Devereux

WTF review

Hey Pat, I've just finished reading chapter 2 again (I'd read it last week but was rushed out of home before I got to comment). And I've enjoyed it so far. Just on thing I noticed that perhaps doesn't need to be there.

"metallic blue colour" - You can probably lose "colour"

One of the biggest strengths so far is humour, when Phillip says to the skeleton "I hate to do this mate" I did chuckle to myself. Plus the presence of Watson is very cool and quite a refreshing way to have what the MC is thinking told and shown to us.

I'm thinking of doing some caving myself soon so the second chapter was something I took my time with, the detail of the caves that you gave seemed to be spot on so well done with that.

I liked Sid in the first chapter, the grumpiness is something that's already part of his character which after one chapter is a great impression. The setting is different to most books which is nice.

The ending of chapter 2 and the finding of the space suit is what was needed at that point. Not much of the story has passed but we've learned enough about Phillip to see what kind of person he is before the story really gets started.

I don't have anything else to offer in terms of constructive feedback, but it's on my shelf and will probably be there a while.

John

HF Review
Devereux by Pat. J. Kane

Based on chapters 1-4

Short pitch -This is what drew me to read Devereux
Long pitch Again a draw for me
I liked the cover- very plain but intriguing

Characterisation: Philip is very well portrayed and his unusual quirks make him a very realistic MC. Well thought out and presented.

Plot: Interesting and original
Setting: The movement through time is well crafted
Style/Voice: Interesting premise of the elder teaching the young children about their heritage through a bound manuscript
time to die (had) arrived ?.

Dialogue: Limited in the first few chapters but appropriate and easy to follow as this develops in chapter four
Good descriptions throughout.

Impression as a reader- Wow what an imaginative tale. You have a clear direction in mind, and this is evident in the structure of your work. I found the prologue/chapter interesting and the events strange.
Chapter two- Interesting switch in time- well crafted
Chapter three - Very well presented and realistic portrayal of the descent into the cave, his discoveries and disappearance.

I did not stumble over any areas.

High stars from me

Sheena
The Popish Plot

Historical Fiction Readers review

What a great premise. I really like the idea of a clan elder instructing the upcoming generations in the family lore. I gather the blue material that he is unfolding bears some historical significance, possibly in relation to the alien suggested in the pitch, yet it's mentioned rather casually. Is it wrapped around the writings or is he planning on showing it to the children? Also, would a clan annal really have a prologue? It just seemed more like an author's touch than an historian's. Even a family one.

I like the almost dreamy quality of the writing in the prologue as a contrast to the prosaic 'voice' used in the first chapter. Of course it's always a matter of preference, but I thought there was a bit too much back story in the first chapter. For me it slowed the pacing and dissipated too much of the tension built up in the prologue. Regarding characters, I like Brother Marcus very much. I got more feel for him as a character due to his actions than I did for Philip, despite the lengthy back story. The Sherlock Holmes fantasy was a nice touch, though. It added a bit of whimsy to Philip that made him a bit more 'real.'

You have an intriguing premise here and a good start. Good job.
Kathy

Hi Pat,
I love your pitch.
Coming to the prologue, I love the way you describe the scene.
"Fear may have played with his mind"---that was nice.
"Strange, dark clouds rolled rapidly over the skies above Deepwell"---i liked that and expect that you will use the weather as an element to depict the environment and situation.

will read on,
Daniyal
Gunpowder

Hi Pat,
This is just a quicky return comment as I came by to see how Devereux is doing (I'll come back later for the WTF chapter read).
Your pitch is looking fabulous these days. It feels like it has really got to the heart of the story, and grown since Club G days - reads like a charm, very polished.
Only suggestion I'd have is in the second and third para's, to maybe consider switching the verb tenses from past to present, like your short pitch already is (i.e. fell to falls, was to is, had to has, etc ). Don't know if it's ones of those *rules* but when I switched the tenses in my head, it felt more edgy?
I'm in *thinking about pitches* mode at the moment, as my own is a bit of a dud and needs some work. :)

This is a Write the Fantasy (WTF) review:

Very interesting story so far, and I like the use of folklore and the juxtaposition of the past with the present, and how the stories are being kept alive through the ages. Some excellent details, as well, like the droplets of water acting as a guide, and there's a very good sense of adventure here.

I also wrote down a few notes as I read:
- A couple times I might have trimmed out a few words here or there, like “for generations since the 11th century” - I wasn't sure you needed both “for generations” and “since the 11th century”, since I would think either one would suffice
- Now and then, I wasn't quite sure about the word choices, like “The darkness transpired to be a problem” - I would have chosen a different word here than transpired, but this is likely just personal preference.
- I would possibly trim out an adverb here or there, like instead of saying “moved rapidly,” I might instead say something like “rushed” or “raced” to make it more direct.
- You mention that Marcus never gave the creature a second thought, except he then goes on to see the creature the next day; I might change “never” to another word.
- “A pleasant, quiet community had three public houses” - I might change it to “(The) pleasant, quiet community had three public houses” or say “A pleasant, quiet community, (it) had three public houses”
- “Hi(,) Sid.” / “Hi(,) Mike.” - since they're directly addressing another character here, I'd have a comma before the name

Overall, though, I thought it was a very good start.
Nicely done.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Pat. A great read and well on its way. I think this is a little gem although not my cup of tea. Very clever writing indeed with the reader taken in mind. I like that. History, children, descriptions flow, the works. So well done and as the book as a magical pace about it, not only was I hooked at an early stage, I loved it and score it high. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Interesting cross time read. Your MC is an intriguing character and the interaction with the alien works well. Like the name Moriarty and the Sherlock Holmes references. Read up to chapter 13. Found the story engaging on the whole but you still need a bit of an edit eg chapter 13, 2nd sentence, missing 'on'.

