Beyond the Clouds

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated.

fun story which seemed impossible to make work from the long pitch. but it is well done.
j

Kate, this is a delightful story. I read two chapters and it seems age appropriate and lots of fun.
Nice job and I wish you luck with this. One helpful hint might be to remove a few of the exclamation marks in chapter one but otherwise I loved it.
Michelle - 43 Primrose Avenue

CHIRG review

Hi,

I've read the first three chapters and enjoyed their energy. We are plunged into some action straight away and get to know our way around the kids' characters pretty quickly. I thought Mum was quite well drawn too - given that we only see a bit of her in the beginning. The story gallops along, and I like that - the kids and their enthusiasm is infectious.

Oe small nit is that when writing dialogue I think the convention is to insert a comma when the person speaking says the name of the person they are speaking to :

'Hang on, Jack.' Not 'Hang on Jack.'

Good luck with this. High stars.

Roo

Kate, I hope this hasnt been put on Authonomy and abandoned as its too good. I think this is really cool. Kids are going to be loving this. There are reasons why I have read this and this ticks all the boxes. great flow, well written to a good pace.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

CHIRG

Hi Kate,

Your book sounded intriguing so I thought I’d have a look. I’ve read the first three chapters and found this a well-written, engaging story for kids around the six to ten-year-old age range. Below are some notes I made as I read. These are just suggestions, and I’m no expert, so use what works for you and feel free to ignore the rest. (In a couple of instances, I think my explanations might be a bit confusing and convoluted. If you can’t work out what I’m trying to say, please feel free to message me and I’ll try to explain better.)

Ch 1

1) ‘as best she could with noises that sounded like gobbledygook’
this sounds a little like her mum is conversing in gobbledygook. Maybe say something like, ‘as best she could with dragons that only spoke gobbledygook’

2) ‘it right please’
comma after ‘right’

3) ‘Sorry Maisy” Jack sulked’
comma after Maisy
as Jack is addressing Maisy there also needs to be a comma before her name

4) ‘Sorry Jack’
comma before ‘Jack’ (for the reason given above)

5) ‘He forgot’
should be “he’d forgotten’

6) ‘to do that”, ’
comma before quotation marks

7) ‘Tired and disappointed’
comma after tired, as ‘and disappointed another adventure was over’ is an extra insertion to the sentence

Nice chapter. They sound so much like a normal family!

Ch 2

1) ‘on the kitchen floor aloud to Maisy’
I’d remove ‘aloud’. It makes the sentence clunky and if he’s reading the letter to Maisy he must be reading it aloud, so it’s superfluous.

2) ‘straight way’
‘way’ should be ‘away’

3) ‘shouted excitedly’
full stop after ‘excitedly’

4) ‘held a mysterious quality to it’
this can be either, ‘held a mysterious quality’ or ‘had a mysterious quality to it’ but a combination doesn’t work.

5) ‘packaging as Jack spoke!
I’d remove this exclamation mark. You need to be careful not to overdo exclamation marks and there’ve already been a lot used in this chapter. This one isn’t necessary and nor are the ones in the previous paragraph. The best thing to do is to go through and reassess them all, making sure they’re really necessary. Or take them all out and only add back ones where the words don’t give the impact themselves.

6) ‘sodden wet faces’
‘Sodden’ is wet, only more descriptive, so I’d leave it and remove wet.

7) ‘realised it happening’
this should either be ‘noticed it happening’ or ‘realised it happened’

8) ‘any more eggs today’
as this is written in the past tense, you can’t say ‘today’. Maybe say ‘any more eggs that day’ instead.

9) ‘made some chocolate cake!’
remove exclamation mark. This sentence will stand up well for itself. The exclamation mark isn’t needed.

10) ‘after they had eaten their cake’
comma after ‘cake’ as this is an insertion within the sentence

11) ‘that now, outside the sky’
this sounds rather odd, as it sounds as though something is outside the sky. Maybe try, ‘that the sky’ It says the same thing, but with less chance for confusion (We already know she’s looking ‘now’ as you’ve just said she’s looking out the window. We also know she’s looking outside as you’ve just said she looked outside the window. Actually ‘outside the window’ should be ‘out the window’. People don’t look inside the window when they’re looking into a house; nor do they look outside a window when they’re looking out of a house.)

12) ‘their throat felt burnt’
I’d remove ‘felt’. When people say their throat burns, they mean that it feels that way, so you just need to say ‘their throat burnt’

Great chapter ending!

