The Ghost Shirt

CHIRG review:
This is brilliant. So funny that I was almost crying. "Vengeful blancmange". Perfect. This story works so well because it's so visual - which is such a hard concept to master, and you do it superbly. I have 'discovered' your book very late and can so see why you are at no. 5. The characterisation is some of the best I have ever read, I think you're rivalling Roald Dahl for wacky, disgusting, hate-inducing characters! Wishing you much success.
Eva H
Children of the Raven

Good comedy is notoriously hard to write, D.J., but you're doing a great job, I haven't laughed so much in ages. You had me with Pim Pam, the caramel coated cat, but then I read on and chortled over Stevens, the thuggy who would be a florist. Genius stuff! I'm giving this 6 stars for the most promising comedy voice I've come across this year. Well done!

Joe Kovacs
Ginger the Buddha Cat

(Is this a modern take on Snow White, with the grotesque Mrs McC as the wicked stepmother, and Coco and Chanel as the fashion-conscious step-sisters? Whatever, I can see this doing very well with the chick-lit teen brigade!)

Hey D.J.
Well, I'm (finally) here to write my comment. Sorry for commenting so late. (I've had school, my instrument, writing of zee Network and all.)
Now, I've only read the first three chapters, but I'm already in absolute LOVE with everything about this book! Your description is so good I've gotten into a habit of reading with my books covering my face the way Angus does. Oh, and I love Angus (just as much as Jordas loves Remy :].)
I love everything about this book and my one initial comment: OHMYGAWDNESS. THIS IS AMAZING!
I'll message and/or comment you back when I've read farther but so far, GREAT-MAZING start.
SIX STARS PLUS FOUR MORE!
Later,
-Toosi

CHIRG Review
This is, almost without doubt, the best book I've read on Authonomy in the three and half months I've been on here. Your writing is intelligent and hilarious. I would go through listing all the things I liked but it's pointless because I liked everything.

This will be going on my shelf tomorrow night when the end of month change over occurs. There are only two things that I feel could possibly stop this being published: The length - it's a little bit longer for a typical first novel aimed at this age group. And: Brain-dead agents and editors too short sighted to pick up such a fantastic book.

Well done.
Best of luck.
Six stars and on my shelf until it gets to the desk.

Benedict

Hi DJ, this is a YARG review.

What an original, funny and downright clever book! I've read the first 5 chapters and will be keeping it in my watchlist to read the rest. I love the idea of an MC who likes to read so much he collects weird old magazines from the Doctor and Dentist surgeries!

Your analogies and similies all brought a smile to my face, although if I had one comment, it would be that there were too many in the first chapter, which, for me, distracted from getting to know the characters; I think I would have got in to the story quicker if there were only 3 rather than the 6 I counted (although which you would cut, I don't know!). Having said that, I'm about 30 years older than your target audience so what do I know?

The story is shaping up nicely; every character is well-thought out and unique and I like that they all have their own little mannerisms and habits that give them substance very early on - I shall take note. I also like the way the story is going. I like the idea of combining traditional myths with the environmental problems that the earth is facing, and I'm looking forward to following Angus and Little Wing's adventures as they sort everything out.
Well done, a gripping, witty book that I'm sure will do very well.

Karen (K A Perkins)
An Ill Wind
http://authonomy.com/books/48436/an-ill-wind/

Congrats for that awesome review! :)

Well done on receiving such excellent comments from HC. Some of the best I've ever seen. You must feel very proud and good luck on the edit if that's the direction you go.

Mawdlin

Apologize for the delay but it seems you made the editor's desk anyway - mazal tov!

Cheers!
JC

The Ghost Shirt by D.J. Milne

Fascinating pitch. I intrigued. Anything that can blend Native folklore with a Scottish twist is a must read.

The protagonist is the perfect age to bridge elementary and middle graders.

Mrs. McC sounds like a hoot or a pain, depending on perspective – nipping naughty thoughts

‘Mrs. McC sat like a bloated acorn in her sumptuous red-leather armchair.’ and ‘Angus, the hand-me-down child, the jumble-sale junior, and the shame of her life.’ - Vivid descriptions

Finally, with a slurp, her infamous caramel carnage was locked and loaded – middle graders are going to love this line.

The cliff hanger at the end of ch. 1 is effective. The entire story flows easily and my heart goes out to Angus. This is a protagonist most of my students would relate to, as he is the global child-of-divorce. While I know you don’t need my comments, know it’s a joy to read a good story, well told, on Authonomy. The fact that it’s for tweens makes the experience all the richer. Fingers crossed for your success with Harper Collins.

Good laugh, enjoyed

Congratulations DJ. Great news for a great writer and book. Good luck!
Gary Clark

Love this. Very whacky, very amusing, instantly memorable characters. The hook is in place in the first chapter, and curiosity is ignited. Lovely, tight writing, jam packed full of goodness!

Don't know if kids will understand all the humour, but I loved it! Fantasy, surprising characters and a moral all rolled into one.
Jackie Chiknas
The Communicator

I loved the pace and the fact that you developed the story with small crisis scenes every so often. The characters are described so well I thought at first you were describing someone I knew. The mother and her caramel spit balls is a hoot, Overall it is well written and a book that you could cuddle up with a cup of coffee on a cold winter day. Keep up the good work.

