Antioch

I’ve just finished reading your whole MS, and let me say, it’s my favorite thing on the site so far (haven’t been here long). Like you, I’m not into the competition shenanigans, but I did want to leave you a note and tell you how much I enjoyed the book. I’ll try to track you down on one of your other sites in your profile to tell you, since it doesn’t look like you’re active here anymore.

I felt profoundly connected to your protagonist because of the way you saturate everything he does and every thought he has with the weight of his emotions. That’s the real strength of this book, the spine of it. It’s not a breakup story. It’s not even a running away/coming home story. It’s a “this is what it feels like to be crippled by depression” story.

One way writers of dark stories keep the reader reading and draw the distinction between the light and the dark is to sprinkle humor in here and there, and you’ve done that well, with a light touch—just enough to paint the edge of the darkness that much more clearly.

Your arc words and themes are heartbreaking. The train, the pink siding, the bridge, the goddamned endless dishes, the hair, the fryers at Burger King, even the toothbrush, all of these are symbols for facets of Aaron’s mind as it comes apart at the seams and as his thoughts break. His endless mental loop of fire and screaming and stabbing and smashing and violence are effective as hell, pulling me right back into the worst of a bipolar mixed episode. The only dimension lacking from Aaron’s experience to make it match mine are the psychotic features of that level of bleakness and despair. He comes pretty close a few times and it hurts so much watching him go there.

I love the way you portray his incremental steps toward getting away. It seems to go on forever, one half-step at a time, interspersed with hyperventilating and panic, before he gets comfortable there and makes the next day different. This is very true to the kind of darkness he’s feeling. I think the most heartbreaking aspect of this story is that wherever Aaron goes, Aaron is going to be there when he gets there, and after reading all these words of him thinking it will be better for him if he leaves, knowing that he’s going to smash face-first into that cold hard fact hurts like garlic in a cut. But in that good way, because of the way you tell it. The line “I’ve been dead inside for a while” in the last chapter just drives the nail in deeper.

This work is full of gorgeous touches of things every one of us might see every day and not even be triggered to notice in the least, like “the cold fluorescent bus lights.” There are so many turns of phrase that I labeled as my favorite as I read that it just got ridiculous, but I think the one that sticks out most in my mind is “My heart was beating me to death inside my chest.” Oh man did I get the jealous shivers when I read that line. *SO* good. “Ravenous tendrils of normality” is fucking awesome too.

If you look up “loneliness” in the dictionary, it should say “See Antioch.”

I’m glad you posted this book. It’s so good. I hope it’s gone places for you. This deserves to have some light on it.

J

I love your style of writing. I love your turn of phrase and how the writing places the reader right in the moment. Writing about feelings and thoughts and real life is so refreshing. I hope you get this published. You certainly deserve it. I hope you get a chance to read Chameleon.
All the best,
Claire (Evie Alan)

Very good opening. It draws you in and the voice is convincing. Aaron's boredom is very successfully articulated. I really enjoyed it. Will certainly read on.

A bit of vague criticism is that Aaron's misery is a little repetitive - he doesn't know who he is, if he exists or why he goes to the places he goes to, but it does add to that bleak, monotonous curtain draped over the entire thing. My only complaint really is on the I love yous. They were always so heartbreaking and anticlimactic!

I was also hoping he'd hug Martha goodbye.

Speaking of which, although dialogue was never very extensive, the characterization was kinda brilliant. Immensely believable, which is probably what propelled me through all fourteen chapters. I want to put this on my bookshelf, but this kindle evidently disagrees with that idea, so I'll try a bit later.

This review would be more helpful and comprehensive if typing weren't so laborious. Just know that Aaron's story was relatable and lovely and a great pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing it!

Roman - you had me hooked after a couple of paragraphs. I've speed read my way through a few chapters and I like your style a lot. I like the off-hand manner your narrative leads the way through the story.

I try to steer my way through the unpronounceable names in the acres of fantasy fiction here on-site - it's just not my genre. So, to read a refreshing, smart piece of writing like yours, was a joy.

My work is also character led, I like to think, albeit in a much darker area or writing - but I also aim for that spare, lean touch, where every word counts.

So the book is on my shelf, high stars and it will stay on the Watch List too.

I'd be interested in your take on Slow Poison - the main protagonist is gay...you probably wouldn't want to know him.

Good luck with this. It will rise, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I think you'd have a shot at publication with this one.

Keep in touch, Cas

I’ve just finished reading your whole MS, and let me say, it’s my favorite thing on the site so far (haven’t been here long). Like you, I’m not into the competition shenanigans, but I did want to leave you a note and tell you how much I enjoyed the book. I’ll try to track you down on one of your other sites in your profile to tell you, since it doesn’t look like you’re active here anymore.

I felt profoundly connected to your protagonist because of the way you saturate everything he does and every thought he has with the weight of his emotions. That’s the real strength of this book, the spine of it. It’s not a breakup story. It’s not even a running away/coming home story. It’s a “this is what it feels like to be crippled by depression” story.

One way writers of dark stories keep the reader reading and draw the distinction between the light and the dark is to sprinkle humor in here and there, and you’ve done that well, with a light touch—just enough to paint the edge of the darkness that much more clearly.

Your arc words and themes are heartbreaking. The train, the pink siding, the bridge, the goddamned endless dishes, the hair, the fryers at Burger King, even the toothbrush, all of these are symbols for facets of Aaron’s mind as it comes apart at the seams and as his thoughts break. His endless mental loop of fire and screaming and stabbing and smashing and violence are effective as hell, pulling me right back into the worst of a bipolar mixed episode. The only dimension lacking from Aaron’s experience to make it match mine are the psychotic features of that level of bleakness and despair. He comes pretty close a few times and it hurts so much watching him go there.