I fully agree with you about most people being ignorant on here - So I thought I'd show that one isn't by leaving this comment.
When I'm not driving my bus, I will come back to give another.
A return favour would be great!

Jamie Tubbs.

Hi Pat
I have already left a comment on your Devereux, but for a bit of extra support I've put you back on my WL, since you were kind enough to support me for a while.
Brian

Deaveraux. Chapters 1 to 5.

An engaging story - I like the mix of historic and modern with a splat of Sherlock Holmes for good measure. I found this well written, although I'm not a fan of books which switch from one time frame to another and there seemed to be a lot of that in these first chapters. I also found some of the dialogue to be a little unrealistic - for example when Philip falls down the cavern and finds the skeleton his comments don't really come out from the page as those of a young man who has firstly had a bad fall, is worried he may not get out of the cavern and then discovers an alien skeleton and a space ship. I can see the mirror image of the way Sherlock Holmes talks but I think in these circumstances the dialogue would be a little less precise.
Apart from those two points, my personal opinion only, I found the writing to be error free and well paced. 5 stars for these opening chapters and will return to read more. Janet

Janet/Helen
The Stranger In My Life

Thanks Pat for this lovely story.
I enjoyed it and because I was not looking for a fault, I am not able to find any constructive criticism. I love the story because of the decriptive writing which is fit for acting out. It is easily understood. A good imaginatory story line. The script is visually good and the writing flows well. Brilliant work . Fine piece of work. I read up to chp 3 from prologue and them 12 and 12c. God bless.

As a birthday gift. I keep you in my watch list and give you four stars.

Best wishes Catherine,
If Only You Could Tell.

Hi Pat,

I just read the first two chapters of your imaginative book 'Devereux.'

I was inspired to take a look at it as I like history and I live in Gloucestershire, on the site of an old abbey.

The prologue sounded interesting with subsequent generations learning about their ancestors.

I loved the character of the Monk, Marcus, much more than the rather bland Philip. I think his character could do with a little more development. He sounds an unusual young person to pursue such a dangerous activity as caving by himself. I think also his unremarkable childhood adds nothing to the plot or gets us more acquainted with him. I particularly found his imaginative friend, Watson, took a little time to get used to. When Philip experienced the accident, I think he took much too calmly.

A good read but needs a bit of editing to get us to the meat quicker.

Good luck with it,

Carol Jefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)
(Love for Lilian)

Hi Mr. Kane, I'm going to read some of your work today, or later this week, and will give you some feedback. I've noticed a few of your reviews on other authors' writing. You're tough and that is VERY admirable. I appreciate direct personalities when it comes to opinions on this craft. For me, candor about my writing is the only way that I can improve my work. So if you have time, I would appreciate your thoughts.
Best to you,
Ron Graves---Blank Slate

This is an unusual and interesting book. I feel it moves around a lot and sometimes I get lost, so maybe it might be an idea to 'tighten' it up in parts but generally I love the overall feel, the descriptions and the atmosphere.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

Morning Pat,
Just read the first chapter of Devereux, and will be reading more later. It's now on my shelf. Liked what I read. And your personal blurb made me laugh out loud. Christ - how right you are!

Mary,
The Magpie King - a children's story

Devereux/Pat J. Kane,
You certainly had quite a lot of information for the reader to absorb in the first two chapters, i.e. many characters; starting right in 1076, onto Marcus and his discovery of the alien - to 1986 where Philip is going speluking for the weekend. Having said all that, I think the plot and your characters are most unusual and very memorable. Of course, at this stage it's difficult to say whether one would fall in love with them and who will be the villain to hate at the end of the day. So, you've got me hooked. I've star rated well, I hope, simply because I haven't finished reading all you've uploaded and would like to do so soon.
All the best in the meantime. Will be back early next week with more comments :-)
Maretha
African Adventures of Flame, Family, Furry and Feathered Friends

I wonder were the children frightened as they listened? Marcus is a gentle soul and sympathetic to the underdog. He felt sorry for the bundle in the forest. At first he rhought it might be a child but then he realised it was some form of creature. He didn't seem afraid of his discovery. On the contrary he picked it up and tended to it and protected it until he could find a place for it in the morning.
I wonder what adventures Philip will have as he gets transported back in time.

I felt the following sentence jarred a bit. For an unknown reason Marcus recognised the creature shouldn't be presented to the world......I think it may sound better as....For some unknown reason Marcus realised the creature shouldn't be presented to the world.

Good luck with your story. Starred.
Alice.

Club Grimoire Alternate Review

This is clearly a unique plot and shows promise. I like the imagery of the dreary forest and cave. I do have a few suggestions.

The beginning did seem a little all over the place to me. Right when a character (Montfort, the creature, or Marcus) was introduced, he was just as quickly pulled from the reader's grasp. I realize this was your attempt to highlight or preview the different storylines, but by the end I couldn't grasp which story-line was the most important.

Some minor sentence structure errors that everyone is guilty of. Some sentences ("two small metal cylindrical items...") were overwhelmed with adjectives, even if they painted a great picture. Other sentences ("The creature's lost companion's fortune happened to be worse.") were a bit confusing.

Wish you all the luck with this - and hopefully these reviews are enough to boost you closer to the editor's desk. Highly starred and an overall enjoyable read.

Douglas York
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

Pat
I like your mixture of aliens and history at the same time. This is the first time I have read such a thing. Very interesting and keeps one turning the pages to see what happens next. Quite unique. There are one or two errors though but who doesn't on here. All in all agood read. Best of luck with it.
Brian Tales for Children.

Historical Fiction Read -

What an original, phenomenal story, filled with detailed settings that feel realistic, and characters that are very different from each other and in different time frames.

At first, I had a difficult time reading the first two chapters, wondering what the purpose of the reading was, and the monk and the creature. It made me feel spooked, but I wondered where all this was going to lead to, but as I continued reading, it got better. I particularly liked Philip's entrance into the story.

