Twell

I. Love. This. BOOK!!! Kate, this is a fantastic romance/fantasy young adult novel! The events that took place in 'Twell' were really interesting to read, your character is so likeable, Jonaz is adorable; their relationship that grows from cold to hot with all that tension is so frustrating yet you satisfy us towards the end. Awesome book, i'm definitely backing it. *fangirling* :D Keep writing!
~Manda :)

Hi there
YARG review
Well wow, I have two things to say, I loved this, and when is the next book coming out. What a cliff hanger you left the ending on. I so hate it when that happens.
I ended up reading the first four chapters and liked it so much I downloaded a copy for my kindle as I prefer to read that way rather than on here.
The characters, the plot, the romance, the sci fi world were all well rounded, described to a tee and so enjoyable, it was hard to put the book down.
I read a lot of books on Amazon in this genre and this one is just as good if not better than most of the YA fantasy romance out there. I will also leave a review on Amazon for you.
Absolutely fabulous, best of luck with it, but I'm sure it will do well.
Jxx

Wow. This was the best YA story I've read in awhile. If this doesn't make it to the shelves of bookstores, the rest of us are in trouble. There are a few misspelled words and some punctuation that needs tidied up, but overall a great story with very strong writing and the conversation flowed welll between characters. Two thumbs way up for this story...and you could make a sequel :)

YARG review

I really, really like this book. It has echoes of the Hunger Games, 1984 and The X-men whilst still being an original story in its own right. I like Twell, she's a fiesty one that one! I have given it five stars but my gut instinct was also to back it, so I have. I asked myself - would I spend £6/ £7 pound on this? And the answer was Hell yes! So that's why I've put it on my bookshelf.
Unfortunately, I have no constructive criticism to give, it's got me a bit lost for words because when I read it I was sucked into the world and made no notes - which is a very good thing!
Good luck with this!

Nik
Silver Bullet

This is a fabulous book. I wish you all the best with it's publication. I was drawn into the story right from the beginning. I started the story thinking that Twell was a typically spoiled, self-absorbed teenager. But quickly we begin to see that Twell is more than just suffering normal teenage angst. By the end of the book, we've completely adopted her as our heroine. I hope there's another book on the way. When it's e-published and available for Nook, let me know.

The sci-fi world of Como is skillfully built. I could really see the landscape, the people, and the sociological nuances; it's really well done.

The maturation of Twell is tied into her heart, and I love that we get to see so deeply into her psyche. We absolutely despise Mira at the beginning, and grieve with her at the end. We hurt for her unrequited love with Chaz, but then agree with her that Jonaz is the one. Then you twist us all around by pairing her with Avin...so not fair.

I completely love this book. Six stars from me.

Laura Emmons
Granny Magic

I noticed a couple of typos. Hope it helps.
Ch 4 2nd to last para. you're spelled your're
Ch 13 Mr grabby should be Mr. Grabby
8 para. later, needs quotation mark after 'that?'
Ch 14 'If there was anyone to convine me..."
There are numerous places whre you use double quotes and other places where you use single quotes. They sould all be double quotes.
You are missing many commas. I'm also comma-phobic, so I can't say too much about it, except that a potential publisher might want you to fix them all.

I like the subtle way you portray the sinister overtones of this future world, with the controlling government advice. It reminded me a bit of a Margaret Atwood sort of distopia. And then I got so into your bitchy, vibrant narrator, who has the sort of emotions everyone can identify with. I hope she will be able to stand up to the subtle controls being exerted on ths students. This is an original and exciting peice of writing. Great!

CWOG Ch. 6

Hi Kate,
I came back for more!

In this chaper, we see the aftermath of Twell and Jonaz's tiff, and Twell continues to feel lots of anguish over Chaz and his lack of romantic feelings for her.

I found some minor wording problems in this chapter, and a couple of typos I wanted to point out. In an edit, you may want to consider going through and cutting out any extra words/phrases that you don't need. Here's the ones that I notcied:

“…and not the shameful scene that just occurred.” - We already know what has occurred, so you don't really need that add-on.

“Feeling drained, I sat down promptly at my desk.” - You can cut out "promptly." I don't think the word really fits here, and there's not much to sitting down at a desk.

“Talk.” He commanded me, his eyes bright with excitement” – I think the first thing he says is enough, and he's already "demanded" in the paragraph, so I don't think you need him "commanding."

"my uncertainty growing" - she's already told us she is unsure, so this is just kind of repetitive.

"I tried to muster the enthusiasm he seemed to be radiating" - you can just say "he radiated"

"she kicked and squealed in appropriate reaction as he..." - I think "she kicked and squealed as he..." would be better. The "appropriate reaction part" was kind of confusing.

Typos:

"roated" instead of "rotated"
"was out the question" instead of "was out of the question"

I still think this is a great story for the genre; I would have gobbled it up in high school. You have a great triangle, and for poor Twell, her relationships are so traumatizing to her. I teach juniors in high school, and I can see some of my students reflected in your characters. I'm not very far into the story, but I see Twell heading in the direction of a kind of self-realization about judging those around her. Her view of others, so far, is very black and white; e.g., Chaz is JUST perfect, Jonas is JUST a jerk, and Mira is JUST a brat. Everything that happens to her is the most serious thing in the world.

I look forward to seeing how she developes through the novel. I'll be back for ch. 7 :)

A.B. Kline
Emily's Extraordinary Friends
Souls of Stone

Yarg review
wow i really enjoyed this story. i only noticed a few spelling errors but not very many. i love your charecters, i think this should do well do you plan to upload more stories in the future?

Dear Kate,
I just finished reading Twell. I absolutely love the book. The only thing I found wrong was that when your characters directly addressed another character you didn't put commas where they belonged. Also I really hope you're working on a second book, becouse you never tell the reader who her partner is. I mean, really? I was so frustrated that I had to take out a stress ball and squeeze it so I wouldn't break my computer. Looking forward to the next book.
with love and kindness,
Sword of Fire

This was fun, fast-paced and funny in all the right places. I meant to read a few chapters but stayed till the end in one sitting. I loved Twell's unrequited crush on Chaz, that worked really well. I liked the pacing, it kept me going. The POV and the MC are great. Some very small quibbles. For most of the book the inner dialogue was terrific, but there were a couple times where words like 'totally' or ' that was "so" not what I wanted' snapped me out of it, put me into present day. The all white/silver decor and clothing made me think of sci-fi spoofs, but maybe you meant to do that. Last thing is the big scene in the aquifer, I think you can make her feel a lot more scared, put more creepy unknown sounds/smells or something, give her some unknown to be afraid of to give her more tension to deal with. Her decision to save Jonaz and her response to the enemy girl's death could have more depth too, more freaking-outedness :) It's a good scene, but I felt as if she skated through it emotionally. Good luck with this, it's an enjoyable read and I was able to get inside Twell's head. - Deb

I. Love. This. BOOK!!! Kate, this is a fantastic romance/fantasy young adult novel! The events that took place in 'Twell' were really interesting to read, your character is so likeable, Jonaz is adorable; their relationship that grows from cold to hot with all that tension is so frustrating yet you satisfy us towards the end. Awesome book, i'm definitely backing it. *fangirling* :D Keep writing!
~Manda :)

Hi there
YARG review
Well wow, I have two things to say, I loved this, and when is the next book coming out. What a cliff hanger you left the ending on. I so hate it when that happens.
I ended up reading the first four chapters and liked it so much I downloaded a copy for my kindle as I prefer to read that way rather than on here.
The characters, the plot, the romance, the sci fi world were all well rounded, described to a tee and so enjoyable, it was hard to put the book down.
I read a lot of books on Amazon in this genre and this one is just as good if not better than most of the YA fantasy romance out there. I will also leave a review on Amazon for you.
Absolutely fabulous, best of luck with it, but I'm sure it will do well.
Jxx

Wow. This was the best YA story I've read in awhile. If this doesn't make it to the shelves of bookstores, the rest of us are in trouble. There are a few misspelled words and some punctuation that needs tidied up, but overall a great story with very strong writing and the conversation flowed welll between characters. Two thumbs way up for this story...and you could make a sequel :)

YARG continued
Chapter Eight
What a great chapter. Thoroughly enjoyed this one. Plenty of action which you describe really well. Great stuff and it ends brilliantly.
Only one error I found:
'His said sincerely' should be 'he said sincerely.
Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.
All the best
Julia

YARG review

I really, really like this book. It has echoes of the Hunger Games, 1984 and The X-men whilst still being an original story in its own right. I like Twell, she's a fiesty one that one! I have given it five stars but my gut instinct was also to back it, so I have. I asked myself - would I spend £6/ £7 pound on this? And the answer was Hell yes! So that's why I've put it on my bookshelf.
Unfortunately, I have no constructive criticism to give, it's got me a bit lost for words because when I read it I was sucked into the world and made no notes - which is a very good thing!
Good luck with this!

