Embrace of the Spiral Arms

SF42

Hi Scott

I've only read the first 3 chapters, but I've made quite a few notes, and they'll start being repetative soon so I didn't go any further (also I have to get back to editing!). I like what I've read, and I like that it gives the feel of taking place in just a small part of a big galaxy. I suspect it'll open out, with the Defiant, but I quite like that feel. My notes:

- In the long pitch, you might consider replacing 'spriraling', just because it alludes to the title then. Very nit picky though.

- Also in the long pitch, 'embrace' just reads rather weak - maybe it's for a reason

- 'reserves were tapped' - means he has tapped into his reserves, yet these two sentences suggest that you're actually saying his reserves are exhausted.

- 'that was when he (began) to run'

- I'm not sure about having 'weakness' and 'disbelief' in italics. You're using italics for thoughts, and he certainly can't be thinking 'disbelief', so it doesn't read right ('Weakness', I didn't really notice, and he might have thought it)

- 'each (minute) vibration' - unless the vibrations are dancing, of course!

- 'Bloodlust filled his mind as (he) gathered his strength'

- 'red stream spurt(ed) from the open wound, dribbled, and then spurt(ed) again'

- 'eyes squint(ed) shut'

- I'd recommend making chapter 2....well, chapter 2. Having long chapters makes people less likely to read as much. If it seems to go on forever, they're not going to click onto the next.

- You've already said what ship they're on at the start of chapter 2, then you say it a second time, a few paragraphs down.

- 'Nothing new detected(,) sir'

- 'the usual(,) Captain' - the meaning is different without the comma.

- The sentence 'It was a difficult picture...' was a bit tricky, and I had to read it a couple of times. Rewording it to 'The computer systems readout presented a difficult picture' would work.

- 'the long(,) narrow hall'

- I'm confused by 'we hadn't found the animals that did this...' - is that a typo, that should be 'haven't'? Or is she saying they hadn't found anything, but then they didn't spot the animals down there, either? I suspect the former, as 'we hadn't found' doesn't really make sense in the latter case.

- 'good hands(,) Mr Pierce(,)...' and 'Thank you(,) Captain'

- 'in part he already did' - I think this needs to be between dashes, as commas seem a little bit too weak

- Conversely, I think 'about 5--maybe 10--minutes out' needs commas, as the dashes are too strong. It also needs 'five' and 'ten', as figures aren't meant to be used - certainly not with such small numbers.

- His description of the animal doesn't read quite right. For one thing, he uses wording that I don't think someone in that situation would, and also he goes into detail I'm not sure someone who's just lost 15 or so people would. I'd personally rewrite it as 'It was like a big ape. Wolf's head. Pure muscle. You can see how sharp the claws are.' Or something similar.

- '...whether they are sapiens or not...' - did you mean 'sapiens'? Or 'sapient'?

- 'Yeah' is the more usual spelling. Not that 'yea' is wrong.

- Kamric's first thought about the com - is he actually saying it, or just thinking it? If he's thinking it, it should be in italics - partly to keep consistency, partly because it's less confusing, and partly because putting thoughts in speech marks just isn't right.

- 'nothing more at fault in (the) whole incident'

- 'few of the officers [...] WILL have been dirtside'? Is this him thinking? There's no italics and no speech marks, so I assume not, in which case it shouldn't be present tense (or future).


I won't read any more for now, though I think I'd quite like to come back to it at some point. It is well written, though there are some things that hold it back a little (but only a little). I think the main things are a lack of commas where they are needed, sometimes changing the meaning of sentences. I didn't note every iteration of this, but there are quite a few - mostly, though, just where people are addressed. The second is contractions - you have none. When I first came to Authonomy, I thought contractions shouldn't be in writing, except in speech and thoughts, but it turns out it's perfectly acceptable. It also makes things smoother to read. Certainly I don't suggest contracting every contractable term, but some here and there to make it a bit smoother would work well, I think. But it's a style choice, do if you don't like them, there's nothing wrong with that either.

The only other suggestion I have, again, is to split up the actual chapters into Authonomy chapters. One thing I always saw a lot of when I was more active with critiques was people complaining about the length of chapters. They are likely to read more if its split into chapters. Think of it in terms of page turning, rather than having one huge long page!

I just went to paste this into the comments box and saw 'End Chapter One' at the bottom. I'm confused now. What are the numbers then? Are they numbered scenes within the chapter or something?

