Watch

Watch-Cass McMain

Hi Cass,
I've read until the end of your Chapter 14, and I am enjoying the suspense and the pace. I still trust your word on the pitch saying that this is not a vampire story although we keep reading about the vampires. I don't like them. I guess it's much more than that, but I'll have to find out. So far, well-written and gripping story. WL'd, high stars, and best wishes, Sebnem-The Child of Heaven

PS I love the writing on your profile...

Only one chapter in. Reads like a crisp biscuit and a sharp coffee on a clear morning. No clutter at all and characters you can take a walk with. Will read on.

Cass, this is very well written and the premise is mysterious, susepenseful, interesting, and unique. I think that your are onto something here and have given Watch High Stars!

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Is 61 really the end? Tell me it isn't so! It feels unfinished--there's no resolution with Edgar, with Corky.

I mean, yes, it does pass the torch to Scott (which is sad). The obsession part is definitely there and well defined. Lots of full circle in this book. Loads and loads of cycles repeating (particularly through parental neglect). Lots of familial bonds (how they work and don't work--everyone's divorced, children are rebellious and insecure).

Very interesting portrayal of societal decay through the breakdown of the family unit, but also, strangely, through the devotion in family, particularly between the Grey and Moonrich brothers.

After all, if Moony hadn't covered up for Edgar and had, instead, ratted him out to his parents, Edgar and Moony might have both been saved from insanity. If Moony had drawn a line and stuck to it, e would have called the cops and ratted his brother out (and saved lots of people from undue pain and death, and himself from eventual insanity).

For Grey and his brother, if either had been ratted to the parents, there would have been (hopefully) counseling. But because they stuck together and encourage each other on that path, one of them has disappeared, and the other is stuck to being food. The character of Grey does remind me of Jared, but with self-mutilation and blood-letting instead of sexual servitude and sacrifice. It's the insecurity, the need for penance, the need to nurture someone else (largely, in Jared's instance, because of a lack of support and nurturing in his own neglected childhood. Grey struck me as very similar in this regard). Sacrifice has become confused with love. It's like love only exists when Jared (or Grey) has endured pain--the vehicle of love.

Whereas Grey seems to confuse blood for pain=love, Edgar and Scott have gone the other route of blood=power, which they also find security in.

All this talk of blood and cutting though makes my elbows and knees weak, and my head light. I'll never make it in medicine, as much as I would love to. This book seems to have sealed that deal... :(

Got up to chapter 50. Hate to stop now, but I'll be back later for more!

I'd message you but it says you won't take messages. So, yes, you were right. I fixed it. Thank you!

Chap 37 Nit-- when Nick and Scott are talking about the porn magazines, I think you switched the boys names. Scott would ask Nick what it had been like to steal from his brother.

Chap 40 "It was snowing" should probably be "It's snowing."

Golly, am I looking forward to reading more of this later :D

Chap 37 Nit-- when Nick and Scott are talking about the porn magazines, I think you switched the boys names. Scott would ask Nick what it had been like to steal from his brother.

Chap 37 Nit-- when Nick and Scott are talking about the porn magazines, I think you switched the boys names. Scott would ask Nick what it had been like to steal from his brother.

Hi Cass,

I just read the first three chapters of your book 'Watch' which has been on my watch list for a while.

The start is intriguing with the paranoid and irrational Moony's suspicion about his patient daughter, Pam. I got exasperated with him myself. Having worked with elderly people in care homes the setting is realistic.

The significance of his collection of vampire books being left not to Pam in his will, but his niece, Corky, makes it a page-turner.

I liked the names you have chosen, although their gender stayed a mystery for a few sentences.

The dialogue is natural, and the family conflict on Corky's part towards her cousin, Pam, adds a realistic touch.

I intend to read more and high stars from me.

All the best with it,

Carol Jefferies
(The Witch of Fleet Street)

First of all, great title and cover. They definitely grab my attention. And I love the tag line. also the pitch is short, sweet and to the point. Some try to put too much info in there and it just gets confusing.

also, I see we are both fans of short chapters, haha! =D I love the little mental break I get, and get bored with scenes that drag on too long. Great short chapters.

In ch. 1 the only suggeston I have is not to slip into the daughter's POV at all. It's only for a second, but I got a bit disjointed, and I don't think her POV adds anything. You can get across how she's feeling just by showing her actions and expressions. Love ch.1 POV from Moony. Great, rich, interesting POV. His voice is loud and clear.