Nik
Silver Bullet

YARG/YALF
Chapter Seven
I don't have many comments about this chapter. It's exciting and well-written. I have to confess though, that it is the first time I feel that you shouldn't break the chapter in the middle of the action. Unlike others I'm not against this on all occasions, but in this particular instance you haven't stopped at a strong climactic point. The reader needs to see the end of this scene before a new chapter is started. That's my thoughts anyway.
Back soon
Jx

YALF/YARG
Apologies this is so late.
I've read a number of chapters of this before but it always good to visit an old favourite.
Chapters 1 - 4
You've got some good comments already so I won't repeat what has already been said. Some general comments on the first four chapters. It's an intriguing start. I like Twell very much -she's a very believable mc. And I like the set up - I think this has great potential with your target readership. You should get a great many fans.
Chapter Five
I have started to notice that there are a lot of names beginning with 'M'. It may not matter to most but being a simple-minded soul I have found it rather confusing.
I like the part where Twell throws Jonaz across the desk.
Chapter Six
A few too many 'for the planet's sake'. The one in this chapter is missing its apostrophe.
'narrow eyed' should be hyphenated.
'because It had been' need lower case It
Chaz is quite an irritating character - he's a bit goody-two-shoes. I guess there's a reason for this, but at the moment I can't understand why Twell likes him so much. I would have thought a girl like Twell would have been annoyed by him. I'm sorry I don't have time to comment on more at the moment. I'll try and return for some more soon, although it will be YARG rather than YALF.
All the best with your writing.
Julia

Hi Kate -

Great opening you build your world really well.

Only thing I would say is sometimes you use too many adverbs and /or give the reader too much. Let us do a little work. Just needs a little tightening. I'll give you two examples

First Sentence - "struggled, slowly" - I think the slowly is redundant - would be stronger with just struggled.
2nd paragraph - show don't tell - I would write, "chest tight with the thought of missing out .." you have already given us the feeling - reader doesn't need the 'mortal fear' - love "air waster'
I am excited to read more and see how she uses her powers for evil on mira.

If you could return a read sometime I would appreciate it. Highly starred.

Cheers

Jimmy

Hi Kate -

Great opening you build your world really well.

Only thing I would say is sometimes you use too many adverbs and /or give the reader too much. Let us do a little work. Just needs a little tightening. I'll give you two examples

First Sentence - "struggled, slowly" - I think the slowly is redundant - would be stronger with just struggled.
2nd paragraph - show don't tell - I would write, "chest tight with the thought of missing out .." you have already given us the feeling - reader doesn't need the 'mortal fear' - love "air waster'
I am excited to read more and see how she uses her powers for evil on mira.

If you could return a read sometime I would appreciate it. Highly starred.

Cheers

Jimmy

CWOG, YARG and YALF Review

Hi Kate,

I’ve taken about a day and a half to read and review your book, Twell, in its entirety. First off, let me say how much I enjoyed it. I don’t often read books on Authonomy cover to cover, but yours thoroughly hooked me and I couldn’t stop until the end. Though it may not seem like it, the proof that I liked it is in the amount of notes I’ve taken, so please, take the notes as a compliment.

Twell really is a well-written book. It sort of reminds me of the "Matched" trilogy. You’ve done a great job developing your story, giving us just enough information to move the story along, but keep us guessing. The pacing is good and each chapter leaves us with a bit of a cliff-hanger, making us turn yet another page, despite the fact the reader (in this case, me) has a ton of things she is supposed to be doing.

My only real complaint is that this seems to be the first in a series and, as you are most likely from a different country than me, I will probably never find out how it ends.

OK, on to my notes. Most of them are typos and such, but there are a few points about plot and other thoughts as well. Please take or leave what I say.

Chapter 1:
- I would put your messages from the capital in either quotations or italics to distinguish them from the rest of you narrative.
- I think there needs to be more of an explanation about the 10 moons a year equaling 10 years of age. It took a little while for me to figure that out. When you said Twell was 180 year old, I took it very literally at first.
- “Particularly when on offer from an up-himself…” – This sentence struck me as a bit awkward.
- “… park stealing you just demonstrated, nothing(period)”
- “… protective gesture(no comma) that tore a little…”
- The bit where she’s talking to Mira and Chaz about their date and you go into the back-story is great. However, it’s a bit long and we forget what had already been said when we come back to the dialogue at “That’s great, good for you.”
- This is a wonderful opening chapter. Twell’s narrative voice is strong and engaging. She’s got personality and it shows in everything you write. You’ve also clearly depicted some of the societal issues on Como in a way that your teenage target audience will relate to. Well done. I can already tell I’m going to like this.

Chapter 2:
- “We watched as the year levels before us WERE called and sorted,…”

Chapter 3:
- I would probably hyphenate “pressed out in a firm I am dead serious line” to be “pressed out in a firm I-am-dead-serious line.”
- “Yes(comma) of course there is a point(period) Thank you, Twell.”
- “Wow(comma) so you’re actually serious?”
- “…, there was tightness in HIS jaw, a…”

Chapter 4:
- “Oh yeah(comma) Twell(period) That little…”
- “What do you do(comma) Twell?
- When addressing a character in dialogue, you need to either place a comma before or after a name depending on where it falls in a sentence. The above two comments show one such example. The other is when the name comes first. Ie: Twell, what do you do? I have stopped marking this problem after these two examples, but I found it throughout your book.

Chapter 5:
- “adult hood” is one word: “adulthood”

Chapter 7:
- “… followed me(no comma) a step behind(comma) which made me a little paranoid.
- With wide hesitant eyes(comma) Stellie appeared as smiley…”
- “show case” is one word: “showcase”
- “It will be the hardest thing you have EVER done…”
- “Sighing(comma) he turned back around…”

Chapter 8:
- “The trainer(comma) Bar(comma) replaced Aza,…”
- “As (omit a second “as” here) he set me back on my feet…”
- “I couldn’t blame him(period) It wasn’t like he was…” – This sentence was a comma splice, so I separated them with a period.
- “Swiveling around(comma) the trainer lunged again…”
- Again, this was a really good chapter. You have portrayed the brutality (for lack of a better word) of the trainers and the rigorousness of their training beautifully.

Chapter 9:
- “… just a stupid trick I LEARNED to do growing up.”
- “… he’d clearly SEEN worse hysterics…”
- “At last I heard A sharp “Thwack!”
- “… physical strength(comma) yes, but more importantly…”
- “Sazika shrugged. ‘I just got lucky.” – I’m trying to figure out how she got lucky when she lost her battle. Am I missing something?
- “Beside them(comma) three other boys…”

Chapter 10:
- “Not here where it (delete a second “where it”) could be noted…”

Chapter 11:
- “something dark flashed over Jonaz(apostrophe S) face,…”
- “… as I shut her door.’ Sleep well.’” – Just a quick typo. The quote after “door” is facing the wrong direction. This happens several times throughout.
- “…of being watched(no comma) more closely than before.”

Chapter 12:
- The sentence starting “I was forced to try, no time to over think things…” came off a bit awkward to me.
- “No(comma) I certainly do not…”
- “Let’s just talk about something else?(quotes)
- “… cut OFF hope before it could…”
- “I’m sorry I haven’t SPENT much time with you lately(comma)’ he said after a while.”
- In this chapter do Chaz and Twell actually make it to his house or do they just sit talking in the pod park? I ask because I was under the impression they were talking at her pod and then at the end, he walks her to her pod though I don’t remember anything saying they’d gone anywhere else.

