Legends of Verra The Wanderer

I have read chapters 6, 7, and 8. I really got into the battle scenes. Your writing held me and your characters came to life. I could see the movements Ranku made as he fought the barbarians. You painted a very vivid picture of Lenora and Emily when they struggled against the inhuman acts bestowed upon them. This wanderer is truly a great character you have developed. His skills of fighting are immense, yet he fights something deep and dark in his sleep. Seems Zabu, my favorite character name:) watches over the young warrior.

You have a few grammatical errors throughout the chapters, not many. I would watch the use of 'though'. The first few paragraphs in chapter six, go back over those. I remember in the first paragraph you used 'there' a few times. I felt some sentences could have used action verbs. All in all you did great. You definitely have a skill!
Continue the good work and I know I will see your name again. High rankings!
Sara Stiinson
Finger Bones

Hi again Mark

I've just finished reading your story & it left me so intrigued that I wanted more.

However there were one or two writing habits that niggled me, in the first place you used 'firstly' at least two times in places were a different verb configuration would have made more sense (I hope you appreciate the irony of that sentence!) Your second irritating habit is one that I share, you 'tell' us things in the story instead of 'showing' us by events, speech, thoughts or just straight forward narrative!

I hope you find these comments helpful, I would love you to give my book a return read & comment as I'm now in earnest about reaching the Editors desk & any help would be appreciated.

All the Best
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

the quote is from me. It's something Ranku writes in the future. I thought it was a good way to begin the story because it tells of his strong feelings and also his bitter loneliness.

Brilliant beginning. The quote (I assume) at the very beginning touched at my heart and made me sad. Despite my disliking to feeling sad, this shows good writing (I'm not sure if this is a quote from you or some other place). This story shows real promise.
A couple of things I noticed:
"Let go of me!" said a youthful voice......This doesn't sound like it's being 'said', more like 'shouted' or 'snapped' or something of a similar kind. Alternatively, you could say "a youth said, the voice strained from the effort of resistance."
The section of the first chapter beginning with "What is this place?" contains three lines I assume spoken by the same person. They should all be on one line, because the speaker has not changed.
I will certainly back and continue this story; it has me hooked.
Best of luck!

Blaze.
"A Shifter's Tale"

Brilliant beginning. The quote (I assume) at the very beginning touched at my heart and made me sad. Despite my disliking to feeling sad, this shows good writing (I'm not sure if this is a quote from you or some other place). This story shows real promise.
A couple of things I noticed:
"Let go of me!" said a youthful voice......This doesn't sound like it's being 'said', more like 'shouted' or 'snapped' or something of a similar kind. Alternatively, you could say "a youth said, the voice strained from the effort of resistance."
The section of the first chapter beginning with "What is this place?" contains three lines I assume spoken by the same person. They should all be on one line, because the speaker has not changed.
I will certainly back and continue this story; it has me hooked.
Best of luck!

Blaze.
"A Shifter's Tale"

Wow. just read chapter 1 - what an enjoyable and cleanly written opening. I'm thoroughly intrigued by what will happen to Zabu. This is great work.

Minor quibble, I felt that some of the writing was a bit passive - a few elongated sentences and use of passive words which could have been livened up by breaking them down a bit and making them sharper. But that's really just a quibble. Best of luck with this. Will be reading the rest over nxt few weeks...

I have read chapters 6, 7, and 8. I really got into the battle scenes. Your writing held me and your characters came to life. I could see the movements Ranku made as he fought the barbarians. You painted a very vivid picture of Lenora and Emily when they struggled against the inhuman acts bestowed upon them. This wanderer is truly a great character you have developed. His skills of fighting are immense, yet he fights something deep and dark in his sleep. Seems Zabu, my favorite character name:) watches over the young warrior.

You have a few grammatical errors throughout the chapters, not many. I would watch the use of 'though'. The first few paragraphs in chapter six, go back over those. I remember in the first paragraph you used 'there' a few times. I felt some sentences could have used action verbs. All in all you did great. You definitely have a skill!
Continue the good work and I know I will see your name again. High rankings!
Sara Stiinson
Finger Bones

Read first chapter & want to read more, so that says it all!

On my Watchlist, will get round to it soon I hope & will give a better comment then. A return read would be good, but not essential.