In ch. 2 I would like to see an actual scene of of the cat, just a tiny little one, maybe him reacting to that one employee. And maybe a little flash back scene of her with her uncle when she was a child. I think that would help us connect with all of them.

Otherwise, great writing! It's fast paced, and just clips right along. The characters and settings are well developed without getting bogged down in too much detail, which I highly appreciate. =D

there are lots of things to be curious about just int he first 2 chapters. Oh, the only other thing is I've been told many times you have to spell out "okay" and not write it as "OK". shrug...

excellent, I'm saving it in my WL for a spot on my shelf, and for now 6 stars. I so wish we had time to read all the interesting books we find on here all the way through, but alas, we would have time for nothing else!

cheers!
Carrie Lange
Letting Go

OMGersch, THIS IS SO AWESOME!

I got to Chapter 15 before I had to stop (due to a failing laptop battery and a growling stomach).

Such believable characters. Who hasn't met a Scott, a Pam, a Bruce? Such real people, and you do such a great job painting them.

By your long pitch, I'm assuming nobody's a vampire, and that the story is all about insanity. Excellent!

So looking forward to reading more of this :D

First of all, I am so sorry it took me so long to get to your book. It has been on my watch list for a long time.

I don't normally read vampire stories because there has been so many, but yours is told very differently. I immediately got a feel for your characters. Uncle Moony's journal, releasing just enough information at a time to keep up the suspense, was excellent work.

I was a little disappointed when you deserted Corky to tell the story from the other point of views, but I am assuming that there is a correlation between Pam's boys and Moony and Edgar. It is all very engrossing, though.

I only read up to chapter 27 and had to make myself put it down and go to bed. I know this is supposed to be a critique, but I really didn't find any major mistakes and your descriptions are great. This is definitely a six star book. Thank you for an evening of enjoyment and I wish you the best with this. :)

Hi Cass,

this is not my usual genre, but I enjoyed the writing, as you know how to set up a good plot and make it believable. The characters are well drawn, with Corky as the innocent and pleasant MC who receives a strange inheritance, and out of kindness and personal integrity is forced to make herself familiar with the supernatural world which her uncle seems to have inhabited all his life.

I found that your characterisations were revealed through dialogue and small observations which are significant and add an extra dimension - Pam, the irritable cousin, who cares about signatures and whose interest is only roused when she sees a gold-chain, the two boys who address the world in completely different ways while half playing half 'helping', Bruce, who is the powerless brother and of course, Moony whose fragile state is portrayed with the greatest precision, giving a perfect image of a dying man.

I admired the ease with which you combined the rational and the irrational world, and identified the borderlines by employing narrative skills, precise description and a good amount of matter-of-fact dialogue.

Moony's illness and strange behaviour both contribute to making the unbelievable feasible. I was most impressed with the way you built up tension slowly, starting with just a couple of hints, and feeding the reader little chunks at a time, which I found were always timely and meaningful.

Already shelved.

Ame

This book is excellent. It's well-paced and masterfully written. I've read through some of the previous comments you've received, and I'm slightly at a loss for something original to contribute.

This is unlike anything I've ever read and I found it to be highly entertaining. I admire your ability to build suspense and the originality of your plot.

It's rather late as I write this and that could be having an impact on my ability to articulate my praise for Watch, but I'll sum up by saying that it left me wanting to read as much of your writing as possible.

Highly recommended.

Michael

Hi Cass

There’s a great sense of creepy mystery here with all the components for one of those curl up and read book. The protagonist who is oblivious to the world she’s about to enter. The mysterious uncle on death’s door with a secret that will help save her life. The handwritten book of the Vampired, new and interesting take on the genre. Nicely done. Enjoyable read. Feels like a film in here too. On the WL.

I have some crits if you want them sending.

Tornbridge
The Washington Adventure

Hi Cass- I read and enjoyed chapters eight, nine, ten, and eleven of "Watch". Uncle Moony is great, crazy old buzzard that he is. I feel like I picked a good chapter to start- his crazy howling raises goosebumps on my skin.

"I'm not an idiot! I see the look on your face, on their faces! I see death! Death!" - yes, excellent!

I am impressed by your writing style. You have a unique way with words, perfect for this genre. I like the way you reveal the diary in bits and pieces. It adds a layer of mystery to the story, not to mention fear. And the way that you write the diary with a totally different (and more old fashioned) voice than you use with the dialog is brilliant.