Chapter 13:
- FINALLY! We’re getting somewhere between Jonaz and Twell. The tension between the two after the table fell is fantastic. Love it!
- “Before long WE’D BE hitting the marlands…”
- “… no one to hear us (delete a second “hear us”) scream…”
- “That depends on what you think(comma) said Brazin good-humouredly.
- “Brazin(apostrophe S) words came out…”

Chapter 14:
- “…that I was in Jonaz(‘S) arms.”
- “Mira(apostrophe S) face was devoid of expression,…”
- “Sazika DUCKED her head self-conciously.”
- “…Mekai, who smiled gratefully(comma) and began testing…”
- “…banned at school and taboo everywhere else(period)”
- At this point, Twell’s continued exasperation with Jonaz is starting to get a bit old. Her reaction when she reached the beacon really annoyed me. (Sorry.) This chapter really felt like it should be more of a turning point, that she should at least start to consider him a friend or at least an ally. Aside from that, I loved this chapter. It was fast paced with some great tension. Jonaz is really starting to grow on me.

Chapter 15:
- “Mira propelled fast, against her will(comma) towards me.”
- “Don’t look at him(period) It will only..”

Chapter 16:
- “Geez(comma) thanks so much(period)”
- “Well(comma) count me in too,(quotes) said Marx.(no apostrophe)
- “Not only did they AGREE…”
- “…to forget what we are capable of.” And “Or what we are capable of” – I understand the two different inferences by the two “we are capable of’s” but it’s redundant and can be a bit confusing.
- “Anger, confusion and shame BUILT up inside me…”
- “Jonaz and Marz didn’t wait(comma) taking lunging jumps…”
- “… unti I was in safely (delete second “in”)(comma) convincing myself with…”

Chapter 17:
- “…hoping my sincerity WAS apparent.”
- “…our new level of civilization.” – I think you meant “civility.”

Chapter 19:
- This chapter is a lot of “telling.” I feel that it would be better if you were able to “show” more of the improvements in fighting. There were points where I really just wanted to skip to the good stuff because it got a bit long. Maybe you don’t need to show everyone’s growth?
- Also, I felt you missed a great opportunity to show the growth in Jonaz and Twell’s relationship here. How are they reacting to each other after the catastrophe?
- “… could drive me to risk my own life, to hurt another person … maybe even kill.” – This was said almost verbatim in a previous chapter.

Chapter 20:
- I don’t think you need the parentheses around “such as my short fuse and inability to control my mouth.”

Chapter 22:
- “… fend them both OFF.”
- “… then they must HAVE loved me.”
- Boy! Raze is really a psychopath! The one thing I didn’t get right away is why Twell didn’t use her powers on him as soon as he attacked. Was she too shocked? Too injured? Caught by surprise?
- YAY! Twell finds out more about her parents.

Chapter 23:
- “I want you to keep your eyes shut for me, okay?” – Did you mean “eyes open?”

Chapter 24:
- “I’d say it was just ME on my own…”
- “But you were just A child(period) How…”
- “My heart STARTED thudding so loud…”
- Darn you! You left a cliffhanger! How are Jonaz and Twell going to work out being together? Is the guy with the silver eyes the guy that tried to mesmerize her before they went into the tunnels? How are they going to combat the society issues on Como? Can you tell I don’t do well with cliffhangers?!

Okay, so overall thoughts. The only thing as far as plot that I would possibly put some consideration into is how the relationship between Jonaz and Twell develops. It felt like it took too long and then there was no development before she all of a sudden figured out she was in love with him. I think there were some opportunities missed where a camaraderie could have developed, leading the way into the romance, starting with the scene at the lake and continuing on through their training in the caves after the attack.

That being said, I really enjoyed your book. I would not have taken the time to take as many notes or read the whole thing if I hadn’t. It deserves far more places on a bookshelf than it has, so I’m going to place it on mine and rate it highly.

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

YALF Review - Twell

The idea behind your book is brilliant - a futuristic story, combining romance with war. I can imagine reading this pitch in a bookshop.

Ch1 - Ch4 (I know you have a lot of feedback on these so I just read them to contextualise the later chapters.)
I enjoyed Twell's teenage voice - realistic and consistent. Your descriptions are great, and you supply us with just the right amount of information.

Ch5
Second paragraph - Mira's dialogue - is missing the first set of speech marks.
I think "fisti-cuffs" should be one word without a hyphen.
Twell's commentary on Mira and the fight is brilliant and totally appropriate for a teenager.
In this sentence, after Marz's dialogue : 'but I couldn’t help but notice how pleased he seemed with my opinion', I found the repetition of 'but' a little clumsy. Maybe: 'but I couldn't help noticing how...'
Dialogue starting "Twell what do you think about..." I think it might sound better with a comma between 'asked' and 'catching'.
Same for this sentence: ‘Oh no don’t you dare cry'. Comma after no?

Ch6
In Jonaz's dialogue: ‘I hope you get over it soon cause you’re going to spending..." Should it read instead "to be spending"?
Also, cause should technically have an apostrophe before it, since it's abbreviated.
The characterisation continues to be amazing in this chapter. Seemed to be a very long chapter (but I don't know the standard length for a YA novel so I could be wrong) which didn't bother me, but some readers might prefer it to be broken down into smaller chunks.

Ch7
Again, a great chapter with little to criticise. Lots of drama, and I enjoyed the developing relationships between the characters.
In the final speech: "Move Mekai" should probably have a comma, since the characters are encouraging Mekai to move, rather than telling someone to physically move him somewhere.

That's all I've read so far, but I've WLed you and I intend to return!

Hi Kate,
This is a YALF review.
I think that you developed your main character very well and quickly in the first few paragraphs of the first chapter.

Chapter 1
2nd para makes you identify with the character, good/
4th para suggest using quotes
“…aubergine eyes…” I’d suggest some more common name for her eyes, or explain how someone told her she had aubergine eyes and told her that it meant eggplant colored.
“…strop…” Think you meant “stroph”, to stick it out and/or twisting it. Still, this is an unfamiliar word to 99% of your readers. I would say “…from pursing her lips so much…”, or some such.
I am a little concerned over her display of a super power, and how it is seen, but ignored. This may not be significant and isn’t earthshaking, but I am just a little curious.
‘Particularly when on offer…” Something seems mixed up there. Maybe, “…when it’s offered…”?
“…sobbing heart broken…” Suggest “heartbroken”, maybe should be one word.
Same sentence”…enough bad publicity for me.” Confused how his actions are her bad publicity. Maybe works if it is some new slang of the future, but… your readers are today.
Paragraph that starts, “I snorted.” I like how the sentences got longer and seemed more run-on here. This gave me a feel for her anger at him. I like the teenage girl angst that the MC generates in the next few paragraphs. I would expect this would work well with a YA audience. It generates a lot of in depth knowledge by the reader of her feelings and priorities.
“Students shrieked in reunion…” Sounds like first day back from a term break. You may want to rephrase? Not a biggie, though I looked back to see if it was the first day of school or something. If it is the start of a new term (or her final year), I would play that up harder and use it to add to her need to hurry in the beginning.
Interesting first chapter. It ends well.

Chapter 2
Para starting “His hair was always messy,…” The 3rd sentence is just too long. I suggest you break it up into 2, maybe 3. You have a number of fairly long sentences. I would relook at your writing to see how many sentences could be shorter. I’ve always heard that two short sentences are better than one long one. Especially if you want to emphasize something in the sentence. The run-on in the prior chapter, that I mentioned, seems to work when it is used to show agitation in the characters. Otherwise as a rule I suggest shorter sentences.
Ah. It is the first day of her last year at school. Suggest saying that earlier as per my previous comment.
Para starting “We were told…” Same sentence – “… we would be strong, rebuilt and…” I assume their city/country rebuilt? Would it be clearer to the reader to say that it is their civilization that is being rebuilt?
‘I dunno, whatever the G.B. suggest…” You may need to explain this is short for the Governing Body. Also, I think “suggests” may be better. Earlier you capitalized Governing, but not Body. Do the two have to go together? If so, both should probably be capitalized.
Nice ending to the second chapter. It has me guessing.