I loved the pace and the fact that you developed the story with small crisis scenes every so often. The characters are described so well I thought at first you were describing someone I knew. The mother and her caramel spit balls is a hoot, Overall it is well written and a book that you could cuddle up with a cup of coffee on a cold winter day. Keep up the good work.

Ch 1 Very exciting first chapter.The reader gets to experience the scene first hand as if we are an integral part of the story. I swear I felt like ducking so I wouldn't get hit with the caramel onslaught. Yuck! The author needs to watch the metaphors, I have no idea what a 'pigeon in a pig sty' means. But that is a small thing as well as a few punctuation errors. Still a stunning first chapter.

This is fun, fun, fun.

As you read, vivid descriptions and humorous scenarios zip past you like cars around a scaletrix track and leave you hungry for more.

Even at the beginning you have memorable characters - Mrs. McC and the wonderfully named Coco and Chanel.

"Bloated acorn," and "unrelenting woodpecker" - brilliant. High stars and a backing.

Good luck.

Tom Sarega
Dreamcatchers - After Darkness Light

D.J.
Thanks for the invite. I enjoyed reading your 1st chapter. The verbal exchange of your charecters are very
smooth and easy to follow. You have really hit upon something with your novel. Good luck.

Hi DJ, Have been busy with my Fire Safety business, and writing when I can squeeze it in. Got one of the winning entries in the Authonomy SS competition, so entered another one, can't hurt. Have put your book back on my watchlist and scored it. By the way well done for getting to 3, not easy, so congratulations. Tigershark.

Hi DJ(:

I really don't have much to say about this. Because honestly, it was extremely well written, and your characters, the voice, everything was very well thought out. Throughout the story(I only had time for one chapter) I had the sense of Cinderella in this story, especially in the beginning. Yet, at the same time it was almost nothing like Cinderella. Very nice; I love Cinderella.♥

Here's just a few things I found, you can completely ignore me if you disagree:
--"In the heat of the moment [I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma after 'moment'] her..." So it should look like this: "In the heat of the moment, her..." Now if I'm wrong, totally disregard this.
--Another thing, I found that Mrs McC didn't have the abbreviation punctuation. But if this rule is different in Scotland, TOTALLY ignore me. I just thought it was strange that it was written the way it was, but that's because American rules are different from others.
--And lastly, I wanted to point out that own of your paragraphs wasn't spaced as another paragraph, not sure if you were aware. Here's the the beginning of it: "Suddenly, Angus felt heavy and slumped..." Hoped that helped. You have to read the middle part of Chapter One to catch what I'm talking about.

Okay, that's it. Again, I really enjoyed your story. Like in your first message, the story definitely made me smile. Great job with this, and I wish you the best of luck with the Editor's Desk. Thanks for trading !! :D

*~Lyric~*

Hi D,

I've noticed your book 'The Ghost' has been very popular on this site, so decided to take a look.

What a great imagination you have. I was laughing from the start. I like the way the story revolves around poor Angus, who has to put up with the moaning Mrs Mc C as well as her unpleasant daughters.

I especially liked the way you described Mrs Mc C, 'sat like a bloated acorn.' Angus doesn't get much sympathy from his weak father.

Well done,

Carol Jefferies
(A Prince Unboyed)

Hello D.J.Milne! I have read some of The Ghost Shirt and thought I would share some of my thoughts after reading the synopsis and the first chapter:

First of all, it becomes quickly evident that you are a masterful writer. I'm afraid I have no criticism simply because what I've read doesn't warrant it. I found myself saying throughout "This is a book I would buy". You write with a real flare and have some excellent turns of phrase such as "an event as likely as finding marshmallows on the moon". I like this line because it means to say something but it means to say it humorously. There is a lightness in how the characters communicate that I greatly enjoy. The part about not being able to hear the TV over the magazine struck me that way as well. Overall, what I've read is really an incredible specimen in really good writing...

I have rated your book generously because it more than deserves it. I have also put it on my watch list. If you wouldn't mind giving mine a look, I'd much appreciate it! I trust if you find it good enough perhaps you'll rate it, shelf it, and or put it on your watch list as well. Thanks so much!

Best of wishes,

Jay O'Maille - The Geldings of Eidolon

YARG review

Well, no grammatical/wording nitpicks to note. I think you weeded all those out before making the desk. (Congrats by the way.) Beautiful story here and very difficult to put down. I wish I could write more but I'm just looking forward to reading a bit more. I really love your style.