"How can I be sure of my motives, when I cannot be sure of his? Can one of the vampired feel love, or only lust; or is it only lust that I feel and the love which is truly his? Has it ever been thus? How can a man ever know the difference, when his eyes betray his soul at every turn, when his lips always desire what he must never have..."

Yes, this is very good. It demonstrates that you are willing to reach a bit, to take a chance and create something that is out of the ordinary. Vampires are so humdrum, but with writing like this you can set your story apart from the rest.

The pacing seems good, the chapters a bit short. You might want to reveal a bit more about Corky, sprinkle in some personal things to flesh her out as a character. You are consistent with the point of view, which I appreciate. The grammar and all seems pretty tight, well edited for the most part.

Good luck and best wishes,
SJ

This is gripping, nail biting, page turning stuff. Very original. High stars!!

I agree with Mark Cain. You know sometimes we read into a book too deeply and dont let our minds go. I would never read this normally but did so before I read anything below. I really did like it and the reason for that is simple. I didnt judge it as I read it.....I just sat back and enjoyed it. The delivery by the writer was superb and delivered is just as the reader would expect. I have a lot of time for this and I see it going all the way. It was excellent. Second time I have read this and I can see a third and fourth in the future. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or Watch List wont you? happy New Year. Sean

I have to say I am pretty frightened.
I'm up to chapter ten, I had to find out what the book was about, but now I am bugging out, scared, wimpishly in a corner.
I'm afraid paranormal is never really going to be my thing, I have an aversion to it all that my mother gave me!

I think this is fantastic though, you've completely drawn me in.
A major strength is that you write third person confidently, something I need to learn a lot about.
The story comes across through dialogue and superficial expressions and actions.
And you construct them so well that we have a real insight into the character, especially at this point Moony, who I can really imagine.

I suppose, as I try to offer something useful in my comments, you could consider how you can use the narrator's voice to add a introspective depth to the story, (but you'll know from my writing that this is a pet priority of mine!)
You could, for instance build up the background around Vampires, or hit us with your own opinionsm on the supernatural.
Having the gumption to write "I" in the middle of a third person story would be a tricky balancing act though.

All in all though, I am going to find space for you on my shelf, because I think you've got a very saleable story here, and your hardwork in writing and editing this so that it is very gripping deserves my backing.

Thanks for the read and kind regards,
Kit

Cass,
Loving the book. I am up to Chapter four and just caught one item that seemed a little awkward: No heavier and no slenderer, I would consider revising to: No heavier and no slimmer. Other than that this is a fantastic story - you've got me hooked! I like it.

Scott W.
Byron:A Zombie Tale
The Disappearance of Charles Abbott Hart

Hi Cass,

I came to your book via the excerpt in the best excerpts thread. The slightly sardonic tone was what attracted me. It's in these early chapters, too, and it works here as well. It's the kind of book I'd like to finish (although because I have to read it on my PC, I probably won't). The characters are well developed, and subtly so. Pam, especially, with her insurance forms and wills, is a delightfully unpleasant creation. The style is just to my taste, neither too plain nor over-elaborate. I haven't really enjoyed a vampire story since 'Interview with the Vampire' (about twenty years ago), but this interests me. I have no idea where it's going in terms of plot, but that doesn't matter as I've only read five chapters. If I felt like that after five of my chapters I'd be worried, but yours are mercifully concise. Just a few comments below and to let you know I'm putting it on my shelf immediately.

Chapter One

I like almost everything about this chapter. The only thing is I'd be inclined to end with 'He couldn't keep watch any more', I think that would be a great hook, especially with the reference to the title. The memory about stealing the cross and the bit about the wires both need to be in there, but could come sooner.

Chapter Two

Should be 'put him in (a) hospice' I think.

How long does it take to visit a dying uncle and collect a few crappy old books from him? At this point the whole discussion about how much time she needs off seems a bit confusing. At first she seems genuinely sorry to inconvenience her apparently kindly employer, but no sooner has he agreed (and even offered her more time if she needs it) than she goes off on a jokey spiel about how the office cat might not be happy with the arrangements. And then, when she's talking to her boyfriend, it seems she doesn't really need so much time off anyway. I'm assuming that for plot reasons you need to have her stay there longer than a day or two, but this doesn't need to be arranged in advance - she could just phone Lew and say she got delayed. The way it is now, it makes Corky come across as rather shallow, insincere, manipulative, even though in every other respect she comes across as likeable.

