetitions of “30 seconds”. –> “My time is up”

“The consequence for being late” – “of” instead of “for” ? –> “The consequence of being late”. Or how about “The consequence for tardiness”

“Each professor has a title, chosen by the professors themselves.” – you slip between single and plural here. –> “Each professor has a title, chosen by the professor himself.”

“the meanings behind the name” –> “the name’s meaning” ?

“they are often self-explanatory.” – “they” is plural, “the name” is single. –> “We are never told the meaning behind the name, but it is often self-explanatory.”

“zoomed out” – needs hyphen. –> “zoomed-out”

“different focuses. My focus is Psychology.” – to avoid word repetition: –> “different focuses. Mine is Psychology.”

“5th year”, “eighth year” (same paragraph) – need to stay consistent! I’d have “fifth year”, “eighth year”

“request to be seated” –> “ask to be seated” ? Why “request”?

“She wears the same uniform as all the other girls” – lose “all”. –> “She wears the same uniform as the other girls”.

“wide Navy blue belt” –> “wide navy-blue belt”. There is no reason “Navy” should have a capital letter and the colours need to be hyphenated.

I’m stopping reading here. I’m enjoying the story up to a point, but so far it’s all description, nothing is happened and there has not been a word of dialogue. Lack of dialogue in a chapter isn’t, in itself, a bad thing – I have just read a fantastic opening chapter longer than this without any dialogue, but it was so skillfully written that I was able to overlook that. But if you want to grab a reader’s attention and hold it from the start you need character interaction, things going on. So far you are *telling* us about these characters, but you haven’t *shown* them to us. Characters *show* themselves by how they act and speak.

I know this might sound unkind, but I’m not just sayin’ about the lack of dialogue. I took out my prologue and first chapter, pieces of writing very dear to me, because they had that fault and a lot of Authonomy readers pointed it out to me. You have 500 words at most to gain a reader’s attention (maybe less – some decide whether to read on or leave it at the first paragraph) and this hasn’t succeeded in doing that. There’s nothing “wrong” with your writing (only the little minor things I pointed out above), but you need to get the action moving sooner. Read my opening chapter and see how that’s paced.

It gets better when the dialogue starts, but too late. Two thousand words in!

Hope these suggestions are useful to you and hope you’ll find the time to look at “Tamria”.

James

Thank you for the catches and suggestions. I will be sure to implement them. I look forward to having the polished copy for you to read soon.

Darkness Visable.

This is a brilliant Fantasy Sci Fi book.
Perfect title. Amazing short pitch and long pitch which intrigued me as soon as I read them. Everything about it said it was my kind of book, and I'm not really a sci fi lover.
I don't normally like to write crits, because I like to look at a book as a whole, for its storyline and potential rather than its editing mistakes. But this one, I dont believe has much to make it perfect for the editors desk or for publishing. Please disregard any of the suggestions I make as you choose, because remember it is only my opinion, and I am no expert, and this is your book.
1.The first chapter is well written and very factual, about the daily duties, but as short sentences it wasn't relaxed and didn't flow smoothly. Maybe if you added a few 'ands' or 'buts' or 'thens'. I could do with writing more like you, my sentences are always too long.
2.The sentence 'We pass along and beside the other pods' - 'We passed the other pods' .
3. When writing numbers like 50 etc. I think there's a rule to write them as word e.g 'fifty.'
4.The word 'gotten'. I'm not sure about this word. Is it a word? Maybe American? I've read it a few times on Authonomy. I wondered if in 'gotten out of the water' it might sound better as ' climbed out of the water'. Its up to you. I'm just not keen on the word that's all, it sounds a bit slang.
5. You do have a problem - its only slight, with past and present tenses. I was uncertain at first because I have the same problem.

Chapter two flows much better than chapter one. It reads much more relaxed and the sentences are slightly longer and have the words and, but and then in them frequently.
You have a fantastic story. Its imaginative, its unique and its well written. And like most books on this site there are only a few edits needed to sort out, just to polish it off. I'll put it on my watchlist for future backing.
I wish you good luck.
highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Darkness Visable.