Anyway, I hope some of that helps :)

I'm going to have to be up-front and state from the outset I hate books set in space. It's really the one genre I just cannot stomach for whatever reason, so I know I won't be able to give a fully objective review of this. Add to that the length of the chapters and the 100,000+ words (incomplete)... What I can do is offer a nit-picking review of the first section - I can at least be objective about that and hopefully contribute something useful.

I can't make any sense of your short pitch. "Empires clash at world between" - are there words missing? Is 'world between' a place? It should have capital letters if so.

We open in a jungle with a man being chased. Excellent - I love jungles and who doesn't love a good chase scene (and this is a very good chase scene). Just as long as there are no bridges and holodecks and security breaches on the starboard hull we're laughing.

The second sentence has a semi-colon where there should be a dash or colon; the second part of it is not a stand-alone sentence. It's an editor's job to fix that but it's no harm showing a potential buyer that you know your grammar.

'his senses oriented on his pursuers'. Which senses? Hearing, presumably, but how well can he smell whatever is chasing him? Is it close enough to touch? Can he taste it? He probably can't see it unless he's running through the jungle with his head turned around. Has he a sixth sense?

He listened as he ran. So that clears that up. Is the previous line necessary at all? For me, if you ditch the 'mindless intensity' bit the opening reads much better. You want to keep that electric pace by shaving off as many words as possible.

Consider another word instead of 'marked' - the clues are giving away the hunters, not physically marking them. The noises can mark the arrival of the hunters, of course.

'slicing into his ears with inhuman vigor' - as a metaphor, this doesn't work. It's clunky and doesn't seem to describe anything specific. There is a loud, high-pitched, howl but beyond that you seem to be overly adorning the sentence with words that don't really fit. Make these sentences short and to the point. Again, the pace of the scene requires it. The same with 'flooded his awareness with fear' - I just don't think those words belong together. Let's be honest: he's running hell-for-leather away from some unseen, screaming thing - we can assume he's shitting bricks.

The next bit is good, but a 'nagging pain' refusing to 'be silent' is repeating the same metaphor of pain as a loud annoyance. He also forces a 'parched' swallow and there's a dryness in his throat. Repetition. Tighten it up. (you can get to about 50,000 words this way!)

The vines 'snared at him'. 'Snare' means to catch and doesn't take a preposition.

Thin branches cut thin lines - maybe avoid repeating the word thin?

I like the next image of the trees collaborating with the beasts to ensnare him and offer him up, but I think the -he who did not belong here- is superfluous. I'm already aware he's out of his comfort zone and once again you don't want to slow the narrative here.

I think using 'ancient' to describe the tree suggests a familiarity that should not exist. To recognise a tree as ancient requires some prior knowledge of how such things grow and age. The word also suggests respect, although granted he does display an admirable, if inexplicable acceptance that the trees deserve their pound of flesh.

You describe sweat to us. I don't think anyone needs to be told what sweat is or how it works. I get that you want to convey they sense of humidity (although you've already done it earlier in the passage) but I don't think this is really necessary. Instead, maybe try to describe with an apt metaphor how the muggy atmosphere makes him feel? You do this neatly with the next paragraph.

He hears a sharp crack and identifies it as a heavy footfall. How does that work? A heavy footfall would make a low, vibrating sound; a cracking branch makes the same sound no matter how it's broken.

How does he clear his ears? Do you just mean that because his breathing is softened he can no longer hear it? It's a bit of a clunky sentence and doesn't add anything.
The footfalls are soft and padding now, compared to the heavy ones of earlier. You use the verb 'stalk'quite a lot. Because it can mean to pursue a quarry as well as to walk with measured steps it's a little ambiguous. I don't really get what you're trying to say with the line that ends in 'cadence'. Make these sentences clearer - you have everything to gain by being to the point in this scene.

The 'nothing... predator' line doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. The woods-as-shroud metaphor I find a little forced.

"he begun to run" - missing a 'had here

He's trying to hide by making himself invisible but the creature is tracking him by scent?

"Slowly, cautiously" - the next bit is implied by this so doesn't need to be explicit.

"minuet" should probably be "minute"

"it snapped with a loud crack" - snap is onomatopoeic

A deep breath and a long breath are the same thing, I reckon.

"as gathered his strenght" - missing 'he' here

"spurt" should be "spurted" (x2)

He's forever forcing things down his throat. Maybe cut down on the instances of this?