Philip is an adventurous soul, and likes going mining on his own, with his imaginary friend Watson. The alien he finds in the cave and the resulting electrocution that caused him to die was quite a shocker for me. However, later in the story, Philip lives and somehow communicates with Moriarty, the alien. Philip discovers that he is now living in the past - the eleventh century. We also learn about a family living in the eleventh century, who are Anglo-Saxon, with loving and virtuous characteristics .

This is a story where different worlds connect. These contrasting worlds are each unique, as Philip tries to communicate with the alien, and at the same time, discover how to communicate with the Anglo-Saxons. The author does a wonderful job in capturing their essence, speech, and cultures. Very well done.

Except for some minor errors, this is an engrossing read.

Highly starred and hope it makes it to the Editor's Desk!

Best,
Patty
The Greek Maiden and the English Lord

Devereux. An HFG read.
Sounds an intriguing story, and you paint a vivid picture of the two creatures fumbling and stumbling about in the rain. I like that sentence 'He detached the hidden fear and did the Christian thing.'
Do you want nits?
My first impression from the first paragraph was the plethora of multiple adjectives - three in the first two sentences! I know this is historical fiction, and one has to create an atmosphere, but modern readers / editors tend to cringe at unnecessary words... less is best seems to be the thing these days.
Other unnecessary words can spoil the flow of any story: almost, carefully, suddenly, unmistakably (Ch.3) still, eventually, only.
And words repeated close together stand out: tales.

Ch.2. I am a bit baffled by some of the dialogue and the innuendos, but you create some suspense, and this reader wants to click on.

Ch.3. You certainly know your subject, and the description of Philip's descent into the cave is full of detail. The mysterious losses of memory are probably related to touching the alien, and I like the way this theme is carried through from the first chapter.

You have an unusual plot here. There's some editing to do, but we all have to do that. And maybe you should look at refining and speeding up that second chapter, to make the story flow better.

Jane.

You've got an intriguing story here, intertwining sci fi and folklore. Its got a great voice to it, and flows nicely.
Critique-wise I did note some minor things from chapter one:
a missing word and comma in this: "the darkness transpired to be a problem and (HE?) stumbled many times (,) keeping a strong hold..."
"He returned to his room and never gave his discovery a second thought" was hard for me to accept. Didn't he just find something highly unusual, and care enough to rescue it? I could see alzheimers or trauma or fear blocking out the memory, but just not giving it another thought left me skeptical.
I really liked your description of the critter -- round, green, smooth-scaled reptilian head, etc -- was a very strong image that grabbed me.
Overall, good storytelling!
Best of luck with this.
And do drop by for a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

This is a Grim review

Chapter Two

I’ve had a re-read of the prologue and first chapter because it’s been a while and it seems pretty much as it did before.
I like “descended further into the planet.” Nice way to describe it.
“Being an only child…” I’m not sure why being an only child means he went with them on the safer expeditions. Is it because if he’d had siblings his family would have been willing to risk him? That doesn’t seem very likely.
“One drawback in solo caving…” This seems to come from nowhere as an idea. I don’t think it relates to him having a rest and eating. Or maybe it does? I wasn’t sure.
“He crawled up a much steeper slope than anticipating.” Should this end with something like “than he’d anticipated.”?
“Bumming forward…” I can only read this verb in one way, although I do know what you mean.
I think you use Philip’s name too often.
“Philip realised it wasn’t an animal…” This repeats the information we already know, from “A human skeleton!”
“though the material wouldn’t be found on earth.” This seems to me to give it away too quickly, or at least gives us the impression that Philip can tell very early on that he’s looking at something extra-terrestrial. I’d like him to not know for longer.
“his skeletal head…” Why not skull?
“it appeared bigger than the head.” It’d have to be or it wouldn’t fit.
Philip is making quite a study of this but has no emotion about it really. Since he speaks to Watson, you could show us how he’s feeling. At the moment, it’s like he expected it.
The ending is a little confusing. This is told more or less from Philip’s point of view so anything happening in the cave after he has fallen unconscious needs to be separated from the rest of the text somehow. A lot of chapters, especially second chapters for some reason, end with the main character passing out.

Nice to return to this.

Lucy

Read a bit. Sounds pretty good. Much better than average, at least. Provisional 5 stars and added to watchlist.

Revisited for Club Grimoire.

I liked your new prologue and introduction as it introduces the reader to the tale quite nicely, however, there are a few points you may wish to consider.

I expect you know there is a famous historical family called Simon De Montfort. I hope that will not cause any complications later?
Your pitch drew me in with the promise of Philip drawn back in time, and I am looking forward to the way he interacts with the Alien Presence. Unfortunately, there is little of this in the first chapter, but it is foreshadowed nicely.

There are a few clunky sentences and overwriting. (I can hardly believe I am writing that because I am normally so verbose, but a recant edit by a professional editor has opened my eyes to a new way of writing that omits unnecessary words and repetition.)

I feel the opening would work better if you started with the second sentence?

To give you an example of the changes I would make, and I would paraphrase one of your sentences as an example. I hope you will not mind the liberty.
' The creature was seeking something in the rain! As he crawled towards the small opening, he stumbled and fell, and as the water engulfed the body, Its last sight was the thunder and lighting overhead.'

This is a poor attempt to tighten the writing, but I hope you can see what I was trying to achieve.
I feel that like me; you are letting your love of words, and description get in the way of the essence of a good story, which is Goals Motivation and conflict.
All the best .Ray (Druids.)