This is a brilliant Fantasy Sci Fi book.
Perfect title. Amazing short pitch and long pitch which intrigued me as soon as I read them. Everything about it said it was my kind of book, and I'm not really a sci fi lover.
I don't normally like to write crits, because I like to look at a book as a whole, for its storyline and potential rather than its editing mistakes. But this one, I dont believe has much to make it perfect for the editors desk or for publishing. Please disregard any of the suggestions I make as you choose, because remember it is only my opinion, and I am no expert, and this is your book.
1.The first chapter is well written and very factual, about the daily duties, but as short sentences it wasn't relaxed and didn't flow smoothly. Maybe if you added a few 'ands' or 'buts' or 'thens'. I could do with writing more like you, my sentences are always too long.
2.The sentence 'We pass along and beside the other pods' - 'We passed the other pods' .
3. When writing numbers like 50 etc. I think there's a rule to write them as word e.g 'fifty.'
4.The word 'gotten'. I'm not sure about this word. Is it a word? Maybe American? I've read it a few times on Authonomy. I wondered if in 'gotten out of the water' it might sound better as ' climbed out of the water'. Its up to you. I'm just not keen on the word that's all, it sounds a bit slang.
5. You do have a problem - its only slight, with past and present tenses. I was uncertain at first because I have the same problem.

Chapter two flows much better than chapter one. It reads much more relaxed and the sentences are slightly longer and have the words and, but and then in them frequently.
You have a fantastic story. Its imaginative, its unique and its well written. And like most books on this site there are only a few edits needed to sort out, just to polish it off. I'll put it on my watchlist for future backing.
I wish you good luck.
highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Darkness Visable.

This is a brilliant Fantasy Sci Fi book.
Perfect title. Amazing short pitch and long pitch which intrigued me as soon as I read them. Everything about it said it was my kind of book, and I'm not really a sci fi lover.
I don't normally like to write crits, because I like to look at a book as a whole, for its storyline and potential rather than its editing mistakes. But this one, I dont believe has much to make it perfect for the editors desk or for publishing. Please disregard any of the suggestions I make as you choose, because remember it is only my opinion, and I am no expert, and this is your book.
1.The first chapter is well written and very factual, about the daily duties, but as short sentences it wasn't relaxed and didn't flow smoothly. Maybe if you added a few 'ands' or 'buts' or 'thens'. I could do with writing more like you, my sentences are always too long.
2.The sentence 'We pass along and beside the other pods' - 'We passed the other pods' .
3. When writing numbers like 50 etc. I think there's a rule to write them as word e.g 'fifty.'
4.The word 'gotten'. I'm not sure about this word. Is it a word? Maybe American? I've read it a few times on Authonomy. I wondered if in 'gotten out of the water' it might sound better as ' climbed out of the water'. Its up to you. I'm just not keen on the word that's all, it sounds a bit slang.
5. You do have a problem - its only slight, with past and present tenses. I was uncertain at first because I have the same problem.

Chapter two flows much better than chapter one. It reads much more relaxed and the sentences are slightly longer and have the words and, but and then in them frequently.
You have a fantastic story. Its imaginative, its unique and its well written. And like most books on this site there are only a few edits needed to sort out, just to polish it off. I'll put it on my watchlist for future backing.
I wish you good luck.
highly starred
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Thank you so much for the read. Please be patient as I work to return the favor. Keep reading. I'll post one new chapter each week until completion.

Darkness Visible.
By Michael Gray.