I'm not interested in detailed physical descriptions of characters, unless they're relevant to the plot, but I would like a better sense of her age. At first I thought she was very young (maybe 18-23) probably because of her name and her 'voice'. But then it turns out her boyfriend has a kid. Of course, he could have had a kid young or there could be an age gap, but because it is a potential anomaly it might be better to mention her age somewhere.

'Corky had obviously spent some time with her cousins'...Obvious to whom? We're in Corky's POV so of course it's obvious to her, because she knows that she did.

Chapter Three

I really like the phone conversation - Pam asks her to come and then acts like she's a nuisance. Only thing is I wouldn't say that kind of thing had always put her off, I'd say something stronger - liked pissed her off?

Chapter Four

'More and more like your mother' - nice bitchiness.

Chapter Five

I like the scene with the boys packing the books and the banter between them, but the shifts in POV, first to Pam and then to the kids, are a bit too abrupt. I don't know how you'd get around it, though, without cutting it altogether.

Will read more and comment more later.

Regards
Dave F

I've read the entire thing and all I can say is "wow."
I don't want to spoil this book for anyone who hasn't read it all - but Watch is, without a doubt, the best book I've read on 'vampires' in a long time.

Cass - you're clean writing style allows the reader to really see and feel the layers of the characters, the implications of their actions. Nothing is what it seems, and while I had a 'feel' about Scott and Todd and what would happen with Scott - I wasn't disappointed. Why? Because you never hid anything, you simply showed the reader the facts and we travelled on Scott's journey.
Corky and Glen - well ... come the end I wanted to beat down that door and drag her out.

This is amazing. I love it. LOVE it.

Excellent, clean writing, a really nice slow-burn sense of suspense, a fascinating “is he mad or isn't he” mystery right off the top, and some really nice turns of phrase and some great, complex characterizations. I very much enjoyed reading this, and the bite-sized chapters were a refreshing change of pace. The “wires” in the eyes have me quite intrigued, as well.

Critiques-wise, I couldn't help thinking it was a tiny bit sparse on description at times, as I was curious to know what type of cat Thump was (adore the name, by the way), and I couldn't quite picture the characters as well as I would have liked. But that was the only possible issue I had--aside from a really minor typo in the second sentence of the long pitch--and it's quite likely just personal preference.

Great job overall.
High stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Hi Cass! Not sure I ever thanked you for commenting on my own book Eeny Meeny, so I wish to correct that oversight now along with my review of your own book.
Well written book!

Other than reading most of Bram Stoker's Dracula, this is my first ever read of a vampire story. I was pleasantly surprised, perhaps because only having read up to chapter 11, there is none of the usual blood and gore that one usually associates with such stories.

1. Cover Design ****
Attractive and Simple!

2. Short and Long Pitches ****
Good enough to spark my interest and get me to read!

3. Content *****
The story flows quickly and well, and one is soon drawn into the lives and feelings of the characters. It might be a little too drawn out for some before getting to the 'meat' of the story, but for me it was just fine. Like some previous reviewers, I was a little disoriented by the switching of POV but it was minor.

4. Readability
It was very easy to read and I was at the end of chapter 11 before I knew it.

5 Spelling and grammar *****
I am not a nitpicker, nothing jumped out at me.

6. Overall rating *****
A very good read. Not my usual genre but I may be back for more!
Rated 5 Stars and backed!

Roy
Eeny Meeny: Proof that the Gods MUST be Crazy

I like this. I haven't got far enough to make any constructive criticism, but what I have read I thought was very well executed. Written fluidly and easily, totally believable characters. In fact, I liked it more than that. I thought the writing style really excellent! Sorry, am half asleep and want to watchlist this book for my next bookshelf shuffle!
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair

