Playing To A Different Tune

Thanks for checking out my story, the Texas cutie is just a slang here. I agree I need to edit story more, or better yet have someone else look over. I am in process of hopefully cleaning up mistakes here. Again, thanks you for the comments, it makes me work harder.

Hi RH, I like your title and the idea for the story so stopped by for a read.

I't may be a language/culture thing but 'Texas cutie' sounds a bit condescending to me. The rest of the pitch I like and encouraged me to read on.

My notes as I read (and I'm still learning, so please know just my opinion and welcome to ignore):
'who were hovered...' think the were is a typo.

Nick's name is repeated in the first few lines of dialogue - you tell us that the man's grabbing Nick's elbow so perhaps could drop his name from the beginning of that line.

'past by' - pass by

'With the confrontation over with now the rest of the band...' - no need for the now

Lots of those ly endings, a few from chapter one: patiently, disgustedly, sarcastically, heavily, hurriedly, playfully.

Some changes in tense, couple of examples in chapter one: 'all he wanted to do was head back to California to his new home that he's never even...'
and, 'Then a large video screen lowers down...'

I think you could cut the now's - they are repeated quite often in one paragraph and they also make it feel like you're switching tense.

So, I like how the chapter opens - there's good conflict between Nick and Randy, plenty of showing rather than telling. It's obvious from the start this is a band on the road and that Randy is causing issues. There's a good pace and I like this as an opening. Then the pace starts to drop away. The thoughts of his past feel a bit forced, to give the reader some backstory about his life in SoCal. This could be woven in later in the story to keep the momentum and hooks up in the first chapter.

POV switches - for example, in chapter two: 'Hey kid, don't you think it's kinda late to be hanging around out here? He asked, feeling stupid after asking that. Been in AJ's POV but this is a switch to his when you tell how he feels stupid. Again when he figures she's a skinny girl.

Clash of lifestyle and culture is an interesting premise to explore and often works well against the backdrop of a romance. Even in the opening chapters you give the impression that Nick and AJ are looking for something else in their lives, perhaps not totally satisfied with where they are and what they're doing. So, a good hook in what they want and how they cope with each other's lifestyles.

Hi RH, I like your title and the idea for the story so stopped by for a read.

I't may be a language/culture thing but 'Texas cutie' sounds a bit condescending to me. The rest of the pitch I like and encouraged me to read on.

My notes as I read (and I'm still learning, so please know just my opinion and welcome to ignore):
'who were hovered...' think the were is a typo.

Nick's name is repeated in the first few lines of dialogue - you tell us that the man's grabbing Nick's elbow so perhaps could drop his name from the beginning of that line.

'past by' - pass by

'With the confrontation over with now the rest of the band...' - no need for the now

Lots of those ly endings, a few from chapter one: patiently, disgustedly, sarcastically, heavily, hurriedly, playfully.

Some changes in tense, couple of examples in chapter one: 'all he wanted to do was head back to California to his new home that he's never even...'
and, 'Then a large video screen lowers down...'

I think you could cut the now's - they are repeated quite often in one paragraph and they also make it feel like you're switching tense.

So, I like how the chapter opens - there's good conflict between Nick and Randy, plenty of showing rather than telling. It's obvious from the start this is a band on the road and that Randy is causing issues. There's a good pace and I like this as an opening. Then the pace starts to drop away. The thoughts of his past feel a bit forced, to give the reader some backstory about his life in SoCal. This could be woven in later in the story to keep the momentum and hooks up in the first chapter.

POV switches - for example, in chapter two: 'Hey kid, don't you think it's kinda late to be hanging around out here? He asked, feeling stupid after asking that. Been in AJ's POV but this is a switch to his when you tell how he feels stupid. Again when he figures she's a skinny girl.

Clash of lifestyle and culture is an interesting premise to explore and often works well against the backdrop of a romance. Even in the opening chapters you give the impression that Nick and AJ are looking for something else in their lives, perhaps not totally satisfied with where they are and what they're doing. So, a good hook in what they want and how they cope with each other's lifestyles.

Thank you for the helpful critique, this is what I was hoping for.
RHIVEY

I read 2 chapters.

I like A.J. - she's a well developed character. I like that she's sensible.

The concert scene was good, I could relate to the noise.

There are some POV issues, and some awkward sentences. There are a few places where the tense changes from past to present and back.

These are minor issues and didn't detract from the story.

"A.J. glanced around watching the audience, mainly the girls that were screaming out Nick Cole's name thinking they were twelve years old."

Who was thinking they were 12 years old? A.J. or the fans?

I read 2 chapters.

I like A.J. - she's a well developed character. I like that she's sensible.

The concert scene was good, I could relate to the noise.

There are some POV issues, and some awkward sentences. There are a few places where the tense changes from past to present and back.

These are minor issues and didn't detract from the story.

"A.J. glanced around watching the audience, mainly the girls that were screaming out Nick Cole's name thinking they were twelve years old."

Who was thinking they were 12 years old? A.J. or the fans?

HI wondered if you would like to swap?

Will happily read yours

kate

http://www.authonomy.com/books/45554/off-the-rails/

http://www.authonomy.com/books/45472/back-to-you-/

Thanks, sorry I hadn't replied back, still trying to figure all this out.
R.H. Ivey

Still loving it...

Morgan H

come on give me some pro and cons on book, feeling lonely here.

I have uploaded two more chapters and updated some on chapter nine. Let me know what ya think. Thanks

Still loving it...

Morgan H

I have uploaded three more chapters, let me know what ya think.

I read all chapters posted. "Playing to a Different Tune" is fun, easy reading, and romantic.
I have no suggestions in edits, as I am not an editor, but what you have posted makes me want to read more of the story, or others you have written.

I am putting this on my watchlist and am going to check back for other postings.
Thanks for the fun read.

Morgan H