A Club Grimoire Review
I felt I was getting too much information of various kinds to be really hooked by this opening: the prologue, describing the way the stories of the Devereux family were gathered and passed on is less interesting than the arrival of the aliens which follows it, and does not really add anything to the story. Also I was tripped by ‘Many tales were penned by ancestors who knew the written word’ – but they couldn’t have been written down by those who didn’t. And ‘those who could not write… were scribed by a family member ‘ – that sounds as if the non-writers were scribed rather than their stories. And however well preserved the parchments were they would be incomprehensible to modern readers unless they knew Old French, Old English or Latin – and were trained in reading medieval handwriting too.

The second half of the prologue, which is presumably the story being read to the children, is puzzling because it’s not clear how the Devereux ancestor knows about the arrival of the aliens. No one sees them – people are cowering in their houses because of the weather, and no watcher could know what happened to the one that fell through the hole into the cave. If Marcus is the Devereux narrator he only knows what happened to the one he tries to rescue – and that is only from the moment he finds it.

The first chapter then moves right away from the listening children, the aliens and the eleventh century monk to a modern pot-holer. If he is going to find the remains of the alien I would be inclined to start the story at the point where he makes the discovery as this is what would grip me and make me want to read on.

Sadly, this is as confused a read as when I first came across it months ago. It feels like an early and unpolished draft. The 'faux' agents on Jack Cerro's 'if I were an agent...' forum thread had given you some well balanced comments on how to tighten this up and make it understandable, but it all fell on deaf ears, I think.

I like what I have read so far. I am backing and rating 6 stars for now. I may comment more later.

This is a Grimoire Review

Devereux

This is creative and has a nice balance of fantasy and real-world, which I always like. Some of your descriptive passages are wonderful, especially the creatures in the storm. I’ve added some close crit below with the intention of being helpful. You don’t really have any typos or errors that I can see, so it’s mostly style stuff and very much just my opinion.

Prologue

This is a truly inventive opening. The children of an old family are learning for the first time about their family’s history - and it’s rather odd! Your descriptions of the creatures in the rain are lovely, and I’m drawn to the flamboyant monk, even if, as I suspect, he only appears here.

“word for word” is a strange way to describe the recording of an event, rather than speech. How can you record a battle word for word?
I think “forefather” could do with “another” in front of it, so we know it isn’t a “forefather” of the “ancestor”, because they came afterwards, not before.
“Future accounts had been added…” Are these accounts of the future? That seems unlikely so I guess you mean later accounts still? But they’d still be from ancestors and forefathers, wouldn’t they?
“is held yearly” might be better as “was held yearly” since the Prologue is written in the past tense.
“slaloming” is a great word. But is this supposed to have been written in 1076? If so, I don’t think it belongs.
The word “arrival” appears in the same paragraph too close together. I’d suggest swapping one for a synonym to stop it jarring. I’d say the same shortly afterwards about “unknown” and possibly “tunnel.”
I really like “never to view the skies again.”
“protesting squeals” I think this needs “its” in front of it, so we know who the squeals belong to.
“and never gave his discovery a second thought.” Seems to me to be unlikely!


Chapter One

I think you have too much stuff “emblazoned” on other stuff.
I like the Aladdin’s cave mention.
For me, the details of Philips preparation are too long, especially in a chapter where you’ve described his physical appearance, background etc and that of a few other characters too. I’d suggest getting him down that cave more quickly and/or giving us some of the information in a more interesting way. Five foot eight isn’t interesting - something like “could stand up straight in more parts of the mine than the other men” would be better, for example.

Overall, my impression from this brief read is that this is well-plotted. I really like that I can tell what’s going on (which isn’t true of as many books as it should be) and it’s also no bad thing to be able to guess that Philip is probably going to find your little alien in the cave. The monk is an interesting choice, and you’ve made him more than that too.

High stars for this well-plotted and imaginative beginning.

Lucy

Club Grimoire Review of "Devereux" by Pat O'Reilly

Hi Pat! Here I am for your long-awaited return read and review. ^_^ I'm sure that others have been gracious enough to point out any technical flaws there may be, so I'll just focus on the impressions I got from your story.

For some reason I've started this a few times, mainly because I kept getting hung up on that boat explosion. I felt as if I was missing something crucial, or that I should remember the details of this scene for later (which was distracting, but I'm easily distracted!). It also was hard for me to connect what was going on in the prologue and the beginning of the first chapter with the boat explosion, and then jump 19 years earlier; but once I got to the end of ch1 the narrative fell into a more linear flow, and was easier to follow.

I was beginning to really like it, but when I learned that Devereux was an old family name of Philips I really perked up and became intrigued. At that point I didn't give the boat explosion a second thought, and instead was excited for Philip to go into the cave and find the remains of the alien, and find out what the alien had.

So far this strikes me more as something of a scifi bent rather than fantasy, since I didn't see anything magical happening, but please bear in mind I've only read the first chapter, and I also admit I may have missed something. It's original in that respect, if magic is coming in later and in conjunction with space travel or aliens, and I'm anxious to see how everything ties in together--the Devereux name, the boat, the aliens and their objective, and what they had with them.

I wonder if you could increase the tension a little in the first chapter, maybe a sense of foreboding of some kind about going into the cave that day? As it was, I was more excited and anxious than feeling any kind of dread about what Philip would find there. If that's the impression you're going for, though, then please carry on and ignore me entirely, because you've done that very well.

All in all, I think Devereux has a lot of promise and potential, and it's clear you've put a lot of thought and effort into it. And I hope it's equally clear that I want to know what happens next!

~ Shelley

Interesting concept and good dialogue, I liked the prologue although anyone finding an alien being in those days would have thought they had a devil to hand.

The pitch promises a good read and I think Pat Rielly delivers.

Club Grimoire Review

I liked the opening scene with the lightning, you had some beautiful imagery there. Your language structure is fine, and from the pitch I can imagine you've got great imagination.
I was a bit unsure about the way you delivered, though. First the creatures in the storm, then the monk and the alien baby (which in itself is a very original idea), then the very short intro to the first chapter, followed by a very long flashback. It was too much back and forth for my taste. I got no sense of who it's about or what is going to happen, especially since you use the author's POV. If no one else has commented about this, then maybe it's just me, but maybe it's something to consider - is everything you write, in this exact order, necessary to understand the story? You had a lot of details about his childhood and about cave equipment, and though details are important, you are overdoing it to the point where the reader skips through it to get to the point.