All the best
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

Read 1st chapter and really liked it. Put it on the bookshelf and rated 5 stars, but it must be considered a provisional situation, as I have a principle of not rating books that are incomplete. Until they're finished, one can never know if they're any good. It will leave the bookshelf when I find a completed book that I like, I hope you understand the logic behind my reasoning. It is very descriptive and slow, which for me usually means bad but in this case, I find it very good indeed. Things I didn't like: ... it was too low to become an annoyance... / ...it was a constant annoyance, and it was starting to weigh on him (the two sentences clash). Also the sentence "...;they didn't even hav beds and had to sleep on a cold, stone floor." sounds too square. I'm sure you can easily replace it by something more sophisticate.

Hey Mark,

Whoa... you have sufficiently scared me! :) This is not my usual read, but I can really appreciate the powerful intensity in your opening scene. You definitely make the reader jump up and take notice! You have some really strong images, again contributing to the ominous mood. Well done. The dialogue in the middle of the first chapter between Booker, and Warren, and Zabu etc. is sharp and powerful. I can see this piece having great appeal in its target audience, and I wish you every success for publication.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Pretty intense opening scene, well done, with a gruesome ending that serves well as a hook to see where things are heading. Critique-wise, the main thing that I'd work on would be the opening romantic prologue. It feels too forced to me, overly wordy. I'd toss it and just jump right into the action. Other than that, I think you're doing well. Best of luck with this!
If you have any interest in reading some children's literature, please do come visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Legends of Verra The Wanderer.
By Mark Hagan.


This is such a heart rendering piece of sheer poetry, as a welcome to chapter one.
I love poetry and poetical writing, it’s in my blood—I love it—I thrive upon it…well done, Mark.
You’ve captured the terror of the prisoners as they are held in darkness by their Drakon captors.
They all know and fear the blind man, he’s not to be trusted—whatsoever.
He has this sort of macabre way of getting satisfaction from the prisoner’s downfall…I was always wary of him.
Excellent description and good dialogue make this a most interesting read, somewhat gruesome but very well written.
I liked the story told by Grumbach as he tries to appease the others with niceties to lessen their terrible situation they are all in.
A nice hook to the story as Jasper is taken away less his arm, never to be seen again.
It’s a very compelling read which I intend to continue with, so very well written and shows true skill as an author…that’s my honest opinion of your writing and I don’t say it lightly.
You ask for any errors that get noticed, so I’ve mentioned a couple below…nothing much and they take nothing away from this brilliant story.
Top marks for this and best wishes for publication, Mark.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

…The young man screeched () agony… (in).
…On the crimson hills Booker had been a fine soldier… Comma required after ‘hills’.
…”…The scent of (timbre) and ale and tobacco was heavy on the air inside.”… (timber)?
…Nothing ever happened in his(fold) of view, so he would close his eyes… (field)?
…He waited a moment. “I’ll leave it here, (encase) you change your minds.”… (in case)?

Hi Mark, read the first chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. Your writing style is clean and crisp and you paint an evocative picture of both your characters and their surroundings. I’ve outlined a few nitpicks, nothing major, and hope they’re of use.
[He must have been a new prisoner.] The word “have” put this in the past tense, when we are in fact in the present. Suggesting replacing with: He must be a new prisoner.
[He had a thick mane of hair, a slim build.] Using the word “He” here is confusing. It sound as if you’re referring to Zabu. Suggest replacing with “The newcomer…”
[Zabu could discern nothing else before his eyes shut.] This doesn’t flow well, suggest restructuring along the lines of: Zabu was uinable to make out anything else, before his eyes closed again.
The man was brought {in to a vacant cell,…] Suggest: The man was put into a vacant cell.
which had once been occupied by a fellow comrade of Zabu’s from the Crimson Hills. [But he had been taken away.] You don’t really need this. The first sentence makes it clear the cell’s no longer occupied.
[“That’s what he gets.”] This seems incomplete. Suggest adding something like: “That’s what he gets for acting up.”
After a brief wait the guard sniggered and walked with the light [dispersing]as he got further away… Suggest replacing the bracketed word with “dwindling”.
[“Hello?!” called Booker – a resident of a nearby cell – now that the guards were gone.] The structure of this sentence is a tad unwieldy. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: Once the guards were gone, Booker – a resident of a nearby cell – called, “Hello?”