"returning a measure..." - this sentence is badly formed. Make it short and snappy. (fair enough, the immediate danger is gone so he can afford to slow the pace but we still need to understand what you're saying!)

"perhaps some of them may have" - two conditionals where once suffices

This wolf thing has incisors and molars but no canines?

The rest of the section is very good. I love the covering himself with blood.

"squint" should be "squinted"

Throughout the first section you repeatedly refer to howls having a powerful energy that smash into the protagonist. Maybe you could add a line explaining exactly what is happening and what this energy is or what form it takes? I'm having trouble imagining it.

The next bit is all bridges and unidentified whatsits in the holodeck thingummy so I'll leave it there.

Hope this helps - I've pretty much only pointed out the bad but there's plenty of good in there, notably what seems to be a solid plot, plenty of intrigue and a good sense of pace.

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

Hey Scott:

I really like your writing style and the way the story locks you into wanting to know more. Great opening scene with the hunt. Lot's of description which I enjoy. I would suggest going through and doing a little more editing. Check for tenses and grammar. I'll probably come back and read more and I will back this book.

SF42

Hi Scott

I've only read the first 3 chapters, but I've made quite a few notes, and they'll start being repetative soon so I didn't go any further (also I have to get back to editing!). I like what I've read, and I like that it gives the feel of taking place in just a small part of a big galaxy. I suspect it'll open out, with the Defiant, but I quite like that feel. My notes:

- In the long pitch, you might consider replacing 'spriraling', just because it alludes to the title then. Very nit picky though.

- Also in the long pitch, 'embrace' just reads rather weak - maybe it's for a reason

- 'reserves were tapped' - means he has tapped into his reserves, yet these two sentences suggest that you're actually saying his reserves are exhausted.

- 'that was when he (began) to run'

- I'm not sure about having 'weakness' and 'disbelief' in italics. You're using italics for thoughts, and he certainly can't be thinking 'disbelief', so it doesn't read right ('Weakness', I didn't really notice, and he might have thought it)

- 'each (minute) vibration' - unless the vibrations are dancing, of course!

- 'Bloodlust filled his mind as (he) gathered his strength'

- 'red stream spurt(ed) from the open wound, dribbled, and then spurt(ed) again'

- 'eyes squint(ed) shut'

- I'd recommend making chapter 2....well, chapter 2. Having long chapters makes people less likely to read as much. If it seems to go on forever, they're not going to click onto the next.

- You've already said what ship they're on at the start of chapter 2, then you say it a second time, a few paragraphs down.

- 'Nothing new detected(,) sir'

- 'the usual(,) Captain' - the meaning is different without the comma.

- The sentence 'It was a difficult picture...' was a bit tricky, and I had to read it a couple of times. Rewording it to 'The computer systems readout presented a difficult picture' would work.

- 'the long(,) narrow hall'

- I'm confused by 'we hadn't found the animals that did this...' - is that a typo, that should be 'haven't'? Or is she saying they hadn't found anything, but then they didn't spot the animals down there, either? I suspect the former, as 'we hadn't found' doesn't really make sense in the latter case.

- 'good hands(,) Mr Pierce(,)...' and 'Thank you(,) Captain'

- 'in part he already did' - I think this needs to be between dashes, as commas seem a little bit too weak

- Conversely, I think 'about 5--maybe 10--minutes out' needs commas, as the dashes are too strong. It also needs 'five' and 'ten', as figures aren't meant to be used - certainly not with such small numbers.

- His description of the animal doesn't read quite right. For one thing, he uses wording that I don't think someone in that situation would, and also he goes into detail I'm not sure someone who's just lost 15 or so people would. I'd personally rewrite it as 'It was like a big ape. Wolf's head. Pure muscle. You can see how sharp the claws are.' Or something similar.

- '...whether they are sapiens or not...' - did you mean 'sapiens'? Or 'sapient'?

- 'Yeah' is the more usual spelling. Not that 'yea' is wrong.

- Kamric's first thought about the com - is he actually saying it, or just thinking it? If he's thinking it, it should be in italics - partly to keep consistency, partly because it's less confusing, and partly because putting thoughts in speech marks just isn't right.

- 'nothing more at fault in (the) whole incident'

- 'few of the officers [...] WILL have been dirtside'? Is this him thinking? There's no italics and no speech marks, so I assume not, in which case it shouldn't be present tense (or future).