Fascinating sci-fi story well thought out for maximum impact—excellent.
Everything at the facility is run to perfection by a strict regime of forced learning from a very early age.
Even the pod leaders face a ritual every morning with their five minute chant.
I was intrigued by the complicated pattern of notes required for the chant...very futuristic.
Then there’s the thirty second time limit after the meal to be in class...West takes his time, relishing the personal space for at least a few moments.
The system of upbringing, from a Cradle to being an amharat, ready for auction...you explain this quite well...very chilling!
West takes to, Shield, he looks up to him in a kind of way, tries to fashion himself on him.
I think Shield could turn out to be a friend to West later on, there seems to be some rapport between them—I may be wrong.
A really good sci-fi fantasy, very well written, I must say!
Well starred!...I will be back for more later!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Darkness Visible.
By Michael Gray.


Fascinating sci-fi story well thought out for maximum impact—excellent.
Everything at the facility is run to perfection by a strict regime of forced learning from a very early age.
Even the pod leaders face a ritual every morning with their five minute chant.
I was intrigued by the complicated pattern of notes required for the chant...very futuristic.
Then there’s the thirty second time limit after the meal to be in class...West takes his time, relishing the personal space for at least a few moments.
The system of upbringing, from a Cradle to being an amharat, ready for auction...you explain this quite well...very chilling!
West takes to, Shield, he looks up to him in a kind of way, tries to fashion himself on him.
I think Shield could turn out to be a friend to West later on, there seems to be some rapport between them—I may be wrong.
A really good sci-fi fantasy, very well written, I must say!
Well starred!...I will be back for more later!

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hello Michael Gray,


I have read chapters. 1 & 2 of “ Darkness Visible.”

You have successfully created a weird world where the babies are taken , from the ‘breeders’three months after the nursing period , to ‘the Cradle’ and reared there till the age of thirteen when they commence their education at ‘the Facility’ for the next three to eight years before coming under the hammer for the auction.

Although I am yet to find any ‘ sci’ element in the story (i.e; by the end of ch.2) ,you seem to have a very good fantasy in the making for the hungry readers of the genre.
I hope the tale would have more futuristic and innovative concepts as it slowly unfolds .

A couple of things I noticed follow:-
#In ch.1: Jeana and * have the same focus ,so we….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(‘I’ missing)
#‘amharats’ &’ nefarins’ could have been italicized .
# Oh, no, I went TO far>>>>>>>>>>(you mean ‘too’?)
#In ch.2 ,Check the spelling of JeaNNa>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(two NN for Jeana)

[I had never been an avid reader of sci-fi(I am still in the world of Jules Verne , H.G.Wells,and ,of course, Mary Shelley ,when it comes to sci-fi,).But from whatever I have , I feel any sc-fi worth its name should postulate/expostulate an idea.It must propound a new theory.

Is sc-fi all about the one-man-army saving the the world from aliens? Is it only about strange high-tech contraptions and VFX? I think it is also about the question of where we ,as human beings, are headed to.]

Your writing style and descriptions are indicative of a fresh mind eager to conjure up a totally different milieu from an entirely strange vantage point.

Your characters remain human to the core, the technologically advanced society they dwell in notwithstanding.
5 stars for this brilliant work .

Keep writing ,keep reinventing yourself.

Thx & Rgds
SWORDMUZIC

Thank you for the detailed reading and helpful comments. The Nefarin in the chumming return later in the story. As for West's psychological disorder, I am currently at a standstill whether I will ever name it, or simply have it interrupt his life from time to time. Your thoughts? I am hoping to have the complete novel written within the next 3-6 months. As I post chapters each week, your input would be invaluable to me. Thank you for putting time into my work.

Great plot: West raised in a cradle underwater and then, at age 14 going to the facility in preparation for being auctioned off to unknown bidders. Very imaginative! and certainly unique: two groups of people amharats and bidders.

small typo: "Jeanna and have the same focus" - think you meant, "Jeanna and I have the same focus" ???

Excellent character development: poor Shield, West's teacher and guardian, I really liked him and hope he "reappears" later in your novel. Your main characters, West and Jeanna, are well developed, likeable, and Kettle, Cadalin, Eli, and the other Dovehaven residents piqued my interest immediately. Doveland, itself, is fascinating and I'm eager to read more about it.