God bless

Hello D, J Milne
book - The Ghost Ship-
After enjoying the first six chapters and scan reading some more , have to say that this
wonderful book of yours is a winner. So full of humour and fantasy it would make a great gift for
young children and older indeed-
The writing style flows along and I found it to be a page turner-
I have no hesitation in giving it my six stars-
tom bye
' from hugs to kisses'

Love the opening scene.'Mouth Ulcer Monthly' says so much about the humour in store that I smiled in expectation as I read on. Great succinct visual description with a dialogue to match. Highly readable and enjoyable - my kind of book and obviously many here feel the same.
I have only read the first chapter and will have to come back to it but you have great imagination. I wish you well with this.
Teresa
Love, Suzi x

YALF review

Sorry this is a little bit late. I've been looking forward to doing this review. Unfortunately, life threw me a few curve balls, so I was only able to get through three chapters of it.

The first thing I noticed when I pulled up your book is that you've cut about 25,000 words from its pages, and I think it is much better for it. I don't feel as if you're going off on tangents anymore, yet you're still managing to give us the important information while keeping the humor.

Your characters are all well developed individuals. Each has their own personality, with the exception, of course, of the twin sisters, who remind me of an evil version of the twins they'd use in the Doublemint Gum commercials they used to have here in the states. I loved their description as they entered the room in chapter one.

I really have very little to critique. I really like what I've read so far. (My 13-year-old daughter has read much more than I have, and is loving it.) Comedy is very hard to write, and you do it well. Writers that can actually make me laugh are few and far between, and you've made me laugh several times within these three chapters.

I did jot down a few quick notes as I was reading for you to consider. Take or leave them.

Chapter 1:
- I don't remember reading a description of Angus in this chapter. I'm a very visual reader and like to get an idea of what the MC looks like right away. I know there is a comparison of Angus and Little Wing in chapter two, but even that doesn't have hair and eye color, or actual height and build.

Chapter 3:
- "... with a lace, to tie the collar tight..." - I don't think you need the comma after "lace."
- "As he now knew, one of their ancestors." - This felt a little awkward. It's two phrases stuck together, without quite making a complete sentence.
- "... let alone the answer it." - Omit "the."
- "If, I'd known this would be so difficult..." - You don't need the comma after "if."

Overall, this is a great read. Highly starred and I'm keeping it on my bookshelf!

Lynn
Surviving Sunset

The Ghost Shirt

YALF Review

Chapter One
Firstly, I think your voice is great. You have a lovely turn of phrase and there are some hilariously funny lines. The opening chapter is not quite what I expected from the title and the pitch, it is funnier than I expected. I think boys (and girls) will relate to your MC Angus and his dry, matter of fact way of describing the madness that surrounds him. He is a sympathetic character too, although we get a sense of his pain, he is never whiny or self pitying.
The characters are great. Mrs McC is deliciously horrid and P McC provides a nice counterbalance to that. The sisters are not as well rounded, but I don’t think they need to be, they are the ugly sisters from Cinderella and we all know their type!
The conversation Angus has with his father hints at a more serious situation and gives us intriguing clues to the past, and the possible future of the story. The last paragraph provides a great hook and left me wanting to read on.
I was surprised at Angus’ low level of reaction to the furry ball and wondered if he might have had more inner thoughts, and perhaps alarm at what he was seeing.

Chapter Two

There is lots of action in this chapter. It’s pacy, funny and poignant. Little Wing seems like she will make a great addition to the family. The social worker is absolutely hilarious.
The only tiny crits I could make in this chapter are a couple of unnecessary repetitions of ‘his’
In ‘he pulled his newly acquired magazine from his school bag’ – you could probably change the first his to ‘the’
Also in ‘his growing sense of panic was making his ears throb’ you could change the first his to ‘a’
But that’s being exceptionally picky!

Chapter Three
There is a real change of pace in this chapter. It’s quite spooky and as a reader I really got a sense of Angus’ confusion and fear. I like that Little Wing she seems to add to Angus’ problems rather than solving any of them. The ghost shirt is introduced well. It really worked to see it ‘in action’ and then have the explanation from Little Wing. Again you have provided lots of information without overloading the reader with stuff to take in.
Chapter Four
The environmental theme of the story becomes clear here and I like it as a basis for the tale. It makes a nice cohesive element and is very topical. It’s a great idea to deal with such an important issue in a fictional way and I don’t think it comes across as preachy.
I noticed centauries should that be centuries? Also wasn’t sure why it was Lovers Loan.
This chapter has another great ending.
Chapter Five
I’m pretty sure Angus wouldn’t have been tempted to tell his school mates about the Imaginary Friend without the warning!
The descriptions of the graveyard and the well are deliciously spooky.
Tug is a great complex character, a child born into a family of thugs who wants to be a flower arranger – hilarious. I did find some of his dialogue a little sticky to read in places, for example I wasn’t sure if ‘kid or two ins here’ was a typo of dialect.
‘sacred hoop’ – I wasn’t sure if this was a typo for hope or actually a hoop – if it is hoop, then perhaps Angus would ask for an explanation
Chapter Six
This chapter sets out the problem faced by Angus and Little Wing. It has taken a long time to get to this point, and although you have used the time well to explain the backstory and introduce the characters, I wondered if you would hold the reader’s attention better if you got to the crux of the matter a bit sooner. The word count is quite high for a children’s story so perhaps a little judicious pruning would also help you to market the book.
The ideas, though, are wonderfully original and fresh and your voice and characterisation carried me through and made this a very enjoyable read.