I'm a sucker for vampire stories, I really am. Yeah, I even liked Twilight. :) And I like this but it puzzles me too. The voice is very young and I kept double-checking that it wasn't down as a YA novel. Cos it reads like one - and that is actually a compliment because I love YA fiction.
I'm not too good at the nitty-gritty crit stuff so forgive me if I only give impressions. I can only tell you where the read snagged for me.
The POV shifts pulled me up short, I must confess. In fact, having read the first ten chapters and looking back, I almost feel as if I want that first one to be in Moony's POV entirely - really creepy, crazed paranoid (or, as we later discover, not so paranoid) voice.
And then I have this overwhelming yearning for it all to be in Corky's POV. But I'm a rotten POV purist and I also have a nasty habit of wanting to rewrite other people's books so tell me to shut the fuck up!
When we meet Corky, she seems very young...again giving me the YA vibe. Sometimes, the dialogue snagged for me. 'Please don't worry about us..' Would the shop owner, however fond he were of Corky, really say that? I'd be all hacked off (even if under the surface) and thnking about who's gonna man the shop.
Some lovely lines and some great humour. 'How's the death going?' made me smile.
It's a slow burn, a very slow burn. I found myself champing at the bit to get to the book.
But I like your writing a lot and like where I feel this is going. I hate reading on screen so 10 chapters without pause is going it some for me.
Sorry, that really isn't useful at all,is it? :(

Although the writing is decent, I couldn't really get into this. When I see the name 'Corky', I think of the charming guy with Down Syndrome from 'Life Goes On' (a great, great show), and when I hear 'Moony', I think of the creepy dudes who tried to make me join their cult when I was at college. It brought up too many conflicting memories. There is only ever going to be one Corky for me and that's Corky Thacher. I just don't think I'm ready to accept another Corky into my life right now. Can a girl be called Corky?

JPM

Perhaps the most unusual yet compelling read I've found on authonomy. This is a book layered in ambiguity, and the reader is never really sure who is good or bad, what is true or untrue, what is right and what is wrong. This is not a book of answers but of questions. For all that, it's a deeply satisfying read, with complex characters that stretch across three generations. This is a book that makes you think, examining your own beliefs, your own notions of reality, normality, sanity.

I'm backing this one. Great job, Cass.

This is not your typical vampire story. It's more like The Historian than Dracula, a tale of relationships, humanity, and what it means to be human. This is subtle stuff.

I've read 21 chapters now, and I'm still very intrigued. This is a good read, complex, well-crafted. I intend to read to the end, then I'll offer some more comments.

For now, top stars and on my watchllist. Mark

I feel compelled to point out that there is really no connection with vampire comics in this book.

Watch has a quirky feel about it that is intriguing. Corky is a good character that is strong and destined for some surprises that her Uncle Moody has concealed. The Vampire comics is a good hook - suddenly I could sense a twist and it kept me reading. Cass, I like your free flowing style. I think your characterisation is very mature and the story scoots along effortlessly. On my WL for further reading! Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

Watch has a quirky feel about it that is intriguing. Corky is a good character that is strong and destined for some surprises that her Uncle Moody has concealed. The Vampire comics is a good hook - suddenly I could sense a twist and it kept me reading. Cass, I like your free flowing style. I think your characterisation is very mature and the story scoots along effortlessly. On my WL for further reading! Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

Hey Cass.

Well I've heard plenty of good things about your book, so I thought I'd give it a read since there is absolutely nothing on television.

I could find nothing to criticise in Ch. 1, really. I liked that the title reveal came early.

Ch. 2

One thing (and it's not a big deal) I noticed is that Lew is referred to as both Lew and Lewis. Again, not a big deal, I just think maybe it's better to stick to calling him by one name.

While I'm on this Lew train, he says Corky's name, or a variation of it, an awful lot in dialogue, and I don't think it's always necessary.

Another small thing was that there were lots of names thrown around, and (I've gotten this comment before, which is the only reason I'm mentioning it now) it could be construed as confusing to bring more than a few names into the mix so early on.

I want Thump.

Corky's ideas on why Thump hates Brenda was amusing.

I spent far too long wondering if doors 'clink' shut before I gave it up and moved on.

In the first few paragraphs of this second scene in the second chapter, there is a lot of the word 'eyes' going on. I think you could easily eliminate a few of them during the parts where Corky is scanning the room. We know (or should) that she is scanning the room with her eyes, unless she's carrying some large stockroom scanner around with her.

The end of this chapter was fine, but I think it could have been a little more poignant to end it at that last dialogue bit that said 'sometimes it just goes too fast.' I couldn't tell you why I thought that, though. I don't mind abrupt chapter ends or scene breaks, and I thought that would be a better page turner than the few sentences that follow.

I do like Corky, though. She's got this sort of dry humor thing going on that I can always appreciate, and it makes for a good narrator.

Ch. 3

I don't have any negative things to say about this chapter but that there is a lot of 'was' going on, which I have learned is not good from an editor. Apparently it's passive voice? I don't know. It doesn't bother me, really, just wanted to pass it along.