Hello Mark,
I backed your story yesterday after reading it but I didn't have time to leave a comment. So here it is now: I won't go over the grammar/spelling mistakes and the few awkward sentences because other commenters have pointed them out and in any case I didn't find them an obstacle to my reading. Your writing style is compelling, I was really eager to keep reading and know what would happen next to Ranku and Zabu. They are both very interesting characters, and I also really liked your world building. You're very good at describing your characters' feelings and physical reactions, I liked that. The only thing I would suggest you revise (besides the obvious typos) is the length of your chapters: they are quite long, and for example in chapter 1 you spend a lot of time introducing Jasper... who then dies. Then you don't spend as much time describing Ranku... who is your main character. I would suggest you tighten up your chapters: they'll be shorter and maybe focussed on what's most important. But overall this was a great read and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Hi Mark, I read chapter 3. Wow, this is a powerful piece of writing, you certainly have a great talent here and you tell a good story. Hope you are not offended, but in my first draft I found myself using 'Who is' instead of 'Who's' etc... a lot, I wondered if you have done the same thing? I know it looks professional on paper, but in real life people are lazy and even shorten words. I was gripped by the descriptions and the experiences, it felt like I was there. Well done, I am sure you will do very well.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.
I would appreciate a return read, if you are able to find time.

Verra the Wanderer
I've decided to keep your book on my watchlist and return to read further as time permits. Please see my comments underneath :-))
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

Mark Hagan - Verra the Wanderer
I've enjoyed every word right up to where Ranku and Zabu ask for help from the sisters. Zabu laments his lost looks - can anyone blame him? After a clean and a shave Ranku encourages him by saying, " ... looking like your old self again.." Ranku himself is almost tragic to me when he dreams of his lost love, Nicola. This part you've described so well. Overall I enjoyed the story and the plot seems to be moving in a definite direction. Sometimes it may be good to "tighten" things up a bit and leave out unnecessary description and words. I'm thinking of the scene in the cellar where he takes more than he can and drinks until he vomits - the reader gets the point, no need to labour it too much. Anyway, that's just an opinion:-)
VERY high stars and all the best ahead on authonomy
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

The opening quote set the scene perfectly. Not a prologue, better than that.

My comments are, on the whole, based on the feel of the book. But there are a few stylistic points that I thought I should mention.

The opening sentence: I would switch them. Open with 'A shaft of light', follow with 'The clunk' (Although the word 'clunk' is not your best choice for an opeing paragaph...)

You have a slight tendency to explain alittle too much. You can afford to be more ecconomic with the facts. I would suggest here for instance ' For three long years they had been locked in brutal conflict on the Crimson Hills with the Drakon, their sworn enemies. This was their dungeon.'

Your ideas are imaginative throught the chapters I have read. I think if you take each sentence and re-write where necessary as economically as you can - make every single word count - then your writing will take on a fresh and unique 'voice' that will set you work apart from others writing in this genre.

Be careful with your tenses and POVs. There ere a few little anomalies here and there. This can all be adjusted with a good read through and that all important edit.

The first chapter was incredibly log compared to the following ones. You can either edit this down, or break it into two. Reading on-screen means that the scroll down takes forever. This can put the casuall reader off and you really want them to corry on. Once again, easily fixed.

I won't go into a detailed line-by-line analysis of the whole piece because the writing is vibrant and truly imaginative and oobviously written with passion. I think your ideas have tumbled out and just need to be tightened up into the great book this can become.


This feels like an early draft and just needs so good hard editing. The book neeeds that 'read-aloud' touch. You need to read the entire story out loud to get the flow and rhythm of the piece right. I have doen it several times with everything I have ever written. I swear by it!

The 'feeel' of the book is good. This is not a genre I normally choose to read (and I always have a problem with names I can't prounounce...) but you don't do that. You keep the names and the characterisations on track through the chapters here.

I look forward to seeing how your work develops.

These opinions are just my humble offereing and please just take them in the spirit of the site, in the cause of writing as good as we can. So tell me to bugger off if you want to!

Good luck with it all. An impressive piece of work!

Mark,

Your words are truly captivating. I love the way you write. Everything is descriptive, as if you are actually there and part of the story.

In the first sentence, the use of “—“ is not needed between “imprisonment” and “Zabu”
Merely a comma would suffice.
Anyway, I’ve only read the first chapter for now, but I like it. I like dark, eerie stories that leave you questioning. It’s great, very well written so far.

I hope to come back and read more when I get the chance.
Highly starred for now.

Christine Rees
Spark

Mark,
This my side of our read swap, so here are my thoughts on your first chapter. I won’t go into the grammar and typos, that’s something you can do yourself with a close reading, I’ll just give you my impression of this chapter as an opening.

The poem you use as a chapter header needs a bit of attention – the first line doesn’t scan properly, it’s a question – ‘Dare I…’ Also, you mix thou and you, nought and no thing. It’s very difficult to pull off that old-fashioned sounding language, difficult to keep it consistent and not let modern words slip in. I should know, I sweated blood with my prologue!