Chapter 3
Danger, Will Robinson! My engineering hat just fell onto my head.
“…other planets…” I assume that there are more than two planets close together in this system? If the culture was trans-light-speed capable, I wouldn’t expect water to be an issue. I could see two planets, say a twin planet, where travel between the two made competition for resources economical. More planets almost implies that the cultures are interstellar and they travel light-years to get water.
Here is my engineer hat talking: Water would be abundant in the outer parts of every system, albeit frozen and possibly mixed with other compounds. Many of those compounds would remove themselves from the water if it were brought to a liquid state. Like smelting metal, different molecular weights, and boiling points would probably take care of most separation. I am going on and I apologize.
Two cities on an arid world, competing for the last resources of water, was my first assumption as I read. Technology similar to our own would then make the issues of abundant water in the outer system moot. They couldn’t get there affordably. War would be a more affordable and quicker way to obtain water. The time required to obtain the water alone is suitable reason for war. Perhaps… time to get water elsewhere is the reason they are forced to war on Como?
You may find techies critical without a rationale for why multiple cities on multiple planets around multiple stars have to war over water.

Ignoring the above, the story is great. I can see it will grab YA readers. Very much a High School scenario they will relate to, especially the hormonal imbalances of teenagers. (LOL. Adults are worse. Just in different ways)
I rated your story 5 stars.

The only issue is the rationale for the war over water. And maybe an explanation of the proximity of all the “other planets” that the Abwarzians are threatening. I could see that later your characters could discover that some of the war-scenario you painted so far ends up being propaganda from the G.B.. That would clear the air about water. Water could be a lie the G.B. tells their people. Man, after all, has seldom needed a real reason for war.

Anyway, 5 stars and on my watch list. I’ll try to get back and read more. I am going to ask my daughter (16) to read this. Maybe I’ll convince her to even leave some comments. Her perspective is probably even more important than mine, since she represents your market.

Thank you for sharing your story.

YALF Review - “Twell”: The Como Chronicles”


Twell and her friends are fun characters. Of her class, seven teenagers with extraordinary powers selected to be trained to fight for their world struggle to explore their abilities and themselves. The worldbuilding of Como is subtle and yet there’s a lot to be picked up on. Bit by bit, it’s revealed that Earth’s habitability was destroyed, and the new planet, Como, revolves around the sun further then Earth – which probably means it’s somewhat colder and darker – and its people count ages by months rather than years. The world of Como is at war with another ravaged planet – Abwarz – whose inhabitants have destroyed their water source and must fight for another.

I’ve read through chapter six so far, and I like the slow buildup of the war and Como’s new generation questioning it. I like seeing Twell’s scared and insecure side – very easy to relate to – and it was hilarious for me when she telekinetically threw Jonaz into the glass. I can feel her anxiety and frustration – in wanting a friend who is now helping and defending her rival, not wanting to go to war, and wanting to know her parents with so little to go on. There are a lot of plots and subplots to be explored, and I honestly don’t know what to expect in each new chapter. I don’t have any suggestions for the story yet, but I’ll keep reading, finish “Twell”, and complete my thoughts on the story.

YARG and CWOG review

Hey Kata,

It's been far too long since I last had a look at Twell. She's got attitude this girl, she totally deserves to be read. Yep, nup, Dash is right (dashing name, by the way) she's a Twellodrama. "and Mira was a ....". Nicely put.

Ahh, poor Twell. Last and only to be called out in the "special" group. Oh, no, chp3, several others. Some of them nemesii. Congrats again, you write with a lot of spunk. Twell is one of my heroes, she deserves to be!

Some minor editorials:

Chp 2: The third paragraph is a bit weird. First you say it's a small school, and then you say it's one of the biggest. I get what you're trying to say, but it needs a bit more to make it work. Maybe "We were once a small school, but now there weren't many larger than this..."

"...my first day of my last year..." could be "...the first day of my last year..."

"Welcome to those of you have returned..." could be "Welcome to those of you who have returned..."

"The voice belonged the head Governess..." could be "The voice belonged to the head Governess..."

"...was well as I did." should probably be "...as well as I did."

Chp 3: "...these two people." should be "...those two people."

".. there was tightness in jaw..." should be "... there was a tightness in his jaw.."

Cheers Kata, Scott Butcher (The Merlin Falcon), Oh I upped your star rating (6 stars)!

YALF/YARG/CWOG review–Twell

Kata,
I'm up through chapter seven now. It looks like you already have some good comments on these chapters as far as close crits go. I'm planning on reading further, as the story is pulling me along nicely and I like Twell as a character, she reads very authentic. I'll second Lucy's comment that there is maybe too much of characters doing something along with their dialogue, and I agree with Icdelagb's comment on the YALF forum that chapters shouldn't end in the middle of a scene in order to create a cliffhanger.

I read the beginning a long time ago, and I like that you've changed it up so that your Comians originally came from Earth. Somehow it is more believable, to me anyway, than the premise that they know about Earth from studying other planets in the universe. The society is just too similar to not have that deeper connection. That said, it brings up the question of how they calculate ages/etc, since the very first Comians would have related everything to Earth years. You call their sun distant, which makes me think it probably takes longer, maybe much longer, for Como to make a complete orbit, hence the calculation of age by lunar cycle. I'm just curious, not saying this needs to be fully explained, but here in chapter seven Brazin says 'last lunar month of this year' and it made me stop and think. Terms like 'month' and 'year' might not have much of a place in a society that calculates the passage of time by lunar cycles. 'Lunar month' is probably okay, but 'year' becomes ambiguous. Do you mean the time it takes Como to go around it's sun, or do you mean ten lunar months (ten moons)? I'm probably thinking too deep about this, and I'm not an avid reader of science fiction so I don't know what's accepted here, but technically speaking a year is defined as the number of days it takes a planet to complete one orbit around it's sun. It's believable that the original settlers on Como would still think of time relative to Earth, and perhaps discover that the lunar cycles on Como are 36 days long, so ten moons would approximate an Earth year. Sorry, I'm not trying to be nit-picky, this is just the stream of my thoughts.

I'll shut up now and go back to reading :)
Kate

This is a YALF review

Twell

More close crit.

Chapter Four

I like “the boy I didn’t know.” as the description of someone.
I think at least three boys so far have “messy” hair.
I agree that it’s hard to understand how they are teenagers. Adolescents would be a reasonable alternative, although it’s a bit formal.
“that I was sure to fall short of.” How come? Her power is pretty cool, isn’t it?
“round orb” I don’t really know, but aren’t orbs always round? I like where she fires it, though.
There’s a fair amount of them all looking at each other. Maybe too much?
“Flirting power?” is perfect.
“something strange was happening” and “Strangely, I felt no fear…” are quite similar. Sometimes, just telling us about something strange is enough for us to know. Her power is good though. Probably the most original.
“I feigned concern.” is already there, I think, without you needing to add it. Often you have it in the speech and don’t need it tagged on. Generally, for me, there’s too much explaining the way the characters are speaking or how they look while they’re speaking.

Chapter Five

“quick flash of movement” I’d cut “quick.”
I know I said this before, but Marz is such an ace name.
Okay, I’d by now I’d like some dialogue that doesn’t have action around it. Everyone is doing something else while they talk.
“utilized to fight together.” Not sure about “utilized" here.
I think sometimes you’ve capitalised “Upper Schooling” and sometimes not.
“planets sake” needs an apostrophe somewhere.
“adulthood” is one word.
“So now you can see…” I might have already gone on about this, but I don’t like being addressed directly if there isn’t a particular purpose, so I’m not sure about it here.

Lucy

Yalf and yarg review

Ch 1:
The first 2 paragraphs both contain the expression ‘as usual’ – maybe re-word one of them? Also in para 2, should the pod be referred to as ‘which’ rather than ‘who’?

Para starting ‘ I pressed my foot down…’ ‘Comians environmentally enthusiastic…’

Para starting ‘That was the first reason…’ Slight repetition of the word ‘fit’ (fit-out, fit 3 friends). Maybe replace one of them? (carry/hold 3 friends?)

Ch 2:
Para starting ‘When I entered the hall’ and the following para: a little bit of repetition/clunkiness with all the ‘best friends’ here. Maybe re-word, or delete the first paragraph – ‘When I entered the hall’.

Ch 3:
Towards the end of ch 2, I was beginning to wish for some action, and chapter 3 has an interesting start which made me want to read on.

Para starting ‘At least it appeared…’ ‘chairs squeaking….’

Ch 4:
No comments made. An entertaining chapter with good pace. Sets the scene nicely for the rest of the story. Twell does seem to have a slight attitude problem, and she’s very focused on how other people look. But I guess that sums up most teenagers.