Ch 3

1) ‘like a statue about to receive a fatal blow’
this is a bit of an odd simile. Statues don’t grip the floor when they’re about to receive a fatal blow.

2) ‘suspended in mid-air’
comma after ‘mid-air’

3) ‘towered ahead of them’
this suggests forward movement. Maybe say ‘towered before them’

4) ‘Maisy and Jack held their breath’
‘breath’ should be ‘breaths’ as there are two of them

5) ‘their monstrous head’
as there are two creatures this needs to be ‘their monstrous heads’

6) ‘Minutes passed by without a single’
You could remove ‘by’ here

7) ‘The dragons began to move’
You’ve just said they didn’t. Maybe say, ‘Then the dragons began to move’ or ‘Suddenly the dragons began to move’ or something.

8) ‘to some agreement’
full stop after ‘agreement’

9) ‘like a peacock revealing its feathers’
nice simile

10) ‘top of his partners’
should be ‘top of his partner’s’

11) ‘part of their home’
this makes it sounds as though he’s destroying part of Jack’s and Maisy’s home. Try ‘part of the dragons’ home’ (or ‘homeland’ perhaps)

12) ‘City of shadows’
should ‘shadows’ have a capital ‘s’?

13) ‘Thundor has captured these’
remove ‘has’

14) ‘rescue the King and Queen of Ionia’
They need rescuing? I didn’t know they’d been kidnapped. Did I miss something? Or do you mean ‘help’ (or ‘aid’) the King and Queen?

15) ‘Maisy said disbelieving’
comma after ‘said’

16) ‘only 7 and 9 years’
numbers are always written so this should be, ‘only seven and nine years’

17) ‘at them,” he pointed’
should be ‘at them.” He pointed’

18) ‘she announced more confidently than she actually felt’
‘confidently’, in this context, is an adverb describing the verb ‘announced’, but you’re using it as a comparison to how she ‘felt’ not how she ‘announced’, so it doesn’t work. Maybe try, ‘she announced, sounding more confident than she actually felt’ or ‘she announced, trying to sound more confident than she actually felt’ (both of these use ‘confident’ to describe how she ‘felt’ rather than how she ‘announced’)

19) ‘Jack and Maisy, jumped onto’
remove comma


This is a great start to your story. You write well, with a nice, easy-to-read narrative and a good mix between narrative and dialogue. Your descriptions are excellent and your story moves nicely towards a lovely adventure tale for kids around the ages of your characters. Great work.

Sue

Charming, fun, and much more fun than ordinary cavities.

A HBJ (hottest books June) review

Kate,

This was a delightful, easy read. It would definitely be something my seven year old would enjoy, and I can picture his little eyes lighting up as two dragons appear in the cellar.

This would do well in the children's market!

Well done and best wishes,

April Gray
The Illusion

Fantastic Kate, love the world of make believe., the dragon element is great. Wish I was a child again so I could read stories like this again. Glad you changed those few things I pointed out. Good luck, let us know what happons.

Fantastic Kate, love the world of make believe., the dragon element is great. Wish I was a child again so I could read stories like this again. Glad you changed those few things I pointed out. Good luck, let us know what happons.

Dear Kate,

I just popped in for a quick peek at your first two chapters, as I am a big fan of children's literature. The imaginative, creative feel of this story drew me in right away. Kids in your target range will surely be swept up into this magical story. Parents will love the higher level vocabulary, too (ie: simutaneously, peculiar, and luminous). What a great piece! I look forward to reading more as time permits. Wishing you every success.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Wow what a fantastic imagination Kate. I started reading your book last night and had to finish it before I went to bed to see how it ended. I think, from experience, that this story will enthrall children whether having it read to them at a young age (with all sound effects and made up voices of course) or reading it independently when they are able. I love the front cover, this is the type of book my daughter used to make a beeline for when she was younger. Dragons and colourful fantasy will always be a popular theme for children.

Best wishes Kate
I think its fab

Judith x

CHIRG Review

Hi there Kate,

This is really sweet, I read the first three chapters and enjoyed it. It's definitely aimed at younger kids and is a refreshing break from reading long complicated teen fantasy fiction.

I really liked the idea of the dragons at the back of the throat though I didn't really understand how this fit in with the real dragons that appeared. Most of all I loved Maisy's bluntness, she's pretty hilarious. And the way the action unfurls really quickly is great and sure to be popular with kids.