I like how you're giving us small chunks of information at a time to avoid the dreaded 'INFO-DUMP' authonomy members love to complain about.

Okay again I think it may have been better to end this chapter on the 'she might even find one she wanted to read.' And again, I cannot tell you why this is, I'm just very odd that way. Best to ignore me, for the most part :)

Also, your chapters are a perfect length. Not long enough to scare people off, and that's always a good thing.

Ch. 4

I think the description of Bruce in the beginning could stand to be a little less tell-y. (I feel like a douche for pulling the show not tell card, though) The 'Dull pudding of a man' thing was good, but I'd have liked to know how he looked beaten and tired. You said he had bags under his eyes, but maybe something like lavender skin sagged beneath his eyes. Or something. Okay my attempt was awful, but I hope you know what I meant by that ramble.

Smiled a cold smile seems a little too...smiley. Unless you were going for purposeful repetitiveness? It works, I suppose, but 'cracked a cold smile' would have eliminated one extraneous smile if that wasn't your intent.

I like Corky more and more, especially with the 'you gained a few pounds, huh Pam' bit.

Loved: 'The Dying Rooms' bit.

The description of Moony was great. Simple, and a hint of the madness he must be experiencing.

There's a few too many adverbs I'm noticing, that I feel you don't need...'intently', 'rapidly', 'blearily', 'furiously', 'noncommittally', 'gently'. While some work, I think you could strike a few -- you'v done your job right as a writer, and I feel the reader could infer, sans adverbs, what it looks like. If that makes sense. The blearily could be eliminated through saying something about Moony's eyes being glassy, or glazed, whatever. Though honestly I seem to be Ms. Adverb queen, so I should just shut the fuck up. I notice them a lot more now after going through edits. Sigh.

With the 'Did Dad enjoy the patio?" portion there's a few unnecessary dialogue tags. We know Pam is the speaker, so I think leaving them out would make that part just as strong.

Hope I was helpful, but I seldom am. One last parting note: I really like the cover. It's crude, almost childlike, the drawing, but it seems to make it more creepy, and matches the ambiance and mood of your book.

M

A great start! I have read the first 2 chapters so far and I am completely hooked! the first chapter was strong, creating intrigue from the offset. This looks like its going to develop into a very interesting and mysterious story. I loved what I have read so far and will be reading on. Stars for now with a place on my shelf as soon as I have space.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

This book is really good. Don't remember reading anything I would change, although I was too engrossed in the story to notice. I only got up to Chapter 12, it was started to drag a little, wanted to hurry and get to the meat of the story. What's the word count? you write very well and tell a very engaging story even if it is about vampires.

Good job, six stars.

Abby

Hello Helianthus,

I told you I'd come! Actually, I forgot that I'd told you, but tonight I remembered. So, here I am.

Ah, now, this is better. I could appreciate the craft in your last book; but it was all a bit Radio 4 Play For Today to me. Now, this one - well, I can't think of another radio-based analogy (and you probably don't get Radio 4 in New Mexico anyway) but suffice to say I like this new book a lot better. It's nippy, involving and it has admirably short chapters.

I made a few notes as I went along but they're just annoying grammatical issues - I feel like a bit of a heretic pointing them out to you as you're miles better at that kind of thing than I am, but it makes me feel useful in some small way. Given your undoubted dominion over this realm I have mostly phrased my points as questions:

Ch2: Missing word. "I told him (I) needed the whole week..."

Is it ok to say "ok" or is it better to say "okay"?

Ch4: Is "slenderer" a word? Shouldn't it be "more slender"?

Ch8: "Did you write that one, Moony?" Double space there. Getting a bit thin now, I know.

Wasn't sure if this was a mistake in the diary excerpt: "I knew them though they did know me.." Should that be "didn't"?

Ch9: "Well eventually it said he drove him away..." Not sure if I got that quote right, as I couldn't read my notes properly, but shouldn't there be a comma before "eventually"? And, maybe, after as well.


Anyway, fuck all that inconsequential tomfoolery. I shall now proceed towards a general overview.

GENERAL OVERVIEW:

I really like this.

That was my general overview. It's funny that the title is "Watch", because, based on your forum contributions (and your avatar, where you look like you're gazing out of a bay window wistfully as geese migrate) you come across as an observer. Like, if you were on a beach, you might watch people splashing about in the water but be too nervous about your cellulite to take off your sarong and join them. That's more of a metaphor, really, I am not suggesting you have cellulite. But, in the context of this book, all that observation has paid off. It's all so...well, it's all so well observed, really.