I won't read any more for now, though I think I'd quite like to come back to it at some point. It is well written, though there are some things that hold it back a little (but only a little). I think the main things are a lack of commas where they are needed, sometimes changing the meaning of sentences. I didn't note every iteration of this, but there are quite a few - mostly, though, just where people are addressed. The second is contractions - you have none. When I first came to Authonomy, I thought contractions shouldn't be in writing, except in speech and thoughts, but it turns out it's perfectly acceptable. It also makes things smoother to read. Certainly I don't suggest contracting every contractable term, but some here and there to make it a bit smoother would work well, I think. But it's a style choice, do if you don't like them, there's nothing wrong with that either.

The only other suggestion I have, again, is to split up the actual chapters into Authonomy chapters. One thing I always saw a lot of when I was more active with critiques was people complaining about the length of chapters. They are likely to read more if its split into chapters. Think of it in terms of page turning, rather than having one huge long page!

I just went to paste this into the comments box and saw 'End Chapter One' at the bottom. I'm confused now. What are the numbers then? Are they numbered scenes within the chapter or something?

Anyway, I hope some of that helps :)

Hi Scott,
I just read the first chapter of Embrace of the Spiral Arms and I have to say that I'm impressed with your flawless third-person voice.

The pace is timely, characters are well-structured and the story flows well.

You certainly know how to balance dialogue with strong description, and your writing delivers.

I gave you 6/6 stars and look forward to reading more.
Best wishes,
Lucette Cohen Fins- Ten Deep Footprints

Dear Scott,
I run too :) and it is an amazing start so good described with all the thoughts and feelings. You perfectly plotted how in one second or very short time our life can be replayed.
I add your book on my watchlist to read more but for now the most of stars.
Thank you for sharing!

Hi Scott I read chapter 5. Being a Treckie and loving sci fi, I thought this was great, it seems to resenate a keen interest and excitement for the same. The characters were easy to warm to and the dialogue was interesting and kept me hooked. There are a lot of similar stories about space exploration out there, if this has a USP then you should do very well.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

A HBJ review swap

Scott,

Whew, what a fantastic beginning! I found myself glued to the screen from the first line, and I couldn't tear myself away until the scene changed. You have a great instinct for knowing when to fill in the appropriate details and when to leave it lean to keep the action flowing.

Your characters are top notch. Full of realistic flaws and strengths, full of real hopes and fears, and with a host problems that arise, both mundane and extraordinary.

I found myself wanting to follow Michael's storyline above the others and I caught myself skimming through them until I could get back to him. Perhaps you need a single character we are concerned about on 'Defiant', too? I really felt the scene on 'Defiant' was pretty generic as far as characters. There wasn't one single one that I was following above the others at first, and for whatever reason I didn't find the captain relatable.

Kate's storyline was also one I like to follow, mostly because of her connection to Michael. I am very curious about their relationship and what is keeping them apart. Nice sub-plot.

You set the scenes with impressive detail and I truly feel I am wherever the characters are. I can also see the steady building of a very large plot hatching and want to find out how everything is connected, as I feel it must be.

Really, really great read.

I did find the odd typo. Impossible little critters to eradicate, aren't they?

Ch. 1 - "His eyes squint shut." Should it be 'squinted'?

Ch. 2 - missing word in ( ) - "It slammed shut with (a) loud pop."
- "He was planned to be used." Should it read 'planted'?
- "....his uniform was rumbled and soiled..." Should it be 'rumpled'?
-"Karmic nodded toward the bunk beside his desk.'Have (a) seat.'"

ch.3 - "As quickly (as) she had come the ..."

"Also, when you directly address a character in dialog you should place a comma before their name, Scott," admonished April.

My favorite part, above all, is the action, because I'm an action lovin' girl. And you do it as well as any author I have read. Thank you for sharing this!

April Gray
The Illusion

I'm going to have to be up-front and state from the outset I hate books set in space. It's really the one genre I just cannot stomach for whatever reason, so I know I won't be able to give a fully objective review of this. Add to that the length of the chapters and the 100,000+ words (incomplete)... What I can do is offer a nit-picking review of the first section - I can at least be objective about that and hopefully contribute something useful.

I can't make any sense of your short pitch. "Empires clash at world between" - are there words missing? Is 'world between' a place? It should have capital letters if so.

We open in a jungle with a man being chased. Excellent - I love jungles and who doesn't love a good chase scene (and this is a very good chase scene). Just as long as there are no bridges and holodecks and security breaches on the starboard hull we're laughing.