With a bit of editing, I do believe this has potential, since the plot is interesting and unique.
I wish you all the best,
Sabina

Club Grimoire Review:

You leave enough hints between the prologue and the first chapter to hint at what will happen without having to spell it out. I have always been a fan of books where the characters are transported to strange land and have to cope with the unexpected customs, so this could be very much up my ally. However, it seemed, at times that the writing was a bit disjointed. As if you had written it over a period of time and not quite had a chance to sew it together. Perhaps it is just me though. I can see that all the parts are there but I felt the flow was interrupted from time to time. For example: when you introduce Brother Marcus the POV shift between author's voice and character's voice seems a bit abrubt to me. Have you thought of rephrasing it to something like: 'Brother Marcus pulled his hood low, clutching the reins tight.'

I think with some tidying up and consistency checks you could have a solid piece of work here.

Good Luck

Meagan

A BHCG Review

I read just until the end of chapter two and I found it hard going. I kind of had to force myself to the end of the chapter, which is never a good sign, at least as regards my view of the book.

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
I'm not sure if I like the brief, intermediate jump to the present day before going back 19 years. That short paragraph is intriguing enough but I don't get the impression we'll get any follow up any time soon (I can't load part 4 at the moment). The opening is a good idea, a little reminiscent of the Name of the Rose, and although I'm personally averse to alien stories it seems like a solid story. The second chapter eventually links up with this but it feels as though it's going through the motions to get there.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little
Chapter two is really slow and the addition of the useless backstory only exacerbates this. I don't know if this is fascinating for a seasoned potholer to read but I found it dragged and contributed little.

Characters/Characterization
As others have mentioned, the Marcus character is trampled a bit by the narrator. He seems like a decent sort but needs to be allowed express himself a little more. Despite all the time spent on Philip and his backstory, I didn't get much of a feel for him as a character.

Point of View/Voice
This needs some work, particularly in the opening chapter. There are a number of places in the first two chapters where the POV switches jarringly to the narrator's POV and he's telling us things which Philip should be showing us.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
Could do with some tightening. I don't recall too much in the way of a distinctive style. There's way too much description in the cave section and particularly far too much emphasis on exact dimensions.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
'Although' and 'however' show up a lot and these tend to cludge up the sentences they find themselves in.

Dialogue
I was kind of lost with the whole Watson thing. Did I miss something or is Philip mentally ill? The part where Marcus speaks to the alien is very unnatural sounding.

Originality
Monks, aliens and potholing - I've definitely never read a book featuring all three! I like that Philip has an unusual hobby and the Sherlock Holmes angle, whatever it is, usually appeals to me.

Publishability
I never know how to answer this one. I'd say not yet, in any case but maybe with some strict editing.

A few individual remarks:

pitch: switches tense back and forth from past to present

prologue:
The creature heard (what?) then saw lightning - is he hearing lightning? or hearing thunder before the lightning strikes?

'the creature' is repeated a bit too often. Some pronouns would help with this.
stormy weather and arrival - bit of a cliched opening. I don't mind myself but a lot of people hate a storm at the beginning of a story

'purposeful advent' - needlessly ornate language used here I feel

'donkey while pulling' - the while makes it read that the lightning is doing the pulling

'was transferred weeks ago' - had been transferred weeks before

amongst - should probably be 'between' when movement is involved

dialogue is peculiar - "at the moment I am not concerned" does not tally with the expressed sentiment

'afore' - why use just this one obsolete word, it makes the sentence sound amateurish or spoofy

where is the belt? where is the hand removed from?

'strangely never gave' - to whom is it strange? As the writer/narrator you must have a reason for him doing it so it shouldn't be strange to you

time is reversed as you describe him waking and then the dream

ch1:
Santa Ponca or Ponza or Ponça?

(a) hard slog... a position (in) - missing words in brackets

too many irrelevant adjectives throughout here

however...however - try avoid repeating the word so close together

paper (from) his jeans - missing word

ch2:

too much backstory. it's a slow enough read as it is, and this stuff is just making it slower

for him to breath(e) - missing letter

the use of stones for weight - could be limiting/alienating the audience a little. not sure if pounds or kilos would be any better, maybe compare to the size of something/someone?

had, will... wrong tense

too many precise measurements
Philip's writhed in pain - 's not necessary

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Club Grimoire:Devereux
Hi Pat.
Ok, so I had a critique I wrote two days ago, but I see you've polished it up a bit since then. So hopefully I'm not repeating anything that's been changed. Obviously, any crits are only my (very amateur) opinion, so they're yours to take or leave.
I enjoyed the opening scene - I could very much picture the two beams of light in the lightning storm, and I think there's a great atmosphere in it. I think your concept is original, and I don't know what's going on, but I'm interested in finding out!

On a more general note, I think sometimes the POV is betrayed - its written from the character's PoV (eg the monk), but then the narrator will insert a conclusion that's "telling me" too much, and not allowing the reader to reach their own conclusion. One example is "or perhaps the creature had implanted something in him." - I don't think Marcus came to that conclusion, so instead it's the author "telling" me. 
Anyway, here's some more detailed nits/thoughts throughout the chapter. 
Neither man nor beast could be out in the drenching conditions…or could they? - I'd get rid of the ... Or could they? - it feels a bit melodramatic
The being laboured for two miles; and then collapsed. - not convinced you need a semicolon here
when falling through a gap - I think this might work better as "as it fell"

"...that appeared important. Perhaps the package meant life or death for the creature.  - I think you're telling me too much here. I would describe the package, and maybe the way the creature holds tightly to it - but not mention its importance. The very fact that you've mentioned the package denotes the importance. 
"...and fell asleep; never to view the skies again." - I'd make this a separate sentence. "It fell asleep, never to..."
"and scolded by the Abbot" - should be "and BEEN scolded by the abbot"
"He hoped whatever science was available in the future; more might be learned about the creature." - I'd change "in the future" for "then" as you already have "future" in the previous sentence. But also, it's a but vague saying, "whatever science" - I think it could be better described.