I've read some of the top five books here,this is my favorite.

From the couple of chapters I have read, looks a very good read. Funny well written. Well done.
as Eva H wrote - very Roald Dahl like characters - will come back to it later.

Gwyndrid Morgan

YALF review

There's very little I can add to the glowing reviews here - The Ghost Shirt is well crafted, amusing, and extremely professional. The first chapter is basically spot-on, with just the right amount of development to enlighten me, but not so much that it was overwhelming. Loved the flawless characterisation and simple yet effective description. Fits its target audience brilliantly and I wish you well on the ED!

Isabel
The Boy From The Next Dimension

Ghost Shirt

YALF review
Happily tucked into the first three chapters, and will read more at a later date... hopefully when published. Good work on the characters, very well drawn, with a strong MC. I can relate to certain comments which point out the female characters come off as bad guys on the whole, but saying that 'Little Wing', looks to rectify this (btw I love that Jimi track- axis bold as love has to be one of the best albums of all time).
If I had any critique to make, and its going to be hard, I would say that you would need to cut the chapters a bit. Although saying that its hard to make any recommendations, as the hooks at the end of each of chapter are really sweet, so splitting them is out of the question. But a few cuts here and there might spice up the pacing a little.
A solid adventure story, backed up with great characters, and an environmental twist, if you get the pitch right, and aim this at the right agent you could have a winner on your hands here. I wish you all the very best.

sam

Great writing, gripping plot and wonderful characters. You more than deserve your high rank!

I wish you all the best with your book.

Sally Morgan
The Psychic Detective Agency

OFM!.

I read what I could, but had to stop before I threw up. Basically, your work is a rehash of every Native American stereotype perpetuated since the invasion of the Taino People in 1492, the subsequent invasion of North America and the genocide that followed.

Obviously, you know how to write. Just as obviously, you know how to read. Unfortunately, it appears your favorites are the cartoon depictions of First Nations People.

Your premise may be interesting, but utterly off the mark. The Ghost Shirt was believed to be "bullet proof." A "kevlar vest," if you will. They would protect the wearer during activism against white oppression. Obviously, they didnt work.

Your attempt to imbue a wearer with "spiritual powers" is offensive and perpetuates the bliss bunny, crystal twinkie love and light brigade interpretation of First Nations spirituality. It continues the mind set that Native People have "special powers." We dont.

Before you rail against me, understand this. We have been fighting against this stereotypical portrayal of our culture since our home was invaded. Hollywood and books of this nature dont help.

They make it worse.

I loved your book, a genre in which I/am enjoy writing myself.
I can relate to your characters as they remind me a lot of my family especially Coco and Chanel!
Your book is both humorous and well written. It flows naturally and the reader appreciates that.
All the best :)
Sheyla Clem-Lurline
(Top Left Corner - Chameleon)

Hi D.J.,
I read your first chapter. Awesome! The characters are believable, your writing comes natural and incredibly humorous, the reader gets drawn into the family situation of poor Angus at once! Good job. I hope I'll soon have time to return to this, for now you're watchlisted and starred.

All the best,
Nicola
"The Burden of the Badge"

The Ghost Shirt – YALF

I’m afraid I don’t have a great deal to say about this book. As one would expect from something at #4 on the ED chart, it is very polished. The 10,000 words I read were well-written, and the concept and story is fresh and engaging; all of which is great... but doesn’t leave me a lot to say.

I suppose my main quibble with what I read (and the problem with commenting on only part of a book is that this may be resolved later on, in which case do please mutter ‘The woman’s an idiot’ and move on) is that the book feels a little uneven. On the one hand there is the broad comedy/grotesquery* of Mrs McC, the caramels and the stepsisters; on the other there is the mystical and mysterious Little Wing. Yes, it’s good for books to have contrast, light and shade, comic relief and all those excellent things, but the bridging characters have to sit comfortably and credibly in both worlds. From my POV, Angus’ lack of information about his mother and his father’s reasons for not giving any are just about OK in the context of a comedy romp about a horrible stepmother – the sort of book that doesn’t give you time to draw breath and think “Hang on...”. My difficulty is that the pace slows when Little Wing arrives and –despite the supernatural aspect she brings to the story – the book becomes more realistic in tone, and P McC’s excuse and cravenness do not work in that context. It may be explained later on, but you need the reader to get that far.

I have mulled this over for a few days and I did have a flash of inspiration about what you could do but I didn’t write it down (Didn’t need to! It was so obvious!) so I have forgotten it. The problem, as it stands, is that Angus’ lack of information about his mother feels like something that works for you as part of the construction of the story, rather than something credible. Just MHO, of course. If we knew what Angus knows from Ch1, or if P McG was more consistent or persuasive about why Angus mustn’t know, it might help to bring the two sides of the story together.


I didn’t make a great many notes as I read through but, FWIW, here they are:
Ch1

I get very confused about compound/hyphenated nouns so may be wrong but I thought it was weathergirl, not weather-girl. Isn’t it weatherman?

I love love love ‘Hand-me-down child’. A real ‘I wish I’d thought of that’ phrase.