This first chapter plunges the reader straight into the drama of a prisoner taking stock of his situation, the darkness and the hopelessness of it. You create a believable atmosphere with these kind of images, so much so that I felt you rather watered-down the awfulness of it by introducing the idea of communication between the prisoners. The word dungeon makes me think of medieval castles where there wouldn’t be many cells, only for important prisoners worth exchanging, and the walls would have been so thick prisoners wouldn’t have been able to communicate. This seems more like a modern prison, with blocks and any number of prisoners. Zabu also seems to be able to keep a track of their numbers, to discuss what’s going to happen to them, what goes on in the torture chamber etc. All this to my mind detracts from the darkness and isolation you painted so well to begin with. I liked that oppressive atmosphere, but it’s difficult to keep it if you introduce lots of sounds Zabu can hear. It destroys the impression of the solidity of the dungeon, and it creates a sense of companionship rather than isolation. I think it would be stronger if you added silence to the grimness of the prison. Zabu can always speculate on what’s happened to his companions, and it doesn’t matter in the end how many or how few of them are left. Also, the men would be less likely to go mad if they could talk to one another.

At the end of the chapter I wanted to know who had imprisoned these men, and what was the point of it since they were all being tortured to death one by one by the guards just for fun.
How did Ranku manage to break through the stone wall of the dungeon?
How did Zabu know the prisoners had been taken to cells in deeper part of the dungeon?
If Zabu could hear voices and cries from distant corridors, the guards in the distant corridors would be able to hear him and Ranku beating on their door with rocks.

These were questions I asked myself reading this, and possibly other people would too. Your story has to have convincing answers. It seems to me that this first chapter could be pruned considerably, in the end all that really matters is that Zabu meets Ranku and they get out of their cells, so it might be an idea to flesh out the characters of these two. I would read on because I feel I know so little about these two men and would like to know more.
Hope this helps.
Jane.

This is some excellent writing, it's very poetic and really tells well how desperate it is to be imprisoned. My favourite part was when Zabu is was waving his hands in front of his face to remind him of wind and pacing his cell to remind him of being in a field, sheer genius! I love the way he keeps himself strong by exercising too. This is very well writting with excellent pacing, brilliant!

Legends of Verra.

This is an intriguing story and so beautifully written.
Your descriptive writing reads almost like poetry.
Its such a pleasure to read.
Highly starred.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star.

Interesting pitch. I'll dive in soon

It's very easy to read, that's the first thing I thought. Sadly I could only read the first two paragraphs, but that's only because I'm busy, and as soon as I can I will definitely read more when I get the chance.

A.J.

P.S. If you get the chance check out my book Ending.

The opener is very drawing to a reader. It has a unique sound to it.
I also like the way your story is thrilling with action. Your Characters come alive in your creative settings.
The story seems to flow well as it forms.
The title is good.
I really like all of the different names you use for your characters. Names always catch my eye.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Here's my critique of the first part of your chapter 1. I always provide detailed line-by-line comments, so please don't take my in-depth critique too badly. I think you might have a good story here (I haven't read far enough to make that judgment), but it's distracted by some very unusual sentence structure, grammatical problems, glaring typos and wrong word choices. (For example, you have "flail" instead of "flay", and "depraved" instead of "deprived". Similar spellings, different meanings.) You need to go over this and with a fine tooth-comb re-read every single sentence, several times at least, to be sure of the meaning of each, as well as flow. There are several sentences which don't make any sense, until they're broken down. Sort out these issues and you'll be on your way to having a readable manuscript.

Hope you find this review helpful and look forward to your review of "Tamria"!

James

***

CHAPTER 1

“For the duration of his imprisonment – Zabu had known only darkness.” – is there a reason you use a hyphen instead of a comma here? –> “For the duration of his imprisonment, Zabu had known only darkness.”

“It soon began to seem like an eternity past since he had been dragged from the battlefield to the black dungeon.” – long sentence with more words than necessary. This is much tidier: –> “It seemed like eternity since he had been dragged from the battlefield to the black dungeon.”

“brought them to a place as dark in their hearts as theirs surroundings” – a good phrase but I think you should reposition “as dark” for it to make more sense. –> “Mental anguish, starvation, despair and solitude, brought them to a place in their hearts as their surroundings.”

“He held a great fear for it.” – you want “of”, not “for”. –> “He held a great fear of it.”

“The fear came from his belief that he may never leave.” – “might”, not “may”. Also, I’d combine this with the following sentence. –> “The fear came from his belief that he might never leave, know only darkness for the rest of his days.”