Ok, hope that's helpful!
Ellie

Club Grimoire Critique

Hi there! I've been trying to read those who have read and reviewed the most in Club Grimoire first, but because of your hiatus I think I missed you (even though you've participated a lot). So here I am.

Hook: There are those who say that you should never open up with weather. I don't agree with never, because sometimes the weather is particularly significant to the story, but I don't think it worked as a hook for your prologue in this case. The fact that it's raining isn't something that draws me into the story. I also thought the mention of things that animals weren't doing to be oddly placed and not particularly meaningful.

Plot: The combination of monks and aliens is interesting. The monks lack of understanding over what he was looking at added to the clash of worlds in the prologue.

The short opening scene from your first chapter seemed really out of place to me. We're already jumping forward from the prologue, but then immediately jumping back nineteen years? And that short scene didn't really give me any important information or introduce a mystery that I found I really needed to read on to find the answer to.

I found it really hard to get into your first chapter because of the amount of time spent on descriptions of things I don't have a reason to care about yet. You stop the scene to describe what Philip is wearing, what he looks like, tell us the layout of the land, what all of his gear is and how he carries it, etc. It's good that you're adding realism to your story in these areas, but a lot of it would be much better intermixed with the actually story. It made me want to skim to the plot part of the story, and I found that by the end of the first chapter, the plot hadn't really started at all. Philip begins his caving trip, but nothing happens that gives any hint of the plot or makes me want to read on.

It's probably just because I live in Louisiana, but a Fluer-de-lis necklace immediately brings to mind the ridiculous amount of fleur-de-lis accessories that are sold here. Immediately raises an image of something a middle-aged lady who has too many cats would wear. That's probably not true anywhere else in the world, but I thought I'd let you know from a Louisiana-resident standpoint.

Dialogue: You do a good job of intermixing dialogue with actions. However, some of the lines themselves felt a little forced and somewhat orderone. Marcus' reaction to finding the creature, for instance. Using "AGGHH." as a way to show his reaction to pain is a bit corny, when really saying "He screamed." on a line by itself has the same effect.

One thing that I noticed in particular about your dialogue is the overuse of unecessary said book-isms. In a lot of these cases, for instance, "Graham remarked to his brother", "Stewart hoped", "Sid grumbled", "Mike guessed", "Mike cautioned", you're stating something that is alread obvious to the reader. It's better to just used "said" in these situations because that's a word that doesn't distract from the dialogue itself, while still making it clear who's talking. In other instances they just seem silly, for instance "chirped".

Overall: I think you have very clean writing that flows well, but there are a few areas that took away from the experience, in my personal opinion. I think that this story shows a lot of promise and I will definitely read more, but I probably would have enjoyed it more if something had actually happened plot-wise in the first chapter.

Club Grimoire

This is the first alien story I have read for some time but it felt quite original. The prologue left me with so many questions that I couldnt help but read on - What were these creatures up to? What caused their demise? Why did the monk react the way he did? Why did he take it to the cave? Was his reaction his own or something induced by the painful touch? etc...

The only negative comment I have about the prologue is that there is quite a lot of word repetition. This is especially noticable with "being" and "creature". Maybe you could rephrase some of the sentences to avoid this and get a bit creative instead.

The first chapter seems to be when you really settle down into writing and I love the natural style. This is especially apparent in the speech between your characters which flows really well.

High stars and on my shelf. I will be returning!

Cheryl x
Luna

Club Grimoire Critique

Prologue - This is an interesting scene you lay before the reader. A thundery, rain-heavy night in Gloucestershire, and then the emergence of two 'creatures'. While this initial scene did catch my interest, I found the POV a little difficult - I'm not an expert on this kind of thing so bear with me, but I thought it was unstable, appearing omniscient at times and then not at others.

The following scene with Marcus was better for that, but I thought his realisation that the tubes provided whatever the creature needed was a little weird - he's a monk, I'm not sure how he'd reach that conclusion. I also found his reactions strange - the creature touches him and causes a dreadful pain, but he appears to forget about this almost immediately, instead of questioning it or reacting with fear.

Chapter One - This was a nice, easy to go along with chapter. The action carries the reader along and I found the character of Phil intriguing, especially considering the apparent flash-forwards at the very beginning.

Overall I think you have a good idea, it just needs some editing on the technical side.

KT

From one Irishman to another I'm not going ot blow smoke up your arse! This would not be the type of book that I'd buy, but then again my choice of literature is based almost entirely around 1950's 1960's American authors. So what I will do is comment on your writing.

Probably a better line would be 'No bird sang nor fox squealed over the relentless...'
Also I'm not mad on 'the cosiness of the tunnel...' maybe a better line would be 'the solitude of the tunnel... '
Finally the colour of the alien seems a little too much like 'little green men'? Maybe reconsider?

Saying all that it is a very strong opening and it did keep me hooked as it was written in a simple, but effective manner.

For now I've added your book to my WL and rated it 5 stars.

You might like my book 'Broken Up, Breaking Down.' If you are looking for Irish'ness then maybe start with chapters 3,4 & 5.

Good luck with your book!

Eddie

Club Grimoir Review

Your pitch is good and naturally flows to the Prologue giving a good understanding of the first aliens final resting place. However, the second alien and the monk's activities I see remain a mystery. I didn't quite get the flashforward to 2005 with just a few paragraphs. I guess it lets us know that Phil did return because the twins know him and we know he left in 1988. Another mystery?