Not sure about the ‘n’ in Coco ‘n’ Chanel. I see what you’re doing but I’m not entirely convinced. Also, from the rest of what you say about them, I think they should have long, straightened hair that the flick back over their shoulders. That type don’t tend to have short hair.

I suggest you do a quick read-through (maybe out loud) for repeated words. And see if you can swap a few out, e.g.:
‘...short brown hair, neatly brushed.
Behind the twins, a ball of light brown woolly-looking hair...” The repetition feels a bit clunky.

‘Although a year younger...’ Who is a year younger? Angus or the twins?

‘Phone Charlie Payne, the plasterer...’ This is clunky, especially as we learn that Charlie Payne is the plasterer later on. You only need ‘Charlie Payne’ or ‘the plasterer’ at this point.

Ch2

‘Goat’s cheese’ seems like an oddly specific cheese for Little Wing to mention, especially as a commonly held British belief is that American cheese is bland and plastic and they only have three types. Maybe Native Americans are known for their herds of goats producing gourmet cheese, but it’s not something I knew about so it didn’t feel like something she would say.

Ch3

I would have preferred it if the ghost shirt was a slower reveal: if Angus realised there was a mystery and tried to discover it. He is a very passive character so far, so it would be good to have him actually do something rather than have things happen around him. So far all the male characters have been a bit wet and the female ones are pretty unpleasant, but presumably that changes as the book progresses and Angus and Little Wing are fleshed out.

Or perhaps Little Wing wants Angus to wake up and see her? In which case, I think you need to make that clearer. I would not expect someone to do a long, secret ritual in a room with another person (she could have gone to the bathroom, for example, and Angus could just have seen her carrying something, or followed her and heard chanting through the door). It’s another situation that seems to serve the progress of the plot rather than grow organically from the characters’ personalities and motivations.

You say at one point that the chanting ‘takes on an eerie air’. ‘Eerie air’ is a bit awkward anyway, but also, isn’t someone doing a strange ritual in the middle of the night preety eerie anyway? It felt like an odd thing to say at that point.

And that’s it! Congratulations on topping the Ed chart and I look forwards to reading your HC review. Good luck!



*This may not be a word, I admit, but it should be.

I just read chapter 1...very entertaining! There are a few grammatical errors my English teacher eyes caught, but other than that, this book (so far) is an enjoyable read:) I look forward to reading more when time permits.
Jessica
A Place to Call Home

D.J.
The story is so engaging, I had to stop myself from reading more, since it is time to start dinner. At times, well most times, I wanted to crawl inside the story and smack Mrs. Mc. What a miserable person. There couldn't be any other bad habits this woman could have that you haven't thought up. I suppose later in the story you will reveal why Mr. McC puts up with her treating his son like this.
The characters are so real and the story's pace is great. So I am putting the book on my shelf and going to contine reading it.
Good luck.

SL

D.J.
The story is so engaging, I had to stop myself from reading more, since it is time to start dinner. At times, well most times, I wanted to crawl inside the story and smack Mrs. Mc. What a miserable person. There couldn't be any other bad habits this woman could have that you haven't thought up. I suppose later in the story you will reveal why Mr. McC puts up with her treating his son like this.
The characters are so real and the story's pace is great. So I am putting the book on my shelf and going to contine reading it.
Good luck.

SL

CHIRG

DJ, I had a spare moment, so thought I'd pop along to have a look at The Ghost Shirt. I've only read the first chapter so far. Brace yourself . . .

Well, what a treat! You, D.J. Milne, are a VERY FUNNY MAN!!! Well, your book is, at least. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is hilarious and could give Roald Dahl a run for his money . . . if he was alive.

It reminds me a bit of a Cinderfella pantomime. The stepmother and step-sisters are almost caricatures whilst Angus and his father are the real people with whom we identify.

The writing is tight with well-chosen vocabulary and imagery. It has been edited to perfection and my prediction is . . . (dons headscarf and gazes into crystal ball) . . . that this will soon be adorning the bookshelves of all major bookstores. Oh, and you will become a millionaire.

I look forward to reading the next installment.

Helen
Glass Dreams

P.S. Any relation to A.A.? ( I bet you're sick of that question.)

YALF continued
Chapters Four and Five
Some excellent characterisation here. I particularly liked the bully Tug and I hope he plays a large part later on. All your characters are very individual - you are obviously a master at creating oddball, interesting personalities for your story. There's a lot of different threads going on in these chapters - Little Wing's seeming disappearance, the strange taste illness, the encounter between the teacher and Tug, the other encounter with Angus and Tug, the tramp and Sigh's appearance and conversation about the planet. What a lot to take on board. I'm interested to see how it's all going to link together.
I did wonder whey Sigh says 'we must hurry' at the end of Chapter Four, just for them to go to school. Why the hurry?
Jx

YARG review

I've enjoyed reading the first four chapters of The Ghost Shirt. In these chapters you have done a nice job laying the groundwork for your story with a humor and ease that I'm sure young readers will enjoy. Also, you give readers a sense of Angus' miserable life with his carmel spitting, unloving step-mother, obnoxious step-sisters, and spineless father. Another aspect young readers will enjoy are the character descriptions; unlike books geared toward older teens, I think younger readers like knowing what the characters look like so taking the time to give vivid descriptions is good. Finally, I wish you all the best this month as you wait to see if you'll make it to the desk.
Well written, high stars, and best wishes, GW 2012 ~Escaping Shady Lane~

DJ - You've got a winner here for sure! Great characters, huge story, clean style and a laugh a minute. Thanks for all the fun I had reading.......