I thought this was an enjoyable story with a good pace. Ch 1 was quite exotic, with the pods and skyways, but by chapter 4, the story is more of a classic high school teenage drama. Maybe this will change, as the story goes on and the special abilities are developed?

Jessica

YALF review

Twell crit.

I have had a quick skim through the early chapters, because you said you had a lot of comment on those already. Briefly, I loved the idea of the book and thought it promising and quite original. I was caught up in the story early on, and thought it was coming along well. For the crit., I’ve gone a bit further in, and will comment from chapter 13 onwards.

Chapter 13 beginning I found a little heavy on the tell, quite a lot of stuff being told to me that she was thinking, feeling, all in the first few paragraphs. I do love the idea of that ‘face enhancer’ though, makes our use of make up seem as silly, but I wouldn’t mind some!

I think where you mention a ‘knee height blanket’ that it should be ‘knee high’ as that’s what we commonly say anyway, rather than height. Good change of pace when she gets the table airbourne and then drops it. I guess from her antagonism that she actually likes Jonaz. I wonder whether this love/hate thing isn’t becoming a bit overused in teen fiction – a bit easy to guess – unless I’m wrong of course? Anyway, I doubt that teens are going to tire of it, it’s such a great teasing hook, so what the heck.

They are then off on another training task, which was a good change of scene and pace, and the Go! At the end just the right hook to go on to the next chapter.

Chapter 14 I found ‘my level of unfitness was tragically apparent’ a bit confusing. We usually say ‘my level of fitness was…’ whatever it was. You could just say ‘my lack of fitness was tragically apparent..’
How cool to be able to fly! I’d have his power if I could choose. I think readers will love this idea. The race to the rocks is well told and exciting, with the outcomes by no means guessable. Good pace and interest. I did begin to find it a very long chapter, and wouldn’t have minded if it had been shortened (You could have started a new one at the ‘3 out of 6’ section quite easily if you wanted to) but that may just be me of course. ‘Tight as a Moga’s bumhole’ made me laugh, like that. I’ve never seen a Moga, but I can imagine it perfectly.

Chapter 15 I wish you didn’t have her going ‘straight for the hair’ – as it’s such a girly cliché that that’s what girls do when they fight. I’ve seen some proper girl fights (and been in or two when a teenager!) and we punched! These girls are trained too, and the hair pulling makes them sound a bit silly – you do save it for me by describing them fighting more powerfully though, which makes the hair even less necessary. Otherwise this scene was well done I thought, full of tension and energy.

Good bit of mystery about the other girl, though – the real reason behind her animosity, making me think…. Also liked the change of pace when they get back and all the students are talking about them. The boys seem to enjoy it but the girls less so, and it’s also going to ring bells with your readers. You’ve created a believable world and characters in it and have sustained it throughout so far. Also a good change of pace with the lake scenes – what a cool place. I did find a small typo – ‘He nodding over at Jonaz..’ did you mean ‘nodded’? I think the matching thing is really good – awful waiting to see what you’re going to end up with, bit like the moonies – could be awful! Should appeal to readers for sure as well. A good chapter with lots of movement and hooks and reasons to read on. More to come, hope my comments are useful in some way. Enjoying the read so far.

More to come, hope my comments are useful in some way. Enjoying the read so far. I haven't gone for a lot of praise in this crit. I see on reading back, so it may look like I've not enjoyed it when I have, very much, I've just concentrated on comments that might be constructive. I shall add, though, that I think the idea original, the pacing good, the story telling accomplished and the writing of a really good standard. it's easy to read and crit. because the enjoyment level is high.

This is a YALF Review

Twell

I only read the first couple of chapters of this before, so I’m glad YALF has got me to return for more. Twell has a pretty name and quite an attitude. I’ve commented in detail on the first three chapters so far. You have a few typos and that sort of thing but otherwise this is relatively smooth. In the beginning, I thought this was a light other-world sci-fi, but it progresses into a dark dystopian fantasy with the usual concerns about forced reproduction and pairings.

Chapter One

“of Caran” isn’t really needed. We can guess its name because of the school, I think.
There’s a warming which forced people underground but the sun is too far away to bring much warmth. Things must have changed, and it makes me wonder why. Also, their transport is powered by the sun but it’s weak.
Why isn’t it environmentally enthusiastic to use a solar-Pod? It’s fine to use a solar-scooter though.
I don’t think you need the brackets around “too much.” It’d work just as well without.
“and myself” should be “and me.” “myself” is reflexive.
Not sure about all the ellipses. I’d avoid them.
“brainwashed” can be one word.
“and took my focus to the outcome.” is slightly strangely phrased.
What Jonaz says to Twell is sexual and unpleasant and suggest an older audience than I expected. I don’t think it fits with the lighter aspects of the story.
“We walked in comfortable silence, into the halls of the school.” To me, this would be simpler as, “We walked into the halls of the school in comfortable silence.” or “We walked into the school’s halls in comfortable silence.”
I like “shrieked in reunion.”
“afterlife” can be one word.

Chapter Two

In the sentence, “Meela, to me,…” You could cut “to me, …like” to leave, “Meela was a breath of fresh air.” The reader wouldn’t think you mean it literally and the image would be stronger.
I don’t think you mean “personified.” People can’t personify things. “Typified” is closer to what you mean, I reckon.
Thoughts would be better in italics, rather than in brackets.
“But oh well…” This is too chatty for me. Is it necessary?
“to more disturbingly, our DNA.” Twell’s attitude to her world is unlikely given that it’s the one she, presumably, grew up in. She has the attitude of an outsider. She’d be used to this stuff - it wouldn’t seem disturbing to her at all, I don’t think. I’d like an explanation of how she’s able to think beyond her situation in this way.
“maybe interpreted…” I think needs “and” instead of the comma in front of it.
You have “girl friend” in the first chapter but “girlfriends” in the second.
“The usual stuff.“ I don’t like Twell’s attitude to the boys much. It’s a shame that your created world has the same sexist divisions as this one.
“what do you think you are doing over there with her?” This would be easier to understand in italics.
“slightly panicked” and “rather annoyed” both have unnecessary modifiers. They might as well commit fully to their feelings. “I felt annoyed” would be stronger than, “I began to feel rather annoyed.”

Chapter Three

“Uh Oh” The “oh” doesn’t need a capital letter.
“last ten minutes” is confusing. It’s her first ten minutes back. I know you mean “previous” but it could be clearer.
“draped himself causally” is a typo, I think. Should be “casually.”
“As if I had space lice…” is ace. I like Marz’s name too.
There’s a lot of eye narrowing going on.
“for the planets sake” is missing its apostrophe.
“I am dead serious line.” This would be clearer if you hyphenated the phrase or put it into italics.
“slightly stunned” would be better as “stunned.” I think you have too many modifiers throughout. Twell ought to say what she means, I think. It slows the pace and makes things harder to picture.
“Your parent’s generation…” Should be “Your parents’ generation…”
You have the spelling “grey” in Chapter One and “gray” in Chapter Three. It doesn’t matter which you use but it’d be better to be consistent.
Two lots of people with their mouths set in lines is too many for one chapter, I think. Characters also sit up straighter more than once.
“Could I do anything bigger than that?” Yes. She did that thing with the space pods.

More to follow….

Lucy

CWOG Review.

Hi Kata,

I thought I had read some of this before, yet when I started I realised I hadn't, so my apologies ;0)
I'm not into sci-fi or YA, but not as a rule, which is good because I really like Twell. You set up the scene brilliantly, the world, the people, without it being too overbearing like some sci-fi. I didn't struggle to follow along, and it was even quite believable.

I like that the name of the book is the name of your MC also. Clever ;0)

I did make notes as I readd your first chapter. I hope that they are useful, but ignore anything that you don't agree with, it's your book after all.

- first paragraph. I would insert a period after the word 'usual' and then startt a fresh with the last line.
- Later to school didn't seem right to me, perhaps, later for school?
- Move it(,) air waster.' since you are directing the name 'air waster' at someone- even if they can't hear you, i think that oyu should have acomma before.
- I would do the radio announcment in italics so that it is clear that this is the radio, otherwise it tends to blend in witth the rest of the descriptions.
- Took my park? I don't understand. Should this be, took my place? or took my space? I like all the new terms and words that you have come up with, barring this one.
- 'I'm just young andd having fun(,) Twell(.) Maybe you should try it sometime.'
- sheesh(,) girl, what did I do to you?
- You don't normall write , 'ha ha' unless the character is actually saying the word ha ha. If he is just laughing then you need to describe it. Ie. ... I'm a gem in the rough His laughter sounded out irritatingly at my retreating back. Or something like this.
- Remove pale, and keep it simple so that it is just 'morning light' yu don't need anymore than that.
- Moga poo! ha ha
- So sickeningly, vomity sweet. Love this line.
- I really like Chaz, even if he sounds completely gullable.
- 'Oh yay, here she is(,)' I muttered
- Afterlife not after life.