I enjoyed the colourfulness of the different references and in the imagery of the books - coloured dragons, fairies and crystals - reminded me of the dayglo cartoons of my 1980's childhood. Word count is a funny thing, but I wonder if it's a little too short for the age group it's aimed at? Assuming that the 11000 words on here are the complete text.

the one thing I felt needed a bit of improving was the character of Jack. You say at the beginning that he's cynical but then instantly loses this when it's time to play, read stories or travel to another land on the back of dragons! Still this is a very minor thing and can be easily addressed.

I really liked the energy and innocence of this story, it felt very suited to young kids. Good work

Overall the writing is very strong but here are my close comments on the little errors that I noticed. Again they're nothing major:

“O..khan”
-if this is garbled , shouldn’t the previous comment also be so?

Now, let me brush those pearly whites!”
-why does the mother say this when they’ve just been brushed?

her face growing redder and redder.
-I love her reply but wouldn’t it make more sense something like – her face instantly growing red – ?

do that”,
-comma before the speech marks

no amount of persuasion would convince THEIR FATHER to let
-to avoid the jarring repetition of Dad

always let them snuggle up in HIS room
-I think that’s clear enough, no?

CH 2

strobe-like patterns across the rich
-strobe would mean flashing on and off, I don’t associate this effect with the light passing through trees

Jack and Maisy often climbed in and out of the mass of trees and bushes whilst pretending to live in a faraway land, with dragons, princesses and evil creatures.
-didn’t you say that Jack thinks himself too grown up for make belief –seems a little contradictory

Conifers
-needs a capital??

monotonous photos
-can photos be monotonous, they don’t have any tone or variation so I don’t think they can – boring would make more sense

a glint in his eye.
“Anything’s gotta beat this,” Maisy agreed, rolling her eyes.
-the repetition of eye at the end of each sentence is jarring

and noticed that now, outside, the sky looked most
-2nd comma

Their headS ached and their throatS felt burnt.
-plurals

Ch 3

a statue about to receive a fatal blow.
-how can a statue receive a fatal blow when it isn’t alive?

Minutes passed by without a single movement.
-this doesn’t seem to fit with what’s going on and they immediately move after it anyway so I’d delete this sentence

lulling them into a false sense of security?
-rather adult expression?

His first attack is our precious Ionia.”
-his attack is Ionia?? His first place of attack??

and set off HEADED way beyond the clouds, to the Kingdom of Ionia…

Really enjoyed it, will be back to read the ending,

Highly starred and best wishes

Benedict

Hi Kate
I re-read Ch 3. I notice you made some changes - well done! It reads much better now. Just a tiny comment about something I didn't notice before:
You say 'minutes passed' when they were standing. A minute is a long time! May be better to have it as seconds?
Ch 4
This is a good solid chapter. We have the excitement of the dragon flight and their arrival in the magical, colourful land. You certainly have painted a vivid picture. The content is perfect for the age group. And then we have the threatening dark clouds in the distance. Great way to end of the chapter.
Will be back for more.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

I am charmed by the idea of dragons who live in her mouth, and I expect kids will be too. I think you've done a really nice job getting lift-off; the writing is smooth and the dialog feels right.
Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Hi Kate, this is a really entertaining book that is perfect for this age group. I think this is a really difficult age group to write for and I can well remember struggling to find books for mine when they were that age, but I think you've nailed it. Really well done. Lots and lots of stars for you and place on my shelf when I reshuffle without a doubt.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

CHIRG Review
I think this is perfect for the age group and I'm extremely jealous. I was just thinking I'd like to try writing for that age as apparently there is a gap in the market. Don't think I could do it this well, as it seems very tricky to get the plot right for the age group.
There is a publisher called Phoenix Yard, submissions@phoenixyardbooks.com I saw in the Writers and Artists Handbook. The advert says they are actively looking for fiction for 6-9 age group, for boys. I don't know anything about them. They might not even be proper publishers but might be worth a try.
Great book, no nit picks. I think it works brilliantly.
High stars.

Hi Kate,
First five chapters read. Nice story so far for 7-9 year olds. Words seem to be about the right level for this age and 11,000 words is good too. I noticed the odd missing comma here and there when characters are speaking.

I think some of the sentences are too long. I read somewhere no more than 20 words, but preferably closer to 10 for this age. I don't know how strict these things need to be, but I think there are definitely places where you can use a full stop in place of a comma. A couple sentences had a lot of commas which makes it a bit harder for a child to read it fluently.