Gary

DJ - You've got a winner here for sure! Great characters, huge story, clean style and a laugh a minute. Thanks for all the fun I had reading.......

Gary

YARG/YALF review

Hi D.J.

I reviewed Ghost Shirt a while back and loved it, and it’s on my bookshelf. I’ve read a couple more chapters for YALF and I still love it. Usually I like to give quite detailed comments, suggesting even small changes to sentence structure as well as big issues, but honestly nothing at all occurred to me as I was reading this. The writing is really good and I wouldn’t change a thing. The story is also really interesting and I think quite unique. The combination of Native American history and environmental issues with a Scottish setting is really unusual. The fantasy elements are well balanced with characters who are very real, and the humour is great.

Good luck with the editors!

Em

YALF continued
Chapter Two
I enjoyed this chapter as here we meet Little Wing for the first time and we get a hint of something about to happen. Some great imagery - I think you might have cut back on it a bit, which is all to the good as what you have left stands out more. You have a great imagination and some lovely ideas. Mrs McC is a brilliant character - grotesque but comical with some excellent lines.
One nitpick:
'His mind began to spin like a tormented cyclone and his heart began to . . .' repetition of began.
Chapter Three
Little Wing does her thing with the ghost shirt. This chapter seems a bit slow to me - I want to find out what the problem is and I think I need to find out earlier than now that there is a threat and Angus is a key part of the solution.
As always please ignore any comments you don't agree with - mine is one perspective.
Will return.
Jx

YALF/YARG review-The Ghost Shirt

DJ,

There is a good reason this book is on my shelf. Angus is such a likable character, someone who the reader can connect to instantly. The stepfamily is satisfyingly nasty. Mrs McC might just be one of my favorite characters, despite her caramel-spitting tendencies. The entire scene in the sitting room pulls the reader into Angus' life, and in just one chapter I feel as if I've known this family for years. My one suggestion for this first chapter is that I might have liked a hint that no one saw the glowing ball of fur when it first appeared in the hallway.

Okay, this is really nitpicky, but everyone jumps to the conclusion that Angus and Little Wing are twins because they look so much alike, but fraternal twins don't necessarily look any more alike than normal siblings-they only shared a womb, not matching sets of DNA (obviously, since they aren't the same gender, but like I said, really nitpicky, but only because I'm finding it hard to come up with suggestions).

You have made some changes in the order of things since I first read this, and I like the rearrangement.

Tug is another great character, as is the aptly named Savage. Their animosity toward each other is palpable, and then Tug shows Angus his softer side. He must trust Angus immensely to tell him of his dream to become a florist.

As I was reading it, I wondered if the description of the whole of Lover's Loan was necessary (though I'm sure it is, there seems nothing here that isn't necessary). Maybe it was just reading through the entire description of the lane before Angus ventures down it? Could just be me, but thought I'd mention that that portion had me rereading a bit.

Another great Mrs. McC moment, with the oxygen tent. I was hoping that she'd still have a way to spit caramels :)

The powwow was nicely done, and I love the description of the pipe. You have me wondering what the memory chip for the video game has to do with everything, and whether Eldrich is someone to watch out for.

I have only read through chapter seven at this point, but will be back to finish. Six stars, and staying on my shelf until you have your medal.
Kate

D.J.--

Finally got to your book, well chapter one. Not my usual reading preference, yet I am highly intrigued how you develop the story within upcoming chapters. I like your ability to lay out the scenery and your adeptness at grabbing my interest. I can see everything in my mind with clarity and that is a compliment to your prose prowless. I took a look at your other comments and admittedly, I have nothing to add you more than likely haven't already heard. I will give you a comment when finished as to my enjoyment or lack thereof. Currently, I have no reason to believe I will be disappointed in any way.

Chad Rose
Convoluted Christianity

YALF/CHIRG/YARG
So I return to The Ghost Shirt after a very long absence and I'm sorry to say I cannot remember much about the original chapter one, so I cannot compare. I do remember, however, being mightily impressed by your writing skill, so I'm looking forward to the read. I shall do my best to provide comments as I go along, as a reader, rather than feedback of an editorial nature, unless something jumps out at me. I'm sure others have given you plenty of pointers! I haven't had the chance to read through all the comments, so apologies for that.
Chapter One
First impressions - a lively start, good introduction to the characters and some strange goings on with a ball of fluff. I like what I've read and there are some great lines and ideas here: 'gloomy as a penguin in a pigpen' and 'Mouth Ulcer Monthly' are brilliant. However, (I feel really bad saying this) looking at this first chapter on its own, it felt a little bland to me. I think I need a bit more feeling from Angus (as I assume he is the mc) - I'm not sure if that's very helpful but it is a gut reaction to what I've read.
Will return soon.
Jx

Yalf/Yarg/Chirg

Here be spoilers - don't read this review unless you've read the whole book!