I really like this though, and have got you on my WL so that I can come and read some more.

High stars, my lovely,

Claire C Riley
Limerence

also. Ive been reading Twell again and I have to say that it is very clever. I have gotten to know you a bit and you don't seem like the sci fy type but this is most certainly in the ballpark. How did you come up with such detail. I like how she passes the billboard and gets messages. Kind of reminds me of Minority Report. You should watch that movie for ideas if you've never seen it. I am looking forward to my signed copy and if you want, I can go though and try an edit. I hope you aren't too upset with me.

I have made several attempts at this blurb and what I've written here is but one. I want to ask what you think of my style and if you would like me to continue trying. Here is two sentences I rewrote.

Above all else, Twell desires to be normal. The telekinetic powers bestowed upon her have always been an unwelcome and unwanted nuisance. She is no freak. Little did she know these gifts would one day prove valuable. A day not far away.


Approaching the age of prearranged genetic partnership (a mandatory decree that all must adhere to at the age of majority), Twell finds herself torn between legal obligation, friendship and true love. The one she loves being her best friend, a friend that has eyes for none other than her most hated adversary.

Lots more attempts and if you want to see some more, let me know.

This is a CWOG review, as well as a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG) review:

I thought the book was excellent as a whole, and a great read, with plenty of drama, action, and some terrific character moments.

Some notes for the final chapters.
CHAPTER 22 -
- “aqua water” - since aqua is another word for water, I wasn't sure about using it as the color for water
- “hitting the ground hard with a force that knocked the wind out of me” - I'd take out “hard” since you go on to describe the force of the impact
- no apostrophe in “it's grey clothing” since it is being used to show possession, not as a contraction of “it is”
- “as hard as (I) could.”
- “hit the ground heavily” and “landed heavily” were a couple paragraphs apart
- small editing issue: “thankyou.”
- “throwing me backwards, into the wall behind me” - I wasn't sure if you needed both “backwards” and “behind me,”
CHAPTER 23 -
- “But they'd loved me, my parents.” - I wasn't sure about this, as it seemed like they only saved her because of what she could do for society, and did it as a civil duty; there is a line about “No mother to tell you how much she loved you,” but he seems to be speaking in general terms, instead of her mother in particular
- Small editing issue: “Shutup!”
- With how long he's been holding it in, I kind of wanted him to be a little less emotional; almost dead inside, with nothing left to live for or care about, and just this one thing to drive him. He came across as a little over the top to me at times, (particularly the line “your stupid powers”, which sounded a tad bit childish coming from a grown man)
- great drama to the fight, and I liked the sacrifice, and the way it ended; I was worried it would go down differently (I'm trying to be vague to avoid spoilers) but I really liked how you handled it
CHAPTER 24 -
- “crept slowly” - I would take out “slowly,” as to creep is to move slowly
- “(They're) okay, calm down”
- A bit of repetition with the staring, as in the span of three paragraphs there was “stared at her in confusion,” “staring after her” and “stared guiltily at my bare feet”
- should it be “nauseous” ?
- “blurted suddenly” - I'd take out “suddenly,” as I think saying she blurted it out implies that it's quick
- I really enjoyed this chapter, and it had an especially lovely moment at the end; the volunteering bit was a nice touch. I did wonder at first if this was the time to bring out his past, as it seemed a bit late in the game to bring this up, but I warmed up to it, as I liked how the scene played out.
CHAPTER 25 -
- I've probably mentioned this before, but there should be a comma before a name when someone is speaking directly to another character, like “what is just(,) Twell?”
- I'd capitalize “lonely galaxy”
- “as (I) stared out”
- I didn't make the connection with the last line until I read the comments, but that could simply be because I've read this so sporadically, or because they didn't make much of an impression on me in their brief appearance. I like that you don't overexplain it here, though, and leave it to the reader to piece it together, and it's a very striking image.

Great work overall, and a really entertaining and original read. I'll have to figure out how to get Kindle on my PC soon, so I can pick up a copy.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Hey Kata,

So, you asked for general punctuation, adverb use. But I would like to say I enjoyed Twell (for a second time). I love your MC's attitude and the premise of your whole book. It's definitely more like some of my Mss. The futuristic world is super unique and fun and while you gave us a whole bunch of made-up-words pertaining to the world right away, I didn't feel confused.

As for punctuation, I only saw one thing to really note: in the first chapter, the line that starts "if people are going to disobey Comian law, they could..." there needs to be a colon instead of a semi-colon and I'd suggest taking out the A and B.

And for abverbs, I found that there were more adverbs in your MS than most, but that is something that can be easily corrected if you wanted to cut them down. Also, (I know you didn't ask, but I thought it may help) I noticed you use some words too often and close together. Ridiculous was one, I believe. Again, that's an easy fix.

What isn't an easy fix is making a stpry good and making your characters lively, both of which you have done very well at. You spin a unique, fun, total teen tale that takes the cake. (gotta love alliteration) :)

Racheal

I've only read the first chapter so far, but this is very interesting. It reminds me of the beginning of many shojo anime, where the lead girl seems to be going about her normal day until something magical is revealed. Then there's something about needing one's partner to be 'genetically approved', hinting at a possible dystopia. I'll definitely come back tomorrow to read more.

YARG
I have now read chapter 3 and am LOVING IT. Twell's voice is consistent and wonderfully teenage, and you write with an easy sort of YA feel. I do feel that you can shorten this chapter a little, as it is a little bit long. The partnering thing, I will admit, felt reminiscent of another YA dystopia: Matched. The finding suitable partners without love thing is pretty darn close to the main plot of Matched. I am positive you didn't do this on purpose and it isn't the main device in your plot, so I think your OK. I would, however, read over Matched and try and tweak the partnering aspect so it doesn't mirror Matched too closely.

Otherwise, super job and Twell will still enjoy a spot on my shelf!

Very good atmosphere and tone, I really liked the moments between Twell and Jonaz, and there was a great sense of tension and anxiety in chapter 21 as the story builds up.

Still really enjoying this, and the notes I wrote down are all very minor, and are likely subjective.
CHAPTER 19:
- “murky unlit corner” - I'd just go with either unlit or murky, as the “eternity of darkness” already established that it's dark here.
- “deep cold fear that went to the bone” - here, “deep” and “went to the bone” seemed to be saying a similar thing; as to get to the bone, you need to go in deep; (also, “reverberating to the bone” is mentioned a bit later in this chapter)
- “At first the weapons still” - I'd either go with “At first” or “still”, as they seemed to contradict one another in combination
- “increasing my growing trepidation” - I'd just go with increasing or growing, as both seemed unnecessary to me
- I would trim a few adverbs here and there, as there seemed to be a few too many; (for instance, I might change “replied loudly” to “shouted” or something similar; also, the word “suddenly” was used at least three times in this chapter, and I wasn't sure it was needed in “shivered suddenly.”)
CHAPTER 20:
- “The building was huge” / “Sazika's eyes were huge” were in the first two paragraphs
- “really happening, isn't it(?)”
- “(Casually) he stepped”
- “Yeah, (they're) really proud”
- As I've been told a few times with my own writing, I'd try to cut down on some of the adverbs with the speech tags, as they seemed to be in just about every line of dialogue towards the end, like “apologized distractedly,” “said gently,” “replied calmly” “said sarcastically,”
CHAPTER 21:
- “the (woman) scolded angrily”
- “Why(,) what will it do?” “This isn't a game(,) Twell.”
- “effort to (console) me”
- great ending to the chapter.