Your writing is good and so is the dialogue. I enjoyed the story.

Club Grimoire Review

Exciting pitch and prologue. The beginning of the prologue has a little problem. The word 'creatures' pops up quite a lot when 'it' or maybe another word, like 'being' would smooth it out. Read it aloud and it will help to remove repetitive words. I had the same problem with the same word in my visions. But I had to re-write quite a lot of my work to make it sound right.
You have some excellent dialogue in the first chapter, introducing your characters well. Its written at a nice easy pace, leaving the reader curious and wanting to read more at the end.
This is an enjoyable read, with an intriguing storyline; one I can't wait to read.
high stars for a great imagination.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Review
Back for another read! Thoughts - I like the original mixture of monks and aliens. I think the prologue still has some typos and bit that need smoothing out. 'slipping' needed in the bit where the first alien if on the ledge.
The motor boat blowing up is new isn't it? Great idea, a real hook. I thought their shock and horror could be brought out more strongly perhaps. The chapter is really good and the dialogue is excellent, it rings true and establishes Philip's character perfectly. He's a sympathetic protagonist. The only thing I wasn't sure about was his degree. If he's been doing it for seven years would it be a doctorate? In which case he'd be doing a dissertation and viva and the finals would have been long past. Probably doesn't matter but I wondered. Anyway a great chapter and I think your dialogue is a huge strength.

Club Grimoire Review:
Prologue:
This is a very original story; or at least I haven’t come across anything like it before. What seem to be aliens appear in the middle of a storm. Both seem unprepared for the rain and the dark and come to unfortunate ends.
One of my favorite things about this story is the use of understatement for humorous affect: “It didn’t see the ledge.” I guess not.
The other thing I liked was the contrast between Marcus and the alien; neither seem to have any understanding of the other.
Some nitpicking:
“The trees were trying their utmost to protect the forest floors from the torrential downpour.” This struck me as just a little bit odd. In fantasy there are often talking animals, sentient trees, etc., so I would be really careful of using personification this early in a fantasy novel. I don’t believe the trees are truly “trying their utmost to protect” anything, and besides, rain is good; the forest doesn’t need protected from it.
“a problem occurred” should probably be “a problem had occurred”
“It could hear and see the lightning coming from a small hole above the waterline.” I had to read this sentence twice, as on first read it sounded like the lightning was literally coming from a small hole. Maybe reword it like: “Through a small hole above the waterline, it could hear and see the lightning.”
“seeking something, the search was in vain” should probably have a semicolon instead of a comma.
“The creature squealed when falling to a larger cavern still clinging onto the package.” This sentence didn’t really work for me.
“for it may find” wrong tense; should be “for it might find”
“wanted to feed or give it water” should be “wanted to feed it or give it water”
“knowing it were alive” should be “knowing it was alive”
“the beings steps” should be “the being’s steps”
Your writing style comes across as slightly choppy—but this is one of those personal taste things, so definitely feel free to ignore.
Another style thing: you tend toward using “was” and “were” sentence constructions, which at least for me weakens the sentence’s force. For example: “Its eyes were finding it hard to adjust” Why not: “Its eyes found it hard to adjust” “Was” is also not a very vivid verb. For example: “was very protective of the package” I would love to see how the creature is actually active in a protective manner: clutching the package, refusing to let go of it even if that means being unable to break a fall, etc. etc.
The other main problem I had was I feel like you’re telling me too much and not showing me enough. This made the story feel a bit rushed. You’ve created a very interesting scenario and I really wished you would slow down and elaborate at some points. For example: when Marcus takes the being to the stable, what is he thinking and feeling? Is he scared he will be discovered? Tempted to tell someone else about the being? Is he at all frightened of it? How does he go about “making the creature comfortable for the night”? Does he try to confine the creature in some way? Etc. Just something you might want to consider.
Chapter one:
I like the level of detail you go into to show Philip’s preparation for entering the caves. It’s interesting to see what goes into this process.
You also do a good job of characterizing Philip: cheerful, not to concerned about possible dangers, enjoys teasing others, and skilled at what he does.
There’s also a very strong sense that something will go wrong in the caves.
Nitpicking:
My comments about the style in the prologue apply here too, though not to the same degree. I thought this chapter was a bit of a smoother read; it had a more polished feel to it.
“carried the last of his gear and put into the boot” should be “put it into”
“going caving” isn’t there a word specifically for cave exploration? Spelunking or something? I know nothing about the subject and so might be completely wrong.
I wasn’t entirely sure of the correlation between the first part of the chapter and then the section after the line break. You might want to consider putting in some clue about the chronological order like: “earlier that day” or “two months later” or whatever.
“the caves entrance” should be “the cave’s entrance”
“What’s up Sid” should have a comma after “up”
“Sorry Phil” should have a comma after “sorry”
“he walked to the right of the shop entering a second building” should have a comma after “shop”
“were you out all night in the pub with him” should probably have a question mark after it.
Other than that, I thought this looked pretty good and I’m curious to find out what Philip encounters in the caves.

Club Grimoire Review.

I’m afraid I gave up on this after the 3rd paragraph. I think you need to go through this and see if what you’re saying makes sense and whether all of it actually adds anything.

For instance: “the cracking of thunder and bright lightning flashes”. We know thunder cracks and lightning flashes are bright so why not just give us “thunder and lightning accompanied the deluge”?

“The Gloucestershire countryside inhabitants” is a gloriously contrived phrase that calls attention to itself, thus pulling the reader out of the story. “Throughout Gloucestershire, people cowered...” works better because it sounds more natural, more like something someone would actually say.

By “The Gloucestershire countryside inhabitants” do you mean all of them or just some of them? How many exactly? And are we talking about just people or animals as well?