In Chapter 5 where they were heading for the City of Shadows and talking, you wrote:
"A while later..."
I think something like this line is a good opportunity to take a bland line and make it far more interesting/exciting. eg. (just off the top of my head) "They looked to the horizon and saw before them the City of Shadows".
Obviously both of us could do better than that with some more thought, but it's still more interesting than "a while later".

I'm going to keep reading so I can find out the ending!

Take care
Jeff

Return read and CHIRG review.

Your first chapter is brilliant. It reads like a published novel. We have two likeable and imaginative children, Maisy dreaming of dragons and princesses, Jack of saving the universe. There are lots of action verbs and important words capitalized. The dialogue is spot on. I can see young children loving Jack and Maisy's journey to Ionia with the dragons - I certainly did! Great chapter-endings to 1, 3 and 4. I'm sure this will do very well. High stars!

Camac Johnson
Klipspringer Hill
Hemingway Quest

A story that children around 7 years and upwards would enjoy. I read six chapters and enjoyed them all.

It has great pace, vivid imagery, an interesting and creative story line, involving dragons, a threatened dragon kingdom, and children from the readership target age group as rescuers. I particularly liked the way the author develops the non-magical side of Maisy and Jack's lives early in the book to ground them as normal mortals. The family dynamics felt very real, particularly the relationship of Maisy to her mother; this was excellent, as was her relationship with her brother, Jack, e.g. tormenting each other!

The story is well-written, with cliff hanger endings for each chapter. I felt, however, that the section in ch. 3, starting 'Emeraldo and Nertitia explained to Jack and Maisy...' needed some dialogue interspersed into the back story to give this important part of the tale more variety and dimension: the back story on its own felt a bit flat.
I felt you just needed to add to the second sentence in ch. 1 a qualifier, i.e. '...brushed her teeth well [every day and night] for a whole week', as it currently reads as if her teeth needed to be brushed without stop for a week!

I loved the descriptions of the dragons and the flying section in ch. 4 was excellent.

This is a story that I could hear being told aloud, and illustrations would bring the story really alive to a young audience. There is a strong 'oral' feeling about the book. It starts with the spoken word and there are sound effects all the way through it. This is a story I can imagine myself reading aloud to my grand-daugther when she is a bit older, as I would enjoy making all the noises and imitating the voices. I could imagine a primary school teacher reading it too and having the same fun with his or her class.

A lovely book. I enjoyed reading it very much.

Dragon at the back of her mouth. that would freak me out on the big screen. but that's good. some films put me to sleep.

I found your book exciting, gripping, imaginative - and unisex. A couple of nit-picking points: the beginning of Chapter 5 when the children are told about the seven jewels would be better as dialogue. I think it would read better to change 'drank' to 'when you drink it' (about the tear) but that's a personal preference. In chapter 7 I would change 'would' to 'could' in 'they could not go out there without signing a death wish'. You should be very proud of your work. It is just magnificently magical! Love the front cover - can't wait to see it with illustrations.

Hi Kate, one of my favorite books as a child was the magic carpet and my brother and I would practice for hours wishing ourselves away to magical lands. Your lovely fantasy book transported me straight back there and I felt all the excitement and trepidation of a child! Very nicely done and high stars, a real gem for bedtimes. Karen, Faking it in France.

Many thanks to Bradley Wind for my beautiful front cover - makes me long to have the rest of my book illustrated!!!

So chuffed! x

Hello Kate, got to the end of chapter 8 so far, and really love this book. It is very magical, from the introduction of the dragons, to their transformation and then the land of Ionia. Very well done - I look forward to reading more. I will add you to my watchlist and send some stars. Brilliant work. Good luck, Little Miggy x

Hi Kate; I decided to take a look at your book after seeing a friend of mine's review of it and was so very glad I did. It takes a certain, special imagination, to come up with new ideas to entertain children, and you have. I loved Maisy thinking she had dragons at the back of her mouth (more than thinking as it turned out.) Maisy and Jacks very real sibling antics made them believable and I particularly liked Jack saying he would fight the dragons to save Maisy (like a big brother would, coz I'm one too. Ha! Ha!) Also, your choice of names for the dragons was very good as well as "Ionia"for the magical land.
I have read to the end of chapter four and enjoyed every word of your easy to follow and very entertaining story. Very well done and onto my WL without hesitation.