Chapter 19 slowed down a bit for me, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as they're all forced to wait themselves, which means we feel what they're feeling. And by the end of chapter 21, the tension was ramped right back up.
Great stuff, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest as soon as I can.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Here for our swap! I can tell that you have taken great care in editing (something i have yet to do with mine) and that now there are only a few tweaks here and there to get out. My favorite character so far is of course Twell, her fiery personality and slightly vengeful way of thinking about Mira gives your reader great entertainment in the first chapter and she really develops into a strong leader. I am not sure how I feel about Jonaz (in the first chapter) though, he seems kind of fake at one point I was totally on board with his haughty-i'm-so-great attitude until the last line of his. It seemed forced. However if that was the goal, then awesome! And again, that is a personal writer thing. By the end of the book though I completely agree that Chaz was not for her and Jonaz is the only one. I loved seeing both Twell and Jonaz develop into the mature adults they were meant to be. And, in a way they kind of grow together, which makes perfect sense that they should be in love!

Broke my heart when you brought Avin in to be her genetic match!

To be honest I would not want to be Mira in the first couple chapters. Twell has got it out for her. And seeing that side of her is both concerning and intriguing. However, Mira has more to her than we thought, and that is what makes her character such a nice surprise. I think that this will do really well and I love how you've constructed this strange new world of Como. It's so awesome!

Finally I have to say my favorite part of your personal writing style is how you describe things. It's poetic at some points and really changes the way the reader views the story. I love love love the in depth description of eyes in this book! Personally, I am eye crazy, I think they are beautiful and the way you describe them in your book is right on the mark. You have a talent for really making your reader feel the character's emotions.

This was a great read and I wish you the best of luck!!

Here for our swap! I can tell that you have taken great care in editing (something i have yet to do with mine) and that now there are only a few tweaks here and there to get out. My favorite character so far is of course Twell, her fiery personality and slightly vengeful way of thinking about Mira gives your reader great entertainment in the first chapter and she really develops into a strong leader. I am not sure how I feel about Jonaz (in the first chapter) though, he seems kind of fake at one point I was totally on board with his haughty-i'm-so-great attitude until the last line of his. It seemed forced. However if that was the goal, then awesome! And again, that is a personal writer thing. By the end of the book though I completely agree that Chaz was not for her and Jonaz is the only one. I loved seeing both Twell and Jonaz develop into the mature adults they were meant to be. And, in a way they kind of grow together, which makes perfect sense that they should be in love!

Broke my heart when you brought Avin in to be her genetic match!

To be honest I would not want to be Mira in the first couple chapters. Twell has got it out for her. And seeing that side of her is both concerning and intriguing. However, Mira has more to her than we thought, and that is what makes her character such a nice surprise. I think that this will do really well and I love how you've constructed this strange new world of Como. It's so awesome!

Finally I have to say my favorite part of your personal writing style is how you describe things. It's poetic at some points and really changes the way the reader views the story. I love love love the in depth description of eyes in this book! Personally, I am eye crazy, I think they are beautiful and the way you describe them in your book is right on the mark. You have a talent for really making your reader feel the character's emotions.

This was a great read and I wish you the best of luck!!

YARG review!

Hey Kate, I have now gotten the chance to get in your second chapter, and I have to say, it's amazing. It reads with a polished and clean finish, with no clunky or awkward sentences. You have led me into the characters of Twell, Chaz, Mira, Dash, and Meela expertly, so that I get a fresh taste of each of them, without getting bogged down by too much info or eye-rolling cliched teens.

I don't know if I made this comparison before, but this reminds of Ender's Game. It's been a while since I've read it, but I still get that vibe from it.

If there is any critique I could offer, it would be that, you could cut down on the descriptions of their outfits to get the chapter moving faster. It ends in a real cliffhanger, and this chapter is more description and introduction than action anyway, so I think you could cut down on things like these to get to Chapter 3 quicker where the story really starts.

Overall, great job! Six stars and I am proud to say TWELL is on my shelf :)

This is a CWOG review.

On my shelf now. I'd been seriously considering backing this for a while now, as you've done such a great job with the character development throughout, but this chapter really made up my mind.

CHAPTER 18 -
- Fantastic beginning. I love the imagery here, though I would change the semicolon to a comma and take out the apostrophe in “it's” in the line: “structure(,) (its) charred bones”
- More excellent descriptions; in the sentence with "dark clouds" and "dark and deadly", though, I might change it slightly to avoid repeating "dark"
- I just got chills. I won't say what happens to avoid spoiling anything, but this was very well done, and very unexpected.
- “began to wail (its) warning” - unless it's a contraction of “it is”, its shouldn't have an apostrophe.
- “Oh no, my pod!” seemed a bit off to me, considering what she'd just been through, I would think she'd be a bit numbed to this, as it seemed quite inconsequential now.

Terrific writing, and wonderful storytelling. I'll be returning to this as soon as I can.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

Twell

This is beautifully written and clear. It’s fun and has good characters. I liked it. The story moves along at a good pace. Well done. You introduce ideas at a nice rate, such as telekinetic powers with a brief display of moving Jonaz's pod. You’ve obviously thought out the plot very well.

Highly starred.

I did spot a few minor editing issues, the following are in chapter 2:

‘Very ‘mature scholar, yet still has a fashion clue.’ - Looks like there are too many quotation marks.

‘Please listen … into your organizers. ‘ – There should be no space before the last quotation mark which should also be a 9 not a 6.

I’d never heard anyone disagree .No one … - The space and full stop (period) need to be transposed.

Charles Knightley
The Secret of Netley Abbey

Twell is an intelligently written manuscript. I have already begun asking myself about her powers and relationship. Using Twell’s voice as the main storyteller of the book is absolute genius. She has a no–nonsense attitude about life and I think it will identify poignantly with the YA readers. There is a language and style of culture present in the first chapter that sets a great tone for the rest of the book. Excellently written. I already dislike Mira and have begun rooting for a Twell/ Chaz merging ( I’m thinking Twaz, maybe Chwell. Okay too far but I’m loving it.). I have added this book to my reading list and it is very difficult to stop. I have to feed my kids but will be allowing my fourteen year old a peek. Twell is quite close to my own daughter- minus the supernatural telekinetic ability. I love it. Four chapters in. Hope this means something to you. Back to the story.

This is my return read!
I could only get in your first chapter today (my other return reads are still looming over my head, and they are a scary beast) but I already feel I have a good sense of this world and your characters.

First of all, I am SOO jealous of your characters right now, especially Twell. She is a special girl living the strange world of Como, but she has the same problems as any other teenage girl and I loved her from the start. A crush on her best friend Chaz who is in love with Twell's enemy and the whole obnoxious jock bit (Jonaz) could have easily come off as cliched, but you masterfully pulled it off in a fresh and original way.

The world of Como is also fresh and original. I love how people have to be genetically tested to determine who they will love Just the perfect touch of a totalitarian government makes any dystopia better!

So far, it is a very clean and polished book that brings a lot of fresh ideas and characters to the table. I will return as soon as I can and try and get in another chapter or two before the return read monster comes growling again :p

Great job and high stars!

CWOG review (only on story - edits and stuff sent directly to Miss Malone)

Twell is a wonderful book that will not make the reader suffer yet it may suffer from its own tags. It is probably a bit deeper and more complex than young adult romance/fiction and lends itself to endless possibilities with its planned sequels. The conversations melt off the pages into the imagination beautifully and it is dotted with some lovely turns of phrase for added depth, such as… like an amputation & yawning black darkness of cave. The pace of the novel is terrific and there are some really well plotted cliff-hangers throughout to keep one reading, including the ending which is interesting. There is a depth to many of the characters which sometimes outshines our host Twell who can be a little dim-witted at times, but she improves in the second half. My only real criticism is that the novel probably needs a little more depth of description. It is a brand new world and there is no doubt that our author Miss Malone has a lot going on in her head. Putting a bit more of that on the page would rate this 6 stars instead of the 5 I have given it… btw, what the f#*@ is a Moga?

I've now read through Chapter 13 and still really enjoying this. Twell has such an awesome power, and yet, like a typical teen, didn't totally think through the consequences of having the table over her head and possibly getting distracted. Ha ha! I really feel for her regarding her unrequited feelings for Chaz, and it makes it so much worse that he's with someone she doesn't like at all and who seems undeserving of Chaz's affections. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that you've created a character I really empathize with and root for.