I only read up to Chapter 10, so the book hasn't yet gone off into the realms of the fantastical like I expect it to. You've very deftly grounded it in The Real World before you make that leap, which makes me more inclined to jump that hurdle with you when you go. I'm very busy these days, but I hope I can find time to read more of this soon.

Easy to read, easy to like, easy to back.

Dave

This is a splendid read. I found Sunflower too slow-moving for my instant-everything tastes, but this is paced to perfection. I only managed ten chapters before my ride arrived to take me to lunch, but I would gladly read more. And that comes from someone who generally detests vampire books.

Watch is right up there with Bad Bishop as vampire fiction I could take seriously. It's very well-crafted and close to flawless so far. I really do hope you are doing all those grown up things like querying and so on. This is too good to linger on Authonomy.

Hugely impressed!

WATCH
This is an interesting book. Moony is a great character; his mind might not to fully intact, but his sense of humor is and that makes him a good character to follow. Corky is a second good character; a nice contrast to Pam as she’s much more caring toward Moony. In addition to good characters, the plot is a good one; Corky unsuspecting about what could be in the books and papers she’s going to receive; Pam just as unaware they could be more important than inheriting the big house. I think this is a book women’s book clubs will pick up to read; it has enough different characters every one in a club could find one with which to identify and discuss. I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Mark/Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I had the sincere pleasure of reading this entire book. I would sit at my daughter's soccer practice and read it on my kindle, and was amazed when 90 minutes had passed by in just a few seconds.

I enjoyed the flow of the story and how smoothly it was written. The writing style is easy without any awkwardness or jerkiness to throw me out of the story.

I found the characters, while not always likable, to be fully fleshed out, and easy to visualize.

I loved the main story arc, the journal entries and the moving back and forth in time.

I cannot think of a single thing I did not enjoy. Out of all the books I've read on Authonomy this goes amongst my favorites.

Well done!

Sharon Van Orman

I have only read the first 5 chapters but wow. You write with such imagination. The narrative and the flow of the story gets the reader hooked right away.
Cant wait to read more soon

This is really wonderful writing. Great, detailed narrative, coupled with very fluid dialogue. You paint your characters well, really giving them a human feel. Your craftsmanship and storytelling, overall, are really first rate!
Critique-wise, the only thing I noticed, at least in the first couple chapters, was that you kept veering away from physical descriptions of your characters, even when Moony is picking up the mirror. Perhaps that was intentional, (I've not read far enough to be sure) but if not I'd address it. Other than that -- stellar writing.
Best of luck with this! And if you are up for some middle-grade, tongue-in-cheek adventuring, please do come visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

There is so much at play in this book, that it's difficult to focus on any one thing at a time. Corky unexpectedly is gifted with her uncle's collection of vampire books, including his personal diary. When we first meet Uncle Moony, he is near death, seemingly senile, but determined to pass on his legacy to Corky in an attempt to save her from her own heritage. Reluctantly, Corky takes the books, and a necklace he insists she needs for her own protection.

This close relationship with her uncle opens the door for us to see how his own daughter reacts to the situation. Obviously, Pam is a bit on the flighty side. She is quick to judge, easily stressed, but at the same time insists on doing everything for herself. She is obviously jealous that Corky can come in at the last minute, accept her father’s affection and then breeze out without having to deal with any of the hard stuff.

The book then switches POV and we get to see what happened in the past, according to Moony. He both fears and loves his brother and is torn with regards to managing the situation. He knows the world will think he’s insane if he starts telling people his brother is vampired – but at the same time he wants to protect those he loves – including Corky’s mother, who was brainwashed into marrying Edgar and afterwards had to suffer his abuse. Edgar is evil, but the image of him, as a small child, asking about birds going to heaven sits with the reader – letting them know that despite his “need” for blood, he was once an innocent child. Instinct is driving him to behave the way he does.

Then, we are back to Corky learning that there is an underground society of donors and sanguinarians. On the surface, they are not evil, just people with a need to drink blood and others who enjoy letting it. They use knives instead of biting and it all seems very civil, if a little creepy. Within this group, there is a sub-group who are more aggressive, more violent and here learn of another man searching for his brother, whose life seems to parallel Moony’s, although we aren’t given the details.