The second sentence has a semi-colon where there should be a dash or colon; the second part of it is not a stand-alone sentence. It's an editor's job to fix that but it's no harm showing a potential buyer that you know your grammar.

'his senses oriented on his pursuers'. Which senses? Hearing, presumably, but how well can he smell whatever is chasing him? Is it close enough to touch? Can he taste it? He probably can't see it unless he's running through the jungle with his head turned around. Has he a sixth sense?

He listened as he ran. So that clears that up. Is the previous line necessary at all? For me, if you ditch the 'mindless intensity' bit the opening reads much better. You want to keep that electric pace by shaving off as many words as possible.

Consider another word instead of 'marked' - the clues are giving away the hunters, not physically marking them. The noises can mark the arrival of the hunters, of course.

'slicing into his ears with inhuman vigor' - as a metaphor, this doesn't work. It's clunky and doesn't seem to describe anything specific. There is a loud, high-pitched, howl but beyond that you seem to be overly adorning the sentence with words that don't really fit. Make these sentences short and to the point. Again, the pace of the scene requires it. The same with 'flooded his awareness with fear' - I just don't think those words belong together. Let's be honest: he's running hell-for-leather away from some unseen, screaming thing - we can assume he's shitting bricks.

The next bit is good, but a 'nagging pain' refusing to 'be silent' is repeating the same metaphor of pain as a loud annoyance. He also forces a 'parched' swallow and there's a dryness in his throat. Repetition. Tighten it up. (you can get to about 50,000 words this way!)

The vines 'snared at him'. 'Snare' means to catch and doesn't take a preposition.

Thin branches cut thin lines - maybe avoid repeating the word thin?

I like the next image of the trees collaborating with the beasts to ensnare him and offer him up, but I think the -he who did not belong here- is superfluous. I'm already aware he's out of his comfort zone and once again you don't want to slow the narrative here.

I think using 'ancient' to describe the tree suggests a familiarity that should not exist. To recognise a tree as ancient requires some prior knowledge of how such things grow and age. The word also suggests respect, although granted he does display an admirable, if inexplicable acceptance that the trees deserve their pound of flesh.

You describe sweat to us. I don't think anyone needs to be told what sweat is or how it works. I get that you want to convey they sense of humidity (although you've already done it earlier in the passage) but I don't think this is really necessary. Instead, maybe try to describe with an apt metaphor how the muggy atmosphere makes him feel? You do this neatly with the next paragraph.

He hears a sharp crack and identifies it as a heavy footfall. How does that work? A heavy footfall would make a low, vibrating sound; a cracking branch makes the same sound no matter how it's broken.

How does he clear his ears? Do you just mean that because his breathing is softened he can no longer hear it? It's a bit of a clunky sentence and doesn't add anything.
The footfalls are soft and padding now, compared to the heavy ones of earlier. You use the verb 'stalk'quite a lot. Because it can mean to pursue a quarry as well as to walk with measured steps it's a little ambiguous. I don't really get what you're trying to say with the line that ends in 'cadence'. Make these sentences clearer - you have everything to gain by being to the point in this scene.

The 'nothing... predator' line doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. The woods-as-shroud metaphor I find a little forced.

"he begun to run" - missing a 'had here

He's trying to hide by making himself invisible but the creature is tracking him by scent?

"Slowly, cautiously" - the next bit is implied by this so doesn't need to be explicit.

"minuet" should probably be "minute"

"it snapped with a loud crack" - snap is onomatopoeic

A deep breath and a long breath are the same thing, I reckon.

"as gathered his strenght" - missing 'he' here

"spurt" should be "spurted" (x2)

He's forever forcing things down his throat. Maybe cut down on the instances of this?

"returning a measure..." - this sentence is badly formed. Make it short and snappy. (fair enough, the immediate danger is gone so he can afford to slow the pace but we still need to understand what you're saying!)

"perhaps some of them may have" - two conditionals where once suffices

This wolf thing has incisors and molars but no canines?

The rest of the section is very good. I love the covering himself with blood.

"squint" should be "squinted"

Throughout the first section you repeatedly refer to howls having a powerful energy that smash into the protagonist. Maybe you could add a line explaining exactly what is happening and what this energy is or what form it takes? I'm having trouble imagining it.

The next bit is all bridges and unidentified whatsits in the holodeck thingummy so I'll leave it there.

Hope this helps - I've pretty much only pointed out the bad but there's plenty of good in there, notably what seems to be a solid plot, plenty of intrigue and a good sense of pace.