The only thing I noticed were some minor typos. In Chapter 8, you say "way to cockily" when it should be "way too cockily." Also you left out an apostrophe and an "s" (Jonaz's side). "Mira laid still should be "Mira lay still." (The past tense of lie is lay, not laid). Also, at one point you have an extra "e" in the word "powers", so it reads "poweres." Another place you need to add an apostrophe s is where you say "trainer arm" instead of "trainer's arm."

In Chapter 9, you misspelled a word or two when you said, "as closely as possible." In Chapter 10, you say, "what Chaz see's"; there should be no apostrophe because "sees" is just plural. Also, you had an extra quote mark after, "she blushed." (I mean, those words weren't spoken aloud, so there shouldn't have been any quotation mark).

In Chapter 12, the sentence that ends " . . . hopeless crush" should end with a question mark, not a period. Also, at one point you say "he laughter" instead of "his laughter".

In Chapter 13, a couple of times you used "you're" when you meant "your." The first instance was where you said "You're friend Chaz" and the second was where you said, "You're powers will not . . ."

Anyway, picky little things, but easy to fix. I didn't notice any major problems. Looking forward to reading more!

I was immediately drawn into your story! The flow is excellent, and though I am only two chapters in, I love Twell. You have developed her so well, and I can't wait to finish the book-it is hard to put down!

CWOG Review

Kate-

I read through ch.5 and a bit into 6.

I really like your premise here--the scifi high school drama. I like that even with the Governing Body "Big Brother" figure controlling your characters' lives, they still just act like teenagers.

You introduce the love triangle quickly--the one Twell wants and the one she doesn't think she wants. Your long pitch us great, and it made me want I stick around and read the plot points you mentioned.

I really can't think of any feedback to give, but it looks like you've already received a lot! I think it's a great, different take on the supernatural YA romance. Good luck!

AB Kline
Emily's Extraordinary Friends

Kate, this is intelligent writing at its best. It fits exactly where it is and rightfully should be. You have come up with a cracking story and some brilliant characters which you use in the right way and when they need to be read to keep the reader interested. Your flow to the whole thing is second to none and I would guess that you have been writing far longer than you probably have been. I loved this and support it, Big score.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Happy New Year. Sean

This is a CWOG review for chapters 14 to 17:

Some great action and intensity, and more of the terrific character building and relationships I've come to expect from your writing.

CHAPTER 14:
- great descriptions here, with lines like “dragged them through the boggy plains”
- More possibly subjective comma stuff, such as “Ahhh(,) that's better” and “You're right(,) I could.” “I'll back you up(,) don't worry.” “not as tough as you make out to be(,) Twell.” and it seemed like there was one too many in “grabbed my hand, and we ran, as fast as we could”
- There seemed to be too many adverbs in this section, and they were overly repetitive, as you have “she nodded quickly” and “he swiftly” in the same sentence, and then use the word “quickly” once in each of the next three paragraphs.
- “continued on at (lightning) speed” ?
- I'd have spaces between “Put.Me.Down.” to give each word more emphasis
- “without even glancing at us as he ploughed past us,” - I'd take out the last “us” or change it to something like “without even glancing our way as he ploughed past us.” to avoid saying “us” quite so close together.
- “like a physical slap to the face” - I might take out “physical”
CHAPTER 15 -
- I did wonder a bit at first why she got so incensed about Mira being with Chaz, considering she now knew he looked at her like a younger sister, thought that quickly went away, as I do really like the scene, and how the tension and animosity that has been building finally erupted between them.
- “Er...in a minute?” - I loved this reaction, and the look of glee on the guys' faces
- great work on the aftermath, as the depiction of the shame that often follows a real fight felt very accurate to life to me.
- I liked the line about Jonaz being second / fiftieth hand
- I'd take out the apostrophe in “Say's who?” and I'd add one in “nature(')s gift”
CHAPTER 16 -
- I would have liked more build-up towards what they do in this chapter. It felt a bit sudden, and it might have helped to include a mention or two in one of the preceding chapters, or a bit more questioning about the Abwarzians' motivations. This could just be me, but it might have worked better for me if she went there for more selfish reasons, and to know where she came from, and then happens upon this information, as this other reason for going felt like it came a little out of the blue.
- “(fervently) hoped not”
- I got chills when she looked at the woman's face – very effective and troubling descriptions; I thought you did an excellent job on this scene, and revealing the pictures she sees
- “things I'd (learned) tonight” / “I couldn't excuse (the) way”
CHAPTER 17 -
Not to much to say here; it was very well done, from the dream to the scene with her and Mira, and I especially liked the cliffhanger ending to this chapter.

Excellent work overall, and some great scenes that are really pushing the plot forward. Looking forward to reading more soon.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless
What, the Elf?

This is great! I love YA novels (even though I'm ever so slightly older than the target audience) and I think you've done a great job with the building up of suspense here. I've read the first six chapters and will be back for more! I like the way the characters are much like teens anywhere, though they are dealing with some extraordinary events. It makes the story seem more realistic. I like the way you described Como and how it is similar to and different from earth. One thing I did notice, as another commenter pointed out, was that it seems to me that you don't use enough commas. For example, when you're addressing someone by name, as in "Night, Chaz." I think not everyone will agree with me on this since a lot of people seem to have stopped putting commas in places like that, but I do think it is better for the flow. Also I noticed that you were using double quotes (") for dialogue and then switched to single quotes ('); they should all be double quotes. Other than that, I didn't really notice any typos. Good luck with this! Backed and rated highly.

Hi again, 3 chapters in and I have to say, you had me at 180th birthday! I did guess what you were up to but it was nice. Initially I was a bit worried that Twell was too clichéd, both in character and storyline, but the end of chapter one had a lovely hook and that kept me going. I liked the things like Moga poo that kept popping up. They instantly screamed humanoids not on Earth which makes the reader more comfortable. Of course the link to that comes later, very nicely done. I find that it is best read with peanut brittle - I hope you're not allergic - if so, just carry one of those hypodermics! By the end of chapter three I was beginning to feel a bit Twell Potter & the Prisoner of the Special Talents Planet, but don’t get me wrong – this is by no means a bad thing! Chapter four for lunch tomorrow with some pecan pie… :DJ

Hi again, 3 chapters in, will read more tomorrow - it seems you had me hooked at 180th birthday! I did guess how you got there, but it was nice. I was a bit worried at first that it was too cliched, both in character and story, but the end of the first chapter had a lovely hook that kept me going, so nice! I liked things like Moga poo - it instantly screamed humanoids not on Earth and I think makes the reader more comfortable. Of course you show the link back later. I like the way you drop little bits of history in as you go, keeps it interesting and builds the world nicely. I'm worried if I'm starting to think Twell Potter & the Prisoner of Special Abilities Land, but don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing at all. More to come. :DJ

Whoa cool blend of intrigue and romance in a modern setting of high school. The high school backdrop is good and blends everything up with the norm of school life and being a teenager. I know how that goes though it was a private school.
The speed is so easy to get into the plot and character Twell.
The plot idea is so well crafted.
No flaws or typos as far as I could see.
The pitch does drag on, but my idea doesn't mean much.
Cool, cool.
Toni [Caver of Time]

This is a fabulous book. I wish you all the best with it's publication. I was drawn into the story right from the beginning. I started the story thinking that Twell was a typically spoiled, self-absorbed teenager. But quickly we begin to see that Twell is more than just suffering normal teenage angst. By the end of the book, we've completely adopted her as our heroine. I hope there's another book on the way. When it's e-published and available for Nook, let me know.

The sci-fi world of Como is skillfully built. I could really see the landscape, the people, and the sociological nuances; it's really well done.

The maturation of Twell is tied into her heart, and I love that we get to see so deeply into her psyche. We absolutely despise Mira at the beginning, and grieve with her at the end. We hurt for her unrequited love with Chaz, but then agree with her that Jonaz is the one. Then you twist us all around by pairing her with Avin...so not fair.

I completely love this book. Six stars from me.

Laura Emmons
Granny Magic

I noticed a couple of typos. Hope it helps.
Ch 4 2nd to last para. you're spelled your're
Ch 13 Mr grabby should be Mr. Grabby
8 para. later, needs quotation mark after 'that?'
Ch 14 'If there was anyone to convine me..."
There are numerous places whre you use double quotes and other places where you use single quotes. They sould all be double quotes.
You are missing many commas. I'm also comma-phobic, so I can't say too much about it, except that a potential publisher might want you to fix them all.