“Being stuck there, like a river which could not flow, in time would putrefy, his mind wrestled with his soul trying to contaminate it with madness.” – I’m not sure what this means. Break it down, make it simpler. –> “Being stuck there was like being a river stopped in its flow. In time he would putrefy, his soul and mind turn to madness.”

“The darkness which starved his eyes depraved him of all things good” – “deprived,” not “depraved”. To “deprive” is to take something away; “depraved” means evil, immoral, corrupt. Similar spellings, COMPLETELY different meanings!

This whole paragraph – beginning “Zabu respected the darkness…” – would, I think, work better broken up. Not that there’s anything wrong with occasional long paragraphs (my book has a few) but it depends on the information you’re conveying and how you want to present it. Here’s how I’d chop it up:

**

Zabu respected the darkness, though he never embraced it. He held a great fear of it. The fear came from his belief that he might never leave, know only darkness for the rest of his days.

Being stuck there was like being a river stopped in its flow. In time he would putrefy, his soul and mind turn to madness. The darkness which starved his eyes deprived him of all things good, until he wept and prayed with no one to comfort him. Even his memories, those which kept the flame burning in his heart, were growing impaired.

He found ways to retain some of his strength, though. After the first days when they had been thrown into the cells, he realised he needed something to keep himself going.


**

“What he guessed to be months ago…” – long sentence (which isn’t bad in itself), it’s difficult to read and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It would make more sense if its constituent parts were made into separate sentences. –> “What he guessed to be months ago, the cell block where he was situated had been occupied by twelve prisoners. However, their numbers had since dwindled. There were many others who had been taken to other blocks, deeper within the dungeon.” That’s three sentences you’ve got there, not one, and it’s a lot easier to understand.

“No one responded.” –> “No one answered.” ?

“howled a contemptuous laughter.” – you can howl *in* contemptuous laughter. Or howl and laugh contemptuously. But you can’t howl contemptuous laughter.

“He had been right…” – again, split this sentence up. –> “He had been right. They were soldiers, though it was only hours after their arrival, when the men stopped denying what fate had befallen them, that they started yelling for him to be silent.”

“only mere hours” – one or the other: “only” or “mere”. They have close meanings so you shouldn’t use the two together.

“He became silent.” – you had “silent” a few sentences before. And the previous sentence was “The man didn’t talk any more” makes this redundant. It’s essentially repeating the same thing.

“he struggled now to remember how brightly they burnt.” – is this referring to the soldiers or their torches? Could be either. I’d change the structure of this sentence and make two sentences out of it. –> “The guards had come with torches, as they always did when someone had died, or they were planning to take another away. He struggled now to remember how brightly the torches burnt.”

“a man in a cell nearby who he had known from the war.” –> “whom he had known”

“That day when they had been imprisoned” – why not a more straightforward “That day when they were imprisoned” ? But again, this sentence in its current form is difficult to understand. I get what you’re trying to say, but I have to restructure it for the meaning to become clear. Simplicity is a virtue in writing. –> “They had been imprisoned months ago. Their forces had suffered a crushing defeat in battle, and they were among those who had surrendered.”

“much horror had been visited on many of the prisoners.” –> either “horror had been visited on many of the prisoners” or “much horror had been visited on the prisoners.” Don’t have “much” and “many”.

“Zabu, as of yet, had not been harmed” – simpler “Zabu had not yet been harmed”

“There were shouts and screams which echoed from distant corridors.” –> “Shouts and screams echoed from distant corridors.”

“Zabu would hear…” – again, this information would be so much easier to take in if it was made into separate sentences! “Zabu heard dreadful whispers of what went on in the torture chambers. He could not be sure than any of those whispers held truth, but they were the cause of much horror.”

Again the word “horror”. You used it two paragraphs ago. Why not a different word? “terror”.

“cunning as a serpent” – actually, I like this. Good simile!

“flail the skin” – I think you mean “flay”. “flay” the skin. To “flay” means to whip, lash. “flail” means to thrash, flap about.

“No matter who it was, they all broke with time” –> “No matter how strong, they all broke with time.” ?

Here you jump around between singular and plural in referring to “someone”. “When the mental state of someone deteriorated… [singular] Guards would visit their cells [plural] soon after, and bring them [plural] to the torture chambers.” Need to stay consistent! –> “When the mental state of someone deteriorated, guards would visit his cell soon after, and bring him to the torture chambers.”

“All who went never returned.” – this would sound more dramatic (and make more sense in the context of the previous sentence) –> “None who went ever returned.”