Another POV switch brings us back to Pam and her children. Through an accidental overdose, Pam is found dead by her youngest son, Scott. Scott, as we’ve learned earlier in the book, is misunderstood, bullied and largely ignored. His mother is too busy have melt-downs to deal with him and his older brother isn’t much of an advocate – but it’s clear Todd (the brother) loves his sibling, as the teasing is intermixed with tolerance and hints of emotion. There is the hint of the return on of Edgar, as an older man gives Scott a knife to defend himself after chasing some bullies away and then abruptly disappears. Even before Pam’s death, we see Scott turning in on himself, looking for a way to fit in and to be strong.

At the end of the book we find both Scott and Corky drawn into the lifestyle of the sanguinarians. Corky is lured in as an adult, knowing full well what she is embarking on, while Scott is innocently following his instincts.
This book is very well written. The characters are believable because of the showcasing of the strengths and weaknesses. I would have liked to see a stronger relationship between Seth and Corky. He’s there’s for her, supportive of her, but he’s so far in the background he is very easy to forget about. I would also like to see a bit more emotion between Todd and Scott. They lose their grandfather and their mother all in the same year, and they have no real connection with their mother. I think the reader would be even more sympathetic toward them if their sibling relationship was explored a bit more.

The POV switches are handled fairly gracefully, be sectioning them into "parts". Thank you for sharing the entire work with me. This has to be one of the most unique and engaging books I’ve read on Authonomy.

Well, I've read most of your book, Cass, and I have to say it's just about the creepiest (and most well-written) vampire book I've ever come across. And I don't even like vampire books. The very "ordinariness" of it is the thing, the rather mundane way it starts - with 40 something Corky trudging over to a hospice to visit her loony uncle Moony and to pick up his collection of vampire books. Her obnoxious cousins and their slightly less obnoxious children put in a none-too-friendly appearance, and Corky picks up a cross and a mirror to deflect vampires. Oh, and her uncle's deliriously off-the-wall "diary" Later on, as the pace quickens and we learn of mad Moony's even more mad brother Edgar, we, the reader, have to decide (as Corky does) whether Edgar is a vampire or just one of a coven of 'volunteer' blood-suckers (led by the mysterious Grey) who feel compelled to "pass energy" around by giving and receiving blood. Around halfway through, Edgar - having moved on from nipping his wife Cecilia to full-blown attacks on whores and young boys - leaves the scene (hmm...wasn't altogether convinced of this, why didn't he kill his bruv who had just backstabbed him?) and we are left wondering where and when he might return. You had me to this point, I was simply gobbling the pages up, but then the tension dies away...until the last chapter where little Scott starts playing with knives and drinking his own blood. I would have preferred to see the 'return of Edgar' (did I miss that bit?), but Scott will do. Are you planning a sequel?

This is compulsive stuff from a master storyteller. Why is it on only 12 shelves? Sometimes I wonder about this site...

Joe x

p.s. I LOVED the kitty in chapter two. As I've said many times before, there's a cat book in you waiting to break out. Puuurrruppps!

Hi dear Cass, I'm just dipping into your book, but before I do, could I humbly suggest a tweak to your (otherwise excellent) pitch? In para two of your LP, you dip suddenly from present tense to past tense, a little jarring. How about keeping it all in the present, as in: "...Corky can't decide which one IS crazier. Moony WATCHES Edgar s though his life DEPENDS on it. Edgar watches his brother right back. But then Edgar disappears, and now nobody has seen him for years.'

Okay, going in...

Hi Cass. I started to browse this on a recommendation although not really ingested in the long pitch. I like it so far - four chapters - and will read on a bit more in the daylight. I've no real feedback apart from that your main character, despite her awful name, is rather appealing and there's no wasted prose here. pacing is very good and the temptation to read on is strong.
Richard

Read this from cover to cover in one day. I'd quite like a follow up book. If there was one, I'd have read that the next day I'm sure.

You're a skilled writer. A great and very unusual story.

I love this. That is all.

I very much enjoy this book and only read chapter one! Very brilliant characters and a story that keeps my attention

Read to Ch. 13. I really like the reason Edgar decided to graduate from birds to humans. It's a dark place you got that from! And so plausible a way for a V to rationalize the taking of human life . . .

Corky needs the mirror!

The diary entries are good. A very different voice.

And, I just enjoy the way you write.

Looking forward to reading more.