I've just finished reading the whole of the Ghost Shirt, having had the book on my shelf for many months, right since the first week David uploaded it. I think it's full of great ideas and amazing characters, especially Tug and J.M's Beard (for those who haven't read that far, this isn't a reference to a fake girlfriend a man takes to pretend he's not gay but an actual beard that talks).

However I'm not going to talk about anything good, I'm going to rip into all the stuff I didn't like - you know, constructively. :-) I've sent David a full file of 400ish small corrections but these are my bigger concerns.

I definitely think that the original opening to the book worked better. It gave us a lot more empathy towards Angus and actually established him with a genuine personality which, I'm afraid to say, I felt was rather lacking for much of the book.

I also thought that by highlighting Little Wing's departure from her tribe you raise some unnecessary questions that the book doesn't really answer, the most prescient being why send a child all on her own without much defense against the evil she is going to encounter. I think one way of solving this would be to have her run away from the tribe as opposed to being sent. I also thought that the character of her rival in her tribe which you introduced served little purpose.

Though Koda is very cool, she ultimately doesn't do too much to help them, though she is the most useful magical thing they have. I don't think it is explained how L.W. has her, after all she has no other magical creatures and has not been to the wakan realms before and wakan creatures don't seem to be able to cross over so what's she doing in our world??

Tug is perhaps the strongest character in the book and definitely helps things move along well. More Tug?

As other people have said, after an interesting opening, you end up having them all sit around a lot talking. This incredible half native American girl appears and we expect her to do things but instead she goes to school and social services etc. There's no need for this, cut straight to the action. You could still keep the scene with the bullies in the playground - which is strong - by having her come to the school to get Angus maybe, but it takes too long from that point to get to the next interesting scene in the museum which should follow straight on. You do not need the long sections of explanation about Native American culture and I'm sorry to say it but the environmental messages are rather heavy-handed and slow the book down.

So in a sense, rather than having Angus suspect something funny is going on and getting glimpses of his sister's rituals etc. you should have her come right out and tell him, as, after all, she knows she has to tell him at some point any way.

I also had a big problem with the relationship between the twins. There friendship doesn't develop as the book goes along and Angus is very passive and apparently not particularly curious about his background. It's like you're trying to delay revelations but they never actually come. I think you need to be more upfront from the beginning and also invest more emotion into their relationship.

Doris - we're told she has reasons for the way she is but we never find them out, even if this is the first of a series of books I think certain things should be concluded and I felt the same way about Eldrich at the end.

The ending itself left me rather frustrated. They conclude their adventure but there's no closure to the relationships or much sense of achievement or reflection or sense of threat for what will follow or anything to really grip a child's imagination or want them to read a second book. Also introducing the uncle at the end is a very odd time to do it and as he doesn't add to the story at that point, I would hold off doing it. Why not have the children realise a new threat they'll have to face as a cliffhanger for the following book (this is a series, right?? Or am I confused?)

Overall, I felt that it's a book full of great ideas that are, sometimes, rather poorly executed. You write quite beautifully a lot of the time but your plotting and manipulation of the reader's imagination needs to be improved. The most obvious way to do this would be to reduce the word count by about 20-30,000 words and greatly tighten the plotting. There are just too many bits in between the action where people talk about the mythology or what they're going to do without any new revelations or character development.

Sorry if this all sounds rather harsh, I do think it's got great potential this book, your writing style is very strong and there are lots of bits which work fantastically well. Best of luck with it and I'm happy to help out with any restructuring if I can.

D.J.

I got time to read this, and I like it. There is something in this story that does ring out greatness. The characters are easily loved, the plot is also well written, and the overall sense of adventure is awesome. Personally, after a few edits would publish this. Awesome job.

Millicent Ashby

What a fine, interesting and sort of sad and funny, story. I will continue to read and comment more. I know this will be published.
Christine

The Ghost Shirt

This is more of a YALF review

I’m very happy to return for some more of this ghostie stuff.

Chapter Five

“the way a mean look of a scorpion tells you not to tickle it under the chin.” is so nice that I don’t think you need as much of the rest of the description of Stevens as you have.
“thugettes” is irritating. I mean, not really irritating, just “thugs” is fine and girls don’t need a special word.
“Most people were afraid of them” seems unnecessary. The sentence before is great.
“growled Savage menacingly” could lose the adverb.
“biological bullying” is funny.
“one to test the fainting point of a first year.” I like this and “ghoulish glossary.”
“The standard fair of bruised toes…etc” I also like a lot.
“Basically a stone slab…” Not sure you need basically. Why is this description any more basic than another?
“Lovers’ Loan” I don’t understand.
I do like the connection between cooking and thuggery. It makes perfect sense.
“this must be a complement” should be “compliment”.