I'm not quite sure I see the reason for some components of your story although later chapters will probably explain them: the purpose of West being on antidepressants (although as a psychologist that facet interested me)? the "chumming" in the water, piranhas?

I was fascinated by the idea of the rip in the water (this is something that could be explored further) and of West and Jeanna escaping to Dovehaven. You know what would be really neat and you have the writing skills to do it? Spend a chapter or two on description involving West's exciting discovery of flora and fauna. Really put that great imagination you have into the imagery. I think this would be more interesting than having him almost die once Kettle and Cadalin rescued him. He could find Jeanna in his exploration of the area and then run into kettle and Cadalin.

Michael, you are a very talented person, a marvelous writer. Your pace is wonderful - brisk, crisp storyline which captivates the reader and holds the imagination. Your dialogue is very natural. Your writing is professional and should rise quickly in rank on this site. I hope it goes on to publication because I want to know what happens next! :-) ! Blessings on you and your charming book, Pat

Great plot: West raised in a cradle underwater and then, at age 14 going to the facility in preparation for being auctioned off to unknown bidders. Very imaginative! and certainly unique: two groups of people amharats and bidders.

small typo: "Jeanna and have the same focus" - think you meant, "Jeanna and I have the same focus" ???

Excellent character development: poor Shield, West's teacher and guardian, I really liked him and hope he "reappears" later in your novel. Your main characters, West and Jeanna, are well developed, likeable, and Kettle, Cadalin, Eli, and the other Dovehaven residents piqued my interest immediately. Doveland, itself, is fascinating and I'm eager to read more about it.

I'm not quite sure I see the reason for some components of your story although later chapters will probably explain them: the purpose of West being on antidepressants (although as a psychologist that facet interested me)? the "chumming" in the water, piranhas?

I was fascinated by the idea of the rip in the water (this is something that could be explored further) and of West and Jeanna escaping to Dovehaven. You know what would be really neat and you have the writing skills to do it? Spend a chapter or two on description involving West's exciting discovery of flora and fauna. Really put that great imagination you have into the imagery. I think this would be more interesting than having him almost die once Kettle and Cadalin rescued him. He could find Jeanna in his exploration of the area and then run into kettle and Cadalin.

Michael, you are a very talented person, a marvelous writer. Your pace is wonderful - brisk, crisp storyline which captivates the reader and holds the imagination. Your dialogue is very natural. Your writing is professional and should rise quickly in rank on this site. I hope it goes on to publication because I want to know what happens next! :-) ! Blessings on you and your charming book, Pat

Thank you so much. My weakness is overtelling. I can't tell you how glad I am to get critique on this story and be able to implement suggestions. Please keep reading, and keep critiquing.

Some suggestions to help you tighten up your flow.

'The morning siren blares, echoing down the metal halls of the sleeping wing. Red lights flash as it wails slowly. By the third and final sounding all are up, dressing their beds. Finishing squaring the corners, I miss the last few rungs of the ladder on my way down.
My feet thud on the deck and the shock of my bare feet on the icy floor gives me a chill.'

Cementing your story in first person present tense will make this engaging tale land on everyone's bookshelf. Also, beware the over telling. We, your readers, are smart. Give us enough to get our imaginations going, then let go.
Just my 2 coppers, but I'm looking forward to this polished.

Some suggestions to help you tighten up your flow.

'The morning siren blares, echoing down the metal halls of the sleeping wing. Red lights flash as it wails slowly. By the third and final sounding all are up, dressing their beds. Finishing squaring the corners, I miss the last few rungs of the ladder on my way down.
My feet thud on the deck and the shock of my bare feet on the icy floor gives me a chill.'

Cementing your story in first person present tense will make this engaging tale land on everyone's bookshelf. Also, beware the over telling. We, your readers, are smart. Give us enough to get our imaginations going, then let go.
Just my 2 coppers, but I'm looking forward to this polished.