“No bird could be heard singing, or fox squealing...” Heard by whom? And why tell us this? If we’re in a thunder storm, do we ever stop to see if we can hear birds singing? Is there anything remarkable given the circumstances about not being able to? And – thunder storm or not – the chances of hearing a fox squealing at any given time are remote. So not hearing one is hardly newsworthy.

“A nearby hill...” Nearby to what? You’ve set the scene as the Gloucestershire countryside, which suggests the hill was near Gloucestershire and I’m sure that’s not what you meant.

Then we get to the third paragraph. I’m not convinced lightning flashes would disguise two vertical beams. You say two small creatures searched aimlessly. How can a search be aimless?

If I read you correctly, the creatures have just entered the hillside, yet you say they’re deep inside the Earth. This seems rather contradictory.

After telling us their search is aimless, you say their arrival is purposeful.

And I’m afraid the rest of the paragraph seems nonsensical. I think when you talk about their arrival, you’re taking us back in time and you should be saying “a problem *had* occurred on their arrival” but I’m not certain.
Then you have lightning coming from a small hole above the waterline.

And I still don’t know where the two vertical beams came from and what they have to do with the creatures.

You seriously need to rewrite – at the very least – your third paragraph. It is totally confusing and likely to put off potential readers.

Club Grimoire Review:

Good storm description. It took a minute to realize that the ‘two small figures’ were the creatures in the next paragraph. The story that’s coming along is interesting. In the prologue, I did want more description of the creature. Like the English vocab, “runners” and “slog”. Chapter 1 brings a promise of great adventure and possibly horror. One could only hope :) . I did love the movie “The Descent.”

N. LaRonda Johnson
http://www.authonomy.com/books/45790/anticipation-of-the-penitent/

Cg review
Interesting premise, with blend of aliens, contemporary times and medieval era.
Para 3&4 of prologue a bit muddled: from 2 aliens searching together, sudden switch to them being seperated on landing.
'Unfortunately' and 'regrettably' both in same para: would work better if these were dropped, and we were shown instead of told. Same when alien falls - the drama is lost because it is told rather than shown.
Brother Marcus is an interesting character. Use of the word 'alien' feels anachronistic in this time setting - marcus later thinks of it as the 'being', much more suited to his medieval world-view.
A couple of punctuation and grammer issues, but overall an interesting idea.

Club Grimoire Review:

Very interesting mash-up of genres so far. From reading the prologue & first chapter along with the pitches, it appears you're going for something along the lines of 'Timeline' with a sci-fi twist. I'd like to see where you go with this.

My one little critique is the overuse of 'names' for each character. (Ex. Phil, the Graduate, etc.) It bogs down the otherwise very enjoyable flow of the story.

Best of luck!

Club Grimoire Review - Devereux
P J O'Reilly (Rielly)

**Prologue**

Very interesting start to the prologue – with the pounding rain and the introduction of two alien (I use this word loosely, since we don’t know what they are yet) creatures who obviously are scared, cautious and seek similar comforts to humans.

“The trees were trying their utmost” – this threw me off – trees are habitually inanimate objects, so unless they can actually move, or effect change (which is possible in a fantasy), this description doesn’t work for me.

Repetition of the word “two” in the third paragraph – affects the flow when two sentences in a row start with the same word but don’t have parallel sentence structures.

Again, in the fourth paragraph, starting with “Stumbling on thin legs” – the first sentence is good, the rest is choppy as you repeat the same words too often: “The creature”, “It crawled”, “It attempted”, “it struggled”, “The creature”, and finally “It laboured”. The description of is good, the desperation of the creature comes through clearly in your descriptive word choice – it’s just in the flow that is affected.

After the opening scenes, when Brother Marcus is introduced, the writing becomes more relaxed, the cadence settles and it becomes easier to read.

A little description of “the creature”, from Marcus’ point of view would be nice – what colour it it’s skin, shape of its body, head, hands, eyes – does it have eyes, a mouth (or two) and feet?

The creature’s method of protecting itself is interesting. If I were Marcus, I would be worried the creature would upset the horses in the stable – or that someone might accidentally find it – so I would stay with it through the night, just in case.

Oh – I see the description of the creature’s face revealed at the end of the prologue. Perhaps, when the helm is described, something could be mentioned that it completely covered the creatures features, because for me, a helm might not completely cover the face. I guess I’m not well versed in archaic armour.

**Chapter One**

Interesting bit of dialogue to open the chapter and draw the reader in.
During the conversation with Sam, Philip belabours the point of exams – it’s a bit repetitive and not really necessary.

Slamming the door shut on Sam seems a little mean. I tend to read a lot into small nuances of writing – but this action makes me think of Philip as being a bit immature and thoughtless.

“The graduate” – makes me think of the movie – sorry – I couldn’t resist, but that’s what popped into my head.
I do like that Philip is tiptoeing around Sid – it shows a more playful side to him.

“I normally have them items” – should be “those” – especially if Philip is as well educated as you say.
I do like the details of the equipment needed for caving – it shows you either have experience or did your research. I didn’t know it was so much work – but then again, the only “caving” I’ve done was a guided tour through a little cave in Aruba – we were each given a flashlight and told to walk straight through. A little unnerving.

“Before he closed the boot, Philip saw the high neck woolen jumper at the back.” – I don’t get the point of this – is it something he is going to add to his pack to bring with him?

I sense you are trying to infuse a bit of camaraderie between your characters – but something about it isn’t working – maybe there needs to be a bit more lead up before the “insults” start to fly – or maybe, I just don’t get it (It’s a very strong possibility).

Chapter One leaves the reader wanting to know what Philip will discover in the pothole – we can hope it’s the creature from the prologue, but there are always other possibilities.

You’re off to a pretty decent start.

Jenny

Looking forward to reading your work, so I put it on my watchlist.
Kindest regards,
John Life