Lucy

YALF/YARG
The ghost shirt

Chapter 7
Starts with funny again – tears tasting of avocado soup and yam and zucchini pie.
Then there’s the weird oxygen tent that Mrs. McC is in – very Dahlesque again I thought.

No apostrophe needed in ‘jaw’s’ paragraph after her second letter.

After I’d read this chapter, I wondered if there isn’t too clear a break between the wit of the story and the serious bits. There is no wit in the conversations between Angus, Sigh and Little Wing so that it almost begins to feel like two separate novels in one, and I wondered if that isn’t becoming too much of a separation? On the one hand there’s this very funny, quirky tale with all its absurdities and funny imagery, and on the other this very serious tale when they begin to talk as they do here. Has anyone else mentioned this?

I wondered a little again if this bit when they go to ‘powwow’ might not be a bit long, but I think that actually, your readers may really like the idea of smoking the pipe. It’s all evocatively described and there’s a great atmosphere. There’s also the allure of the ‘door’ to another place.

I also like the way he feels one minute like a brave and the next just like an ordinary boy.

I liked the bit when dad came in with the irn Bru and Chinese food and was talking away unaware of the stir he was causing, and getting the wrong answers in. Good bit of mystery at the end of this chapter – what is the matter with Sigh? Why’s he gone so pale and worried, and what’s the rush with getting the shirt? Good stuff to make the reader go on to the next chapter.

D.J. I found the review that I wrote on your book when I was a newbie and I'm copying it here as I still think it accurately reflects my response to your book. Now, *seasoned* reviewer that I am, I might point to the need for some punctuation and sentence structure editing such as:

You write: "Added to his gloom was an uneasy feeling that he was being watched; and not just by the ...."
The semicolon needs to be left out and, actually, no punctuation is needed in that spot although a comma would not be in error.

You write: "It was only at home that Angus kept himself to himself."
I think that might be better written: "It was only at home that Angus kept to himself."

You write: "By nature, he was happy-go-lucky and, when allowed out, he enjoyed hanging out with friends at the local park, well away from 42 Fenwick Drive, the family's rambling Victorian villa."
I think I'd break that up into a couple of sentences and omit a few commas:
"By nature he was happy-go-lucky. When he was allowed out, he enjoyed hanging with friends at the local park which was well away from 42 Fenwick Drive and the family's rambling Victorian villa."

Otherwise, you are exceptionally good at creating imagery and writing witty, humorous dialogue. So, again, I agree with my earlier comments that:

"Although not my usual genre, I'm impressed with this very intricate fable/story! Lots of delightful characters both real and ghostly and, at times, absolutely hilarious! Well done.

You catch the reader's attention immediately with the old woman, Eyes of fire, talking to the Chiefs of the Apache, Blackfoot, Cherokee, Mohawk, and Navajo Nations and telling them that they must become "Warriors of the Rainbow" in order to save the earth. Although this reader wasn't quite sure who she was, Little Wing was then seen talking to the young Shaman, Shining Crow who instructs Little Wing to take back the Ghost Shirt and to use it wisely.

In chapter 1, we are taken to the home of Angus McCormack, who is living with his fat, gluttonous step-mother and her equally dislikeable children: twins, Coco and Chanel and eldest daughter Gucci who has a friend, Anna, who has a crush on Angus. We also meet poor Pim Pam, the cat, covered in caramels spit at him by Doris, the step-mother.

In chapter two, Angus is sent upstairs to stay with his much-belligered father, Peter, and an invisible "person" who leaves footprints. I'm not real sure I understood the reason for chapter 3 - it seemed a bit odd that Anna was taking photos of Angus while he was asleep - but it was funny! Chapter 4 also seemed to be a detour - is there a reason that the class bully, Steven, is included? Will he reappear later in the book also? I liked the short sketches of Anna and Steven - Steven's was heartwarming and Anna's was funny but I'd kinda like to see you hint a bit more at how they'll appear later in the story.

Chapter five seems to bring us back to the main plot with Angus being introduced to his twin sister, Little Wing, and her pet, Koda. Again, I wonder if there's a reason that Peter has never told Angus about Little Wing? I really like Little Wing and the personality you've given her - great job. She's a strong, funny character and great sister to Angus. The invisible boy who is with Little Wing - is that the one that Angus saw in his father's office?

Ah, now the story is beginning to come into focus and the plot is clearing up as Little Wing tells Angus about their mom, Charlotte Running Elk, and Sigh, the childhood imaginary friend, as well as showing him the Ghost Shirt which will protect him from peoply who try to control his thoughts. Ah, now I'm really following the story and not just laughing or enthralled by the individual vignettes. This is a good story with a real moral to it! I'm pleasantly surprised by how well it's developing and look forward to finding out where it leads.

Very good work. This is a delightful fantasy with surprisingly deep lessons, for children and young adults and I would love to see it illustrated. I know school-age children would thrill to see pictures of Angus, Little Wing, Pim Pam, etc., and I think young adults would enjoy them also. I wish you the very best for publication. I'd like to have a copy of this for my grandchildren. By the way, I wouldn't limit this to teen chic lit because young boys will enjoy this book every bit as much as girls!"