I love the way you portray his incremental steps toward getting away. It seems to go on forever, one half-step at a time, interspersed with hyperventilating and panic, before he gets comfortable there and makes the next day different. This is very true to the kind of darkness he’s feeling. I think the most heartbreaking aspect of this story is that wherever Aaron goes, Aaron is going to be there when he gets there, and after reading all these words of him thinking it will be better for him if he leaves, knowing that he’s going to smash face-first into that cold hard fact hurts like garlic in a cut. But in that good way, because of the way you tell it. The line “I’ve been dead inside for a while” in the last chapter just drives the nail in deeper.

This work is full of gorgeous touches of things every one of us might see every day and not even be triggered to notice in the least, like “the cold fluorescent bus lights.” There are so many turns of phrase that I labeled as my favorite as I read that it just got ridiculous, but I think the one that sticks out most in my mind is “My heart was beating me to death inside my chest.” Oh man did I get the jealous shivers when I read that line. *SO* good. “Ravenous tendrils of normality” is fucking awesome too.

If you look up “loneliness” in the dictionary, it should say “See Antioch.”

I’m glad you posted this book. It’s so good. I hope it’s gone places for you. This deserves to have some light on it.

J

A bit of vague criticism is that Aaron's misery is a little repetitive - he doesn't know who he is, if he exists or why he goes to the places he goes to, but it does add to that bleak, monotonous curtain draped over the entire thing. My only complaint really is on the I love yous. They were always so heartbreaking and anticlimactic!

I was also hoping he'd hug Martha goodbye.

Speaking of which, although dialogue was never very extensive, the characterization was kinda brilliant. Immensely believable, which is probably what propelled me through all fourteen chapters. I want to put this on my bookshelf, but this kindle evidently disagrees with that idea, so I'll try a bit later.

This review would be more helpful and comprehensive if typing weren't so laborious. Just know that Aaron's story was relatable and lovely and a great pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing it!

I love your style of writing. I love your turn of phrase and how the writing places the reader right in the moment. Writing about feelings and thoughts and real life is so refreshing. I hope you get this published. You certainly deserve it. I hope you get a chance to read Chameleon.
All the best,
Claire (Evie Alan)

Very good opening. It draws you in and the voice is convincing. Aaron's boredom is very successfully articulated. I really enjoyed it. Will certainly read on.

Just one other thing - I like that you write in the present tense. It seems a lot of people don't like it, but I think it works very well here.
Dave F

I read the beginning, the end and some bits in the middle. Why didn't I read it right through? Because I was too impatient to see if it was all so good. It's clever, witty, funny, I suppose I'm revealing my preconceptions when I say I expected that. But it's sad, moving and beautiful too. A lot of people may not be drawn to a story in which very little seems to happen, about a depressed young gay man who thinks about dying all the time. I would have been one of those people. But I'm glad I didn't miss this. It is beautifully written in a deceptively simple but distinctive style. I do think it needs a little minor editing for the occasional typo, lapse in punctuation and repetition, but it is very close to being ready to publish. I wish you the very best with it. Shelved and starred.
Dave F

Spaghetti is imminent.

This is great. I galloped through 6 chapters without a halt. There's something very spare and simple and at the same time very detailed, that I love about it. On the surface, it's about very ordinary things, everyday thoughts and actions, yet that's it, really. It's about the things we still do, and take for granted and don't know how to change. The writing is great and it has real 'feel' to it. I can see it as a tv series - it acted out like that in my head as I read. One thing I particularly liked is the short, telling sentences you put in - little paragraph or chapter ending sentences that have such punch.

Shall give good stars and watchlist for now, and will definitely read on.

One tiny quibble - one too many crooked smiles in the first bit.

Very impressed.

Hi Roman,
This was refreshing! But then again I raved about Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar at a certain age, possibly the age of your protagonist. I love its simple clarity, lack of adjectives and powerful tone, against which small gems like 'leaving my hand prints on the poles' (mis-quoted i know but i don't want to get muddled tracking it down to quote it accurately) in chapter one shine out modestly and beautifully. I read first chapter closely then jumped forward a little to get a sense of how it developed. i will watch list it to read more later, and have backed it. Best wishes, Il Postino (Kate) - Invisible Graffiti.

Hi Roman, I really like your style! Simply written, realistic and oddly compelling. I haven't read it all because of time constraints but Antioch promises a great deal from a claustrophobic beginning to, I hope, freedom and new experiences for your characters. I have backed and rated it and hope to see it rise quickly through the ranks. Well done, Natalie (The Diary of John Crow)

Roman - you had me hooked after a couple of paragraphs. I've speed read my way through a few chapters and I like your style a lot. I like the off-hand manner your narrative leads the way through the story.

I try to steer my way through the unpronounceable names in the acres of fantasy fiction here on-site - it's just not my genre. So, to read a refreshing, smart piece of writing like yours, was a joy.

My work is also character led, I like to think, albeit in a much darker area or writing - but I also aim for that spare, lean touch, where every word counts.

So the book is on my shelf, high stars and it will stay on the Watch List too.

I'd be interested in your take on Slow Poison - the main protagonist is gay...you probably wouldn't want to know him.

Good luck with this. It will rise, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I think you'd have a shot at publication with this one.

Keep in touch, Cas