Richard
http://www.authonomy.com/books/44838/where-chana-sings/

i echo the review below. very fair. this story is developed nicely. i am not sure i am so keen on your cover, tho! is a bit misleading, because this story is emotional.
j
what every woman should know

SF42 REVIEW

This review expresses my reaction to the book. I generally do not spend much time pointing out errors and such or giving any real literary criticism. I am the market for this book. I read for escape and this is an excellent book for that venture.

Your characters are so well developed. I have a sense that they all have extensive histories and family trees. What we see and learn about them in the story is just a small fraction of what makes them the multidementional characters. I enjoy reading books with characters that I sense are delivered developed. The relationships and the emotions are so very real.

The book breaks out of the gate like steer being chased down by a cowboy at a rodeo. It just blasts out onto the pages. I got so involved I had to go back and read it again. Vivid language that painted for me the pictures I believe you intended. A bit of Jurasic Park came to mind (from the book not the movies). An alien land with vicious beasts that bring terror to the reader. The scene at the LZ was clear in my mind as well. I kind of did a little eye roll when Michael is the only survivor but that is quickly understood.

The location statements have to be watched. I overlooked the first one and became so lost because I expected the story line to continue not change the POV to a totally different ship. My mistake and something I have a not so good quirk of mine to over look italics. Once I realized we are going back and forth between two space ships I'm fine. Both story lines are very interesting.

I supposed each reader will relate to the characters their own way. I am fairly sympathetic with Mr. Jarvis. Very cagy and a committed person. We most of the time latch onto the big boys when they are the first introduced, but I think Jarvis has a significant message. I like my universe to have independent worlds and not colonies. It is not common for the explorers and frontier breakers to leave newly discovered world to themselves. I do hear a definite message developing in the book.

[edit] The dialogue is great! Just had to add that.

I've read the first two chapters and want to read more. Since it is not complete I may wait until it is available in book or e-book form.

Paul

When I saw that chapter 1 broke one of my personal taboos (It's probably just me, but I hate it when I'm kept in the dark about a character's name; just give me the name right up front!) I moved ahead to chapter 3. I was thrown, at first, by the small sections that move between very different story lines, such as the Kragan firing at the defenders from the planet only to then be thrust into the nice jungle conflict (sort of like Viet Nam meets Planet of the Apes; I enjoyed this part a lot). I jotted down notes whenever I came across something:

'...leaving a trail wispy glow...'
The names Korban and Kragan being so similar to each other made me keep double-checking what I was reading.
'...to the clear the landing routes...'
'...with close-cropped bread...'
'...rather pushing through...' (I assume it should be 'rather than pushing through)
'...reverberated broke...'
'...the more distant ones were more hallow...' Two uses of 'more' there, and I assume 'hallow' is meant to be 'hollow'?
'...the clear the way...'
'...sprang from dense curtain...'

I see a lot of promise here, though I assume this is still a rough draft? The one thing that really throws me is the short sections that jump all around. I don't mind jumping, but I think it would work better for me if each section had a full mini-arc of some kind. The one section with the Kragan killing the defending ships seemed to have nothing suspenseful to it, as it was just a ship killing off a few attackers. If you pull us into each section more, then I could see this being a really fun story.

Scott

A wonderful opening, straight into the action and gets the reader right into it in the same way as Melville did with 'Call me Ishmael' and 'See the kid' for McCarthy (my favourite books).

The chase is well tempoed with a rhythmn in your writing which has a confidence belying an unpublished author. I love the pauses in itallics which works well. I sincerely cannot criticise the writing which is something I like to do in a constructive way but the spelling and grammar are first rate.

If I were to criticise I would say break up the chapters into proper sections when you upload, only because readers like me struggle with reading from a computer and a long scroll is sometimes daunting.

Good opening, well written, five stars and no edit recommendations.

Maria

Hitting the ground running. Literally. Good, pacy opening scene, very filmic in style - easy to follow this breathless chase. And the writing that follows lives up to the opening. There is a confident author here at work.

Because of this strident, authoratative opening, I have no doubt that the back story here is rich with research and accuracy. This is not my genre or area of expertise, so I'm happy to go with the technical flow and believe every word. That is why the opening is so important. The guy gets you believing, then anything is possible.

This rolls along like a movie playing in the head. Highly starred and on the watch list, and when the complete book is there it will be on the shelf too.

Cas