RMA
The Snow Lily
Sea Spray and Stars

I've edited ch 3 thanks to your advice and feel happier with it - what do you think?
This is a good, fun story that I can see appealing to young children, either to be read aloud of independently. The language is perfectly pitched and so is the subject matter. I have a great fondness for dragons - I love them and I'm sure children will too! I can envisage a lovely colourful cover to your book and some brilliant illustrations.
A couple of nitpicks which you can take or leave as you see fit!
You may want to look at repetitions of certain words to see how often you use them within a short space. Evil seems to be a favourite of yours - I counted three with a few sentences. I have the same problem. Within my whole ms there were 52 'justs'. I used a website called prowriting aid (I think) to help wheedle out those repeated words.
I actually think the passage where you explain about the Kingdom of Ionia would be better if it was part of the dialogue. It sticks out a bit, IMHO.
Ch 3 feels a bit disjointed where Jack says 'Let my sister go' - at this stage we don't know that the dragon is any where near his sister.
Apart from these minor points I thought this was really good! Well-written.
Highly starred. No space on my shelf at the mo, but I would like to back this in the future.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

This is a lovely story.
You establish the characters of Jack and Maisie well in chapter one. There is a lovely dynamic between the brother and sister that I am sure children will identify with. I like the way they bicker, but when it comes to the crunch, they stand by one another.
The opening develops in a unique way and I love the message that an ordinary girl and boy can achieve great things with imagination, love, courage etc...
The chapters have great endings, with hints as to what will happen next to lure the reader on.
The only typos I noticed were that you need to say heads and throats in the line starting 'their head ached.'
Also I thought that 'grabbed an iron poker' might be better than 'grabbed the iron poker' - but that's just my opinion.
I have starred this highly and wish you all the best with it.
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with the Wolves

I am here for our reading swap and CHIRG review
This is a good, fun story that I can see appealing to young children, either to be read aloud of independently. The language is perfectly pitched and so is the subject matter. I have a great fondness for dragons - I love them and I'm sure children will too! I can envisage a lovely colourful cover to your book and some brilliant illustrations.
A couple of nitpicks which you can take or leave as you see fit!
You may want to look at repetitions of certain words to see how often you use them within a short space. Evil seems to be a favourite of yours - I counted three with a few sentences. I have the same problem. Within my whole ms there were 52 'justs'. I used a website called prowriting aid (I think) to help wheedle out those repeated words.
I actually think the passage where you explain about the Kingdom of Ionia would be better if it was part of the dialogue. It sticks out a bit, IMHO.
Ch 3 feels a bit disjointed where Jack says 'Let my sister go' - at this stage we don't know that the dragon is any where near his sister.
Apart from these minor points I thought this was really good! Well-written.
Highly starred. No space on my shelf at the mo, but I would like to back this in the future.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper

In chapter 1 you introduce Maisy and Jack in a manner all siblings will recognise - arguing.
The pace and vocab are pitched just right for the intended age group (7-9 year old i'm guessing).
Dragons are such mystical creature that they are a perfect choice for your story.
The end to chapter 3 is great 'And so, on 18th April 2012, Jack and Maisy ...' This quite literally pulls the reader into chapter 4.
This chapter has some lovely decription and ideas that children will find very appeaaling. 'A Rainbow Place' complete with magical trees and candyfloss clouds. Pure escapism for stressed-out youngsters.

I was going to say that I found chap 1 a bit slow and ordinary, but having read on it contrasts well with all the fantasy a little further on in the story.

Lots of stars and hoping it does well for you.

Deebbie

What a perfect children's book to be illustrated! Can't you just imagine paintings of Ionia, the City of Shadows, the Easter eggs, the children Maisy and Jack, the two dragons Nertitia and Emeraldo and even old evil Thundor?, The King and Queen of Ionia, and the Jewels!!! The Jewels would make especially pretty paintings as would Ionia!

This is a lovely story for children - all it needs, and I can't seem to get away from this idea, is illustration! Your plot is imaginative, very clear, and well stated. Your dialogue between the children is perfect! I can just hear the early rivalry between them :-)

I appreciate the moral of your beautiful story too which I think was well expressed in the dragons response to the children's questions: "you have imagination, determination, love, courage, honor." As a child psychologist, I can think of no better ideals to stress for children!

Unique and imaginative: the children swallow the two eggs only to cough them up later for the eggs to become dragons. Also imaginative: a way to freeze time so that the parents didn't miss nor worry about the children.

Well, this is a lovely book for children with positive, fun role models. (oh, the joy of flying! - beautiful imagery)
Illustrate it!...smile. Seriously, I hope to see this published some day with illustrations. Blessings :-) Pat

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated.

fun story which seemed impossible to make work from the long pitch. but it is well done.
j

fun story which seemed impossible to make work from the long pitch. but it is well done.
j